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Hurt and disappointment

missy

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It's inevitable in life to experience disappointments of course and the longer one lives the more likely one is to feel disappointment and hurt. I know it's a personal topic and some/many of you might not want to share. If you are willing though I would appreciate hearing about your experience with this issue.

I'll go first.

I have experienced disappointment in life as we all have and just posting one that still stings and is freshest in my mind.

In 2014 I broke 2 bones in my leg (tibia and fibula) and had surgery 10 days later and was hospitalized for 4 days and nights. My sister and nieces didn't visit me once before or while I was in the hospital.
When my sister was in the hospital twice to give birth (a happy occasion) I visited her each time and she was only there one night if I remember correctly. But I made the trip both times because it was my sister andI love her and she was in the hospital and I wanted her to know we were there for her.

During the many months I was housebound and could not do any weight bearing on that leg my sister visited me two or three times and my nieces came with my parents when they were with them about the same number of times. A month after my injury my mom injured herself so I get why my parents couldn't visit me more though my dad wanted to visit without my mom I declined because he is old and I didn't want him driving to and from me all alone.

Anyway that is still a big disappointment because my sister and I used to be so close. She doesn't live that far from me-about 90 minutes to 105 minutes depending on traffic. And I did talk to her about it during that time about 1-2 months into my recovery (I am one to confront troubling issues head on usually and not let them fester) as I was still housebound as per surgeon's orders. She made a million excuses and of course it was all about the kids and their planned activities since it was summer. They are just excuses. If she wanted to visit me more she would have and that is why I feel hurt still. You feel what you feel and while I rationalize it away in my mind to come to peace with it deep down I am still hurt.

And I make less effort re our relationship because I don't want to put that much more energy into a relationship than the other person is willing to share. It takes two for a successful relationship and I always remember the motto fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

Just to be clear I am not thinking about this issue all the time but every now and then it comes to my mind again and I feel the disappointment still. I have a decent relationship with my sister but it is not what I wish it was but you can't control other people's behavior and only your own reaction and behavior. To that end I am doing just fine but yes I still feel disappointed though I am moving forward in our relationship. And of course I don't put any responsibility on my nieces as they are so young.


I am interested in PSers experiences if you are willing to share. Thanks.

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YadaYadaYada

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Missy, that's really so sad to read about how you felt your sister really let you down. With time maybe the hurt and disappointment will fade but in the meantime, it just comes bubbling up to the surface.

My experience (which I've mentioned briefly in other threads) that really disappointed me was the loss of my best friend of 20 years. We were friends since high school, and despite her living in MO and I in CT, maintained a close friendship ever since. All was well until I had my second child in 2014, we seemed to have less to talk about, she shared that she was miserable in her marriage and wanted to have an affair, I was trying to just listen and be supportive at the time. She said she would send some hand-me-downs for the baby, they never came. Overall there was a lack of effort on her end, phone calls were so rare, to get one on my birthday felt like the best present ever. Texts would go unanswered, of course an outside probably could have seen what was happening but I couldn't see it.

Well, Christmas came and she said that gifts for the kids were in the mail, they never came, I never told them about them so they didn't know better. We had a fall out in January of this year and I tried to resolve it but she wouldn't respond. My birthday came and went and I thought maybe there would be a phone call, but she never called. I knew right then it was over and I sent her a text wishing her the best.

I can see clearly now that she checked out a long time ago, we grew apart, she felt guilty about having to work and put the kids in daycare and resented that I get to stay home with mine (based on comments she made). The disappointing part is that she could have just told me and it would have been easier to move on but I never got that closure. I do feel better than I did but there are days that are hard. Thing is I miss the IDEA of our friendship more than the actual friendship itself, we weren't really friends like friends should be.

What I've learned is that people that want to be in your life will make the extra effort, if someone is consistently letting you down and your expectations aren't unreasonable then you might need to re-examine whether you need to pull away and focus on people who really want to be there.
 

CJ2008

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missy,

wow, what a coincidence that you posted this today. (you'll figure out why).

I don't get disappointed for myself too much then again I've never been in a situation where I felt I wanted people to visit me more...it's possible that if I was housebound or were in the hospital even though I wouldn't really want people there I would notice if they didn't want or care to come. It would probably sting. Although I would probably hate if someone wanted to come to visit me a lot, so I don't know. For the most part I tend to push people away I think.

I've been more disappointed for my DH. Because he's the kind of person that gives you his shirt off his back. So I remember when he had surgery one time my family didn't really go out of their way to call him and see how he was. I noticed that. Even though my family adores him, it was weird that they didn't do more.

