I am not sure what to do....

[DonaBella]

This time of year can be tough on some people...and I guess I am one of those people. To make matters worse, I am starting not to believe I can feel differently.

I want to make Christmas wonderful for my hubby and kids, but I have begun to become overly sad and matters here at home with my daughters, my oldest son and my soon-to-be daughter in law are not going well.

I debated sharing this, but I honestly don''''t know what to do...

My oldest daughter and child does not get along that great with me and we both have had an extended history of this. My younger daughter and I do get along and unfortunately, when we are with other people especially, it is more obvious to them then it really is to even myself.

We went shopping yesterday for bridesmaid dresses--the future bride, her sister, my two daughters and me. I thought, for the most part, it went well. My girls are sisters and also have a distinct history of not getting along very well so the little jabs they do with one another I honestly hardly notice anymore. I am not saying that''''s ok... just the norm for them. One girl points out that one dress looks better on her due to her bigger chest or the other makes sure that people notice her because of her waistline or butt or whatever. I just ignore it. I guess I slipped up a few times and let down my guard cuz the future bride and her sister were telling my son how awful I was, "agreeing" with one daughter over the other, making comments that they felt out of place, etc. So...earlier my son, the one caught in the middle of all of this, chastises me for my behavior and tells me to chill out on the "victimized" sister and to be careful what I say and act cuz his future bride and her family have no secrets and share EVERYTHING.

I admit...I let down my guard and was probably more chatty than I should have been and it was wrong. But my son wasn''''t there for the whole experience and he also wasn''''t present many a time when his oldest sister was no where near the victim, but doing the victimizing. I am in counseling with this daughter at this time to make every and I do mean EVERY attempt to iron out issues in our relationship for the sake of family. This daughter needs to work out issues with her sister as well and believe me, I will strongly support and even pay for that to happen, if they both are willing.

But at this time, I am afraid to move, to talk, to breathe or be myself around my future daughter in law, her sister or her mom who now have a majorly warped sense of who I am based on my oldest daughter''''s renditions of how I favor her sister, love her sister more, yada, yada...

I am screwed...

So...what can I do, if anything at all? I have placed a call to the therapist to see if I can see her alone or with the oldest daughter this week, but with Christmas around the corner, its doubtful.

I have been one too many times the victim of this daughter and I won''''t back down anymore. Besides, I want a loving relationship with her. Maybe not friends, but mother-daughter would be fine with me. All these people do not know her like her family does. And I don''''t want to drag her or anyone through the mud...it doesn''''t solve anything anyway. I want to move forward and so, the reason for therapy...

I am so, so, down...any advice would be welcome...sorry for the long winded, too detailed account but I can''''t sleep and am a mess over this.

P.S. No one in my family--especially not my husband who is tired of the whole thing--knows how bad I really feel and I cannot talk to them...

 

[DonaBella]

Even if you can''t help, please let me know if there is light at the end of this tunnel...Can anybody relate at all? Anyways, thanks for reading my experience...

 

[valeria101]

Nothing like the Holiday Spirit, right ?

The world is crumbling, the sky is falling over, everyone goes mad and you must by all means show up merry and smiling over the Hell hole!

No idea what to do about it myself...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 3:57:57 AM
Author: valeria101

Nothing like the Holiday Spirit, right ?

The world is crumbling, the sky is falling over, everyone goes mad and you must by all means show up marry and smiling over the Hell hole!

No idea what to do about it myself...

Thanks valeria for at least responding...I really should move this whole thread to the Family and Home Forum, huh? But I don''t know how to...did I mention I am totally remedial at computer savvy anything? I am not on a pity party trip, but I seriously thinking of joining...

 

[valeria101]

Date: 12/21/2005 4:01:37 AM
Author: DeannaBana

Date: 12/21/2005 3:57:57 AM
Author: valeria101

Nothing like the Holiday Spirit, right ?

The world is crumbling, the sky is falling over, everyone goes mad and you must by all means show up marry and smiling over the Hell hole!

No idea what to do about it myself...

Thanks valeria for at least responding...I really should move this whole thread to the Family and Home Forum, huh? But I don''t know how to...did I mention I am totally remedial at computer savvy anything? I am not on a pity party trip, but I seriously thinking of joining...

