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How to rub it in...best friends all getting engaged.

tinkerbellevi

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
4
For the sake of my sanity, I thought it would be a good idea to search the internet for people in a similar situation so I can feel better about all this because currently, it is driving me crazy.

I have three best friends, two girls and a guy (who is the fiancé of one of the girls). I moved countries in February to be with my bf and one week after I left the couple best friends got engaged. In the meantime, another set of friends got engaged three weeks before that. And since another set of our friends and another with an actual wedding and baby.

Now.....I did a terrible thing last night. I have been with my bf for a year and I fully realise this is not a long time, but I also personally think that when "you know, you just know". My bf first brought up marriage after about a month and a half. After two months he stopped me in front of a jeweler shop to tell him which style of ring I like. It went on like that for a bit. Great....so after 7 months we moved in together, and I moved countries in doing so. It hasn't exactly been easy.....

I was ready to get married months ago so basically I have just been waiting. I would occasionally say little things that would get him wound up about it because he "wants to do it right", is what he keeps saying. And that me asking him about it just puts him off doing it. So I stopped, for a good two months. I finally asked him about it again on Monday (now 8 months since window shopping for rings) which didn't go over well originally, but he did confirm the next day that he absolutely wanted to be engaged to me, but he wanted to wait until we had enough money to do it properly. Yes the move has caused some problems financially, but a 1000 GBP rings is definitely fine for me and he knows it.

So last night, my other best friend got engaged after a year and a half. I didn't say anything because it's a touchy subject but he kept pushing me to talk about it and tell him how I feel. So I did....and now he feels pressured, and doesn't understand the urgency....and I have now become "that girl". Disaster!

I have tried explaining that had he not been so adamant about us getting married originally, I would not be like this, but he doesn't get it. I am not really sure how to feel better about this. Because it was such a subject months back, that is what convinced my guy best friend to propose to his gf. And the ones who got engaged last night...hadn't really discussed the subject because technically she is not yet divorced from her ex. Just frustrating....I need to get my head on straight again. So no bride to be, but twice walking down the aisle now as Maid of Honour.

Apologies for the rant.
 

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
1,001
tinkerbellevi|1307097058|2936787 said:
I have tried explaining that had he not been so adamant about us getting married originally, I would not be like this, but he doesn't get it. I am not really sure how to feel better about this. Because it was such a subject months back, that is what convinced my guy best friend to propose to his gf. And the ones who got engaged last night...hadn't really discussed the subject because technically she is not yet divorced from her ex. Just frustrating....I need to get my head on straight again. So no bride to be, but twice walking down the aisle now as Maid of Honour.

Apologies for the rant.
I am going to be honest, I don't "get it" either. You say "when you know, you know" but then you say you wouldn't be in such a rush if he had not gotten your hopes up. It's a story I have heard before: early in the relationship, guy gets swept up in the new happy relationship, then later wants to slow things down. I also think, when men say they want to "do it right" they aren't just thinking about the cost of the ring but also about being more stable before they get married.
 

Hospatogi

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2010
Messages
668
I think you are forgetting that the proposal and getting engaged isnt just about you..its about your boyfriend too. It probably wasnt the best idea for him to rush into talking about marriage so early in your relationship but he loves you and he got carried away in the moment. And its not as if hes changing his mind now hes just come back down to earth and realized that he wants to be more financially stable before he proposes. It doesnt sound like an excuse to me especially since you yourself said moving has placed extra finacial stresses on your relationship. And as far as not wanting to get you a cheaper ring I think you should be able to understand that he wants to give you something special. The ring and the proposal are things that all girls get together and talk about. All your friends, family, coworkers are going to be looking at what he gives you and I think your boyfriend would feel bad not being able to get you a ring at least as nice as your engaged friends especially if he knows that if you give him some time he can afford it. I wonder if all of your friends were not getting engaged would you be pushing him so hard to propose? I am not trying to be harsh because I know where you are coming from but trust me it only back fires to nag him about it. He knows what you want and hes trying his best to give it to you just be a little patient.
 

