i can''t get myself wear my ring (help?!)

[b.anna]

it''s a very gorgeous beautiful well-thought out ring but i just can''t wear it!

i''m not sure if anyone can understand my situation but i just needed to get it out as i''ve been battling with this for many months. i would appreciate any support, advice from anyone

as some of you may know i was engaged in june with a beautiful tacori ring. the proposal was beautiful and my puppy played a great role in the whole thing - it was very sweet!

however, shortly after we got engaged we started having some serious problems where i was reconsidering our engagement. i really don''t want to get into the details as it makes me very very sad (i still cry about it sometimes). just as an fyi he did NOT cheat on me but i am a very sensitive person and i tend to overthink a lot of things, and my fiance knows this very well. i also have a very strong visual memory, and i tend to associate objects with certain memories. therefore, i can''t help but associate my current engagement ring with the mess of things that happened right after we got engaged (all were totally preventable). and to be completely honest, i didn''t think i deserved any of what had happened between us.

now, i can''t wear my ring because i will then think of all these sad moments in the infancy of our engagement. i guess the timing was bad because it these things had happened well after we got engaged, i probably wouldn''t be so upset. but in my mind i was still living in the moment of being engaged, while it seems like my fiance had moved on from the magic of being newly engaged and taking the next step in our relationship. whenever people asked to see my ring, i could no longer be excited to show it and be happy about it

now i don''t know what to do about my ring. i no longer wear a ring on my left hand, and the ring is sitting in its beautiful blue box. he doesn''t want to part with it, but i can''t wear it for my sanity and wellbeing. i feel like my options now are to go without wearing a ring and make up something to others as to why im not wearing a ring, or wear the ring he proposed with and suck up how im feeling about the whole thing. i''m leaning towards the latter because he seems so attached to the ring and it seems like a waste to leave it in the box.

what do you all think? i have no idea what to do, how to think, or how to cope! we have conflicting ideas but can''t settle them, but it''s really putting a strain on my happiness with him to not wear a ring

i know it''s just a ring, but i just love how it symbolizes a strong commitment and love. i get sad when we walk in public and i don''t wear a ring. but i can''t wear the ring i have because it just doesn''t seem to symbolize what it should mean anymore. we''ve tried to communicate about it but can''t seem to settle on anything. we''re both very different but compliment each other well (except in this case i suppose...)

i don''t know what else i can say to clarify the situation more, but i do hope someone can understand where im coming from and offer some insight. thanks for reading this long post

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, I''m sorry you have tarnished memories of your engagement.

Secondly, it looks to me like you have two options.


First option: Put on the ring and make new memories with it. Believe it or not, you''ll have many more hard times throughout your marriage. Make your ring a symbol of commitment, not just of love. btw- forgiveness is an act of love and you should have no problem looking at your ring and seeing forgiveness. He''ll have to forgive you at one point or another too.

Second option: Get a new ring. And, then get an account because you''ll be replacing it every time you face a difficult decision within your marriage.


I don''t mean to come off harsh, but if you''re intending on marrying this man and you can''t even look at your ring, you may need to rethink your relationship. Decide what your deal breakers are and stick with them. If he committed a "deal breaker" then you''re done, if what he has done is forgivable then thank your lucky stars that you were able to get through a severe situation and have more experience to draw from throughout your marriage.


Good luck.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Dear bAnna:

I am so sorry to hear about the feelings you have attached to your ring. It sound like you need to work on the relationship and see if you want to continue it
at all. It sounds like you have feelings of doubt whether this is going to be right for you or not. Is the issue really the ring or how you feel about the
problems in the relationship.

I do understand. On the rare occasions when my DH and I have a serious issue and I am mad, I cant wear my rings at all. Never have been able to. We have been
married almost thirty years. I leave them in the jewelry box until we work it out. They are very emotional for me. So I guess I would suggest that you
try to work out the problems, if you can forgive what has happened, do. If you think you cant go on with the relationship let it go. The ring is a symbol
but an important one, but I wouldnt feel like I had to wear it, no matter how beautiful it is until all is worked out.

 

[TravelingGal]

As someone who has thrown her engagement out the window of a moving car, let me say this:

1. Don''t throw your ring out of a moving car. My sturdy Jeff Cooper made it out alive and well. Most likely your Tacori will not.

and

2. Put it on and move on. I don''t know what happened but unless he beat you and you put up your hand (with ring in view) to fend him off, there''s going to be lots of bad memories in marriage that you will have to sort and work out. If you can''t work out this ring thing, you have bigger concerns to worry about.



btw, if he did beat you, throw the ring out of a moving car and move on.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 10/5/2009 2:43:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
As someone who has thrown her engagement out the window of a moving car, let me say this:


1. Don''t throw your ring out of a moving car. My sturdy Jeff Cooper made it out alive and well. Most likely your Tacori will not.


and


2. Put it on and move on. I don''t know what happened but unless he beat you and you put up your hand (with ring in view) to fend him off, there''s going to be lots of bad memories in marriage that you will have to sort and work out. If you can''t work out this ring thing, you have bigger concerns to worry about.




btw, if he did beat you, throw the ring out of a moving car and move on.

