How to tell boyfriend what kind of diamond I want....

[NK2012]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half. We've talked about engagement, and our rough timeline is about 3 years in. I don't really bring it up that often, as he seems put off by the idea of a girl constantly mentioning engagement (hence his comments about how his sister badgered her fiance into proposing). However, I do want to give him a hint about what kind of ring I would want, without seeming pushy or like I'm rushing him. I've heard about the idea of leaving a magazine open to a picture of a ring you like, but I would really love an OEC diamond. So how do I go about hinting this to him? Honestly, I would be happy with anything he gave me, but I've always loved the look of an OEC, and I figured I might as well slide him a hint at some point. Thanks for any help.

 

[Circe]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half. We've talked about engagement, and our rough timeline is about 3 years in. I don't really bring it up that often, as he seems put off by the idea of a girl constantly mentioning engagement (hence his comments about how his sister badgered her fiance into proposing). However, I do want to give him a hint about what kind of ring I would want, without seeming pushy or like I'm rushing him. I've heard about the idea of leaving a magazine open to a picture of a ring you like, but I would really love an OEC diamond. So how do I go about hinting this to him? Honestly, I would be happy with anything he gave me, but I've always loved the look of an OEC, and I figured I might as well slide him a hint at some point. Thanks for any help.

Three years is a nice, long timeline, so you certainly have a nice span in which to import your preferences. However ... the bolded makes me a little nervous, just because I don't feel like it's healthy for a person to have to dance around the things that matter to them, particularly when it's with the person they love most in the world.

There's a kind of contradiction to me between a three-year timeline and a dude being put off by a woman "constantly mentioning" or "badgering" proposal. Like ... are you supposed to pretend you haven't made those plans? How does that work? Three years from now, I'm planning to be helping my BFF raise the kid she wants (as she is helping me raise mine right now), but if we couldn't talk about our ideas and workarounds and anticipation ... all I can imagine is a big case of disappointment and misunderstanding, y'know? No matter how much I love somebody, or how much they love me, nobody here is a telepath.

I'd say, give it a while if it's not a massive source of anxiety. If you lurk around shop windows together, lodge the words "old cut" in his head, if friends get engaged, mention that X's ring is nice and all, but OLD CUTS are better and you wish they'd listened to you about ____ vendor. But if it actually bugs you? Dude, be open with him. A partner you can't be straightforward with just gets harder to handle with the passage of time.

 

[movie zombie]

personally, I think it sounds like you really need to be in on this.
however, if its a 3 year time line from now, here's a plan:
year 1: get yourself really educated and confirm your love of old cuts. perhaps not even mention the "E" word for an entire year.
year 2: locate vendors and/or stones. perhaps mention that you have developed an interest and have learned lots already but will be learning more as the year progresses...and then cease all mention of the "E" word.
year 3: present him with your findings. this can include actual pictures and/or contacts. it could also be "this is the stone/ring" I really want/desire".
and then hope and pray he listens to you.
of course, your presentation of findings should include pricescope as a resource for him to learn more himself.

good luck!

 

[momhappy]

3 years is a long way off and "hinting" about your diamond now is going to come off as badgering no matter how you do it. Personally, I'd wait for another couple years before bringing up the diamond again - unless he does first.

 

[amc80]

You said your timeline for engagement is about three years in. Does that mean into the relationship, so another year and a half? Or threw years from now?

 

[Lula]

You don't say whether or not you're living together, in school, etc. My advice is, if you do not live together, don't agree to move in with him until you have a ring and a wedding date. If you do live together, getting engaged three years from now seems like a long time. Why the delay? School? Jobs? My concern is that he's picked the three-year timeline because setting a date makes it appear that he's committed, yet the date is far enough in the future that he doesn't have to "do" anything concrete about the engagement. Call me a cynic, but unless there's a good reason for waiting for three years to get engaged, the three-year timeline sounds like a stall tactic.

 

[momhappy]

^I don't think moving in/living together has anything to do with the ring/wedding date. Lots of people live together without being engaged or setting a wedding date....
Also, I don't this as a delay per se. They've only been dating a year and a half. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years before getting engaged. Personally, I see a 3-year timeline (especially in younger couples) as smart - not a stall tactic.

 

[Lula]

^I don't think moving in/living together has anything to do with the ring/wedding date. Lots of people live together without being engaged or setting a wedding date....
Also, I don't this as a delay per se. They've only been dating a year and a half. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years before getting engaged. Personally, I see a 3-year timeline (especially in younger couples) as smart - not a stall tactic.

Everything you say is true, momhappy. However, reading between the lines, what I see is a young woman who wants to be engaged, and wants to talk about being engaged, including discussing the ring, with a boyfriend who believes any discussions about rings or being engaged are "pushing." To me, that sounds like a guy who has no interest in being engaged. I'd hate to see the OP move in with this guy, and three years after moving in with him, he's still stalling.