gummy-bear

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2011
Messages
103
Hi tinkerbellevi,

I think I have an idea of how you feel. I blame my LIWitis on my boyfriend who initiated the wedding planning and ring shopping. I felt crazy, still kinda do, and thought, "You bastard, this is all your fault!". I don't like feeling irrational or demanding but I feel like that's all I've been lately. There's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrased about for being an LIW and I think this board has helped me realize that. Hope it does the same for you.
 

maebelle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
826
I take all my craziness out here and not on the SO. It does suck that your bf brought all of this up and is now backing up a bit. Especially after moving with him. It's good at least that he asks you to talk through how you feel and not so much his reaction to it. Why ask and then be offended? You weren't trying to offend him! I try to strike a balance with my SO about not harping on him but still making sure he knows what I want. Its easier with PS!

This should be titled "How to make it click" you need to have a real conversation with him about what "doing it right" means to him!
 

tinkerbellevi

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
4
Thanks everyone for your replies. I forgot to hit "notify me when a reply is posted", hence the tardiness of this reply.

I understand where everyone is coming from. I agree it should be about him too (although it seems like it is fully about him right now), that is not what I was trying to say. Just that it is hard to deal with when he had been going on about it for 8 months...and in the meantime my best friends, all of which hadn't been discussing it, get engaged (the latter of which hasn't even had her divorce papers finalised yet).

It's really not about my friends getting engaged, it is just a reminder of my current situation. I've made my decision and I know exactly what I want. If we weren't on the sale level I wish he would have told me before me leaving my job, friends, family, and life as I knew it. It's just frustrating being constantly reminded of how other people's bf's are all ready to commit, but mine isn't. While he keeps saying he does want to be engaged to me right now, I personally don't believe having a GBP 7000 Tiffany's ring is what makes a happy engagement and he knows how I feel about that. It's just jewellery at the end of the day. We have discussed what "doing it right" means, and doing it right apparently means having enough money for a big wedding because it is only done once and being able to buy a house :-/....which would take years. I also know he wants a 3-year engagement, which to me means he is buying time. I want to know I made the right decision about moving here because I personally hate where I am living now and if it wasn’t for my bf, I would go home tomorrow. I am sticking it out because I think this is the real deal, but I do need some reassurance and he just hasn't being doing a great job at that recently.

But yes, I have gone back to my not asking about it, as I had done for the last two months, up until last week where it all flared up. I don't like feeling irrational or demanding either because I am not that person but I do think relationships go two ways, as does marriage, and both people's feelings need to be accounted for.
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
880
How much is your unhappiness at your living situation playing into this? If you were happier where you are living, would you feel as insecure about the relationship?

Hmmm, this is a tough one.

Have to admit, it does seem like he has good reasons for not wanting to get engaged now but it doesn't do you any good if the only reason you moved was to be with him and you're not happy where you are. Honestly, even the best relationships sometimes can't overcome a really severe unhappiness with how you're living.

I was going to suggest considering the option of moving back home and trying a long distance relationship; if he's the one, a long distance relationship shouldn't be any more stressful than the situation you're in now. But you've already incurred huge financial costs in making the move so moving back home and incurring additional costs will push back your timeline even further.

Is there a way the two of you can make your life now better? I don't know whether you're planning on living in the country you moved to after you're married but if you're unhappy now, you won't suddenly get happy if you stay there just by having a ring on your finger.
 

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,156
So why does he want a three year engagement exactly? I usually think of long engagements as a necessary evil for some couples (ie due to financial issues/distance/logistics) and not the ideal. Three years is a very specific timeline, is there a particular reason for choosing three years?

To be honest it sounds like he's getting stressed out about engagement and is putting it off. Maybe he feels thrown off by the move or something. Moving countries together is a big step so it might have caused him to re-evaluate things and realize he's not ready for engagement. Its a big step that makes things more "real" if that makes sense, so he'll probably need more time to adjust. This is understandable, but at the same time you deserve to know where he's at since you left a lot behind to be with him.