THIS.

 

[Liane]

Yet again, once TGal posts in a thread I have nothing left to say beyond "yup, she''s right."

 

[havernell]

I too am sorry that you are going through so much emotional stress. As you yourself mentioned, your feelings about the ring aren''t *just* about the ring, and I agree with others that you need to more fully address whatever it is your FI did shortly after your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could go to some couples counseling to work out the negative emotions associated with this time and get back to where you can fully trust each other.

After you have worked things out, I might suggest creating some new, happier memories surrounding your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could discuss doing a second proposal where you give the ring back to him and some point in the near future he re-proposes with the same ring. Hopefully that will create a new positive vibe about the ring and you''ll want to wear it to symbolize the work you and your FI have done to rebuild your relationship into something fantastic.

Maybe the re-proposal suggestion is corny, or maybe from the point of psychology it won''t work (I''m clearly no psychologist) but even if you don''t do the re-proposal thing, please make sure you and your FI resolve ALL emotions from your post-engagement period with a professional before moving on with wedding planning.

A heartfelt "best of luck" to you!

 

[April20]

Date: 10/5/2009 2:43:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
As someone who has thrown her engagement out the window of a moving car, let me say this:

1. Don''t throw your ring out of a moving car. My sturdy Jeff Cooper made it out alive and well. Most likely your Tacori will not.

and

2. Put it on and move on. I don''t know what happened but unless he beat you and you put up your hand (with ring in view) to fend him off, there''s going to be lots of bad memories in marriage that you will have to sort and work out. If you can''t work out this ring thing, you have bigger concerns to worry about.



btw, if he did beat you, throw the ring out of a moving car and move on.

This could not have been better said. I completely agree.

 

[litebrite]

TG thanks for the image of you flinging your Jeff Cooper out of a car. Quite hilarious.

More seriously for B.Anna, it sounds like you are going through a stressful time. Wedding prep is stressful enough on its own and I know med school applications and interviews and the MCATs can be really tough as well. Together, it is a really bad and volatile mix.

When we were doing wedding planning, we had the worst argument of our relationship - not wedding planning related. But we got past it, and we are now married. And we''ve had other arguments since then. Learning how to resolve things with each other is something that you''ll have to do when you''re married because even the happiest marriages aren''t just peaches and cream. It''s ok for people in a marriage to have conflicting ideas because it would be really boring if both parties were in total agreement all the time. Unfortunately, you guys had an argument at the start of the engagement, but I would try to put that aside and work on the relationship if you want it to last. Wearing the ring or not wearing the ring seems minute compared to fixing the relationship because at the end of the day, it''s a piece of jewelry, not the be all and end all. And I know this is a jewelry forum, so we all love shinies, but in all honesty, I would give up all my jewelry rather than lose my husband.

Stop worrying about what the ring does or does not symbolize. As a habitual overthinker, I know it''s hard to not overthink or associate, but if you need to put the ring away for a while, I would do that. I didn''t and still don''t wear my e-ring much, not because I don''t love it (I do), but because I don''t wear a lot of jewelry. My hubby has never questioned my love for him on days when I don''t wear it.

Also, I really hate to tell you this, but the long, long road to becoming a full- fledged doctor only gets harder and more intense. The first and second years of med school are easy compared to 3rd and 4th years, which are easy compared to residency. There really isn''t a break. There will be times that you are too busy to see him, times when you come home after long call and you don''t want to talk to him, you just want to sleep for 10 hours after working 30 hours straight. Forget housework. These conditions make it hard for marriages to survive, but if you put the time and effort into it, it can work.

The thing that I''m still not clear on in your post is whether or not you have committed to making it work from now on. And perhaps that is what you are trying to clear up for yourself.

Also, on the whole scheduling a wedding thing, there are few good times to have a wedding in med school. Between 1st and 2nd year is one of them. Also at the end of 4th year.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/5/2009 2:58:21 PM
Author: havernell
I too am sorry that you are going through so much emotional stress. As you yourself mentioned, your feelings about the ring aren''t *just* about the ring, and I agree with others that you need to more fully address whatever it is your FI did shortly after your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could go to some couples counseling to work out the negative emotions associated with this time and get back to where you can fully trust each other.

