i don''t understand young girls these days...

[Dancing Fire]

after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

 

[Elmorton]

I think the word gift is loaded and that''s where all the problems on this subject begin. If you''re a good gift-giver, you put the other person in the forefront when decidingwhat/how to give a gift; therefore, it''s going to be different depending on the recipient/giver.

To me, if a gift is a it''s a major purchase (like an e-ring), I expect to be involved as I am in all the major purchases in my marriage - just as my DH expects to be involved in the major purchases I make. DH and I picked out the ring together, decided on a budget together, etc.

But, if DH knew that I was more interested in being surprised, or letting him pick out something solo, then he''d be a "good gift-giver" by choosing something on his own.

The problem with the e-ring is, IMO, that people don''t understand or estimate how their partner will feelabout a large gift.

 

[mrscushion]

Yes, an e-ring is a gift. But isn't gift-giving about thoughtfulness? Meaning, what could be more delightful to the gift-giver than knowing that the gift is exactly what the other person wants? I think the man should want to get his fiancee something that makes her truly happy -- within the budget he can afford.

ETA: FI asked me if I had something in mind for an engagement ring. Once he found out that I actually had very specific things in mind

, he made sure he got the full download. And now that I have the ring of my dreams, I look at it all the time, I smile when I get a glimpse of its fire, and he says several times a week that seeing my love my ring as much as I do makes it totally worth it.

And don't forget, many women contribute to the e-ring nowadays. In which case they better have full input.

 

[musey]

My then-boyfriend and I considered the e-ring a joint purchase symbolizing out mutual decision to get married.

As such, we chose the ring together.


As for requesting it to be from a particular store... for some people, it''s very exciting and meaningful to have their engagement ring (or wedding ring, or anything really) come from a particular place. They just plain like the idea of it. I see no harm in communicating that desire to one''s partner... as the idea of an e-ring is to get something SHE will love, right?

Well, for the good ones, it is.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

First of all, YOU shouldn''t be telling them to request anything

but if that''s what THEY really want, and it''s that or nothing, then sure. They may just have to wait awhile (QUITE awhile, maybe 20+ years into the marriage, depending on what they and/or their husband do) to get it

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

Yes. The ring is a gift. What it represents is priceless. That''s one of the reasons people usually strive to get it right.

IF, and only IF this ring had been a complete surprise, and she HAD NOT given him hints, advice, research, shared her knowledge; and IF he wasn''t aware that the inclusion was visible; and IF he wasn''t educated about diamonds enough to know better; and IF he wasn''t fully aware of what constitued a ''good enough'' diamond in her mind . . . THEN everything would be different.

He was not some poor uneducated schmuck who didn''t have a clue.

Sure, this diamond has a lot of great things going for it. But I wouldn''t want to look at an inclusion every time I glanced at my ring. And neither, apparently, does she.

Now, if the couple were constrained by finances, and this was as good as he could possibly afford, and she knew it . . . THEN she would be inconsiderate, and lacking in the proper sentiment.

 

[Circe]

My husband says that he''s amazed that I speak 3 languages fluently: English, Russian, and Jewelry.

After being married to me for a year and a half, he''s picked up a few words in Russian, but Jewelry? Fuggadaboutit. And when we were just starting out? Ahahahaha. No. While he''s a wonderful researcher who could easily have done the homework necessary to figure out what made for a good stone, it would be the equivalent of requiring a student who''s crammed successfully for a single test give a plenary talk instead of having an expert in the field do it. And don''t even get started on the setting .... I''ve been studying jewelry since I was 11, and after a year and a half, he still doesn''t tend to remember what "bezel" means. ''Sokay, I''m damned if I can understand half of what he says about computers.

So instead, he told me the budget, I told him the basic parameters of what I thought that would afford, and we went a''shopping together. Could you read it as, "Circe, that greedy wench, said that she wanted something between a carat and a carat and a half, G to J, no lower than VS2! For shame!" Sure. Me, I prefer to think of it as teamwork, and a practical approach to something that''s halfway between being a gift and signifier of a mutual decision ....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:17:01 PM
Author: musey
My then-boyfriend and I considered the e-ring a joint purchase symbolizing out mutual decision to get married.


As such, we chose the ring together.



As for requesting it to be from a particular store... for some people, it's very exciting and meaningful to have their engagement ring (or wedding ring, or anything really) come from a particular place. They just plain like the idea of it. I see no harm in communicating that desire to one's partner... as the idea of an e-ring is to get something SHE will love, right?


