I dont think Im ever going to be engaged??

[genesis]

Hi everyone, a little backstory..

I have been with my man for almost 8 years, im 29, hes 33.

We first started talking about marriage about a year ago, and we are both on the same page so far about everything such as the type of wedding we want, timelines etc.

The last time we spoke about it my partner said something that is stuck in my head.

He said " I dont actually want to be engaged, I dont really see the point in it, I just want to sell the house, and use the money to get another house, and marry you"

Basically, once we sell the house and we have the money he just wants to get married right away.

Hes actually said that before in an earlier conversation.

I feel like I am missing out in a way, are my feelings justified? how would you feel?

 

[babycush]

On the one hand, you know that he wants to commit to you. He wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. No doubt about it!

On the other hand, he doesn''t seem to be taking what YOU want into consideration. What does that even mean, "I don''t want to be engaged?" Like, he just wants to wake up one day and say "honey, let''s just run down to city hall real quick". Maybe he wants to avoid the big circus wedding, doesn''t want to make it about other people, just wants to keep it between you two and family, etc etc. But that certainly doesn''t preclude an engagement in my mind at least.

What do you want out of being engaged? A time to plan the wedding? A time to show off the ring (DUH, esp here in LIW)? A time to enjoy a momentous occasion in your relationship? If being officially ''engaged'' is so important to you, tell him, and tell him why. You are half of the relationship and you deserve to have your wants and needs met just as much as he does.

 

[missy]

That''s a tough one as it really does depend on the individual. However, maybe a short engagement period is better than none as at least it will give you time to anticipate getting married and share the excitement with your friends and family. It can be considered semantics though as you already know you want to spend the rest of your lives together and are getting married

What are your plans concerning an engagement ring? Bypassing an engagement doesn''t mean he will be bypassing the proposal and ring does it? That would be upsetting to me. There is something very romantic about the proposal and your true love saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and getting engaged.

The length of engagement perhaps less important depending on what you are looking for out of the engagement period. We didn''t have an engagement party per se just a big party with our friends at our shore house. No gifts allowed and we had it during the memorial day weekend- so it was more a beginning of summer party though it was between the time we got engaged and got married.

Having said that I would say since you want an engagement you should seriously discuss this with your intended and tell him exactly how you feel. Communication is key in any successful relationship and no sense in choking back your feelings. There is no right and wrong when dealing with feelings IMO.

Best of luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!

Melissa

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/1/2010 9:14:53 AM
Author:genesis

I feel like I am missing out in a way, are my feelings justified? how would you feel?

Of course your feelings are justified! This is your life too. You get just as much a say in how you get married as he does.

What did you say when he said that he didn''t see the point in being engaged? Did you tell him that you would like an engagement period and/or a wedding? If not, you should let him know!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/1/2010 9:14:53 AM
Author:genesis

I feel like I am missing out in a way, are my feelings justified? how would you feel?

Yes, your feelings are definitely justified. The engagement period has been a very special and fun time in my relationship, and I would hate to see someone else miss out on it (if it''s what they want). You can have a short engagement period, if that''s a compromise you''re willing to make.

 

[genesis]

I think its because of his past experiences, his friends all had very long engagemennts. his closest friend was engaged for just over ten years, another friend was engaged for 8, and from what he has told me/said in the past he would just rather get married so we can "get on with our lives together".

Hes quite a shy person if that has anything to do with it, and has already said that he would only want family and a few close friends at the actual wedding, that suits me too as i hate to be the centre of attention to be honest, for me, the samller the better.

As for the actual "engagement" i know that he will get me a ring, I remember saying to him the last time we spoke about it, how will it work? if you dont want to be engaged? he said he wants to get me a ring, and he "has plans" about how and where he wants to ask, but thats all he told me about it. thats when he said that he would rather just get married.

So going off whats he said, I think it will be a case of, asking me, giving me the ring, then getting married.

