I just got lapped and I hate it

[babycush]

I know it''s petty and ridiculous. I acted happy for my friend in public. But as soon as I got home, I just started crying. They''ve only been dating for 6 months. I know it''s not possible to compare two different relationships. I know that my ring is complete, in the drawer our the bedroom. I know that he is waiting until he gets promoted. The rational part of my brain is telling me to quit whining, but I just need to have a little fit all alone for a while.

And now there''s a spider on my ceiling. This is NOT a good night!!

 

[emeraldlover1]

That is a totally honest feeling. It happened to me many times in the course of our relationship before we were married. After you are married...none of that matters!!!!!!

 

[ohsoauthentic]

I hear ya sister. I go through the same feelings often, pretty much anytime I hear about one of my friends getting engaged. And even without anyone getting engaged around me haha, it happens. My man isn''t even ready to look at rings seriously yet... so there''s a positive spin on your situation! You know you''ve got a ring in your house just waiting for you to wear.

We''re all here for you to have your fit.

And I hope you squashed that spider. :/

 

[HappyNewLife]

have a tantrum, an ice cream cone and a cry--whatever makes you feel better. But try to remember that your BF loves you and you will soon have that ring on your finger!!!

*hugs*

(and try to at least fake enthusiasm for your friend-- I''m sure she will be very happy for you when you''re engaged)

 

[babycush]

Date: 4/23/2010 9:26:27 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
have a tantrum, an ice cream cone and a cry--whatever makes you feel better. But try to remember that your BF loves you and you will soon have that ring on your finger!!!


*hugs*


(and try to at least fake enthusiasm for your friend-- I''m sure she will be very happy for you when you''re engaged)

I had half a scone from Starbucks, and it helped a little

I''m absolutely happy for her, she and her new fiance are wonderful together.

Now I just have to figure out what I''m going to say/do when my man comes home from work in an hour. I have a feeling if I tell him, I''m going to have a LIW meltdown so I might just not say anything and let him find out on his own

 

[MayFlowers]

I know exactly how you feel! In the past month, six of my friends have gotten engaged. Yes, six. Only one of them has been dating longer than me and BF. After the most recent girl got engaged, I went home to BF and cried. It had been an emotional day anyways as I said my goodbyes to my first class of fourth grade students. I was already upset about leaving them and then having another friend get engaged just added to it. I cried on BF''s shoulder for a little while. Then we talked about marriage and how he wants us to be engaged too, we just need the money. I really am happy for all my friends who have gotten engaged too. I guess it''s just so hard for me to watch them all get engaged while I''m still waiting.

I take comfort in knowing that it will eventually happen. He recently set a goal for us to be engaged by the end of this year. But, as we all know, the tough economic times may easily affect this timeline. Just breathe and relax and squash that spider. I absolutely hate spiders! Most of the time I''m too scared to get close enough to them so that I can squash them!

 

[luckynumber]

try not to take it so hard baby.

your BF already has the ring, it''s just a matter of the right time, it WILL happen.

since i''ve heard by BF has the ring, though i''m sooooooo excited to see the ring, i''m now completely chilled out about when he proposes.

besides, 6 months is a really short time before engagement, don''t feel unhappy coz you got lapped by two crazy lovebirds

 

[babycush]

Thanks for all the support ladies, I really appreciate it!! I ended up telling M about it when he got home, mostly because he can read me like a book and would have known I was feeling blue anyway.

He told me that watching his friends get married and engaged is just as hard for him as it is for me. He reminded me that all of his friends from when he was growing up are already married and most of them have kids (he''s only 25... I think there''s something in the water in that town!). In two weeks he has to go to the wedding of two of his friends that he set up, and they are younger than both of us. He''s been ready to have kids for like, a year. He''s not holding onto my ring to torture me, we are trying to be responsible and make sure that when we start a life together officially, we will be in a good place financially.

He also told me, for the first time, that he actually has a plan for proposing, and it will be special and romantic and a story we can tell our kids. It will be coming WAY before I turn 25 (I literally just turned 24 on Monday though, so who knows). It really took me by surprise hearing that because he''s a very impulsive person and I thought he would just wake up one morning and think ''today''s the day, better figure out something to do!''

 

[Callisto]

Aw I know the feeling. One of my friends got engaged recently and she and her FI have only been dating since this past September and the wedding is in October. SO and I will have been together 4 years this summer and for some reason her engagement didn''t sit right with me. A friend of mine who has also been in a longer relationship and I talked it out and I realized that I didn''t feel like they had "earned it" yet. Which I am 1000% aware is ridiculous, but our minds and hearts do crazy things when someone else has something we too are striving for. I still have a hard getting excited about the wedding but I try to just step back and appreciate my situation and my wonderful SO and just be happy that she is happy, even if I''m a bit jealous and also think her process is rushed. It''s hard but being aware of my jealousy and subconscious thoughts and just owning up to it helps me deal with them better.

