Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

I don''t think it''s ever going to happen. (Vent)

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
Hi I''m new here. I just thought there might be someone here who understands.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years. We are very happy and have discussed marriage before. A few weeks ago he started talking about it non-stop. He would bring it up every single day. He asked me about rings etc. So I thought he was going to start looking for one. I got really excited and sort of told him what I wanted, did the research etc.
He''s a photographer and he doesn''t make a lot of money, so I knew he would have to save up a lot. He doesn''t get the salary he deserves but he also doesn''t have the guts to ask for more so that''s a huge issue (finances). I spoke to him about it this weekend and told him he has to start thinking about his future because he will never be able to buy a house, or save any money, or retire. He seemed to agree with me.
Anyway, so his brother got engaged yesterday. His fiancee is really young, she only just turned 21. Today we drove home from their engagement party and he brought it up again and said he would be saving for years to buy me a ring. Then he started talking about the new car he wants to buy (an EXTRA car, he''s not even selling the one he has now) and I said he shouldn''t drown himself in debt (I didn''t mention that he can''t buy a ring, but can somehow buy a car). So he said that he should ask for a raise and I just said yes because otherwise how will we ever get married. And he started going on about how young we are etc etc. (We are in our mid 20s, it''s not too young in my opinion). He''s not romantic or the type to surprise me, so I know he is serious about the car and about everything else.
I know a lot of women here have waited a lot longer, but I don''t want to be strung along for years and years. He''s at the age where he should be thinking about his future, and he seemed to be, but now he''s being so irresponsible with cash etc.
I have a really really bad feeling that this is a sign that I''m going to be one of those girls who have been waiting for years and years and nothing happens because he''ll never have money and will become too old to do anything else.
I really don''t want to wait til my mid-30s to start having kids etc.

I''m not sure what I''m looking for here, I just feel like I can''t talk to anyone.
 

bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
First, welcome!

Secondly, I understand where you are coming from. I am one of those girls who has been waiting YEARS and YEARS... haha. Will be 7 years this year. We are supposed to be engaged by the absolute latest of June 9th.

Anyway, we are both 24 and by the time when we get married October of 2010, I will be 11 days short of 26 and he''ll be 4 months shy of being 26. Yes, we are still young. But like you, I don''t want to just be starting to have kids after I''m 30.

I get what you mean about saving money. It wasn''t until about a year and a half ago that he finally realized that a mustang and a corvette is not practical. He sold them and bought an SUV. He did buy a motorcycle however, which I thought was just a phase and he''d quickly get rid of it. (Little did I know, I too would become addicted to it! haha) A year+ ago, he traded that bike in for a much more expensive one... I was beyond mad. Seriously. We didn''t need another bike, the one we had was just fine. And considering that we were finally planning to move out of his moms house and get our OWN place, I thought that he''d realize buying something out of our price range was very stupid. (I have to admit, the bike actually was very practical b/c the one we had we had totally outgrown and pretty much wasn''t ''safe'' for us anymore. So he was right in upgrading... but it could have waited, you know?) Anyway, we''ve been trying to sell the new bike for a couple months now... A bike accident he had months ago has caused him to realize just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. So, he''s grown up both because of that and because he realizes how impractical things are now. BUT I thought he''d NEVER get over the whole buying things on impulse. Seriously, I thought that was a never ending road. But life works in mysterious way and I think had it not been for that bike accident, he would still be throwing his money away on stupid things.

I don''t know what it will take to make your BF realize that money doesn''t grow on trees and there are other more important things in life to "invest" in... but I know one day, he will see the light. Men mature so much slower than us women... and that''s not to put men down at all... but it is true. Let him get it out of his system on his own b/c if you force him into it, it will only take longer. Sucks... but again, it''s true.

By all means, sit him down and talk to him. Ask him what his priorities are... is the new car more important to him than a commitment to you? You''ll be able to feel him out by his answers. If you don''t like the sound of things then you have a decision to make. Only you know how long you''re willing to wait for him to "grow up" and you need to make it known that you won''t wait forever. Again, you can''t force him to grow up... but you can help speed it up maybe. He''s got to figure out what''s most important... and only then will you have your answer.

I know I ramble a lot... but I hope you at least took something from all that babbling I just did above... haha. I am totally here for you so vent all you want lady!
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
Thanks! It''s so good to know that someone GETS it. We''re the same age. I''m 24 too. He''s 26.
I''m so frustrated and I just want to scream GROW UP and GROW A BACKBONE!!! He could be making more money if he just asked or pushed himself. He worries so much about finances but then spends money on the stupidest things!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

ha ha!

My BF also wants to buy a bike...
which he also can''t afford at all. I haven''t spoken to him about it because I don''t want to prevent him from doing stuff that he will resent me for later.
I really love him but I also don''t want to marry someone who is going to accumulate debt like this. This is the only thing that bothers me in our relationship.

