How to respond to criticism for not wanting kids

[kenny]

You can read this link or listen to the audio.

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1169740774/so-you-dont-want-kids-how-to-build-a-child-free-life

 

[Matata]

Those responses are too polite

 

[kenny]

Those responses are too polite

I liked this one from the article ... "None of your business."

 

[yssie]

My parents are the only people in my life who would ever ask me that - maybe I’m one of the lucky ones! But ask they do, in nearly every single conversation.

We’ve actually been trying for a year and change… But I can’t possibly talk about those difficulties with my parents, so as far as they’re aware we just still don’t want kids. One time I responded with “I already harvested all the stem cells I’ll ever need” - it came right out, so cheerfully glib, and they totally didn’t understand what I meant, and I’ve never had a wannabe-witticism fall so flat.

::SHRUG:: The responses suggested in that article really are much too polite. Answering like that gives the impression that the question was worthy of a reasonable answer! A little more “mind your own uterus” is merited here!

 

[Lookinagain]

too polite and too many explanations that sound like an excuse instead of a reason. The first response should be either "none of your business" or " because I choose not to" depending on who is asking. I have a child (grown) but to me, there are plenty of reasons today for not having kids, that were perhaps not issues 35 years ago, or I was just oblivious to them. And in my opinion, anyone who has kids because they think they will have someone to take care of them in their old age is definitely gambling on that. I also can't imagine asking my daughter to take care of me in my old age, even though she would. My job (in my opinion) is to make sure she never has to.

 

[dk168]

True story...

I was asked to babysit for a family friend's first born son when he was just 2 weeks old when I was in my late teens.

By the end of 2 weeks' babysitting, I thought if that was what having kids was about, then I did not wish to know or have any.

That baby will be 40 later this year!

I was not asked to babysit for the family friend when she had her second child a couple of years later.

A baby's cry is an irritation to me, whereas I would drop everything for kittens and puppies, cats and dogs.

DK

 

[Mrsz1ppy]

I didn’t read/listen to the article. If you don’t want kids, it’s no favor to anyone to have them. Personally I would be sorely tempted to be sarcastic in response to a question. My daughter, who is autistic, told me that she would never make me a grandmother. I thought it very brave of her, and I accepted it with grace.

 

[dk168]

My mum kept asking me when I would have kids until I was in my late 30s when she told me not to bother by then as it was too late and there would be complications.

She then started to ask after my cat and dog.

DK

 

[missy]

Ha. I didn't listen to your link yet Kenny but this was never a problem for me. Yes, some people over the years have asked why we didn't want children but I never had any doubts. I just knew children weren't something I wanted to have. My answer to them varied but the gist was always the same. NONE of your business. Though I said it in a very polite way. Usually

I have ZERO regrets about not having kids. Absolutely no regrets. Our life would have been completely different. Not worse or better just different. And for me I love our life as it is and was selfish in my decision I admit it.Some people view selfish as a dirty word but I do not. It is OK being selfish if you aren't hurting others. Then there is the selfish that hurts others but I digress. Another topic for another thread.

But there is nothing wrong with knowing one's mind and doing what is right for you and your partner and nothing wrong with not having kids. There are enough people in the world and I do not feel at all guilty for not contributing to the population.

Honestly, I think there are more people who have kids who shouldn't than those who don't have kids who should have.
And having children *is* also a selfish choice. Whether or not you are cognizant of that fact it is.

Not to mention all those crying about the environment and wanting to minimize their negative impact on the environment. The best thing one can do if one ***truly*** wants to minimize their proverbial footprint is to NOT have children.

I think you should do what you and your SO want to do without caring about others think about this.
It is NONE of anyone's business but you and your SO if you have (or don't have) kids. PERIOD.

 

[dk168]

The only time I had a tinge of regret for not having kids, was seeing the gorgeous clothes for newborns in Baby Gap.

Then I reminded myself it would be a lot cheaper and less stressful to get a teddy bear and dress it up in baby clothes instead.

DK

 

[SandraLynn]

Ohh this is 100% up my ally. I’ll start off by telling a bit of my personal story. I’m turning 34 next month. I physically can not have children. I was born with a birth defect called Gastroschisis which caused 5 reconstructive operations before I was even 10 years old. Built up scar tissue caused me to loose both of my Fallopian tubes via 2 more operations by the time I was 17. None of this was my fault.

Anyways….. I never felt the need to tell everyone about this and for anyone who asked, my response was that I did not want children. When I was younger I struggled with not feeling like a real women and all that but I got past this in time. I have received all the responses you could possibly think of. I remember a man calling me selfish for not procreating. This was a stranger and my medical history was none of his business.
My response was “ Wouldn’t it be more selfish to have kids not wanting them” he was very silent after that. People really need to think about what they say because you never know someone’s story.

