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I Have Obeyed Kenny

Jambalaya

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I have obeyed Kenny today. :lol:

He said to me recently that until I stick up for myself I will continue to post threads that are vents. So today I stuck up for myself. I am nothing if not obedient. Man, it felt good. The sticking-up, not the being obedient to Kenny. :D

We are a close-knit tiny little town and everyone gets along, for the most part. We frequently go to each others' houses for dinner, parties, and board games. People range in age from thirties to nineties, with a concentration 45-52.

Everything was fine for ten years until one couple started causing problems. Last year they invited everyone to a New Year's Eve party except my family and I, including all our good friends. I was so upset about a recent bereavement that I didn't notice too much, and we all stayed in, and another family member came round.

At a subsequent brunch that we held, this couple did come but only stayed a short time and made false excuses to leave. They are the only couple that never invites our family back. We always include them. This is a small community and everyone always invites everyone else to things so no one is excluded or hurt, and there are no bad feelings. We know some lonely people, and some that, OK, we're not 100% sold on, but we don't believe in isolating others who are an established part of a social group. We don't have a problem inviting everyone. I can't bear to hurt someone's feelings and leave them sitting home alone while everyone is socializing without them. (Unless someone is completely awful, and no one here is like that.)

So, this year rolls around. We were invited to a posh country club do, and since we didn't have anything else to do, and had a feeling we would be excluded again from the couple's this year, we said yes. It's cost $125 per person, which we didn't really want to spend but knew we would be home alone otherwise. Then we find out that, yes, once again, this couple are having a New Year's Eve party and have invited everyone in the group except us, including all our good friends! I was really upset - and today is the first anniversary of my best friend's death, so it's not the day to mess with me. (We had been friends since the Sixties, imagine.)

I was so mad. I thought, Is it going to be like this every year from now on, that my family and I have to make alternative arrangements or sit home alone because this one couple invites all our friends to a party and leaves us out? We used to hold a New Year's Eve party and invite everyone in the social group, and now this couple are purposely isolating and excluding us each New Year's Eve. So, I called the guy and confronted him. I told him that we could never have a NYE party now because they swipe all the friends and don't invite us, and that we always invite them to ours because we don't like to hurt others' feelings, and we don't exclude others because we are not eleven, etc. He gave me the equivalent of "the dog ate my homework" by saying that he was going to text us and invite us this afternoon (it was already 3pm!) I asked him what his excuse was for last year.

Anyway, there was no way I was going to stand by and let this couple commandeer New Year's Eve and all our friends for the second year without telling them exactly what I thought, because they would only do the same next year, too. I also sent a few choice messages with my thoughts to our best mutual friend and I know it will all get back to them. I have also told everyone else in the group about their behaviour and people are pretty appalled.

The guy was apologetic and when I said that he'd put us in the position of being alone he was like, "There is no way I'm having a NYE party next year." I think it's his wife who is the troublemaker and he is caught in the middle between her and his friendship with my family.

Whether it was a good idea to confront them or not, everyone in the group is totally aware of my feelings and what the couple have done, and it feels really, really good!

Our evening will be expensive but glam, and although we didn't want to spend $125 per person on a party, we will enjoy the lovely food and surroundings and it will be better than sitting in their stupid living room eating pizza. :dance:
 
Q

Queenie60

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Good for you! Way to go - it's best to get your feelings out in the open rather than harbor them. Happy New Year :dance: :appl:
 

AGBF

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I am very glad you are happy, Jambalaya. Happy New Year!

Hugs,
Deb :wavey:
 

VRBeauty

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Good for you! And enjoy that posh party. Who knows - you might just find a New Year's Eve tradition that you like even better than the old neighborhood gatherings!
 

azstonie

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Always go straight to the focal point/the problem. Good going!!!!
 

PintoBean

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You, Jamabalaya, are going to have a kick ass time at your glam fest, and you're gonna make some new awesome friends and start new traditions. Ain't the new year grand? Have a blast and an extra yummy appetizer or drink for me! :wavey:
 

Rockinruby

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Jamba, I'm so proud of you! It seems that many of the lessons learned this past year are inspiring you! (And Kenny too! :dance: ) I think it's great to have taken the initiative to discuss it with the couple. :angryfire: Also, I hope you meet some new people at the event. It sure sounds like you are ringing in the new year with a new you! Way to go! :clap:
 

kenny

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Jambalaya|1451601512|3969082 said:
I have obeyed Kenny today.

