I don''t want to change my last name, but he wants me too.

[kama_s]

I didn''t read all the posts on this thread, but I HAVE to point out that living in the 21st century does not mean women shouldn''t drop their maiden name or refuse to be homemakers....it means that we have the right to choose for ourselves the type of life we''d like to live.

So if someone wants to take on their husband''s name and raise his babies, then that is the decision of the 21st century woman. And no one has the right to judge them based on that.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 1/30/2009 12:52:13 AM
Author: kama_s
I didn''t read all the posts on this thread, but I HAVE to point out that living in the 21st century does not mean women shouldn''t drop their maiden name or refuse to be homemakers....it means that we have the right to choose for ourselves the type of life we''d like to live.


So if someone wants to take on their husband''s name and raise his babies, then that is the decision of the 21st century woman. And no one has the right to judge them based on that.

to you and all the others sticking up here for our choices (and of course even those who choose to stay at home). My Mom was a SAHM and I am forever thankful for her sacrifices and I don''t think she deserves any disrespect because of that...that''s just intolerant and silly. I am very close to my Mom still today and I feel that her involvement in my childhood helped shape the person I am today. A woman wants to work 80 hours a week and have a nanny? That''s her and her husband''s choice, why not? Stay at home Dad? Sure, why not? Stay at home Mom, sure why not? Anything goes..do what''s best for you and your husband. What do I plan on doing? Well I''m taking FI''s last name and moving my name to the middle name. Being from the south that is what I grew up around, what I''m used to, and what I like.

To the OP: you''re getting married and entering into a partnership - you and your FI need to resolve this issue in a way that you both feel comfortable with and both feel that does not infringe upon your personal choices and freedoms. If you don''t feel comfortable with changing your name, he needs to be a bit more understanding...but it''s also important for you to communicate with him and to understand why he wants you to do so. Just my thoughts, take them or leave them as you see fit.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 1/29/2009 4:22:04 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/29/2009 3:49:05 PM

Author: CellarDoor

Well, my facebook name will be Kate Smith Ackerman then, and I will introduce myself the same way, even though it is very rare that I ever even say my full name now. It will be like Hillary Rodham Clinton.


Maybe I should just delete my facebook - it is making me find out things about friends and acquaintances that make me judge them... Everytime I see a friend or relative join a group like ''We Thank George Bush for his Service'', or ''Abortion is murder'' or become a ''fan'' of Sarah Palin I cringe a little bit.

Hahaha! Don''t delete your Facebook-just delete those friends! That''s what I do!

And for what it''s worth, I''m another one of them man-hating feminists who will be keeping my last name. And yeah, sometimes I do judge a little bit when a woman doesn''t keep her own last name. Why? Well, I guess I just see it as such an acceptance of patriarchy that I can''t keep myself from objecting, even if it''s just in my own head.


Plus it really irritates me that so many people just assume that the woman will take the husband''s last name. For example, my twin sister told me her boyfriend was surprised that I wasn''t taking my fiance''s last name. Say what? To me it should be obvious to anyone who knows me a little that I would never take his name! And if I ever have kids they''ll have a hyphenated last name, and I''ll make sure that the whole long name is used so that his or my name doesn''t get dropped.


Yes, feminism is about choice, but too often these ''choices'' don''t really exist. How many times have women here (even just in this thread) said that their future husband is INSISTING they take his last name? So where''s the choice in that? You can either not get married or you can take his last name. I personally wouldn''t get married, but I think 98% of women just cave and take his last name.


To me it''s like Charlotte in SATC, when she stops working, telling Miranda ''I CHOOSE MY CHOICE! I CHOOSE MY CHOICE!'' Well, you sort of chose your choice...but mostly your choice chose you.

Ditto every last word!! (Except we didn''t hyphenate our baby''s last name, we just picked the one that sounded most pleasing with her first name.)My screen name is a little joke btw. Only time / place I ever call myself Mrs Mitchell. I would NEVER do that irl.

Jen

 

[AdiS]

To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.

BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:43 AM
Author: AdiS
To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.

BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 1/30/2009 9:09:14 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:43 AM
Author: AdiS
To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.

BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

I agree!! So well said, AdiS!!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:03:08 PM
Author: rainwood
Holy moly, has this thread fired up some discussion! I''m going to stay out of some of the specific debates and just relate my personal experience. I got married a little over 30 years ago when women had the same choices as they do today, but the vast majority of women then still took their husband''s last name at marriage. I didn''t want to do that for a lot of reasons, only some of which I could have even articulated at that time. My then fiance felt strongly that I should take his name which surprised me because he wasn''t a traditional thinker in any other way. I thought long and hard and ultimately compromised and hyphenated my last name, a fairly unusual step back in 1978. Both our names were only one syllable so it wasn''t unwieldy. My husband did not hyphenate his last name.

In the beginning, the hyphenated name was kind of a pain, especially the 5 or 6 years the IRS kept bouncing our tax return because my name and my social security number didn''t match because the SSA didn''t know what to do with hyphenated names. And I used to get some funny looks and comments, mostly from women. By the time the mid-80''s rolled around, it was no big deal. Times change, it wasn''t so strange. One of the differences between hyphenated names and using your birth name as a middle name is that with the hyphenated, you actually use the full name. That''s how I introduce myself, that''s how it''s filed alphabetically (birth name is first so is filed under the beginning letter of that name). It occasionally gets misfiled under the wrong letter, some credit cards don''t put in the hyphen and airline tickets just mush the two names together so it looks really strange, but mostly it''s a non-issue. One of the benefits of a hyphenated name is when someone on the phone asks for Mrs. Husband''s Last Name, I know it''s a solicitor and I can just tell them I''m not home! And it''s weird how many people don''t know what a hyphen is. When I''ve spelled out my name and said ''hyphen'' I''ve seen people use commas, apostrophes, and even a semi-colon once!

At this point, I would have a really hard time introducing myself with just my birth name. It would sound weird. How do I feel about the compromise I made that my husband didn''t? Mostly I joke that we should have changed our name to something with some clout like Boeing or Nordstrom or Rockefeller. Occasionally, I still give him crap about not hyphenating but I''m okay with it. And in our case, wanting me to take his name was not a sign that he would be equally traditional in his other beliefs. He does most of the laundry and cleaning, has always supported me in my career, and been happy that I''ve out-earned him some of those years.

People should just do what works best for them.

Thank you, Rainwood! Your sharing your experience is really helpful to those of us considering the hyphen. Well, at least it was to me!

 

[all.of.the.above]

I too have been following this thread and quite honestly, it's getting SERIOUSLY ridiculious!

Date: 1/29/2009 3:40:45 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I wouldn't know if they changed their middle name or not. It is just when they change their name immediately on their facebook to First Hislast it makes me think that they are totally dropping their last name. I could be wrong.

Why do you care? Do you really think that you juding other peoples choices will effect them that greatly? It's FACEBOOK! REALLY?!?! Are we 15? It's none of your business what others do with their names - it's not yours so butt out.

CellarDoor, I believe your (offensive to others) opinions should be kept to yourself. If you have nothing nice to say - shut up. It's women like you that go around juding others that give women a bad name. Spewing ignorance is not an attractive asset, and offending all of the lovely people here on PS isn't chill. Child rearing does not mean solitary confinement and loosing out on life. It is quite obvious that you have no children or you wouldn't be so quick to pull the trigger and say mothers quit their full time jobs. Maybe as in going into the work force, but being a mom is the SINGLE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD!!! Many moms do full time kids and work - me, I do full time mom, work and SCHOOL. So ha!

ETA: I went to high school with a Kate Smith. Her dad was John Smith.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/30/2009 9:59:51 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Date: 1/30/2009 9:09:14 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:43 AM
Author: AdiS
To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.

BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

I agree!! So well said, AdiS!!

Why, thank you girls!

 

[elrohwen]

Ok, question for all of those who want to hyphenate! I love the idea of joining both names into one new name, but my only issue with hyphenation (for me personally) is what would I expect my kids to do when they got married (assuming we gave them the hyphenated name). My maiden name is short and one syllable, but FI''s is long, so the hyphenated name would be pretty long altogether. If I have a daughter and she gets married, would I expect her to add her new husband''s name on as another hyphenated name? Just hyphenate with her dad''s name and husband''s name (in which case my maiden name would get dropped anyway, and she would lose half of what was her maiden name)? Or just take her husband''s name?

I''m as much of a feminist as anybody, but my practical side takes over and makes me want to just take his name for the sake of simplicity. That''s really my biggest personal reason for taking his name. I could keep my maiden name as my middle, but since I never ever use my middle name, I don''t know if it would be worth the trouble. I''m still considering this option though as it seems like the most practical way to hold on to my heritage.