Leonid can move the thread (try the ''report this post'' button on your fist message), I don''t think it is feasible otherwise.

Pity party? Sounds good to me

At least don''t feel under any pressure to jump with joy after all that - this is pretty much all that comes to mind without knowing more (and even knowing, unfortunately).

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 4:23:38 AM
Author: valeria101

Date: 12/21/2005 4:01:37 AM
Author: DeannaBana

Date: 12/21/2005 3:57:57 AM
Author: valeria101

Nothing like the Holiday Spirit, right ?

The world is crumbling, the sky is falling over, everyone goes mad and you must by all means show up marry and smiling over the Hell hole!

No idea what to do about it myself...

Thanks valeria for at least responding...I really should move this whole thread to the Family and Home Forum, huh? But I don''t know how to...did I mention I am totally remedial at computer savvy anything? I am not on a pity party trip, but I seriously thinking of joining...

Leonid can move the thread (try the ''report this post'' button on your fist message), I don''t think it is feasible otherwise.

Pity party? Sounds good to me

At least don''t feel under any pressure to jump with joy after all that - this is pretty much all that comes to mind without knowing more (and even knowing, unfortunately).

Huh? Ok...either I am a total dimwit or the antianxiety medication I took is finally taking hold...I don''t know where that button is and cannot even see it...help!

 

[DonaBella]

If I didn''t have PS I wouldn''t have anyone to vent to...pathetic, I know...

 

[valeria101]

Date: 12/21/2005 4:35:08 AM
Author: DeannaBana

Huh? Ok...either I am a total dimwit or the antianxiety medication I took is finally taking hold...I don''t know where that button is and cannot even see it...help!

Bottom right of the posts'' window. Right under the edge

 

[DonaBella]

Got it. Valeria, thanks....

 

[ecf8503]

Oh, Deanna! I feel for you - does a cross-country virtual hug count???????

I don''t know what to say - so much of this is really out of your control at this point. You can''t be responsible for the thoughts, feelings, words, or actions of others. All you can do is hold your own head high and try to make the best choices you can at any given moment. If you can go to bed at night and feel good about how you handled things regardless of the overall tone of the event, then you are on the right track to keep your own self esteem intact.

FWIW, I think a lot of us have dysfunctional families - and even though we may be blood relatives it doesn''t mean we like each other or get along. Been there - it''s rough.

This is supposed to be a joyous time of year - to be thankful for all of the good things we have in our lives. Maybe it''s a good time to set things out in the open - acknowledge our differences yet let it be known we don''t care about each other any less.

I wish you the best of luck with this very complicated situation - I wish there was something we could do or say to make it all "ok". We care, Deanna!

P.S. Where''s that sparkly????????

 

[strmrdr]

no easy answers.
The best you can do is do the best you can and keep on keeping on.
It will sort itself out eventualy.

 

[blodthecat]

Hi Deanne,

Chin up lass. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can''t see it right now.

My dad died 5-years ago, and since then my mother and I haven''t spoken. There were so many arguements, so much hurt, so much pain. And more attempts at reconcillation than i care to mention. So, I eventually started to feel like I hadn''t only lost my father, but my mother too. (depression set in fast)

Even to this day, if my mother sees me in a supermarket she will walk straight past me, like i am a stranger. And yes....it still hurts. I even tried writing to her, to tell her how much i miss her and love her...but she never replied. Your right, that at this time of year it is really hard. The whole world seems to be happy, happy, happy. all except you.

Over the years though, i have had to learn to live with it and except what has happened. Simply because i can''t think of anything else i could try to make things better. And if i carried on the way i was, i would have made myself very ill.

You''re going to have to start with ''you''. Forget who said this, and who said that. We always want to find somewhere to place the blame. Accept the situation, you can''t turn the clock back. And also, don''t be overly worried about the opinions of other people, because that''s out of your control too.

You sound like a very caring person and remember there is no such thing as a ''normal family''. We all have our problems...that''s how life is. But you can definitely get through this...and you are doing the right thing by talking to people. Even if it doesn''t change things...its a release and gets it off your chest.