He has said in the past that he cant wait to be married, he has told his parents that im the one for him and im the one he will marry.

 

[missy]

Date: 3/1/2010 10:17:44 AM
Author: genesis
I think its because of his past experiences, his friends all had very long engagemennts. his closest friend was engaged for just over ten years, another friend was engaged for 8, and from what he has told me/said in the past he would just rather get married so we can 'get on with our lives together'.


Hes quite a shy person if that has anything to do with it, and has already said that he would only want family and a few close friends at the actual wedding, that suits me too as i hate to be the centre of attention to be honest, for me, the samller the better.


As for the actual 'engagement' i know that he will get me a ring, I remember saying to him the last time we spoke about it, how will it work? if you dont want to be engaged? he said he wants to get me a ring, and he 'has plans' about how and where he wants to ask, but thats all he told me about it. thats when he said that he would rather just get married.


So going off whats he said, I think it will be a case of, asking me, giving me the ring, then getting married.


He has said in the past that he cant wait to be married, he has told his parents that im the one for him and im the one he will marry.

That's all great stuff to hear for sure! He loves you, he cannot wait to get married, he is planning on proposing and putting an ering on your finger

All good!

I hear you about the shy part but having a short engagement shouldn't add any distress to your fiance. There is quite a difference b/w an 8 year engagement and an 8 month engagement (or less if that is what you both want).
What do you want from an engagement period and for how long do you want that engagement period to be? That's the question you need to think about and discuss with him because now is the time.

It all sounds good to me and best of luck! The man of your dreams loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The rest you can work out. But I agree that your needs are just as important as his so discuss this with him.

Melissa

 

[LilyKat]

It sounds like you just have different concepts of "engagement". To you (and most people!), it means a proposal with a ring, and then a period of wedding planning. To him, it means a whole separate stage in a relationship lasting for years on end (going by what his friends did). It sounds like he means he doesn''t want to delay your marriage for 10 years while you get through the "engagement" stage - which is fine!

Just tell him what you want. Relationships are about compromise - he should be willing to do the proposal-ring-planning part if it makes you happy, provided you will agree to a smaller, simpler low-key wedding and a short engagement. Everyone wins.

 

[Winks_Elf]

What would he say if you tell him, "Why wait? Plan to go in to work late tomorrow so we can get the license, and take the day off on Friday so we can go get married." (Most states have a 3 day cooling off period between when you can get the license and when you can get married.) If you are married before the current house is sold, it should legally be considered half of your money as well, despite whatever input you had during the buying process of it.

Some men don''t see the point in spending thousands of dollars on a wedding when that money can go towards a house or other living expenses, and I am starting to see the logic in it. Gowns, tux rentals, flowers, photography, limos, invitations...it can get VERY expensive, and considering the economy? That all adds up to one very expensive party. The wedding day is a special day, but it''s just the first day of the marriage.

And yes, if you had your heart set on an engagement period and a big wedding, you are absolutely justified.

 

[Indylady]

Does he have a cultural reason for somewhat "skipping" an engagement?

I have a few friends whose cultures don''t really emphasize an engagement period or an engagement ring. Its basically seen as a minor step, and sometimes individuals will agree to marry and hold a small party a few months or weeks prior to their wedding that is the engagement party, without a private proposal, etc.

 

[Echidna]

Date: 3/1/2010 1:20:11 PM
Author: LilyKat
It sounds like you just have different concepts of ''engagement''.

Just tell him what you want. Relationships are about compromise - he should be willing to do the proposal-ring-planning part if it makes you happy, provided you will agree to a smaller, simpler low-key wedding and a short engagement. Everyone wins.

Lilykat is a woman wise in the ways of men. Listen to her

 

[jewelz617]

My opinion probably doesn''t count because I was "engaged" for a whopping 3 weeks before my husband and I married at city hall.

