If you don''t live together...

[prettylnpink419]

...how often do you spend at his place and how often at your place? My SO and I have been "disagreeing" on this topic lately so I''d really like to hear about how you wonderful ladies split your time.

I''m also open to any advice for my specific situation. I currently have my own condo. SO rents a room in a townhouse that his cousin owns and lives in. His place is about 30 mins from me. SO has no pets. I have 2 cats and a dog. One of my cats has a thyroid disorder and needs medication twice a day. I work full-time and am also a full-time student. (I take classes 2-3 nights a week and a few weekends a semester). SO is currently unemployed and is a part-time student. SO says I do not spend enough time at his place. I will be the first to admit that I do not spend as much time at his place as he does at mine. To me, his place is more of a bachelor pad and mine is more our home. He has suggested we alternate our weekends, one weekend I''m at his place the entire weekend (which means a lot of back and forth for me b/c of my cats...I''d bring my dog with me but we can''t leave her alone at his place...she''d get really anxious and probably have messes) and the other weekend he''s at my place all weekend. I am a child of divorce and have done the every other weekend thing the majority of my life...at least the first 18 years. It is exhausting! I don''t feel very comfortable or welcome at his cousin''s place so it definitely is not relaxing. The weekends are really my only chance for down time and I''m pretty much on the go every other night of the weekend so the last thing I want to do is run back and forth all weekend or be at his place all weekend to come back to my place on Sunday night and be unrelaxed and exhausted. For the majority of our two years together we''ve spent the majority of our time together at my place so I guess I''ve gotten kind of spoiled. I''ve just gotten so used to having him here and wish he''d just move in. We''ve talked about it but he''s afraid of "mooching" off me while he is unemployed. We are going to revisit the moving in together discussion in January. For the first year and a half, our only alternative was his parents house before he moved in with his cousin. Help me! Help me come up with a compromise that will make us both happy or help me see that I''m just being a spoiled brat and I need to get over it and spend more time at his place.

 

[katomm]

BF and I had the luxury of living only 15 minutes apart and both have cats so it was easy. We probably spent more time at his place, 4 nights his and 2 or three mine. We usually did have one night we did not see each other so we could do our own thing. He had a nicer house than mine and he got off work later than me so it was easier to just meet him at his place and wait for him to get home.

I can see your point about wanting to be at your place more and it makes sense. I do not see how he expects the back and forth on the weekends though. My suggestion would be to make the effort to stay at his place a couple of times during the week and then weekends are for staying at your place. With a cat needing medication twice a day it''s not really possible to spend numerous nights at his place in a row.

On a side note, one of BF''s cat has to have thyroid meds twice a day as well and as soon as we found that out it has put a damper on our spontaneous weekends. I''m extremely lucky my mom has been willing to help us out a few times so we could just enjoy a night or two away.

 

[purselover]

I don''t blame you for wanting to spend the majority of your time at your place, you have pets to look after not to mention with all your work and school it must be nice to just be home when you can. I''d also rather be able to have alone time than be in an apartment with his cousin, you know? I would try to spend a little more time at his place, but I really think you are right in this situation and shouldn''t have to alternate.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Katomm--

Thanks for your reply! Seeing each other during the week is rare and almost impossible with my newest class schedule. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I go straight from work to class and am in class until 10:30pm. By that time I''m exhausted and don''t want to do anything. That also only leaves Monday and Wednesday nights for studying and homework as I''m trying to not procrastinate and leave it all until Sunday nights like I did last semester...I got really bad with that.

I guess another sore spot for me is the fact that he just randomly shows up whenever he wants without telling me, which is fine every once in a while but I mean 3-4 times a week I''ll come home from class or work and he''ll be asleep on my couch. Which if he was working wouldn''t really bother me but after a 40 hour work week and approx 10 hours in class and another 10 doing schoolwork...the last thing I want to see is him "taking a nap" on my couch instead of doing his school work or looking for a job. He is also eating me out of house and home. He stops at my place between his classes to grab lunch, nap, whatever. It is of course helpful on those days that I have class and can''t make it home to let my pup out, he takes care of her for me. He says he doesn''t want to move in because he doesn''t want to mooch off me since he''s unemployed but he still manages to pay his cousin rent every month. At least if he moved in he''d be able to help out with the extra expenses I have from him being there all the time and we''d be able to avoid this whole his place/my place argument.

