Hurt by FMIL''s comment

[Blair138]

Tonight while I was at FI''s, FMIL came over. We were talking about random things and I mentioned that FI and I would be getting a dog. Her comment to me was "Oh I told (FI''s name) that Blair is getting everything she wants lately".

I said "what does that mean?" and she busted out with "well, you got the big ring that you wanted, you picked it out" To which I replied "I am very offended by that comment because I actually did not pick it out, FI bought it all on his own". I looked at him and he said "mom, I picked it out, Blair did not". She said "Well, you said that you never wanted a new ring, so I thought you told (FI''s name) that you wanted a specific size. What if you got a small ring?" I replied "Then I would have gotten a small ring! I did say I never wanted a new ring because I never want to upgrade, I will always love this ring".

She apologized and when I left hugged me and said she was sorry and that she hoped I wasn''t mad. I said I just didn''t know where she would get that impression of me.

FI''s mom and I don''t have a lovey dovey relationship but she has never been like this to me before. I''m not going to bring it up to her or harp on it, but my feelings are very hurt that she would jump to a conclusion like this. I cried on the way home. I''m just very sad that she said that to me and don''t understand why she would have that impression of me

 

[Porridge]

Aw, {HUGS} honey, that was pretty mean. I'd love to know where people get the notion that your ring choice is their business.

Maybe ask FI where she got that idea? I don't mean to make you paranoid, but she did point the finger at him, and it's probably worth clearing that up.

ETA: ignore that last part I read the post wrong, where she said "I told (FI's name) I read (FI's name) told me..."

Sorry! I'm sure she didn't mean it, I hope she doesn't do something like this again!

 

[Blair138]

Thanks for the hug Porridge, I definitely need it as now I feel that all my actions are being scrutinzed and she thinks that I am spending too much (but I am being paranoid).

I told FI that she must have gotten that idea from SOMEONE. Though right before she did come over FI said she''s been being weird lately, as he so nicely put it "she''s going nuts". I think that you are right and I kinda suspect FI''s sister, though that would be the world''s longest thread and I won''t subject the PS''ers to that.

 

[swingirl]

FMIL apologized and hugged you. She probably didn''t realize it would send you to tears.

I don''t know the size of your stone but your FMIL''s generation might be a bit taken aback by the huge diamonds ladies now get. Or she might have misinterpreted something she heard. No matter what the reason, she did say she was sorry and probably feels badly that she said what she did and offended you, especially since she was wrong.

So try if you can to forgive her. It''s so much nicer when you get along well with the in-laws.

 

[missjaxon]

Aww I am so sorry. That is definitely a very hurtful and offensive comment. I don''t know your FMIL but sometimes some people just don''t think before they speak, and then there are some who do think and choose to speak anyways. At least she did apologize, but that won''t undo what she said and implied.

Hopefully your fiance is comforting you. Maybe she is feeling a little competitive since you are the new leading lady?, some Moms do feel threatened . Hopefully this is not the case.

 

[FrekeChild]

Seriously, why would she ever feel that saying that was ok?!

(And I want to hear the FI''s sister story!!!!)

 

[Blair138]

Swingrl You are right, I did say that I forgave her, but I internalize things way too much (it is a fault) and I just feel weird now. I do try my hardest to get along with everyone, and for the most part everything is completely fine. I think that because we DO get along, this comment got to me more.


MissJaxon I definitely think it might be the ''new leading lady'' thing , but FI has been living on his own for so long and we have been together 5 years, so I find it hard to understand WHY this would come up now. (though my friend has a great theory on MIL''s and their behavior when their sons get engaged).

Freke I will bust out the story very very soon, as soon as I have some time to type it up and make sure it makes sense. I have almost posted about her SO MANY TIMES, but the story is so freakishly long I think you would all fall asleep before getting to the end!

 

[Deelight]

Blair Irrespective of what happened there is nothing wrong with getting things or everything you want, if you can afford it go for it , being happy is not a bad thing .

As for the comment it sounds like a big case of the step-in-its it was mean and uncalled for but she did apologise so hopefully it doesn''t happen again *BIG HUGS*

 

[Elmorton]

((((Hug)))) Blair.

People are weird. I actually did choose my ring, and while my family was kind enough to bite their tongues, I wouldn''t be surprised if people saw that as being selfish. It''s a ridiculous assertion, but when people have ingrained ideas of how things should be...blech.

Anyway, I think parents often have a harder time with a wedding sometimes than the bride and groom do. It''s probable that your MIL is feeling frustrated with simply the IDEA of you/engagement/wedding - a woman/ring who symbolizes that her son is grown up and gone or even that life in her family is changing. Thus, you have the comment that she made - ill toward you but not about anything grounded in truth or matter. It doesn''t mean she has the right to treat you like a doormat, but I think it''s really telling that she DID apologize. I''d take that as a really good first step - it may mean that she realized that her short-lived ill will toward you was because of her jumbled emotions, and not any real perception of you.

