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I need a good telling off - or a hug. Sticky situation?

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justthisonce

Rough_Rock
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Mar 30, 2009
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5
I''m posting under a new user name, just this once, as FI knows my other and I don''t want to hurt him by posting on a public forum, but I honestly don''t know what to think.

The situation:
I have a gorgeous e-ring right now. It''s a triple 0 1.6 ctw 3 stone with a 1 ct center. There is a certain amount of money that is available for one purpose only - jewellery, from a particular jewellery store, and this money, if you will, ''expires'' mid-June. I love my ring but I''d love a bigger center. The available money would allow me a 2 ct excellent performer by any ps standards.

The background, because I think it explains our thoughts better: A boy, let''s call him K, proposed before, once (I said no, we somehow managed to stay good friends after that). In a tale of real tragedy he got sick and passed on, and I got the ring that he''d kept. I couldn''t stand having it around, even in a deposit box, so I had it sold and part of the proceeds were given away, and part of it retained as store credit (K bought the stone partially through store credit himself, so the vendor would only cash back what was given as cash, which is clearly stated policy and I was fine with it). K''s mother hated me for a long time after he passed - she blamed me for his car accident, a continent away, though quite honestly I blamed myself too. Fastforward three years, I''m in a much better place emotionally, I''ve found a wonderful man (call him F) who knows everything there is to know about it all. K''s mother has expressed regret for the way she treated me. I can only upgrade my current stone for a certain amount of time (through mid-june), though I''m sure asking nicely could extend that time - I just don''t think the way we feel is likely to ever change!

I''d love to upgrade for my birthday (June) or as a wedding ring (I''ll only wear the one ring). We''ve been engaged for almost a year, and we''re not getting married for another year and a half still, so it''s not as though it''s been weeks... I''m not attached to the history at all - I think fondly of K, and I remember him, but - this sounds callous - even though I don''t feel right using the money on anyone else, or anything else but an engagement ring, somehow, I have no problems using it for MY ring. I don''t wear any other jewellery anyway, not even earrings, even wearing a ring took some serious getting used to! I feel horribly guilty, because when we started dating I had absolutely no interest in jewellery of any sort, and now he''s stuck with a diamond-craving fiend. I could just not use any of it, it''s not coming from my pocket, really, but it''s taunting me.

F feels pretty much the opposite way. I suggested using part of it for his wedding ring, and he flipped - I felt like an idiot after thinking about what I''d just suggested. To him, this store credit is a reminder of past relationships, and the fact that he and K didn''t think much of each other exacerbates everything he''s feeling. He''s not thrilled with the idea of upgrading at all, but he''s really, genuinely okay with it if it''s what I really want and if it''ll make me happy. He just doesn''t want to feel like K would be paying for part of our engagement/wedding ring. He''s a romantic in every way. I can understand what he''s saying but the practical part of me is screaming "free bigger diamond", and I know that I''ll want to upgrade for the wedding anyway - even better if we can do that without losing money we could use for the wedding! We''re both young, I''ve just started working and he''s still in grad school, so we wouldn''t be able to save up this much anyway, and I don''t want to upgrade again after that wedding ring, whatever it winds up being.

So.. the substance of the novel is that I don''t know if I want a hug or if I need a good telling off. I know I''m being a greedy creature, but... ugh, I still want it!
 

brooklyngirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
1,071
Hmmm... I can definitely see where your FI would have a problem. I wouldn''t do it. It''s your engagement ring, from the man you love, and should represent him, and only him.

I, personally think the money at the jeweler''s should go to K''s family. His mom should probably use the money to get a nice piece that she can look at, and remember her son.
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
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24,426
Well, to be honest, I would not have taken the ring to begin with, I would have given it back to his mom. So I would follow the suggestion by brooklyngirl of giving his mom the credit now. It sounds like you have a lovely ring as is....
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
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13,324
yep, I agree with the other ladies that it should go to his mom. I didn't want to be the first to say so, because it didn't sound like you were considering that option in your post.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
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11,534
Date: 3/30/2009 5:34:49 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
I, personally think the money at the jeweler''s should go to K''s family. His mom should probably use the money to get a nice piece that she can look at, and remember her son.
I agree ... purchase something & send it to her w/a note. Let it go.