Well, for the good ones, it is.

Well said. After all-don't we ALL often tell our spouses/parents/friends about things we'd love to get as gifts? And where to get them? I know when my DH tells me that there is something he wants I don't go and buy something that's similar but not the one he wants!!!

For example if you are a man who likes sports and you tell your wife you'd LOOOOVE season tickets to the *yankees* would you be happy if she bought you season tickets to the *mets*???

After all-it IS a gift right?

But really-I doubt any yankees fan will really want to go to a year's worth of mets games!

 

[Dancing Fire]

hey,i''ve been buying my wife jewelry for years now and she haven''t complaint yet. geez,isn''t this gift? take it or leave it !!

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:49:28 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
hey,i''ve been buying my wife jewelry for years now and she haven''t complaint yet. geez,isn''t this gift? take it or leave it !!

That''s one way to look at it, and if your wife is made happy by your gifts, then you''re set. (Though weren''t you just complaining about her not wearing the ring you got her? Just sayin''...

)

Another way to look at it is that we all have things we like, things we would like, things we want... what''s wrong with trying to get someone something they specifically want if that''s an option?

Isn''t that the entire point of wedding registries? Whether you like registries or not, there is certainly merit to being able to find something that you know the receiver will love, instead of it being a crap-shoot. Some people really enjoy the crap-shoot, though. I myself am not a gambler, so I prefer to purchase something as a gift that I know the recipient really wants.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:42:02 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/6/2009 1:17:01 PM
Author: musey
My then-boyfriend and I considered the e-ring a joint purchase symbolizing out mutual decision to get married.

As such, we chose the ring together.


As for requesting it to be from a particular store... for some people, it''s very exciting and meaningful to have their engagement ring (or wedding ring, or anything really) come from a particular place. They just plain like the idea of it. I see no harm in communicating that desire to one''s partner... as the idea of an e-ring is to get something SHE will love, right?

Well, for the good ones, it is.

Well said. After all-don''t we ALL often tell our spouses/parents/friends about things we''d love to get as gifts? And where to get them? I know when my DH tells me that there is something he wants I don''t go and buy something that''s similar but not the one he wants!!!

For example if you are a man who likes sports and you tell your wife you''d LOOOOVE season tickets to the *yankees* would you be happy if she bought you season tickets to the *mets*???

After all-it IS a gift right?

But really-I doubt any yankees fan will really want to go to a year''s worth of mets games!

Good analogy, nf!

 

[Shoopy]

DF you always seem to take one-off posts and generalize amongst all women. If I didnt know better, I would think you had something against women in general. Not all "young girls" request where their BF''s buy a ring or how big the diamond should be or what kind of quality.

 

[Kaleigh]

She should wear a ring she loves. I don''t get the big deal about women who say they don''t love the ring. They are the ones to wear it, so they should have some say about what they will get for an ering. Within reason of course. I do feel for the guys feelings, I get that I really do. But this day and age, many women want a say in what ering they get. I see nothing wrong in that.

 

[Bliss]

Speaking in general terms, love isn't giving another person what YOU want to give them or what is most convenient or easiest for YOU... It's about giving your loved one what *they* want and need.

I'm not even talking about diamonds but about gifts and giving in general.

Giving isn't about YOU, it's about doing something SELFLESS for once. The whole POINT of giving is doing something nice for the other person, isn't it? It's not about YOU the giver, it's about the one you LOVE, the recipient. At least, that's what I was taught and believe. When I give DH a gift, it isn't what I WANT to give him. It's about what would make HIM happy. Otherwise, what's the point?

That doesn't address your example of a girl who demands a 3 ct D IF. Because most people who are in mature relationships know their budgets and parameters. So I don't think many women are going to ask for things that would hurt their future (shared) finances. It's kind of a poor myth used to justify giving women whatever and saying it's good enough and they should be grateful for anything.

I think that's disrespectful to women in general. Women aren't for the most part unreasonable and greedy. Women run corporations these days and lead in the US Senate, run nations, households and much much more. We are fully capable of being reasonable and smart about finances and all matters logical. In almost all cases even on this diamond forum, PS women very happily contributed to their e-rings or worked within their FI's budgets. The anecdote about a woman demanding such things is a hurtful myth and perpetuates the incorrect notion that women deep down are illogical materialistic cats. Not true! We rock. We're amazing. And we bring a LOT to the table!!!

Sure, there are some anomalies - but that's rare. We shouldn't be judged as a gender because of a few statistical outliers.

