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I never got a proposal.

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viewfromagirl

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 26, 2009
Messages
2
I really need to vent to someone and I''m hoping that the lovely people on PS (who I have been reading about for a while now) will listen without judgment.

A couple of years ago my now fiance and I decided to get engaged. There was no surprise ring. I organized all the meetings with prospective vendors and tried on different rings with him being present. I wanted to try all different types but he was insistent that I choose something he also liked. So he choose a tiffany style solitaire.

He also wouldn''t let me get anything bigger than 3/4 of a carat. He wanted to set a budget, although he could really afford me anything I really desired. He sees it just as a cost.

So anyway. We saw this diamond with 3/4 of a carat. He checked it with the loupe and the certificate (mind you we are total newbies at this) and was happy with it.

When it was ready to be picked up I saw him after work he let me put it on and that was that. No proposal. No nothing. I even asked him about proposing to me and nothing really came of it.

We told his parents that we were engaged. It was very procedural like.

No engagement dinner, nothing. (I wasn''t too worried about this and still am not)

I was asked by work colleagues how he proposed and felt like I was missing something because NOTHING happened.

I hate wearing the ring. It''s not what I really wanted and I always associate it with sitting in the car wearing the ring out of the box and never receiving a proposal.

My fiance tells me I should get over it and move on.

I can see the bigger picture but it has been bugging me for so long now. I''m not even sure I should be organizing a wedding anymore.

Thanks for listening
 

SailorsSweet<3

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2008
Messages
723
Date: 2/26/2009 9:01:59 PM
Author:viewfromagirl

My fiance tells me I should get over it and move on.
Do you really want to marry someone who is so willing to so openly disregard your feelings on something that you're instincts are telling you wasnt what you wanted it to be? Honey - he is not thinking about you at all. Regardless of the budget and the shopping - couldnt he have at least told you what he loves about you and why he wants you to be his wife? Grr I cant stand how some men treat women.
Go with your what your inner voice is telling you. I could see it peaking its head out there towards the end of your post. You know whats right.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,002
Is he sweet to you in other ways? I think a lot of us just talk about getting married and end up without a momentous proposal! So I wouldn''t worry about it at all if he is thoughtful and loving towards you in other ways. But if he rarely puts your needs first, then you will have more disappointments in the future.
 

viewfromagirl

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 26, 2009
Messages
2
He is my perfect match in every other way.

I just am afraid that I can''t get over this at all.

He said he was sorry about it, but then told me I should get over it.

I look at the ring and it doesn''t represent love. It represents a cost to him. It doesn''t represent a romantic proposal.
 

blastdoor

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2008
Messages
159
hi vfag, its always makes me feel sad when i heard stories like this.. as a stranger i would not know the full situation, so i will just write something random for you to read as reference.. (btw i am a guy)...

- some guys are just not romantic...

it doesn't mean they don't love their women, they just don't know how to express it.. there was this story of an engineer (so called the most boring people alive, i beg to differ).. his wife was so angry with his lack of romance than she gave him an unltimatium - to fetch her a flower from the edge of the cliff or lose her forever.. he didn't, but instead dropped a note saying... "if i went to fetch you that flower and fall over, i won't be able to take care of you anymore.. and we both know how much you need taking care of.. but if one day, you find someone who can take care of you better than me, then i would gladly die picking that flower for you..."

- picking out the ring together...

that was what happened.. no? and in some people's eyes that is a really romantic thing... well... he did went for something he liked and less what you liked.. and he did set a budget... but there are guys out there doing worse... trust me.. i am an engineer in the construction industry, and i know guys who can afford to spend thousands on entertainment night after night and refuse to spend anything more than the minimum when getting gifts for their ladies...

- try to get over it...

this i have to disagree... things like this go straight to the heart and are therefore the hardest to get over... and to live with something like this to have it eat away something inside bit by bit.. and eventually... even if you "survive" you lose a part of what's inside... and wounds like these are hard to heal... and gets harder with time..

- perfect match in any other way...

what else can i say? you said it best yourself... of the billions of people in this world, how many can claim this for themselves?