I have recently learnt to meditate. Didn''t think it would help, but it has. It is a release from the chaos of this mad life we''re all in. A chance to clear your mind of everything and everyone.

You''re gonna be ok!

and keep talking, because there''s usually someone around on PS who will listen.

all my love and best wishes...dyanne

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

It''s hard to deal with difficult people in life- it''s even harder when you''re related to them. I think Erma Bombeck put it best when she titled one of her books "Family: The ties that bind and gag!". You know you have to love them but sometimes (or often) they make it really difficult to do so.

I can at least sympathize with you- I too come from a convulted and rather unsettling family situation. My mom and I definitely get along better than my mom and my older sister. It''s pretty obvious to us and I''m sure she knows to- I just don''t think she really cares. She''s a very self-centered person- not maliciously, she''s just not good at seeing outside herself.

I agree that therapy is the way to go- ages 6-18 I was in therapy on and off and sometimes very regularly. It definitely helped me cope and sometimes I think I might need more- like maintenance therapy or something. Like I''m a car and I need my oil changed-I just need a head-shrinking booster shot. Who knows what will ultimately help you, but honest communication and an objective listener can never hurt.

I wish you peace this Holiday season.

Sarah

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 12/21/2005 8:57:25 AM
Author: blodthecat
Hi Deanne,

You''re going to have to start with ''you''. Forget who said this, and who said that. We always want to find somewhere to place the blame. Accept the situation, you can''t turn the clock back. And also, don''t be overly worried about the opinions of other people, because that''s out of your control too.

You sound like a very caring person and remember there is no such thing as a ''normal family''. We all have our problems...that''s how life is. But you can definitely get through this...and you are doing the right thing by talking to people. Even if it doesn''t change things...its a release and gets it off your chest.

I have recently learnt to meditate. Didn''t think it would help, but it has. It is a release from the chaos of this mad life we''re all in. A chance to clear your mind of everything and everyone.

You''re gonna be ok!

and keep talking, because there''s usually someone around on PS who will listen.

all my love and best wishes...dyanne

some good advice here. you can only be responsible for what you say and do....everyone else must do the same. get some books and learn some response to removing yourself from our daughters'' bickering and how to respond to your son''s accusations. limit your time spent with the future in-laws...no sense in having to be on pens and needles all the time.

btw, perhaps you should go off on a retreat for yourself. remove yourself entirely from the situation, get some fresh air and take a deep breath, before diving back into the holiday and/or wedding stuff. who will people blame if you''re not there to beat up on?

and be brutally honest with yourself as to how you contribute to the problems. my experience within my own family is that there is dynamic that like you said is not as obvious to me as it to those outside. once i figured out my ''part/role'' in the [family] drama i was able to rescript my responses a bit and move out of that ''part/role'' enough to make me comfortable and less angry.

make sure to take time each day for yourself no matter how many pressures there are to be here and do that. if we don''t take care of ourselves, we''re of no use to anyone.

peace, movie zombie

ps i used to work for a woman that each she and her husband delivered presents to both sides of the family before christmas and then they went to mexico just the two of them because they got so sick and tired of all the family drama.

 

[decodelighted]

Believe it or not, third parties (like therapists & new family members) really can help shine a light on negative or tiresome or nagging family dynamics that might otherwise go on & on & on. We all get so caught up in our "normal" routines and reactions & defensiveness - a clear headed observer can hold a mirror up to us to show us how we really are in the world. It might not be a pretty image. It''s definately not gonna be perfect. But it does show us what we could change with patience, commitment and strength.

Stay open to change if you can. Realize it''s not a popularity contest with the new in-laws. And ... this one is hard ... in stressful family situations talk less, listen more. You don''t have to be the "fixer". Ask yourself ... is what I''m about to say HELPFUL? LOVING? NECESSARY? If not - zip it.

Of course, I have a mom that''s a totally narcassistic alligator-mouth unthinking gossip that pits her 6 kids against each other while pleading ignorance to any competitiveness or favoratism ... and have had 6+ years of therapy to seperate myself from that cycle .. so I may be a tad bit biased.