 

[JaneSmith]

Go on his computer or iDevice and erase all cookies and cache, then proceed to do lots of google searches for rings, and go to lots of jewellery websites, then delete your search history. You have now done a version of 'google bombing' that will now make any google ad on any web page he looks at come up with ads for jewellery or rings. Ta-da!
This doesn't help with the OEC, but it is a funny way to get him thinking about rings. Heh.

Edit: Or just buy yourself a beautiful OEC for your right hand and start enjoying a gorgeous old cut right away.

 

[monarch64]

^I don't think moving in/living together has anything to do with the ring/wedding date. Lots of people live together without being engaged or setting a wedding date....
Also, I don't this as a delay per se. They've only been dating a year and a half. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years before getting engaged. Personally, I see a 3-year timeline (especially in younger couples) as smart - not a stall tactic.

Everything you say is true, momhappy. However, reading between the lines, what I see is a young woman who wants to be engaged, and wants to talk about being engaged, including discussing the ring, with a boyfriend who believes any discussions about rings or being engaged are "pushing." To me, that sounds like a guy who has no interest in being engaged. I'd hate to see the OP move in with this guy, and three years after moving in with him, he's still stalling.

Its all very typical. Stick around the LIW forum for a few months and observe the patterns. People fall in love, get into committed relationships, then usually the female starts to question "where is this going if not marriage?" and 50-60% of the time (in my estimate based on having read these forums for almost 7 years) the guy gets weird and says he isn't ready, prompting the female to post a thread like this to say "wtf?" Only those two people can decide what's best for them, but there are usually two options:

1. start looking at rings, find a ring you like, get engaged.
2. hold off for any number of years until everyone is ready, look at rings, get engaged.

 

[madelise]

Go on his computer or iDevice and erase all cookies and cache, then proceed to do lots of google searches for rings, and go to lots of jewellery websites, then delete your search history. You have now done a version of 'google bombing' that will now make any google ad on any web page he looks at come up with ads for jewellery or rings. Ta-da!
This doesn't help with the OEC, but it is a funny way to get him thinking about rings. Heh.

Edit: Or just buy yourself a beautiful OEC for your right hand and start enjoying a gorgeous old cut right away.

Oh, gosh, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. I love this. I laughed out loud and snorted. This is HILARIOUS. Did my SO do this to me with babies? I keep finding advertisements on FB for zulily and other baby/mommy advertisements.

 

[madelise]

OP: You have to be honest in your relationship. Walking on eggshells and worrying about "turning him off" because he hates "badgering" about engagement isn't a good thing. He shouldn't guilt you into NOT talking about it. Have a good heart-to-heart. You've been together for a year and a half. I think he owes it to you to have an honest "where do we stand?" talk about his intentions… including talks about the future, engagements, etc. Talking about it once isn't badgering.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I sent him an email saying, "when you are ready to propose, get a <type of diamond> from <vendor a> and have <vendor b> make a <describe setting?." It made it easy for him and he followed my instructions exactly - the problem was I changed my mind about what I wanted. LOL.

 

[SB621]

I like being straight forward so I would just sit down and tell him. "I dont' want to badger you but when you are ready to propose I would like to go shopping together and who you what I like." Since you have a timeline in front of you I would go out and learn about old cuts- see if they are for you. I think you need to see them in RL before you decide if the facet patter is for anyone.

 

[momhappy]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

 

[stargurl78]

Honestly a year and a half really isn't all that long. Or maybe that's just my mindset because DH and I were together for 5 years before we got engaged. And he even told me after he proposed that he loved that I never pressured him to get married because he knew that I wanted to be with him and I wasn't obsessed with a wedding and marriage like so many of our friends were.

I have one question for you - how old are you both?

 

[Circe]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

I think it's less the expectation that they be engaged NOW NOW NOW and more that it's a problem if certain topics are "off limits" in a relationship ....

 

[rubybeth]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

I think it's less the expectation that they be engaged NOW NOW NOW and more that it's a problem if certain topics are "off limits" in a relationship ....

Agree with Circe and others. They should be able to talk calmly and rationally about their future together without him considering it 'badgering.'

 

[iluvshinythings]

I agree with the suggestion to buy yourself an old cut right hand ring...and talk about how much you love the cut and why....a lot. That's what I've done. Although, I just happen to like antique jewelry so I don't have an ulterior motive. When we go to see a hobby store, he shows me what kind of RC airplanes he likes and I don't see that as any different than my showing him an OEC I saw on ebay or Ruby Lane.

I don't think a year and a half is very long at all without an engagement. Honestly, I think three years is a good amount of time to get to know someone before making a lifelong commitment.

 

[movie zombie]

....................Edit: Or just buy yourself a beautiful OEC for your right hand and start enjoying a gorgeous old cut right away.

geez, this is so obvious and so very right!