- (my) conclusion...

there are many ways to conduct a loving relationship.. the best analogy i ever came across is "boiling water"..

some people boil their water slowly with a consistent, controlled, fire.. and at the end of the day they have themselves a pot of perfectly boiled water...

some people use a high heat, but find the water already boiling before the other ingredients are ready, so they put it to simmer, but at the end of the day, though the water is still hot, they found they lost half of it through evporation...

a small group use high heat, couldn't care less about it, and kettle boils itself dry... then they just change over a new pot of water and start boiling all over again...

sometimes, the most romantic thing isn't in a pleasant surprise or with a nice dinner... sometimes, the most romantic thing is.. after living together for 40, 50 years, the guy would still hold his lady's hand when they take that stroll in the park.. would still kiss his lady's cheek when they are seated at their favourite bench... and he turn around to ask her, "baby, did you have a good life with me?" and the tear that rolled down her cheek, does sparkle more than any AGS000, H&A, D-IF, ever would...

at the end of the day... a relationship is not born.. it is built... only you, and your significant other, can decide if it is worth your effort... coz only you, and your significant other, can make it work... all my best wishes are with you...

my 2 cents...
 

Feralpenchant

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
427
My boyfriend has been taking me around to look at rings, he''s not amazing at being sly, so I think we''ll be getting engaged soon, even though he hasn''t said anything for sure.

But a while back I was casually talking about my friend''s engagement ring, and then it turned to what I like in rings and what I would want, and we had this huge argument about how "diamonds don''t represent love, it''s materialistic and stupid (his word, not mine) to want a diamond."

He flat out said he would buy me a diamond because he loves me and that''s what I want, but it will not mean anything to him and he thinks it is stupid.

Completely different situation than yours, Viewfromagirl, but I can understand where you''re coming from. When I heard him say that the engagement ring would be meaningless to him, it became meaningless to ME.

I think you should do what''s in your heart. You may be happy with him, but you will carry the memory (or lack thereof) of your engagement for the rest of your time with him. Only you know what''s right for you, maybe this will fade in time, or be overshadowed by things that he does for you that are exceedingly sweet. But maybe not.


I wish you well with sorting things out.
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
maybe you can get a plain band. Give him back the e-ring, and tell him that the proposal is important to you, and that you NEED one. If it is going to keep you from getting married, I would say that you need it, lol. Also, in terms of the ring, does the vendor have an upgrade policy? If so, you may have time before the wedding to squirrel away money for something that is more your taste. If complains, tell him to "just get over it".
Or you can wait and do a 2nd or 5th anni upgrade.

Good luck!
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Wow, viewfromagirl, this story sent up a lot of red flags for me. I know that we only know a little bit about your relationship but the fact that he isn''t taking your feelings into account at all is really concerning to me.

If the ring and the proposal are important to you, they should be important to him. Telling you to just get over something that is bothering you is never a good response no matter what it is that bothers you or how stupid he thinks it is.

If you''re having doubts about the wedding, you need to speak to your fiance and really take some time to figure out if this is the right man for you.
 

vespergirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2007
Messages
5,497
The way that he is approaching this concerns me. I had almost the same problem with my ex-husband - note that he is now "ex". He proposed, but he didn''t give me a ring. He told me that we would go ring shopping together, and then brought me to a store that only had silver with semi-precious stones. I told him that I wanted a diamond for an engagement ring, and he freaked out, saying that diamonds were a stupid waste of money and only used to flaunt the salary of the fiance (as a musician, he didn''t have a lot of cash, but enough that he could buy himself a new instrument worth several thousand dollars every year).

When I mentioned that I knew that he had money saved for a new guitar (he already had two), he said that that money was for something useful, not a stupid diamond ring. Note that I wasn''t looking at anything extravagant, something like .5 ct. Eventually, my father spoke to him about hooking him up with our family jeweler, and I desinged a tanzanite ering with diamond sidestones in WG (he refused to allow me to get a diamond center stone.) When everybody was looking at my ring at my shower, he was bragging that in only cost $800, which made me feel cheap - not that you can''t get a nice ring for that amount of money, because it was lovely, but because he was advertising that he wanted to get me a cheap, bargain ring, and that showed me (and everyone there) that he didn''t feel that my happiness was worth investing in.

We were only married for two years, because, not only was he totally cheap with me going forward (yet always found thousands for things that he wanted), he continued to disregard my interests, life goals, and things that were important to me. So, in my particular case, a guy being cheap and inflexible regarding the ring reflected his behavior towards me in the marriage.