 

[RMOO]

As the third child of six (to a mother who admitted that only the second pregnancy was planned, and a father who felt he had no responsibility to those children except to provide the income to house, feed, clothes them,) I firmly believe you should only have children if you want to have children. Instead, I was raised by an overwhelmed mother who (I believe) was angry because she felt she was given no other options.

Ironically, I find that questions about one's reproduction choices, usually come from the generation that allowed a religion to make their reproductive choices.

 

[Cerulean]

I always imagined my retort would be something along the lines of, “I’ll have them if you’re paying for them! Any takers?”

I’m certain that would put an end to the topic

 

[missy]

I always imagined my retort would be something along the lines of, “I’ll have them if you’re paying for them! Any takers?”

I’m certain that would put an end to the topic

Unfortunately it might not. People who have the nerve to ask especially if they’re persistent will likely just say to you, well, g-d provides. Just saying. I am not casting shade or anything but I find people who are extremely religious feel it is our duty to procreate.

 

[MissGotRocks]

People just need to mind their own business! There is no need to ask that of someone and there is no need to defend your choice. My experience as a parent has been a good one and I have never regretted having them. However, for those who know ahead of time that they don’t want children, who would question or encourage them to do so? If it were me, I would have a difficult time being respectful to someone that asked that question or implied criticism of me for not having them!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I have 7 direct reports, they are all between the ages of 35-45 and only 3 of them have kids, surprisingly they are the 3 men in my team. The 4 women (2 of which have been married for years) show no signs of wanting kids or ever talk about trying….we are all very close too, go to the gym together at lunch etc. I have never asked them whether they are trying, or have chosen not to have kids, or there are physical issues preventing them from trying. It is not my body, hence not my business. I actually have coworkers ask ME about so and so on my team, and why they’re not having kids (there was a baby boom in our department during lockdown) and I respond with “I don’t know, it is not my body and none of my business”!

I know it is emotionally trying if they ARE trying any not successful, because I have had a couple close friends who tried for years and eventually had to go through IVF and surrogacy to have kids, and they all said that they stress of people asking whether they intended to have kids contributed to the stress and probably the cause them not being able to conceive naturally. That is why I never ask, it is stressful and emotional!

 

[kenny]

... I am not casting shade or anything but I find people who are extremely religious feel it is our duty to procreate.

I wonder why.
Hmm.

People tithe to their religions.
The best way for religions to secure their financial future is to, uhm """""educate"""" fresh toddlers before their brains have developed critical reasoning skills.
Young malleable brains are like brand new computers, doing only what they were wired to do by the programs fed into them, be they good, bad true or false.

Of course they don't tell parents that's what they're up to.

 

[Betty Baguette]

I would turn the question around on them and say, "I don't think American society is a healthy or safe place for children, do you?".

 

[dk168]

If anyone dares to call me selfish for not procreating, then I shall say this: my life, my choice, my way, and it is none of your business!

DK

 

[Cerulean]

Unfortunately it might not. People who have the nerve to ask especially if they’re persistent will likely just say to you, well, g-d provides. Just saying. I am not casting shade or anything but I find people who are extremely religious feel it is our duty to procreate.

I honestly wouldn’t even entertain such a delusional conversation, but I do know the type…

 

[dk168]

There is a old Chinese gentleman in town that I bump into from time to time.

As there are not many Chinese in my town and surrounding area, I thought I would be polite and gave him a bit more time than the usual hello and goodbye.

BIG MISTAKE! As he proceeded to ask very personal questions after asking where I originated and the usual which part of town was I living etc...

Such as whether I was single/married/divorced, and whether I had any children.

When I said I did not have any children and was divorced, he immediately ask why no children and why was I on my own etc...

He asked if I would go and have tea etc. at his place, and I said no, and told him I did not like his line of questioning, and said my goodbye and walked away.

When we bump into each other now, I would quickly make my excuses and leave, as he would still ask me personal questions that I am not prepared to answer.

DK

 

[seaurchin]

I used to know someone whose ten-year-old daughter would ask the intrusive questions. Instead of correcting her, this acquaintance would sit there looking interested. Not really the kind of things a kid would care about anyway, so it seemed like she put the kid up to asking.

I do have children but the questions would be that same type of judgy nosiness, like "Why don't you work?" The mother seemed like the competitive type and especially focused on my financial situation, maybe trying to figure out if she should kiss up or kick down.

I'd heard her trash talk other people who had "mistreated her child," and thought they had probably just put the kid in her place.

