I feel annoyed about giving X gifts

[zhuzhu]

SO this is an in-law related topic again. My issue is feeling obligated to buy gifts for children of BIL and his wife when they do not even show appreciation.

Out of DH''s siblings, his brother is the only one with children. Their tradition for the holiday is that the children receive gifts but adults do not exchange gifts, so fine. We have been buying them really nice and expensive gifts every year when we go visit with them. This year we decided to stay in the west coast and not join them for various reasons including tight finances, but we still purchased them an expensive gift of movie annual subscription. It has been a while since the Christmas, and we have received not a single "thank you" or even "happy holiday" from them. It is as if the gift was a given, and requires no recognition or appreciation.

His BIL and BIL''s wife are such rude people that they never treated us nice or given us gifts on ANY occasion. In fact they never even sent us a congratulation card or phone call when they heard of our private wedding (we eloped).

Their attitude really puts a bitter taste in my mouth, and makes me not want to be nice to their children in the future. I know it sounds horrible, but if the family can not even bother to let us know by simply saying "we received the movie subscription, thank you so much", then why should we dig deep into our pocket when our finance is tight to begin with?

Do any of you feel "obligated" to buy gifts for in law''s family members when you "really don''t want to"? How do you handle it?

Thanks!

 

[justjulia]

My husband''s family is large, with many children. We all started with good intentions, giving gifts to the children, but this faded over time to just Christmas cards to the families. I know you are trying to do the golden rule thing...but really, they won''t miss the gifts after they stop.

It''s not worth the anxiety of the whole mess. Just make a decision to send only cards for occasions from here on. Believe me, no one will hold it against you or think less of you.

 

[steph72276]

That''s a hard one. I''m sorry they have not been considerate to you. They should have at least called to acknowledged the gifts. Maybe next year just do something very inexpensive. I wouldn''t bother with shelling out lots of money on gifts if I didn''t receive a thank you. I would also have your hubby mention to his mother that you guys wondered if they received the gifts because there has been no mention of it. How old are the kids? They probably don''t know any better because they haven''t been taught to write thank yous or call to say thank you, so you can''t really blame them, kwim?

 

[natalina]

I also was wondering how old the kids are. While it''s the parents responsibility to teach their kids good manners, I would hope if the kids were older they would WANT to call and say thank you or send a note. How is your relationship with the kids outside of gift-giving? If not very close, maybe they don''t feel comfortable reaching out? Could you call them and ask if they are enjoying the gift now that they have had some time to order movies? Maybe that will help them to feel comfortable calling you. I also think the idea of mentioning your disappointment to DH''s mom. ''Grandma'' usually has a way of mentioning things to get a point across

.
I certainly don''t blame you for not being so keen on continuing to send gifts. Ultimately, maybe it is just time to taper off and send cards.

 

[janinegirly]

Oh this one hits close to home for me---so could use some advice myself!

I"m still adjusting to DH''s family (married just over a year) and we also have a 3 month old. However we dated for 4 years prior to marriage, and every Xmas, I made sure to buy gifts for SIL''s children (the only children on his side of the family). I also would buy something small for his parents. Usually I got nothing in return, or sporadically we''d receive something small. DH also has a brother (no kids) and he is also sporadic with his gifts to the kids. But I did it consistently--becuase it seemed right and kids are fun to buy for anyway.

Well now I have my own little one and guess what. NO ONE bought her an xmas gift from his side for her first Xmas! His mother eventually gave the baby some money after the fact (after Xmas), but nothing from the SIL (the one with the kids) or his brother. On top of that, they gave nothing for when she was born either (no card, no flowers, no gifts, no hospital visit)! I was really insulted and upset for my little girl (even though she could care less right now!