Hey!
Not so fast, Lady! :angryfire:
That'll be $245.00.
VISA MC PayPal and AmEx accepted. :bigsmile:


Actually, I've change my mind ... not about my fee ... but about my advice.

I now recommend you become a doormat to any family member who wants to step all over you.

Oh, and that'll be another $245.00.

$490 ... terms, 30-days.
VISA MC PayPal and AmEx accepted.

... this post was silliness.
Serious post to follow after our 14th Anniversary celebration ... which may last into the wee hours of the morn. :oops:
 

Gypsy

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WOW. Good for you! You did exactly right sticking up for yourself.
 

kenny

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Jamba, good for you! :appl:
I'd glad you overcame your hesitancy, stood up for, and asserted yourself!!!

Yes, it does feel good, especially when it is new for us. :wavey:

Of course it's not that we should all turn into Donald Trump and expect to get our way all the time.
It's just that those of us who have been squished down by X, Y or Z should stand up and function.

This brings to mind a wonderful little saying I heard once:
We don't change because we want to.
We change because we have to.
 

monarch64

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Glad you called him out. It is not cool to exclude people for no reason and especially not cool to usurp all the fun for your own purposes. I hope they will rethink their actions and either compromise by hosting a party on a different night than you usually do, or communicate with you and your family so that everyone can be included as in years past. Happy New Year, Jambalaya, it sounds like you've already made great strides towards your goal of becoming more assertive and that is something you should be very proud of.
 

december-fire

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Good for you, Jambalaya! :appl:

You found your voice! :D

Stay the course!

You'll find it gets easier.
And you'll wonder why it took so long to discover the wonderful world of thinking about yourself! :dance:

Big hugs! This is your year! :wavey:

Kenny,
Your words of wisdom are changing lives! :appl:
Bet your hats no longer fit. :lol:
Congrats on your 14th Anniversary. :wavey:
 

kenny

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december-fire|1451681308|3969362 said:
Kenny,
Your words of wisdom are changing lives! :appl:
Bet your hats no longer fit. :lol:
Congrats on your 14th Anniversary. :wavey:

Thanks.

Oh wait ... suddenly feel all this pressure ...

screen_shot_2016-01-01_at_1.png
 

Rockinruby

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kenny|1451682497|3969372 said:
december-fire|1451681308|3969362 said:
Kenny,
Your words of wisdom are changing lives! :appl:
Bet your hats no longer fit. :lol:
Congrats on your 14th Anniversary. :wavey:

Thanks.

Oh wait ... suddenly feel all this pressure ...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
 

momhappy

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This thread got my wondering - what is the etiquette when hosting event and deciding who to invite?
I know that my DH and I are excluded from some events (even some of those within our social circle), but it's ok with us because we realize that maybe they have to draw the line somewhere and we just didn't make the cut. It's not a personal attack - it's just that we might not be quite as close to the host/hostess and some of the others. How do others decided who to invite, or are you supposed to just invite everyone? I have a feeling that I don't follow proper etiquette with this one because when it comes to having people over, I prefer quality over quantity for lots of different reasons (but none of which are to maliciously exclude someone).
As for your circumstances, jambalaya, it sounds like the host and/or hostess was intentionally being malicious and if that was the case, I'm sorry you dealt with that. It's good that you made your own plan and tried to make the best of it.
 

kenny

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momhappy|1451745962|3969627 said:
This thread got my wondering - what is the etiquette when hosting event and deciding who to invite?
I know that my DH and I are excluded from some events (even some of those within our social circle), but it's ok with us because we realize that maybe they have to draw the line somewhere and we just didn't make the cut. It's not a personal attack - it's just that we might not be quite as close to the host/hostess and some of the others. How do others decided who to invite, or are you supposed to just invite everyone? I have a feeling that I don't follow proper etiquette with this one because when it comes to having people over, I prefer quality over quantity for lots of different reasons (but none of which are to maliciously exclude someone).
As for your circumstances, jambalaya, it sounds like the host and/or hostess was intentionally being malicious and if that was the case, I'm sorry you dealt with that. It's good that you made your own plan and tried to make the best of it.

momhappy I'm both glad and mad you brought this up.
There are so many angles to this.