I knew that my second husband was a keeper, though, because he also proposed without a ring, but he said that was because he knew how much I loved jewelry, so he wanted me to pick something that I loved. When I picked out a 1.5 carat stone, he insisted on something bigger, because he could afford it and he liked the bigger stone better - he knew that I would be over the moon with a big beautiful diamond. Does he think that diamonds are silly? Probably, but he would never put down my interests or make me feel bad for liking diamonds. He has been a wonderful, generous husband, financially, emotionally, and with his time - it showed be that he respects and considers my feelings, regardless of whether the same things are important to him or not.

Sorry this was so long, but reading your post made me want to share my experiences with you, so you can see where I''m coming from ...
 

vespergirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
5,497
One more thing that I forgot to add, even though it may contradict my previous post somewhat, is that I''ve been proposed to 3 times and married twice, and my last proposal from my husband was by far the least romantic (even though he got me the best ring)
So, sometimes, you have to really know your guy - my husband shows me that he loves me by his actions, not poetry and grand romantic gestures. My heart pulled when I read your headline, because I wish that I had had a more romantic proposal, but I did get a great marriage in the long run. So, I guess that you have to consider whether romance is just not your guy''s thing, or if the lack of romance is coming from a place of disregard for your feelings.
 

annadragon

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
170
"I hate wearing the ring. It''s not what I really wanted and I always associate it with sitting in the car wearing the ring out of the box and never receiving a proposal."
You will always feel this way until you can reconcile it internally or externally. I second Trill''s suggestion. Return the ring to him. This is important to you!
Is he excited about the wedding? Does he help you with planning it?
Or is it procedural and business all the way?
I suspect, though I won''t venture to speculate on details, that either this is a huge thing for you and he has completely missed the mark OR that there is other stuff going on and this just reflects the surface.


Sweetie, don''t marry someone who doesn''t make you happy
 

princessplease

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,497
I''m sorry to hear this, and I agree with the other suggestions. If it''s something important to you, then it needs to be important to him. You should feel happy, warm and pleasant feelings when looking at your ring because it''s supposed to represent the love and commitment that two people have for each other. You said you hate wearing the ring. Your ring should not provoke feelings of hatred. He needs to consider how you feel in this.
 

jet2ks

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2009
Messages
2,022
Wow! I''m not sure what to say right now.

As a guy, I understand that the "practical" side of getting engaged (budget, ring, etc.) is easier to deal with than the "romantic" side. Do I fully understand why a woman wants a diamond ring and romantic proposal--nope! Even not fully understanding the why, I do comprehend that it is important to her, and that makes it important to me.

If you were shopping for a ring together, why did he pick the setting and stone? Sure, he wants input and the ring ought to reflect some of his personality, as well as yours, but YOU are the one that will be wearing it for the rest of your life. The ring should be something you both love, but now you say that you hate it. You really need to sit down and talk this one out. The idea of returning the ring to him is a good one, maybe after the conversation and he has a better grasp of your perspective. My questions are whether this ring shopping episode is indicative of a controlling personality or if he was uncomfortable trying to shop without really knowing what he was doing. Also, if he does take the ring and come back with a genuine heartfelt proposal, are you still going to have bad memories associated with that ring?

Only you can answer those questions, good luck with whatever you choose
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
All is fine and good with you both choosing the ring together. But just because he isn''t romantic means he gets out of proposing to you if it''s important to you. I am very worried that it doesn''t bode well for your marriage if he obviously isn''t hearing you on something that means so much to you.

I''d say that now is a much better time to find out than after the "I DOs". Take some time for yourself and think about whether this is really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Has anything like this happened before, where you had certain hopes for something you wanted, communicated them to him, and he disregarded what you wanted, or is this the first time you have felt this way?
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
I have been married happily for 20 years and I never received a proposal. Heck I never got a ring until I said something about it and we picked a setting a put a cz in it, because even though we could easily afford a diamond we both decided that a house was more important and that is where the money went.

When you think about it we had a house before we were married and it was completely outfitted with furniture and appliances. After 4 years we sold that home and built a new one and paid it off in 10 years. In that respect we are just both very practical in nature. We did upgrade our bands after a few years and mine and his have diamonds in it. This year he promised me a new diamond ering and that I can pick out anything I want and don''t look at how much it costs, because I guess he does sense it means a lot to me.

I am still waiting for the proposal and tease him about it every year. To tell you the truth it would probably be very emotional for him so I understand he is not someone who can express himself in words. But his actions speak volumes! I have been extremely happily married for 20 years and we wake up each day with a kiss and kiss each other throughout the day (to my daughter''s embarassment), hold hands, finish each other''s sentences, call each other at random times to say that we miss each other, take care of each other even when we just have a cold.

