I don''t want to change my last name, but he wants me too.

[Rhea]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:34:41 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 3:12:09 PM

Author: musey

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM

Author: CellarDoor

I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage.

Would your feelings on this be the same if someone had a name like Kate Smith? What if she had an excuse (whether it be marriage or otherwise) to change her name to Kate Ackerson? Would you poopoo it because she was leaving her ''heritage'' (albeit a heritage shared by BILLIONS of people, so therefore not really meaningful or traceable) behind?

I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow wow wow.


This is everything that is wrong with the otherwise fantastic feminist movement. The point of that movement was that women should have equal rights and equal ability to do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled. What if what makes them feel happy and fulfilled is being a stay-at-home-mom? Does that make them inherently not respectable?


There are always people who judge, but I honestly don''t understand the point of it. That''s something that I''ve fought very hard against in my life, because it is absolutely not a productive emotion/thought process. People will do what they do, and even if I do something that you wouldn''t do, so what? I''m not telling YOU to do it, and I''m certainly not hurting anyone by doing it, so where''s the harm?

I don''t really care what she changes her name to, all I am saying is that I judge people who completely drop their last name when they get married in a negative way. I may even change my last name to my husband''s when I get married, I haven''t put much thought into it, but there is no way that I will drop my last name all together.

How would you know, in real life, what most people have done with their name? I have no clue what most of my friend''s middle names are and unless they are very close friends I would have no way of knowing if they moved their birth name to a middle name. Most people only introduce themselves by their first and last names.

 

[CellarDoor]

I wouldn''t know if they changed their middle name or not. It is just when they change their name immediately on their facebook to First Hislast it makes me think that they are totally dropping their last name. I could be wrong.

 

[Rhea]

You said that you judge people who totally drop their birth name, yet you might take your partner''s name and not hyphenate. How are you planning on introducing yourself so that people like yourself don''t judge you in a negative light for dropping your birth last name? Or do you only judge people on facebook who do this?

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor

I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow. I''ve been following this thread since its start, and I''ve had a few eyebrow-raising moments at some things said on here, but I''ve kept my mouth shut (fingers off the keyboard). However this tops it for me. I can''t NOT comment now.

I plan to take my FI''s name, for one, because it''s a new name and it''s fun, but also because it''s traditional (so what if I like tradition??? Maybe I want to feel like I belong to my husband. He''ll belong to me also. That''s what getting married IS. But it doesn''t matter if a name reflects that or not...), and because my last name is a toughie too. But I''ve lately thought about how to keep my maiden name somehow. I''d like to make it a middle name, but my current middle is my Mom''s maiden, which I feel gives me part of my maternal grandparents'' name to take with me too. So maybe I''ll do two middles, who knows. I have time to decide.

Anyway, I had to comment because the above comment is totally out of line. I really just hope you''re saying you think women should make sure to take time for themselves when their lives are wholeheartedly devoted to their children (and if you are, then ignore the remainder here). But if you''re trying to make the point that you disrespect women who quit their jobs to be at home with children, then I have lost all respect for you. If you say you''re a feminist, then you should support women making their own choices, not only the women who are willing to push the envelope from tradition. I happen to want to quit my job and stay home to raise children, if I''m blessed enough to have any. (And maybe I will be walking around in bare feet and maybe I will be cooking, but MAYBE I like to be comfortable in my own house and MAYBE I like to cook!!) I think I''ve got a tremendous gift that I could raise some kids to be self-respecting and respectful to the rest of the people in this world, and be caring and *non-judgemental*. I can''t afford to right now, but if I ever can, I will be doing exactly that. And you have no right to judge anyone for using the gifts they have to do the best they can for this world. Lord knows we need more good kids in this world anyway... it''s going down the toilet right now, and extra kudos to anyone willing to give of themselves to help make the next generation better than this one.

Well that''s my mini-rant for the week. If I am ever blessed enough to be able to stay home with my kids, I assure you I will still remain a social human being and keep in touch with people and take time for myself. However, if I choose to quit a career and do that, you have absolutely no right to judge me. But, I know that you and people like you still will... but what do I care?? I assure you that no woman who chooses to stay at home with her kids (or man for that matter) will EVER care that you judge them. They are doing exactly what is right for them.

 

[CellarDoor]

Well, my facebook name will be Kate Smith Ackerman then, and I will introduce myself the same way, even though it is very rare that I ever even say my full name now. It will be like Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Maybe I should just delete my facebook - it is making me find out things about friends and acquaintances that make me judge them... Everytime I see a friend or relative join a group like "We Thank George Bush for his Service", or "Abortion is murder" or become a "fan" of Sarah Palin I cringe a little bit.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:47:29 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM

Author: CellarDoor


I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow. I''ve been following this thread since its start, and I''ve had a few eyebrow-raising moments at some things said on here, but I''ve kept my mouth shut (fingers off the keyboard). However this tops it for me. I can''t NOT comment now.


