How would you feel??

[ALittleObsessed]

I want to vent a little and get some ladies'' opinions...

My friend (let''s call her Mary) and her SS have been dating a little less than a year. They''ve been discussing marriage for at least half of that but agreed that they should really wait at least a year to get engaged. Over the last few months Mary and I have been looking for fun at some rings in the $1000 range. She really liked princess cuts and asschers. Her SS does not have a lot of money right now and she thought this was about the range he could afford. Fair enough.

This past weekend, Mary is hosting dinner with her SS and his mother and the mom pulls her aside and reveals that she has a .5ct marquise diamond she would like to give her SS to have reset. Mary is unsure she likes the marquise shape but as she starts looking at some settings, she''s getting excited about it. She sends a few examples from BlueNile of settings she likes to his mom to help give her SS an idea of what to get.

Fast forward 2 days (today) and Mary and SS''s mom are going back and forth through email about settings. Her mom asks if she really likes the marquise or if she would prefer a different shape. Mary tells me she isn''t sure because she likes them all now. Next thing I know, I get an email from Mary, "SHE BOUGHT THE RING!!!" ... ???

The rest of the email goes like this:
She called me about an hour ago and said she ordered it from Blue Nile. She wouldn’t reveal much, but she bought the diamond and the setting for a little over $2K. The diamond is .53k with an 18k white gold setting with side stones. She said the cut is very good with E color and very little inclusions. She didn’t say what cut it was, but offered to send me a picture. I told her I wanted to be at least a little surprised lol. She said that [SS] is aware that she is doing this and now it’s up to him when to give it to me. She said that he is paying for most of it, but since he’s not good with this stuff, she wanted to help and make sure I got something I really liked.

I have MIL issues, so I may be biased here, but I don''t like the idea that her SS had very little to do with this purchase. I''m not sure who to blame here, the over-controlling mom, the SS for not stepping in, or both??

She''s excited and has two upcoming dates in mind for when he will propose, but this just feels wrong.

Opinions??

 

[mrscushion]

Sounds to me like a very over-involved mother who doesn''t really think about boundaries very much. Perhaps she only means the best for her son and his girlfriend, but I too think that the guy in question should have been a lot more involved from the start.

 

[Still_Waiting]

How would I feel if I were your friend? Or how would I feel if I were you?

If I were your friend, I''d be VERY disappointed. If my FMIL started getting that involved, you can bet I''d be talking with SO about the whole thing! I want my e-ring to be from my SO NOT his mother. LOL

Now if I were you, I''d feel bad for my friend. But, since it''s not really my business, then I''d stay out of it. If she''s happy, that''s all that would be important to me. I''d feel bad about the ring, sure, but also about how involved her FMIL is likely to be in their future. It would definitely raise red flags for me if I were her!

The whole things sounds odd to me. What a bizarre story!

 

[princesss]

I would be really unhappy, but if she''s happy, she''s happy. It''s not our place to judge how it happens, or who spent what on it. While it''s not a situation I would want to be in, if she''s happy with it, that''s all that matters.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay here is my take on the thing...

SS has a very generous mother who really approves of Mary wants to help celebrate their love and commitment by helping her son afford the ring he wants to present to the woman he loves and wants to marry.

Personally I believe that if both Mary and SS were okay with Mom pitching in some money, who are we say any different? After all, different relationships may have different dynamics.

As her friend, I think you need to lay your preconcieved notions to rest and just be happy for her. I too have a troubled relationship with my in-laws...but when other people have great relationships with their In's I'm genuinely happy for them--no BS. No one should have to struggle when blending families...unfortunately some of us do...but for others, it comes naturally--and that is 100% a great thing.

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 3:53:43 PM
Author: Still_Waiting
How would I feel if I were your friend? Or how would I feel if I were you?


If I were your friend, I''d be VERY disappointed. If my FMIL started getting that involved, you can bet I''d be talking with SO about the whole thing! I want my e-ring to be from my SO NOT his mother. LOL


Now if I were you, I''d feel bad for my friend. But, since it''s not really my business, then I''d stay out of it. If she''s happy, that''s all that would be important to me. I''d feel bad about the ring, sure, but also about how involved her FMIL is likely to be in their future. It would definitely raise red flags for me if I were her!


The whole things sounds odd to me. What a bizarre story!