I truly LOVE having him around, I just hate when he leaves but I also hate when he comes over and eats, then sleeps, then leaves. Like Friday...I got home from work, he was asleep on my couch. Slept for another hour or so, woke up, I made dinner, he showered, then I fell asleep waiting for him to fininsh a boring car show he was watching. I woke up hoping we could watch a movie (it was only about 10pm) but he was tired and wanted to go to bed. We go to lay down...10 minutes later he gets up and says he''ll be back...he doesn''t come to bed until 4:30am...after I was well asleep. His excuse - "I couldn''t sleep". He slept until about 4:30pm on Saturday, got up and got dressed and left.

I was so upset b/c I felt like we didn''t get to spend any real time together. He told me to come over his place then and I was being a bit of a brat at that moment and told him no, that I had some errands to run, etc.

I don''t know. I''m just having a hard time seeing a compromise that is going to make both of us happy.

 

[susied]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years, and during that time I still lived at home so I would go over to his apartment 90% of the time, maybe once during the week and one or both nights of the weekend.
I just recently bought my own home and won''t be going over there as much for several reasons: I am paying for this house - I want to spend time here, I have a dog, and I spent four years going to him, so I sort of feel like it''s his turn.
As for your case, it''s interesting that he says he doesn''t want to mooch off of you by moving in, but that''s exactly what he''s doing by using your couch and eating all your food. It sounds like he''s got it made right now - he can come over to your house and sleep, eat, shower, etc., and then move on his merry way when he feels like it with no responsibility. I hear you, this would upset me too. Would you be comfortable having a conversation with him about it and letting him know that you would actually prefer he help out (moving in or not)?

 

[LilyKat]

I totally agree with susied. He says he doesn''t want to mooch, but what he''s doing right now is the DEFINITION of mooching (coming over at his convenience and using your place as a free restaurant/crash pad). It wouldn''t be mooching to move in and pay rent and share expenses with you.

I think you need to tell him exactly what you have told us in your post, and make sure that he knows you are serious about it. In your position, I would definitely be getting resentful to say the least.

 

[swingirl]

It seems in your relationship you are the more responsible one. You deserve your down time as you have a very packed schedule and very busy weekends. It doesn''t make sense to spend your time where you don''t want to be. And pet ownership determines your level of freedom because they need daily attending to.

 

[Jessie702]

C and i dont live but he only lives 3 miles away. Due to how our scedhules are, i stay with him Thursday through sunday, and come home sunday night. I have 2 cats, but i still live at home, so my mom is pretty good about watching them. I love C and want to get married, but im not moving in until we are married, so im getting comfy at home.

I have lived with one boyfreind in the past, if thats what you would call it. It ended in a mess. I guess you could say i wasnt ready to move out. Little background, the ex and i had been dating for about a year, my last year in high school, he was about 4 years older than i. Well when my 18th bday rolled around he talked me into moving out, and moving in an apartment with him. Which i didnt want, but did anyways. Well about 3 months into living together, he decided he hated his job and quit it without having something else lined up. At 6 months in, he decieded he hated his life, and wanted to be a truck driver. Well the only school close was in AZ, we live in NV. We still had aother 6 months on the lease. Well he promised to send money and come visit. HA! He didnt spend one dime, not one! When he left, i found out he hadnt been paying any of the bills. For example, he had got a tv from a rent center, and hadnt paid it. Well he had them calling my phone, about it. He was 3 months behind...than i found out he hadnt paid the power bill and it got caught off my second week in. Than i couldnt afford to pay the rent on my own, so my mom helped me for about 3 months. While all of this is going on, im in college fulltime, 5 to 6 classes, and working part-time, and half of all this crap was in my name.Im still working on rebuliding my credit from him. I found out he put some credit cards and accounts in my name. I couldnt afford to buy food or gas, and was basically at home, so i went to the apartments office and told them what was going on, and moved out. Now you think my friends would have helped, but i couldnt find anyone. DO you think the ex, came up and helped pack, since half the crap was his? O no...he couldnt, he wouldnt. So the only person who helped was my mom and she cant lift anything. So i packed up all of my crap and half of his, and moved my stuff back home, expect for the couches and tables i bought with my money, which went into storage. I threw all of his crap in there, because he said he would pay for storage. Do you think he did.....NOPE...so i let that get behind and let them auction off his crap. I sold my couches and tv and tables and got a little money back. After i broke up with him, he use to call and ask for his crap, and i said, dont you remeber, it was in the storage that you let get behind and i didnt pay for it this time. Theres more drama to this, but i dont have the engery to tell it