As far as being financially ready, I can see where he's coming from, but it also could be a way of putting things off. You don't need an expensive ring as you know, there is gorgeous bling in antique shops for not a huge amount of money. Weddings don't have to be expensive. Mine was less than $5000 and I had a designer dress and everything. We kept it small (40 ish people) and had it in the afternoon. This really brought down the food and alcohol cost. It was still lovely and I don't feel that I missed out on anything. Finally, buying a house in the UK can be difficult depending on the area. I personally don't feel there's anything wrong with renting until you can comfortably afford a home. Where's the rule that says you have to buy a house before you get married? You can rent and still live together. For these reasons I think he might be using finances as a reason to put things off until he feels ready.

Re hating where you're living: maybe try to volunteer and get involved in the community? Building a new life is an important part of moving to a new place. You need to find activities and friends apart from your SO so homesickness isn't added to the list of things stressing the relationship.
 

tinkerbellevi

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
4
chemgirl said:
So why does he want a three year engagement exactly?
I'm not sure why he said three years. He'll be 31 by then so I expect it is more to do with his career goals and his expected income then. We' discussed having kids when we're both around 31-32, or when we "have enough money to send them to private school". He is very focused on money which has its ups and downs. I'm not against long engagements, as long as there is a valid reason for it.

chemgirl said:
To be honest it sounds like he's getting stressed out about engagement and is putting it off.
This is what I think as well and it is probably what worries me the most. We did take on a lot with the move, but we didn't move countries together. We met through work but lived in seperate countries, so we had a LDR for 7 months. We made a massive effort though and never went more than three weeks without seeing each other and pretty much saw each other every two weekends. We both had quite a bit of holiday left so made good use of that as well. Originally we agreed he would move to me through his company and although they were on board, it fell through after three months. We then decided that I would move to him because something had to give. So I resigned (with a few prospects set up but unfortunatly none panned out), moved in with him for a month, found a new apartment for us to live in (about 30 mins from where he was previously - he lived with a flatmate), we started a company together to keep my head afloat while looking for a full time job, sold his car and we bought a new one together.

We did a lot. Unfortunatly 4 months in I haven't been able to find a full time job yet which has put a massive strain on things.

AmeliaG said:
How much is your unhappiness at your living situation playing into this? If you were happier where you are living, would you feel as insecure about the relationship?
No I wouldn't because we honestly have a really great relationship, and we both know that. We also both know that I gave up a lot to be here and he feels bad about that as well, esp. with the job problems and how I was really close to my friends and family, and he's not with his. There has been lot's of change for both of us but the impact on me has been far greater. He very easily became a part of my life where I was before...my friends and parents adore him, my sister's think of him as a brother...but his friends near by...well his best female friend had her wedding a month after I moved here and I wasn't invited because it was only for close friends and family. His parents adore me as well though (apparently his mother told him to go ring shopping for me at Christmas) and so do his friends in the North where he grew up.

SUMMARY: I kind of do know what my obsession with wanting to get engaged now is about. It will make me secure in knowing that all of this change is worth it and that he is as committed to this relationship as I am. I also want everyone else to know that this isn't just us playing house and we are serious. My friends know this and they were so good about making him feel welcome and part of our "family". He is not just my SO to them, he became a friend and they'll hang out with him when I am not even around (he still travels there for work). His friends couldn't care less about getting to know me and this has also put a real strain on things. I am serious about him and our future and I don't think he has been as good at getting this across to people even though in private he does reassure me he is committed. Basically, I want the "us" statement to be made!
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
880
Ow, it looks like you went from a very supportive, caring environment to one that is not so friendly and supportive. That's tough.

Are you in Britain? The Brits take longer to warm up to newcomers; if you're an American, they'll seem cold for awhile till they get to know you. Also it seems that you are in an insecure place in your life right now, being in a new country without a job, which is not your fault, but its wise to factor in how much your insecurity is coming through to others and encouraging them to be a bit reticent towards you.

