How would you react to lack of gifting?

[Upgradable]

I am very happily married, 27 years today, to a terrific man. I was 25 when wed and I knew this would go the distance. With that type of personal assurance, I knew there were some things that I was accepting as not ideal, but worth the getting the rest of the package. Part of this is the total lack of gifting my husband sees as acceptable.

He has never bought "gifts" for me. There, with few exceptions, are no flowers or cards or "just thought of you" gifts. Christmas brings the obligatory gift that I have picked out and circled for him to buy. Usually pajamas. He has never saved up and surprised me for an occasion. Today was anniversary. No card. No gift. We did go to brunch together and then did a little furniture window shopping. But there was no gifting.

How would this make you feel? I really wish he would make an effort, but when he doesn't I'm not surprised. I know that this would be horribly hurtful for many. Should I feel worse about it. I just feel mild annoyance and moderate disappointment. He says he knows he should do something for me, he just never does.

 

[VapidLapid]

If all else is good but that he lacks this one very nice, valuable skill I would say chose your battles and let this go. Also tell him to give you $5K on a gift card or special account that you will use to buy yourself the appropriate gifts at the appropriate times. Then thank him whenever he "gives" you one, and tell him gently when it is time to refill the account.

 

[Upgradable]

He would $#*! the proverbial brick if I asked him for a 5K gift fund. VL, you know that I'm a self gifter. After all, a girl has to take care of herself. For him, it's about "disposing" of income in a way that is not practical. He doesn't buy for himself either.

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel slightly depressed reading your post, Upgradeable.
It IS lovely to get a gift that suits you, and that you can enjoy for years.

The only fly in my ointment whenever my husband gifts me is that I know I am the far more knowledgeable shopper, and will spend more time on the process as well! My husband is a '3pm on christmas eve' type shopping personality. It can be a little
But when he does get something I like, it's nice. He knows I only want jewellery, so he will have a go occasionally. He doesn't always gravitate to the very cheapest item in the store, either, which is a huge advantage in terms of getting something I like.
I hate to think what he paid for some of my items though, and I always hold my breath in terms of the quality.

Perhaps your man doesn't like shopping for you because he knows you would like the expensive shiny stuff?
In many ways I would prefer my husband to just let me know I could spend x on a present, and let me do my own research.
(Hey, we PS-ers take it so seriously, we call it 'research'! )

At least it gives you lee way to buy your own nice gift to yourself from time to time (I hope).
I actually really hate buying for my own husband and always put it off because he can be very picky and has been known to tease me for buying him lousy presents, even as I'm trying my very best to pick out something really great.
If I spend money he complains about the money I've wasted and if I don't spend money I'm sure he feels neglected.
Difficult line to tread.

 

[VapidLapid]

Oh, then I guess you wouldn't get to far with making it retroactive to your wedding which would make it $135K. I am very impractical. He sounds like he is very practical. There are benefits to that as well. Can you take comfort in the knowledge of all the ill chosen gifts you've been spared over the years?

 

[luv2sparkle]

I would not like that very much personally, Uppy. My DH has varying degrees of success at gifting but he tries really hard. Usually, we kind of discuss expectations. That diffuses the issue for me a little bit. It would bother me if he didn't see fit to even try, if it was important to me. I guess you would have to decide how important it is to you. If something I did or didn't do bothered or hurt my DH in any way, I would change it. I know he would do the same for me too. That is more important to me than the actual gift.

 

[woofmama]

Do you give him gifts? Did you give him a card? If you do/did how did he respond to it? Do you exchange gifts with extended family?
I think I would have addressed this issue long ago, because I would be hurt if I never got anything. It does sound as though this was discussed prior to your marriage but things change, people change. If you both agreed to only spend on vacations or special hobbies you share that I could see as taking the place of gifts. But if that isn't the case and he is just being frugal, cards aren't expensive and flowers can be purchased at the grocery store. I hope he changes his mind if it's now become important to you.
After all, making you happy should be his first priority.

I buy flowers on a regular basis. I love them and my DH enjoys them too. Maybe you should start putting beautiful vases of flowers around the house and mention how much you love them! Perhaps he'll decide to start picking some up.