I plan to take my FI''s name, for one, because it''s a new name and it''s fun, but also because it''s traditional (so what if I like tradition??? Maybe I want to feel like I belong to my husband. He''ll belong to me also. That''s what getting married IS. But it doesn''t matter if a name reflects that or not...), and because my last name is a toughie too. But I''ve lately thought about how to keep my maiden name somehow. I''d like to make it a middle name, but my current middle is my Mom''s maiden, which I feel gives me part of my maternal grandparents'' name to take with me too. So maybe I''ll do two middles, who knows. I have time to decide.


Anyway, I had to comment because the above comment is totally out of line. I really just hope you''re saying you think women should make sure to take time for themselves when their lives are wholeheartedly devoted to their children (and if you are, then ignore the remainder here). But if you''re trying to make the point that you disrespect women who quit their jobs to be at home with children, then I have lost all respect for you. If you say you''re a feminist, then you should support women making their own choices, not only the women who are willing to push the envelope from tradition. I happen to want to quit my job and stay home to raise children, if I''m blessed enough to have any. (And maybe I will be walking around in bare feet and maybe I will be cooking, but MAYBE I like to be comfortable in my own house and MAYBE I like to cook!!) I think I''ve got a tremendous gift that I could raise some kids to be self-respecting and respectful to the rest of the people in this world, and be caring and *non-judgemental*. I can''t afford to right now, but if I ever can, I will be doing exactly that. And you have no right to judge anyone for using the gifts they have to do the best they can for this world. Lord knows we need more good kids in this world anyway... it''s going down the toilet right now, and extra kudos to anyone willing to give of themselves to help make the next generation better than this one.


Well that''s my mini-rant for the week. If I am ever blessed enough to be able to stay home with my kids, I assure you I will still remain a social human being and keep in touch with people and take time for myself. However, if I choose to quit a career and do that, you have absolutely no right to judge me. But, I know that you and people like you still will... but what do I care?? I assure you that no woman who chooses to stay at home with her kids (or man for that matter) will EVER care that you judge them. They are doing exactly what is right for them.

Thank you for saying what I was ignoring because I didn''t have the words!

 

[musey]

I have to ask, what do you get out of judging people, especially through something so silly and meaningless as facebook? I don't judge people for doing things differently from me, so long as it doesn't cause harm to others. Those are their choices, and just as I'm entitled to my own choices, they are entitled to theirs. Judging what they do is in no way productive to my own life, so why would I bother?

I introduce myself as "Kate" (insert correct first name there). No last name, no middle name - I feel haughty when I give both names. But that's me. Just because it makes me feel haughty doesn't make me judge people as "haughty" when they introduce themselves as Firstname Lastname. It's all about how you want people to identify you, and I personally don't care about much past my first name.

I tried Firstname Maidenname Marriedname on facebook for awhile. I started feeling silly, because facebook is just a social networking site, not a place for my resume. Whatevs.

 

[Cellini3]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:18:20 AM
Author:blissfulbride
How do I get out of it?


I hear it''s alot of work, and if i were too .Where would I even get started.


Thanks

Blissfulbride,
Not sure if you''ve reconciled this issue but for what it''s worth...I hear your pain! I wanted to keep my maiden name...specifically because I didn''t like my husband to be''s last name...planning to be an elementary school teacher & having a name that sounds scary isn''t exactly a bonus! It really hurt my sweetie and I think his Texan pride(not that there''s anything wrong with that

)
I was considering hyphenating or just not taking his last name. In the end I decided to take his name, not begrudgingly as that would have not been good for us starting our our lives together & marriage is great, but very hard. It was really easy (granted there was some paperwork, but definitely easier than filling out college apsto do the name change forms for social and etc...

That was nearly 12 years ago & I don''t regret it. Now that we have kiddos, I am really glad that all of us have the same last name(especially since 3 of our children are adopted and of different ethnicity than us). I''ve had children in my classroom over the years that had either hyphenated last names or their mom had a different last name. It is a little confusing, but eventually everyone gets it. Just be clear on what you want to be called.

You have to do what is right for you, what can you live with? Your sweetie being the caring guy that he is may not like the idea, but having several frank convos may help. Especially if you''ve worked for a while and have your experience under your maiden name or if your creds (diplomas etc..) have your maiden name on them...found that guys tend to understand stuff if put into terms that they can relate to easier

Good luck & do post what you decide

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

My name is Alice Beth Carter (not really). The name "Alice" has been in my mother''s family for four generations, passed down to daughters or nieces. I hope one of my sisters will name her daughter after me even though it''s a weird name.

I go by my middle name.


So my choices are to either
1. dump my first name which has been passed down by five generations
2. have four names which is a pain in the butt and does not interest me at all
3. get rid of my maiden name which I didn''t even like until the last few years.
4. not take my husband''s name
5. hyphenate two names and give myself a ridiculously long name that won''t fit on any documents or forms.



Personally, I am much more emotionally attached to the name from my mother''s family than to my dad''s last name - I have many more close relatives and attend more family functions on that side. I also want to share a name with my husband. He likes his last name. I''m going with choice three. It doesn''t mean I''m dumping who I am because quite frankly, I am not defined by my dad''s last name.