After you have worked things out, I might suggest creating some new, happier memories surrounding your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could discuss doing a second proposal where you give the ring back to him and some point in the near future he re-proposes with the same ring. Hopefully that will create a new positive vibe about the ring and you''ll want to wear it to symbolize the work you and your FI have done to rebuild your relationship into something fantastic.

Maybe the re-proposal suggestion is corny, or maybe from the point of psychology it won''t work (I''m clearly no psychologist) but even if you don''t do the re-proposal thing, please make sure you and your FI resolve ALL emotions from your post-engagement period with a professional before moving on with wedding planning.

A heartfelt ''best of luck'' to you!

While I understand your logic behind this, I would give this is a big no.

He has already asked her to marry him. She said yes. Either she honors that engagement and marries the guy or moves on without him. It is silly to do a "do over" because she has these issues with the ring.

Marriage is not a game. There are no "do overs". You tackle the current issue head on and find ways to resolve it and move on. Sometimes that means feelings, no matter how valid, are detrimental to the relationship and cannot continue to poison it. That may mean seeking therapy to resolve those feelings. And again, while I understand that psychological reasoning for why this re-proposal was suggested, think of what it means to HIM as well. He''s already asked her. They had problems. She doesn''t want to wear the ring. That means he has to go through it all again? What does that mean for him?

There are ADULT ways to handling things in marriage. Communication. Love. Understanding. FORGIVENESS. Compromise. Sacrifice. Saying "this ring represents bad memories, so can you ask me to marry you AGAIN so it may have good ones attached to it again" is not real adult life. It''s drama and acting on a stage.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 10/5/2009 2:57:12 PM
Author: Liane
Yet again, once TGal posts in a thread I have nothing left to say beyond ''yup, she''s right.''

 

[Shoopy]

I don''t have any advice because we are going through the same thing. I don''t wear my ring anymore. My fiance and I have been having some issues that we need to work through and wearing the ring just doesn''t feel right to me anymore. He hasn''t said anything about me not wearing it. He has seen it in its box and just said "I''m going to work hard to get that ring back on your finger."

I think TGal''s advice is good. I''m just more stubborn

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:10:11 PM
Author: fiery
I don''t have any advice because we are going through the same thing. I don''t wear my ring anymore. My fiance and I have been having some issues that we need to work through and wearing the ring just doesn''t feel right to me anymore. He hasn''t said anything about me not wearing it. He has seen it in its box and just said ''I''m going to work hard to get that ring back on your finger.''

I think TGal''s advice is good. I''m just more stubborn

OK, sorry for the threadjack, but someone explain this mentality to me...I really don''t quite get it. But I understand that I can be very cut and dried sometimes...

So many women OBSSESS about their rings because it''s supposed to be this "symbol." I understand that it''s an emotional thing. But it''s also (according what I''ve read on this site) a symbol of your MARRIAGE and COMMITMENT. (so I''m talking w-rings here, not e-rings - it is fine to throw e-rings out of a car but not w-rings.

).

If you have problems with your marriage, why take off the ring? Shouldn''t the message be "we are having these problems, but I am still married and commited to you and we will work this out." How hurt would we women be if our husband''s pulled off the rings every time there are issues?

Why do we use rings as weapons to hurt our mates?

And for the record, speaking of the above, I did not throw my ring AT TGuy. He wasn''t present and did not know about it.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:20:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/5/2009 3:10:11 PM

Author: fiery

I don''t have any advice because we are going through the same thing. I don''t wear my ring anymore. My fiance and I have been having some issues that we need to work through and wearing the ring just doesn''t feel right to me anymore. He hasn''t said anything about me not wearing it. He has seen it in its box and just said ''I''m going to work hard to get that ring back on your finger.''

I think TGal''s advice is good. I''m just more stubborn

OK, sorry for the threadjack, but someone explain this mentality to me...I really don''t quite get it. But I understand that I can be very cut and dried sometimes...

So many women OBSSESS about their rings because it''s supposed to be this ''symbol.'' I understand that it''s an emotional thing. But it''s also (according what I''ve read on this site) a symbol of your MARRIAGE and COMMITMENT. (so I''m talking w-rings here, not e-rings - it is fine to throw e-rings out of a car but not w-rings.

).

If you have problems with your marriage, why take off the ring? Shouldn''t the message be ''we are having these problems, but I am still married and commited to you and we will work this out.'' How hurt would we women be if our husband''s pulled off the rings every time there are issues?

Why do we use rings as weapons to hurt our mates?

And for the record, speaking of the above, I did not throw my ring AT TGuy. He wasn''t present and did not know about it.

My DH and I very rarely fight (once we were married we fought even less - we must be odd in that way), but I have never taken my rings off and tried to use them as a bargaining chip. That''s kind of how I see this. "I don''t like you today, so I am going to not be married to you today, either." That just seems overwhelmingly childish. We were born with mouths and brains for a reason - I think your DH deserves a conversation as opposed to bribery!

