I''ll be engaged within a week...

[Ms.Goggles]

so why do I feel sad? Earlier this week I posted about my e-ring being held hostage by my soon to be fiance. He was out of town & made me promise not to look for that special little box- I kept my promise but I have been bursting at the seams.

Now one thing I am totally guilty for is constantly bugging him. Now that I know he has the ring in his possesion, I am always asking him questions about it, asking him when it''s going to happen. That''s definitely a part of my personality- I like the anticipation leading up to surprises & sometimes my questioning & wondering is part of the fun. But at the same time, I hate surprises because I can''t stand not knowing a secret. My boyfriend knows this alllll too well. He loves teasing & keeping the secret from me.

So tonight as we were sitting on the couch, I was bugging him again. Mind you, this is all very playful, fun, flirty nagging & I know he enjoys it & likes to see me squirm with anticipation. So he told me he would make me one promise...that I will be engaged before my school (I''m a teacher) begins winter break. He got really excited & said, "So by this time next week, you''ll have that sparkly thing on your finger. You''ll have to wear a glove so it doesn''t blind me while we''re watching tv! You''ll be able to show all of your colleagues before you leave for break!"

Now, on the one hand I''m super excited, relieved (the ring buying process has been a long one) & I can''t wait to actually be engaged to him. He is wonderful & sweet & I know he only told me this to relieve some of the anxiety I''m having & reassure me that he''s not going to keep me hanging for much longer.

On the other hand, I feel a little sad. I can''t explain it exactly, but I guess it has to do with the fact that I''ve taken all the fun & surprise out of it for him & for me & I feel really guilty & upset with myself over it. I got overinvolved with the entire ring buying process, I''ve asked every day about when the proposal is coming. Now that I know it will be in the next week, I somehow feel like I''m missing out on a big piece of the excitement that comes from the "unknown."

I realize my thoughts are somewhat irrational for many reasons: a) we''re both adults & we''ve both known this was coming for a long time, b) I ask him so he must ASSUME that I really want to know & he only did what he thought I wanted, c) the meaning is in the actual ASKING of the question rather than a fairy tale surprise story. But yet, I feel sad. He flat out told me he has no "intricate" plan for a proposal, and while I don''t expect a grand gesture in him asking me to marry him, I suppose that I feel a lot of the magical dust has cleared. Not being intricate does not necessarily mean it won''t be special or thought out, but I know myself well enough to know that I''m still hoping for something more than "just the question."

I suspect I''m not the only one who has gone through this disillusionment, reality check, etc. & would love to hear anyone''s thoughts on the matter. I know that I''ve dug my own hole by asking to know things that were probably better left unsaid. In trying to relieve some of my anxiety, I''ve taken away something that could have been really fun & I can''t give that back to either of us. Why did I do this?

 

[misskitty]

I''m sorry you''re feeling bummed out about this. I think self-sabotage is sometimes a part of human nature, and coupled with the anxiety of being a LIW, I can totally understand why you would bug him for details. I''d probably do the same if I knew that SO had a ring in his possession.

Glass-is-half-full perspective: even though you know he has the ring and that he''s proposing within the week, you can still enjoy it when it happens. Plus, there''s still a bit of mystery left -- you don''t know which day it will be, what time, or where -- so he can still catch you a little bit off-guard. Sure, it might not be a complete surprise, but if you allow yourself to forget about the spoiled surprise and just get caught up in the moment, I''m sure it will be amazing and meaningful.

Hope you feel better

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Well, it''s not too late to still make it a surprise. Tell him that you changed your mind and you DO want to be surprised. Tell him NOT to do it next week and to really try and catch you off guard.

I can understand that you''re upset about it- I wouldn''t want to be given a T- 7 day countdown either.

Or you can try and get excited for EVERY encounter you have with him for the next week... you''ll probably see him a good bit, so you still don''t know for sure WHEN it''ll happen. Maybe he''ll do it when you wake up, or right before you go to bed, or while you''re eating dinner or getting dressed. Be excited and anticipate every minute!

It still is exciting, though! You''ve been waiting to hear "will you marry me" for a long time, and you can get excited that it''s not still a year away!

At this point, either ask him to change his plans (and explain how you''re feeling) or change your perspective and try and get excited again! Eaiser said than done, I''m sure, but those are your 2 options at this point, as I see it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Ms. Goggles, this man wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. He loves you, just as you are, whether you ask him lots of questions about surprises or not.

From what you have written, it doesn''t sound to me like you have ruined anything. It may not be flower petals falling from the sky and birds singing from the trees, but I suspect it will be lovely. Even women who have thought they knew exactly what was going to happen have said they have been unprepared for the emotion and the joy they experienced during their proposals. Give the guy a chance!

 

[vita*dolce]

Yay! congratulations, Ms. Goggles! you''re probably going to be wandering around with a big goofy grin on your face for the rest of the week!!

