If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move on?

[momhappy]

I'm curious how others feel about long-distance friendships - If you have a fairly good friend who moves far away, do you stay in contact even though you know that you will hardly ever see them again?

 

[PintoBean]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

In my older age it's about communication being a two way street. It's not going to be me always initiating conversations. I have demoted two of my friends (in my heart and mind) bc I finally got sick of trying so hard with communicating with them. Decades. The straw that broke the camels back was when I lost my job and they texted saying they loved me and were there for me but when I reached out to them all j got was crickett... Crickett...

 

[telephone89]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

One of my friends has left the country to teach in Korea. She's been there for the past 3 years and she isn't coming home anytime soon. One of the wonderful things about social media these days IS being able to connect with these people. We still message, and when she is back in town we always grab lunch or dinner.

Come to think of it, I don't have many friends that I've moved on from due to distance. It is usually due to other things that my friendships have faded.

 

[momhappy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

But if you will rarely (and more likely never) see that friend again, would you still maintain contact?
I don't see the point and I wondered if others felt differently. I should mention that I have a fairly easy time moving on from things though - I'm not one to drag things out just for the sake of dragging them out. If I'm not going to probably ever see someone again, I think it's best to cut loose and move on.

 

[Queenie60]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I live in California - have 3 long time friends (30+ years) that have moved away. One back home to Germany, we keep in contact regularly and see each other about every 3 years or so. One in Missouri, see her every year and one in Portland and I see her about two times per year. If you value the friendship and it's a two way street - then I would say it's worth keeping in contact.

 

[telephone89]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

But if you will rarely (and more likely never) see that friend again, would you still maintain contact?
I don't see the point and I wondered if others felt differently. I should mention that I have a fairly easy time moving on from things though - I'm not one to drag things out just for the sake of dragging them out. If I'm not going to probably ever see someone again, I think it's best to cut loose and move on.

I think that depends. I agree - no need to drag it out. But I dunno, I like to know what people are up to (nosy?) and that sort of thing. I've made 'friends' with people while on vacation, and while I will likely never see them again, I do have them on FB and comment on their photos, keep tabs on their adventures, that kind of thing. But that isn't what i would consider a deep or meaningful friendship, so perhaps it doesnt apply.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

This might depend on how close a friend it is. If it's a very close friend, I do make an effort to stay in touch, whether it's by phone or e-mail, whichever way I know works best for them. If it's more of an acquaintance, I usually e-mail or call every once in a while and then take the other person's lead. In general though, I don't really think distance needs to dictate how often friends should stay in touch.

PintoBean, I feel the same way you do about one way friendships. It really irritates me. I don't often speak up though because then I'd be considered "high maintenance," and who wants that?

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

This is a sore point for me. If I care about a friend, they could be on Mars but they are in my mind and heart. Social media makes it easy to keep in touch.

However, I have been on the receiving end of the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and it hurts. As if I'm only valuable if I'm right in front of the person. No one likes to think they are so forgettable and disposable. Also, if a friend is only interested because I'm easy - geographically available - then I guess she never cared about me.

If I moved away for good and a friend decided not to keep in touch for the reasons that Momhappy says, and then I moved back unexpectedly, I would not want to be friends with the person again if they couldn't be bothered about me when I was away. But that's just me - I try hard only to make time for the people I really care about and who really care about me. Fair-weaher friends are a total waste of time for me.

Momhappy, if you don't really care that much about the friend then I can understand your position. But if it's a friend that you really like and you cherish her, do your part to keep the friendship alive. Good friends are hard to find and the really good ones shouldn't be disposable. You can't surely know that you will never see her again. Maybe she'll come back, maybe her circumstances will change - or maybe yours will, and maybe you'll be thrown together again. Life has a way of throwing some really strange circumstances at you. Or if she's move to somewhere far away, you could go visit her and experience a new place.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

Jambalaya, "out of sight, out of mind" is a good way to put it. I've never understood it but like you, I've been on the receiving end. Just curious, did you talk to the person/people who made you feel that way?