1. Screw proper etiquette. Often 'etiquette' is just a sneaky slimy intolerant way of exerting power over, and squishing down people ... who BTW vary and should be free to vary. It can be a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility and saying, "I don't like or want that." we cop out and hide behind, "That's not proper etiquette. It's like a club or a gang ... be like us or we reject you.

2. Jambalaya is here for feedback and support for trying out new ways of living that may work better for her than what she learned in the past since they don't work for her. Support for her in this, her thread, far outranks introducing doubt and getting squished down by more 'supposed-to' bullsh!t.

3. Frankly, honestly, I did not share some of the reactions/assumptions Jambalaya expressed in her OP, but in this thread it doesn't matter what I, you or Miss. Manners has to say ... Jambalaya's growth is the point of this thread. That's why I did not bring up my opinions and challenge anything she posted. I kept quiet because this thead is about Jambalaya becoming herself, not becoming Kenny or some version of universal correctness. If she becomes a person who does not observe so-called proper etiquette then bless her heart. If she ends up observing so-called proper etiquette even more than before then bless her heart equally.

Please start another thread.
I'd love to discuss what you've brought up, separate from Jambalaya's personal work.
 

Dancing Fire

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momhappy|1451745962|3969627 said:
This thread got my wondering - what is the etiquette when hosting event and deciding who to invite?
I know that my DH and I are excluded from some events (even some of those within our social circle), but it's ok with us because we realize that maybe they have to draw the line somewhere and we just didn't make the cut. It's not a personal attack - it's just that we might not be quite as close to the host/hostess and some of the others. How do others decided who to invite, or are you supposed to just invite everyone? I have a feeling that I don't follow proper etiquette with this one because when it comes to having people over, I prefer quality over quantity for lots of different reasons (but none of which are to maliciously exclude someone).
As for your circumstances, jambalaya, it sounds like the host and/or hostess was intentionally being malicious and if that was the case, I'm sorry you dealt with that. It's good that you made your own plan and tried to make the best of it.
No, You should only invite friends with the best looking jewelry... :wink2:
 

Jambalaya

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There is no doubt that the couple's actions were malicious. This is quite a small group and we are very much part of it. The others in the group are our good friends. We have hosted a lot in the past, including this couple. And......it's New Year's Eve! And, it was the second year in a row that we were excluded while they invited all our other friends, so if not called out they would have done exactly the same for a third year, next year. Their aim seemed to be that my family should be without any of the friends on New Year's Eve! Think about that for a minute. Any other night of the year, it wouldn't matter so much. It would just be another Saturday night during which we may or may not have plans. But this couple have totally taken over New Year's Eve and excluded us, and I was damned if I was going to sit back and take it. And frankly I don't much care what anyone thinks of my actions. They deserved to be thoroughly called out and confronted.

Thank you to everyone for their comments and support in this thread, especially Kenny.
 

Jambalaya

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I forgot to mention the evening. It was perfect. The club was beautiful with the gorgeous decorations and a fire burning, and a great band, and we had salmon, and steak, and champagne. However, the best thing by far was the company. I saw this woman a couple of places down the table and she was wearing Tiffany Olive earrings in amethyst and a Van Cleef Alhambra tiger-eye pendant. I was like, "She is from my people. I must go to her." I noticed that she seemed very warm and pleasant. So anyway, we started talking and it turns out that she is a very impressive doctor, an oncologist who spends half her time treating children who have cancer, and the other half treating breast cancer patients. I'm really interested in medicine - and I once had a very dear doctor friend who has now passed - so we had quite the discussion because she also paints, like me. I saw no ring on her hand and she was at the party alone, so I guessed she was single, maybe too busy being a doctor to date or whatever. (I looked her up online after, and all her patients rave about her kindness and empathy, and she got a Caregiver of the Year award this year.)

But then, it turns out that she also understands all about bereavement because, despite only being in her early forties, her husband died eleven months ago. I was shocked. She was so lovely and how unfair. Anyway, we got on really well and she asked me if I wanted to have dinner. Yay!