And then other things like that with him. Little hurts that he's had here and there.

But as for me, I think I'm the one that goes around and disappoints people...I don't call enough, I don't visit enough, you know? I have a close relative right now who lost her husband recently and in my heart I feel I should visit her but I'm too lazy. I've been calling her (which admittedly is a lot of effort for me because I hate the phone) and texting but I know it's not "enough". But every week what I feel like doing takes priority over making the time to go see her. I think it's because I'd want to go for an hour or so and feel like it wouldn't be enough. Then my mom would want a visit, and there I am 3 hours later.

So your post reminded me that it's important to make the effort when we want to show someone we care there is no way around it.
 

momhappy

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I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment, missy.
I think that it's important to remember that sometimes we contribute to our own disappointment because our own expectations are too high. If you have high expectations, then obviously, you are going to feel disappointed when things don't turn out as you had hoped.
In an ideal world, you would have liked your sister to visit more, but it sounds like she has a life too and since your issues were non-life-threatening, maybe she felt that visiting often just wasn't necessary. You were hurting, needing help, feeling lonely, etc., but her life was business as usual. I know you mentioned that you and your sister used to be close, but honestly, if she didn't even visit you in the hospital, then it sounds like your relationship has changed and it's not something that she prioritizes. Moving forward, I would encourage you to lower your expectations when it comes to your relationship with your sister.
 

luv2sparkle

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I totally understand how you feel. It has been 12 years since my son was brain injured and in a coma. It was a distance from my family but the ones in CA rarely showed up. He was in a coma for about 4 month and then transferred to another rehab that was much much closer. Family showed up during that year maybe once or twice. Conversely, one of my son's friends drove about 150 miles every single day to sit with him for a couple hours. Every. Single. Day. I still love that young man so much. What he did showed such depth of character. Most of my son's friends gave up on him. Brain injury can make a person difficult to live with and this young man is still in contact with him, even though he now has a wife and two kids and a career.

I don't know if I will ever be totally over how little family was there for us. I don't dwell on it, but it changed me. I don't ever want to be like that. Our friends were much more present and I strive to be more like them.
 

Bayek

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Aw MIssy, I'm so sorry about the sister :( I feel for you and I feel your pain. I have a sister that I drove 500 miles in a blizzard to pick up in Erie (snow capitol) PA, I never knew what a squall was till then... when she had her kids, I drove and and took care of them, meh, I'm gonna get myself all pissed off again.. I lent her a lot of money over the years.. When I had my son she said she would come, she called me in the hospital when I was all drugged up due to a c-section and she asked if I would be mad if she didn't come? I said I wouldn't be, but I was extremely hurt.. my sister is closed, inward, I have lots more stories of how she really hurt me, but for me how to move on was that I forgave her and moved on, I have great girlfriends (over 45 years of friendship!) they are here for me, and I for them.. I ask nothing of my sister and get nothing. But you know, I feel sorry for her.. very sorry. I always wanted to be close to my sister but I was the one giving... so I ask nothing of her now, wait for her to call me.. when our Dad died she and I were fighting about something and she said to me "you know Kate, I'm sorry I could never be the sister you wanted me to be".. well basically I wanted to be close! so I let it go then.. because what I felt she was saying was: I don't want to try to be sisters with you, I won't change.. I know it's not right to ask someone to change as most people can't unless they want to, but that really really hurt my feelings.. she has done a bunch of lulus let me tell you.. basically now I am close with my niece, her daughter and keep the line of communication open (my sister texts, no phone calls) and if she texts me, I always reply with a GREAT! or she's adorable! (her granddaughter).. I forgave me too, it's not bad to want to be close with your sister or brother. So I forgave her and me and now place my love and trust and care into the people I know who care and feel the same for me! I don't hate my sister or anything, but I guess I need more than she could give.

Peace!!!!
 

VRBeauty

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When my best friend passed away early this year, I was disappointed that almost nobody reached out to me, other than at the memorial service. He was my boyfriend many years ago, and I get that many probably saw the complicated the ups and downs of those years rather than the stable friendship of the past 15-20 years, but still.... I guess the gift from that time is that I now have no illusions as to who my friends are, and who I can count on when the chips are down.
 

canuk-gal

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Missy:

Not to be too cliché, but being strong, independent, and successful is both a blessing and a curse because others don't often regard you as needing or wanting any "help".