So what happens if your BF doesn''t make the deadline?
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
It also bugs me that he made me think it will happen soon and then tells me we are too young... he will have to save for years blah blah blah.
That''s just cruel.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Welcome
The one tiny bit of advice that I''d probably give is that I wouldn''t personally get engaged until he can better handle his finances. If you are good with handling yours, I''d be wary of getting engaged/married to someone that isnt. It just seems to be that he wants it all, without having the money for it all-engagement/marriage/another car. Is there any way that you can sit down with him and work out a savings plan or just talk in general about the finances. I remember reading before that it''s the number one reason why couples fight, so if you''re not happy with the way he''s paid, or that he won''t ask for a raise, it''s probably best to get that on the table and discuss it now. Hopefully your engagement isn''t too far off!
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Date: 4/12/2009 3:53:33 PM
Author: kribbie
It also bugs me that he made me think it will happen soon and then tells me we are too young... he will have to save for years blah blah blah.
That''s just cruel.
I get the feeling that the reason why he said that you are too young is because you have been stressing him out over the financial situation.

Don''t get me wrong. What you are saying makes total sense and its smart to think about. But its also kind of putting him down when you start talking about how he isn''t saving for a house or retirement and needs more money and needs to think about the future. Again, all valid points but I''m sure that what he''s going through right now is feeling stressed out over everything and realizing he won''t be able to get you the ring you love. So now he''s using the "we''re too young" as an excuse.

If you are really concerned about his future, then why stress yourself out over the two of you getting married. If he proposes tomorrow and his financial situation is the way it is, you won''t be getting married any time soon. I guess the question to ask yourself is if it does take him a few years to save up money for the things that you want and rightfully deserve, are you willing to wait?
 

bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
Date: 4/12/2009 3:49:46 PM
Author: kribbie
Thanks! It''s so good to know that someone GETS it. We''re the same age. I''m 24 too. He''s 26.

I''m so frustrated and I just want to scream GROW UP and GROW A BACKBONE!!! He could be making more money if he just asked or pushed himself. He worries so much about finances but then spends money on the stupidest things!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


ha ha!


My BF also wants to buy a bike...
which he also can''t afford at all. I haven''t spoken to him about it because I don''t want to prevent him from doing stuff that he will resent me for later.

I really love him but I also don''t want to marry someone who is going to accumulate debt like this. This is the only thing that bothers me in our relationship.



So what happens if your BF doesn''t make the deadline?
Like I said, I would talk to him. See where exactly he stands on getting engaged. Sounds like he''s not ready to grow up... which if that is the case and he doesn''t want to get engaged for a few more years then he needs to tell you this now. Make it known that he can''t string you along. The last thing you want is for him to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. You want and NEED to hear the TRUTH even if it does hurt. You''ll be better off in the end that way. Also, I''d talk to him about his finances. Not in a putting him down kind of way though... be careful with how you say it and your wording. Don''t make him feel bad about it all. Some people just really have a hard time with finances. Make sure he knows you''re there for him too... that you''re a team and you''re always by his side.

If my BF doesn''t make the deadline? Well, considering HE made the deadline... which WAS originally the end of this month but he changed it to June 9th b/c that''s the last day of our cruise and well, he spilled the beans that he wants to do it on the cruise. I''m not real happy that I pretty much know when it''s gonna happen but I don''t know EVERYTHING about what he''s planning so I''m still excited. And also, I''m just happy it''s FINALLY happening! haha... BUT if he doesn''t for some reason... I''ve made it known that I will not wait any longer. That it will be the end of us. I''m not getting any younger... lol.
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
I can COMPELETY understand how you feel. My SO did the same thing to me, with the bringing up weddings and marriage and asking about rings and dresses and places and etc..... but my SO says he isnt ready yet, and just that. I dont get a reason why is isnt ready, he just says he isnt ready, but than a day later he is mentioning rings and weddings AGAIN! he friggin driving me nuts. I think the reason why he isnt ready is because he was married before and it ended in a BAD divorce. I know it cant be his age, because he is older....so yea, i know how you feel. Hey! maybe make him engagement chicken, i made it to a T so im keeping my fingers crossed.....
 

ilovesparkles

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 13, 2006
Messages
2,389
That is completely frustrating! I am lucky, I had to ask my beau to perhaps wait a little longer to save up m ore money and he wouldn''t hear of it! My good friend at work, her BF says he doesn''t want to get married until he is 32! Like that is his goal! They are 25 now and have been together for about 2 or 3 years. Eeeks! I think you have gotten some really good advice here and talk to him about it indeed. Good luck!
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
inhisarms17, it sucks that you know when it will happen, but I''m so happy for you that he actually made the deadline and is biting the bullet. I really hope it''s very special and everything you have been dreaming of for 7 years. :)

Thanks everyone. I have to find the right words and try to speak to him about it. I think it will be tough to do it in a way that won''t emasculate him, but... it has to be done!
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 4/12/2009 3:37:18 PM
Author: inhisarms17
Anyway, we are both 24 and by the time when we get married October of 2010, I will be 11 days short of 26 and he'll be 4 months shy of being 26. Yes, we are still young. But like you, I don't want to just be starting to have kids after I'm 30.
Hi there!

