i keep reading if "HE" cheats. what if "SHE" cheated on him?

[Dancing Fire]

should "HE" forgive her?

 

[Steel]

We need the facts DF..... Who? What? When? Where? Why?

We can''t be expected to make that kind of decision based on a 4 word question.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:21:45 PM
Author: Steel
We need the facts DF..... Who? What? When? Where? Why?

We can''t be expected to make that kind of decision based on a 4 word question.

who?...does it matter?
what?...with another man.
when?...does it matter if she cheated in the morning,afternoon or night?

where?...does it matter if she cheated in a hotel room or in their bedroom?
why?...i don''t know. i just wanna hear some excuses from the women side.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:06:47 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
should ''HE'' forgive her?

No! (That was an easy question for me to answer

)

 

[Kaleigh]

Would you forgive your wife???

 

[Miranda]

Haha - Should he? Or could he? I''d certainly hope there would be no double standard as far as forgiveness or walking away is concerned. I do believe that is up to each individual couple and circumstances.

Could he forgive, though, I think that is the real question. We all know how fragile the male ego can be!

My DH said that if I cheated on him it would feel like I chopped off his man parts (not the words he used) and served them to him for dinner. I''m thinkin'' he couldn''t get past it!

 

[Kaleigh]

All the cheaters I know around here , have been the husbands. I know that''s not fair, but it''s been my experience.

If I cheated on my husband, I don''t think he would forgive me. And vice versa.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:59:33 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Would you forgive your wife???

i told her if she''s gonna cheat on me be sure he''s more handsome than i . she said, well then...it don''t take much of an effort.

 

[lili]

Date: 12/20/2008 6:56:05 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i told her if she''s gonna cheat on me be sure he''s more handsome than i . she said, well then...it don''t take much of an effort.

Haha, I like your wife

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/20/2008 7:44:29 PM
Author: lili

Date: 12/20/2008 6:56:05 PM

Author: Dancing Fire

i told her if she''s gonna cheat on me be sure he''s more handsome than i . she said, well then...it don''t take much of an effort.

Haha, I like your wife

me too!! Lol! It''s up to the individual person whether they can forgive or not. Personally I really don''t think that I could.

 

[Phoenix]

I actually know someone who cheated on her husband. She harboured (note: past tense) a lot of hard feelings towards her husband, for different reasons (he gave her STD, lied her to her about his sexual history, lied to her about something else), has problem with his sperms (AND she felt he didn't try hard enough for a baby with her, despite his having the sperm problem), didn't care enough about her when she had some health problems (she felt he was to blame for the health problems) etc. She was very very very upset for a long long time and when this other man came along, she kind of weakened and slept with him. It was for a very short period of time and she's been regretting it ever since BUT....... (she loves her husband and vice versa, and they're an amazing couple), she kind of feels like NOW "they're even".

Not sure how I really feel about that. I know this woman very well and have not told her husband (who's also a friend, but it's really the woman who's my close friend). I don't know if I can forgive her but I kind of understand. Sometimes there's a lot more than what's on the surface - what everyone else perceives. He's known to everyone as the "man who can do no wrong", but I can kind of understand where she's coming from. He's made lots of mistakes and she's made one (albeit a HUGE one), but after everything is said and done, they're *so right for each other*. Not sure how I can explain this, I can *just* see it and feel it. I don't think I will ever tell him. I don't see that it will serve any purpose. She's felt plenty guilty and he's not totally blameless, IMO.

Does any of this make any sense!!??

Oh and to answer your original question, DF: I think he would forgive her, but then again it'd take a lot for him to do so and he'd be hurt for a long long time. And then again, I am an outsider and it's only my perception. Who knows how he'd really react if he ever found out. But do I think he would forgive her?? Should he?? I am not sure, but I kind of understand why she did what she did. Again

 

[somethingshiny]

I play by the same rules I expect my husband to.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Absolutely not. Cheating is cheating...no matter who does it, or for what reason.

 

[Pandora II]

Forgiveness is a personal thing between the couple.

Big generalization coming up:

Women tend to cheat when there are serious problems in the relationship not just for the hell of it.
Women are more likely to leave the existing relationship than a man is.

I cheated on ex-boyfriends. I was in several abusive relationships, and both times it took being with another man who treated me properly to see the mess I was living in and putting up with. Both times I left the boyfriend - but not for the person I was having a fling with.

I have no guilt and no regrets - best moves I ever made.

ETA: the ex-bfs have no idea I ever cheated

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/22/2008 9:33:28 AM
Author: Pandora II
Forgiveness is a personal thing between the couple.

Big generalization coming up:

Women tend to cheat when there are serious problems in the relationship not just for the hell of it.
Women are more likely to leave the existing relationship than a man is.