 

[lucyandroger]

Ms. Goggles, I completely understand what you''re saying. Last night I just told my BF that I want to be part of picking out the ring and I''m afraid I''m going to take all the magic and surprise out of the process because I have a similar personality. It''s just that you''re so excited about something and you can''t help talking about it, especially with the person you''re closest with.

That being said, I completely agree with Amanda.Rx.

Plus, I think that nowadays very few women are completely surprised about the proposal. You already knew you were going to spend the rest of your life with him and now you get to show off a gorgeous ring and let the world know! That''s something to get really excited about!

 

[violet3]

I can completely understand how you are feeling -- I was also very very involved in the ring buying process. I have tried not to talk about it to him, and haven't really brought it up much, but it's really really hard because it's been more than two months in the making. the few times we have discussed it, i have felt a twinge of guilt so i completely understand.

Now, i don't know if my SO has the ring or doesn't have the ring, but it's really hard sometimes -- i even go back to the store to visit a similar ring from time to time b/c i almost forget what it looks like! sounds like i am nuts, i know. But i do understand that sometimes it's just hard to know what the ring looks like, that it's purchased etc., and not have it.

Having said all that, i don't actually think you've ruined anything at all. From your post, it doesn't sound like HE'S any less excited at all -- in fact it seems quite the contrary -- he sounds really excited to give it to you! So I don't think you've taken ANYTHING away from him in this process, and i am sure he would agree. Secondly, the only person who has the power to take the excitement out of this for you is YOU, which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing (subconciously). If you can, try to stop feeling guilty and think of the much more important notion that you are about to be engaged to a man you really love.

When i imagine being engaged, what excites me the most is not HOW i am going to get the ring or even getting the ring itself. What i think is exciting is being able to share the news with friends and family, and celebrate the engagement together, especially at such a warm, loving time as the holiday season. You'll have the whole holiday season to share and enjoy and celebrate this news with all the special people in your life for weeks - i think that's pretty special!

p.s. if you love him, and you want to marry him, ANY way he does it will be memorable and special, regardless of how many times you asked about it

yay for you!!!!

 

[purelily]

Ms. Goggles -- your SO sounds like such a sweetie! and he was so excited about the proposal! Its still a surprise... you don''t know when it is next week. Curiosity gets us all. It''ll all work out in the end.... and I''m sure whatever he does it''ll be special.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Goggles-

I can COMPLETELY sympathize. I was 99% certain my proposal would happen a certain way/time (& it did), and essentially I "set up" the proposal for my FI. He wasn''t AS clued in that I knew about it, and all he ever wanted was for it to be a surprise...

I felt horribly sad/guilty/angry with myself/bad for him over the whole ordeal. I couldn''t help but think, "If I simply hadn''t meddled around at all with all of this, I would have been so blown away, and I wouldn''t have stolen his thunder."

A few months after the fact, though, the truth is... I don''t even think about it. Even though I knew when he was about to ask, my heart was still racing 500 beats per minute, and I still was shaky, and I still had tears in my eyes. I wasn''t SHOCKED, but I WAS happy. SO happy. And you will be, too! And now there''s tons of excitement and wonderment and nerves associated with wedding planning, and house planning, and puppy-adoption planning!!

The element of surprise may not be so great, but happiness and blissfulness and relief and total joy will take over. You''ve only involved yourself in the process & asked him so much about it because you REALLY want to be engaged to be married!! And soon you will be

Even if you can''t wipe them away right now, feelings of "blah" and guilt will dissipate soon after the proposal (though I think I had some post-proposal blues... like, ''well, now it''s over...'') and a month down the road, you won''t even care. And neither will he. You''ll be too wrapped up in starting the rest of your lives together!

 

[mjohnson]

I hear where you''re coming from about taking out all the surprise and romance and talking too much to your SO about it. I told my now-fiance the exact specs the diamond had to be and the price because I can''t stand unpleasant surprises. I ended up designing the ring with him.

To top it off, I once asked him how he''d propose, and he honestly didn''t know. After that, I told him we should take a trip to Hawaii and he''d better propose to me there somehow. I even somehow figured out the time/date/place of the proposal beforehand, and he told me to "act surprised."

But you know what? I still cried when he proposed and it still felt romantic. Surprises can be fun, but in the long-run the memory of the moment is what really counts.

 

[gryffindor]

You are all making me tear just from reading this thread!