). DH didn''t react well to me bringing up the topic (I guess he thought I was attacking his family and had a million excuses). I should also point out that despite all the stuff we have going on (baby, new house, me returning to work) we still got SIL''s kids gifts this year. We were thanked but nothing reciprocated. Thankfully my family is the opposite (too many gifts for the baby at every occassion)--and actually even friends I barely know have been so generous. However this makes the IL''s thoughtlessness stand out even more. It is undoubtedly creating tensions too--we have a Christening coming up and I do not want to host a party in which I will be wiped out, and his family will show up empty handed and make us all upset again.

Sorry for the threadjack, but I kind of see what you''re saying. I guess I don''t have advice since I don''t really know what to do with my own situation. My own family (parents) are telling me to do the "right thing" and keep buying their kids gifts and be gracious. But I sure as heck don''t feel like it.

 

[777_LDY]

Ugh, zhuzhu! That would definitely leave a bad taste for me too. They should definitely have acknowledged it. What I would do is give them a call and asked if the gift was okay.

Tell them you were just wondering because you haven''t heard from them.

Hopefully they will get the point. Next time don''t spend so much$$, or just send a card if you won''t be seeing them.

I am fed up with gift giving myself. One year I spend $68. on one of my nieces. Well, SIL goes to return it and it happened to go on sale. She was furious that I didn''t spend enough on her children and told my DH. Thank God I had the receipt. She now has 5 children so it can be pretty expensive. I limited myself to spending $30 on each of her children this year, so when she told me her son wanted a video game I thought *perfect!* I don''t have to get anything else. Well, after the children opened their gifts she went to go and *check* them. She asked me what I got her son and I told her the video game, she said she knew that but she wanted to know what else!

I just sort of looked at her in shock!

We only have 3 children, and trust me, the gift giving has never been equal, otherwise I wouldn''t have any problems giving more... I love giving gifts, but only to people who will appreciate it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I guess I could answer this question...and let me preface it with say that some people just dont send thank you notes for holiday gifts, and I know plenty of people like that...

So...

My SIL (thru marriage) had two children prior to marrying my husband''s brother. The girl is my age exactly, 25...and the boy is 21 almost 22. Yet, like they were truly little children, we are required to purchase birthday gifts and christmas gifts for them. We are sent lists specifying what they want, then we are left to purchase gifts for these adults. Of course, these gestures are never appreciated by way of a thank you note...phone call...e-mail...nada.

This year, it was much of the same...I sent a lovely handmade popcorn bowl to my "niece" and her live in boyfriend, and a giftcard to B&N for my "nephew"...of course nothing was said or even acknowledged.

I guess with all the other "stuff" I worry about when it comes to my in''s, weither or not I''m thanked for a gift has become so low on my totem pole of importance. Sure, a note of gratitude would be warmly welcomed and appreciated...but some people weren''t raised to believe in the importance or power of "thank you". Ergo, I have stopped expecting anything other than silence from them...and slowly, bit by bit, I''m beginning to taper my generosity off...

Zhuzhu, I would remember that their lack of class or gratitude is a reflection of them. Continuing to always do the right thing, and being an example of class will only cause your candle to burn brighter. Remember, these are children...don''t punish them or spite them simply because their parents haven''t established core values properly. You could always casually bring it up...making sure they know that you noticed the absence of a thank you note...directly saying something along the lines of "So, we never heard, did So&So enjoy the subscription??" lets them know full well that you were totally aware they never even took the time to comment. You can cut people down in subtle ways that gets your point across without being flat out confrontational.

Anyways, big hugs...people can be jerks sometimes.

 

[fieryred33143]

How old are the children?

The actions of the parents should be kept separate from the children unless they are old enough to pick up a phone and say thank you. If they aren''t, then it isn''t their fault that the parents are insensitive.