Thanks. I did mean how would you feel if you were HER. She''s definitely excited and still considers it a surprise, so i''m happy for her. I didn''t say anything negative to her other than that I felt bad she ruined the surprise. Mary had been telling me just this weekend she wants the whole event to be a surprise because shes had very little surprises in her life. I personally have no issue with the ring not being a surprise, I picked mine out with my fiance. It''s the mother''s role that irks me. this whole thing happened over 3 days.

Oh and I don''t know why I kept writing SS and not SO lol. Maybe i''ll go and edit that...

 

[fieryred33143]

Wow

I am just...wow.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:04:19 PM
Author: ALittleObsessed

Thanks. I did mean how would you feel if you were HER. She''s definitely excited and still considers it a surprise, so i''m happy for her. I didn''t say anything negative to her other than that I felt bad she ruined the surprise. Mary had been telling me just this weekend she wants the whole event to be a surprise because shes had very little surprises in her life. I personally have no issue with the ring not being a surprise, I picked mine out with my fiance. It''s the mother''s role that irks me. this whole thing happened over 3 days.

Oh and I don''t know why I kept writing SS and not SO lol. Maybe i''ll go and edit that...

The quick three day thing is kinda crazy to me too. When I think about how many times I''ve changed my mind about what I like...well, I guess having it purchased so quickly won''t really give her time to change her mind! (Unless once it''s on her finger she realizes how disappointed she is.

) Well, it''s a good thing she''s happy! She''s getting engaged, afterall!!!

 

[KatM]

whatever reaction your friend has to it, i would support that without interjecting your own unless it''s asked for.

that said, i''d probably be disappointed if i were her. i would appreciate that mil was probably just trying to help, loves her son and gf, and wants to make everyone happy. i''d also be worried that she''d overstep boundaries later on, especially as it seems that she is still quite attached to him as a child (and hasnt quite shifted into that parent-adult child relationship yet).

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

I would not be happy if my FMIL bought the ring my FF was going to present to me. Whats the point in that? Even when youre in grammar school and that first "boyfriend" saves up money to buy you a stuffed animal or grocery store flowers or whatever- he uses his own money to do so. An heirloom piece is one thing, but a brand new ring being purchased by anyone but your SO just seems to take the entire reason out of an engagement ring in the first place.

 

[Lulie]

Tehehhe, a little nosey FMIL, maybe she''s the first/last DIL? she honestly likes her?
You know, it didn''t cost a thing! I would let her enjoy her ring/day, as I''m sure is gorgeous, glad to hear you''re happy it means you''re a good friend.

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:02:33 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay here is my take on the thing...


SS has a very generous mother who really approves of Mary wants to help celebrate their love and commitment by helping her son afford the ring he wants to present to the woman he loves and wants to marry.


Personally I believe that if both Mary and SS were okay with Mom pitching in some money, who are we say any different? After all, different relationships may have different dynamics.


As her friend, I think you need to lay your preconcieved notions to rest and just be happy for her. I too have a troubled relationship with my in-laws...but when other people have great relationships with their In''s I''m genuinely happy for them--no BS. No one should have to struggle when blending families...unfortunately some of us do...but for others, it comes naturally--and that is 100% a great thing.

Definitely agree with you, and I was willing to say that I have a biased opinion on mothers getting in the way. I also do not think it''s wrong that she offered to pay for a portion. Do you, however, think it''s ok that she went ahead and bought a ring? She was not with SO when she ordered it. It''s not like they discussed it and picked it out together. He was at work the entire time and i''m not positive that he knows his mom told Mary she bought it.

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:16:54 PM
Author: KatM
whatever reaction your friend has to it, i would support that without interjecting your own unless it''s asked for.


that said, i''d probably be disappointed if i were her. i would appreciate that mil was probably just trying to help, loves her son and gf, and wants to make everyone happy. i''d also be worried that she''d overstep boundaries later on, especially as it seems that she is still quite attached to him as a child (and hasnt quite shifted into that parent-adult child relationship yet).

lol this is something Mary has actually brought up. His mom is slightly disabled and has a hard time doing things around the house. She now lives alone. SO lived with her until November, when Mary and SO bought a townhouse together (SO pays less than half of the mortgage, but thats another topic). She has annoyed Mary a few times because she would ask SO to come over and mow the lawn or something when he was busy. He always said yes. She also discourages him from speaking to the rest of his family, including his brother which SO has a very good relationship with. I think she is trying to keep a strong hold on the last thing she truly has left (she''s single and does not speak to her family. she is also looking to retire and move to NC where she will know no one.)