I am going to give one of my children my mother''s maiden name for a middle name though. I''d like to pass that down. I don''t really care about my dad''s name though. (and no, I have no hard feelings or weird experiences with my dad and his family; I just have a lot of respect for my mom''s father)

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:49:05 PM
Author: CellarDoor
Well, my facebook name will be Kate Smith Ackerman then, and I will introduce myself the same way, even though it is very rare that I ever even say my full name now. It will be like Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Maybe I should just delete my facebook - it is making me find out things about friends and acquaintances that make me judge them... Everytime I see a friend or relative join a group like ''We Thank George Bush for his Service'', or ''Abortion is murder'' or become a ''fan'' of Sarah Palin I cringe a little bit.

Hahaha! Don''t delete your Facebook-just delete those friends! That''s what I do!

And for what it''s worth, I''m another one of them man-hating feminists who will be keeping my last name. And yeah, sometimes I do judge a little bit when a woman doesn''t keep her own last name. Why? Well, I guess I just see it as such an acceptance of patriarchy that I can''t keep myself from objecting, even if it''s just in my own head.

Plus it really irritates me that so many people just assume that the woman will take the husband''s last name. For example, my twin sister told me her boyfriend was surprised that I wasn''t taking my fiance''s last name. Say what? To me it should be obvious to anyone who knows me a little that I would never take his name! And if I ever have kids they''ll have a hyphenated last name, and I''ll make sure that the whole long name is used so that his or my name doesn''t get dropped.

Yes, feminism is about choice, but too often these "choices" don''t really exist. How many times have women here (even just in this thread) said that their future husband is INSISTING they take his last name? So where''s the choice in that? You can either not get married or you can take his last name. I personally wouldn''t get married, but I think 98% of women just cave and take his last name.

To me it''s like Charlotte in SATC, when she stops working, telling Miranda "I CHOOSE MY CHOICE! I CHOOSE MY CHOICE!" Well, you sort of chose your choice...but mostly your choice chose you.

 

[CellarDoor]

What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you "like" it?

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/29/2009 4:45:06 PM
Author: CellarDoor
What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you ''like'' it?

no i don''t think so. i would take my mothers maiden name because i don''t have any attachments to my current last name. i think that once the marriage is over you should change your name back. of course i am senstitive to this very subject if you venture over to Hangout.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:54:40 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 1/29/2009 3:47:29 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM

Author: CellarDoor


I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow. I''ve been following this thread since its start, and I''ve had a few eyebrow-raising moments at some things said on here, but I''ve kept my mouth shut (fingers off the keyboard). However this tops it for me. I can''t NOT comment now.


I plan to take my FI''s name, for one, because it''s a new name and it''s fun, but also because it''s traditional (so what if I like tradition??? Maybe I want to feel like I belong to my husband. He''ll belong to me also. That''s what getting married IS. But it doesn''t matter if a name reflects that or not...), and because my last name is a toughie too. But I''ve lately thought about how to keep my maiden name somehow. I''d like to make it a middle name, but my current middle is my Mom''s maiden, which I feel gives me part of my maternal grandparents'' name to take with me too. So maybe I''ll do two middles, who knows. I have time to decide.


Anyway, I had to comment because the above comment is totally out of line. I really just hope you''re saying you think women should make sure to take time for themselves when their lives are wholeheartedly devoted to their children (and if you are, then ignore the remainder here). But if you''re trying to make the point that you disrespect women who quit their jobs to be at home with children, then I have lost all respect for you. If you say you''re a feminist, then you should support women making their own choices, not only the women who are willing to push the envelope from tradition. I happen to want to quit my job and stay home to raise children, if I''m blessed enough to have any. (And maybe I will be walking around in bare feet and maybe I will be cooking, but MAYBE I like to be comfortable in my own house and MAYBE I like to cook!!) I think I''ve got a tremendous gift that I could raise some kids to be self-respecting and respectful to the rest of the people in this world, and be caring and *non-judgemental*. I can''t afford to right now, but if I ever can, I will be doing exactly that. And you have no right to judge anyone for using the gifts they have to do the best they can for this world. Lord knows we need more good kids in this world anyway... it''s going down the toilet right now, and extra kudos to anyone willing to give of themselves to help make the next generation better than this one.


Well that''s my mini-rant for the week. If I am ever blessed enough to be able to stay home with my kids, I assure you I will still remain a social human being and keep in touch with people and take time for myself. However, if I choose to quit a career and do that, you have absolutely no right to judge me. But, I know that you and people like you still will... but what do I care?? I assure you that no woman who chooses to stay at home with her kids (or man for that matter) will EVER care that you judge them. They are doing exactly what is right for them.

Thank you for saying what I was ignoring because I didn''t have the words!

That highlighted phrase is just...well, I can''t say what I''m thinking.

Women change jobs all the time. Child-rearing is a FULL TIME JOB (For the record, I am not a SAHM, but I work from home and work for huge company). People also lose interest in hobbies and pick up new ones. So tell me, what is wrong with CHOOSING a most fulfilling job like child rearing and putting all your passion into it like a new hobby, project or interest? Things are constantly changing and you have new challenges, more than a lot of "regular" jobs.