As for the obligation, my mom felt that way about my dad''s sister''s children. We have a large number of family members in NY so we lucked out with them (we''re in FL). But my aunt does live in FL. She has three girls and those three girls each have three children. That''s 12 gifts. And the ''problem'' is that these kids do not expect a packet of hot wheels or a barbie doll. They want PS2 games, expensive clothes, jewelry. They never said thank you. Not just my cousins who should instill those traits in their children...but the kids are old enough to know that you say thank you when someone gives you something. There were even times when they would complain because they didn''t like the gift. So my mom stopped giving them gifts. For the first two years, it left them feeling upset. But now they are used to it and my mom does not intend to give them gifts at all ever again. I don''t blame her. I actually don''t give them gifts either. I give to my Godson and that is it.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 1/14/2009 4:54:49 AM
Author:zhuzhu
SO this is an in-law related topic again. My issue is feeling obligated to buy gifts for children of BIL and his wife when they do not even show appreciation.

Out of DH''s siblings, his brother is the only one with children. Their tradition for the holiday is that the children receive gifts but adults do not exchange gifts, so fine. We have been buying them really nice and expensive gifts every year when we go visit with them. This year we decided to stay in the west coast and not join them for various reasons including tight finances, but we still purchased them an expensive gift of movie annual subscription. It has been a while since the Christmas, and we have received not a single ''thank you'' or even ''happy holiday'' from them. It is as if the gift was a given, and requires no recognition or appreciation.

His BIL and BIL''s wife are such rude people that they never treated us nice or given us gifts on ANY occasion. In fact they never even sent us a congratulation card or phone call when they heard of our private wedding (we eloped).

Their attitude really puts a bitter taste in my mouth, and makes me not want to be nice to their children in the future. I know it sounds horrible, but if the family can not even bother to let us know by simply saying ''we received the movie subscription, thank you so much'', then why should we dig deep into our pocket when our finance is tight to begin with?

Do any of you feel ''obligated'' to buy gifts for in law''s family members when you ''really don''t want to''? How do you handle it?

Thanks!

Aw, Zhuzhu, I''m so sorry to hear you''re going through this.

If hearing others'' experiences helps, I do buy gifts for the kids of the extended family, but by keeping it at a price point that feels reasonable and distinguishing the differences in status among minor children and those over 18, I don''t feel put-upon. I don''t condition gifts on thank you notes from young children (Heck, I''m an adult and I still have Christmas-related notes to get out myself!), but I *will* acknowledge that I find it a lot easier to splurge on particularly nice gifts for a kid who has shown excited appreciation and taken the time to give written thanks in the past. It''s not a calculation... it''s just human nature.

Since you mentioned tight circumstances these days, do you think you might feel better if you spent an amount that you feel is reasonable for you?

f-d-l

 

[puffy]

i SO know what you are going through. only thing is with my it''s not the children, it''s the ILS!!
every year for all occasions, christmas, birthdays, mothers day, father day, we are OBLIGATED to get gifts for the ILS cause well if we don''t they flip out. so we do and every year i get more and more upset about it since i am usually the one who shops for gifts. starting last year, we had a son, so DH thought we should spend a bit more on them. ok i was fine with that. until it occurs to me, they have no appreciation for it, and to them, they just expect it now. it''s not a surprise or anything, and if they don''t like the gift, they make it known. how i was brought up and how my family is completely different than them. they think that they are the number one priority and that we should spend thousands of dollars on them each year in order for them to appreciate it. last year, we go them a 1 week trip to hawaii, all expenses paid for already, and they didn''t even go! they simply said, "we forgot!"
all i am saying is that some people are just like that. they expect things because they are used to getting things. keep in mind that they are at one end of the extreme. while i don''t think that other people could possibly be like them, i''m just saying that these kind of people do exist, that''s all.
needless to say, they are not getting gifts this year, just cards!

 

[zhuzhu]

The children are 14, 13, and 10.

I do not know them well enough to just call the kids to chat (their mother is the phone police and she is such a mean person). I just feel frustrated because when I mention to DH the possibility that a card should be good enough as we are not going to be there in person this year, he replied "if we don''t get the kids gifts my mother and sister will kill me".