I cheated on ex-boyfriends. I was in several abusive relationships, and both times it took being with another man who treated me properly to see the mess I was living in and putting up with. Both times I left the boyfriend - but not for the person I was having a fling with.

I have no guilt and no regrets - best moves I ever made.

ETA: the ex-bfs have no idea I ever cheated

WOW, Pandora, are you in my head?!?!

I had a very similar situation. I cheated on my XH because the relationship was WAY beyond saving, and I had been absolutely miserable for quite a while. He was abusive and controlling. I was planning/hoping/wishing to leave, but I just couldn't see a way to get out. Finally, I did cheat on him (with DH) and I just decided not to go home one night. I went to my parents' house instead, which is where I continued to live until DH and I bought our house. I filed for divorce very shortly after moving in with my parents.

I believe that cheating is almost always a symptom of a deeper problem within the relationship. I did try very hard to salvage the relationship with my XH and to make our marriage work, but it takes two people to make that happen. We went to marriage counseling (on my insistence), and our counselor said something to my XH that really stuck in my mind. Here is what she said: "Happily married people don't have affairs." I don't know if that is ALWAYS true, but it certainly makes sense to me. When I cheated, I think I knew deep down that XH would not forgive me, and I wouldn't expect him to. (After all, I wouldn't have forgiven HIM if he had cheated.) I don't think it was the best way to end the relationship, but I don't have any regrets. Leaving XH and marrying DH were the two best things I've ever done for myself.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 12/22/2008 9:49:22 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 12/22/2008 9:33:28 AM
Author: Pandora II
Forgiveness is a personal thing between the couple.

Big generalization coming up:

Women tend to cheat when there are serious problems in the relationship not just for the hell of it.
Women are more likely to leave the existing relationship than a man is.

I cheated on ex-boyfriends. I was in several abusive relationships, and both times it took being with another man who treated me properly to see the mess I was living in and putting up with. Both times I left the boyfriend - but not for the person I was having a fling with.

I have no guilt and no regrets - best moves I ever made.

ETA: the ex-bfs have no idea I ever cheated

WOW, Pandora, are you in my head?!?!

I had a very similar situation. I cheated on my XH because the relationship was WAY beyond saving, and I had been absolutely miserable for quite a while. He was abusive and controlling. I was planning/hoping/wishing to leave, but I just couldn''t see a way to get out. Finally, I did cheat on him (with DH) and I just decided not to go home one night. I went to my parents'' house instead, which is where I continued to live until DH and I bought our house. I filed for divorce very shortly after moving in with my parents.

I believe that cheating is almost always a symptom of a deeper problem within the relationship. I did try very hard to salvage the relationship with my XH and to make our marriage work, but it takes two people to make that happen. We went to marriage counseling (on my insistence), and our counselor said something to my XH that really stuck in my mind. Here is what she said: ''Happily married people don''t have affairs.'' I don''t know if that is ALWAYS true, but it certainly makes sense to me. When I cheated, I think I knew deep down that XH would not forgive me, and I wouldn''t expect him to. (After all, I wouldn''t have forgiven HIM if he had cheated.) I don''t think it was the best way to end the relationship, but I don''t have any regrets. Leaving XH and marrying DH were the two best things I''ve ever done for myself.

Wow, Irishgrrrl, I went through the EXACT same situation and am married to my wonderful DH also. I tried so hard to make it work like you did and nothing changed. I found myself in emotional affairs and killing myself over it with the guilt. I finally realized WHY I was doing it and it solved everything. Best thing I ever did was get a divorce and marry my DH.

So Pandora, I completely agree with you. Women cheat when there are serious problems...for the most part anyways.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/22/2008 10:07:44 AM
Author: Courtneylub

Wow, Irishgrrrl, I went through the EXACT same situation and am married to my wonderful DH also. I tried so hard to make it work like you did and nothing changed. I found myself in emotional affairs and killing myself over it with the guilt. I finally realized WHY I was doing it and it solved everything. Best thing I ever did was get a divorce and marry my DH.

So Pandora, I completely agree with you. Women cheat when there are serious problems...for the most part anyways.

Courtney, I totally agree. Not to over-generalize, but I think women usually don''t cheat unless there''s something seriously wrong in the relationship. I can guarantee you that I would have NEVER cheated on XH if there hadn''t already been some very serious issues in our relationship to begin with.

And honestly, I think men are usually the same way. IF a man cheats, it usually doesn''t come out of the clear blue sky . . . there is often something else wrong in the relationship. Which is why I think that what our counselor told my XH is usually true: "Happily married people don''t have affairs."