I didn't know how to respond to this strange little set up and ended up saying nothing. After a long, uncomfortable silence, the former acquaintance quietly told her daughter to hush.

It reminded me of a staring contest and I had accidentally won it. So now I think a great response to pushy questions is no reply at all. It's neither answering to them or engaging in a confrontation but just leaves them to figure out what to do with the awkwardness they created.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

people need to mind there own bussiness
i knew when i was 6 i didnt want kids
all these years latter i have a thousand good reasons to not want kids

my mother to her credit never put pressure on me, she just accepted it
when her and dad were planning a family i took a long time to arrive and my mother was hurt by people asking nosy questions
i mean maybe one in ten are genuine but most people are just nosy and want to gossip

i wish i had the balls to say tings like
and this is your bussiness how ?

 

[starbrite]

I was very young when we got married. My husband (much older) wanted kids right away, I didn't. I was still just a kid myself. At the time when I accepted his proposal, he agreed to my desire to "grow up" more, go to college, and establish my own career before we seriously talked about starting a family. That was my terms if he wanted me for a wife.

Well, he wanted me.

We got married with the understanding that children would only come after we'd been married for several years and then we both wanted them. He was fine with that.

Of course, all of his side of the family thought it wasn't normal for me not to immediately get pregnant and just forget about going to college. So, did all of his parents' friends. Plus, those folks weren't afraid to speak their mind that a good wife = a good broodmare. Nothing in between. Looking back, they were ultra rude. I remember some of the older women actually coming over and - without permission - rubbing my belly and asking if I would soon have something to show for being married. This actually became a bi weekly deal. I was insulted and intimidated, but I said nothing beyond answering that we had only been married for a few weeks/months...

We soon moved to the suburbs, where I was younger than a lot of the other homeowner's college aged kids. I started to college there, and none of my peers asked me why I didn't have kids or wasn't on my way to having kids. Of course, my college peers weren't married, but we were the same age. Some later went on to have kids; some didn't.

Meanwhile, the neighbors (some my husband's age; some older) routinely insisted that I needed to have a baby as soon as possible. Like it was their business.
The most common comment from the women in the neighborhood was that they did their "duty" to produce children for their husbands, and now, it was my turn to do my "duty". That seemed to be a common phrase and attitude of the women in the neighborhood. I heard it over and over and over and over.

Finally, I'd had enough. At a neighborhood get-together (after getting the when-was-I-going-to-do-my-"duty" question AGAIN), I boldly announced that my husband and I like having sex on the dining room table and dinner in bed whenever we wanted. I then asked them (couples) if they wouldn't also enjoy the freedom to be able to do the same. Plus, if they would, what about the kids? I told them to think about it. You could have heard a pin drop, and my husband had a big grin on his face. I said that we were happy with our marriage just the way it was because we weren't emotionally traumatizing any children in the house. That made us responsible human beings.

I was about 22 at that time. So, I really don't understand why I'd been harassed for years at that point to reproduce just because I was a man's wife.

I was open to thinking about the possibility of eventually having children, but not until I was emotionally mature myself (which I wasn't in my teens and 20's and I knew it!!!). I also wanted to first establish a career beyond just being a wife.

Meanwhile, as the years passed, my husband felt that he was super happy with our lives together without children. More and more so each year. He liked our life being just as I had bluntly pointed out at that community get-together. Having children would mean change.

As time passed, his age peers' kids were getting older and no longer in the super cute, little kid stage that they had been when he first met me. Life with a rebellious teenager isn't the same as life with a cuddly baby. When he saw the difficulties that his friends were experiencing as their kids grew older, he decided on his own that he didn't want to fall into the same trap. Kids were something that his parents and relatives wanted him to have, but he wasn’t so sure that he really did.

When I reached 30, I didn't feel a biological clock ticking and have a sudden desire - as everyone insisted would happen - to become a mother. When I reached 30, my husband also no longer had rose colored glasses on about parenthood. Kids mean real work and sacrifice and still might not turn out as wonderful as the TV sit coms portray them.

Parents need to put their kids first before all else. Children aren't just something you have because society expects you to. When you bring a life into this world, that life desires the best possible from its parents. You are responsible for any child you produce. And - based on my upbringing - that is a lifelong commitment of the parents to the child. Plus, reality is that you can't expect children to have the same commitment to their parents later in life. You are forever responsible for your children, but your children don't have to be responsible for you.

I felt this way as a teen & knew back then that I wasn't mature enough to handle parenthood while I was still a child myself. At 30, I finally had the maturity to handle motherhood. But I had no burning desire to be a mother; plus, I was happy with my husband & my lives together as it was.

