How to let go of wedding drama/mishaps?

[pearaffair]

Did you have a perfect wedding, except for _fill in the blank_? I did! And I want to move the heck on. But I find myself thinking fondly of my wedding day, and then getting sad.

My wedding was perfect… Except that a good friend, now someone I’m not friends with, made it her mission to make me feel bad the whole way through. She has admitted it was due to insecurity etc, but her behaviour was inexcusable and selfish. We don’t speak anymore.

When I think back to this special and important time in my life, it is tinged with sadness because of her deliberately trying to hurt me. I don’t know how to separate the two, and I hate this association. How can I move on? I want to only remember the happy things, but I’m still so hurt (and it has been two years!)

I know some of the PSers have been married longer than me

Any advice?

 

[pearaffair]

PS - I hope this is ok to post in this thread. Let me know if it's not!

 

[sonnyjane]

My first tidbit would be to tell you to look back on that day and be thankful that her true colors came through and that you ended a toxic friendship.

My second tidbit would be to tell you to read a few online blogs of TRULY HORRIBLE wedding disasters (rings being lost, hair catching on fire, brawls erupting and leading to bridal parties being arrested lol) and realize maybe yours wasn't that bad.

My third tidbit is to tell you that if you can't get over it on your own, I'm a huge proponent of therapy.

 

[BigSteve]

First off, that really really sucks. I also tend to fixate on the negative side of things and it can make for miserable times.

But, I've gotten in the habit of trying real hard to let go of things that bother me. I picture Sheldon on Big Bang Theory learning to let things go and then try to let it go. But it's not easy, it's just that the gaps between when I think of them get longer and longer.

 

[kenny]

Focus on what really matters ... you and your husband.

 

[missy]

Hi, sorry you experienced this and still are feeling sad about it. I agree with Sonnyjane and Kenny and Steve.

Be grateful your "friend" showed her true colors and allowed you to see her for who she is. You don't need that toxicity in your life and while it was unfortunate she didn't show them till your wedding day (for you to fully realize it ) that's OK. She did finally show you and she is no longer a part of your life exerting her negative energy. You cannot control other people and their behavior but you can remove yourself from their influence and not let them affect continue affecting you. That is under your control.

The wedding itself really means very little compared to the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with so let the negative experience go. Release that energy and be happy and grateful you and your partner are in love and sharing the rest of your lives together. That is what is important. Not what happened that one day or the days leading up to it. Live in the moment and cherish each day together. You cannot change the past and you cannot predict the future but you have today and the time you are sharing making your lives better each day.

Wishing you health and happiness together and realize how fortunate you are to have today with your dh. That person cannot affect you anymore if you don't let her. Don't let her.

 

[arkieb1]

Our then 5 year old flower girl broke her arm badly the night before the wedding and some of the wedding party were at the hospital instead of the wedding, my elderly grandmother slipped over two days before and hurt herself, there was no water for anyone to have showers for 3 hours (literally no water) the morning of the wedding and I rolled and sprained my ankle a couple of hours before the ceremony.

And that is without getting into the heated arguments and horrific details of personal disagreements that occurred just before and during the wedding....

I think if you love your husband and he loves you, cherish that - life is too short to worry about the rest.

 

[telephone89]

At the end of the day, your wedding was just a party (though an expensive one likely!) - what matters was that you got MARRIED. You got to marry your best friend/soul mate/partner whatever you want to call it. You stood up in front of your family and vowed your undying love to each other, and are now spending the rest of your lives together. It could have literally hurricaned (sp?) on that day, but no one can take that away from you.

 

[House Cat]

I am six years married...

I painstakingly planned every detail of my wedding. I wanted the most perfect day. I *thought* I chose incredible vendors. I really took things to the next level because, well, I have a real tendency to get obsessive. I even chucked my first wedding dress and bought another...a fact that I will NEVER, EVER live down in my social circle.

My mother was constantly in my ear, telling me everything was too expensive. "Who did I think I was, some kind of movie star?" "She just got married down at the courthouse, or Tahoe." On and on went the guilt for having this event. You need to understand, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has never wanted good things for me. This was another one of those events where her jealousy and ill will was surely showing through.

Then, two months before my wedding, her husband committed suicide right in the house while she was there . It was so horrific. Of course, we were all there for her, focused on her. Everything else went on the back burner because she needed us. We spent most every day at her home. I tried to postpone the wedding but my venue vendor wouldn't allow it.

In the two months leading up to my wedding, all those little details that I cared so much about just weren't important anymore. My husband and I were barely sleeping. We kept finding ourselves waking in the middle of the night, grabbing one another in sheer emotional pain at the thought of my stepdad doing such a thing or my mother living through such a thing, and trying to find some way to fall back to sleep. I had no energy to even care about this wedding or engagement photos or any of it.