 

[momhappy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

This is a sore point for me. If I care about a friend, they could be on Mars but they are in my mind and heart. Social media makes it easy to keep in touch.

However, I have been on the receiving end of the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and it hurts. As if I'm only valuable if I'm right in front of the person. No one likes to think they are so forgettable and disposable. Also, if a friend is only interested because I'm easy - geographically available - then I guess she never cared about me.

If I moved away for good and a friend decided not to keep in touch for the reasons that Momhappy says, and then I moved back unexpectedly, I would not want to be friends with the person again if they couldn't be bothered about me when I was away. But that's just me - I try hard only to make time for the people I really care about and who really care about me. Fair-weaher friends are a total waste of time for me.

Momhappy, if you don't really care that much about the friend then I can understand your position. But if it's a friend that you really like and you cherish her, do your part to keep the friendship alive. Good friends are hard to find and the really good ones shouldn't be disposable. You can't surely know that you will never see her again. Maybe she'll come back, maybe her circumstances will change - or maybe yours will, and maybe you'll be thrown together again. Life has a way of throwing some really strange circumstances at you. Or if she's move to somewhere far away, you could go visit her and experience a new place.

Sure, one can "keep in touch" on social media, but truly maintaining a friendship takes more effort than that IMO. I have old friends on FB and I get to see glimpses of their lives/they get to see glimpses of mine, but none of us is really maintaining much of anything except casual contact.
My question wasn't really about anyone specific to my life - it was more of a general curiosity - someone recently told me that they still occasionally text with an old friend (who moved away). It seemed sort of odd to me and I wondered if others shared my feelings or if it was a product of my ability to easily move on from certain relationships with people in my life.
I agree with those who say that if a good friendship is worth it, then it's worth maintaining no matter what the circumstances

 

[PintoBean]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I think where you both are in life factors in too. I reconnected with high school
Friend via Facebook in 2013 after drifting post high school graduation. I sent a birthday party FB event invite to all
The FB friends in the area and she came! It was a little awkward because mumble mumble mumble number of years had passed but she felt like the same good hearted gal at the core to me. And there were other people around too. A few months later, DH and I decided to go To a wine festival and I put out another open invite on FB and she and her husband came with and it was wonderful. That was 2014. 2015 she is divorcing her husband, we sold an apartment bought a house, I lost my job and started a business... She invited us to her birthday party but our schedules were out of whack and we couldn't attend it. I don't think we will be friends who text all
The time, and she's not a big FB person which makes it funny that she randomly saw my event invite the few times she logged on, but I will think of her every so often and she is one I will make an effort to get together with because she gives as good back. Sorry about the ramble I am on business trip by myself and stuffed myself silly with dinner and getting a little shmoopy and missing my fur babies

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

This is a sore point for me. If I care about a friend, they could be on Mars but they are in my mind and heart. Social media makes it easy to keep in touch.

However, I have been on the receiving end of the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and it hurts. As if I'm only valuable if I'm right in front of the person. No one likes to think they are so forgettable and disposable. Also, if a friend is only interested because I'm easy - geographically available - then I guess she never cared about me.

If I moved away for good and a friend decided not to keep in touch for the reasons that Momhappy says, and then I moved back unexpectedly, I would not want to be friends with the person again if they couldn't be bothered about me when I was away. But that's just me - I try hard only to make time for the people I really care about and who really care about me. Fair-weaher friends are a total waste of time for me.

Momhappy, if you don't really care that much about the friend then I can understand your position. But if it's a friend that you really like and you cherish her, do your part to keep the friendship alive. Good friends are hard to find and the really good ones shouldn't be disposable. You can't surely know that you will never see her again. Maybe she'll come back, maybe her circumstances will change - or maybe yours will, and maybe you'll be thrown together again. Life has a way of throwing some really strange circumstances at you. Or if she's move to somewhere far away, you could go visit her and experience a new place.