So let me get this straight...you''d probably have no problem with a woman changing jobs, ditching an old hobby in favor of a new and more interesting one, and having old friendships die because they meet new people in their new career that they mesh better with, right? But it''s not OK if the job is RAISING YOUR FAMILY?

Give me a f*cking break!!!!!

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:34:41 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 3:12:09 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage.

Would your feelings on this be the same if someone had a name like Kate Smith? What if she had an excuse (whether it be marriage or otherwise) to change her name to Kate Ackerson? Would you poopoo it because she was leaving her ''heritage'' (albeit a heritage shared by BILLIONS of people, so therefore not really meaningful or traceable) behind?

I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow wow wow.

This is everything that is wrong with the otherwise fantastic feminist movement. The point of that movement was that women should have equal rights and equal ability to do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled. What if what makes them feel happy and fulfilled is being a stay-at-home-mom? Does that make them inherently not respectable?

There are always people who judge, but I honestly don''t understand the point of it. That''s something that I''ve fought very hard against in my life, because it is absolutely not a productive emotion/thought process. People will do what they do, and even if I do something that you wouldn''t do, so what? I''m not telling YOU to do it, and I''m certainly not hurting anyone by doing it, so where''s the harm?

I don''t really care what she changes her name to, all I am saying is that I judge people who completely drop their last name when they get married in a negative way. I may even change my last name to my husband''s when I get married, I haven''t put much thought into it, but there is no way that I will drop my last name all together. I don''t think that my FH really cares either way though, and I wouldn''t be marrying him if he DEMANDED that I change my name. I don''t want to hyphenate because my name is already too long.

I agree that feminism is about choices, and I don''t have a problem with stay-at-home moms as long as they retain some of their individual identity, even if it just means that they read a book once a week, or go to the gym, or meet friends for dinner once a month. As long as they take time to do things just for themselves I respect the choice to stay at home. I think, however, that too many women idealize this concept of a stay-at-home mom, and think that it is the perfect way to bring up children without considering how lonely and unfulfilling it can be.

I clarified my statement on the last page. I think that this one more accurately describes the way that I feel.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 4:45:06 PM
Author: CellarDoor
What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you ''like'' it?

No, I''ll change it, because I won''t like the name anymore. Maybe I''ll change my name to Princesss Smartypants. Legally.

I don''t understand why you want to demean a choice people make because they ''like'' it. We''re doing what we ''like'', and you''re doing what you ''like''.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/29/2009 4:53:54 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 3:34:41 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 3:12:09 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage.

Would your feelings on this be the same if someone had a name like Kate Smith? What if she had an excuse (whether it be marriage or otherwise) to change her name to Kate Ackerson? Would you poopoo it because she was leaving her ''heritage'' (albeit a heritage shared by BILLIONS of people, so therefore not really meaningful or traceable) behind?

I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow wow wow.

This is everything that is wrong with the otherwise fantastic feminist movement. The point of that movement was that women should have equal rights and equal ability to do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled. What if what makes them feel happy and fulfilled is being a stay-at-home-mom? Does that make them inherently not respectable?

There are always people who judge, but I honestly don''t understand the point of it. That''s something that I''ve fought very hard against in my life, because it is absolutely not a productive emotion/thought process. People will do what they do, and even if I do something that you wouldn''t do, so what? I''m not telling YOU to do it, and I''m certainly not hurting anyone by doing it, so where''s the harm?

I don''t really care what she changes her name to, all I am saying is that I judge people who completely drop their last name when they get married in a negative way. I may even change my last name to my husband''s when I get married, I haven''t put much thought into it, but there is no way that I will drop my last name all together. I don''t think that my FH really cares either way though, and I wouldn''t be marrying him if he DEMANDED that I change my name. I don''t want to hyphenate because my name is already too long.

I agree that feminism is about choices, and I don''t have a problem with stay-at-home moms as long as they retain some of their individual identity, even if it just means that they read a book once a week, or go to the gym, or meet friends for dinner once a month. As long as they take time to do things just for themselves I respect the choice to stay at home. I think, however, that too many women idealize this concept of a stay-at-home mom, and think that it is the perfect way to bring up children without considering how lonely and unfulfilling it can be.

I clarified my statement on the last page. I think that this one more accurately describes the way that I feel.

And I still have an issue with what you said.

WHAT if their individual identity is to become a MOM? And sorry, I don''t know a SINGLE stay at home mom that stays at home staring at the kid all day. All have friends, do play dates, lunches or whatever. You seem to think that "individual identity" somehow means they still have to retain interests they had pre-mom. While most DO, some simply don''t and that is their choice.

EVERY stay at home mom I know has gone into it knowing full well they were about to dive into a life that could be boring and sometimes lonely. However I don''t know of a single one who would honestly say it was unfulfilling.