 

[FireGoddess]

I empathize with your situation. I am an oldest child and right now my mother and my middle sister are in the thick of it. Actually, my middle sister has completely acted out towards both of my parents, claiming various wrongs done against her but for those of us away from the situation (myself and my youngest sister) it is quite clear who was been doing the wronging. However, she refuses to talk about it to any of us, and refuses to even listen to a viewpoint other than her own. My mother has been extremely hurt by this, and has "had enough." My father keeps telling her that while she is right to feel that way, she is "the mother" and should try to bend over backwards for the situation as much as she humanly can. However, a breaking point has been reached. You can imagine their holidays aren''t too merry this year either.

Coming from the perspective of my own family''s situtaion, I think all you can do is be responsible for your own actions, try to make the situation better, but if it can''t...then refuse to be a part of it anymore. If your oldest daughter is lashing out at you, why is she doing so? Has she ever divulged this in counseling?? Was she rude to you as well while bridesmaid shopping? Why did the other people present tell your son how horrible you are, if your daughter was victimizing you as well?? Does she talk to them privately and make you out to be the bad guy?

I wish you well in this situation - it is very trying, usually for everyone in the family. I hope that it works out to a level that everyone can feel comfortable, if not to the ideal situation.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 8:15:48 AM
Author: ecf8503
Oh, Deanna! I feel for you - does a cross-country virtual hug count???????

I don''t know what to say - so much of this is really out of your control at this point. You can''t be responsible for the thoughts, feelings, words, or actions of others. All you can do is hold your own head high and try to make the best choices you can at any given moment. If you can go to bed at night and feel good about how you handled things regardless of the overall tone of the event, then you are on the right track to keep your own self esteem intact.

FWIW, I think a lot of us have dysfunctional families - and even though we may be blood relatives it doesn''t mean we like each other or get along. Been there - it''s rough.

This is supposed to be a joyous time of year - to be thankful for all of the good things we have in our lives. Maybe it''s a good time to set things out in the open - acknowledge our differences yet let it be known we don''t care about each other any less.

I wish you the best of luck with this very complicated situation - I wish there was something we could do or say to make it all ''ok''. We care, Deanna!

P.S. Where''s that sparkly????????

Thanks so much for the virtual hug...

....I took a xanax last night and just woke up...its 9:43am as I write this. I appreciate you responding. I honestly do. You are right on about alot of us having dysfunctional families. My mom and dad are not speaking to my husband over something lame that happened back in June when they visited--my dad hasn''t spoken to me since--yet my mom calls trying to re-visit that day to work things out and get ME to say I am the reason they left...Yesterday they sent an envelope of checks for the kids for Christmas...weird.

Update on the sparkly...Talked with Topper Fine Jewelry and I "should" have it by Christmas Eve. I say "should" cuz with the chaos of the season, I don''t want to be disappointed too badly if its not..which I will be. Nonetheless, it will be soon...

...I promise to post pics...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 8:45:31 AM
Author: strmrdr
no easy answers.
The best you can do is do the best you can and keep on keeping on.
It will sort itself out eventualy.

Thank you so much...

 

[longtimelurker]

Date: 12/21/2005 10:12:38 AM
Author:DeannaBana
This time of year can be tough on some people...and I guess I am one of those people. To make matters worse, I am starting not to believe I can feel differently.

I want to make Christmas wonderful for my hubby and kids, but I have begun to become overly sad and matters here at home with my daughters, my oldest son and my soon-to-be daughter in law are not going well.

I debated sharing this, but I honestly don''t know what to do...

My oldest daughter and child does not get along that great with me and we both have had an extended history of this. My younger daughter and I do get along and unfortunately, when we are with other people especially, it is more obvious to them then it really is to even myself.