But being engaged wasn''t important to me. I just wanted to be married to my husband and start life together. That was my priority. That is not to diminish what is important to you. If you feel as though you are somehow missing out on anything, you can surely reach a compromise.

Maybe what stuck in your head is that you felt he was telling you how things would be rather than asking?

 

[janinegirly]

i think there are some pieces of information missing--why does he want this? Is it because he'd rather avoid buying the engagement ring? Avoid the proposal? The hype that folllows? The wedding planning--and just wants to elope? Or all of the above.

Those are my questions--and whichever it is, it depends on how important that piece is to you.

The good news is he wants to marry you..which is what it's all about anyway.

ETA: jsut read your 2nd post--i still don't quite understand, he somehow asks the question with ring and then "you go and get married"..what like you're somewhere on vacation where you can get married immediately?

 

[RaiKai]

I guess it depends on what being "engaged" means to you. If it is important to you to have that period of time of "official engagement" for whatever reason, then I do understand where you are coming from however I would advise you to reflect as to WHY that period of engagement is important. Do you really feel that right now you aren''t engaged or planning to be married?

For myself, the "engagement" period itself was never important. When my husband asked me to marry him (quite spontaneously via a text message and without a ring - long story!) we both just wanted to get married! Some might have not seen our engagement as a traditional engagement - there was no ring after all and it WAS a text message...but to us it sure was. I mean, for me that is what an engagement is - a decision to get married! We would of been quite happy going to the courthouse or eloping, however, after some thought decided to have a mini-destination wedding with VERY close family. We too already lived together. We were already committed. We had always had a very emotionally open and vulnerable relationship so had already discussed everything under the sun. So, we planned a wedding and we were married ten weeks later in a very small wedding.

My mother and stepfather who have been together 25 years deciding about three weeks ago to get married...and got married a week ago. Not much of an engagement there (I think they will make it though .

Anyway, I don''t feel like we missed out in anyway. We already were committed to one another, and did not feel we missed out by skipping the traditional engagement. The only thing that I "missed out" on was an e-ring but that was by my own choice at the time, and now I am looking to get one made

I would NOT get engaged unless I was seriously actually ready to get married. So, to me having an "engagement" is really not necessary to "test the waters". For me the engagement period is not the time to START finally talking about our expectations for marriage (of course the discussions always continue!), or all of that - that is done BEFORE the engagement or decision to marry. However, I also know plenty of people who don''t start discussing the serious issues until engagement, or plan a massive wedding, and want a longer period of engagement.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/1/2010 10:31:04 AM
Author: missy

Date: 3/1/2010 10:17:44 AM

Author: genesis

I think its because of his past experiences, his friends all had very long engagemennts. his closest friend was engaged for just over ten years, another friend was engaged for 8, and from what he has told me/said in the past he would just rather get married so we can ''get on with our lives together''.



Hes quite a shy person if that has anything to do with it, and has already said that he would only want family and a few close friends at the actual wedding, that suits me too as i hate to be the centre of attention to be honest, for me, the samller the better.



As for the actual ''engagement'' i know that he will get me a ring, I remember saying to him the last time we spoke about it, how will it work? if you dont want to be engaged? he said he wants to get me a ring, and he ''has plans'' about how and where he wants to ask, but thats all he told me about it. thats when he said that he would rather just get married.



So going off whats he said, I think it will be a case of, asking me, giving me the ring, then getting married.



He has said in the past that he cant wait to be married, he has told his parents that im the one for him and im the one he will marry.

Reading this post I think...well, is this not an engagement? It sounds to me like he maybe does not want to wait a long time between getting engaged and getting married, or to have a big wedding. Do you?

There are plenty of ways to have a short engagement period and a small wedding. Like I said, my husband and I were married ten weeks after our engagement, and we had a super small wedding (sixteen guests). I know a couple who decided to get married (they got engaged via a toothpick formed into a circle) and kept it quiet from all but the photographer, officiant and cake maker...until about 1.5 hours before the ceremony when they invited only their parents!