 

[getting excited]

Emerald lover is right, this is a very honest feeling. I think it is great a forum like this exists so you can vent without having to vent to your SO. If the ring is here. the last the thing he probably wants to hear is how you are upset he hasn''t proposed yet. Be happy you are in a great relationship and that it is coming soon! And a nice glass of wine wouldn''t hurt either

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I''m sorry. I know how frustrating that can be (DH and I dated for almost 8 years before getting engaged/married). Hope you were able to avoid that LIW meltdown, and huge hugs from me to you!!!

 

[beezygal]

don''t worry, I''m like that too... before my bf was ready to get engaged, I feel upset whenever I hear someone I know is getting engaged. Now that my bf has already ordered the ring, I''m anxious for him to propose when he gets it.

I will SOOOOOOOO have a LIW meltdown if another friend is going to get engaged for the time being. *cross my fingers*

 

[VikingP77]

Oh man I can guess how you feel. J''s soon to be ex-roomie is moving out to be with his girlfriend and they have been dating less time but spend ALL their time together and it looks like marriage soon. I am going to be pretty upset if that happens before me. Just human nature I guess!

 

[RaiKai]

Try not to let it get you down. You really can''t compare your relationship...or your own life...to someone elses. It is not a competition after all!

Some might think my DH and I *lapped* them...we were engaged a year after we met and married a couple months later. However we are both also in our early to mid-30s, with lots of life experiences, had spent years in previous relationships (common law) and when we met we had both done a lot of work on ourselves, were self aware and open, and were in a place we felt ready to be married to the right person. We were fortunate to find that right person in one another! We as individuals...and together...were ready. To others it may have seemed fast and for us it was *right*. We had both been in much longer relationships before where we never were and were "lapped* many times!

I would not change a thing. Every person and every relationship has its own path to take. They just cannot be compared. Your *ready* may be different than anothers...or you may have different ways to determine ready, but, you can only go by what fits for you as a couple and individuals.

I hope you can find a way to be genuinely happy for your friend *and* not compare. Just enjoy as things come...life is exciting when you can enjoy the ride!

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/23/2010 9:00:12 PM
Author:babycush
I know it''s petty and ridiculous. I acted happy for my friend in public. But as soon as I got home, I just started crying. They''ve only been dating for 6 months. I know it''s not possible to compare two different relationships. I know that my ring is complete, in the drawer our the bedroom. I know that he is waiting until he gets promoted. The rational part of my brain is telling me to quit whining, but I just need to have a little fit all alone for a while.


And now there''s a spider on my ceiling. This is NOT a good night!!

Hahahahaha...oh, I''m sorry, but I love the spider part. It would happen on a day when you''re not feeling up to snuff, wouldn''t it?

You know everything you need to - you know you can''t compare relationships, you know you will be engaged soon...so there''s not much I can tell you except that this will pass. You can focus on the happy things now (and be a little selfish if you need to - there''s nothing wrong with that!), and then when you''re more relaxed, the part of you that''s really happy for your friend will come to the forefront.

It''s unfortunately that sometimes we can''t naturally feel the way we want to, but as my BF''s dad always reminds me, you can''t control how you feel. The best thing to do is just let yourself feel how you feel (in private, usually), and then you let it out and can get over it that much more quickly. I find burying things rarely helps me get over them. I just dwell.

So, *hugs*, honey! It''ll get better.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry you''re feeling so down babycush- it will be your turn soon!

 

[merilenda]

I know exactly how you feel, if it makes you feel any better. So many of my friends got engaged last year (2 at Christmas) so I had trouble feigning enthusiasm when I was feeling "lapped." In fact, one of my friends met a guy, got engaged, and got married all within about 6-7 months. That''s a bit too quick for me, but BF and I have been living together since before they even met (and we dated for more than a year before moving in together). And now they''ve been married for almost a year. So do that math, and yeah. Gets discouraging.

But everyone has their own path, and we''ll get there!

 

[cally]

Having been with my bf for 5 years now, I find myself getting lapped left and right.

It''s important to let yourself have those freak outs, so you don''t accidentally slip a bit of crazy out in front of the happy person. That never works out well.

Hang in there!

 

[Laila619]

That always sucks, I'm sorry. It's hard not to compare, even though we know we shouldn't do it!

Hugs!

 

[babycush]

Thanks again for all the support and hugs, ladies!! I got to talk it out with my best friend this morning, and that helped a lot. I know that M and I have a wonderful relationship that I wouldn''t change for the world.

A new development in the friend''s engagement... they have already set the date, and it is a year and a half from now. I sort of guessed they would be getting married this summer since they were in such a rush to get engaged, so this was just a little confusing. Whatever, to each her own!!

 

[babycush]

Oh and I totally squished that spider

 

[4ever]

I never thought it would happen but I found out today I got lapped. Not even by a friend, that I would be so totally fine with (and I''d be stoked for them) but it''s but my ex best friend who decided to randomly end our friendship last year by just no longer replying to any emails, text or calls from me and removing me as a friend on facebook with no explanation- yes, very mature. I still feel angry at her for doing this because it was a very selfish and hurtful way to end a friendship of 6 years.