Also met another couple of African heritage but he was born and raised in Britain, and I'm not sure where she was born and raised but she was wearing a fabulous outfit from the country her family came from with a wonderful African headdress, and she was so poised and elegant. She said she has two sons at home and needs someone to talk about jewelry with. So I said, "OK, what do you think of Kate's engagement ring?" and that was it, we were off!

It's weird about our group. There have been ructions in the last year, actually, and it's sad. One person is a former professor and he's a little argumentative, although I had a wonderful conversation with him in the fall at a 90th birthday party. But he fell out with another older couple over politics, and that older couple are so lovely. It's such a pity. So a fourth person organized a farewell restaurant lunch for the 90th birthday boy a couple of months ago because Mr. 90 goes down to Florida for the winter. The organizer didn't invite the lovely older couple because the argumentative professor would be there. It's so silly - everybody can co-exist at the same party; they don't have to talk to each other. In my family, there are division and affairs and marital splits, but everybody goes to the funerals and weddings, and the people who don't get along just don't interact. It's not as if they start throwing buns at each other. At the 90th birthday party (not the farewell) all factions were there and it was totally fine.

So the organizer of the farewell lunch was also in the wrong, and everybody told him so. The lovely older couple were really hurt because they are good friends of the 90-year-old. Everyone was having coffee together and then trooped off to lunch, except the lovely older couple, who were left sitting in the coffee place alone. They found out about it when another group member was like, "Hey, it's time to get over to V's farewell lunch." Interestingly, that organizer who excluded the lovely older couple from the farewell lunch is very close to the couple who exclude us for New Year. It shows and it hurts people because this is a small group. And if someone is really obnoxious, it would be more understandable, but nobody is like that. The prof did get a bit heated that one time, but it's not usual.

I wonder how the people who leave others out would like it if the entire group got together for a significant party and excluded only that one person, especially on a night like NYE. I haven't been excluded from a party since I was 15, and when all your good friends are there except you, it does hurt, which surprised me as it's a long time since I was 15.

We've made a joke of it now. My family and the lovely older couple are going out for an Exiles' Lunch on Thursday next week! :lol:

ETA: I forgot to mention the barista who watches all this and says nothing, but sees everything. He has been observing the lunch organizer for years, and a while ago he made one solemn pronouncement. "G. is very selfish." Which surprised me because I've always found him warm and gotten along with him, but others seem to see this in him, and then he excluded people from that lunch, which stopped me in my tracks.

So we have our own Dumbledore in the coffee place! (Wise, silent observer.)
 

momhappy

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kenny|1451759118|3969701 said:
momhappy|1451745962|3969627 said:
This thread got my wondering - what is the etiquette when hosting event and deciding who to invite?
I know that my DH and I are excluded from some events (even some of those within our social circle), but it's ok with us because we realize that maybe they have to draw the line somewhere and we just didn't make the cut. It's not a personal attack - it's just that we might not be quite as close to the host/hostess and some of the others. How do others decided who to invite, or are you supposed to just invite everyone? I have a feeling that I don't follow proper etiquette with this one because when it comes to having people over, I prefer quality over quantity for lots of different reasons (but none of which are to maliciously exclude someone).
As for your circumstances, jambalaya, it sounds like the host and/or hostess was intentionally being malicious and if that was the case, I'm sorry you dealt with that. It's good that you made your own plan and tried to make the best of it.

momhappy I'm both glad and mad you brought this up.
There are so many angles to this.

1. Screw proper etiquette. Often 'etiquette' is just a sneaky slimy intolerant way of exerting power over, and squishing down people ... who BTW vary and should be free to vary. It can be a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility and saying, "I don't like or want that." we cop out and hide behind, "That's not proper etiquette. It's like a club or a gang ... be like us or we reject you.

2. Jambalaya is here for feedback and support for trying out new ways of living that may work better for her than what she learned in the past since they don't work for her. Support for her in this, her thread, far outranks introducing doubt and getting squished down by more 'supposed-to' bullsh!t.

3. Frankly, honestly, I did not share some of the reactions/assumptions Jambalaya expressed in her OP, but in this thread it doesn't matter what I, you or Miss. Manners has to say ... Jambalaya's growth is the point of this thread. That's why I did not bring up my opinions and challenge anything she posted. I kept quiet because this thead is about Jambalaya becoming herself, not becoming Kenny or some version of universal correctness. If she becomes a person who does not observe so-called proper etiquette then bless her heart. If she ends up observing so-called proper etiquette even more than before then bless her heart equally.