So thats why i wait til marriage to move in. I learned my lesson

 

[NakedFinger]

Date: 7/27/2009 12:57:55 PM
Author: Jessie702
C and i dont live but he only lives 3 miles away. Due to how our scedhules are, i stay with him Thursday through sunday, and come home sunday night. I have 2 cats, but i still live at home, so my mom is pretty good about watching them. I love C and want to get married, but im not moving in until we are married, so im getting comfy at home.

I have lived with one boyfreind in the past, if thats what you would call it. It ended in a mess. I guess you could say i wasnt ready to move out. Little background, the ex and i had been dating for about a year, my last year in high school, he was about 4 years older than i. Well when my 18th bday rolled around he talked me into moving out, and moving in an apartment with him. Which i didnt want, but did anyways. Well about 3 months into living together, he decided he hated his job and quit it without having something else lined up. At 6 months in, he decieded he hated his life, and wanted to be a truck driver. Well the only school close was in AZ, we live in NV. We still had aother 6 months on the lease. Well he promised to send money and come visit. HA! He didnt spend one dime, not one! When he left, i found out he hadnt been paying any of the bills. For example, he had got a tv from a rent center, and hadnt paid it. Well he had them calling my phone, about it. He was 3 months behind...than i found out he hadnt paid the power bill and it got caught off my second week in. Than i couldnt afford to pay the rent on my own, so my mom helped me for about 3 months. While all of this is going on, im in college fulltime, 5 to 6 classes, and working part-time, and half of all this crap was in my name.Im still working on rebuliding my credit from him. I found out he put some credit cards and accounts in my name. I couldnt afford to buy food or gas, and was basically at home, so i went to the apartments office and told them what was going on, and moved out. Now you think my friends would have helped, but i couldnt find anyone. DO you think the ex, came up and helped pack, since half the crap was his? O no...he couldnt, he wouldnt. So the only person who helped was my mom and she cant lift anything. So i packed up all of my crap and half of his, and moved my stuff back home, expect for the couches and tables i bought with my money, which went into storage. I threw all of his crap in there, because he said he would pay for storage. Do you think he did.....NOPE...so i let that get behind and let them auction off his crap. I sold my couches and tv and tables and got a little money back. After i broke up with him, he use to call and ask for his crap, and i said, dont you remeber, it was in the storage that you let get behind and i didnt pay for it this time. Theres more drama to this, but i dont have the engery to tell it

So thats why i wait til marriage to move in. I learned my lesson

Hate to be a downer, but just because you are married doesnt mean that cant still happen.

 

[Jessie702]

yes i know....BUT i would have a little more protection married.

 

[ts44]

I want to echo what others are saying, you have more going on in your life, plus the pets, you have the right to want to be at your place. Especially with a roommate involved at his!

I just think it''s kind of selfish of him to demand that you stay at his place when it''s clearly no small inconvenience to you.

 

[princesss]

For us, responsibilities dictate. He rarely spends the night at my place because we don''t have a crate for his dog at my house. I spend the night there about 1 time/week because I have my cats. When it was just me with pets, we spent time at my house 90% of the time. Now we split things a little more evenly.

And yes, he is mooching off of you now, and I''d point that out. Not to be mean, but because he genuinely might not know he''s doing it and that it''s stressing you out. I did that to BF for a while and it wasn''t until after it stopped that he told me it had been a problem. I would have loved it if he''d told me while it was happening so that I could have helped out instead of stressing him out more.