Of course that is not the same thing as being supportive but people don't separate the two phenomena . And I can understand you feel like you didn't receive support--we are human (afterall) and therefore seek to develop and maintain relationships. Had your sister been a little more thoughtful and considered your isolating scenario, you might not feel as through you'd been "abandoned". (dramatic descriptor, but you KWIM)

kind regards--Sharon
 

lyra

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I can't relate much to the family stories because my family was never close. I'm deeply estranged from my sister, and don't think about her much at all. My oldest daughter is in touch with her son, who is also estranged from her. My brother died 6 years ago, and we were never close either, but we talked on the phone once a year. My parents died a long time ago.

It's strange to me that my sister always had this attitude of blood is thicker than water, when it suited HER. But she was wildly unpredictable and downright scary at times. I talked to a therapist about it all. He said it was okay to cut a destructive person like her, family, out of my life. So I did. It was the right decision. We did have a final "conversation". It was far from polite. But she rendered me speechless by yelling that my life was too NORMAL for her. ??? Okay. That was almost 20 years ago I think. I don't keep track of her much. Her son doesn't either.

I don't know what my point is really. Maybe just that if someone in your family is causing you more stress than comfort, confront them and be prepared to cut them out of your life. Believe me, I have never felt bad about this decision. It's made my family's lives better. My daughters are now grown and they fully support that decision, because they actually still remember all the stupid things she did that hurt me. I don't care if other people think it's strange either. My life is better now.
 

missy

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Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. You shared valuable insight with me and I so appreciate it. And I am sorry you have dealt with similar hurtful issues. (((HUGS))).

Sharon, you really helped me with what you wrote. Thank you! I cannot believe I didn't see it before. When we were younger my mom used to do more for my sister than me and I always felt that my sister was her favorite. I brought it up once to my mom and she said it was just because my sister *needed* more help. That things were easier for me and my sister had a tougher time of things. And fast forward to our adult life and nothing has changed. But I know it is because I have my dh and I am so fortunate that I have his love and support and we have a good life. My sister is very fortunate too and has 2 wonderful girls who are just the best. It is her dream come true. But their lives are more of a struggle and her dh while she loves him is not like my dh who caters to me. You are right. My sister knew I was going to be just fine and while I was alone much of the day I was OK. I didnt *need* her to visit but yes I would have liked that support and love. Sharon, thank you from the bottom of my heart. How can I be so dense at times?

CJ. thank you and I am sorry your dh has experienced similar behavior. My dh is just like your dh and would give his shirt off his back to anyone and has time and time again been shown that most people are just not like that. My heart hurts for him when he gets hurt but as we get older we get wiser and while we don't always like who people show us they are it is up to us to believe what they are showing us. I am glad sharing this with you has helped you too. Actions do speak louder than words always and I think showing our support to our friends and loved ones can make a big difference to them. IDK if you remember what I posted in the NIRDI thread about J but I know it is making a difference. Sharing time with someone shows they are cared for and loved and I believe has healing powers. You are a good person CJ and I think you are hard on yourself at times but I want you to know I think I see you for who you really are and that is a kind sweet person. (((HUGS))).


Stephanie, thank you for sharing your experience here again and I am so sorry for what you went through. You are wise beyond your years. Sometimes we drift apart from close friends and sometimes the thought of what we wish the relationship was is more than what the relationship is in reality. I am sorry for your loss but you have gained a perspective that many people don't have at such a young age. I like what you wrote about focusing on the people who really want you in their lives. Thank you.

luv2sparkle, I am so sorry about your son and how your so called loved ones behaved during that time. I just don't get people's behavior much of the time. :cry: As you said it is under stressful times like this when you see who your true friends are and who loves you and will be there for you. (((HUGS))).
I was surprised at some of the people who were there for me during that time and I am forever grateful for making some close connections that I might not necessarily have made had I not gone through that experience. Some of the wonderful PS friends I made come to mind.

Tekate, thank you for sharing your experience and I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am sorry you got hurt. Yes we cannot chose our family but the relationships we have with our dearest friends are often closer than the ties with family. I am glad you have great girlfriends and they are lucky to have you in their lives. (((HUGS))).

VRBeauty, I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend and how some of your friends you thought would be there for you weren't. You are right. Experiences like these show us who is there for us and who isn't. It can be a painful and eye opening lesson but ultimately we are better off knowing the truth and having real relationships instead of less than true ones. (((HUGS))).