That said, I understand attaching an unhappy memory to your ring is upsetting. I still think communication is much better than the equivalent of a 5 year old temper tantrum.

And T-Gal - that is freaking hilarious, because I have a hard time picturing you getting that mad. What on earth did T-Guy DO?

 

[b.anna]

thanks for the advice thus far all. im not being immature about this at all, i know we go through tough periods and all, but im just particularly impacted by this whole thing because it all happened right after we got engaged. and his behavior seemed to come on suddenly. we talked and talked for months (almost 3 months now) and can''t seem to fully get through it.

i do love him, i love him so much which is why this is really hard for me. i don''t have any definitive "deal breakers" except for cheating because i know it''s important to forgive and forget, communicate, see each other''s side, etc. by no means do i think this is a deal breaker, but somehow i have a really hard time with this, most likely because of the timing of the events.

you''re all right that this deep down is not about the ring at all, but we both have the same view that i should be wearing a ring but he agrees that i shouldn''t be wearing one that just makes me think bad memories. we have considered counseling, but we''re trying to identify our issues and resolve them before paying someone $300 for something we may have been able to figure out on our own. he seems to take things a lot lighter than i have, so right now we''re trying to work on finding a middle ground of me going nuts over everything (overanalyzer) and he being the no muss-no fuss kind of guy (low maintenance) and then both of us seeing each other''s perspective on everything. living together has helped that A LOT so believe me i am counting my blessings.

nothing is ever perfect, but i don''t think that the "happy memories" should be used as an excuse to "cover up" the "bad" stuff. just doing that seems to put us in denial that anything is wrong. FI always does this by asking "well doesn''t the good parts of our relationship count for anything" well of course they do but it doesn''t mean it''s ok to ignore the bad stuff. i guess this is why im asking for advice because we can no longer cover up this problem and it''s really hard to move on without resolve.

Tgal: great advice, i promise not to throw my ring out the window. i think that''d be a deal breaker for FI. i think my feelings about this is a little more complicated than the "put it on and move on", but i agree that i may be overanalyzing everything because what he did was far from beating me up!

havernell: i agree builiding good/happy memories is a great place to start and after we had a serious discussion about the whole past few months we''re trying to do that. we just can''t get past the ring thing which seems important to both of us. but the memories are coming!

litebrite: totaly agreed about the med school thing! believe me, FI and i have been prepping for the hell that is about to ensue. he and i both understand the lifestyle, the sacrifices etc. the great thing is that he is very patient which is going to be monumental when med school time comes. i''ve already had a lot of anxiety about my applications, let alone school and he has really been fantastic about the whole thing.

fiery: i really hope things work out with your FI! it''s not so easy sharing and conveying feelings, thoughts, situations online. at one point i felt so hopeless and hope you don''t feel that way! hopefully we can both use the advice here and figure something out for each of our situations

 

[lyra]

It sounds like you want a new ring. Go for it. Would that help? Reset it. It won''t change a thing about your relationship, but it will stop you from not wanting to wear *this* ring, right? Nothing wrong with that. I wouldn''t hesitate on the counselling though, that money is a great investment in your future lives together. You may not be able to see the issues from a neutral standpoint that a counselor would provide. Marriage is a lifelong commitment to communication, and takes a lot of work. Might be better to get things worked out before you get married.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:28:07 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 10/5/2009 3:20:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/5/2009 3:10:11 PM

Author: fiery

I don't have any advice because we are going through the same thing. I don't wear my ring anymore. My fiance and I have been having some issues that we need to work through and wearing the ring just doesn't feel right to me anymore. He hasn't said anything about me not wearing it. He has seen it in its box and just said 'I'm going to work hard to get that ring back on your finger.'

I think TGal's advice is good. I'm just more stubborn

OK, sorry for the threadjack, but someone explain this mentality to me...I really don't quite get it. But I understand that I can be very cut and dried sometimes...

So many women OBSSESS about their rings because it's supposed to be this 'symbol.' I understand that it's an emotional thing. But it's also (according what I've read on this site) a symbol of your MARRIAGE and COMMITMENT. (so I'm talking w-rings here, not e-rings - it is fine to throw e-rings out of a car but not w-rings.

).

If you have problems with your marriage, why take off the ring? Shouldn't the message be 'we are having these problems, but I am still married and commited to you and we will work this out.' How hurt would we women be if our husband's pulled off the rings every time there are issues?

Why do we use rings as weapons to hurt our mates?

And for the record, speaking of the above, I did not throw my ring AT TGuy. He wasn't present and did not know about it.