I understand too what you're going through. I am the one who is completely executing the diamond buying and setting design process. Our situation is a little complicated since we are long distance so it was just easier for me to handle everything in my city. However, since I know the ins and outs of my ring better than him at this point and the ring is no longer a surprise, I have made it abundantly clear to him that he must plan the engagement and it must be an impressive surprise to me. I think it is up to you to correct what is bothering you. If you feel let down by the fact that he told you it will happen this week, then you should tell him why you feel sad and that you don't need the proposal to happen this week because you want that element of surprise back. I would warn him too that you will likely continue to bug him with harmless questions, but that is just your personality and deep down inside you don't want to know any details and he shouldn't cave and tell you any either. And if you want the "more than just a question" then tell him that too. He probably wants to do whatever it is that makes you happy, and I'm sure he will oblige since you're not asking much and this is a special time for both of you. From what I've learned in my relationship, my guy is not a mind reader at all. He has the right intentions of making me happy, but he has almost no clue how to act on it without a little push in the right direction.

You shouldn't feel saddened by what happened. Tell him how you feel and what you desire and get that feeling of bursting-at-the-seams-anticipatory-excitement back!

 

[princess_natalie]

I''ve gotta start with saying the support on here is awesome! And it is SO amazing that we have all felt such similar things. Group hug anyone?

Now, on to business - Ms.Goggles:

I (like many) know how you feel. Oftentimes, I pry for more information and then am devastated when I figure it out. The suggestion to tell him you don''t want it to be by the end of the school term is a good one, if you want to delay the proposal.

However, it was mentioned that you still don''t know when it''s coming and I second that more than anything else. Think of ALL the possibilities within the week. This is exciting in itself!

Try not to be too hard on yourself. We are all guilty of it, but honestly, you didn''t ruin anything! Nothing can ruin this special beautiful love that you have been blessed with.

Best of luck <3 I look forward to your decision and ultimately, the proposal story and ring pics!

 

[Blackpaw]

dont forget to tell us right away when it happens ms goggles - total surprise or not its a great occasion

im sure you''ll enjoy it

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I can totally relate...I know most of how its happening as well.....i jsut am impatient....i guess you just need to focus on getting through the week and putting it out of your mind for a while until you can really celebrate!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Heya, Ms. Goggles, just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better and excited that you''ll soon (if not already!) be engaged to the love of your life! Please come back and let us know how you are feeling, whether it''s happened or not yet.

 

[Ms.Goggles]

Hi everyone! I am SO sorry- you all wrote such beautiful, helpful things & I never responded. This was our last week of school (I teach high school) & my head has been spinning! We actually got a snow day today & I finally got a chance to come back & respond & tell you...

We are engaged!

You were all right about everything. I did end up telling my FI (yay!) that I felt bad about all the pressure I had put on him by nagging & I suggested that he go ahead with his original plans & not make it happen sooner than he really wanted to. He assured me that there would still be surprise & he was definitely responsive to everything I told him about how I was feeling. After our conversation, I figured he wouldn''t actually propose this week & that it would happen closer to Christmas.

This week was so busy that although I had the proposal in the back of my mind, I ended up being totally shocked when it actually happened! The element of surprise wasn''t at all ruined & I was still just as emotional as I had always hoped to be. After all the worry, the proposal was totally "me" and totally "us."

I am hoping to make a new thread with some pictures if I can figure out how to use my camera!

 

[trillionaire]

CONGRATS!!! Now start a THREAD WITH LOTSO PICS!!!


YAY!

 

[sammyj]

Congratulations!!!! Looking forward to your actual "I''m engaged!" thread!

 

[Ms.Goggles]

AH! I was just in the middle of writing one & it got totally wiped out from some "error." Ack.

 

[ams0124]

YAY!!! Eagerly awaiting your engagement thread!!!!

 

[violet3]

Date: 12/19/2008 1:22:03 PM
Author: Ms.Goggles
Hi everyone! I am SO sorry- you all wrote such beautiful, helpful things & I never responded. This was our last week of school (I teach high school) & my head has been spinning! We actually got a snow day today & I finally got a chance to come back & respond & tell you...

We are engaged!

You were all right about everything. I did end up telling my FI (yay!) that I felt bad about all the pressure I had put on him by nagging & I suggested that he go ahead with his original plans & not make it happen sooner than he really wanted to. He assured me that there would still be surprise & he was definitely responsive to everything I told him about how I was feeling. After our conversation, I figured he wouldn''t actually propose this week & that it would happen closer to Christmas.

This week was so busy that although I had the proposal in the back of my mind, I ended up being totally shocked when it actually happened! The element of surprise wasn''t at all ruined & I was still just as emotional as I had always hoped to be. After all the worry, the proposal was totally ''me'' and totally ''us.''

I am hoping to make a new thread with some pictures if I can figure out how to use my camera!

Oh congratulations!!!! so happy to hear you are feeling so much better about the engagement - can we puh-leeeeese hear the whole story about the proposal and see the pictures????

 

[SparklyLibra]

YAYYYYY! Congrats! Yes we can''t wait to see some pics!

~SL.

 

[ringless]

I already said congrats in your other post, but congrats again ... I can''t wait to see pics!