 

[packrat]

Oh Uppy, I'm sorry he's not a gifter. I would feel sad, were it me. And kinda irritated too, I gotta admit. Not that JD's like ho ho ho Jolly gift giver, but he has gotten me things before. Well...before the kids came we used to do "real" gifts for each other for Christmas-the last several years we just set a dollar amount and then order our own stuff to wrap. He told me this last Christmas he's sick of that, so we'll be going back to the "real" gifts next year. I'd rather just get my own crap, personally.

I dunno. Does he not want to spend the money? Does he feel it's impractical to buy things that are not useful or that are more "fun"?

We used to do cards, then when the kids came we started making them w/the kids, for Mother's/Father's day.

Did his family do presents when he was little? Did his parents gift each other? One of my uncle's never gave his wife anything for Mother's day but was always sure to give his mother something, b/c he felt the holiday was for *your* mother, not the mother of your kids. So I just wonder if it's a learned thing?

 

[LaraOnline]

One of my uncle's never gave his wife anything for Mother's day but was always sure to give his mother something, b/c he felt the holiday was for *your* mother, not the mother of your kids.

Now that's just mean!!
fancy watching your wife work night and day with the kids and not take the opportunity to say 'thanks'.
It doesn't need to be expensive!

 

[Laila619]

Well I personally wouldn't care. Gifts and flowers and cards were soooo important to me when I was dating, but now that I'm married I just don't really want any gifts from DH and I told him so. I'd rather he save the money! But if gifts are important *to you* which it sounds like they are, then I think your DH should make an effort to do what makes you happy, even if he's not normally a gift giver. It's very hurtful and selfish to ignore a spouse's wishes. If I told my DH I wanted to start receiving gifts again, I know he would do that for me.

 

[Upgradable]

His family has never been big gifters either, but I think it's just become a lazy thing for him. I say that, but I really mean that:

1) He is super practical and super frugal. Meaning money spent should be well considered and used for a needed purpose. This is why I save up for and buy my own jewelry. This is why I'm no longer open to him buying me bling. He doesn't know as much as I do now, and he'd have a cow to see how much it cost.

2) He doesn't spend money on himself either, nor is he gracious about accepting gifts.

3) Early on, anniversaries were agreed to be a combined gift for the family our house. We actually went to the La-Z-Boy showroom this evening to pick out sofa and recliner for the family room. That's not to say we've bought anything. We'll see if that happens in the near future.

4) There are presents for Christmas, but not for anything else. No Mother's Day, birthday, Valentine's, other things. Cards about half the time.

I'd really just like to know that he thought about it enough to make a special trip/effort to anticipate how I'd react.

 

[kenny]

I buy him gifts with my wallet.
He makes me gifts from his heart.

Both are groovy.

 

[Laila619]

He would $#*! the proverbial brick if I asked him for a 5K gift fund. VL, you know that I'm a self gifter. After all, a girl has to take care of herself. For him, it's about "disposing" of income in a way that is not practical. He doesn't buy for himself either.

Well that's actually good, because it shows he's not being selfish or having a double standard about it. Rather it's just that he wants to save money. I'm the same way.

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

I would be sad honestly as I see gifts as thoughtful gestures. The effort behind it, the feeling of being special, loved and important enough for him to make the effort. I would feel resentful toward him when others shared the gifts they received from their husbands and I had nothing to share . I would also likely feel embarassed when others inquired about what I got for a birthday, holiday.

That being said, people show love in different ways and as you said he is a great man, I'm sure he has many other good qualities.

 

[lambskin]

I do not care about Hallmark Holidays and other dates that require obligatory gifts. Rather I prefer to get something really nice and tend to pool the b-days, anni's and major holidays into one bigger gift. My huband is under strict orders not to buy jewelry as I have specfic tastes and wants as well as some knowledge about quality and price. He is really good about getting flowers from farmer's markets rather than FTD and these are the 'just because' flowers. Those mean the most. We have been married for 27 years as well and we made our feelings about gifts known early on and have stayed on course with our shared beliefs and thus no disappointments. Of course if he were to surprise me with some fantastic 5 carat diamond... I would not turn it down. Being married to my wonderful man has been a priceless gift.