We went shopping yesterday for bridesmaid dresses--the future bride, her sister, my two daughters and me. I thought, for the most part, it went well. My girls are sisters and also have a distinct history of not getting along very well so the little jabs they do with one another I honestly hardly notice anymore. I am not saying that''s ok... just the norm for them. One girl points out that one dress looks better on her due to her bigger chest or the other makes sure that people notice her because of her waistline or butt or whatever. I just ignore it. I guess I slipped up a few times and let down my guard cuz the future bride and her sister were telling my son how awful I was, ''agreeing'' with one daughter over the other, making comments that they felt out of place, etc. So...earlier my son, the one caught in the middle of all of this, chastises me for my behavior and tells me to chill out on the ''victimized'' sister and to be careful what I say and act cuz his future bride and her family have no secrets and share EVERYTHING.

I admit...I let down my guard and was probably more chatty than I should have been and it was wrong. But my son wasn''t there for the whole experience and he also wasn''t present many a time when his oldest sister was no where near the victim, but doing the victimizing. I am in counseling with this daughter at this time to make every and I do mean EVERY attempt to iron out issues in our relationship for the sake of family. This daughter needs to work out issues with her sister as well and believe me, I will strongly support and even pay for that to happen, if they both are willing.

But at this time, I am afraid to move, to talk, to breathe or be myself around my future daughter in law, her sister or her mom who now have a majorly warped sense of who I am based on my oldest daughter''s renditions of how I favor her sister, love her sister more, yada, yada...

I am screwed...

So...what can I do, if anything at all? I have placed a call to the therapist to see if I can see her alone or with the oldest daughter this week, but with Christmas around the corner, its doubtful.

I have been one too many times the victim of this daughter and I won''t back down anymore. Besides, I want a loving relationship with her. Maybe not friends, but mother-daughter would be fine with me. All these people do not know her like her family does. And I don''t want to drag her or anyone through the mud...it doesn''t solve anything anyway. I want to move forward and so, the reason for therapy...

I am so, so, down...any advice would be welcome...sorry for the long winded, too detailed account but I can''t sleep and am a mess over this.

P.S. No one in my family--especially not my husband who is tired of the whole thing--knows how bad I really feel and I cannot talk to them...

I feel for you. My parents were over-the top about everything and how it would affect their relationship with the new in-laws with the first wedding. Emotions on hyperdrive. By the last wedding, 16 years later, they were so much calmer & easier about everything. They, especially mom, wanted everything perfect and a perfect relationship with the new family members. It was very stressful for them and their children. The last wedding, it was, we''re happy for you, hope your happy, glad to meet your future wife/husband''s relatives, now back to life. Maybe we see you (the in-laws), maybe we don''t, but either is okay--there is no right. Just try to be yourself and responsible for your actions. You just can''t control everyone around you.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 8:57:25 AM
Author: blodthecat
Hi Deanne,

Chin up lass. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can''t see it right now.

My dad died 5-years ago, and since then my mother and I haven''t spoken. There were so many arguements, so much hurt, so much pain. And more attempts at reconcillation than i care to mention. So, I eventually started to feel like I hadn''t only lost my father, but my mother too. (depression set in fast)

Even to this day, if my mother sees me in a supermarket she will walk straight past me, like i am a stranger. And yes....it still hurts. I even tried writing to her, to tell her how much i miss her and love her...but she never replied. Your right, that at this time of year it is really hard. The whole world seems to be happy, happy, happy. all except you.

Over the years though, i have had to learn to live with it and except what has happened. Simply because i can''t think of anything else i could try to make things better. And if i carried on the way i was, i would have made myself very ill.

You''re going to have to start with ''you''. Forget who said this, and who said that. We always want to find somewhere to place the blame. Accept the situation, you can''t turn the clock back. And also, don''t be overly worried about the opinions of other people, because that''s out of your control too.

You sound like a very caring person and remember there is no such thing as a ''normal family''. We all have our problems...that''s how life is. But you can definitely get through this...and you are doing the right thing by talking to people. Even if it doesn''t change things...its a release and gets it off your chest.

I have recently learnt to meditate. Didn''t think it would help, but it has. It is a release from the chaos of this mad life we''re all in. A chance to clear your mind of everything and everyone.

You''re gonna be ok!

and keep talking, because there''s usually someone around on PS who will listen.

all my love and best wishes...dyanne

Thanks dyanne...meditation...that might be something to consider learning. I am a loving, giving person who probably has given too much...I realize that now. And yes, I will get through this cuz I will move forward for the sake of my younger kids mostly. My hubby was in a major fog about all of this and was analyzing it to death. I guess I just feel shellshocked. I honestly thought Monday''s experience went so well. I guess that shows how out to lunch I was...

