How to talk to friend in abusive relationship?

[jewelerman]

Friends of Price Scope,
I need your advise.
I have a close female friend in an escalating abusive relationship with a man.They have been dating for about 4 months He continually demeans her,says she cannot contact her friends or family and calls her the C word and worse when she texts us.yesterday she broke up with him after he became physically and verbally aggressive with her. we spent hours discussing that she has value and how she can get counseling, financial help and spiritual guidance through us, her church, and the community. within 24 hours she was back with him asking him to forgive her!I know she has abuse in her background,just went through a divorce within the last year, and has had severe medical and financial problems,but im having the hardest time understanding how to deal with this situation because she knows hes not good for her! how can I (and her family)help her before this guy escalates past pushing! The one other thing is that this man is in a leadership role in her church and we are afraid that if we report this to the church,he will retaliate against her for loosing his position.What advise can you give!Thanks.

 

[AGBF]

Hi, jewelerman-

There have been numerous threads on this topic on Pricescope in the past and I am confident that you will receive wise counsel here. I just wanted to say that I am in a similar position right now. I spent several hours at the local police station last night with my daughter's 20 year-old friend and my daughter. My daughter and I had finally prevailed on her friend to report the physical attack on her by her boyfriend that took place about three nights ago and involved strangling. The friend is disabled, both mentally and physically. She was in a bad car accident and has brain damage. She is also bi-polar. She did not report the incident at the time it occurred when action might have been taken. Now she will not follow through with getting a restraining order. It is very frustrating when a victim of abuse will not take action. Good luck.

Deb/AGBF

 

[Tacori E-ring]

This is tough b/c abusers are typically very smart and manipulative. They prey and choose their victims carefully. I always tell my patients you must have THREE basic boundaries no matter what. 1. I will not hurt myself. 2. I will not hurt someone else. 3. I will not let someone hurt me. With domestic violence it is important to have a safety plan in place (hidden spare car keys, money, phone number for a shelter, etc). It is also important to deal with self-esteem issues because something is keeping her in a toxic relationship. 4 months is nothing. Most people could EASILY walk away. Also there are support groups would help her end the isolation and shame of staying in an abusive situation. Those are things *SHE* can do. The only thing *YOU* can do is be there for her. Be a caring, supportive, loving friend. Not judge but simply listen and be there. I really hope she finds the courage to leave b/c NO ONE deserves to be abused in any way.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I usually sit the person I am worried about down for a tough conversation and follow a script (adapted, of course, for each situation):

1- This is a difficult topic for both of us. I respect you as a person and your decisions are your own. However, I am very worried about this topic. I want you to be aware of what I think and I don't want to bug you forever. So I will only bring this up now and I won't push my views on you again. But I am always here for you and I will always listen and give what advice you ask me for.

2- Outline the situation, complication and questions I want the person to think about.

3- Give clear examples (not "he always..." but "when we were at the park, he called you "abc" and that is not acceptable) and contrast (Joe disagreed with his wife last Saturday when we were all at your place, but he gave her reasons and listened to her plans, instead of going off on her") to show how a relationship should work.

4- Listen, listen, listen

5- Repeat that she is a good person, deserves better and that you will be there for her if she needs you.

 

[Kaleigh]

I have been in this situation with a very dear friend. I called the domestic abuse hotline for advice. I got local numbers to give to my friend should she want to call them. I also bought a book on abuse and getting help. More for me than for her. I wanted to make sure I was doing things in the right way..

Bottom line.. They have to be ready to help themselves...

You need to listen to be there for them and be the shoulder to cry on...

But at some point they have to value themselves and make a change for them and for their kids...

HTH, good luck. Your heart is in the right place....

 

[marcy]

It is so tough to watch a friend go through that but all you can do is listen to them and be there when they need you. They have to make the decision to leave for themselves. I hope things work out okay for her.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

This is a tough one. She clearly has deep seated self esteem and self worth issues which cannot be addressed overnight or without professional help. When you drop a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put a frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, it will keep adjusting until it suddenly dies, unaware of the fact that it was dying all along.
That's what abuse looks like.
At the moment, she is adjusting to the situation by convincing herself that she deserves the abuse, or that it's not as bad as everyone thinks it is. When someone gets brainwashed like this, you have to try to remove them from the situation and reprogramme them like you would reprogramme someone who has been in a cult. This would probably involve therapy and a lot of babying from her friends and family. And unfortunately, it still may not get her out of the situation.

 

[Imdanny]

I don't know what church this is but I doubt they condone this type of behavior.

He shouldn't be in a leadership position. His position of authority might be conducive to him doing these things or similar ones to other women.

I don't believe in saying she has to leave him without knowing more about him but he does have to stop these behaviors.

This is such a terrible situation. I don't know exactly what to tell you but I am sending you my best wishes.

 

[HollyS]

The truth is difficult, but here it is: you've already done all that you can do. . . right now. Her choices are hers alone to make.

Be firm, and stick to the same reasoning you already gave her when she asks for help. And be ready to give actual aid when she needs it.

 

[kenny]

The truth is difficult, but here it is: you've already done all that you can do. . . right now. Her choices are hers alone to make.

+1

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Very difficult situation. She would not only have to leave him, but she would have to leave the church to get away from him. It is sickening when someone like that mars the name of the church by doing such horrendous things (although all churches are not healthy ones, of course) . In one way, the church does need to know, but he would probably make up lies to destroy her. I hope her family can talk some sense into her. Some women are just so dependent that they'd rather have a bad man than none. Hard to understand. And very dangerous in this case.

 

[jewelerman]

Thanks everyone for your comments, support and well wishes for my friend!
I received a text from my friend(we have been friends for 26 years by the way) 3 days ago telling me that i am not to text or call her. I contacted a mutual female friend who told me that this man told her she was to have no more contact with any men he deems a threat to their relationship including her best friends male children. So im out of the picture for now and waiting to be a support when she needs me.The female friend and i are contemplating ways to contact his church leaders, as they would never stand for this type of control or abuse toward any person male or female.Thanks again for your support.I never thought i would loose a friend to an abusing relationship!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Well, I think you can do something. A man in a church leadership role ought not behave this way. You and the other female friend should talk, in person , to the pastor or priest to describe what has happened to your friend. Make the church aware of the problem. I have no idea if it will help, but they might talk to him and make him aware of his questionable behavior. An institution should be made aware of something so serious.

Other than that she must take action herself.

Thanks,
Annette

 

[Amys Bling]

I have been in this situation with a very dear friend. I called the domestic abuse hotline for advice. I got local numbers to give to my friend should she want to call them. I also bought a book on abuse and getting help. More for me than for her. I wanted to make sure I was doing things in the right way..

Bottom line.. They have to be ready to help themselves...

You need to listen to be there for them and be the shoulder to cry on...

But at some point they have to value themselves and make a change for them and for their kids...

HTH, good luck. Your heart is in the right place....

so true. The abused has to want to get out and get help. There is only so much you can do- they really have to want the change and want better. I think Kaleigh had a great idea re calling a hotline for advice and contacts.

 

[lliang_chi]

Jewelerman, I'm sorry to hear about your friend and her relationship. It's hard to see someone you care about so much put herself through this. I can only agree with what everyone says. Be there for your friend when she's ready to make the change herself, but right now there's nothing you can do but love her and let her know YOU are her support network no matter what.

~LC

 

[Lady_Disdain]

That doesn't sound good at all. I am very sorry.