 

[Upgradable]

I just asked him about the lack of gifts, and he said that I am so picky. Early in our relationship I did give him grief for a couple of really bad gifts he'd given me. Christmas when I was hoping for meaningful jewelry, he bought me a clock radio. Yes, I'd mentioned I needed on with numbers big enough to see, so that's what he got me. It never entered his mind that I might be more hopeful for that holiday. Also, same time frame, he bought me a white t shirt for Valentine's day. I think I mentioned having to get some plain white shirts for work at the hospital. He was trying, but he just can't read what a girl might want. Teasing over these types of attempts may have caused him to give up entirely. I know he, and I, say as much regarding jewelry.

Being married to my wonderful man has been a priceless gift.

This is really what I do have. So why is it so bad to want perfect?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Think I married your husband... my wife then gf bought me a Rolex watch for my 18th BD, but after marriage...ZIPPO!..

 

[braga123]

I just asked him about the lack of gifts, and he said that I am so picky. Early in our relationship I did give him grief for a couple of really bad gifts he'd given me. Christmas when I was hoping for meaningful jewelry, he bought me a clock radio. Yes, I'd mentioned I needed on with numbers big enough to see, so that's what he got me. It never entered his mind that I might be more hopeful for that holiday. Also, same time frame, he bought me a white t shirt for Valentine's day. I think I mentioned having to get some plain white shirts for work at the hospital. He was trying, but he just can't read what a girl might want. Teasing over these types of attempts may have caused him to give up entirely. I know he, and I, say as much regarding jewelry.

Being married to my wonderful man has been a priceless gift.

This is really what I do have. So why is it so bad to want perfect?

I am glad you are giving us some background info, because it saves me the trouble that I was going to go through of suggesting if this had happened to you! I know this because for a while, I traumatized my hubby's well-intentioned efforts with my brutal honesty and high expectations without realizing that he was trying hard! It took a while, a lot of reminders on my part, and a lot of reassurance to undue the damage...but I didn't give up because just accepting was leading to a whole lot of resentment! 10 years later, things are perfect in that department!

 

[sonnyjane]

Have you done the 5 Love Languages test? My husband and I haven't exchanged gifts in at least 5 years (since we got married), but when we took that test, gifts were our absolute lowest category. We will try to go on trips for special occasions but we don't do any gifts, not even for Christmas. I suspect gifts are high on your list. I suggest taking a gander at that book with your husband so that he knows how you tick and in turn you can find out what he values.

 

[rosetta]

My husband is not a natural gift giver. But he's changed because I wanted him to. I don't want big surprise gifts (if it's expensive, I definitely want input!) but small things like flowers, my fave chocolates, books etc are much appreciated, I know he's thinking of me when we are apart which is a wonderful feeling. I would be unhappy if he never did anything like that at all. I'm not attracted to overly frugal people either. I don't like pointless spending but you've got to live a little.

Have a talk with him uppy, I can see this is bugging you. It may be too much to expect wonderful, extravagant, perfect gifts (which doesn't sound like what you expect anyway) but he can definitely come around to the small thoughtful gift camp.

Edit: I do have a running wish list of frivolities on my iPad so hubs can pick something off the list any time if inspiration fails. Sometimes I've forgotten what I put there so it ends up a surprise again

 

[Laila619]

Have you done the 5 Love Languages test? My husband and I haven't exchanged gifts in at least 5 years (since we got married), but when we took that test, gifts were our absolute lowest category. We will try to go on trips for special occasions but we don't do any gifts, not even for Christmas. I suspect gifts are high on your list. I suggest taking a gander at that book with your husband so that he knows how you tick and in turn you can find out what he values.

Yep, definitely.

If gifts is your love language, your hubby needs to try to "speak" your love language and make you happy!

 

[missy]

Hi Uppy, happy 27th wedding anniversary!

It's not so much about the actual gift but more so that it is important to you that he makes the effort and yet doesn't. Not even a card. That would make me sad but you have been married a long time and you love each other and obviously have a good marriage despite the no gift/card effort on his part.