Momhappy, thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective. You are right in that often my expectations are too high and I set myself up for disappointment. My dh also says (but not in this case as he agreed completely with me about this) that I often expect too much from people but that's because I give of myself to people but I realize we are all different and there is no one right way of course. But I would rather be the way I am (a realistic optimist so while I brace for the worst I hope for the best) rather than be like the Bill Watterson Calvin and Hobbes comic I posted above. I am always going to care. My sister disappointed me that's true and has a busy life all of her own true again but she is my sister and I hope and think if I really needed her she would be there for me. I certainly will be there for her no matter what. I might not talk with her every day anymore or go out of my way to do certain things but push come to shove if she really needed me I would be there as I think she would be for me.

Lyra, (((HUGS))) and I agree completely and don't think that is strange at all. If someone is toxic it is best to cut them out of your life no matter how painful it might be because ultimately it is the healthiest thing you can do for you. Sometimes drastic measures are called for to make your and your family's life better. Kudos to you for having the wisdom and courage to make that difficult decision.

Thank you all for sharing with me your experiences and your wisdom.
 

Kaleigh

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Missy,
I am super sorry you have been hurt and Disappointed I think you have every right to feel that way.

Myself I was disappointed from day one, so I never expected anything from my parents. I raised myself and there were times where I would get an honor or a trophy and think maybe they will come?

They missed so much of my life. And I am hurt to this day but seriously it didn't harm me. I am the me I am today because I took care of myself..

My friends are my go to people. They never let me down.

Hugs as you go through this. ;))
 

redwood66

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missy I am sorry that you have had this disappointment with your sister. It hurts I know. My father has disappointed me on many occasions. I have tried to adjust my expectations of people rather expect than they adjust to me (or at least what I think to be reasonable). They just don't do it or are unable. This is hard and it has made me a bit introverted. Luckily I have my best friend/husband with me every day. He is my rock. Good luck to you as you adjust to what seems to be your new outlook on your relationship with her.

Hugs

Red
 

Queenie60

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Missy - I am so sorry for your anguish over your sister. We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends. We're stuck with who they are.

I've had quite the disappointing day as well - Bob and I met with our son on neutral ground (at a local park) to discuss how we can move forward from here. Short story - our son suffers with mental disorders and made our life a living hell since September, 2015 while living in our home. Finally, we moved him out in March. He continues to blame us for all of his faults - what terrible parents we have been, how we sent him away at 15 because we were such bad parents, what a terrible mother I was to him as I was constantly trying to help him with his academics, on and on and on. We finally ended the meeting after 1-1/2 hours of listening to him rant an rave. It's very sad as we have come to the conclusion that we will only have a distant relationship with him, small doses at a time. We will never see eye to eye. And this is our child :confused: It's obvious that he does not want a relationship with us and doesn't even want to try. It's just one of those things??? Family members can cause great stress, sadness, hurt and anguish. I have a huge hole in my heart, knowing that I will never have a real relationship with him. I will just need to accept this and move forward. Lucky for me I have a lovely husband and he's my very best friend. I have a beautiful daughter who tells me how much she appreciates me, each and every day. And I have a few very close and caring friends.

Wishing you well dear Missy - keep your chin up and try to find happiness around the grief your sister has caused. We can't force them to love and care for us.
 

anne_h

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Very thought-provoking thread!

I'm hard pressed to think of a time that I've ever felt seriously disappointed by someone... so far, I cannot think of any situations. But this may be due to several factors:

1. I have been told my expectations for others are low compared to what other people consider typical (personally, I think my expectations are "realistic") ;-)

2. I am often considered someone who is more independent and less emotive than most. Some people have expressed confusion about this, given that I am a woman. lol

3. I am surrounded by (what I consider to be) great family members, close friends and colleagues. So the opportunities for disappointment are lower...

4. I tend to fully accept myself and that others may be different. There seems to be something about this combo that inoculates me from being hurt very much... as in, I'm okay if someone doesn't like something about me OR if someone does something that I don't agree with. It's okay because we are different...

I am absolutely NOT saying that people who are hurt by others are lacking in any way. I know there are rude people out there in the world and in good peoples' lives. I am only talking about my own reality here.

BTW, to all those hurt by others... I would always suggest as a first step that you talk to that person and ask openly for what you want. If that person can't or won't hear you, then move to Plan B which is to try to give yourself whatever it is that you need.

There is a person in my family that was often hurting others and not fulfilling their relationship expectations... my loved ones were hoping for change and it just wasn't happening. Some of them had been asking for change for years. Finally I said that we need to stop expecting change and to accept that the person in question would remain the way he was. Some of them said that thought had never occurred to them. That realization seem to help my loved ones find closure and move on.

Anne

PS - I agree with some of the others to invest more in the relationships that are more rewarding.
 