So, the question is, what do kids with hyphenated names usually do when they marry? I can''t say I know anybody who has a hyphenated name that they got by birth (only people who hyphenated because of marriage) so I have no experience with this.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/30/2009 11:34:03 AM
Author: elrohwen

So, the question is, what do kids with hyphenated names usually do when they marry? I can''t say I know anybody who has a hyphenated name that they got by birth (only people who hyphenated because of marriage) so I have no experience with this.

That''s interesting! We have a lady at work that hypens and her children have hyphenated names as well. I have no idea what they would do once they get married.

I want to hyphen but I wouldn''t hyphen my child''s name. My new last name would be 8 letters - 5 letters. That''s a lot for a kid to write down.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/30/2009 9:09:14 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:43 AM

Author: AdiS

To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.


BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

Totally agree.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/30/2009 11:34:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
Ok, question for all of those who want to hyphenate! I love the idea of joining both names into one new name, but my only issue with hyphenation (for me personally) is what would I expect my kids to do when they got married (assuming we gave them the hyphenated name). My maiden name is short and one syllable, but FI''s is long, so the hyphenated name would be pretty long altogether. If I have a daughter and she gets married, would I expect her to add her new husband''s name on as another hyphenated name? Just hyphenate with her dad''s name and husband''s name (in which case my maiden name would get dropped anyway, and she would lose half of what was her maiden name)? Or just take her husband''s name?

I''m as much of a feminist as anybody, but my practical side takes over and makes me want to just take his name for the sake of simplicity. That''s really my biggest personal reason for taking his name. I could keep my maiden name as my middle, but since I never ever use my middle name, I don''t know if it would be worth the trouble. I''m still considering this option though as it seems like the most practical way to hold on to my heritage.

So, the question is, what do kids with hyphenated names usually do when they marry? I can''t say I know anybody who has a hyphenated name that they got by birth (only people who hyphenated because of marriage) so I have no experience with this.

I''m leaning towards hyphenating but plan to give my kinds FH''s last name and my maiden name as their middle name. Just because you hyphenate, doesn''t mean the kids must also have hyphenated names.

But if you do decide to hyphenate the kids'' names, I''ve seen it go two ways: (1) One friend of mine just kept her hyphenated name when she married; and (2) One friend just took her husband''s last name and was glad to get rid of the hyphen. I''ve never seen anyone add a third name into the mix. That would get a little crazy IMO.

In any case, you''d just be letting your daughter make up her own mind when she decides to get married, like you made up your mind...

 

[lala2332]

I"ve been reading this thread since the beginning and it def. gave me something to think about.

I"m about to get my law degree, so it will be in my maiden name. BUT FI and I will be married within 6 months of strating work, so I think it will be an easy transition to married name.

I don''t have a super common first or last name, but there are just enough out there to make email addresses VERY difficult.

THe kicker for me is that I don''t speak to my biological mom or dad. So while I love the history of my names (the far back tradition...my great-grandmother went to Europe and made a book on our family history), my last name actually means nothing to me and I really don''t like being associated with my dad or mom.

THerefore, I fully intend to take FI''s last name and drop my maiden name. I love my first and last together...it sounds beutiful, and my maiden name is clunky sounding to me. FI''s last name is super unique...only a few in the whole country.

I guess if we ever got a divorce I would take my step-parent''s last name...they are the people that I consider my family and my younger half-sister has their last name. I had considered doing this before law school started, but just wasn''t ready then. I usually just introduce myself as Lala b/c everyone assumes I''m their daughter anyway and it gets confusing already, so I rarely use a last name anyway.

Taking FI''s last name will cut down on that confusion, plus I love the idea of us being a unit with our kids. Having grown-up in a hugely modern family....half brothers and sisters on bothe sides plus step siblings and and both biological partents being married multiple times...I''m ready for traditional.

I''m clearly not a backwards thinker, as I''m about to get my law degree, and I would hate for people to judge my decision as being anti-feminist. But seeing my background its what works for me! AND THAT IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/30/2009 12:06:20 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/30/2009 11:34:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
Ok, question for all of those who want to hyphenate! I love the idea of joining both names into one new name, but my only issue with hyphenation (for me personally) is what would I expect my kids to do when they got married (assuming we gave them the hyphenated name). My maiden name is short and one syllable, but FI's is long, so the hyphenated name would be pretty long altogether. If I have a daughter and she gets married, would I expect her to add her new husband's name on as another hyphenated name? Just hyphenate with her dad's name and husband's name (in which case my maiden name would get dropped anyway, and she would lose half of what was her maiden name)? Or just take her husband's name?