The fact that it still bothers you means that IMO you should address it somehow. What have you done all these years. Have you bought gifts for yourself for special occasions or just bought for yourself when you wanted things like jewelry etc?

The fact that you are picky is A-OK. You could choose something together for a special occasion such as birthday or anniversary and then he could gift it to you. Or you could do what we did in the beginning of our marriage-put a few gift choices on pieces of paper and he could pick one for each occasion. That satisfies the surprise aspect and the pickiness in you because you are getting exactly what you want.

When we were dating my dh was an amazing gift giver but during the first few years of our marriage I decided I would rather pick exactly what I wanted (because he is/was not a great bargain shopper) so that's how we did it. Nowadays I just choose exactly what I want and he gets it for me for whatever occasion. Same for him and his gifts. He is just as picky as I am. During our dating period I got him this amazing watch (he loves watches) that I thought he would love and a lot of thought went into that gift. He thought it was a cool gift but he didn't think he would wear it and I am glad he was honest so back it went and he got something else he really wanted. I am so glad we have always had that type of relationship because it works well for us. Honesty and trust remains high on our relationship priority list.

There really is no universal right or wrong (as you know) in relationships. It's all about what works for you as a couple. The fact that you have been sort of OK about this all these years makes it just as much on you as him I think unless you aren't sharing more about this. If this had been the way my dh was while we were dating or first married I would have let him know for sure in no uncertain way and this behavior would have changed. Because for me that would not have worked since I like gifts and I like knowing he cares enough to please me in any way important to me as I try to do for him. I need cards and thoughtful gestures. They don't need to cost a lot of money but they need to show that he thinks these occasions are special enough to warrant some sort of effort. Even if that effort is minimal like asking me what I want and me sending him links. And the cards he gets me are always very special to our relationship which shows he puts thought into choosing.

I am very happily married, 27 years today, to a terrific man. I was 25 when wed and I knew this would go the distance. With that type of personal assurance, I knew there were some things that I was accepting as not ideal, but worth the getting the rest of the package. Part of this is the total lack of gifting my husband sees as acceptable.

He has never bought "gifts" for me. There, with few exceptions, are no flowers or cards or "just thought of you" gifts. Christmas brings the obligatory gift that I have picked out and circled for him to buy. Usually pajamas. He has never saved up and surprised me for an occasion. Today was anniversary. No card. No gift. We did go to brunch together and then did a little furniture window shopping. But there was no gifting.

How would this make you feel? I really wish he would make an effort, but when he doesn't I'm not surprised. I know that this would be horribly hurtful for many. Should I feel worse about it. I just feel mild annoyance and moderate disappointment. He says he knows he should do something for me, he just never does.

It really doesn't matter how it would make us feel. It's how it makes you feel since there is no universal right/wrong way for all couples. It makes you feel disappointed and annoyed so I think it is never too late to change especially something as relatively easy as this. Get those choices on paper and have him pick something for you Uppy...better late than never! And what really counts as you 100% know being married for so long is that you guys love each other and have stood by each other all these years in good and bad and sickness and health. Those aren't just words. Those are actions that ring truer than any old gift!

 

[zoebartlett]

Happy anniversary, Uppy!

In answering the title question, we usually count big purchases for household items or a trip as our birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts to one another instead of buying things that we don't need. It's not very romantic, I know, but we're just not gift givers.

If I was in your situation, I might be a little upset if I was expecting something year after year and my husband didn't acknowledge the significance of the day. To be fair to your husband though, I can kind of see how he might be reluctant to give a gift after receiving a negative response in the past.




(Totally unrelated, but Uppy, have you seen my message to you on LT, by any chance?)

 

[JewelFreak]

I buy him gifts with my wallet.
He makes me gifts from his heart.

Both are groovy.

+1. That is everything in a nutshell.

First, Uppy, none of us get perfect. I'm still working on accepting that after 36 yrs of marriage. (I think DH is, too. ) DH only gives presents on Christmas & b'day & usually sticks to things I ask for. I never thought about other times because we didn't do it in my family. Greeting card holidays are a silly waste of money to me.

I'd rather have the gift all year of caring, respect, humor. If he started "just thinking of you" presents, I'd wonder if he was having an affair. Those happen in movies, new marriages or before; I wouldn't expect them as time goes on.