I''ve met this woman once and she''s definitely a nice lady. Mary has told me she can get a little scary and you don''t want to get on her bad side. When Mary mentioned to her that i was looking at reception sites, the mother started looking for me!. She kept telling Mary that Boston Market does wonderful catering and persisted and printed out menus even after Mary told her she didn''t think it was practical for the wedding I was planning

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:34:09 PM
Author: ALittleObsessed


I''ve met this woman once and she''s definitely a nice lady. Mary has told me she can get a little scary and you don''t want to get on her bad side. When Mary mentioned to her that i was looking at reception sites, the mother started looking for me!. She kept telling Mary that Boston Market does wonderful catering and persisted and printed out menus even after Mary told her she didn''t think it was practical for the wedding I was planning

When your friend is planning the wedding she should expect emails like:

I booked the wedding venue already and made an appointment for you to try on x, y, and z dresses.

 

[tlh]

You know, I think it is nice that they were able to BOND. It is so hard sometimes to get that warm and fuzzy feeling from your mother in law.. and maybe this was her FMIL''s way of bonding?

I would only be upset that my SO left the selection up to someone else... NOT ME, or HIM... but his mom. I wouldn''t mind input, because no one who is illinformed wants to make a poor decision/purchase. I AM bothered that she picked it out and then paid for it! Maybe he''s paying his mom back, but I think it sets a poor precident for the future. An engagement ring is a promise from one person to the next... and is a symbol of marriage, a joint partnership. I''d want my partner to be more involved than that.

 

[Bia]

As long as my friend was okay with it I wouldn't worry myself.

Your friend sounds like getting engaged is what's important to her, even if it means her man didn't put his foot down and say, "Listen mom, I'm buying the ring. Thanks for the generous offer, but I got it from here." ***If that's okay with her, then let it be okay with you.


As for dear FMIL...she sounds like a nice woman but also sounds like one that likes to have control. My FMIL is similar (I love her to death but that woman is a control freak), but I know how to handle her. She can only run your life if you let her.

You sound like a good friend though...

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 5:03:34 PM
Author: Bia

You sound like a good friend though...

Thanks. I don''t want to come across as not being happy for her. I just needed to get a few concerns off my chest since I can''t say all of this to her. I always thought she was sort of "settling" and I just want everything to be as perfect as possible for her. I just hope mom didn''t get her a round brilliant because that''s the one shape Mary did NOT want! lol

 

[trillionaire]

Wait, I thought that FMIL HAD a marquise diamond already that she was offering, and then she just up and bought something else? Tres strange... I am always a little concerned when me are uninvolved or uninterested in something that is so important to their women, but if your friend is happy then congrats to all three of them!

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe MIL-to-be decided she didn''t want to part with her *own* stone ... but, since she''d promised it, wanted to help out a bit so she didn''t slow down the moving train (and, I suspect, to have a bit of control over things for her own ego/comfort/feeling of involvement/need to be needed).

HOWEVER ... it sounds like your friend is delighted. She''s getting more than she originally expected ... she showed the MIL-to-be settings she liked on Blue Nile etc so she actually had more input than a lot of brides have gotten in the past. If she ends up happy and her SO is happy and MIL is happy ... peachy.

MOST folks don''t seem as super interested in rings & styles etc as we Pscopers are. I don''t think this three-day shopping period is so unusual. And if the ring was ordered from Blue Nile with the SO''s approval (or maybe even BY the SO -- are we sure who pulled the trigger?) ... its a pretty straightforward process. Bing Bam Boom.

I just don''t get into the whole uber romantic stuff when it comes to proposals. S''pretty much a business decision between parties. Romance is what happens when someone empties the dishwasher unexpectedly ... or takes a wobbly-legged recovering pup out for her morning constitutional so a sleep Deco-loving person can get a few more zzzzzz''s.

 

[sunnyd]

It''s definitely...odd. I mean is mom gonna propose for him too?! He really should have been involved in this. An heirloom is one thing, like someone said, but this just doesn''t sit right.

Though it is great that they have a close relationship like that!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/27/2009 5:31:35 PM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe MIL-to-be decided she didn''t want to part with her *own* stone ... but, since she''d promised it, wanted to help out a bit so she didn''t slow down the moving train (and, I suspect, to have a bit of control over things for her own ego/comfort/feeling of involvement/need to be needed).