I'm as much of a feminist as anybody, but my practical side takes over and makes me want to just take his name for the sake of simplicity. That's really my biggest personal reason for taking his name. I could keep my maiden name as my middle, but since I never ever use my middle name, I don't know if it would be worth the trouble. I'm still considering this option though as it seems like the most practical way to hold on to my heritage.

So, the question is, what do kids with hyphenated names usually do when they marry? I can't say I know anybody who has a hyphenated name that they got by birth (only people who hyphenated because of marriage) so I have no experience with this.

I'm leaning towards hyphenating but plan to give my kinds FH's last name and my maiden name as their middle name. Just because you hyphenate, doesn't mean the kids must also have hyphenated names.

But if you do decide to hyphenate the kids' names, I've seen it go two ways: (1) One friend of mine just kept her hyphenated name when she married; and (2) One friend just took her husband's last name and was glad to get rid of the hyphen. I've never seen anyone add a third name into the mix. That would get a little crazy IMO.

In any case, you'd just be letting your daughter make up her own mind when she decides to get married, like you made up your mind...

Lucyandroger, I didn't mean to imply that I would force a hypothetical daughter to do anything with her last name. I was just curious if anyone else had experience with this because it's something that interests me. I also know that most people don't pass the hyphenated name onto their kids (which is why I don't know anybody with a hyphenated name by birth), but I was specifically asking about the case where someone does want to pass on the hyphenated name.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:17:56 PM
Author: musey
I don''t personally know a mom whose life has become all-consumed by their children, so it''s never occurred to me that that is a thing that just happens to moms in general. All the moms I know still maintain their careers (on at least a part-time basis, if not full-time) and interests outside of their home and kids. Maybe that''s a regional thing... but when I hear about that from people I always assume they must be exaggerating because I have literally never met a mother like that.

Also, I''ve had NO ONE make the assumption that I would be changing my name after getting married - I had a lot of people ask whether or not I was going to. I continue to get shocked (and somewhat judgmental) reactions from people when they find out that I did change my name, and zero pats on the back over deciding to change my name. Seems to me that, at this point, women are now expected to not change their name... just like couples are expected to cohabit, have premarital sex, etc. etc. Probably stems from the fact that in the past, people who made those choices were judged harshly, so they spouted pride over it to compensate... and now that pride has evolved into judgment of those who don''t follow suit. (For the record, I say this as someone who did live with her husband, for over two years, before getting married.)

This thread is just a sad reminder of the harsh critics women are of each other. We get enough pressure from ourselves and society without having to worry about every move we make causing SOMEONE to look down upon us.

I know both types of moms, but yeah, there really are moms who ONLY talk about their kids'' every move. I''m talking conversations about how many times the kid pooped that day, the kids'' school issues, the kids'' friend issues, etc. And I am not exaggerating for the sake of argument! I would much rather these friends NOT be this way.

And I think your experience with your name change is probably very regional, because in my area almost everyone changes their last name. Everyone I see on FB from my area (especially from where I went to HS) has a new last name if they''re married. I think seriously EVERYONE. And I have yet to get a pat on the back for keeping my own name, so I feel you on that.

I am certainly not a harsh critic of women (I am much harsher on men, I guarantee it!), and I don''t look down on women for changing their name when they get married. But I''d be lying if I said it didn''t make me go "Huh?" a little bit every time I see that someone changed their name.

I think the vast majority of women who take their husbands'' last names do so because of societal pressure and not questioning tradition, not because they''ve really thought it through and they just like how it sounds, or because they don''t have close ties with their biological family.

Of course women can do whatever they want...but I still think most people don''t "choose their choice" on this issue.

 

[fieryred33143]

As for the mom issue:

I spent 7 years of my life talking about finance, accounting, operations management, giving presentations, doing interviews, etc. I''ve spent the past 3 years talking about auditing and its an all day every day conversation.

It''s exhausting.

So I look forward to talking about the color of poo and first steps.