If his friends don't know you and sense you're feeling insecure, they might understandably be hesitant and cautious towards your relationship because they want the best for their friend. If they don't know you, they don't know whether you're someone who's just going through a bad time or whether you are like some people and are chronically insecure.

I have to admit, I have steered my brother away from some girls that seemed really insecure when I first met them because I wanted my brother to have a secure, self-confident woman for his wife. Give your boyfriend's friends some time to get to know you and keep taking care of yourself by staying on top of things for your career, meeting new people, etc.
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
Honestly, I don't think you should have moved without a ring. Right now he's your boyfriend. Not your future-fiance, not your future husband. You basically upset your entire life for someone who is not ready to commit to you.
 

tinkerbellevi

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
4
Yes, I moved to the UK. Oh I am not insecure in front of people.....gosh no, not at all. I have actually always been a very confident person and whatever is going on between me and my SO, no one except my two closest gf's and sister know about it.

amc80, at this point I definitely agree with you. I out right told him last week when we were having this talk that if he wasn't sure and he was wanting to wait and everything, then I wouldn't have moved at that point in time. He didn't really understand why and got just upset and worried that I was going to move back and leave him. A couple of days later he read an e-mail from my sister in reply to one of my e-mail's. Not really his business but I wasn't upset he read it. He does care a lot about what my family thinks and since then he has tried to be more understanding over the last few days. I think maybe I need to write things down for him, he's not a great listener, lol.

In any case, back to the main topic, I am going to leave the engagement thing behind us for now. The situation is what it is and I am just going to deal with it for the time being.

Thanks for everyone's help.
 

shihtzulover

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 30, 2010
Messages
717
I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship isn't going quite the same as you had planned. I can imagine that you feel somewhat betrayed and lead on, since your boyfriend was talking about marriage, and then you moved across the country for him - that's definitely a major step.

I would honestly be a little bit miffed at him for talking about marriage so early on, and then backing down from it. I also don't understand why he pushed you to talk to him about how you feel, if he was going to become upset and start feeling pressured when you told him the truth.

On the other hand, since your relationship is still pretty new, I can somewhat understand that it might feel a bit rushed for him, and maybe he is realizing that he isn't quite as ready as he thought. Regardless, it's still not cool that he kind of led you on a bit.

I hope that you are able to find a job soon. I know it's a tough situation, but things usually have a way of working out.

I wish you the best of luck!
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,586
I hate to say this, I honestly do:

You shouldn't have moved without a ring, or without getting married first. Too many sacrifices, too one-sided (it sounds like most of the sacrifices have been made by you). Some couples are ok with living together for a while before marriage--some prefer it actually. Like you, I'd prefer a solid commitment before moving in together--I am biased because I do not plan to live with my SO till I'm married. That being said, if there were a situation where I would move to be near him (at some sacrifice to myself/my career/my friends), I would very strongly prefer/require engagement or marriage before doing so. He's not a bad guy; neither am I. He follows through on his word and I trust him--but, for the sake of my sanity and peace of mind..haha, for the sake of his sanity too, I'd rather have it that way.

You're not 'that girl'.

What would I do in your situation? No threats, no ultimatums. I'd just move out but stay in the relationship. Would I move 'home' or stay, I'm not sure. You don't have power over him, but you do have power over yourself, and I wouldn't want to keep myself in a situation that would make me resentful or drive me crazy.
 

mademoisellepeary

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 27, 2011
Messages
2
Hi all, dragging up this thread as recently 3 of our best friends have gotten engaged. Some who have been together about the same time and some who've been together half the time.

It is just making me really go insane. I have a serious case of LIW-itis. I know you cannot compare relationships but it is making me feel like he is holding back due to not wanting to be engaged around the same time as others and he is stringing me along.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,301
What nationality is your boyfriend?

I'm American, married to the Brit, and living in London. The culture is very different here. The ages at which people get married, how long they date before getting married, etc.

I agree with whoever asked about your living situation. Are you happy with where you're living? Do you have a job and have started to make your own friends? If you're having to rely on your boyfriend for everything, that's really hard!
 
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