Sure, one can "keep in touch" on social media, but truly maintaining a friendship takes more effort than that IMO. I have old friends on FB and I get to see glimpses of their lives/they get to see glimpses of mine, but none of us is really maintaining much of anything except casual contact.
My question wasn't really about anyone specific to my life - it was more of a general curiosity - someone recently told me that they still occasionally text with an old friend (who moved away). It seemed sort of odd to me and I wondered if others shared my feelings or if it was a product of my ability to easily move on from certain relationships with people in my life.
I agree with those who say that if a good friendship is worth it, then it's worth maintaining no matter what the circumstances

I think some people are just more sentimental than others, Momhappy. Some people keep in touch just for old times' sake with friends they no longer have much in common with. For many people, those old times are a bond, and a link to the past. Others would rather just move on already - my dad is very much like that. Me, I'm so sentimental I find it hard to look at my late mother's old lace handkerchiefs. But there were two girls at high school who were just lovely, so sweet and kind and funny, but when we left school it was like - bam! No one in the whole school ever heard from them again. They clearly didn't want to keep in touch. I also worked with two women like that. It just seemed such a pity when we all got along so well and had so much fun together, but I don't think you're unusual, Momhappy, in preferring to move on.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I think it depends on the friendship and how much effort both sides put towards maintaining it.

I have lost touch with many friends, but still see a few. We travel quite a bit and meet up whenever possible. The friendships are different than they were, but that's OK with me.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

Jambalaya, "out of sight, out of mind" is a good way to put it. I've never understood it but like you, I've been on the receiving end. Just curious, did you talk to the person/people who made you feel that way?

I didn't talk to them, Zoe. For quite a while I tried to keep in touch with the occasional card or letter (pre-social media) and it was like pulling teeth. It was so obvious that they didn't want to keep in touch that I gave up, really. I mean, when someone doesn't want to know, it's pretty obvious and I took the hint, you know?

When we all went away to college, we'd meet up during the winter holidays when we came back home and these two people were the only ones not there. They had previously been involved, fun, popular members of the group and we always invited them out whenever we met up back in our hometown when back from college, but they always made excuses and they never came. After a couple of years those GTGs stopped as people's lives expanded. Years later social media came along, and although those people are on FB, they want nothing to do with anyone from school.

These two people didn't know each other that well, by the way, so it's not as if they just wanted to be friends together. They decided independently that they never wanted to see anyone from high school again, even though they had a great time at high school and we were all a mature, supportive, close-knit group of friends - no meanness or bullying. Some of them had parents who went away a lot. We had some great parties but we were well-behaved - there was no sex or drugs, although there was plenty of drinking and making out. We were teenagers coming alive to the world and the touch of the opposite sex. They were halcyon days. The abstentees were always laughing and having fun and we got on so very well. It hurt quite badly and I'll never understand why they had to dump the entire school - but I really think that some people are just like that. My sister, four years ahead of me, experienced exactly the same with a girl in her class too, who was so warm and nice. I know it's how a lot of people operate, but I'll never understand the Grand Cut-off when there's no apparent reason for it and when always had such fun together. I find it enormously sad, but I am a sentimental idiot.

 

[momhappy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

This is a sore point for me. If I care about a friend, they could be on Mars but they are in my mind and heart. Social media makes it easy to keep in touch.

However, I have been on the receiving end of the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and it hurts. As if I'm only valuable if I'm right in front of the person. No one likes to think they are so forgettable and disposable. Also, if a friend is only interested because I'm easy - geographically available - then I guess she never cared about me.

If I moved away for good and a friend decided not to keep in touch for the reasons that Momhappy says, and then I moved back unexpectedly, I would not want to be friends with the person again if they couldn't be bothered about me when I was away. But that's just me - I try hard only to make time for the people I really care about and who really care about me. Fair-weaher friends are a total waste of time for me.