 

[coatimundi_org]

I kept my last name for many reasons. I don''t know if we''ll have kids, but if we do, they will have my last name--because...it''s cooler.

My husband said, "awesome!" when I suggested he take my name, but in the end I told him, "oh keep your own name!" haha. He likes my name better, but it''s such a hassle to change.

Who''s name is it really anyway? We don''t even name ourselves!

 

[Sha]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 2:50:48 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:27 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don't want to start any fires but here's the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don't want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don't want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn't accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don't see what's wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what's your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse's?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

It's definitely a matter of opinion. When I see that a woman either hyphens her name or doesn't change her last name, I don't think twice about it (except how annoying it is to find that person on Outlook).

But when I hear a woman protest against the tradition so much it makes me think why take such a feminist approach? We don't all have to be man-haters. Just because a man wants his wife to carry his name, that doesn't mean he expects her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Juts because a woman wants to carry her husband's name that doesn't mean that the female movement is going backwards.

I would like to hypen my name because I think it sounds better. His last name and my last name together sounds fabulous.

Uhm.. What exactly is wrong with being a feminist? I consider myself to be a feminist (and I don't know how any women could consider themselves to NOT be one), and I am not a man-hater. I don't see how not taking your husbands last name makes one a 'man-hater' anyway. I am marrying a man, I obviously don't HATE him.

I don't think that enough women put any thought into what the tradition of changing their name means, they just think it's cute to be a Mrs. and to call themselves 'The Jones' and to sign holiday cards together.

A lot of the reasons that people have given here for changing their names and totally dropping their maiden names are pretty stupid, in my opinion. I don't really have a problem with the name change, I just have a HUGE problem with totally dropping the maiden name.

To me there are two kinds of feminists (and I don't know you personally so I'm not categorizing you). There are those that are strong career women, make choices that they feel are right for themselves, and put what they want before tradition.

And then there are those that if a woman gets pregnant, she's moving backwards. If a woman takes less hours, she's giving into 'the man.' If she's a career woman that changes her last name, then we should all lose respect for her. To me that kind of feminisim moves women's rights more backwards than someone who does decide to change their last name.

As princess so intelligently pointed out, the feminism movement is about choice. If someone chooses their right to change their last name, then all the power to them. If they choose to keep their original last name, then all the power to them.

And the whole facebook argument is kind of silly. I mean after all it is facebook. Not that big of a deal.

Ditto!


One of the things that disturbs me about the feminists I HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH, is that they all seem extremely judgemental of women who make traditional choices, for whatever reason. They'd be like, "Oh, you want to get married......(disapproving, condescending look). Automatically - it's like they consider you to be oppressed and unenlightened. The ones I met didn't' respect personal choice unless it was a non-traditional choice. I found that to be extremely constricting, and eventually parted company with them because I felt like every move or decision I made was judged in some way.

The funny thing too is a lot of feminists judge women who they feel are being constricted into making traditional choices (like changing their names), while they themselevs appear to be similarly constricted in the opposite fashion - many feel they HAVE to make a non-traditional choice or they will feel as if they are buying into the patriarchy, or that their feminist peers will judge them harshly for their decision. This sounds a lot like 'forced choice' to me!

This is just my opinion, based on my personal experience. I wanted to mention it because I really cant stand the judgemental choice that's coming across in some of these threads.

On the Original topic - I decided to hyphenate my name, because I do have an attachment to my maiden name, while my husband has absolutely no attachment to his (for family reasons). I also felt that dropping my entire name felt like dropping my identity, which I had worked hard to create over the past 30 years.

That was my decision - hubby originally wanted me to change it complelety but has no problem with it now.

My mother also mentioned to me that she was glad I didn't drop our family name, and she wished she had kept her name when she got married over 30 years ago.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/30/2009 12:35:38 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/30/2009 12:06:20 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/30/2009 11:34:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
Ok, question for all of those who want to hyphenate! I love the idea of joining both names into one new name, but my only issue with hyphenation (for me personally) is what would I expect my kids to do when they got married (assuming we gave them the hyphenated name). My maiden name is short and one syllable, but FI''s is long, so the hyphenated name would be pretty long altogether. If I have a daughter and she gets married, would I expect her to add her new husband''s name on as another hyphenated name? Just hyphenate with her dad''s name and husband''s name (in which case my maiden name would get dropped anyway, and she would lose half of what was her maiden name)? Or just take her husband''s name?