 

[momhappy]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

I think it's less the expectation that they be engaged NOW NOW NOW and more that it's a problem if certain topics are "off limits" in a relationship ....

Agree with Circe and others. They should be able to talk calmly and rationally about their future together without him considering it 'badgering.'

She mentioned that they have talked about an engagement and it must have been somewhat productive if they decided on a timeline together. Maybe he just brought up the fact that his brother was badgered and that's not the way he envisioned his engagement, which doesn't necessarily mean that he can't talk calmly/rationally about the subject. Also, she mentioned that she doesn't talk about the engagement that often, which could mean any number of things. She didn't say that she never talks about it, so it's entirely possible that her idea of not that often, is sounding like "badgering" to him. If they've decided on a timeline as she said they have, then I really don't see the need to bring up ring styles just yet. They have 3 years. I'd take a break and revisit the subject in a year or two, but that's just me

 

[04diamond<3]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

I think it's less the expectation that they be engaged NOW NOW NOW and more that it's a problem if certain topics are "off limits" in a relationship ....

Agree with Circe and others. They should be able to talk calmly and rationally about their future together without him considering it 'badgering.'

Another to agree with this and what Lula started. A friend of mine was in a relationship for 5 years he popped the question and two months later they broke up. I think you should find out if the relationship is going anywhere before anything else. I also like what Charmypoo said because that's pretty much what I did

 

[madelise]

I sent him an email saying, "when you are ready to propose, get a <type of diamond> from <vendor a> and have <vendor b> make a <describe setting?." It made it easy for him and he followed my instructions exactly - the problem was I changed my mind about what I wanted. LOL.

This brings up a good thought to consider. I also changed my mind a bajillion times. From cushion (crushed ice) to radiant to cushion to antique cushion to MRB back to OEC. And my setting wishes have changed a bajillion times as well.

OP: if you aren't yet 100% sure you won't change your mind, and you know for sure he isn't going to be secretly plotting a purchase or proposal, maybe you should take some time to research and educate yourself to keep yourself busy while you wait

 

[sonnyjane]

I sent him an email saying, "when you are ready to propose, get a <type of diamond> from <vendor a> and have <vendor b> make a <describe setting?." It made it easy for him and he followed my instructions exactly - the problem was I changed my mind about what I wanted. LOL.

I tried dropping hints to my DH... showed him pictures but said things like "I like this but would add X to it", etc. After a few glances at my suggestions, he looked at me and said "I don't want to mess this up. You have $X,XXX, go pick it out" lolol.

 

[Circe]

<null>

Yes, but ... Isn't that just because tastes change? Before I got my pear pendant, I dreamed of it. For YEARS. Now that I have it, I dream of antique cushions. Despite having a trade up policy, I doubt I'll trade it in, because accrued sentiment ... but damn, things can change a lot over the course of three years. I'd like to be able to talk about that with the people I love most ....

 

[TC1987]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

Well, if the OP wants to marry and the guy doesn't, then she is wasting her time in an exclusive relationship with him because they will break up anyhow. She would also be wasting her youth on a relationship that is not going to lead to marriage, and lots of people are already engaged or married by mid-20s or certainly by late 20s.

If one is dating to find a mate, then it's useless to waste time and emotion and youth on somebody else who doesn't have the same goal. Unless the OP and her SO are still college students or something, 1.5 years would be more long enough to just-date and decide whether or not marriage is in the future.

 

[momhappy]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

Well, if the OP wants to marry and the guy doesn't, then she is wasting her time in an exclusive relationship with him because they will break up anyhow. She would also be wasting her youth on a relationship that is not going to lead to marriage, and lots of people are already engaged or married by mid-20s or certainly by late 20s.

If one is dating to find a mate, then it's useless to waste time and emotion and youth on somebody else who doesn't have the same goal. Unless the OP and her SO are still college students or something, 1.5 years would be more long enough to just-date and decide whether or not marriage is in the future.

But this is exactly my point - she said that they agreed on a timeline, so how does that translate to her wanting marriage and not him? It seems to me that people assume that just because he doesn't want to discuss it further (yet), that it must mean that he doesn't want marriage. Again, I think that a year and a half isn't that long to be dating and a three-year timeline seems perfectly reasonable to me. I could be completely wrong (because after all, none of us actually knows either of them), but my interpretation of this scenario was that they talked engagement, decided on a 3-year timeline, and he assumes (and rightfully so) that he has plenty of time and doesn't want to discuss it until the date gets closer. Maybe what's happening here is that she is not truly ok with the 3-year timeline and that's the issue?
I also don't look at relationships as "wasted" time. Relationships are learning/growing experiences and they don't all need to end in marriage in order to be considered successful. Most of us have been in relationships that didn't end in marriage, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are failed relationships. If they are young, there's nothing wrong with just dating - if the relationship works on a long-term basis, great. If not, then that's okay too. Of course, we all have personal goals (when we would like to be married, etc.) and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that some people can get so caught up in the end-goal, that they lose sight of the journey it takes to get there.
I hope that it works out for her. There have been lots of good suggestions here about how to drop hints for her ring. Personally, I like the suggestion of continuing her own research, so that when the time comes, she can share her choices with him