I just don''t get into the whole uber romantic stuff when it comes to proposals. S''pretty much a business decision between parties. Romance is what happens when someone empties the dishwasher unexpectedly ... or takes a wobbly-legged recovering pup out for her morning constitutional so a sleep Deco-loving person can get a few more zzzzzz''s.

ITA! The more I think about all of this wedding/engagement stuff, the more it just seems EXTRA and besides the point of most important things in a relationship. However, I do think that the manner in which people engage in and negotiate these things can reflect on the future interactions in the relationship.

 

[Sharon101]

I think the red flag part is how the MIL says that her son is not good at that sort of stuff. eg paying her back for the ring. What sort of a partner is he going to be if he cant budget or understand bills etc.???? What I mean is that the MIL seems to be indicating that her son is not capable of choosing or buying a ring because its too hard for him.

 

[damo256]

It''s certainly wonderful that your friend is happy with the situation (and that her FMIL likes her so much and is so excited for her). My concern if I were her would have nothing to do with the ring or the proposal (which in the grand scheme of a marriage are not all that important), but with my married life in general. This sounds like the kind of MIL who would be involved and overbearing in a lot of other areas (imagine how hands-on she''s going to be when they buy a house, or have children). And her SO doesn''t sound like he would want to ask his mother to back off if she crosses any lines.

D

 

[LaraOnline]

If the gf is happy about it (it comes across in the emails as if she likes the mum) well there''s not really a problem is there.
If she was uncomfortable with the situation, it would have been natural for her to tell you...diff''rent strokes for diff''rent folks. Some people are really close to their family and get along like friends.
That''s not atll how my mum relates (my mum would be reluctant to ge involved, and would certainly object to spending money on wedding jewellery for me lol) but I can see that some people have differently constructed relationships...perhaps mum has always wanted to embrace a daughter?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:02:33 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay here is my take on the thing...

SS has a very generous mother who really approves of Mary wants to help celebrate their love and commitment by helping her son afford the ring he wants to present to the woman he loves and wants to marry.

Personally I believe that if both Mary and SS were okay with Mom pitching in some money, who are we to say any different? After all, different relationships may have different dynamics.

As her friend, I think you need to lay your preconcieved notions to rest and just be happy for her. I too have a troubled relationship with my in-laws...but when other people have great relationships with their In's I'm genuinely happy for them--no BS. No one should have to struggle when blending families...unfortunately some of us do...but for others, it comes naturally--and that is 100% a great thing.

Italia, you saved me 5 minutes of typing, 2 more minutes of rereading and editing, and a crap load of typos. ITA.

The friend is happy and excited. This is just your problem with her situation.

ETA: I just read thru all the other posts. At this point I would just prepare yourself to be the friend that she will come to when she doesn't feel like she can take a breath without having a second opinion. Right now, I think the best thing is to just be excited for her. Some of us do have MIL/FMIL issues at some times, and though many may think that this is overstepping, there are lots that would be happy that our FMIL was this excited about us joining the family.

 

[jcarlylew82]

i have two thoughts of this.
Would i be miffed that the mom took over the whole thing? yes.
What if the case is that the guy first mentioned it to the mother, and then took it there? There are just some people who do not realize they are over stepping some...steps () that others you would expect to take. Maybe she understand''s his financle concern?

My best friends MIL paid for the ring they got, and then they paid her back within a couple months of him asking. She was not upset by it at all.

 

[purrfectpear]

My son has a GF that I think he is pretty serious about. He clearly knows nothing about jewelry and I know he''ll never bother to learn either. He bought me a little diamond necklace two years ago from a mall jeweler. I only wear it when I see him. This Christmas he bought the GF a diamond pave necklace from a mall jeweler. It''s plain jane and I imagine he over paid.

I am dying to have him say "here''s my budget mom, pick out something fab" when he decides to be engaged. I''ve suggested he should let me help, but lord knows if he''ll just go off to Jareds or Zales and do his own thing

I would never pay for his engagement ring, and I sure wouldn''t be calling the girl and telling her all about it...but I would love to see him maximize his budget and get a diamond that was really worth the money. I''ve seen his taste - trust me, there are worse things than a FMIL picking out your ring.

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 6:50:40 PM
Author: damo256

It''s certainly wonderful that your friend is happy with the situation (and that her FMIL likes her so much and is so excited for her). My concern if I were her would have nothing to do with the ring or the proposal (which in the grand scheme of a marriage are not all that important), but with my married life in general. This sounds like the kind of MIL who would be involved and overbearing in a lot of other areas (imagine how hands-on she''s going to be when they buy a house, or have children). And her SO doesn''t sound like he would want to ask his mother to back off if she crosses any lines.