I know that many of us want the movie version of the romantic proposal, but I''d rather have the happy ending.
 

Djarum

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 14, 2008
Messages
25
I going to put my perspective on this. I am a Computer engineer, which, really, means nothing.

However, my gf and I have been together for 6 years.

Now, before I get flamed, there are some hard realities, especially when talking about the ring and then the marriage in general. We are also heading into a fairly deep recession, which makes buying a ring less important.

1st, let me get to the ring. I believe that the gesture is important. However, I don''t believe the expense is. I think people, including myself, should be realistic with what they can afford. My gf is completly happy with this. In saying that, I know folks who go into some deep debt buying rings for their gf''s. This is silly, if you ask me.

I would say that in general, I''m not very romantic. I''d go to the end of the world for my gf, but I freely admit I don''t do the simple things. In the grand scheme of things, they aren''t always important, but sometimes they are. The point that I''m making is that there are men who will wine and dine, but always come up short on the important things. Then, there are men who take care of the important things, but come up short on the small romantic things. What is important for a guys gf is not always important to the guy. And it doesn''t mean it isn''t because the guy doesn''t love the gf either. Just like there are things important to the guy that aren''t important to the girl.

Within our society, there is always the expectation of the ring given to the girl for a proposal for marriage. For the most part, this is traditional. So then we have to beg the question, whats more important, the ring or the gesture. Considering that in many societies, the cost of the ring does enter into braggin rights for women. And don''t tell me yall don''t do it either. I think this is where many men, including myself, have issue. However, I know my gf doesn''t care how much I spend, as long as I put the effort to put something nice together. For some women, thats enough, others however, want something expensive, and this is where men can become indifferent about buying one and the proposal in general.

This tradition is also a double standard, especially in today''s society. What token does the woman give the guy when accepting the proposal? Just a "yes?" That doesn''t instill any confidence in a man who wants to get married, especially if its not a two way street.

Ok, now my flame suite is on.

Dj
 

Djarum

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 14, 2008
Messages
25
" have been married happily for 20 years and I never received a proposal. Heck I never got a ring until I said something about it and we picked a setting a put a cz in it, because even though we could easily afford a diamond we both decided that a house was more important and that is where the money went.

When you think about it we had a house before we were married and it was completely outfitted with furniture and appliances. After 4 years we sold that home and built a new one and paid it off in 10 years. In that respect we are just both very practical in nature. We did upgrade our bands after a few years and mine and his have diamonds in it. This year he promised me a new diamond ering and that I can pick out anything I want and don''t look at how much it costs, because I guess he does sense it means a lot to me.

I am still waiting for the proposal and tease him about it every year. To tell you the truth it would probably be very emotional for him so I understand he is not someone who can express himself in words. But his actions speak volumes! I have been extremely happily married for 20 years and we wake up each day with a kiss and kiss each other throughout the day (to my daughter''s embarassment), hold hands, finish each other''s sentences, call each other at random times to say that we miss each other, take care of each other even when we just have a cold.

I know that many of us want the movie version of the romantic proposal, but I''d rather have the happy ending. "

This is the road my gf and I are taking. Right now, we are saving for a house. Then we will look at a ring.

Dj
 

AprilBaby

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
11,153
I would give him back the ring and tell him we are engaged when he proposes properly. (and that I wanted a different ring)
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
2,827
Date: 3/7/2009 1:45:09 AM
Author: Djarum
' have been married happily for 20 years and I never received a proposal. Heck I never got a ring until I said something about it and we picked a setting a put a cz in it, because even though we could easily afford a diamond we both decided that a house was more important and that is where the money went.

When you think about it we had a house before we were married and it was completely outfitted with furniture and appliances. After 4 years we sold that home and built a new one and paid it off in 10 years. In that respect we are just both very practical in nature. We did upgrade our bands after a few years and mine and his have diamonds in it. This year he promised me a new diamond ering and that I can pick out anything I want and don't look at how much it costs, because I guess he does sense it means a lot to me.

I am still waiting for the proposal and tease him about it every year. To tell you the truth it would probably be very emotional for him so I understand he is not someone who can express himself in words. But his actions speak volumes! I have been extremely happily married for 20 years and we wake up each day with a kiss and kiss each other throughout the day (to my daughter's embarassment), hold hands, finish each other's sentences, call each other at random times to say that we miss each other, take care of each other even when we just have a cold.