Talking about pressure.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

WHY are you buying the kids expensive gifts? Just because you feel "obligated" to purchase presents, doesn''t mean they have to be over-the-top pricey items! Give each kid a $10 gift card for a age-appropriate store and leave it at that.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/14/2009 9:57:26 AM
Author: janinegirly
Oh this one hits close to home for me---so could use some advice myself!


I'm still adjusting to DH's family (married just over a year) and we also have a 3 month old. However we dated for 4 years prior to marriage, and every Xmas, I made sure to buy gifts for SIL's children (the only children on his side of the family). I also would buy something small for his parents. Usually I got nothing in return, or sporadically we'd receive something small. DH also has a brother (no kids) and he is also sporadic with his gifts to the kids. But I did it consistently--becuase it seemed right and kids are fun to buy for anyway.


Well now I have my own little one and guess what. NO ONE bought her an xmas gift from his side for her first Xmas! His mother eventually gave the baby some money after the fact (after Xmas), but nothing from the SIL (the one with the kids) or his brother. On top of that, they gave nothing for when she was born either (no card, no flowers, no gifts, no hospital visit)! I was really insulted and upset for my little girl (even though she could care less right now!

). DH didn't react well to me bringing up the topic (I guess he thought I was attacking his family and had a million excuses). I should also point out that despite all the stuff we have going on (baby, new house, me returning to work) we still got SIL's kids gifts this year. We were thanked but nothing reciprocated. Thankfully my family is the opposite (too many gifts for the baby at every occassion)--and actually even friends I barely know have been so generous. However this makes the IL's thoughtlessness stand out even more. It is undoubtedly creating tensions too--we have a Christening coming up and I do not want to host a party in which I will be wiped out, and his family will show up empty handed and make us all upset again.


Sorry for the threadjack, but I kind of see what you're saying. I guess I don't have advice since I don't really know what to do with my own situation. My own family (parents) are telling me to do the 'right thing' and keep buying their kids gifts and be gracious. But I sure as heck don't feel like it.

Just another side of things...some families just aren't big gift givers. I think if you want to give gifts you should because you *WANT* to, not because you expect things in return. It seems like your problem with his family seems to be the lack of reciprocity, so just don't give them gifts if you don't want to. I promise it's ok, especially in a family that doesn't seem too big on the gifts if I am understanding it correctly.

At least you were thanked for the gifts you got the kids even if no one bought your little girl anything.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think in general I agree with Neatfreak - giving gifts, especially expensive ones, out of a sense of obligation is just not right in my book. Even though I don''t get always along with my MIL and she often says things behind my back about me, I still feel good getting her a gift I know she''ll enjoy for X-Mas or Mother''s Day.

I don''t get gifts for others in my family because I don''t feel that way.

Especially if finances are tight, I''d just cut back - kids at that age should be learning about what''s beyond material things anyway. Perhaps a small donation to charity in each of their names next year?

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/14/2009 1:39:09 PM
Author: puffy
last year, we go them a 1 week trip to hawaii, all expenses paid for already, and they didn''t even go! they simply said, ''we forgot!''

OMG, can I be your MIL in the next life??

Seriously, I can not believe they will "forget" a trip to Hawaii. Did you even get your money back? If someone did that to me I would be so pissed.....

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 1/14/2009 4:20:00 PM
Author: zhuzhu

Date: 1/14/2009 1:39:09 PM
Author: puffy
last year, we go them a 1 week trip to hawaii, all expenses paid for already, and they didn't even go! they simply said, 'we forgot!'

OMG, can I be your MIL in the next life??

Seriously, I can not believe they will 'forget' a trip to Hawaii. Did you even get your money back? If someone did that to me I would be so pissed.....

Lol, I was thinking the same thing!!

How rude that they didn't go and weren't appreciative!