I''m as much of a feminist as anybody, but my practical side takes over and makes me want to just take his name for the sake of simplicity. That''s really my biggest personal reason for taking his name. I could keep my maiden name as my middle, but since I never ever use my middle name, I don''t know if it would be worth the trouble. I''m still considering this option though as it seems like the most practical way to hold on to my heritage.

So, the question is, what do kids with hyphenated names usually do when they marry? I can''t say I know anybody who has a hyphenated name that they got by birth (only people who hyphenated because of marriage) so I have no experience with this.

I''m leaning towards hyphenating but plan to give my kinds FH''s last name and my maiden name as their middle name. Just because you hyphenate, doesn''t mean the kids must also have hyphenated names.

But if you do decide to hyphenate the kids'' names, I''ve seen it go two ways: (1) One friend of mine just kept her hyphenated name when she married; and (2) One friend just took her husband''s last name and was glad to get rid of the hyphen. I''ve never seen anyone add a third name into the mix. That would get a little crazy IMO.

In any case, you''d just be letting your daughter make up her own mind when she decides to get married, like you made up your mind...

Lucyandroger, I didn''t mean to imply that I would force a hypothetical daughter to do anything with her last name. I was just curious if anyone else had experience with this because it''s something that interests me. I also know that most people don''t pass the hyphenated name onto their kids (which is why I don''t know anybody with a hyphenated name by birth), but I was specifically asking about the case where someone does want to pass on the hyphenated name.

I didn''t think you meant you would force your hypothetical daughter to do anything! Sorry if it came off like that''s what I thought!

I guess I was just thinking the kids end up having lots of options...and who knows what society will be like when our hypothetical daughters are old enough to get married!

The two friends I was talking about above were given hyphenated names at birth...so that''s what two people I know did when they got married. I think it was a great question. It''ll be interesting to hear what other people did in that situation!

 

[CellarDoor]

I don''t think that I mind some people''s reasons for changing their names - they hate their families, their husband''s name is much more aesthetically pleasing, they want to share a name with their children - but when I hear that they are doing it because it is a tradition, I cringe.

To me, it is like a woman saying "I am not going to learn to read or write, or receive any type of education, I will never vote or learn to drive, I will never work outside of the home, and when I reach menopause I would like to be thrown into a mental institution because it is tradition!" Because until VERY recent history, and presently in certain parts of the world this is the reality for women.

It really bothers me that women are expected to change their names, but men are looked down upon if they do. It is considered emasculating if a man were to change his name to his wife''s, or if he were to hyphenate. There is still so much patriarchal agenda in the whole name change situation. I do have the desire to share a last name with my children, but my feminist conscience really has a problem with it.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 2:10:26 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM

Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM

Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM

Author: CellarDoor

I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.


I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.


Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I''d feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I''d been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don''t know me well enough to be my ''friend''

).


Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a ''new'' married life!

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.


When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

I really don''t understand why you don''t respect somebody choosing what they do with their own name, just because it''s not what you would do.


Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.


I see changing names on sites like that as a sign that the person is really excited to be married. My friends all changed their names on that site the day they got married, with no sign of their maiden name on there. It made me smile to see it, because how excited about something do you have to be to take time out from your wedding day to change a silly website?


I just really don''t understand what''s not respectable about that.

I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

In keeping your own name you are not representing your family''s heritage. You are representing your FATHER''s family''s heritage. How is that any more progressive than your husband''s? Should we all stamp our feet now and demand that we and our husbands take our mother''s maiden name instead? Because really, then we''re all just taking HER father''s name. How far back do we have to go to make you happy? Isn''t it much easier to say, "It''s just a name?" And for the record, I have no idea yet what I will do about my name. It''s hard to say what I''ll decide to do. But you need to settle down!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:47:16 PM
Author: lucyandroger


I didn''t think you meant you would force your hypothetical daughter to do anything! Sorry if it came off like that''s what I thought!

I guess I was just thinking the kids end up having lots of options...and who knows what society will be like when our hypothetical daughters are old enough to get married!

The two friends I was talking about above were given hyphenated names at birth...so that''s what two people I know did when they got married. I think it was a great question. It''ll be interesting to hear what other people did in that situation!

Oh ok! I just wanted to make sure

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:58:05 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t think that I mind some people''s reasons for changing their names - they hate their families, their husband''s name is much more aesthetically pleasing, they want to share a name with their children - but when I hear that they are doing it because it is a tradition, I cringe.