But I don''t think you''re being a brat for wanting to spend more time at your place than his. I would, too.

 

[elrohwen]

Honestly, I don''t think it''s very considerate of him to want you to spend so much time at his house when you have a cat needing medication and a dog that can''t be left alone at his place. I could see spending one night a week at his place, but I really think it''s a bit unreasonable for him to expect you to spend every other weekend at his place. Especially if he''s renting a room from someone who doesn''t make you feel particularly welcome.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Katomm, Purselover, Susied, Lilykat, Swingirl, Jessie702, NakedFinger, ts44, Princesss, and Elrohwen--

Thank you all so much for your responses. I just think we both have very different views. He thinks he does a ton of stuff for me and buys me groceries, etc. (That''s happened maybe twice, and he''s left me money a few times, but not many.) I''ve tried to explain my situation to him and he just doesn''t get it. He feels like he is the doing all of the compromising and that he does WAY more for me then I do for him. It is extremely tiring trying to explain your side of things when the other person is blinded by their own side. Don''t get me wrong, I''m not trying to devalue his feelings. He is entitled to feel the way that he feels, which is fine, I just feel differently then him. Right now, he''s very much at the point of "If you want to see me, you know where I live...come see me." I just don''t think that is fair. Especially since his classes just ended and he''s still unemployed, so while I''m juggling/struggling with 2 summer courses from 5:30-10:30 every Tuesday and Thursday, a full-time job, my pets, my family, and him...he''s not really doing anything but yet I''m expected to come to him. I''m just at a lose of what to do. I''m trying to find a compromise but the only compromise he seems to want to accept is the every other weekend thing. I told him about my cats meds and he reminded me that when I had surgery about 7 weeks ago, the vet told me I could have someone give him his meds once a day instead of twice to make in easier on the person stopping in to check on him while I was recovering. So he reminded me that I can give it to him once a day which would cut back on the trips back and forth. I don''t necessarily want to do that b/c I know it isn''t best for him.

Also, did I already mention that since May I have had my wisdom teeth out (with dry socket), foot surgery on both feet (6-12 week recovery...on week 7 so I''m still hobbling around), and the biopsies on suspicious moles. It has been a very long summer and I haven''t exactly been in the best condition to be traveling constantly. He doesn''t seem to understand that either.

How can I make him understand and see my side? I''m truly at a loss.

 

[KittyBling]

I really feel for you after reading your last post. You really need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us and be firm. Maybe you should show him what you just posted because its clear to anyone who reads this that you have been through a lot and your life is hectic at the moment and he should be the one making changes not you.

 

[LilyKat]

PrettyInPink, I am so sorry that you''ve had such a difficult time with health issues. I can definitely see how that could make you even less able to travel back and forth, in addition to your incredibly busy work/school schedule and pets.

In answer to your question, you can''t make someone else see your side of things, other than by explaining it to them clearly and honestly - and if that person cares about you, they will do their best to understand and try to come to a compromise. If you really have explained what you''ve told us to your SO, and he still is not seeing your point of view and trying to accommodate you, he is being inconsiderate. What is he like in other ways? Is it just this issue he is refusing to respect your feelings on, or is this a wider problem? I don''t mean to invent problems where there aren''t any, so tell me if I''m completely wrong, but from your posts I''m struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship.

 

[princesss]

I''m kind of with LK on this. He really can''t understand that when you''re juggling work/school/animals and he''s got....ummm...nothing? that perhaps you shouldn''t have to do an additional 30 minute drive at least twice a day to see him and take care of your responsibilities? REALLY? Not cool. Things aren''t always fair in a relationship. That''s just how it works. Sometimes one person has to do more. Over time it can switch, and the other partner has to make more effort. It''s how you support one another.

I''m sorry, I''m kind of dumbfounded at this. If he''s not normally like this - if he''s normally a caring, considerate partner - I''d say there''s probably something under the surface he''s not either willing to admit to or aware of, and you''re going to have to figure that out before this will get better.