 

[puffy]

yeah, they are rude people. and them "forgetting" is just a way of saying that they didn''t like the gift. and nope, didn''t get money back. they couldn''t have forgotten because we reminded them of it every week and they kept saying, yes we know. then the day they were supposed to be at the airport, we bump into them and they casually said they forgot. whatever.
we have tried to not get them anything only for them to get mad about it. so we thought well, we''ll just get cards or something starting now.
to give a gift because you feel or are obligated to do it is not fun. and to expect a gift says a lot about the person you are, IMO.

 

[iheartscience]

Okay zhuzhu, I can totally relate!

My brother has 3 kids, and my twin sister and I AND my fiance each buy his 3 kids presents for every birthday and Christmas. Yet he either gives us nothing for our birthdays or "takes us out to lunch" which means a sandwich at a local deli. And it''s always just when he''s coming through town, and usually is more inconvenient than anything else.

So for Christmas this year, after giving all 3 of his kids presents, they give me and my sister each...TWO CANDYCANES AND A CHOCOLATE BAR. I''m not talking a nice chocolate bar, either. And they gave my fiance an almost definitely regifted tin of crappy cookies that tasted like cardboard.

I was, and still am, FURIOUS about it. Because what am I going to do? Not give his kids presents? I can''t punish the kids because my brother is a cheap a-hole. And to top it off, he gave my older sister a really nice book. And then had the audacity to show it to me because it was so cool. And I got TWO CANDYCANES AND A CHOCOLATE BAR. Yeah, I did a lot of tongue biting. Now I''m all riled up!

 

[alli_esq]

I can so relate.

My family is VERY into gifts, and FI''s family is not. At all. Granted, my family has more money than they do, and I understand it''s difficult to be generous when you don''t have, but FI''s family just doesn''t save for any occasion, or in my mind, make holidays or any occasions particularly special (there obviously are many ways to do that without spending a LOT of money!)...

In the past, we have exchanged gifts with FI''s aunt and uncle, FI''s sister and husband and FI''s parents (we all just get gifts for FI''s grandmother without expecting anything in return). Last year, it was decided to instead to a "secret santa" (though it wasn''t a secret) between FI and me, FI''s aunt and uncle, and FSIL and her husband. This year, FI''s aunt and uncle dropped out, saying they didn''t want to exchange gifts at all, and in their place, FMIL and FFIL were in the mix.

Well, FMIL and FFIL were buying for FSIL and FBIL. We were buying for FMIL and FFIL. FMIL and FFIL gave FI a whole lecture about how they wanted NOTHING (I mean NOTHING) but a gift certificate. And not a gift certificate for a particular store, but a gift certificate for CASH (i.e. a bank card/an AmEx card).

I thought that was lousy. Basically, they''re saying, "give us cash so that we can buy FSIL and FBIL gifts without having to spend the money." It''s like, passing on cash! So ridiculous. FI and I have decided not to exchange with them anymore--in the future, we will expect nothing from them, and we will buy them small tokens (though FI doesn''t want to get them anything anymore).

I have some resentment toward FMIL and FFIL too, because they never saved a dime for FI. They''ve never paid for ANYthing for him, especially not since they kicked him out of the house at 18 years-old. They never paid for a single book for him for college, and they certainly never saved a dime to contribute to our wedding or rehearsal dinner. I am sure I sound like a brat here, but FI is going to be 32 years-old. You''d think they would have saved something for him for his wedding.

Or maybe not. I could just be a jerk.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/15/2009 5:54:35 PM
Author: alli_esq

I have some resentment toward FMIL and FFIL too, because they never saved a dime for FI. They've never paid for ANYthing for him, especially not since they kicked him out of the house at 18 years-old. They never paid for a single book for him for college, and they certainly never saved a dime to contribute to our wedding or rehearsal dinner. I am sure I sound like a brat here, but FI is going to be 32 years-old. You'd think they would have saved something for him for his wedding.


Or maybe not. I could just be a jerk.