 

[vespergirl]

This happened to one of my male relatives and his wife, and they worked it out. When they had been married about 2 or 3 years, she slept with someone else. He found out about it, and he almost left, but they had a one year old son, and he didn''t want to break up the family. For revenge (immature, I know) he slept with another woman on a business trip. Somehow, that "getting even" (and some years of therapy) helped them clear the air, and they just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary, and they seem to be happy that they chose to stay together and work through their problems.

 

[fieryred33143]

Well for starters, I would never discuss the possibility of me, as a female, cheating on him because I know myself…just like he wouldn’t discuss the possibility of him cheating on me. I don’t think anyone would ever mention about what would happen if they decided to cheat on their spouse. That would be silly.

Secondly, male or female the same rules apply.

 

[musey]

I think the 'rules' are the same as if HE cheats. And when I say 'rules,' it only means what each person can choose to do, because quite obviously it will be different for each person/couple/situation.

I think the "what if he cheated" thread was more a "what if your significant other cheated" thread (hence the title, "Have you considered the consequences of your SO cheating on you?"

). It was gender specific only because the original poster, as well as the vast majority of the forum, is female.


All that said, my husband and I randomly had a hypothetical conversation about this. He said he would most likely choose to forgive. I would not. Probably largely to do with the difference between men and women in how/if they hold grudges

I don't get over stuff like that, but hubby is good at forgiving.

 

[Dancing Fire]

so many "women" cheated on this forum.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/22/2008 6:30:49 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

so many ''women'' cheated on this forum.

Oh stop that... You love to stir the pot!!!

And yet we fall into your stink bombs every time. You kill me...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/22/2008 6:36:51 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 12/22/2008 6:30:49 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

so many ''women'' cheated on this forum.

Oh stop that... You love to stir the pot!!!

And yet we fall into your stink bombs every time. You kill me...

at least a few women here have the courage to admit it.

were on the other thread it sounded like only men cheats.

 

[radiantquest]

i have a personal feeling on cheating no matter who is doing the cheating.

i feel that if he got drunk and slept with someone i would be less upset than if he had a full on affair. i think that if he went to dinner and talked on the phone and things like that it is more of a betrayal. whether i would forgive a one night stand i think i might, but never ever an affair.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/22/2008 1:38:03 PM
Author: musey

All that said, my husband and I randomly had a hypothetical conversation about this. He said he would most likely choose to forgive. I would not. Probably largely to do with the difference between men and women in how/if they hold grudges

I don''t get over stuff like that, but hubby is good at forgiving.

sooo...he gave you one FREE pass. use it wisely

 

[beau13]

I know more women than men, who have cheated (still are) on their husbands!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/22/2008 7:25:24 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 12/22/2008 6:36:51 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 12/22/2008 6:30:49 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

so many ''women'' cheated on this forum.

Oh stop that... You love to stir the pot!!!

And yet we fall into your stink bombs every time. You kill me...

at least a few women here have the courage to admit it.

were on the other thread it sounded like only men cheats.

DF, I agree with Musey . . . I think the other thread was more of a general "what would you do if your SO (either male or female) cheated." We kept hearing about what people would do if a MAN cheated because the vast majority of PS members are females who have a male SO. If more men were PS members, I think the other thread would have had more stories about what a man would do if a woman cheated.

 

[HollyS]

Forgiveness would depend on the circumstances, the mindset of the cheater, their reasons why, and whether the marriage/relationship was worth saving. Cheating is usually not just about the guy (or gal) stepping out. Most of the time, they are not getting what they need at home. And it isn''t normally even about sex.

Any counselors out there? Isn''t this pretty much true?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:46:08 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 12/20/2008 5:21:45 PM
Author: Steel
We need the facts DF..... Who? What? When? Where? Why?

We can''t be expected to make that kind of decision based on a 4 word question.

who?...does it matter?
what?...with another man.
when?...does it matter if she cheated in the morning,afternoon or night?

where?...does it matter if she cheated in a hotel room or in their bedroom?
why?...i don''t know. i just wanna hear some excuses from the women side.

Well, now. If it was in their own bedroom. . . . that is definitely a cardinal sin. Unforgivable. Throw the bum/bummette out.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/23/2008 11:08:55 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 12/22/2008 1:38:03 PM
Author: musey

All that said, my husband and I randomly had a hypothetical conversation about this. He said he would most likely choose to forgive. I would not. Probably largely to do with the difference between men and women in how/if they hold grudges

I don''t get over stuff like that, but hubby is good at forgiving.

sooo...he gave you one FREE pass. use it wisely

Oh sheesh

free pass to years of turmoil and couples'' counseling...

Honestly, if I cheated, I wouldn''t want to be forgiven. Obviously my relationship wasn''t working for me, if I cheated. I''d want out. I don''t think I could ever cheat, but if I ever got close enough that it was an in-the-moment conscious decision not to, I''d have a lot of soul-searching to do.