Hugs, please?

[kas baby]

hugs!!

I have a friend who went through a bad break-up. He was very controlling and coercive. He was pressuring her to become engaged/get married/ among other things, and she wasn''t ready for those. She really cared about him though and put a lot of time and effort into their relationship. I think one of the biggest hurts for her was realizing all the things she put so much love into went unappreciated. She''s learned though, and that is so important. She knows now that not only should she put something into her relationship, but she is deserving of something in return.

I know it may not be apples to apples here, but what I guess I''m trying to say is, you are worth loving, and that starts with loving yourself.

advice: write lists of all the things you love about your family/friends/etc. Since we know and love them it can be very easy to write several things. Now write a list for yourself. I found that incredibly hard. Read them over and then replace your loved one''s names with yours. My mom told me that we see the good in others because it is also in us. Gives you a different perspective

more hugs! you''ll make it through

 

[sparklyheart]

***hugs***

 

[joflier]

Sounds like your really going through a tough time. Don''t be so hard on yourself. I think just about every one of us can think of a relationship that we wished we had been smarter about. But it''s the going through it part, that gives us those smarts to make better decisions the next time around. Hugs!!

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Gayletmom, Maevie, Burberrygirl, jewelerman, Kaleigh, kenny, IndyLady, Freke, OUpeargirl, junebug, BeachRunner, MissyDebby, Loriken, kas, sparklyheart and joflier - thank you so much! It meant a lot to me to log on to read all the messages. My family is quite far and I am very, very closed, so I don''t show my hurt to other people. Reading so much care, love and advice is more important than I admit to people I know in real life (go figure...)

I had a pretty rough night. I have occasional bouts of insomnia and, of course, last night was one of them. Lying around, too tired to do anything but not too tired to think, was pretty much a roller coaster. At 4am, my cell phone received a text message. I am ashamed to say I immediately thought it was from him and my heart began fluttering. But it was only spam and, at the moment, I was hugely disappointed and had a long crying fit. Then I had a long time to think why I had reacted that way. Why should I want a message from him? I think it is because I want to vent and rage at him about how he hurt me, how he shouldn''t have treated me that way and how cruel he was about it all. But, in reality, this wouldn''t help me at all. It would just give him another opportunity to mess with my mind.

The worst of it is that my orchestra season tickets are with him. Well, I am giving them up for lost. If he has the decency to mail them to me, great. If not, I am not going to talk to him for them.

Today, I will purge my house of his things: there are probably a lot of his CDs, a few books and random items around. Everything will be packed up.

 

[luckynumber]

so sorry lady D, hugs to you

can you share what he did?

My friend once wrote anonymously about an abusive relationship and found that overwhelming support she got really solidified her resolve to leave him, and then ulitmately helped her stop loving him.

There''s nothing like the horror of other people to bring bad relationships into sharp focus.

It may not be the right "vent" for you, but do consider it.

 

[Octavia]

Don't give up your season tickets for lost! Call subscription services and explain the situation (or make up something if you don't want to talk about it) and they *should* be able to cancel the existing tickets and re-issue you new ones. It sort of depends on the ticketing system they have, but I KNOW it could have been done easily where I used to work. It's worth a try for something that's important to you and will help you relax and find a few moments of peace!

 

[loriken214]

Date: 4/7/2010 4:46:18 PM
Author: Octavia
Don''t give up your season tickets for lost! Call subscription services and explain the situation (or make up something if you don''t want to talk about it) and they *should* be able to cancel the existing tickets and re-issue you new ones. It sort of depends on the ticketing system they have, but I KNOW it could have been done easily where I used to work. It''s worth a try for something that''s important to you and will help you relax and find a few moments of peace!

I agree! Please do not give up something that you enjoy so much!

How are you feeling today? Great BIG hugs LD!!!

Lori

 

[Gayletmom]

Sorry to hear that you had a rough night, LD. As unpleasant as it was, however, it sounds like you ultimately used it as a real learning experience. Way to go girl! I am so impressed with your ability to look at yourself and your own motives. To me, that''s really valuable. Most people have a really tough time with critical self-examination-especially so close to a breakup-so you should be very proud.

I''ve been thinking of you and sending you prayers and hugs. Be gentle with yourself and take good care.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Date: 4/7/2010 4:03:51 PM
Author: luckynumber
so sorry lady D, hugs to you

can you share what he did?

My friend once wrote anonymously about an abusive relationship and found that overwhelming support she got really solidified her resolve to leave him, and then ulitmately helped her stop loving him.

There''s nothing like the horror of other people to bring bad relationships into sharp focus.

It may not be the right ''vent'' for you, but do consider it.

luckynumber - it is long, complicated and involves some specific issues. I decided to bite the bullet and tell the whole story in a board that is focused on this.