We are fortunate to be women. We are fortunate that genetically, when we have children, there is (for most, I won''t say all) an instinctual drive that kicks in to put your child''s best interests first (whether that be staying home or not) and understanding what sacrifice really is. And yes, sometimes that means giving up your career that society applauds for one that some people in society shake their heads at.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 1/29/2009 5:00:19 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 4:45:06 PM
Author: CellarDoor
What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you ''like'' it?

No, I''ll change it, because I won''t like the name anymore. Maybe I''ll change my name to Princesss Smartypants. Legally.

I don''t understand why you want to demean a choice people make because they ''like'' it. We''re doing what we ''like'', and you''re doing what you ''like''.

This is interesting - I have a friend who was married, got divorced, and said that to change her name BACK to her maiden name was actually more difficult than taking her husband''s name when they got married. She has since said she''ll never change her name again.

Another friend was married with kids when she got divorced and she kept her ex''s name for the kids sake. They were married 15 years and while she didn''t like having that ''connection'' to her ex, she said it was hard to change back not only because of the kids, but because for the past 15 years she associated herself as Herfirstname Hislastname.

Clearly - this is a messy subject. I for one am not changing my name for professional reasons, but was willing to take his personally - although I have yet to implement that policy I think I would rather keep mine and just not get upset if someone calls me Mrs. Hubbyslastname.

I did offer up that we both change our names to a hybrid of our last names - but he didn''t go for it. You know why? Because HE didn''t want to lose his last name! ha!

Our hybrid last name is actually what we call eachother for fun (as do our friends.)

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/29/2009 5:00:19 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 4:45:06 PM

Author: CellarDoor

What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you ''like'' it?

No, I''ll change it, because I won''t like the name anymore. Maybe I''ll change my name to Princesss Smartypants. Legally.

I don''t understand why you want to demean a choice people make because they ''like'' it. We''re doing what we ''like'', and you''re doing what you ''like''.

Well like I said in my post up thread, it seems like a lot of times the choice isn''t much of a choice. And I bet if it wasn''t so expected that women change their last names, they wouldn''t "like" it so much and change their names so often.

 

[sonnyjane]

BR>Author: CellarDoor

What do you do with your last name if you took your husband''s name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband''s name? Keep it just because you ''like'' it?

[/quote]

I''d go back to my maiden name. My mom divorced her second husband (my step-father) and went back to her married name from the first marriage (my last name) so that we would all have the same last name, and she didn''t like her maiden name. The court told her she could pick any last name she wanted though...reminded me of the Friends episode where Phoebe changed it to Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.

 

[bee*]

I''m planning on taking D''s surname as I want to and have thought long and hard about it (and I''m not doing it because I think it''s cute

). I really resent having someone judge me as I decide to take my husbands name and drop my maiden name. That name will always be linked to me and to me, taking D''s name represents to me our new family.

And TGal

If a woman wants to stay at home with her child, who is someone else to judge. Live and let live. I don''t think that anyone has the right to judge another woman about her choices when it''s not harming you at all.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 5:57:07 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/29/2009 5:00:19 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 4:45:06 PM


Author: CellarDoor


What do you do with your last name if you took your husband's name and then get divorced? Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a pretty good chance that quite a few of the people posting on this thread are going to end up divorced. What will you do then? Still identify with the husband's name? Keep it just because you 'like' it?

No, I'll change it, because I won't like the name anymore. Maybe I'll change my name to Princesss Smartypants. Legally.


I don't understand why you want to demean a choice people make because they 'like' it. We're doing what we 'like', and you're doing what you 'like'.

Well like I said in my post up thread, it seems like a lot of times the choice isn't much of a choice. And I bet if it wasn't so expected that women change their last names, they wouldn't 'like' it so much and change their names so often.

I see your point, Thing, but honestly, I don't really care if it's expected. It's actually not in my particular situation (at least not within our families or my relationship, which is all I'm paying attention to). There is a lot that we've been conditioned to accept socially, and that's a-okay if we choose to go along with it. Does it bug me that people automatically assume I'll take his last name? Honestly, it offends me more when people assume they automatically know what religion I am.

See, for me, it comes down to choice. If you feel like you have a choice, it doesn't matter what you choose. You chose, and if you're happy with your choice, great. It's when you don't feel like you have a choice (and I think that you and I actually see eye-to-eye on this) that there's trouble. I've thought long and hard about whether I will take BF's last name. Right now, I'm set on doing it. When it actually happens, I very well might have a freak out and decide never to do it. If I was with a guy who insisted on me changing my name...well, I wouldn't be with him anymore. That's a serious lack of respect, and I don't stand for that.

I could go into the many reasons I thought about changing my name, but in the end, the only reason I'm choosing to share on here is the one that matters. I want to. I like it better. To me, nothing else matters. I'm not trying to argue for all women, just explaining my situation. And what's irking me is the lack of respect when this is a choice that will only affect my family. (Mostly the quotations around "like". I don't just say I like this plan. I legitimately like it. So the sarcasm frustrates me.)


