I don''t know what to do!

[therightone]

BF and I have been together 7+ years, he says we'll be engaged within the next couple months. He hasn't been very gung-ho about getting married. Although he says he wants to, I see no real actions from him that make it seem as though that it is what he really wants. We always talk about when we're married and when we'll have children but I believe that the only reason he's even talking about proposing in a few months is because of my wanting to be engaged. In other words if I hadn't mentioned it then he wouldn't have even bothered to bring it up yet. He says this isn't so but well, we're past that point so who really knows? Anyway, we broke up about 3 years ago for a couple months b/c he felt he needed to see what else was out there. We were fairly young when we got together (16 and 17) so therefore he felt he never really got to experience any other relationships. In a way, I understood but well, when he broke up with me he also mentioned that he liked a girl he'd been hanging out with. So umm, yeah, I thought this break up was about HIM and no one else? That went right out the window! So we break up, he dates this girl right away and about 2 months later he comes crawling back to me saying he made a mistake and he was sorry. So we get back together only for him to screw around on me again. This went on for about 6 months... back and forth between me and this girl. I know, I should have walked then but I just loved this guy so much I didn't want to walk away. To make a long story short, he finally made up his mind and we got back together. Here it is 3 years since that all happened and we have our own place, 2 cats, and talking marriage.

However, as much as I'd like to say I'm completely over all that emotional trauma, I'm just not. I have come a LONG way and he's earned about 98% of my trust back but it's always there in the back of my mind. I still sit here wondering why he ever left me in the first place. Was/is there something wrong with me? I still compare myself to those 2 other girls and here I am, 24... come on, I'm a pretty girl, not skinny skinny but healthy and I've got a great personality, why oh why would he ever do that to me. We've talked about it and he's apologized so many times and all he can really say is that he was young and stupid and he's over that now. That he's completely dedicated to me. But why can't I just let it all go? Why can't I just believe that I am good enough for him? And why do I even feel as though I am not good enough? I know it wasn't my "fault" he left me but yet, I still blame myself. I still wonder what is wrong with me.

I always wonder if he loves me as much as I love him? And if that is even possible. I sometimes wish the man of my dreams would just waltz into my life one day and sweep me off my feet and make me forget the past 7 years. BUT then again, I love him so very much. When I think about my future, he is there. I know he loves me... but what if I never get over this? What if we get married and 5+ years down the road this is still eating at me? It is supposed to be this hard/complicated? I know it's never easy, I don't expect it to be, but I feel as though I should never have been put through any of that/this. I don't deserve it. I don't know how I feel half the time... except that I love him.

Any advice? I know my thoughts are all over the place here... but if anyone has any words of wisdom, it would be greatly appreciated! And I'm sure I'll be back to add more details I forgot to originally mention.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Honestly, it would be well worth the expense to go talk to a relationship counselor before you say I do. This could be a thorn in your side for the rest of your lives, and as long as you keep thinking about that, you''ll never have any peace. It isn''t about HIM. It''s about you doubting yourself, and the fear of it happening again.

There are no guarantees in life. Life is 10% what happens, and 90% how you react to it. Don''t let his mistake in the past haunt your future together. Go talk to someone professional. I would strongly recommend you see someone on your own before you even bring it up to your SO.

 

[purelily]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I agree with Winks_elf, you should try to see a relationship counselor. I know a person who was in this situation before -- first everything, only love, etc. Let's just say that it didn't work out. she couldn't get over the feeling of betrayal. I'm not saying that this will happen to you. Ever relationship is different.

I'm just going to come out and say it -- please don't get offended.
What you do in your relationship is something you have to do for yourself. Whether you leave or you stay, in the end only you know whats best for you. But, I'd say, sit back and ask yourself if you are with him because you love him or because you have been together so long. This is very difficult for women who have been in long relationships -- we cling to the familiar and don't like to take that risk. But you are 24. Don't settle for someone who is "good enough" go for someone who is "your one".

If you want to make this work, go for the counselor. But maybe see the counselor on your own first and then go in as a couple. Find out what YOU want without him there. If you still want him and know that you will be completely comfortable with the decision then I'd say go for it. But if you are still having doubts question yourself. What is it that you really want and are you willing to take a risk to get it?

 

[trillionaire]

yes, you need to go talk to someone. It would not be fair to marry someone, and then years later start holding a grudge about something from years ago that they are not aware off. The relationship is about now and the future. You need to focus on that, and you need to talk to someone so that you can let go of the past hurt.


Good luck!

 

[Kaleigh]

You need counseling. And then do couples counseling.