I know that many of us want the movie version of the romantic proposal, but I'd rather have the happy ending. '

This is the road my gf and I are taking. Right now, we are saving for a house. Then we will look at a ring.

Dj
Dj, many good wishes to you and your gf. My DH always remembers the day we first met (today) and our first date (next week) and it's been over 25 years! I wish you and your gf the same. I teased him again today about the proposal and he said he's working on getting it just right.
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
Date: 3/7/2009 1:40:56 AM
Author: Djarum
I going to put my perspective on this. I am a Computer engineer, which, really, means nothing.


However, my gf and I have been together for 6 years.


Now, before I get flamed, there are some hard realities, especially when talking about the ring and then the marriage in general. We are also heading into a fairly deep recession, which makes buying a ring less important.


1st, let me get to the ring. I believe that the gesture is important. However, I don't believe the expense is. I think people, including myself, should be realistic with what they can afford. My gf is completly happy with this. In saying that, I know folks who go into some deep debt buying rings for their gf's. This is silly, if you ask me.


I would say that in general, I'm not very romantic. I'd go to the end of the world for my gf, but I freely admit I don't do the simple things. In the grand scheme of things, they aren't always important, but sometimes they are. The point that I'm making is that there are men who will wine and dine, but always come up short on the important things. Then, there are men who take care of the important things, but come up short on the small romantic things. What is important for a guys gf is not always important to the guy. And it doesn't mean it isn't because the guy doesn't love the gf either. Just like there are things important to the guy that aren't important to the girl.


Within our society, there is always the expectation of the ring given to the girl for a proposal for marriage. For the most part, this is traditional. So then we have to beg the question, whats more important, the ring or the gesture. Considering that in many societies, the cost of the ring does enter into braggin rights for women. And don't tell me yall don't do it either. I think this is where many men, including myself, have issue. However, I know my gf doesn't care how much I spend, as long as I put the effort to put something nice together. For some women, thats enough, others however, want something expensive, and this is where men can become indifferent about buying one and the proposal in general.


This tradition is also a double standard, especially in today's society. What token does the woman give the guy when accepting the proposal? Just a 'yes?' That doesn't instill any confidence in a man who wants to get married, especially if its not a two way street.


Ok, now my flame suite is on.


Dj
I definitely agree with a lot of what you said here. However, I think the problem of the OP is not that the ring she received wasn't expensive enough, and it didn't come off in her post that the ring she wants is more expensive than the one she received. Her issue was that her FI didn't take her opinion into consideration, and just got her the ring he wanted, instead of the ring she wanted.

In all of this it just feels like she, as a person is lost -- her FI didn't ask her officially if she would marry him, and just assumed she would. He took her ring shopping, and then didn't even care about her opinion.

I know men are expected to spend some money on a ring and all, but it's certainly not all rainbows and flowers for women either. In our society men are expected to buy the ring, and ask for the woman's hand in marriage, but the woman is supposed to wait for the guy to want to ask. If you peek at the LIW forum you will see that the process is extremely stressful for a lot of women as well. I think the waiting is what makes it important for the guy to specifically ask. When you're waiting a while for him to be ready for the next step, when it finally happens, after all the agony all you want is to be asked.

To the OP, I would say give him back the ring, and tell him that you're not engaged, because you weren't asked, so you haven't given him an answer. If you have such strong feelings about the ring, I would give it back as well. So sorry this time in your life isn't as joyous as it could be. Best of luck!
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,659
Date: 2/26/2009 9:08:33 PM
Author: SailorsSweet<3
Date: 2/26/2009 9:01:59 PM

Author:viewfromagirl

My fiance tells me I should get over it and move on.
I would take his advice and MOVE ON!! I doubt that this is the only insensitive thing he's ever done (like not letting you pick out your own ring and putting you on a budget which doesn't reflect his income, and giving you the ring with no proposal, just for starters). But this one is a biggy that you are not able to get over!
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Date: 2/26/2009 10:34:37 PM
Author: viewfromagirl
He is my perfect match in every other way.

I just am afraid that I can''t get over this at all.

He said he was sorry about it, but then told me I should get over it.

I look at the ring and it doesn''t represent love. It represents a cost to him. It doesn''t represent a romantic proposal.
Awww....this makes me so sad. I think that if it''s something that is that important to you, then he should care and he should do something about it.