 

[Kelli]

Sure it is, but lots of couples pick out the rings together now. I don''t see it as a bad thing. It is the woman''s decision too after all. I do think it''s kind of unfair that the guy doesn''t get something too, but my fiance bought a couple guitars to celebrate our engagement.

 

[Kelli]

And btw I would NEVER suggest I get a ring that was over a reasonable budget. Asking for 3 ct D IF HW rings is not the same thing as having a say in what style you''d like, or even what store it comes from so long as it''s within budget.

 

[Rhea]

Yes, it is a gift, but a thoughtful gift giver tries to please the giftee. Why shouldn''t someone get some say in a ring that they will wear everyday? My DH sure did get say in his engagement ring and wedding band! No man, or woman, wants to have their partner look down at their hand and say, "it''s the thought that counts." I want my partner to be really pleased with what I give him.

We do make gift lists and point each other in the right direction for any gift.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I can think of a few reasons why the girl might want input....

1) Certain vendors (like mall stores) are generally a rip-off. I would strongly prefer SO didn't go that route as I KNOW he wouldn't be getting the 'bang for his buck' that he could get elsewhere. And that does matter to me as our finances are already somewhat comingled-- plus we need to save for the wedding. I don't want him to spend 7k on something he could've gotten for 5k with the help of Pricescope!

So for this reason, I have sent SO some links to WF settings & diamonds in an effort to encourage him to go that route... but ultimately, it's still his call and if he feels more comfy going the IRL route then so be it.

2) Most women plan to wear their engagement ring every day. Considering that, and the money that will go into the ring, I want to like it! I would NEVER purchase a big-ticket present for SO like a flatscreen without his input. Hell, I let him pick out his foosball table as a birthday present and that was only hundreds of dollars, not thousands.

3) Not to mention, if SO completely disregarded my preferences and personal style, I would be upset and feel like he didn't know me very well at all. Buying whatever you prefer and expecting your partner to like it in spite of or regardless of their own tastes isn't the most considerate thing in the world. [I saw the thread that I think spawned this thread, however, and I think that case was mostly miscommunication]

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

I don''t see this as being that different than going shopping with a boyfriend and picking out the engagement ring, or registering for wedding gifts at a certain store.
I wouldn''t want a wife who insisted I buy her brand name jewelry, but some people don''t mind that -- some men even prefer that their partners have strong opinions and ''discerning'' tastes.

 

[TravelingGal]

Yes, it is a gift.

A gift women want because it is TRADITIONAL to present her with one at the time of engagement.

It is traditional for men to save money and buy the ring to present.

The problem these days is that many women these days want the TRADITION of the ring but want the modern method of choosing what she wants to wear because SHE has to wear it for the rest of her life.

Which is fine. HOWEVER...

If HE is traditional as well and HE is paying for it, he should also have some say in what he wants to give. JMHO.

If SHE doesn't like it and is demanding of exactly what type of ring she wants, then perhaps she has no interest in tradition and should bloody well buy her own g*ddamn ring and freaking propose to herself!

 

[Steel]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

I don''t know if I understand the question.

Many of us have posted in RT that we think it might be best for the ring purchased to be returned and an alternative purchased online with PS help. How is that materially different to the girl ''requesting'' the ring be purchased from x vendor in the first place?

Why shouldn''t you daughter request a 3+ D IF from HW? Would it be shocking? If your daughter is to become the third wife of the Sultan of Brunei then she may not expect any less...

It is all relative.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Normally, I don't respond to these threads, but this one I feel is a little offensive. Just the way the question is asked...

demand[/i] a certain ring from their BF. They go and look at rings together and then either follow throughout the whole process even picking the stone, to some just stopping after they found the kind of ring they like.

As a young girl, I have been active in the process of choosing my ring. I didn't request a certain ring, we looked together and I decided I wanted one. I think that it is somewhat of a gift, since we are splitting the cost. I think the gift part of it is my BF asking me to spend the rest of my life with him..

Another thing- you can tell your daughters to "request" whatever ring you want- but they should get what they want... right? You wouldn't want your daughters unhappy with a ring their BF's picked out for them without their input and then they hated it...

 

[Dancing Fire]

i have no problem with the girl picking the setting that she loves,but the diamond?

who cares where the well cut stone came from.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Maybe you need to be more specific... no where in the first post did I see anything specifically asking about where the diamond is from?

 

[purrfectpear]

I think it''s all about where you draw the line between graciousness and grabbiness.

Let''s say a SO or Hubs says he wants to buy you a car as a surprise present.