My DH and I very rarely fight (once we were married we fought even less - we must be odd in that way), but I have never taken my rings off and tried to use them as a bargaining chip. That's kind of how I see this. 'I don't like you today, so I am going to not be married to you today, either.' That just seems overwhelmingly childish. We were born with mouths and brains for a reason - I think your DH deserves a conversation as opposed to bribery!

That said, I understand attaching an unhappy memory to your ring is upsetting. I still think communication is much better than the equivalent of a 5 year old temper tantrum.

And T-Gal - that is freaking hilarious, because I have a hard time picturing you getting that mad. What on earth did T-Guy DO?

I used to have a crazy temper as a kid. Then it just went away as I just figured myself out. I was an extremely happy, zen person for years. I don't think I got angry in something like 10 years. I actually thought I was a person who just didn't get upset. Wrong!

TGuy had anger issues and fought like a petulant child. To a rational person like me, it made me irrationally frustrated. This was very early on in our relationship and I just finally had it with his passive-aggressive ways of handling anger.

I just thought, you know, I can't marry this guy. I stepped on the pedal (I was parked), then threw the ring out the window.

Then I stopped a few feet and took a breath. Then I thought, Holy Sh*t, I just threw my ring out the window!

It was an eyeopener for me. Obviously *I* had issues too and it's easier to try and fix my own than try to fix his. I promised myself from that day forward I would A) never take off that ring in anger) and B) work on myself first, starting with the problem of throwing easily dingable platinum jewelry out the window. It's done wonders. And he never knew about it until I told him many moons later when it was more amusing than anything.

I know I don't talk about my personal life on here much, but I certainly do have frustrations in my marriage like everyone else. I've learned a lot along the way and am happy to report that I don't wear my rings any longer because I am too fat (compared to when I got them) not because I don't like my husband.

We've been deliriously happily married and haven't had a fight at all this entire year. We've had arguments (very minor) and have learned how to "fight fair." And we're going to celebrate tomorrow for our 3 year anniversary.

Sorry for the threadjack again, but at least it's a story of how you can work things out and be really happy, even after hurling jewelry into the air.

(off to go work out so I can get skinny enough to wear my rings!)

 

[packrat]

I agree w/the others. I called off our wedding after we got engaged. But I still wore the ring b/c we were still engaged. To me it showed commitment to to him and to our relationship. Some things just need to be put behind you and move on. I understand associating things with memories. But memories aren''t the present and that''s important. What if you bought a house together and then had a fight the day you moved in? A ring is an object and it doesn''t hold bad memories or thoughts or bad juju inside it and it can''t harbor resentment. You can tho, in your mind and in your heart. A new ring won''t change that, but you can change how you view things.

 

[kenny]

This may not be the problem but only a symptom of a deeper issue you are not conscious of - hence your inability to figure this out.

I'd find a therapist to talk to about this.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:40:41 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/5/2009 3:28:07 PM

Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 10/5/2009 3:20:21 PM

Author: TravelingGal


OK, sorry for the threadjack, but someone explain this mentality to me...I really don''t quite get it. But I understand that I can be very cut and dried sometimes...

So many women OBSSESS about their rings because it''s supposed to be this ''symbol.'' I understand that it''s an emotional thing. But it''s also (according what I''ve read on this site) a symbol of your MARRIAGE and COMMITMENT. (so I''m talking w-rings here, not e-rings - it is fine to throw e-rings out of a car but not w-rings.

).


If you have problems with your marriage, why take off the ring? Shouldn''t the message be ''we are having these problems, but I am still married and commited to you and we will work this out.'' How hurt would we women be if our husband''s pulled off the rings every time there are issues?

Why do we use rings as weapons to hurt our mates?

And for the record, speaking of the above, I did not throw my ring AT TGuy. He wasn''t present and did not know about it.

My DH and I very rarely fight (once we were married we fought even less - we must be odd in that way), but I have never taken my rings off and tried to use them as a bargaining chip. That''s kind of how I see this. ''I don''t like you today, so I am going to not be married to you today, either.'' That just seems overwhelmingly childish. We were born with mouths and brains for a reason - I think your DH deserves a conversation as opposed to bribery!

That said, I understand attaching an unhappy memory to your ring is upsetting. I still think communication is much better than the equivalent of a 5 year old temper tantrum.

And T-Gal - that is freaking hilarious, because I have a hard time picturing you getting that mad. What on earth did T-Guy DO?

I used to have a crazy temper as a kid. Then it just went away as I just figured myself out. I was an extremely happy, zen person for years. I don''t think I got angry in something like 10 years. I actually thought I was a person who just didn''t get upset. Wrong!