I don''t want this to be easily searched on PS, but here is a link (I used littleurl simply to hide the name of the board from searches): http://www.littleurl.net/f5f362. Feel free to read, but I warn you it is long and very badly written (I didn''t was afraid that, if I went back to edit, I would chicken out and not post). Now that I did write all this, I feel very much lighter.

Octavia and Lori - I am getting the tickets back! I put all his stuff in a plastic bag (odd pieces of clothing, some CDs and DVDs) and sent him an email, telling him to pick it up with the doorman of my building. He answered he would pick it up tomorrow and drop my tickets off.

Things are going better. I took a sleeping pill last night (I hate them, but I didn''t want another bad night), so no tossing aorund, no bad dreams, just sleep. I am trying to get back on a decent eating schedule and taking some multi vitamins, because I haven''t been eating well. I am going on a nice long walk this afternoon.

The email I sent him was very bare bones (just the one sentence, nothing else) and I will be sure to be out of my apartment all day, just to make sure I don''t run into him. I am resisting the temptation to contact him and make him hurt (psychological pain is so much easier and more satisfying to inflict, as well as less likely to land me in jail), since, in the long term, it will probably make my recovery harder (since I will have to ponder and obssess over everything he says).

I have been reading a lot ("Shades of Grey" by Jasper Fforde is very good), planning my trip and dealing with passport, banks and other boring issues. Everytime I get caught up in thinking about this, I deliberately start doing something to reengage my mind (reading, sorting papers, anything that requires active thought and concentration). I will have a good long think session on Monday, because my therapy session is Tuesday morning. I am tempted not to bring this up at all with the therapist, which is a clear sign that I should. I am done with both burrying my head in the sand (I did too much of this in the last few months, if you read the link) and with obsessing about things.

I will deal with my issues (and there are plenty of them), I will sort out the damages but with a view towards the future and improving my life. And, when it is dark and no one is looking, I will have my cry and then pretend I didn''t.

 

[purselover]

***HUGE HUGS***

I think you are very brave for sharing your story. I think you should definitely discuss the break up and everything that led up to it with your therapist. I hope sharing all this has made you feel just a little bit better.

 

[movie zombie]

definitely go over all this in your counseling session.

mz

 

[luckynumber]

thanks for sharing lady D.

obviously there are BIG issues between the two of you.

i will be brave and say that while I don''t think your SO behaved appropriately AT ALL, I can see that you have such serious issues of your own, that the relationship between you two was always going to be very difficult.

this is a sad sad story all around. You need some specialist psychotherapy and I would encourage you to work on this alone without bringing another person into it.

i''m afraid i have put that badly, and i dont want to you think that I think this is your fault. It''s not. But unless you find someone that feels the same way as you about "that issue", then any relationship is bound to be fraught (I have seen this happen in real life several times, and I am related to someone who feels the same way as you)

big hug sweetie

 

[junebug17]

Please, please discuss this with your therapist Lady, that''s what a therapist is for. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope it has given you a little comfort to at least express your feelings. And here''s another (((((hug))))) for you. And stay strong, you can do this.

 

[princesss]

***HUGS***

For the love of all that''s good in the world, talk about this with your therapist! These were major boundaries that he crossed, and you (very rightly) feel violated. Please talk to your therapist - what he did could be very damaging long-term if you don''t use the tools at your disposal to deal with it in a healthy manner.

I know this hurts right now, but it''ll get better day by day, until in a few months you wonder what on Earth kept you wanting this guy.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 4/8/2010 3:23:06 PM
Author: princesss
***HUGS***

For the love of all that''s good in the world, talk about this with your therapist! These were major boundaries that he crossed, and you (very rightly) feel violated. Please talk to your therapist - what he did could be very damaging long-term if you don''t use the tools at your disposal to deal with it in a healthy manner.

I know this hurts right now, but it''ll get better day by day, until in a few months you wonder what on Earth kept you wanting this guy.

LD, I totally agree with Princesss!!!! Please do this..you will feel better for it!

Lori

 

[kas baby]

I think it was very brave of you to come here and post, and to post on the other page to get it all out. I think that was a very critical step for you to take in terms of you overcoming this.

Forgive yourself.

Things will be okay if you make them that way. You ended a bad relationship- that was a very positive thing for you to do (even though it may not feel like it yet.)

just so you know, you aren''t alone. ever. and know that the mind is a powerful tool- one that you control! If you find your thoughts wandering into dark territory, tell it to knock it off! You can choose what you think and how you feel. We are never stuck. I know it''s easier said than done, but it has helped me tremendously. A friend of mine posted this not to long ago, "If you WOULD LIKE to have a wonderful husband, fiancé or boyfriend that works hard to take care of you and would do anything for you, then ATTRACT the good men out there. Because great men are not as few and far between as you would think♥ "

so think positive and learn to love yourself- you''re worth it!