Again...thanks

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 10:49:08 AM
Author: SarFarSuperstar
It''s hard to deal with difficult people in life- it''s even harder when you''re related to them. I think Erma Bombeck put it best when she titled one of her books ''Family: The ties that bind and gag!''. You know you have to love them but sometimes (or often) they make it really difficult to do so.

I can at least sympathize with you- I too come from a convulted and rather unsettling family situation. My mom and I definitely get along better than my mom and my older sister. It''s pretty obvious to us and I''m sure she knows to- I just don''t think she really cares. She''s a very self-centered person- not maliciously, she''s just not good at seeing outside herself.

I agree that therapy is the way to go- ages 6-18 I was in therapy on and off and sometimes very regularly. It definitely helped me cope and sometimes I think I might need more- like maintenance therapy or something. Like I''m a car and I need my oil changed-I just need a head-shrinking booster shot. Who knows what will ultimately help you, but honest communication and an objective listener can never hurt.

I wish you peace this Holiday season.

Sarah

I LOVED Erma Bombeck! I miss her anecdotes and her...Yes, family is hard to like. I have poured myself into my first daughter more than she will ever know. BTW, On Saturday or Sunday, I started individual Christmas love letters to each child as one of gifts to them. My husband just got wind of this last night cuz he had to fix something on my PC. My hope is that each child will read of my appreciation of them as individuals, my love, my respect and my hopes for them now and in the upcoming year.
Get this...when my oldest son was "advising" me, he actually had the gall to suggest I do something nice for his sister who feels so offended by making her bed or doing something unexpected for her...as if I hadn''t already. I did keep control of myself and nicely stated he wasn''t aware of all I do and to leave it at that.
Therapy is the bomb...I feel its good just for maintenance...at least for me it is. I go to individual therapy to work through personal issues and it is a God send.
Thanks for everything and i wish you a fabulous Christmas as well...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/21/2005 10:57:16 AM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 12/21/2005 8:57:25 AM
Author: blodthecat
Hi Deanne,

You''re going to have to start with ''you''. Forget who said this, and who said that. We always want to find somewhere to place the blame. Accept the situation, you can''t turn the clock back. And also, don''t be overly worried about the opinions of other people, because that''s out of your control too.

You sound like a very caring person and remember there is no such thing as a ''normal family''. We all have our problems...that''s how life is. But you can definitely get through this...and you are doing the right thing by talking to people. Even if it doesn''t change things...its a release and gets it off your chest.

I have recently learnt to meditate. Didn''t think it would help, but it has. It is a release from the chaos of this mad life we''re all in. A chance to clear your mind of everything and everyone.

You''re gonna be ok!

and keep talking, because there''s usually someone around on PS who will listen.

all my love and best wishes...dyanne

some good advice here. you can only be responsible for what you say and do....everyone else must do the same. get some books and learn some response to removing yourself from our daughters'' bickering and how to respond to your son''s accusations. limit your time spent with the future in-laws...no sense in having to be on pens and needles all the time.

btw, perhaps you should go off on a retreat for yourself. remove yourself entirely from the situation, get some fresh air and take a deep breath, before diving back into the holiday and/or wedding stuff. who will people blame if you''re not there to beat up on?

and be brutally honest with yourself as to how you contribute to the problems. my experience within my own family is that there is dynamic that like you said is not as obvious to me as it to those outside. once i figured out my ''part/role'' in the [family] drama i was able to rescript my responses a bit and move out of that ''part/role'' enough to make me comfortable and less angry.

make sure to take time each day for yourself no matter how many pressures there are to be here and do that. if we don''t take care of ourselves, we''re of no use to anyone.

peace, movie zombie

ps i used to work for a woman that each she and her husband delivered presents to both sides of the family before christmas and then they went to mexico just the two of them because they got so sick and tired of all the family drama.