When I finally turned 30, my mom and I had a long talk. She said that she felt that if I had a baby, I'd make a good parent. But I really should do whatever makes me happy. Life with children (no matter how much you love them) would never be as carefree as life without children. Life with children changes a marriage. That is something that every couple, that has the choice, should seriously consider. The change can be good or it can be bad, but it will be change. She really wanted to have her children. She was married just 12 months when she had her first baby.

My older (by 20 years) sister never had children of her own. Neither my parents nor I ever asked why. But she did have 14 stepchildren (from different marriages) that she raised.

Anyhow, after you pass 30 and have been married a while, people then start to ask why you don't have children; is it because you can't? Geesh!!! Talk about rude. My answer has always simply been "We are childless by choice. PERIOD!!!"

But there will always be those who then insist being childless is the worst thing that could ever happen to any woman. They will go on with the cliches as to why every "normal" woman needs to give birth to be complete (as in the attached article).

Is being childless by choice selfish? Duh? Selfish to who?

If both partners in a marriage agree to remain childless (for whatever reason) & are content, what does this have to do with anyone else? Having children is not a woman’s “duty”. Women are individuals. For some, motherhood is the most wonderful thing ever. I have close friends who are the greatest moms. My own mom was the greatest mom. I also have friends, who have remained childless by choice. They are super people. In any case, women are more than just breeders.

Here's an article that I think fits a lot of how I feel about being married and childless: https://www.today.com/series/things...ee-marriage-11-things-i-want-you-know-t112788

As a footnote:

As the child, I have been devoted to my parents throughout their old age. I ended up being the dream child to forever love them with all my heart & to take care of whatever they needed. My husband has been the dream son-in-law who has been like a son to them.

Meanwhile, my older brother and sister can't be bothered with anything beyond their own lives. As adults, they have only turned to our parents when they (the adult children) wanted something. Otherwise, they have ignored our parents. Neither one even came to my father's funeral. So, to me, that is proof that you can't automatically count on having children so that "someone will be there for you in your old age". Maybe you will and maybe you won't. As with some many other things in life, it is a gamble. Our parents raised us all with exactly the same love and devotion and was always forever there for each one of us.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

I hate these kinds of questions and I have spawn.
No one should be asking those questions. You do or you don't.
We were together six years before we decided to have children. It wasn't done lightly and raising children is not easy. It was strangers or acquaintances who would audaciously ask why we didn't have any children- I would always smile and answer "Why, are you desperate to sell yours?"
My children have stated they won't have children and I have absolutely no problem with that. Their lives are their own. I only want them happy, however that looks.

 

[kenny]

... It was strangers or acquaintances who would audaciously ask why we didn't have any children- I would always smile and answer "Why, are you desperate to sell yours?"...

 

[dk168]

"Why, are you desperate to sell yours?"

I had responded jokingly that I could possibly eat a whole one and that did not go down well!

A friend joked I should not have children, as it would be like the big plant in Little House of Horror having children, and I cracked up laughing!

DK

 

[Avondale]

Whenever the subject comes up, I calmly explain I currently feel no desire to have children or to be a mother. If I were to have a child and resent it, I would cause that child irreparable trauma for the entirety of its life, and that would be unforgivable.

I generally don't have a problem with people asking - it's their prerogative just as it is mine whether to respond or not. But I also live in a society where people are a lot more closed off and tend to not stick their nose in other people's business.

Besides, we're in our thirties, so it's a subject that's bound to come up during discussions. Some of our friends have kids, some don't, and of the latter some are still undecided. So we talk about it.

To be honest, I'm lucky that my family isn't pressuring me. My aunt (who, after my mother died, just decided "welp, I have a third daughter now") is the only one who tried to persuade me while she was still thinking I was undecided. And not because of some ill-conceived notions of duty or tradition, but because motherhood made her very happy and she wants the same happiness for all her children. But she absolutely never pestered me or tried to pressure me into anything.

I do sometimes wonder if my decision would've been different under different circumstances. How much was I influenced by economic circumstances, career development, health issues? Would I have chosen differently if I was healthy? If my job wasn't so demanding? If I hadn't decided to fly solo, if the pandemic hadn't happened to almost bankrupt me and take my partners out of business entirely? No way to know.

In the end I figured if I were to suddenly be hit with the urge to take care of a child past the age where a pregnancy would be possible and safe, I'd just look into adoption and that will be it.

 

[Piper70]

Neither of my brothers have kids and I never asked them why. It’s the hardest thing in the world to raise kids, if you do it right, and it’s none of my business whether people can or will have children.

 

[Arcadian]

It was rare that anyone asked. I'm old now and where I am, there's plenty of women who never had them for whatever reason. Its great. I'm old now too so that helps.