YadaYadaYada

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An important thing I've learned is that people have what I call "limitations". People give to others what they are able in that time and space and when someone doesn't act in the way we would like it could be because they are limited By either their personality or past experiences or simply are struggling themselves internally and don't have a lot leftover for others.

In my case, my expectations were too high for my friend, I have high expectations of myself and it tends to trickle down to others. Its helped me to be cognizant that everyone is imperfect and most people do the best they can not to intentionally hurt others.
 

monarch64

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Oh, Missy. I'm so sorry you have experienced this sadness and hurt over your sister. I have an older brother and I can safely say he's the favorite--and so is his lovely daughter, my niece, so I've been through kind of similar feelings. I wasn't shocked or anything, though, that this is how things have shook out. However, it is often hurtful and disappointing to see it in action. Other than that, my relationship with my ex-husband was rife with hurt and disappointment. It just didn't meet my expectations, and I know I didn't meet his in many ways. I actually still think about that marriage and its demise pretty often. Not as often as I used to, though--I have a fulfilling and enjoyable life now and don't have much time to dwell on the past!

Family (blood relations) is different, though. Unless you go no contact/"divorce" them, you're obviously going to have to deal with them. I have 2 aunts on my mom's side--none of the three sisters get along for more than a couple years at a time and frequently go NC. It's weirder for us kids than it is for the sisters (my aunts and mom) I think. But...it's just family stuff. I *think* we all know that any time there is an emergency or real need to circle the wagons all "stuff" will be dropped and everyone will come together. Missy, I think your sister might have thought your husband takes such good care of you that she wasn't needed. But I don't know enough to go beyond that hypothesis.

I hope you two make amends and get back to being close. Your nieces young as they may be will totally pick up on any tension between mom and auntie, believe me. I think AND know sometimes you have to put the hurt aside and just love your sibling/relative. All the hugs to you, Missy. I totally get it.
 

missy

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Kaleigh, I am so sorry you went through all that and thank you for taking the energy and time sharing it here.
You are a wonderful woman and have wonderful children and your parents really missed out on all that. I am so sorry honey and I am so glad you have wonderful friends and loves to share your life with you.(((HUGS))).

Hi Red, thank you and I am so sorry your father has disappointed you on occasion as well. You are right in that adjusting expectations can help lessen the hurt. I am too sensitive for my own good and think about things too much. I need to get out of my own head and toughen up. I am glad your dh is always there for you and your (non diamond) rock. :appl:


Awww Queenie, I am so sorry. I wish things were different for you with your son but you and your dh have done everything possible truly to make it work. He is ill and you have to remember that it isn't your fault or because of you. He has a disease and it sucks. I am so sorry and of course you have a huge hole in your heart because this is your son but honey you really have done everything possible. (((HUGS))) and sending healing vibes and love your way. Life can be so tough so challenging and I am glad you have your dear husband, your darling daughter and your close friends who are there for you.

Anne, good for you. That is the way to avoid much disappointment and hurt for sure. I could use with some toughening up as I am a sensitive soul. That is just who I am but I realize I could use a bit less sensitivity perhaps. You sound like my MIL. She doesn't let her emotions get in the way of anything and is a pretty content person. Though I don't think her expectations are as low as yours because sometimes they are unreasonable but lucky for me my dh and I are on the same page when it comes to her unreasonable expectations.
And yes I agree if you want to keep that person in your life you just have to accept them for who they are limitations and all. None of us are simply perfect but instead we are all perfectly flawed. I love her and continue to have a relationship with her but have definitely changed in my attitude towards her in the past few years based on her behavior. And in time who knows. Things may change and we may be closer again. Her life can be hectic and I know it's not easy for her and I need to just put myself in her place and feel more empathy for what she is going through too.

Stephanie, I completely agree. We are all imperfect and have limitations and must accept that in order to enjoy the relationship we do have with that person. Doing the best we can do. I like that and thank you again for sharing.

Monnie, honey, thank you for weighing in with your wise perspective. I so appreciate that. I am sorry you have dealt with disappointment and hurt with your family as well. Families are so complex full of stress and challenges and hurt. Those closest to us have the ability to hurt us the most I think. I think you are right. My sister knew I was A-OK because I have Greg who takes the most wonderful care of me and during that time OMG he really went above and beyond. I think I detailed some of that in my NIRDI thread but I really don't know if I could have taken as good care of him as he did me. He is an angel here on earth and I think everyone in my family knows it and perhaps that is why it didn't feel necessary to my sister to visit me more during the time I was stuck at home for all those long months.