Momhappy, if you don't really care that much about the friend then I can understand your position. But if it's a friend that you really like and you cherish her, do your part to keep the friendship alive. Good friends are hard to find and the really good ones shouldn't be disposable. You can't surely know that you will never see her again. Maybe she'll come back, maybe her circumstances will change - or maybe yours will, and maybe you'll be thrown together again. Life has a way of throwing some really strange circumstances at you. Or if she's move to somewhere far away, you could go visit her and experience a new place.

Sure, one can "keep in touch" on social media, but truly maintaining a friendship takes more effort than that IMO. I have old friends on FB and I get to see glimpses of their lives/they get to see glimpses of mine, but none of us is really maintaining much of anything except casual contact.
My question wasn't really about anyone specific to my life - it was more of a general curiosity - someone recently told me that they still occasionally text with an old friend (who moved away). It seemed sort of odd to me and I wondered if others shared my feelings or if it was a product of my ability to easily move on from certain relationships with people in my life.
I agree with those who say that if a good friendship is worth it, then it's worth maintaining no matter what the circumstances

I think some people are just more sentimental than others, Momhappy. Some people keep in touch just for old times' sake with friends they no longer have much in common with. For many people, those old times are a bond, and a link to the past. Others would rather just move on already - my dad is very much like that. Me, I'm so sentimental I find it hard to look at my late mother's old lace handkerchiefs. But there were two girls at high school who were just lovely, so sweet and kind and funny, but when we left school it was like - bam! No one in the whole school ever heard from them again. They clearly didn't want to keep in touch. I also worked with two women like that. It just seemed such a pity when we all got along so well and had so much fun together, but I don't think you're unusual, Momhappy, in preferring to move on.

Yes, I think you're right - some people are just more sentimental than others. Clearly, I am not when it comes to this sort of thing. I suppose there is no harm in maintaining contact with someone even if you know you will never see them again (as long as both parties are getting something out of it).

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

Depends on the friend. I moved around several times growing up. I was not very good at staying in touch. I just moved a few years ago and have really put an effort in maintaining my friendships. It is SO much easier now with social media and texting. Plus the best friends (for me) are the kind you don't speak to for months and then when you reconnect it is as if no time has passed. I have many friends like that so I feel truly blessed. I am a low drama kinda gal so I only stay in contact with like minded people.

 

[UrsTx]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I move on quickly. I moved a lot growing up (army child) so that probably contributed to my ability to move on easily.

I like to stay in touch with old friends via FB though - just looking, checking if they're happy and healthy, but not actively posting. I'll also contact those near places I've vacationed or had business trips to meet up for dinner. But I don't stay in contact enough to chat daily on the phone, etc.

 

[distracts]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I stay in contact. It seems kind of... heartless... to me not to, or to not even be interested in it, like your friends only have worth if they have use to you? The emotional connection doesn't decrease with physical distance - I may not see them often, and may not talk to them often, but we'll still speak via phone several times a year, text, facebook, twitter, see each other when we are in each others' cities, etc. A group of my high school friends and I go on vacations together every year or so, and my husband does the same with some of his friends who have scattered across the country. At this point, most of the people I consider my best friends don't live in the same city that I do, but it doesn't make them less my best friends.

BUT I will say that me and most of my friends are fairly introverted and don't like doing much social stuff, so even when we were all in the same city and attending the same school we were more likely to communicate online, so it's not too much of a change to not live in the same city. I think for people whose social activity happens mostly face-to-face, that may be more difficult or seem more pointless.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I thought I would offer an alternative perspective as someone who has shifted around a bit. At the moment I live several months a year in Beijing and the rest in Singapore. I haven't replaced the friends I left in my two previous home cities/country. I still think about them, and if they needed help I would be there (in fact I've recently spent time trying to help one of them). But unless I have something important to tell them I won't neccesarily reach out. It doesn't mean I don't think about them though.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

Depends on the friend. If it's a real friend - the kind of friend that has been there during difficult times - as opposed to a more superficial "let's go to dinner once in a while" type friend - I would keep in touch.