Or, if you *really* think he''d want you to have something to remember him by (which is the only thing it should be used for IMHO ... whether its for you or his mom) then spend the credit amount on something you''d wear from time to time -- NOT a daily piece.

Its hard to see the total result of our actions when we''re clouded with WANT WANT WANT. I don''t blame you for being taken in by the desire temporarily. But HONESTLY I think if you upgraded your e-ring with the credit you''d have a ghost on your finger. In time you''d regret it so fiercely that you''d want to claw that ring off of your hand.

Also, I''d apologize to your fiance for ever suggesting such a thing. You just got carried away with "practical maximizing" and didn''t realize it would be a hurtful, selfish suggestion. But it was. (imho)

Good luck w/deciding. And whatever you do.
 

writergeek

Rough_Rock
Trade
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I agree with the other responders. It would be a lovely gesture now, especially since the mother has reconnected with you, to give it to her. I liked the suggestion that the mother could get a piece that would be a remembrance of her son.
 

LD

Ideal_Rock
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Speaking as a Mother I can say that giving her a gift to remember her son has got to be one of the most selfless and generous actions of human kindness. You''ve said that your feelings for him are not really around much now but his Mother will never feel that way.

I firmly believe in fate and good people get rewarded for good deeds.

You''ll have your bigger diamond in the future .......... you may just have to wait a little longer.
 

Efe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2006
Messages
773
Date: 3/30/2009 5:34:49 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Hmmm... I can definitely see where your FI would have a problem. I wouldn''t do it. It''s your engagement ring, from the man you love, and should represent him, and only him.

I, personally think the money at the jeweler''s should go to K''s family. His mom should probably use the money to get a nice piece that she can look at, and remember her son.
That was my first thought. I think that would be an amazing gesture.
 

justthisonce

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
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5
That would be being the bigger person, wouldn''t it? You''re both right. I''ll defend myself by saying that there was an awful lot going on and an awful lot of bad feeling going round. I didn''t even think about giving his mother the lot of it, but it''s a very good idea, I actually think I''ll do that. It''s so easy to get worked up. I wasn''t fair in my original post: I do have a gorgeous ring, and we (really we, not me dragging F along :) ) do plan to upgrade for the wedding regardless - I''ve started saving already, in fact. The only question was whether to use this money for it or not, and I think I needed someone else to say what FI would never, and I''d never let myself: you''re being a pig.

Cheers?
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Feb 17, 2007
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14,167
I''m with everyone else on this. Buy his mom something (maybe with his birthstone).
 

justthisonce

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
5
ETA: I started my response after reading Ellen''s, that the rest of you say the same thing says something!
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
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12,578
I can certainly understand you wanting a bigger diamond. After all I am a serial upgrader! In this case though I would suggest not upgrading. Your FI is who is important. If he feels so strongly about not using the credit you shouldn''t do it.

I also agree with the idea of giving the credit to the mother.
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/30/2009 5:55:11 PM
Author: justthisonce
That would be being the bigger person, wouldn''t it? You''re both right. I''ll defend myself by saying that there was an awful lot going on and an awful lot of bad feeling going round. I didn''t even think about giving his mother the lot of it, but it''s a very good idea, I actually think I''ll do that. It''s so easy to get worked up. I wasn''t fair in my original post: I do have a gorgeous ring, and we (really we, not me dragging F along :) ) do plan to upgrade for the wedding regardless - I''ve started saving already, in fact. The only question was whether to use this money for it or not, and I think I needed someone else to say what FI would never, and I''d never let myself: you''re being a pig.

Cheers?
I wouldn''t go that far, how about "human"?