I''m so sorry you feel this way.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Date: 3/7/2009 1:40:56 AM
Author: Djarum
I going to put my perspective on this. I am a Computer engineer, which, really, means nothing.

However, my gf and I have been together for 6 years.

Now, before I get flamed, there are some hard realities, especially when talking about the ring and then the marriage in general. We are also heading into a fairly deep recession, which makes buying a ring less important.


1st, let me get to the ring. I believe that the gesture is important. However, I don''t believe the expense is. I think people, including myself, should be realistic with what they can afford. My gf is completly happy with this. In saying that, I know folks who go into some deep debt buying rings for their gf''s. This is silly, if you ask me.

I would say that in general, I''m not very romantic. I''d go to the end of the world for my gf, but I freely admit I don''t do the simple things. In the grand scheme of things, they aren''t always important, but sometimes they are. The point that I''m making is that there are men who will wine and dine, but always come up short on the important things. Then, there are men who take care of the important things, but come up short on the small romantic things. What is important for a guys gf is not always important to the guy. And it doesn''t mean it isn''t because the guy doesn''t love the gf either. Just like there are things important to the guy that aren''t important to the girl.

Within our society, there is always the expectation of the ring given to the girl for a proposal for marriage. For the most part, this is traditional. So then we have to beg the question, whats more important, the ring or the gesture. Considering that in many societies, the cost of the ring does enter into braggin rights for women. And don''t tell me yall don''t do it either. I think this is where many men, including myself, have issue. However, I know my gf doesn''t care how much I spend, as long as I put the effort to put something nice together. For some women, thats enough, others however, want something expensive, and this is where men can become indifferent about buying one and the proposal in general.

This tradition is also a double standard, especially in today''s society. What token does the woman give the guy when accepting the proposal? Just a ''yes?'' That doesn''t instill any confidence in a man who wants to get married, especially if its not a two way street.

Ok, now my flame suite is on.

Dj
Djarum

I''m going to describe my situation...

My FI is a statistics person. This also has nothing to do with the topic at hand. But it shows that he''s not exactly the most imaginative person and emotional/romantic stuff is not exactly his forte or what he''s interested in.

We are poor. I don''t work, and he makes just over the poverty line. We''re both students. So our financial situation isn''t the best. (Although I still manage to get a lot of shoes out of it.)

First of all, the ring I wanted was relatively cheap-a blue spinel in a white gold solitaire. This is what I wanted in general, not because we''re poor. My ring would cost far less than $1k. I agree with you that people should be realistic with what they can afford, and we certainly took that into account. He''s told me many times that he would have bought me whatever I really wanted--even if it was a big fat expensive diamond. He had saved much much more than what my original ring (long story short, they couldn''t get my ring done on time, so he went with a placeholder-kind of) ended up costing, and even with the custom reset we''re getting, he''s spending less than what he originally saved.

My FI also isn''t very romantic. He''s just not. The most romantic thing he''s done for me is surprised me with an edible arrangement before he took me out on a date. This was over a year ago. You and he seem to have a lot in common in that he''d do anything for me, but doesn''t do the little things. I disagree with you that there are 2 different types of guys with guys that wine and dine, and guys who do the important stuff. There are far more shades of gray. I do agree that what is important for the guy is not important to the girl and vice versa, HOWEVER, if something is TRULY important to one, the other should regard it as important as well. That''s my belief, and in proposals, it''s proved to be true time and time again with women who can''t let it go that their guy didn''t think that the proposal itself was important enough.

Yes the ring is traditional. For your question, even considering the fact that we are on a diamond website, I would say that most, if not all of the women here, want the gesture more than the ring. Yes for some people the ring equals bragging rights. And in some societies, the ring equals bragging rights for the women''s family. Sometimes the ring ISN''T just for the girl. For our situation, I didn''t care about the ring. I wanted the proposal. I wanted to marry the man. Its not often that women come here saying, "I wanted a bigger better ring and he could afford more and I''m wondering if I should marry him because he doesn''t consider me to be worth enough!" It''s more often what the OP is saying, that she doesn''t feel engaged because the proposal had no thought put into it. That''s to not even get into the ring part of the post, because that isn''t her main concern from what I can tell. She hates the ring because it represents something that she isn''t happy about.