But by keeping in touch I mean email / online / texting updates...if they insist on a phone call...or they want an hour long phone call and they drag conversations...they won't hear from me very often...not because I don't think of them, but because I really hate the phone. I would call once in a while as a compromise, but not often at all.

So if it becomes a "thing" that we don't talk enough on the phone the relationship will fade away...

But I'm not sentimental and can go long periods of time without speaking to anyone...there's only one or two people in my life that I would regret losing. And that has always been the case for me. I don't have a lot of friends (nor do I want them).

 

[missy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I have a few long distance friends and we are still good friends. We remain close and we keep in touch despite not seeing each other often due to the distance. It's not like a long distance marriage IMO. In a long distance friendship you can talk frequently on the phone/via email and text and even face time and still feel connected vs being in a long distance romantic relationship where that would be much more undesirable (for me) where it is more challenging to feel connected.

For me friends are not "disposable" and as such I do not "move on" when good friends move away. If we are close enough friends we remain close friends by making the effort necessary to maintain the relationship despite being further away geographically. So while it might be more challenging it is a worthwhile endeavor to keep in touch via other ways vs seeing each other in person. We live in a day and age it is much easier to keep in touch other ways.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I wouldn’t maintain a friendship (or contact with relatives for that matter) just because of sentimentality, no. I’m not a sentimental person, life is short, and I prefer to move on from a friendship that isn’t positive or is one sided. Sometimes I’ve been close to people for a specific time or during a shared experience, and I totally agree that this can pass, and people can move on. I have friends and family who live almost within walking distance but who I never see from one year to the next. Not from any bad feeling, but because we’re not close and yes, we’ve let go. For me though, it’s not really a function of distance.

For friendships with people who love me and who I love in return, distance isn’t going to come into it. I’m far too stubborn for that. I admit I’m not the greatest at maintaining regular day to day keeping in touch, but if I care enough about someone to enter into a close friendship, and if that is reciprocated, I will be seeing them again, wherever they move to (hahahaha – you can run, but you can’t hide…). Now I think about it, some of the friends I’ve made via social media etc and met up with in more recent years (several through PS), have never lived close to me in the first place.

My husband has the same mindset. He has a small number of life long friends who live all over the world. They visit, and we visit. Over the last few years, we’ve taken trips to incorporate visits with friends and family in London, Wales, New York, Nicaragua, Helsinki, Belgium, France, Toyko, Singapore, the Outer Hebrides, the Isle of Skye and Cowdenbeath. I can’t recommend that last one, actually. My parents took me abroad every year when I was growing up, and most trips, we met up with their friends somewhere in the world, even if it was just for lunch or dinner on one day of a two week trip. It enriched our lives. they weren't in our lives day to day, but my parents' maintained the connection, and are glad for it now they're in their 80s (my parents are visiting friends in Switzerland this week) We had lots of return visits, new experiences and good times. I’m taking my daughter to NYC next week so she can meet some of my friends and relatives and their kids too. It’s fun to see a different place through the eyes of people who live there, wonderful to be welcomed to a place by someone I care for, and really good to stay connected with people who matter to me.

Of course, if they move again and again and I have to work at tracking them down each time, after a couple of decades I suppose I can usually start to take the hint…

 

[momhappy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I don't view friends as disposable and I don't think that I'm heartless either... (not that I think those things were directed at me specifically - I'm just responding with a general observation). I just think that some people like to move on from things, while others like to hold on - both is fine IMO. Since I spend limited time with friends (because I prioritize my kids/family), I want to make the most of the few quality friendships that I have. As I said before, I maintain casual contact (on FB) with some old friends, but not to the point of what would be needed to nurture that friendship. Friends come and go throughout our lives and I don't necessarily think that means that you're somehow a bad person if you have an easier time moving on. Likewise, I don't see anything wrong with holding on to old friends either

 

[missy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

Yes you are right in that I was not referring to any specific poster in this thread. Just sharing my views on this topic. I too prioritize my loved ones and really only have a handful of cherished close and true friends and geographical distance does not separate us. I don't think of it as holding on so much as mutually being in a loving caring relationship no matter where they happen to live. They are dear friends where distance just cannot separate us. If that makes sense. It is always mutual and not one person holding onto the other. Hope that makes sense.