TGuy had anger issues and fought like a petulant child. To a rational person like me, it made me irrationally frustrated. This was very early on in our relationship and I just finally had it with his passive-aggressive ways of handling anger.

I just thought, you know, I can''t marry this guy. I stepped on the pedal (I was parked), then threw the ring out the window.

Then I stopped a few feet and took a breath. Then I thought, Holy Sh*t, I just threw my ring out the window!

It was an eyeopener for me. Obviously *I* had issues too and it''s easier to try and fix my own than try to fix his. I promised myself from that day forward I would A) never take off that ring in anger) and B) work on myself first, starting with the problem of throwing easily dingable platinum jewelry out the window. It''s done wonders. And he never knew about it until I told him many moons later when it was more amusing than anything.

I know I don''t talk about my personal life on here much, but I certainly do have frustrations in my marriage like everyone else. I''ve learned a lot along the way and am happy to report that I don''t wear my rings any longer because I am too fat (compared to when I got them) not because I don''t like my husband.

We''ve been deliriously happily married and haven''t had a fight at all this entire year. We''ve had arguments (very minor) and have learned how to ''fight fair.'' And we''re going to celebrate tomorrow for our 3 year anniversary.

Sorry for the threadjack again, but at least it''s a story of how you can work things out and be really happy, even after hurling jewelry into the air.

(off to go work out so I can get skinny enough to wear my rings!)

I shouldn''t laugh, but this story gave me some serious giggles. I can just imagine the look of horror on your face when you realized your ring was sitting on the pavement! Ouch!

I think your approach is a worthy one, though. Fix myself before I try to fix him - everyone should think that way, maybe there would be less divorce.

And I''m sorry your rings don''t fit now! I am so paranoid of that happening to me now that I am puffing up with the baby.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:52:26 PM
Author: MonkeyPie


I shouldn't laugh, but this story gave me some serious giggles. I can just imagine the look of horror on your face when you realized your ring was sitting on the pavement! Ouch!

I think your approach is a worthy one, though. Fix myself before I try to fix him - everyone should think that way, maybe there would be less divorce.

And I'm sorry your rings don't fit now! I am so paranoid of that happening to me now that I am puffing up with the baby.

Trust me, while it wasn't really funny at the time, I always find insanity sort of amusing, I found it funny pretty quickly.

The look of horror came when I realized the ring landed right next to a GUTTER.

Hopefully your rings will continue to fit!

b.anna some people can figure things out on their own, but when trying to deal with couplehood issues where obviously each have biases, it's may be helpful to get counseling before things get more tangled.

oh, and Fiery, I meant to say I hope you and your DH can work things out soon.

 

[havernell]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:06:58 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/5/2009 2:58:21 PM

Author: havernell

I too am sorry that you are going through so much emotional stress. As you yourself mentioned, your feelings about the ring aren''t *just* about the ring, and I agree with others that you need to more fully address whatever it is your FI did shortly after your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could go to some couples counseling to work out the negative emotions associated with this time and get back to where you can fully trust each other.


After you have worked things out, I might suggest creating some new, happier memories surrounding your engagement. Perhaps you and your FI could discuss doing a second proposal where you give the ring back to him and some point in the near future he re-proposes with the same ring. Hopefully that will create a new positive vibe about the ring and you''ll want to wear it to symbolize the work you and your FI have done to rebuild your relationship into something fantastic.



Maybe the re-proposal suggestion is corny, or maybe from the point of psychology it won''t work (I''m clearly no psychologist) but even if you don''t do the re-proposal thing, please make sure you and your FI resolve ALL emotions from your post-engagement period with a professional before moving on with wedding planning.


A heartfelt ''best of luck'' to you!

While I understand your logic behind this, I would give this is a big no.


He has already asked her to marry him. She said yes. Either she honors that engagement and marries the guy or moves on without him. It is silly to do a ''do over'' because she has these issues with the ring.


Marriage is not a game. There are no ''do overs''. You tackle the current issue head on and find ways to resolve it and move on. Sometimes that means feelings, no matter how valid, are detrimental to the relationship and cannot continue to poison it. That may mean seeking therapy to resolve those feelings. And again, while I understand that psychological reasoning for why this re-proposal was suggested, think of what it means to HIM as well. He''s already asked her. They had problems. She doesn''t want to wear the ring. That means he has to go through it all again? What does that mean for him?


There are ADULT ways to handling things in marriage. Communication. Love. Understanding. FORGIVENESS. Compromise. Sacrifice. Saying ''this ring represents bad memories, so can you ask me to marry you AGAIN so it may have good ones attached to it again'' is not real adult life. It''s drama and acting on a stage.