As for the tradition with women not giving men anything--this all boils down to tradition. Many women are buying reciprocating gifts for their fiances and going against tradition in doing so. In our case, my FI doesn''t want anything. And for us, he doesn''t give a whit about getting married, but because he knows it is (and it''s accompanying accoutrements like an engagement ring and proposal) are THAT IMPORTANT to ME, it became important to him, and he outright refused to propose without a ring. (Even though I asked him to on more than one occasion.)

What my post boils down to is this:

If he proposed without a ring, and a ring wasn''t in the cards at all, would the answer still be yes?
If he gave you a ring and no proposal, would you even consider yourself engaged?

It depends on whats important to the woman. After thinking about this, I would say that I think the OP should consider this ring as a gift and make it clear to him that it is NOT an engagement ring because he never asked. I also think that a new ring needs to be bought--something that she WANTS, but I think that for her this is a far secondary consideration to the fact that her BF/FI didn''t put any thought into what she''d want emotionally in a proposal instead of just symbolically. In reality he just bent to society''s expectations and totally neglected what she wanted. I don''t blame her at all for second guessing whether or not she should be planning a wedding. This ring is completely jaded for her, and I don''t know that she''ll ever look at it and smile the way most women do, as they fondly remember their proposals or whatever their husbands went through to get that ring.

So is a proposal a proposal if the man doesn''t ask the woman (and sometimes vice versa) to marry him? I don''t believe this is the case. I certainly wouldn''t consider myself engaged.
 

Sharon101

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
919
Date: 2/26/2009 10:34:37 PM
Author: viewfromagirl
He is my perfect match in every other way.

I just am afraid that I can''t get over this at all.

He said he was sorry about it, but then told me I should get over it.

I look at the ring and it doesn''t represent love. It represents a cost to him. It doesn''t represent a romantic proposal.
If he is really your perfect match in every other way then I would personally move on. Especially if he said sorry.

I also dont think a ring (necessarily) represents love or anything else. Well, maybe it represents love only in the way I love wearing my ring! But it has no other meaning to me than a beautiful piece of jewellery that does cost alot.

If your guy is easy with most things and you just get along great etc then dont let this ruin the occassion. There arte plenty of things coming your way to fill in the need for romance eg honeymoon, wedding ring, wedding, home children etc etc.

Rings can always be upgraded or replaced.

However, if this guy is usually selfish and unconcerned about your needs, it will only get worse....because `selfish` has lots of ways of showing its ugly head and it will find a way in to every area of your married life.
 

Regular Guy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 6, 2004
Messages
5,954
I glanced here earlier...and felt I had to come back.

My modest suggestion...roll back the tape...

Reading from the beginning...


Date: 2/26/2009 9:01:59 PM
Author:viewfromagirl
I really need to vent to someone and I''m hoping that the lovely people on PS (who I have been reading about for a while now) will listen without judgment.

A couple of years ago my now fiance and I decided to get engaged.......
Let''s get rid of the black box. Somebody said the words. Could have been either of you. However it was said, by whoever said it...once the theoretical was no longer there, you had a proposal. It may have been you, and not he...I could only guess.

Not sure that this has helped...but it seemed clear to me that this shouldn''t be overlooked...

Warm regards,
 

Sharon101

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
919
Date: 3/11/2009 4:25:27 PM
Author: Regular Guy
I glanced here earlier...and felt I had to come back.

My modest suggestion...roll back the tape...

Reading from the beginning...



Date: 2/26/2009 9:01:59 PM
Author:viewfromagirl
I really need to vent to someone and I''m hoping that the lovely people on PS (who I have been reading about for a while now) will listen without judgment.

A couple of years ago my now fiance and I decided to get engaged.......
Let''s get rid of the black box. Somebody said the words. Could have been either of you. However it was said, by whoever said it...once the theoretical was no longer there, you had a proposal. It may have been you, and not he...I could only guess.

Not sure that this has helped...but it seemed clear to me that this shouldn''t be overlooked...

Warm regards,
OMG Regular Guy, thanks for the added clarification and attension to details!!! Good spotting.

In addition I overlooked the words.....`a couple of years ago`....

So, due to further reading of the info...I will say wholeheartedly......move on sister!!!!
 

snowflakeluvr

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2006
Messages
359
hi sweetie,
underneath your words, there''s an unspoken tone-of disappointment, of wishing, of hoping that he''d do something different than he did/does. i married someone 22 years ago who let a girl he worked with(and had a crush on) try on my engagement ring. when i found out, i knew then and know now that my husband was and always will be more about impressing the other person than me. should i have married him over that? i don''t know, but we have five gorgeous kids and i have had a long and lonely marriage. really think this over. i really "feel" there''s more to this cuz if he was a perfect fit for you in all other ways(which most people are not) this would not be an issue BECAUSE he would KNOW you and what''s important to you and would have met your needs by giving you an appropriate proposal and even a ring that was more to your liking than his. he''s not going to change. i am living it. bless your heart sweetie and know that you deserve to have your needs met and your heart fulfilled!
 

jfus

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
195
Wow.. I know what your feeling..