We had actually scheduled my wedding on a Friday, to save some money. We knew it was a risk, but it was in the afternoon and we thought people could just take a half day off work. Unfortunately, most of my family had just taken time off for my stepdad's funeral. Then there was my mother's unbridled volatility due to her grief that managed to alienate a very big part of my family...this whittled my guest list down to 35 people. Much less than half of whom we invited.

My vendors let me down too. My photographer took really bad photos, which I can't understand for the life of me because her portfolio and reviews were really good. But let me tell you, she actually submitted a photo to me of my husband and I on an outside stairway and there is a propane tank in the photo! My makeup artist was really heavy handed. My flowers were a FREAKIN NIGHTMARE!!! LOL!!!

But you know what? The day still was beautiful. I married my wonderful husband and I love the day for that reason. But I am also six years out. When I was six months out, I was still upset about all of those other factors because they were fresh in my mind and because my marriage was still new. That is just a fact. I was also still grieving my stepdad and that got sort of enmeshed with my feelings about my wedding. Once the grief was processed and I was a few years out from it, my feelings about my wedding were much more positive.

Is it possible that you are still feeling EXTREMELY betrayed by a conniving bitch of a friend? Could you still be grieving the friendship? If it were me I would even be asking myself questions such as, "How could I have let her do this to me??" "Why didn't I see this sooner?" There are all kinds of natural, human emotions that come from encountering a personality like that frenemy.

When I read your post describing a human being who intentionally sabotaged your wedding, I actually said out loud "WTF!"

So, maybe it isn't actually the wedding that is the problem at all. Maybe once you are done processing your feelings about this friend, you will be able to move on and give your wedding the love it deserves.

 

[Calliecake]

House Cat, I'm so sorry. There truly is nothing like a REAL tragedy to put your priorities in order.

I agree with all the others and would be thankful the "friend" was no longer in my life. I could not agree more with what Kenny said. I am thankful that I always viewed a wedding as one day out of my life. My friends who said the whole day will be a blur were correct. It is so much more important to focus on having a wonderful marriage. I have also known many women who put all their energy into having a perfect wedding. Many of them are now divorced.

 

[pearaffair]

I am six years married...

I painstakingly planned every detail of my wedding. I wanted the most perfect day. I *thought* I chose incredible vendors. I really took things to the next level because, well, I have a real tendency to get obsessive. I even chucked my first wedding dress and bought another...a fact that I will NEVER, EVER live down in my social circle.

My mother was constantly in my ear, telling me everything was too expensive. "Who did I think I was, some kind of movie star?" "She just got married down at the courthouse, or Tahoe." On and on went the guilt for having this event. You need to understand, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has never wanted good things for me. This was another one of those events where her jealousy and ill will was surely showing through.

Then, two months before my wedding, her husband committed suicide right in the house while she was there . It was so horrific. Of course, we were all there for her, focused on her. Everything else went on the back burner because she needed us. We spent most every day at her home. I tried to postpone the wedding but my venue vendor wouldn't allow it.

In the two months leading up to my wedding, all those little details that I cared so much about just weren't important anymore. My husband and I were barely sleeping. We kept finding ourselves waking in the middle of the night, grabbing one another in sheer emotional pain at the thought of my stepdad doing such a thing or my mother living through such a thing, and trying to find some way to fall back to sleep. I had no energy to even care about this wedding or engagement photos or any of it.

We had actually scheduled my wedding on a Friday, to save some money. We knew it was a risk, but it was in the afternoon and we thought people could just take a half day off work. Unfortunately, most of my family had just taken time off for my stepdad's funeral. Then there was my mother's unbridled volatility due to her grief that managed to alienate a very big part of my family...this whittled my guest list down to 35 people. Much less than half of whom we invited.

My vendors let me down too. My photographer took really bad photos, which I can't understand for the life of me because her portfolio and reviews were really good. But let me tell you, she actually submitted a photo to me of my husband and I on an outside stairway and there is a propane tank in the photo! My makeup artist was really heavy handed. My flowers were a FREAKIN NIGHTMARE!!! LOL!!!

But you know what? The day still was beautiful. I married my wonderful husband and I love the day for that reason. But I am also six years out. When I was six months out, I was still upset about all of those other factors because they were fresh in my mind and because my marriage was still new. That is just a fact. I was also still grieving my stepdad and that got sort of enmeshed with my feelings about my wedding. Once the grief was processed and I was a few years out from it, my feelings about my wedding were much more positive.

Is it possible that you are still feeling EXTREMELY betrayed by a conniving bitch of a friend? Could you still be grieving the friendship? If it were me I would even be asking myself questions such as, "How could I have let her do this to me??" "Why didn't I see this sooner?" There are all kinds of natural, human emotions that come from encountering a personality like that frenemy.