No I do not think you are a jerk for feeling the resentment. I feel that way too as my family raised my sibling and I very different from his. His family don't save or give any gifts/money to DH since the age of 17. DH had to work to pay his tuition and everything else, while my parents believe in supporting our education and also were VERY generous with our wedding gift. His parents will take annual Hawaii vacations for themselves and then complaint about not having enough $, and never offered to help DH when he actually needs help (like moving and packing), but constant give "advice" on how he should do this and that. My parents on the other hand, respect our decisions and always help even when it is not asked of them.

I do not expect DH's parents to be like mine, but come on, if you have nothing to contribute, don't tell us what to do or how to live either. It is totally uncalled for for them to demand DH and I to give the children gifts. They certainly have a way to guilt DH into doing things, and I hate that.

 

[teapot]

I think your ILs lack class. The need to thank you for your gift either verbally or in a note. i would not blame the kids, I blame the parents. I would not spend as much money on them. My DH''s family exchanges gifts on CEve and and used to go through a lot of trouble and we spend a lot of money trying to get them something nice and they would get us something stupid like a pair of socks (yes one pair) or I would get a saucer and he would get the cup. I know, how bad is that?

I still get them something nice, I just don''t spend as much money on them.

If your DH feels like he needs to get them something because his mom and sister will kill him, get them something that is nice, but not expensive. Honestly a $10 gift card to an age appropriate retailer is fine, especially since you don''t really have a relationship with these kids.

 

[alli_esq]

zhu zhu, that is so difficult. I would be furious if FMIL or FFIL told us what we "had" to do. (at least they keep butted out, though I think it''s mostly because they don''t particularly care about us--not because they''re trying to spare us)

I hope you are able to find some peace with this--it stinks to have in-law problems

 

[Haven]

In my family, you are "cut-off" from gifts if you don''t send a proper thank you letter.

I find myself in a similarly difficult situation with my DH''s family, because his niece and nephew are being raised with very poor manners all around. We have not yet stopped giving gifts, but I''m close do doing so.

I agree with the other posters that you do not need to give these people gifts at all, and if you feel obligated to do so, they definitely don''t need to be expensive.

 

[janinegirly]

Haven, I like that rule! SIL''s kids are very sporadic in thank you''s. At 8 and 10, I think it''s a critical time to teach them, but of course that''s not for me to say. Sometimes we''ll get a thank you not, but most times not. The worst is when they open the gifts, toss it aside and run and do something else without a word.

I think many of these problems stem from differences in family styles. If you come from a family that''s strict about behavior, doing the right thing, being respectful--and then marry someone whose family is not as structured and doesn''t care about that stuff, then there will be clashes. That''s what I''m experiencing now. DH''s family were also hands off with him growing up and did not help him out at all with college--so he was really on his own. He''s super self sufficient as a result, but in my family it''s so opposite where education comes first and the family does whatever it takes to help out. But on the other hand my parents were very involved (and still are) in "guiding" me on how to behave graciously, politely,etc.

On the topic of expectation of gifts in return--I hate to be that way, but it is hard to ignore when it comes to kids (my own now) and not take it personally. If I give your kids gifts and you ignore mine repeatedly, I mean, come on! Just like with a wedding, if someone comes without a gift--do you get annoyed or say weddings aren''t about gifts? I agree about taking the high road, but also don''t lilke being taken advantage of and sometimes it''s just plain human nature to have a reaction!

 

[Steel]

zhuzhu,

I completely understand why you feel as you do. This is another reason why I love this forum. Before I came here I felt like the only person in the world who reacted in a minority way* to situation like this and it made me feel even worse.

It was very generous of you both to buy them the movie sub. gift. If it were me I would evaluate my finances and if I could afford to not notice the cost of these gifts in my finances I would continue - but if they are impacting your budget then that adds final insult to injury.

If the latter is the case I would def. do the charity gifts. Let somebody benefit from your generosity - somebody or organisation that really needs it. (If DH worries about that you could also send a gift but keep it under $5.)

Thanks for posting this topic; it is great to see other POV''s.

*Well, I was made to feel like the odd one out.