D

it''s funny you say this, because both of their mothers actually convinced them that buying a house was the wrong thing to do. Quick story - Mary was looking at getting a townhouse in the near future and had a budget of about $150k. She looks at some and learns the process but decides she should probably wait a year or two. Then she''s invited to this open house for a brand new unit priced at $199k. I go with her. It''s Sunday, and if she signs by Thursday, she gets $16k off the price. She''s blinded by the "sale" and ignores the fact it''s still way over her budget. She does no real research on the area and signs the deal. I was terrified for her, honestly. She could not even come close to affording this on her own and was going to rely on SO to pay her "rent" each month. This was only 6 months into their relationship. What if they broke up? Well, I didn''t even have to say anything because both of their mothers said it was wrong and they BOTH called SO a "mooch". So they called of the deal right before closing and she luckily got her down payment back. FYI - a month later the place is desperate and calls her back and says they will offer her an even better unit normally priced at $210k for only $179k. She bought that one and they live together there now. He still cannot afford even half the mortgage.


I know i''m coming off as a horrible person. I never say these things to her, although I did express my relief after she told me she canceled the original house purchase. She''s a very independent person and can take care of herself. I worry for her because she''s rushed this entire relationship and has been very unlike herself. She dated a guy in the Marines for 2-3 years but only saw him a few times each year. When he finally came back to the states, she found out he was dating another girl and she got really upset. Immediately she signed up for eharmony and was dating guys every weekend. She met one she really liked, did a lot of things she hadn''t done before with him, and they broke up in about a month. Her SO is this guy''s best friend. During this time, our other best friend got engaged, she knew I was getting engaged and I know she felt left out. She admitted that she hated always being the third wheel everywhere she went. I didn''t want to see her get hurt in a relationship she jumped into. She was acting very unlike herself. He''s convinced her to spend a lot of money on things she''s never wanted before. I didn''t point out to her that when she told me he pays her a monthly allowance for food, that she''s asking him to pay half of what she used to spend a month, not taking into account that he eats FIVE times has much as her. She complains that he''s picky about the foods he likes and she has to go to separate stores to accommodate his needs.



My point is just that in the last 6 months she''s been acting like she''s rushing to catch up with the rest of us and I fear that when the excitement of finally getting engaged wears off, it will all hit her at once. It happened before when she bought her townhouse. After the excitement wore off, she was hospitalized for a severe panic attack because she started thinking about the costs, etc.

 

[elrohwen]

That seems a bit weird to me ... I would definitely have been freaked out if FMIL had ordered my engagement ring. It sounds like SO should've stepped up and not let his mother take over what probably should've been his job.

Though if your friend doesn't find it strange then it's not a problem. As long as she's happy, that's all that matters in the end.

 

[ALittleObsessed]

Date: 1/27/2009 10:57:31 PM
Author: purrfectpear
My son has a GF that I think he is pretty serious about. He clearly knows nothing about jewelry and I know he''ll never bother to learn either. He bought me a little diamond necklace two years ago from a mall jeweler. I only wear it when I see him. This Christmas he bought the GF a diamond pave necklace from a mall jeweler. It''s plain jane and I imagine he over paid.


I am dying to have him say ''here''s my budget mom, pick out something fab'' when he decides to be engaged. I''ve suggested he should let me help, but lord knows if he''ll just go off to Jareds or Zales and do his own thing

I would never pay for his engagement ring, and I sure wouldn''t be calling the girl and telling her all about it...but I would love to see him maximize his budget and get a diamond that was really worth the money. I''ve seen his taste - trust me, there are worse things than a FMIL picking out your ring.

You''re completely right. Actually, my fiance admitted that he felt a little overwhelmed with the process so I started looking with him. I agree that it''s a huge purchase and the buyer should know what they are looking for. With that said, Mary told me she wouldn''t give SO any serious hints or shop with him because he was the kind of guy that would want to do it himself and want it to be a surprise. He''s done a good job at getting her gifts before. (Coach wallet for her birthday only two months after dating - this was a huge surprise and the perfect gift for her. He also got her a Movado watch for Christmas which would have been a surprise but she accidentally saw it on his computer.) He''s is definitely capable of doing this on his own and I''m sure wanted to.