ETA: Let me try to be clear and concise. I do not like the assumption that I will change to BF's last name when we get married (even though I probably will). I dislike the assumption that I should do it because I am the woman and he is the man. However, I have thought about this and continue to think about it. I have decided (at this point in time, and this is subject to change) to take his name. This is a choice I am happy with, and it frustrates me when a choice I agonize over and think hard about is dismissed because it doesn't seem progressive enough.

 

[panda08]

Interesting thread. FI and I have had brief discussions regarding the name change issue. I prefer to keep my last name, as I have a professional degree, am established in my career AND frankly, I''m just darn used to it after 34 years on this planet! If someone called me by my FI''s last name, it would sure take me awhile to get used to it and respond.

Taking the man''s name is a cultural thing. In my culture, women don''t change their last names. However, they''re known socially as "Mrs. So and So." My mom didn''t change her last name until my parents immigrated to the states.

CellarDoor is getting a lot of heat and I won''t try to interpret her statements but will just throw in my thoughts. I don''t lose respect for a woman because of her choices in life, but I think I understand where Cellar is coming from when she talks about women losing their identity. I have friends who now only talk about their children (not so much their husbands). They can go on about first steps, the color of the poop, breast feeding, funny faces, etc. It''s like my friends'' identities have been snatched from them and now they''re "Baby''s Mom", not "XYZ, my friend who was interested in celebrity gossip, fashion, food, politics and whatnot." Don''t get me wrong, I love to hear about my friend''s kids but when that''s always the only topic of conversation, for someone like me who''s single and childless, it can be difficult. I understand that some of my friends'' lives have changed and I don''t begrudge their choices or their happiness, in fact, I''ve celebrated those changes with them. But I confess that I''ve mourned the loss of an aspect of those friendships that I cherished that no longer seems to exist. Some of my woman friends are acutely aware of this issue and make a concerted effort to not constantly talk about their children. Others blissfully chat away about Baby''s latest. I still love all of my gal pals, regardless and am happy that they''re happy.

OP: Do what you feel is right for yourself. The other PS''ers are right, feminism is all about the right to choose.

 

[indecisive]

Date: 1/28/2009 4:17:27 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 1/28/2009 1:15:01 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I''m sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Depending on your state, it will mean quite a number of in-person visits, possible fear of identity theft should mailed-in documents be lost in the mail (going through this myself), and months - if not years - of ''CRAP I never changed that!'' and awkward in-between moments at the checkout line where you have to show your marriage certificate to prove that even though your name on your credit card says Mary MaidenName and your name on your driver''s license says Mary MarriedName you are in fact the same person...

No, not just a week of paperwork. Gimme a break!

Musey, it sounds like your arduous troubles getting it done might be more of a local thing.

I live in MA (and I know NEL does, too), and it was ridiculously easy to change my name. The local city hall gave me a notarized copy of our marriage license. I too that to the Social Security office on a Thursday afternoon; I did not have to wait for the new card to arrive because they issued a form on the spot for me to take to my DMV. (Even then, the new SS card arrived in under two weeks).

I left SS office and went straight across the street to the DMV. Within 20 minutes, they issued me a new temporary drivers license and a revised car registration. My actual driver''s license arrived in the mail the following Tuesday (less than 5 days).

I took the same certified marriage license along with my license and new registration to the local branch of my national bank that Saturday. They immediately changed my name on all the accounts, and they also linked mine/hubby''s accounts together at the same time at our request.

I only spent another 30 minutes making a form letter to the credit card companies and attached a copy of our marriage license to each. New cards arrived promptly.

My experience was closer to what Fiery described - it was pretty painless and much simpler than I expected.

Yeah, I am in VA and it took less than a week to get everything changed, no mailing or anything. I feel like it was almost too easy. The SS office just needed my marriage license and they didn''t even check my id. I got my drivers license the same day and USAA sent me new cards and checks in like 2 days. I think I got my insurance cards in like a week. From my experience Firey is right on.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/29/2009 7:23:30 PM
Author: panda08

Interesting thread. FI and I have had brief discussions regarding the name change issue. I prefer to keep my last name, as I have a professional degree, am established in my career AND frankly, I''m just darn used to it after 34 years on this planet! If someone called me by my FI''s last name, it would sure take me awhile to get used to it and respond.

Taking the man''s name is a cultural thing. In my culture, women don''t change their last names. However, they''re known socially as ''Mrs. So and So.'' My mom didn''t change her last name until my parents immigrated to the states.

CellarDoor is getting a lot of heat and I won''t try to interpret her statements but will just throw in my thoughts. I don''t lose respect for a woman because of her choices in life, but I think I understand where Cellar is coming from when she talks about women losing their identity. I have friends who now only talk about their children (not so much their husbands). They can go on about first steps, the color of the poop, breast feeding, funny faces, etc. It''s like my friends'' identities have been snatched from them and now they''re ''Baby''s Mom'', not ''XYZ, my friend who was interested in celebrity gossip, fashion, food, politics and whatnot.'' Don''t get me wrong, I love to hear about my friend''s kids but when that''s always the only topic of conversation, for someone like me who''s single and childless, it can be difficult. I understand that some of my friends'' lives have changed and I don''t begrudge their choices or their happiness, in fact, I''ve celebrated those changes with them. But I confess that I''ve mourned the loss of an aspect of those friendships that I cherished that no longer seems to exist. Some of my woman friends are acutely aware of this issue and make a concerted effort to not constantly talk about their children. Others blissfully chat away about Baby''s latest. I still love all of my gal pals, regardless and am happy that they''re happy.