I was engaged (notice i said WAS) who told me I had to have a ROUND stone because they held their value better.. I was also told I''d get no more then 1 carat.. (not that there is anything wrong with that size) but he could have afforded double that... and just felt it was a waste of money... Well 15 seconds after that ring was on my finger.. I knew i made a mistake... First he proposed in a way that was not "me" . YOu''d think after 3.5 years the guy would know NO SPECTICALS... welll he proposed on a cruise ship infront of HUNDREDS of people during the formal dinner in the 3 tiered dining room area. NOT COOL.

ANyway like you.. thoughts of this stuck with me throughout the engagement.. Yeah it was creative but not me..

My now husband and I ring shopped together and I knew the day the ring arrived. I went to his apartment and we started hysterically laughing and he slipped the ring on my finger. It was the most romantic and memorable moment of my life. I wouldn''t change one thing about it, and I also got my dream ring... a tiny bit larger then 1 carat but it was EXACTLY what I wanted.

Soooo what I have to say to you is.. really take a step back and look at this guy. Is he good for you? Or do you KNOW he is the one?? you need to figure that out.
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Unless you totally want to destabilise this relationship, and its forward progression, I would not now be announcing that this ring is not an engagement ring, and that you are not actually engaged because you did not get a proposal. Lots of girls don''t get a ring they adore, and lots of guys baulk at the cost of the ring. Mine did. I had to find the cheapest ring I could live with in my state! I am finally getting a ''nice'' ring now, but his overall opinion is that diamonds are a waste of money. Oh well, he is really generous, hardworking and loving in other respects...I hope he is as happy with me as I am with him, because I love him to bits!

If you do want to be with him, and overall are happy with where your life is going with him, I would try to work with what you''ve got. These are things I would do, you might think these suggestions are ridiculous, but what the heck:

eg * start planning your wedding and make a big deal of finding the most romantic wedding dress, the perfect venue, that perfect wedding band to go with your Tiffany setting. Hey, I''ve just chosen a Tiffany style solitaire myself (got the fifth anni upgrade), they go great with shared-prong bands! Also, a shared prong is not the cheapest deal for a wedding ring, you can perhaps consider that you have exacted a little revenge! lol


I took a secret fleeting pleasure in finding that my cheap-as-chips engagement ring would require a custom-made band... and it really needed little teensy diamonds in it, just to make it fit in and look nice. Hearing him grizzle (mildly) about that made me feel happy. (joke)


* Don''t expect him to make a big deal of all the wedding planning, it seems the world is your oyster because if he at all similar to my non-diamond guy, he doesn''t give a rat''s about weddings either. In fact, he''s probably already dreading the hoo-ha, so make it easy for him, by getting exactly what you want, without bothering him...

I was surprised that my man was interested in choosing his own clothes to wear, though, he and his henchmen wore exactly what he himself wanted (although I did all the running around, I have to say)

* start saving a little money with a view to upgrading or embellishing your engagement ring for your fifth anniversary...three stone anyone? and, if you feel confident discussing it, mention your intentions to your husband on day down the track (in a friendly, happy way!!)

* feel free to discuss his uptight / non-romantic behaviour, and tease him that he has to take you somewhere fancy and ''propose'' (with the ring). You could actually call it a ''we''ve set the date'' celebration, where he has his last chance to make up for the missed opportunity to create that special memory...or you could just forget the whole proposal part (I mean, it was a couple of years ago anyway), and just find a deserted beach, a comfy rug and a bottle of champagne.... pack a sexy picnic lunch, and take a photo!

If after thinking about all this stuff you still can''t be bothered, perhaps you should consider whether he is truly the guy for you. After all, if you yourself have been engaged for a couple of years, and still not got around to setting the date or considering venues (for example), what does that tell you about your own motivations? Anything? Nothing?

Life moves on, we can''t all be sparkly all the time! If you love him, and he is indeed perfect for you (honestly) well, then, let the music begin!
 
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