The alarm clock just slays me! Hilarious (in hindsight, not so much when it happened, I'm sure). Our 1st Christmas together, before we were married, I gave him an expensive beautiful duck decoy he'd been craving. He gave me a booklet on Wedgwood pottery. Eeeeuuuww! I shamed him into improving after that.

--- Laurie

 

[diamondringlover]

My Dad was like this..he never bought my Mom anything..she use to get upset about it and then realized it was just the way he was and accepted it..she bought things for herself. They were married 28 years when he died...she didnt miss not getting gifts, she misses him

My hubby has always been good about buying gifts and cards and flowers but in the long run its just stuff.

 

[aljdewey]

I can see why a good percentage of men feeling uncomfortable with gifting; we really don't make it easy on them. We are just super different from guys - when's the last time a man said "what would make you get me an electric razor/new tie/etc. I was hoping for something more thoughtful like that watch I had my eye on six months ago."

Can you even imagine the shock if guys did that to us?

Here's what struck me when reading the posts:

It's not so much about the actual gift but more so that it is important to you that he makes the effort and yet doesn't.
It's the thought that counts.

We all say that, but wait.....that's not really true, is it? It was about the gift - he gave her things she had vocalized wanting and he thought would make her happy (alarm clock and t-shirt), and she admits she gave him grief because she had different expectations. The message this sends: "it's not just the thought that counts - it's how close your gift came to my expectations that counts and whether or not you succeeded in picking something special enough. BUT - I don't want to have to tell you what that is - I want to be surprised."

For many men, gift situations feel like being put to a test they can never pass. By not trying, he doesn't face failure or rejection.

Not gifting doesn't necessarily mean not acknowledging her - it would seem he did acknowledge her. They went to brunch together, and they went furniture shopping (because they both agreed at the onset of marriage that anniversaries would entail joint gifts like furniture, etc.)

Most guys are pretty simple creatures - tell them how to make you happy, and if they agree it's reasonable, they will. If you say "I'd be happy if you got me a card", then let him get you a card. If he comes home with a card and the only words printed on it are Happy Birthday, thank him profusely because it doesn't matter what the card says. It matters that he went and got you a card.

The running joke in our house is that Rich knows I want a "wife" card at Christmas. I wasn't a 'wife' for a very long time, and I want to get wife cards. I told him clearly how to make me happy, and he feels pleased with himself and successful when he gets them and I am happy. I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but it really is that simple. Tell them how to reasonably make you happy.

 

[missy]

Haha Alj, my dh so would so not be happy with an electric razor or insert whatever gift might make a typical guy happy. He's as picky as me. My mom often says we are a perfect match for each other and I know she's right. Though he's different than me in many ways he is very similar. And when I say it's the effort he put into finding me something special I do mean it. Because that makes me happy. The fact that he cares enough to try and find the "perfect" gift for me. But since he has fallen short many times I now pick my own but I am pleased as punch (or whatever that saying is) that he went to the trouble to try. So it is the thought and effort he put into it that counts but doesn't mean I am keeping something I won't use and enjoy. But doesn't take anything away from him and makes me cherish him even more that he went through trying to find the right gift for me if that makes any sense.

And that's why I think if you want a surprise and want the perfect gift (for you) writing a few of them down on a piece of paper and having him choose gives you the best of both worlds. A surprise and a great gift. Just an idea that worked for us in the first few years of our marriage for both of our gifts. Now I am quite content in each of us picking out our own gifts because that also shows we care and there is no "test" or fear of failure that way. A good solution for some I think.

What struck me when reading Uppy's post was the question about the lack of gifting. That would make me unhappy and it sounds like she is less than happy with it as well. Doesn't mean they don't have a super successful marriage (cause it sounds like they do!) but there's always room for improvement in most relationships so sounds like this one isn't a difficult fix at all. He just needs to be a bit more sensitive to her needs IMO and such an easy solution. Just make the effort (card, gift-just ask her what she wants if all else fails!) and I think she would be pleased.