I also agree that my nieces would be able to pick up on any tension and I have to be cognizant of that when we are all together. I hope in time my sister and I will resume a closer relationship and with time that just may happen. We are all getting older and realize as time goes on what is really important in life. And when the girls are older my sister will have more time and hopefully we can get back to being very close. For now I accept how it is and I love her and g-d forbid anything should happen we would be there for each other. About that I have no doubt. My broken leg wasn't life threatening and I guess I expected too much. All about priorities right? Her family is her top priority and I am a distant priority compared to them. As it should be but I thought she could have put a bit more effort into seeing me without taking away from her family. It is what it is and moving forward from here I will keep a hopeful outlook. She is not a mean person and not a malicious person and has a lot on her plate. She could have done better and she also never acknowledged any of this though I talked to her about it several times. I think that is why I have unresolved feelings about the whole thing but she is not going to suddenly get a change of heart so I am going to make peace with it and let it go. So it doesn't hurt me anymore.

I am so glad you have a wonderful dh now and a fulfilling and beautiful life. You deserve all that and more. (((HUGS))).
 

rainydaze

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May I offer a different perspective, from someone who has probably disappointed more than been disappointed?

I am an introvert. If anyone reading is not familiar with what that really means (it’s *not* shy), I highly recommend reading up on it a bit! The gist is that social interactions drain me of energy, and time alone fills my tank. The opposite is true for extroverts. Until I understood this about myself, I often felt I was disappointing people. I felt a lot of guilt - and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. By trying to live as an extrovert, and by the always-falling-short feelings that came with it. With this new understanding, I was able to accept myself, accept my boundaries and be at peace with them, lose most of the guilt, and finally achieve more balance.

I bet many (not all, of course!) disappointments could be attributed to this fundamental difference in people’s personalities!

When I am ill, in the hopspital, at home recovering, down and out, etc. my preference is actually for people *not* to visit or make a fuss. It makes healing harder for me because it drains my energy, and I need that energy to heal. :) Some texts or a card - a simple acknowledgement - means the most to me. More than that makes me tense and uncomfortable as I just want to go inward and work through whatever is going on. So when it comes to my friends or family, I tend to do what I would want done unto me. I offer a gesture of love and concern, and give them the space to go about the business of getting well. I do my best to give more of my time or efforts when someone I love is really suffering, but I’m sure it still pales in comparison to what an extrovert is capable of.

As you might imagine, once you understand what an introvert is, having kids can complicate this even more. Since introverts are already limited in what they have to offer for output, kids tend to suck most (if not all!) of it up. When they are young they need you constantly and finding any substantive alone time to fill that tank back up is a challenge, to say the least . As they get older, enter activities and their own social needs which often involves the parent(s). Kids tend to take priority, so it’s no surprise, to me anyway, that an introverted parent has very little left to give relatives or loved ones.

If we are lucky, we have people in our lives who understand us and give us the leeway we need, are content with occasional get-togethers, more emailing and texting than calling, and know that our seeminly small gestures are meant with the same love and care as the larger gestures of extroverts.
 

missy

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Hi Rainydaze, thank you for sharing your perspective and (((HUGS))) to you. I get what an introvert is and while I am not an introvert I am not an extrovert either. I forget the term that is correct but I am sort of like an extroverted introvert. This describes me to almost a T.
http://introvertspring.com/6-signs-youre-an-extroverted-introvert/

1. You need alone time before and after socializing.
Your social energy has an expiry date. Ample alone time before and after social spurts helps you to recharge. If you don’t have enough time to yourself between activities, you feel irritable, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.


2. You are very selective with your social calendar.
You know that you only have so much energy for socializing. This is why you often take a long time deciding whether to go out or not. You are like a cat, not sure whether you want to stay in or go out.


3. You make new friendships easily, but have trouble maintaining them.
When you’re in social mode, you find it easy to make new friends. Maintaining those friendships is another story. You find it hard to disperse your energy between lots of people. You save your loyalty and love for a select group of true friends.


4. You want true connection. Small talk makes you sick.
You enjoy being with people, but not just any kind of socializing will do. You crave meaningful conversations, and true connection. Small talk without true connection leaves you feeling empty. When you deeply connect with another person, you feel rejuvenated.


5. You are quiet in a crowd.
Even though you like being around people, you don’t feel the need to talk the whole time. Often, you are happy to listen and observe. Or help the host with cleanup. This is especially true in group conversations, where you never quite know when to chime in. One-on-one conversations are more your forte.