Oh, I totally hear what you are saying and that''s why I mentioned the two of them going to counseling *first* and only "[a]fter you have worked things out" to consider making a re-commitment to each other to commemorate their renewed relationship together. Perhaps I should have stressed the counseling thing more because I do think that''s the most important thing here. I certainly don''t see a "do-over" proposal in isolation as the answer, not at all, and I agree with you to just do a "re-proposal" without working our their underlying problems would be pure theater!! It''s clear to both you and I (and everyone else who has posted) that there is no easy fix for b.anna and her FI, and that it''s going to take a lot of work and communication (again, hopefully with a professional) to get them to a place where they should move forward with marriage plans. So I do apologize for my pop-psychology. B.anna should really not listen to advice here, but find a professional who is licensed to give such advice. Thanks for making me explain things more clearly Tgal!

 

[lucyandroger]

I think you should set aside the ring issue until you''ve worked through the underlying relationship problem first. It sounds to me like you''re trying to punish him by not wearing the ring and I think that down the road if you do work through your problems, you''ll regret the decisions you made in anger. Plus the practical side of me says what a waste of $$$ to sell it and lose money or have to get a new setting or whatever would need to be done.

If you both want to have a ring on your finger while you work things out and you can''t bear to wear the tacori, then just get a plain silver band for the time being. I hope you''re able to work through this!

 

[b.anna]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:01:33 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I think you should set aside the ring issue until you've worked through the underlying relationship problem first. It sounds to me like you're trying to punish him by not wearing the ring and I think that down the road if you do work through your problems, you'll regret the decisions you made in anger. Plus the practical side of me says what a waste of $$$ to sell it and lose money or have to get a new setting or whatever would need to be done.

If you both want to have a ring on your finger while you work things out and you can't bear to wear the tacori, then just get a plain silver band for the time being. I hope you're able to work through this!

i agree too, as many people here have suggested counseling, working out underlying issues

i'm not trying to punish him at all! i hope i don't make that impression. he totally understands where i'm coming from, but is also sad that i'm not wearing it. he has said that he would rather me not wear it if that makes me more comfortable. i am not trying to make any type of gesture to him, and i'm not taking away the commitment i gave him when i said yes to marrying him. i just can't wear it, and he gets it. but we're both unhappy that i'm not wearing one. and certainly getting a new one will not resolve anything!

so counseling... yay? i will talk to him today and get his perspective. he's always been a fan of counseling, his parents did it. i went to counseling a few times for depression, hated my counselor, and never went back to one. so that's my take. but if it will help my relationship with my FI, then seems like it's the best way to go.

ETA: TGal, i totally admire that you were able to get the mindset of fixing your problems first! i'm glad it improved your relationship with your husband - i'll use you for inspiration if that's ok

 

[Lula]

Counseling is cheap compared to a) a Tacori ring; b) canceling a wedding; c) divorce some years down the road.

I agree with lucyandroger, it seems like not wearing the ring is your way of punishing him for whatever he did. But since we don't know what it is that he did that upset you so much that it's still unresolved 3 months later, it's kind of hard to give good advice.

However, from my perspective as someone who's been married awhile, if it's still unresolved after 3 months, you could both benefit from some counseling. It can't be good for your relationship, or your studies or your work, for this to be festering.

 

[somethingshiny]

Hmmm....When I threw my ring out the car window, DH got out and found it.

I agree with the mentality of "don''t use it as a weapon." There is no better way to create bad memories about a ring!


It sounds like you really don''t FEEL engaged or even WANT to be. Neglecting the ring is just the outward symbol of your feelings. You definitely have some work to do on resolving your problems. And, I do encourage you to have a list of deal breakers and make sure FI can abide by them. Yes, you can and should forgive a lot. But, if there are things you simply cannot "get over" you owe it to him to tell him what they are.

I found this and thought it may have some good merit. Link

I think ALL marital problems boil down to ONE thing- RESPECT. Apparently you feel entirely disrespected in some way. But remember, No one can make you feel worthless without your permission. What would you require in terms of apology or discussion if ANY ONE else would have done it to you?

Also, it takes two to tango. Have you recognized your own inadequacies regarding this matter? You seem to be the person who HAS to be right. I don''t mean any offense, but as one of those people myself, it can be lonely at the top.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:20:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/5/2009 3:10:11 PM
Author: fiery
I don''t have any advice because we are going through the same thing. I don''t wear my ring anymore. My fiance and I have been having some issues that we need to work through and wearing the ring just doesn''t feel right to me anymore. He hasn''t said anything about me not wearing it. He has seen it in its box and just said ''I''m going to work hard to get that ring back on your finger.''

I think TGal''s advice is good. I''m just more stubborn

OK, sorry for the threadjack, but someone explain this mentality to me...I really don''t quite get it. But I understand that I can be very cut and dried sometimes...