You are absolutely correct...I am responsiible for me and my actions and words. I own them and take responsibility. And I like your idea to remove myself a bit. I sat at my pc last night imagining where I could go and do for a little while. Sometimes a mental vacation is all one can afford. What keeps me here physically is my younger kids. They really, REALLY need me and for them, I stay. My 19 year old and 20 year old need me to a certain sense and I get on great with them. But the younger ones are the true reason I stay...or I''d be gone and not writing this. I have a place I can go and no one would ever think to look there and I would be just fine. I would miss and worry over the younger ones, though. Damn it...being a mom who is crazy over her kids is helll...

 

[DonaBella]

I appreciate you and your advice...the story gets a little more entangled. My husband''s closest brother is dating my future daughter in law''s mother and they are way tight. We could be looking at another wedding like end of next year if this stays the course...twisted, I know.

 

[DonaBella]

I want to sincerely thank everyone for their thoughts, their advice, their comments, their virtual hugs and most of all for just plain caring...

I am finally pulling myself together to do what I need to today for Christmas and that is largely in part to your support...

Thank you...

 

[movie zombie]

perhaps the younger ones would appreciate a break with their mom away from it all.....and perhaps you can do this in january.

peace, movie zombie

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/22/2005 1:34:53 AM
Author: movie zombie
perhaps the younger ones would appreciate a break with their mom away from it all.....and perhaps you can do this in january.

peace, movie zombie

That is a FABULOUS idea...I just might steal them out of school on a Thurs. and make an extended weekend out of it...good R and R and good bonding time...

 

[DonaBella]

FYI...I talked to Bill Caplan at Topper Fine Jewelry earlier and my rings are set to be mailed out Thursday for a Friday delivery!!!

I will update my other thread when I receive it...and post pics as soon as possible...

 

[fire&ice]

Yanno - maybe I''m off base here - but my issue is with the future DIL. Why in the world would she enter into the family dynamics in such a way? It was to only lead to no good. Your relationship with your daughters are NONE of her business. Part of being an in-law is accepting the family dynamic that DOES NOT INVOLVE your direct relationship with son & DIL.

I applaud you for trying to iron out some of the dysfunction (that is in EVERY family). But, beating yourself up over comments by future DIL isn''t worth your holiday spirit - or your spirit in general. You understand the dynamic. Honestly, I would put this future DIL at arm''s length.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 12/22/2005 11:24:52 AM
Author: fire&ice
Yanno - maybe I''m off base here - but my issue is with the future DIL. Why in the world would she enter into the family dynamics in such a way? It was to only lead to no good. Your relationship with your daughters are NONE of her business. Part of being an in-law is accepting the family dynamic that DOES NOT INVOLVE your direct relationship with son & DIL.

I applaud you for trying to iron out some of the dysfunction (that is in EVERY family). But, beating yourself up over comments by future DIL isn''t worth your holiday spirit - or your spirit in general. You understand the dynamic. Honestly, I would put this future DIL at arm''s length.

I appreciate your views, fire&ice, however, I want to sit down with her with my notes from all of this and talk to her--face to face. You are absolutely correct on several facts...She IS choosing to marry into this family the way it is. Its not her place or her sister''s or her mother''s to feel that they need to comment on my relationship with my girls...or my relationship with my son whom she is marrying for that matter.

I have had alot of time to think about how to handle this. My husband pointed out something very profound: she claims she wants an open, straight up, honest relationship with us independent from our son. Well, if that is true, her actions say something entirely different and that needs to be said and in person. Since it is me that is the "bad guy" and the one who is being bad-talked about, then it is me that has to face her and get things straight. She did call me yesterday but it was fresh after an intense crying session with my best friend so I was skiddish, paralyzed to say anything, and highly emotional so I choked up...I froze.

I am going to call her soon and arrange a time to go over things...I WANT things out in the open cuz I have nothing to hide. I do not want my son''s future wife to think she can talk smack about me and that''s ok. I also don''t want bad feelings. I am ansy about it, but I know its necessary...Wish me luck!!!

 

[movie zombie]

hubby comes through.....despite being described as not being there as he''s heard it all before! bravo! and with a very interesting and thought provoking observation. sounds like you''ve got it under conrtol.

peace, movie zombie