As mentioned by deco, I think your decision to give it to his mom will be something you can live with far more easily than using it for an upgrade. No ill/odd feelings to be had all the way around!
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
I wish this was made up drama, but apparently it''s not.
I''ll just go ahead and bluntly say what I suspect the majority are thinking...are you saying you want to upgrade a diamond given by your FI with money from a former engagement ring from a guy you said NO to, that later died!!! - WTH is wrong with you? Size is that important?


No wonder you signed in under an alias
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
3,998
Date: 3/30/2009 5:48:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Date: 3/30/2009 5:34:49 PM

Author: brooklyngirl

I, personally think the money at the jeweler''s should go to K''s family. His mom should probably use the money to get a nice piece that she can look at, and remember her son.
I agree ... purchase something & send it to her w/a note. Let it go.


Or, if you *really* think he''d want you to have something to remember him by (which is the only thing it should be used for IMHO ... whether its for you or his mom) then spend the credit amount on something you''d wear from time to time -- NOT a daily piece.


Its hard to see the total result of our actions when we''re clouded with WANT WANT WANT. I don''t blame you for being taken in by the desire temporarily. But HONESTLY I think if you upgraded your e-ring with the credit you''d have a ghost on your finger. In time you''d regret it so fiercely that you''d want to claw that ring off of your hand.


Also, I''d apologize to your fiance for ever suggesting such a thing. You just got carried away with ''practical maximizing'' and didn''t realize it would be a hurtful, selfish suggestion. But it was. (imho)


Good luck w/deciding. And whatever you do.
This is an excellent post. Totally agree.
 

justthisonce

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
5
Well, I think that qualifies as my good telling off! It''s a diamond board, a certain amount of materialism is expected. Aside from that though, no, size isn''t that important. And I do wish it was all made up.
 

writergeek

Rough_Rock
Trade
Joined
Mar 9, 2009
Messages
53
I do agree most of us were probably taken aback a bit. One other responder said it well I think, she would''ve given the ring to his mother - not taken it. I was kind of wondering why that didn''t occur to her that though she couldn''t stand having it, maybe there was someone else who would''ve loved it - his mother.

The original poster sounds young and the young can be heedless. Now it sounds like she''s seen it from another perspective and probably learned something valuable. More valuable than an upgrade in diamond size...
 

jstarfireb

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2007
Messages
6,231
I don't have too much more to add...just that it's a shame to let a perfectly good store credit go to waste, so I'll echo the idea of getting K's mom something nice. Especially now that you and she are on better terms. Someone mentioned his birthstone, which is cool. Maybe a pendant so his birthstone would be close to her heart? Depending on the amount of the credit, you could spring for a pair of diamond earrings...they're always classy and something she could wear pretty much all the time.
 

packrat

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
10,615
Date: 3/30/2009 5:55:56 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m with everyone else on this. Buy his mom something (maybe with his birthstone).
I think that''s a lovely idea.
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Well, you''ve gotten a good telling off...so here''s a ***HUG***

I agree that a birthstone pendant for his mother would be a lovely idea. I''m sorry there was bad blood between the two of you but hopefully this will help you both to move on.
 

justthisonce

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
5
Alright, I''ve just got done talking to the vendor. It was surprisingly easy to assign another name - and I feel better. I did the ''right'' thing, but I won''t lie - I''m relieved that it''s out of my hands too. It seems like such a straightforward solution now! As for K''s mother - she didn''t want the original ring, and we played pass the parcel for quite a while, and all of those hurt feelings will just take time. FI is happy and wonderfully forgiving
Now, is there something that I should be doing to close this thread?
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
Happy endings for all!

Report the thread to the mods through the button at the top of the thread and ask them to lock it. The button is a ? is says message admin.
 

NeverEndingUpgrade

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
1,823
Another vote for giving the credit to his mom, but please don't pick anything out for her. Give her the credit outright so there are no emotional strings attached to ay item you may purchase for her. You say she is OK with you, but this deal needs to be hers 100% as a remembrance of her son.
 
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