Hugs!

 

[oddoneout]

Oh my. Your story (from the link that you posted) is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever read. I'm am very proud of you for sharing your story and for seeing a therapist and working through your problems. Your ex sounds extremely creepy (to put it mildly). You are way better off without him. Please continue to focus on yourself and rid your mind and life of your loser ex.

 

[Tuckins1]

(((HUGS)))

Sorry you are going through this! I''m sure you will be a much stronger, healthier person after you heal up! It''s a good thing to shed an unhealthy relationship, even if it hurts at first. Keep your chin up!

 

[onvacation]

Lady_Disdain, sorry to hear you are feeling low.

One thing that really helped me get over my abusive ex was to think about my future husband, who is out there waiting for the right time to meet me. (I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out.) The first step, which I can see you''ve already taken, is to establish as a fact that you shouldn''t be together with this ex. Then, you know that there''s someone out there who is really right for you, someone who will love you, and respect you, and treat you right. Someone who will make you smile like a loon all day, whenever you think about him. Now for that someone, wouldn''t you feel like you were cheating on him if you spent any more time thinking about this ex? Would this someone want you to be crying over him? Would anyone who loves you and cares about you want to see you worried and losing sleep over this person? I know I barely know you, and it hurts to see you so pained.

I know it hurts to let go, sometimes I knew I didn''t want to let go. But in your heart of hearts, I''m sure you want to be happy, and sometimes that means finding someone else to be happy with. Go out and get some exercise (kickboxing is awesome for times like this). It sounds like you''re well on your way to being happy and smiling again, keep it up! We''re all rooting for you!

 

[platinumrock]

Lady Disdain, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

HUGS

This is very normal what you're feeling especially when you're going through a loss. It can be difficult to give up something that's a part of your life, a part of your routine, even if it's bad for you. This person is no different than junk food, alcohol, gambling, cigarettes or drugs. They give you the promise of pleasure, but they can destroy you in the end.

Then there's the deceptive promise of change. You go back to him hoping he will change. Or has changed. But he has not. And he won't. What is his incentive to change if he can continue to treat you that way?

He's not sweet or nice. He's playing with your emotions, and he knows he can.

I can guarantee you this. Once you decide that you're done with thrash and you're ready to surround yourself with people that enhance your life, he will come back with a new-found interest in you. He will see a confident, content and independent woman who has no use for him. All he wants to do is destroy this new person so things can go back to normal: he wins, you lose. That's the kind of story he likes.

Are you ready to close this book or will he be allowed to add another chapter?

 

[Arkteia]

I guess I have to reread your posting. I started crying somewhere mid-way, and I can not explain why. I just feel that there must have been many difficult things that happened to you in your life. You are always so nice, kind and supportive. I had no clue that things were so difficult for you.

Hugs, and all my support.

 

[luckynumber]

aw crasru, i hope you feel better soon.

lady D, i really hope you find someone who values you like he should, and keep working at the therapy.

all the best to you honey xxxx

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Hope you are doing well. I am glad you are reaching out because ending relationships are very difficult even when they are toxic. Just focus on you. Be kind and gentle to yourself. I think journaling helps. That way when and if he tries to win you back you can remind yourself (by reading your journal) why you broke up with him. (((hugs)))

 

[wsu12]

Don''t know if anyone has pointed this out yet but MOST of us here on this thread have ''walked a mile in your shoes'' and have been treated poorly and have felt deep heartbreak and heartache. There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is a person who will treat you the way that you deserve. I am an example of this, as well as a lot of other women (and men) on this very thread.

When I was in the valley of despair I never in my wildest dreams thought I would feel the way that I do today. Time heals...take care of yourself.

Hugs!

 

[wsu12]

..Upon further reading I wanted to clarify something..I don''t think anyone can really understand what you have been through. It sounds horrible and beyond shattering. Just know that people care for you and want to support you. Bless you for reaching out for that help! Sending positive thoughts your way.

 

[loriken214]

Lady D,

How are you feeling today? Sending big hugs to you!!!

Lori

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/11/2010 4:08:02 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Hope you are doing well. I am glad you are reaching out because ending relationships are very difficult even when they are toxic. Just focus on you. Be kind and gentle to yourself. I think journaling helps. That way when and if he tries to win you back you can remind yourself (by reading your journal) why you broke up with him. (((hugs)))

I just want to say I totally agree with doing some journaling. I''ve been doing it for most of my life and it really helps to work through things. I find once I write about thoughts that are nagging my mind they stop (for the most part).