I can see why a good percentage of men feeling uncomfortable with gifting; we really don't make it easy on them. We are just super different from guys - when's the last time a man said "what would make you get me an electric razor/new tie/etc. I was hoping for something more thoughtful like that watch I had my eye on six months ago."

Can you even imagine the shock if guys did that to us?

Here's what struck me when reading the posts:

It's not so much about the actual gift but more so that it is important to you that he makes the effort and yet doesn't.
It's the thought that counts.

We all say that, but wait.....that's not really true, is it? It was about the gift - he gave her things she had vocalized wanting and he thought would make her happy (alarm clock and t-shirt), and she admits she gave him grief because she had different expectations. The message this sends: "it's not just the thought that counts - it's how close your gift came to my expectations that counts and whether or not you succeeded in picking something special enough. BUT - I don't want to have to tell you what that is - I want to be surprised."

For many men, gift situations feel like being put to a test they can never pass. By not trying, he doesn't face failure or rejection.

Not gifting doesn't necessarily mean not acknowleging her - it would seem he did acknowledge her. They went to brunch together, and they went furniture shopping (because they both agreed at the onset of marriage that anniversaries would entail joint gifts like furniture, etc.)

Most guys are pretty simple creatures - tell them how to make you happy, and if they agree it's reasonable, they will. If you say "I'd be happy if you got me a card", then let him get you a card. If he comes home with a card and the only words printed on it are Happy Birthday, thank him profusely because it doesn't matter what the card says. It matters that he went and got you a card.

 

[movie zombie]

I think we [society, marketing to females, women in general] have romanticized gift giving between partners.
i have come to a point in my life now where i just frankly don't give a damn, scarlet.
i find that being able to buy my own gift that is what I want rather than him getting me what he thinks i want to be liberating. of course, this is marriage #3 so a lot of lessons and changes have occurred for me over the years.
there have been some adjustments that were difficult but it has paid off for me.
admittedly, he does buy me a card for each of the special occasions........this means lots.
but at the end of the year when i look back it is the little things that he does for me....things that i don't think i do for him that mean more than anything. the things he does to make my life easier are as simple as asking every day before he comes home from work if i need him to stop and get anything.
in many ways i think he does the heavy lifting in this relationship. and for that i am grateful.

oh, and i nearly forgot, every once in a while he'll hand me something that he got off kickstarter or some such thing that is rather practical and techie at the same time. anyone else have a titanium spork/bottle opener? $ into an Australian zombie movie in our name?

sometimes the romance comes under the strangest of rocks..........

 

[marymm]

My DH is pretty terrible with gift-giving as well - probably 3/4 of the time I get nothing at all; and the other 1/4 of the time he gives very nice gifts usually bought the same day as the occasion (or day before), or sometimes just a card. His family is absolutely terrible when it comes to gifts - weeks and months later a gift may pop up from my MIL or BIL (oh, this is for your birthday... 5 months ago!). But they do like to come together to celebrate on or near the occasion, and that is very important.

For my DH, I will wait a week and if nothing is given and nothing is said, I'll buy myself something and tell him it is from him.

What I've found works best is to expressly tell him, every so often, what my expectations are: as an example, for a significant anniversary, I told him I wanted a beautiful flower arrangement from a specific florist, and that I wanted it on the day (or the day before, if work was a conflict). I did get the flowers, and they were gorgeous, and he was very proud he gave them to me. It turned into his idea, which is fine with me.

He wants to make me happy; he just doesn't come from a background of gift-givers or people who value timely gift-giving. I will say he spontaneously will do/give extra sweet things once or twice a year, and that makes up for a lot.

Maybe another frank talk with your DH is in order? I also remind my DH every so often that a nice card or handwritten note is entirely sufficient and more than welcome for any occasion.

 

[missy]

I want to add that I totally agree with those who wrote it's the everyday actions that mean the most. For example my dh has gone on every single doctors appointment with me since I got ill a few months ago. And there have been many. It hasn't been easy but knowing he is there for me no matter what means everything to me. And when you come right down to it that's what is important in life. Knowing there are people who love you and will always be there for you as you are for them. Having said that though little things add up and can improve any relationship. All depends on what the individuals in each relationship value. No universal right or wrong.