To me, it is like a woman saying ''I am not going to learn to read or write, or receive any type of education, I will never vote or learn to drive, I will never work outside of the home, and when I reach menopause I would like to be thrown into a mental institution because it is tradition!'' Because until VERY recent history, and presently in certain parts of the world this is the reality for women.

It really bothers me that women are expected to change their names, but men are looked down upon if they do. It is considered emasculating if a man were to change his name to his wife''s, or if he were to hyphenate. There is still so much patriarchal agenda in the whole name change situation. I do have the desire to share a last name with my children, but my feminist conscience really has a problem with it.

you get ALL that from a woman who has CHOSEN to take her husbands name? i am most definately taking my husbands name-- do me a favor, can you drive me to the mental institution because i never learned how to read and therefore never got my license. i LIKE the tradition. I CHOOSE to take my husbands name..and guess what, i have a killer job working for a fortune 500 company, i read 2 books a week, drive my own car that i am licensed to drive and i will not be going to a mental institution any time soon. i will never understand where you are coming from on this one... but it is your CHOICE to feel that way you do. i don''t look down on you for NOT taking your husbands name, please don''t look down on me because i will.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:58:05 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don't think that I mind some people's reasons for changing their names - they hate their families, their husband's name is much more aesthetically pleasing, they want to share a name with their children - but when I hear that they are doing it because it is a tradition, I cringe.

But you see, that's not what you have been saying. You have said, repeatedly on this thread, that you judge people who change their names. Period. When you see someone on your facebook friends list whose name has changed, you judge them negatively. You cannot possibly have any idea how they came to that decision, unless you had a very honest in-depth conversation with them - which I would venture to guess has not happened with 99% of those friends, since out of everyone whose expressed surprise over my decision to change my name only one of them asked me "why?"

To me, it is like a woman saying 'I am not going to learn to read or write, or receive any type of education, I will never vote or learn to drive, I will never work outside of the home, and when I reach menopause I would like to be thrown into a mental institution because it is tradition!' Because until VERY recent history, and presently in certain parts of the world this is the reality for women.

Sure. Liking/following the tradition of changing your name to your husband's is JUST like all of those things.

Just like wanting to keep your maiden name after marriage is JUST like swearing off men altogether as "useless," getting pregnant and refusing to let the father take part in the child's life because "you don't need him," or only permitting men into your life for purely sexual relationships and nothing more.

(Not to say that any of those things are necessarily or always "bad," they are just extreme cases.)

It really bothers me that women are expected to change their names, but men are looked down upon if they do. It is considered emasculating if a man were to change his name to his wife's, or if he were to hyphenate. There is still so much patriarchal agenda in the whole name change situation. I do have the desire to share a last name with my children, but my feminist conscience really has a problem with it.

Men are looked down upon if they change their names? Huh. I wasn't aware. If I heard about that, my only reaction (if any at all) would be "Cool!"

The problem that I have here is that you're being quite hypocritical. You openly admit that you "judge" women who change their name without knowing their reasoning. You would like to change your own name, but take issue with it because you perceive it to be "expected of you," and you want to buck the trend. You don't want people to judge you for making that choice (either way), but you admit that you do judge others for that choice?? Do you see how this doesn't add up?

That's like me saying that I would really love to have children someday, but won't on principle just because I don't want to be a female stereotype. Or that I love chocolate, but won't eat it during that time of the month because I don't want to be a 'typical female' ... and I want to rise above the 'typical/traditional woman' stereotype, so I'm not going to have any children or eat any chocolate. Ever. Then no one can judge me! Oh wait...

 

[Bia]

I say: TAKE THE NAME YOU WANT.

If you want to be "traditional," then be traditional, and take his name because it's traditional. (this is NOT to say you don't believe in feminism!)

If you like his name more, take his name because you don't like yours but you like his.

If you want to keep your name because you like it, then keep it.

If you want to keep yours because you don't like his, then keep yours.

If your kids are going to have his name, and you want to have the name your kids will have, then take his name

If you kids are going to have your name and he wants to share the name his kids have, then let him take yours


No matter what you do, the name you choose will be your name because you CHOSE to either keep it or take it.

And if it bothers you that someone says its not okay to be tradtional (the way our society deems it) then don't listen to them because ultimately they have no say.


That is all...