6. You always have an escape plan.
One of your worst fears is being trapped at a party. You know that once your social batteries start to run low, you’ll want to get out of there ASAP. Sometimes you flee so fast it’s as if you’re leaving a crime scene. Luckily, needing alone time is not a crime (no matter what our extrovert obsessed society tells you).
I get what you are saying and appreciate you sharing your point of view with us. I agree that our different personalities can lead to big disappointment. Expecting people to think the way we think and feel the way we feel. We are all different and it helps to be cognizant of that to deal with expectations and soften disappointments. Thanks Rainy and big hugs to you.
 

rainydaze

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Hugs to you too missy! I figured you would know all about the introvert/extrovert stuff - you are so insightful and enlightened. And I learned something because... Wow! That all actually describes me to a T as well. I guess I have more reading to do! :wacko: :read: :)) Just when I thought I understood myself, lol!

Thank you for being gracious about taking things in another direction for a moment. I do feel for everyone's disappointments posted here.
 

redwood66

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missy thanks for posting that from rainydaze suggestion. I did not know it but I possess more of those traits than I thought. Good info.
 

CJ2008

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Hi rainydaze! Fellow introvert here! :wavey:

I don't see any difference between the definition of an introvert versus the extrovert introvert. What the "extrovert" word in the definition does is imply or point out that introvert does not equal shy and that introvert people can be social and outgoing. We just have a very limited capacity for it.

rainy, having watched this person be in the hospital made me realize all the things I would not want - tons of people around my bed and constant visitors :???: I'd be exhausted. Not to mention I have no interest in people sitting around staring at me while I'm sleeping, or eating, or just laying in bed, half dressed.

I just think there are times where we need to push through our tendencies and just be there for the person, even if it's still with our own limits. I just find that a lot of times what I want to do - say, meet up for a cup of coffee, or make it a quick 1-hour visit - doesn't seem like enough. Whether because the other person says it's not enough, or because I expect they will, so then I do nothing. And other times, really, it's me just wanting to do what I feel like doing. I do think the introvert thing plays a HUGE part because 99.9 of the time I just want to be alone (not counting DH).

I really was going to go visit this person last weekend but all those things came into my mind and I never went. DH had said I didn't have to (I had some things to do at home) and I took the easy way out and listened, even when inside I felt it would have been really nice to do. So now I have DOUBLE the guilt and will probably feel now I can't do a quick visit, you know? So it's a vicious cycle.
 

canuk-gal

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missy|1471293277|4066343 said:
Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. You shared valuable insight with me and I so appreciate it. And I am sorry you have dealt with similar hurtful issues. (((HUGS))).

Sharon, you really helped me with what you wrote. Thank you! I cannot believe I didn't see it before. When we were younger my mom used to do more for my sister than me and I always felt that my sister was her favorite. I brought it up once to my mom and she said it was just because my sister *needed* more help. That things were easier for me and my sister had a tougher time of things. And fast forward to our adult life and nothing has changed. But I know it is because I have my dh and I am so fortunate that I have his love and support and we have a good life. My sister is very fortunate too and has 2 wonderful girls who are just the best. It is her dream come true. But their lives are more of a struggle and her dh while she loves him is not like my dh who caters to me. You are right. My sister knew I was going to be just fine and while I was alone much of the day I was OK. I didnt *need* her to visit but yes I would have liked that support and love. Sharon, thank you from the bottom of my heart. How can I be so dense at times?

Thank you all for sharing with me your experiences and your wisdom.

Missy--you are too hard on yourself! If there is anything I can do--just ask! You are welcome! :appl:

xoxoxo Sharon
 

CJ2008

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missy|1471293277|4066343 said:
CJ. thank you and I am sorry your dh has experienced similar behavior. My dh is just like your dh and would give his shirt off his back to anyone and has time and time again been shown that most people are just not like that. My heart hurts for him when he gets hurt but as we get older we get wiser and while we don't always like who people show us they are it is up to us to believe what they are showing us. I am glad sharing this with you has helped you too. Actions do speak louder than words always and I think showing our support to our friends and loved ones can make a big difference to them. IDK if you remember what I posted in the NIRDI thread about J but I know it is making a difference. Sharing time with someone shows they are cared for and loved and I believe has healing powers. You are a good person CJ and I think you are hard on yourself at times but I want you to know I think I see you for who you really are and that is a kind sweet person. (((HUGS))).
missy I absolutely remember you going over to see J - and I *know* it is making a difference to her, and her kitty. Both are so lucky to have you.