Anyway, aparently she broke up with her long term boyfriend of 3+ years 4 months ago, got together with this new guy and now they''re engaged. She is absolutly relationship dependant and hasn''t been single for longer then a month since she was 15. I don''t know how someone who can''t even end a friendship like an adult thinks she is mature enough to get married. I don''t think this couple will make it to the aisle.

Anyway, for some reason I felt upset about this today. I''m not sure if it''s a little "it''s not fair" moment or if it''s thinking about how we used to say we''d be each others bridemaids or because I thought I''d get enaged first and she''d find out through the grapevine and feel crap about not atleast being on friendly terms with me or because hearing about what she''s up to stirs up unresolved hurt and angry feelings or if it''s because I think she''s making a mistake or all of the above but it''s really getting me down today.

Rant over

 

[Indylady]

Aww, 4ever, I am so sorry! Your friend sounds hurtful; if I were you, I''d write down my feelings on a piece of paper. Then, I''d tear that piece of paper up and throw it all away. I''ve done this before, and if you take it as a serious exercise, you''ll feel a sense of release. Four months out of a serious relationship is not the best time to get engaged; I do hope the best for them, but I you really shouldn''t feel jealous or lapped by her (I know its easier said than done). She''s going through a roller coaster right now...and while roller coasters are fun, I would not ever want to think of my relationship or my love life as a roller coaster. Take a moment to think about the things you love about your SO and all of the times you''ve had together, and how you''ve been able to share your love for the time that you have, and that one day you''ll be doing it with that gorgeous pear on your finger.

 

[4ever]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:32:11 AM
Author: IndyLady
Aww, 4ever, I am so sorry! Your friend sounds hurtful; if I were you, I'd write down my feelings on a piece of paper. Then, I'd tear that piece of paper up and throw it all away. I've done this before, and if you take it as a serious exercise, you'll feel a sense of release. Four months out of a serious relationship is not the best time to get engaged; I do hope the best for them, but I you really shouldn't feel jealous or lapped by her (I know its easier said than done). She's going through a roller coaster right now...and while roller coasters are fun, I would not ever want to think of my relationship or my love life as a roller coaster. Take a moment to think about the things you love about your SO and all of the times you've had together, and how you've been able to share your love for the time that you have, and that one day you'll be doing it with that gorgeous pear on your finger.

Thanks IndyLady, I really appriciate your reply and support. I will make some time to try your advice about writing it all down and tearing it up. I have tryed other methods like writing her a letter about how I feel (obviously didn't send it) because with no explanation I have found it really hard to let our friendship go- obviously she has show herself not to be the kind of person I would want to have a close friendship with but I still have regular dreams about her apologizing and us ending on good terms. I have never had a close friendship end like this before and I guess I'm finding it difficult to cope with still.

I feel so much more ready to marry BF then I did this time last year, I don't want to get married "soon" anymore, I want to get married right now. I know BF feels the same so I'm finding it very hard that we can't even get enaged right now. And there is all this immigration stuff going on too- worst case is they might stop BF from working an he'll have to take unpaid leave and/or we might have to move to the UK. Things were sposta get easier when I graduated, not harder.

Anyway, on the postive side I was productive and got alot of stuff done at home today including making chocolate mud cake cup cakes with dark chocolate glaze AND dark cocolate icing

, I'm cooking roast chicken for dinner and it's only an hour and a bit till BF is home.

Thanks again IndyLady, sometimes all it takes is to feel like someone is listening

 

[babycush]

Date: 4/26/2010 1:44:48 AM
Author: 4ever

I don''t want to get married ''soon'' anymore, I want to get married right now. I know BF feels the same so I''m finding it very hard that we can''t even get enaged right now.

I feel the same way!! Granted, we don''t have the immigration woes to deal with, but there is a multi-billion dollar corporation with a slow-ass internal promotion policy and other superiors who feel threatened by my man because he has a degree in business management and they don''t want him to take their jobs... yeah.

 

[Loveitroundbrilliant]

Oh honey i know how you feel! My bf and i have been dating for over 4 years, he just turned 23 and i am 22. 3 of his cousins and his brother are getting married this year, we just came back from a shower last night and i was in tears! I feel ya keep holding on! It will all work out eventually!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

((Hugs))

Logic shmogic I know you *shouldn''t* feel slighted but it is what is is. Mini meltdowns are okay...just don''t stay down there!

 

[dawnabee]

Just keep it together and breaatthhhe!! It will happen to you and your BF dont worry and you will make it down the aisle!

It is unfair how your friend ended your friendship and it leaves many many unresolved and hurtful feelings so of course this upsets you. Try to remember a friend is not a friend who can do that to you and you are better off and happier without. I hope by now you are more comfortated and PS is a great way to vent frustrations! Also I like the writing a letter and ripping it up idea.

 

[dawnabee]

Sorry babycrush! I know how you feel I havent been lapped yet but it does seem like everyone around me is getting engaged/married since me and my BF started talkign about it! Having patience is hard but I understand the need to have a fit alone. You came to the right place