OP: Do what you feel is right for yourself. The other PS''ers are right, feminism is all about the right to choose.

Thanks for the input Panda. I think that certain comments on here have been WAY too far over the line. But you make a good point here. Overall, everyone has the right to choose. But I do think you are absolutely right that women should make a point to maintain somewhat of their own identity. Even if hobbies change over life, they should make sure to maintain whatever those are, and not only relate themselves to just children. Granted, when your children are the most important thing, I can imagine where it would sometimes be hard to find the time. But I do believe women should definitely try to take time to maintain some sort of identity for themselves.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/29/2009 7:23:30 PM
Author: panda08


CellarDoor is getting a lot of heat and I won''t try to interpret her statements but will just throw in my thoughts. I don''t lose respect for a woman because of her choices in life, but I think I understand where Cellar is coming from when she talks about women losing their identity. I have friends who now only talk about their children (not so much their husbands). They can go on about first steps, the color of the poop, breast feeding, funny faces, etc. It''s like my friends'' identities have been snatched from them and now they''re ''Baby''s Mom'', not ''XYZ, my friend who was interested in celebrity gossip, fashion, food, politics and whatnot.'' Don''t get me wrong, I love to hear about my friend''s kids but when that''s always the only topic of conversation, for someone like me who''s single and childless, it can be difficult. I understand that some of my friends'' lives have changed and I don''t begrudge their choices or their happiness, in fact, I''ve celebrated those changes with them. But I confess that I''ve mourned the loss of an aspect of those friendships that I cherished that no longer seems to exist. Some of my woman friends are acutely aware of this issue and make a concerted effort to not constantly talk about their children. Others blissfully chat away about Baby''s latest. I still love all of my gal pals, regardless and am happy that they''re happy.

OP: Do what you feel is right for yourself. The other PS''ers are right, feminism is all about the right to choose.

See, that''s exactly what I thought CellarDoor was saying, too. I''ve seen that exact thing happen in a couple of my friends and it is not pretty. I am certainly interested in their children, but the ones who make their kids their ONLY interest just seem a little cuckoo. And I also know people who have kids, the kids are the center of their lives, but they manage to still have lives and interests outside of baby poop. Guess which friends I''d rather hang with?

 

[musey]

I don't personally know a mom whose life has become all-consumed by their children, so it's never occurred to me that that is a thing that just happens to moms in general. All the moms I know still maintain their careers (on at least a part-time basis, if not full-time) and interests outside of their home and kids. Maybe that's a regional thing... but when I hear about that from people I always assume they must be exaggerating because I have literally never met a mother like that.

Also, I've had NO ONE make the assumption that I would be changing my name after getting married - I had a lot of people ask whether or not I was going to. I continue to get shocked (and somewhat judgmental) reactions from people when they find out that I did change my name, and zero pats on the back over deciding to change my name. Seems to me that, at this point, women are now expected to not change their name... just like couples are expected to cohabit, have premarital sex, etc. etc. Probably stems from the fact that in the past, people who made those choices were judged harshly, so they spouted pride over it to compensate... and now that pride has evolved into judgment of those who don't follow suit. (For the record, I say this as someone who did live with her husband, for over two years, before getting married.)

This thread is just a sad reminder of the harsh critics women are of each other. We get enough pressure from ourselves and society without having to worry about every move we make causing SOMEONE to look down upon us.

 

[rainwood]

Holy moly, has this thread fired up some discussion! I''m going to stay out of some of the specific debates and just relate my personal experience. I got married a little over 30 years ago when women had the same choices as they do today, but the vast majority of women then still took their husband''s last name at marriage. I didn''t want to do that for a lot of reasons, only some of which I could have even articulated at that time. My then fiance felt strongly that I should take his name which surprised me because he wasn''t a traditional thinker in any other way. I thought long and hard and ultimately compromised and hyphenated my last name, a fairly unusual step back in 1978. Both our names were only one syllable so it wasn''t unwieldy. My husband did not hyphenate his last name.

In the beginning, the hyphenated name was kind of a pain, especially the 5 or 6 years the IRS kept bouncing our tax return because my name and my social security number didn''t match because the SSA didn''t know what to do with hyphenated names. And I used to get some funny looks and comments, mostly from women. By the time the mid-80''s rolled around, it was no big deal. Times change, it wasn''t so strange. One of the differences between hyphenated names and using your birth name as a middle name is that with the hyphenated, you actually use the full name. That''s how I introduce myself, that''s how it''s filed alphabetically (birth name is first so is filed under the beginning letter of that name). It occasionally gets misfiled under the wrong letter, some credit cards don''t put in the hyphen and airline tickets just mush the two names together so it looks really strange, but mostly it''s a non-issue. One of the benefits of a hyphenated name is when someone on the phone asks for Mrs. Husband''s Last Name, I know it''s a solicitor and I can just tell them I''m not home! And it''s weird how many people don''t know what a hyphen is. When I''ve spelled out my name and said "hyphen" I''ve seen people use commas, apostrophes, and even a semi-colon once!