I'm an OK person - but I happily accept your view of me. ::) like I've said a few times, being here with all you helps me be a kinder person.
 

mco312

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Missy, thanks for starting this post and I'm sorry about the disappointment you experienced with your sister. You are lucky you have your wonderful hubby to lean on. :))
 

purplesparklies

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So many have shared their frustrations and disappointments with people and situations in their lives. We all have felt this way at some point but to have someone you love who regularly disappoints is especially frustrating. I have a few of those people, both friends and family, and I used to get so upset. Once I realized that each person is only capable of certain things, it helped me to accept and let go. I don't go to the hardware store for milk and I have learned not to go to certain people expecting a specific response. They just aren't capable of meeting that need.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

arkieb1

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The thing is Missy, it's probably not about you at all, your sister might have an average marriage, she might have stuff you don't know about going on in that marriage, she might have a child that is an issue or that makes her worry or a million other worries in her close network of friends and so on and all of that makes her withdraw from you.

My observation over the years is that sometimes when people withdraw sure occasionally they are self absorbed A-holes that really don't deserve our time and effort, but more often than not they are ordinary people who have a heap of stuff they aren't always equipped to deal with that life throws at them that they see has being a higher priority than other things that probably should matter more. You're a lovely genuine person, and I mean that sincerely, if they don't have enough time for you it's there loss not yours, so don't waste another moment worrying about it. You might be surprised in a few years time to find out that your sister was experiencing things you didn't even know about and that was causing her stress, and lets just call it a misdirection of her energy at that time, who knows.... as you wisely stated above YOU can't control her behaviour, so don't stress/allow yourself to get upset about it.

A very wise therapist once told me you cannot control other people's actions you can only control your reaction to them.
 

Cluless

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Missy so sorry you felt hurt and dissapointed, I agree with what arkieb said above.

There is one thing that struck me though you said she doesn't live that far, when I read 90 minutes my reaction was wow that is far! I can drive to another province or country in 90 minutes. So just in travelling both ways on a good day is 3 hours. If she even only stays for 2 hours that's 5 hours away from her home and responsibilities, that's quite a bit. Just wanted to share a different perspective. I am sure she loves and cares for you Missy sometimes it's just not so easy to be physically there for someone. Hugs to you.
 

missy

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Thank you again Sharon. You are a sweetheart. (((HUGS))).
Thank you CJ. I'm so glad you are here. (((HUGS))).
Redwood, thank you and my pleasure. I think more of us are extroverted introverts than we think vs purely one or the other.
Rainydaze, thank you for your kind comments and more (((hugs))) to you.

mco312, Thanks so much. My dh keeps me sane in an insane world. He is always there for me no matter what and I know how lucky I am.

Thanks for weighing in purplesparklies and I agree. There is no one size fits all and people have different capabilities. I was disappointed in my sister's actions but I know she loves me. Life is not straightforward or simple that is true.

arkieb, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are right. My sister has her share of stress and worries and I know she is definitely not a self absorbed a-hole. I just miss the relationship we had before life got so complicated and I was hurt by her not wanting to visit me more when I was in pain, stuck at home and basically alone most of the day. I realize though relationships change depending on what one is going through at the time. I think I wouldn't even be thinking about it if I felt we had resolved this but I don't feel like she really heard me and that is why occasionally even though it is all these months later I start thinking about it again. I have to stop thinking so much I would be much better off. :lol:

Thanks Cluless. Yes I see where 90 minutes could be considered a far distance. We have so much traffic here. The distance itself isn't that far it's just with traffic it takes so long. I did misspeak (miswrite I guess to be more accurate) and when I wrote 90-105 minutes I meant round trip not one way. My mistake. :oops: But you are right that would cause her to be away from her responsibilities for many hours. She combined her few visits with me with picking up my nieces at my parents house. Still a sizable amount of time away but she did combine it with picking the girls up so not as time consuming as just visiting me alone. I know it isn't easy because I am not local but I also know we are sisters and I felt in my heart given our relationship she could have been there more for me than she was especially because I wasn't shy about how I felt about things. I never am. One thing you can say about me is I communicate my thoughts and feelings and you don't have to play a guessing game with me. Thanks for your perspective and I agree that sometimes you just cannot be there physically no matter how much you want to be. Hugs to you too.
 

BeekeeperBetty

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I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Some people, when confronted with medical issues in people they love tend to withdraw. When my grandmother was dying of cancer my sister couldn't stand to visit her. It just hurt her too much, and she withdrew. Thankfully my dad was sensitive to it, and didn't push her. My husband sees that a lot at work, too. He deals with a critically ill population, and it may surprise you how many family members can't handle it and don't visit very often at all. But then, some families camp out 24/7.

I sincerely hope you are doing better. What a thing to have happen.
 
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