IMO, it''s OK to say I''d like a 2 seater, a stick shift, red if possible, and nothing British Leyland please. As a result, I might receive anything between a used Miata @ $6K or a Lambo @ $350K. It''s totally up to him and his budget. It''s a GIFT.

It''s over the top to say I want a Porsche Boxster, stick shift, must be red, and you must purchase it from the Beverly Hills dealership.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:00:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i have no problem with the girl picking the setting that she loves,but the diamond?

who cares where the well cut stone came from.

I can''t speak for all of the high-end stores, but Tiffany is a package deal. If she wants a ring from Tiffany, the diamond has to come from there, too. For some women it''s about the setting, for some it''s about the diamond (either the IDEA of the Tiffany diamond, or a branded cut), for some it''s about the package. Does it matter which element holds importance to them?


I can''t imagine a woman caring whether her diamond came from GOG or Whiteflash or James Allen, all things being equal... but for a branded piece, it''s a different story.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/6/2009 2:57:34 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

I don''t know if I understand the question.

Many of us have posted in RT that we think it might be best for the ring purchased to be returned and an alternative purchased online with PS help. How is that materially different to the girl ''requesting'' the ring be purchased from x vendor in the first place?

Why shouldn''t you daughter request a 3+ D IF from HW? Would it be shocking? If your daughter is to become the third wife of the Sultan of Brunei then she may not expect any less...

It is all relative.

sooo,IYO...if Bill Gates didn''t buy his wife a D IF 20ct then she had been cheated?

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:00:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i have no problem with the girl picking the setting that she loves,but the diamond?

who cares where the well cut stone came from.

Good thing you''re not getting engaged soon, then.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:04:54 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think it''s all about where you draw the line between graciousness and grabbiness.

Let''s say a SO or Hubs says he wants to buy you a car as a surprise present.

IMO, it''s OK to say I''d like a 2 seater, a stick shift, red if possible, and nothing British Leyland please. As a result, I might receive anything between a used Miata @ $6K or a Lambo @ $350K. It''s totally up to him and his budget. It''s a GIFT.

It''s over the top to say I want a Porsche Boxster, stick shift, must be red, and you must purchase it from the Beverly Hills dealership.

I think you''re right that it''s all about where people draw their own lines. You feel it''s over the top to request the above package (porsche boxster, stick shift, red, from BH dealer), but for some people in some situations maybe it isn''t ??

I think it''s the combination of all things. Is it okay for you to say what you want is the Porsche Boxster in red? Because that''s about comparable to the RT thread in question... it sounded like all she specified was style and brand (and apparently that was important to her, for whatever reason... though I question whether the real issue was just the inclusion and NOT the brand/vendor that the boyfriend chose, though that is beside the point in this thread, I suppose).

Your "over the top" example would be more akin to her saying she wants a Tiffany solitaire of at least 2.5 cts., color above F, purchased from the store located on Rodeo Drive. Which she didn''t.


For the record, for me, I was uncomfortable "asking for" anything. The closest I got was "hey, what do you think of ____________." Every couple has their own comfort zones.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:12:11 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/6/2009 2:57:34 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 5/6/2009 12:44:04 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
after reading that RT thread.since when does a girl get to request where her bf buys the E-ring?

isn''t an E-ring still consider a GIFT nowadays? maybe i should tell my daughters to request a 3+ct D IF from HW when they get engage

I don''t know if I understand the question.

Many of us have posted in RT that we think it might be best for the ring purchased to be returned and an alternative purchased online with PS help. How is that materially different to the girl ''requesting'' the ring be purchased from x vendor in the first place?

Why shouldn''t you daughter request a 3+ D IF from HW? Would it be shocking? If your daughter is to become the third wife of the Sultan of Brunei then she may not expect any less...

It is all relative.

sooo,IYO...if Bill Gates didn''t buy his wife a D IF 20ct then she had been cheated?

No, if Bill Gates'' wife had requested a certain ring, they''d discussed it and agreed to the priorities of the piece, and he''d gone and bought something different... then she would have a right to be bothered by it.

Saying she had been "cheated" is sort of off-topic, in my opinion. It''s more an issue of respect between the two partners - if they''ve shared ideas and come to an agreement in a reasonable fashion, then it would be inappropriate for him to get something different without discussing it first.


This includes a scenario in which he could have said "You know, it really would mean a lot more to me to pick something out for you, than to figure it all out together." Then it would be her job to either say "Okay, honey." or "I love you honey, but that doesn''t work for me, because _________."