 

[gem_anemone]

It sounds to me like the OP was saying that they would get engaged 3 years INTO the relationship. 1.5 years has passed meaning they will get engaged in 1.5 years from now. That said I think it's perfectly ok for the OP to ask her boyfriend if he would like her to give him some suggestions on the type of style she would like when he is ready to make a purchase. She should not email bomb him randomly with out discussing it or do anything sneaky on his computer. However her tastes may change in 1.5 years so I suggest waiting to tell him what she wants until the time he is ready to make a purchase. Hopefully he is ok with her having input. I am not the type who thinks a guy should be allowed to have total control over the ring purchase, however some guys are more sensitive to it than others and I think it is important to find out how he is going to behave.

 

[tammy77]

After being in a relationship for 1.5 years, she should be able to ask him casually if he would be open to letting her have input on her engagement ring because she really likes a type of diamond that isn't mainstream. There's no need to argue about "just dating" scenarios or add drama. It's a simple thing that shouldn't need to wait x number of months or years to find out. If its on her mind and a concern, then he should be willing to discuss it. She shouldn't have to wait and wonder in silence. Communication is going to be vital to the future of their relationship so the previous posters bring up valid concerns. The OP was likely scared off though by the unnecessary bickering, but I do hope she's been able to talk to her SO about this or has taken the awesome advice of getting her own little RHR. That's a fantastic and fun idea! Why didn't I think of that back when I was a LIW?!

 

[Smith1942]

Whoa... Maybe I'm missing something because I don't understand where some of these responses coming from? They've only been dating a year and a half. Some of the responses are what I might expect if say the couple had been dating for 5 years with no talk of engagement, but a year and a half? I think the guy sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable and it's not what I would consider a "delay" or "dragging his feet." I think it's sad when people start to comment (negatively) and question a relationship when a couple is not engaged in a year or so. What ever happened to just dating and enjoying each other? So much pressure...

Well, if the OP wants to marry and the guy doesn't, then she is wasting her time in an exclusive relationship with him because they will break up anyhow. She would also be wasting her youth on a relationship that is not going to lead to marriage, and lots of people are already engaged or married by mid-20s or certainly by late 20s.

If one is dating to find a mate, then it's useless to waste time and emotion and youth on somebody else who doesn't have the same goal. Unless the OP and her SO are still college students or something, 1.5 years would be more long enough to just-date and decide whether or not marriage is in the future.

But this is exactly my point - she said that they agreed on a timeline, so how does that translate to her wanting marriage and not him? It seems to me that people assume that just because he doesn't want to discuss it further (yet), that it must mean that he doesn't want marriage. Again, I think that a year and a half isn't that long to be dating and a three-year timeline seems perfectly reasonable to me. I could be completely wrong (because after all, none of us actually knows either of them), but my interpretation of this scenario was that they talked engagement, decided on a 3-year timeline, and he assumes (and rightfully so) that he has plenty of time and doesn't want to discuss it until the date gets closer. Maybe what's happening here is that she is not truly ok with the 3-year timeline and that's the issue?
I also don't look at relationships as "wasted" time. Relationships are learning/growing experiences and they don't all need to end in marriage in order to be considered successful. Most of us have been in relationships that didn't end in marriage, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are failed relationships. If they are young, there's nothing wrong with just dating - if the relationship works on a long-term basis, great. If not, then that's okay too. Of course, we all have personal goals (when we would like to be married, etc.) and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that some people can get so caught up in the end-goal, that they lose sight of the journey it takes to get there.
I hope that it works out for her. There have been lots of good suggestions here about how to drop hints for her ring. Personally, I like the suggestion of continuing her own research, so that when the time comes, she can share her choices with him

No, but our ovaries do.

Unless the OP is very young - under 25 - then I rather agree with TC1987. The PR office in London where I worked was full of girls in their late twenties who'd been living with their boyfriends for a few years and were desperate to receive proposals which never came. One day, a girl called Sam said, "Will came in last night to find me crying because we'd received yet another wedding invitation!"

Time wasted does matter. I agree that no relationship is wasted experience, but unlike wasted money, you can never make wasted time back.

A woman's ability to have children is not open-ended, and because there is no societal pressure to marry these days (which is a good thing) it does mean that if they want the whole marriage-and-kids shebang, young women must be very careful upon whom they bestow their youth.

It's a bit difficult to counsel the OP without knowing her age.