So many women OBSSESS about their rings because it''s supposed to be this ''symbol.'' I understand that it''s an emotional thing. But it''s also (according what I''ve read on this site) a symbol of your MARRIAGE and COMMITMENT. (so I''m talking w-rings here, not e-rings - it is fine to throw e-rings out of a car but not w-rings.

).

If you have problems with your marriage, why take off the ring? Shouldn''t the message be ''we are having these problems, but I am still married and commited to you and we will work this out.'' How hurt would we women be if our husband''s pulled off the rings every time there are issues?

Why do we use rings as weapons to hurt our mates?

And for the record, speaking of the above, I did not throw my ring AT TGuy. He wasn''t present and did not know about it.

We''re not married yet so I don''t know how I would feel if he took it off.

Without getting into too much detail, I have reasons to believe that the proposal did not happen because of his desire to get married but moreso his desire to make sure I didn''t leave. That, coupled with other issues we are going through makes me not wear it. It isn''t so much as something to get back at him or to use it as leverage. I don''t know how to explain it without sounding strange but when I see it, I see a promise that was made without the right intentions and when I wear it it doesn''t feel right.

 

[b.anna]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:26:23 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Hmmm....When I threw my ring out the car window, DH got out and found it.

I agree with the mentality of 'don't use it as a weapon.' There is no better way to create bad memories about a ring!


It sounds like you really don't FEEL engaged or even WANT to be. Neglecting the ring is just the outward symbol of your feelings. You definitely have some work to do on resolving your problems. And, I do encourage you to have a list of deal breakers and make sure FI can abide by them. Yes, you can and should forgive a lot. But, if there are things you simply cannot 'get over' you owe it to him to tell him what they are.

I found this and thought it may have some good merit. Link

I think ALL marital problems boil down to ONE thing- RESPECT. Apparently you feel entirely disrespected in some way. But remember, No one can make you feel worthless without your permission. What would you require in terms of apology or discussion if ANY ONE else would have done it to you?

Also, it takes two to tango. Have you recognized your own inadequacies regarding this matter? You seem to be the person who HAS to be right. I don't mean any offense, but as one of those people myself, it can be lonely at the top.

Some of these things do deserve merit, but others aren't true. While I may not FEEL engaged because of the events that transpired within weeks of us getting engaged, i do WANT to be engaged to him and I WANT to marry him. I love him so much which is why i really need resolve for this. simply saying move on is not enough and i think i'm entitled to that. i know that if this is not resolved then i will not be able to move on. As I mentioned before as well, he understand why I can't wear the ring and knows it has no bearing whatsoever on my committment to him, thus why we need to find a solution for both of us.

The dealbreaker list is a good idea, but usually i don't realize what the deal breaker is until the situation arises. I feel like a lot of things really depend on the situation (cheating is not one of them).

Respect is huge, I totally agree! I do feel disrespected in many ways, and this we have to work out too. I used to be one of those people who had to be right all the time in the relationship, but that ended about 3 years ago and I've done exceptionally well. I do try to think of what I did, and I don't think i handled the situation well when we addressed it, but now that i'm almost exhausted over it, I'm really open to trying anything that'll fix this because I don't want this to be the deal breaker.

ETA: Thanks for the link! I will check it out tonight

 

[Lula]

I''m dying here -- what could have possibly happened that would take over three months to resolve but not be a deal breaker???

I''m exhausted just reading your posts b.anna; I can''t imagine how difficult it must be to be living with this level of stress about your relationship.

Is he worth it?

 

[yssie]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:40:21 PM
Author: sarap333
I'm dying here -- what could have possibly happened that would take over three months to resolve but not be a deal breaker???

I'm exhausted just reading your posts b.anna; I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be living with this level of stress about your relationship.

Is he worth it?

+1.

If it's been three months, that's two months too long to have started counselling - slights (real or perceived, small or large) fester unless you get them out right away, and then you finally explode and it's everything you wanted to avoid in the first place.

Put up or shut up, whether that's warranted or not, is not an option in your situation, that's obvious from your posts. Forget that you feel that your sanity and wellbeing are adversely affected by WEARING your engagement ring, and just worry about your sanity and wellbeing. You're engaged: you're either happy to be engaged despite problems or you're not, but you don't get the luxury of wanting to feel enaged and wanting to marry him anymore - you *are* doing those things, unless you take the bold step of calling it off.

I will say this: your engagement ring is a symbol of your commitment to each other - that's the whole point of having one, and I do think that not wearing it sends a loud and clear message. You say he understands why you can't wear the ring and knows it has no bearing whatsoever on your commitment to him: I can't say that I do, as an observer, and I wonder if he really does, given that you've said he also feel sad that you don't wear it...

Good luck, I hope you both come to some happy resolution soon.