I'm a ring-in on this board of PS, because actually I'm married, so I hope my 'opinion' doesn't p*p you off too much!


Just wanted to say that I was totally where you gals are now, and fortunately it all worked out in the end! Not through my good management, I don't think, particularly, a lot of luck was mixed up in there as well!

Anyway, this aspect you're describing in this quote - the OMG-once-I'm-30-all-the-wheels-fall-off feeling - is something I had, hey, maybe we all have it, women are really freaked out about age, and very soon learn that being older + a woman = worthless ... or something like that.

I guess if we didn't have a fear of aging, we wouldn't press ahead and get things done!

Anyway, I was very aware of 'not wasting my time' - but whaddyaknow, I did... and then suddenly at the age of 32 found myself married with my first baby on the way.
And although I'm still pretty pipped at spending all that 20s time in high anxiety, I have discovered that getting married a little later was really not a bad trip for me!

I'm still attractive, men are still nice to me, and my husband is much nicer than the frogs I was busy trying to turn into princes all that time as well! I know I would have preferred to be with my man right from the start... but because I've had all the adventure, I don't feel bored or trapped by the 'burbs. I'm happy!

So this long story is basically just a round about way of saying 'try to enjoy the journey' and 'don't fret about getting old' because one day you'll be in your 30s... and you'll still be beautiful. Regardless of how you felt about your 'old-looking' mother!!



I hope you hang around kribbie, this board's a great place for younger / single / any age girls trying to find their way, and I wish I had this resource myself, when I really REALLY needed it. Angst is a waste of time!

L.
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
I guess sometimes things will happen later sometimes no matter how badly we want it now.

Thanks, I will definitely stick around. I''m so happy I found this forum. I don''t think I could get this support anywhere else. :)
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
Date: 4/12/2009 3:59:12 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Date: 4/12/2009 3:53:33 PM

Author: kribbie

It also bugs me that he made me think it will happen soon and then tells me we are too young... he will have to save for years blah blah blah.

That''s just cruel.
I get the feeling that the reason why he said that you are too young is because you have been stressing him out over the financial situation.


Don''t get me wrong. What you are saying makes total sense and its smart to think about. But its also kind of putting him down when you start talking about how he isn''t saving for a house or retirement and needs more money and needs to think about the future. Again, all valid points but I''m sure that what he''s going through right now is feeling stressed out over everything and realizing he won''t be able to get you the ring you love. So now he''s using the ''we''re too young'' as an excuse.


If you are really concerned about his future, then why stress yourself out over the two of you getting married. If he proposes tomorrow and his financial situation is the way it is, you won''t be getting married any time soon. I guess the question to ask yourself is if it does take him a few years to save up money for the things that you want and rightfully deserve, are you willing to wait?
Hit the nail on the head. yes, its a silly reason to use excuses, but think if it was the other way around (him saying this to you). I know i would be defensive.
i think your next step is a more secure timeline, not just "when we get married", etc.

good luck *hugs*
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
The thing is, last year he said that he wants to get engaged this year and married next year. Now he''s going on about "a couple of years". What''s his deal?
I don''t want to keep asking and put too much pressure on him.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Date: 4/14/2009 1:29:59 PM
Author: kribbie
The thing is, last year he said that he wants to get engaged this year and married next year. Now he''s going on about ''a couple of years''. What''s his deal?
I don''t want to keep asking and put too much pressure on him.
I would keep an open dialogue with him... not asking, where are we going, per se.. but just honestly discussing your confusion.

XXX, I cannot help but be confused. You had told me you wanted to be engaged this year, and married next at one point, and now your stance is you want to wait a couple of years. I am sorry if I sound like I am just not getting this, but I don''t understand. Could you please explain to me why you are having this change of heart?

and see... is it money, where he is in life, etc etc etc.. some of these aren''t deal breakers. Just maintain the discussion - openly and honestly.

best wishes!
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
Hi all! Thanks so much for all the advice. I spoke to him about it today. He seemed really happy that I would want to get engaged this year, but he said that he is not in a financial position to do that yet, and he wants everything to be perfect when the time comes. He said that he doesn''t want to get engaged when there are still financial burdens on him.
And the best part... he is asking for a raise this week, and not buying the new car until he can afford it.
I didn''t pressurise him, I took you advice and it seems like it is all going to work out!
I''m so much more relaxed now and feeling like it will happen when it''s meant to, and when it does it will be perfect!
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
glad to hear you''re talk went well, it sounds like your SO is making a good effort to work on his finances, and hopefully he''ll be able to afford the perfect ring soon!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Diamond Jewelry For 4th Of July Quarantine Celebrations
    Diamond Jewelry For 4th Of July Quarantine Celebrations
    Fancy Greyish Yellowish Green Diamond
    Fancy Greyish Yellowish Green Diamond
    Phenomenal 3.01ct Cushion Brilliant Cut Engagement Ring
    Phenomenal 3.01ct Cushion Brilliant Cut Engagement Ring

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top