Please start another thread.
I'd love to discuss what you've brought up, separate from Jambalaya's personal work.

I guess I wasn't really inquiring about "proper" etiquette (like Miss Manners or any sort of universal etiquette). I was just wondering what others felt was okay (so their own personal etiquette I guess) in terms of guest lists. If it's too much of a thread-jack, that's fine too because it's not that important.
Thanks for the update, jambalaya - I'm glad it sounds like it's working out for you.
 

Jambalaya

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I know what you're saying, Momhappy. I think the questions you pose are more applicable to larger groups where there may be subsets of people. But mine is a small group and so exclusions are very noticeable and deliberate. It's a pity that one couple and one other person have chosen to start excluding others for no reason, when everyone got along so well for so long.

ETA: We do know other people in neighboring towns who we haven't seen as much for a while because it's so much easier to just socialize here, and also we've had a lot to deal with in the last couple of years so haven't been out as much. But now I think we will probably see those people more, as well as follow up with the delightful people we met on NYE. There is also a museum we've been encouraged to join which has a full program of art events that we're interested in - people were talking about it on NYE. Since one or two of our crowd here seem to have gone a little Machiavellian (exclude, divide and conquer) I think we might make efforts to expand our reach a little.
 

kenny

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I think I need to post a bit of an apology to momhappy.

Post away.
Jambalaya does not need my help/protection.

Sorry.
 

momhappy

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No apology necessary, kenny! It's all good :D
 

momhappy

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Jambalaya|1451776679|3969795 said:
I know what you're saying, Momhappy. I think the questions you pose are more applicable to larger groups where there may be subsets of people. But mine is a small group and so exclusions are very noticeable and deliberate. It's a pity that one couple and one other person have chosen to start excluding others for no reason, when everyone got along so well for so long.

ETA: We do know other people in neighboring towns who we haven't seen as much for a while because it's so much easier to just socialize here, and also we've had a lot to deal with in the last couple of years so haven't been out as much. But now I think we will probably see those people more, as well as follow up with the delightful people we met on NYE. There is also a museum we've been encouraged to join which has a full program of art events that we're interested in - people were talking about it on NYE. Since one or two of our crowd here seem to have gone a little Machiavellian (exclude, divide and conquer) I think we might make efforts to expand our reach a little.

We have sort of a smallish social circle, but to be honest, we seem to "click" better with a few couples better than others. I have hosted a couple of small get-togethers where we didn't invite everyone - not because we were being malicious, but because we just wanted to keep it simple. I understand that your situation sounds different, so yes, I agree that in some cases, isolating certain couples might be much more obvious.
 

Jambalaya

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Fully clicked or not, I wouldn't exclude one family from an established social group on New Year's Eve.

Twice.
 

Jambalaya

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kenny|1451778943|3969807 said:
I think I need to post a bit of an apology to momhappy.

Post away.
Jambalaya does not need my help/protection.

Sorry.


But just for a minute, I felt like Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard." :lol:
 

kenny

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Jambalaya|1451783597|3969854 said:
kenny|1451778943|3969807 said:
I think I need to post a bit of an apology to momhappy.

Post away.
Jambalaya does not need my help/protection.

Sorry.


But just for a minute, I felt like Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard." :lol:

:confused:

Is that some TV show?
 

momhappy

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Jambalaya|1451783538|3969853 said:
Fully clicked or not, I wouldn't exclude one family from an established social group on New Year's Eve.

Twice.

Yes, you're right about that.
 

momhappy

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kenny|1451783920|3969859 said:
Jambalaya|1451783597|3969854 said:
kenny|1451778943|3969807 said:
I think I need to post a bit of an apology to momhappy.

Post away.
Jambalaya does not need my help/protection.

Sorry.


But just for a minute, I felt like Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard." :lol:

:confused:

Is that some TV show?

The Bodyguard is a movie (1992, starring Whitney and Kevin Costner).
 

kenny

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Thanks.
It's only been out for 23 years.
Maybe in another 23 years it will show up on Netflix.

I'm not a big fan, or even a small one, of either star but after 50 years it might have gained some interest as a period piece.
 
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