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:20:31 PM
Author: Kelli

In keeping your own name you are not representing your family''s heritage. You are representing your FATHER''s family''s heritage. How is that any more progressive than your husband''s? Should we all stamp our feet now and demand that we and our husbands take our mother''s maiden name instead? Because really, then we''re all just taking HER father''s name. How far back do we have to go to make you happy? Isn''t it much easier to say, ''It''s just a name?'' And for the record, I have no idea yet what I will do about my name. It''s hard to say what I''ll decide to do. But you need to settle down!

Hehehehe this makes me laugh.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:43 AM
Author: AdiS
To answer the OP''s question-it''s all up to you. If you want to change your name-go ahead and do it. If you don''t want to-then don''t. You don''t have to defend your choice and feel pressured or manipulated. It''s your name after all.

BTW, I did change my last name. I''m a business lady, a successful one at that. I earn almost as much as my husband does. I have my own life, hobbies, interests. My own opinion. I make my own decisions. And I decided to take his last name. No hyphenating, no nothing. Oh, so I''m going to be judged and lose the respect of certain people because of my choice??? You know, the beauty of being the strong-willed, confident and independent woman said people insist we should all be, is that I don''t give a rats a$$ what these people think of me and my personal life and decisions. Judge that.

To repeat Musey

... WORD.

 

[WishfulThinking]

In my opinion, the biggest issue with tradition is that it is hegemonic. Many of us could and do condemn the flat-out expectation that women will automatically take their [by default male] partner's last name upon their marriage. This tradition is obviously rooted in patriarchy and male dominance. We are actually entitled to think the tradition itself might be pretty pretty stupid. Again, our own prerogative. The expectation is annoying, sexist, and in some cases creates problems and ostracizing of women who choose to keep their last names when they marry. That expectation is the issue.

I think it's important to know the history of the choices we make and make them consciously, knowing we have options. But we do have a CHOICE here. When we make those decisions consciously, we are making a decision. Obviously the decisions that one makes are based on limited agency, and dependent on our upbringing social and cultural values, religious beliefs, and a general social environment that is largely still rooted in the patriarchy. But we do have SOME agency... we have to. Otherwise we have nothing, because every day every single one of the choices we make is constrained by those same social and cultural forces. If someone has given thought to the options available and decides that she wants to make a choice that is rooted in tradition that's very different from following a practice blindly because they HAVE to and have no other options. In fact, I would argue that being able to make the choice is empowering no matter which choice you make.

This is why most people here have a problem with a husband-to-be trying to flat-out make the choice about last names for his future spouse. Her name, her choice. Not to say there cannot be compromise, but retaining her ability to make the choice herself is a great thing.

By the way, I am not sure any of us can talk about tradition if we're married or getting married. I think it's bordering on ludicrous to make the obviously traditional and historically patriarchal decision to be married and nitpick about the name change issue. We make choices every single day; for those of us who are ardent feminists, some of those choices are going to be "feminist choices," and some of them are not. It's the nature of the world we live in. But that we have the choice is something to be happy about, at least. I am certainly in no position to judge someone else's personal decisions when it comes to marriage... especially as I am asking for the same in return.

 

[musey]

Bia.

This whole name thing is beyond me. I place next to NO importance on my name as being an identifier for ME, so it''s difficult for me to comprehend all this drama surrounding to-change-or-not-to-change.

My name change had nothing to do with tradition, personally. My maiden name was boring and did nothing to identify me or my background, because I was one of billions of people who had it. His name is more unique and cooler sounding, so I nabbed it. I''d been waiting for an excuse to change my name my whole life, and I finally had one.


There was a thread awhile (at least 1.5 years or so) ago about favorite baby names, and a former PSer said that she HATES children to have given names that don''t match the ethnic origination of their surname. That was an interesting take. It also drove her crazy when a family that was Irish in appearance had kids with Italian given names (she was THAT picky - even within caucasian subgroups!). So I asked her, what if that family had had a great-great-grandfather, or something, that was Italian, and their last name is Contadino. Their kids can either have names that match their ethnic appearance (like Aislinn or Connor), or names that match their surname (like Isabella or Giovanni). What should the choice be then?

Needless to say, she didn''t respond

Anyway, my point is that all this name business really starts to get ridiculous once you impose all these rules of heritage and individuality upon them. People should make their choices based upon what makes sense to them and what they like - nothing else.