 

[momhappy]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

^Yes, that makes sense, missy

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

I think it's hard to find friendships that are really worth holding on to. That's why I think if you have one, keep it! To be honest, as we have gotten older and well into middle age, quite a few of my friends caused me a truckload of trouble. Then there are quite a few who were so sweet and open when we were in our twenties, but in the ensuing years have become so embittered by life that they seem to resent anyone else being happy. I could have many more friends than I do right now if I wanted, but I've let quite a few drift away because I won't put up with their nonsense. Also, as life went on, quite a few turned out to be fair-weather friends, doing things like disappearing when I had miscarriages and later insulting me behind my back about my baby weight, and many of them have been nowhere to be seen since we've had a lot of deaths in the family. It's easier to have friends when your own life is going well, but when your life turns tough, it's kind of like a veil is lifted and you're left with what's important in your life. Often, that's family.

I think a true-blue, through thick-and-thin friend is very hard to find. I've observed that jealousy can be a real problem in friendships - single versus married, kids versus no kids, who earns the most, whose husband earns the most, and I've even heard that women who have children only of one gender can be envious of those who have one of each. Someone I know had a friend who refused to give her any sympathy when her father died on the grounds that she was married ("You've got a husband!") and the perpetrator of this lovely logic was long-term single. As far as she was concerned, the married friend had everything - more money, more social support, more family - so she didn't "deserve" any extra support! That friend was really hurt by her friend's heartlessness over her father's death. Another person I know had the same reaction when a friend was going through personal difficulties, and the reason was that her family was wealthy, so she wasn't getting any sympathy from the poorer friend, no siree! The received wisdom is that friends are so important for your well-being but no one ever talks about the dark side of friendship. I think friends can and do hurt each other quite a lot.

See, this is the trouble with living a long time - you get to see how badly people can behave over a long period of time!

I try to keep my house in order, because if the sh*t were to hit the fan in life - like getting cancer - who wants to be surrounded by frenemies? I grew up in a very chaotic, miserable house so having a pleasant, peaceful life is of the utmost importance to me. Therefore I try very hard not to be surrounded by friendships which have any negativity. It means I have far, far fewer friends than I could have otherwise, and it's a little lonely sometimes but there is a great lack of drama and I do have peace in my life. For me, family is more important than friends. If I had a wonderful friend I would always keep in touch with her though, no matter what the distance. They are hard to come by, and life has certainly taught me that.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

One thing I've done over the years is look at friendships in a different light than I used to. I've had friendships fizzle out over time because of big moves, life events, etc., but it wasn't anyone's fault. I've been grateful for the time I had with these friends and I leave it at that. If we ever reconnect, that would be great. I also have family friends who I/we see rarely. We hear from our parents and families how everyone is doing, but we only talk and/or see each other every few years. We pick up right where we left off and it's as if no time has passed. I value those friendships even if we're not part of one another's daily lives.

 

[House Cat]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

My very best friend lives in Texas and I live in California. She has lived all over the place since we were kids and we haven't ever lost touch.


I don't really stay in touch with casual people, regardless of their geography. They could live next door and if I feel lukewarm about them, I am not going to make much of an effort. I'm sort of an all or nothing kind of girl. My husband always tries to explain this thing called the "casual relationship" to me. I get it in concept buy in practice, I stink at it.

 

[KarenD]

Re: If a friend moves away, do you stay in contact or move o

In my experience it really works 2 ways. If both parties make an effort the friendship can last if its only one way, the friendship usually dies.
I have one childhood friend who always calls or visits when she is in town, i have tried with the others, but i was always the only one to call..