At this point, I would have a really hard time introducing myself with just my birth name. It would sound weird. How do I feel about the compromise I made that my husband didn''t? Mostly I joke that we should have changed our name to something with some clout like Boeing or Nordstrom or Rockefeller. Occasionally, I still give him crap about not hyphenating but I''m okay with it. And in our case, wanting me to take his name was not a sign that he would be equally traditional in his other beliefs. He does most of the laundry and cleaning, has always supported me in my career, and been happy that I''ve out-earned him some of those years.

People should just do what works best for them.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:17:56 PM
Author: musey

Also, I''ve had NO ONE make the assumption that I would be changing my name after getting married - I had a lot of people ask whether or not I was going to. I continue to get shocked (and somewhat judgmental) reactions from people when they find out that I did change my name, and zero pats on the back over deciding to change my name. Seems to me that, at this point, women are now expected to not change their name... just like couples are expected to cohabit, have premarital sex, etc. etc. Probably stems from the fact that in the past, people who made those choices were judged harshly, so they spouted pride over it to compensate... and now that pride has evolved into judgment of those who don''t follow suit. (For the record, I say this as someone who did live with her husband, for over two years, before getting married.)


This thread is just a sad reminder of the harsh critics women are of each other. We get enough pressure from ourselves and society without having to worry about every move we make causing SOMEONE to look down upon us.

Musey, we have had identical experiences on opposite coasts! I thought about this thread tonight at a meeting where I introduced myself as Swimmer Maiden Married (as was appropriate in a business meeting) and a full-on conversation between the few people there who know me broke out about how shocking it was that I would change my name. I''ve had female students tell me that they were disappointed in me for changing my name, but I liked having the choice.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:04:18 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/29/2009 7:23:30 PM
Author: panda08



CellarDoor is getting a lot of heat and I won''t try to interpret her statements but will just throw in my thoughts. I don''t lose respect for a woman because of her choices in life, but I think I understand where Cellar is coming from when she talks about women losing their identity. I have friends who now only talk about their children (not so much their husbands). They can go on about first steps, the color of the poop, breast feeding, funny faces, etc. It''s like my friends'' identities have been snatched from them and now they''re ''Baby''s Mom'', not ''XYZ, my friend who was interested in celebrity gossip, fashion, food, politics and whatnot.'' Don''t get me wrong, I love to hear about my friend''s kids but when that''s always the only topic of conversation, for someone like me who''s single and childless, it can be difficult. I understand that some of my friends'' lives have changed and I don''t begrudge their choices or their happiness, in fact, I''ve celebrated those changes with them. But I confess that I''ve mourned the loss of an aspect of those friendships that I cherished that no longer seems to exist. Some of my woman friends are acutely aware of this issue and make a concerted effort to not constantly talk about their children. Others blissfully chat away about Baby''s latest. I still love all of my gal pals, regardless and am happy that they''re happy.


OP: Do what you feel is right for yourself. The other PS''ers are right, feminism is all about the right to choose.

See, that''s exactly what I thought CellarDoor was saying, too. I''ve seen that exact thing happen in a couple of my friends and it is not pretty. I am certainly interested in their children, but the ones who make their kids their ONLY interest just seem a little cuckoo. And I also know people who have kids, the kids are the center of their lives, but they manage to still have lives and interests outside of baby poop. Guess which friends I''d rather hang with?

Look, it''s annoying if anyone talks about any one thing all the time. How many brides do you know who can only go on and on about their weddings? Or women dating who can only go on and on about their love lives? I''ve known both kinds and then some.

We all relate most to what we are experiencing ourselves. I''ll bet a lot of you engaged/married ladies get pretty bored with your younger single friends talking about their dramas, and they are bored with you talking about your husbands and married lives. People CHANGE in their lives and their identities reinvent themselves. They are not LOSING their identites, but progressing in what is not an unusual course in life. Most of you here have no problem getting married and taking your husband''s name, and yet you don''t realize that you are moving into a completely new and different life changing phase in your life? Motherhood is the same thing.

The bottom line is you don''t know until you''ve been there. An even more bottom bottom line is that we all have the right to choose, so thank god you don''t have to hang around with cuckoo mothers, and they don''t have to hang out with you!

 

[panda08]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:17:56 PM
Author: musey

This thread is just a sad reminder of the harsh critics women are of each other. We get enough pressure from ourselves and society without having to worry about every move we make causing SOMEONE to look down upon us.

Ditto! Women are toughest on other women. It''s very sad. If anything, we should stick together and celebrate each other''s choices. We''ve come a long way from being just chattel... at least in most 1st world countries.