While I hope that this a short-lived thing for you, sometimes this stuff just takes time. I walk a really thin line with my own ILs and I''ve been married more than a year now. My BIL told me at New Year''s that my ILs said that my DH and I take advantage of their generosity and I was really hurt by that (that they would think it and the fact that we avoid asking them for ANYTHING) - but I think sometimes they say things just because they''re not sure really what to make of how their relationship with their son has changed and the fact that I''m the first in-law and navigating that relationship is sometimes strange or difficult. I''m an only child - so the easy dig is that I''m spoiled or that I''m used to getting what I want. Around them, I really can''t let down my hair and say whatever is on my mind because I know I''m always sitting in judgement. It''s no fun, for sure.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Whether you get everything you want all the time is none of FMIL''s business. Even if you picked out the ring, and wanted a large one, you FI was ok with that, and again, it''s NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

I would have FI have a talk with her, and remind her that it was inappropriate, and again, none of her business.

 

[meresal]

Blair, I''m sorry that you had to endure the things she said, but kuddos to you for standing up for yourself.

It sounds like she was sorry, and I would assume that by what she said when she left, that she will be much more careful about saying things outright anymore. I think it is also great the your FI stood up for you. That''s all that really matters, ya know?

Everything will be ok!! ::hugs::

 

[Gypsy]

ARGH. That would drive me crazy. What a passive aggressive B$tch of a statement!!

That was just wrong, putting you on the defensive about your ring so you have to EXPLAIN to her why you have the engagement ring you do??? Usually I''m all for giving people the benifit of the doubt, but that was the act of a CHAMPION passive agressive witch. Seriously, then she asks for forgiveness, in front of her son... forcing you to forgive her and leaving you guilty for feeling upset? That''s professional PITA FMIL right there. Watch you back. I''m betting there''s only MORE of this to come.

 

[bee*]

You can pick your FI but unfortunately you can''t pick your FMIL

That statement would have upset me too. Maybe she''s just worried that your FI spent a huge amount of money or something like that and it probably doesn''t have anything to do with you as such.

 

[jcarlylew82]

im so sorry.
My mom is one of those people who will say hurtful comments, and then think a simple apology is okay, or not even expect to give one because they didn''t feel their comments were hurtful. It sucks super. But, you had your FI to back you up, and honestly i would take that ANY DAY over my mom not saying something rude (although, i am used to it!). I truly hope that in your case, she just made a crass comment and won''t do it again.

Your FI just got 5000 points in my book.

 

[sba771]

Just wanted to send you a hug. My FMIL is great but she also says some silly things sometimes too. When we told her we were getting a puppy she was actually upset and was hoping we were going to say we were pregnant (dating 3 months at this point) and she also told me that FI had found a much cheaper diamond than the one he got me, but he knew I wanted "a big one." First my FI actually had told me this already (in a much nicer and different way) and second I just don''t understand what the point in even saying anything like this is?

You are not the only one! Vent away to us anytime!

 

[Blair138]

oh my goodness! Thank you all so much! I am running to work but I wanted to let you all know that you have made me feel so much better! I talked to FI and after I left he said something to his mom. He asked her why she would say that and then told her that she shouldn''t assume things like that and to not say things like that anymore please.

I know that she is sorry, like I said before, she isn''t one of those people so that is why I think I am hurt the most.

THANK YOU LADIES!

You are all the reason why I love PS

 

[Italiahaircolor]

At least you had the balls to call her out on it...good for you. Keep it up in the long run and you''ll eventually set those ever-lovin'' boundries!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think these kinds of comments/reactions are actually pretty normal while planning a wedding - its hard for parents when their kids get married, it feels like they are losing them in some sense, and that''s probably what''s going on for your FMIL.

I''d just try to accept the apology as heartfelt and move on.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

What until you have kids

. I have a hard time confronting people but it sounds like your replies were right on target. Who knows what motivated these comments. Maybe jealously, lack of control, anxiety about "losing" a son...that is awesome your FI stood up to her!

 

[musey]

So what if you DID pick it out?

I know you didn''t, but what''s wrong with picking it out? LOTS of couples pick out their ring(s) together (we did), and it doesn''t make anyone demanding or entitled. Sheesh.

That would have hurt me, too. In fact, I got quite similar comments from my now father-in-law early in our relationship, before he knew me very well. So inappropriate. It is not their place or their job to judge.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I''m sorry about that

Some people are just very judgemental and tend to have ''knee jerk'' reactions to things.....