When I read your post describing a human being who intentionally sabotaged your wedding, I actually said out loud "WTF!"

So, maybe it isn't actually the wedding that is the problem at all. Maybe once you are done processing your feelings about this friend, you will be able to move on and give your wedding the love it deserves.

Wow - first off, I'm sorry to hear about all the things that happened around your wedding, and I'm impressed and amazed that you're able to focus on the good parts!!! I could take a page out of your book

You have helped me so much with this post. Maybe it's not the wedding but the loss of the friendship that is driving me crazy still. We were so so close. All this time I thought it was that the wedding was sabotaged that bothers me, but I never really cared about the wedding during planning. It makes more sense to me that I'm still in mourning about a friend acting so wrongly.

Thank you so much for sharing your own story, and your insight. It's helping a lot.

 

[pearaffair]

PS housecat - I hope the ring worked out!!!

 

[sonnyjane]

I wanted to add that if it helps, you can remove her from the tangible wedding memories! My friend recently had her bachelorette party and afterwards her close friend of 13 years told her that she hated her and dropped out of the wedding, blocked her number, and blocked her online. It came out of nowhere and nobody has received an explanation to this day. I went back through dozens of photos from the trip and photoshopped the girl out. My friend was very thankful that she didn't have photos with her in them to sour the experience.

 

[momhappy]

Did you have a perfect wedding, except for _fill in the blank_? I did! And I want to move the heck on. But I find myself thinking fondly of my wedding day, and then getting sad.

My wedding was perfect… Except that a good friend, now someone I’m not friends with, made it her mission to make me feel bad the whole way through. She has admitted it was due to insecurity etc, but her behaviour was inexcusable and selfish. We don’t speak anymore.

When I think back to this special and important time in my life, it is tinged with sadness because of her deliberately trying to hurt me. I don’t know how to separate the two, and I hate this association. How can I move on? I want to only remember the happy things, but I’m still so hurt (and it has been two years!)

I know some of the PSers have been married longer than me

Any advice?

I'm sorry that you experienced that on your wedding day.
I think it's okay to experience the hurt from time to time. Hurt can help us grow and learn. Just know that it's okay to think of those unhappy moments, but understand that those are not what matters most in your life. It sounds to me like maybe you already have moved on if you've recognized that she is not a true friend.

 

[junebug17]

Pearaffair, I'm really sorry your friend treated you so terribly, I can see how you'd feel upset and how it could affect your feelings about your wedding. I agree with others that you're probably still hurt by your former friend's behavior. I think the main thing that will help is the passage of time. Eventually you will be able to focus and hold on to all of the wonderful things about your wedding and the negative stuff will fade into the background and the emotions attached to it will lessen a lot. Time has a way of taking care of things like this. A wedding is just one day - your marriage is for a lifetime and that is what is truly special and important! Hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon.

 

[pearaffair]

Thanks, everyone. This is a really supportive place

And you're right - the marriage will last longer than the sting of these bad memories!

 

[Gypsy]

So this is how I look at it.

EVERY wedding we've been to or been a part of has had drama. Including my own. I spent 18 months planning the thing right down the labels on the water bottles. A woman I considered one of my best friends proved to be anything but. Another woman I considered a good friend also showed her true colors. My DJ was a mess until finally one of the guests took him in hand and put things on the right road. My dress zipper broke in the middle of the reception and I had to be sewn into my dress by my photographer which took nearly an hour! The caterer underestimated some of the food and that was embarrassing.

And yes, I could let it taint my memories of the day.

But it was a BEAUTIFUL day. The weather was amazing, I felt and looked the best I ever had. My TRUE best friend, my husband. was by my side and our love was the focus of the day. We celebrated the next step in our relationship with our friends and family looking on and under God's sky, with the sun shining down on us. The feel of my grandfather's hand in mine, strong and sure, as I walked down the aisle, feeling beautiful and confident and walking toward a future with a man who was waiting for me, his eyes shining with love and pride. A man I KNEW I could trust till the end of my days.

We did our own vows and I will never EVER EVER forget that. Hearing my husband speak the most beautiful words I have ever heard (I had not heard or read his vows before that moment) to me. And then speaking my heart to him. We were holding hands and I was crying. And THAT moment. THAT ONE PERFECT MOMENT. My two best friends-- my husband and my MOH on either side of me. My family and his looking on. The sky with the sun shining. And just him and me, pledging our commitment to each other and exchanging tokens of that love. THAT moment was it. That was the WHOLE point of the event. And everything else was just... noise (if it was negative) or dressing. ALL OF IT. The flowers, the dress, the music. None of it was important compared to that ONE moment.

Because the SUBSTANCE of that day was THAT ONE MOMENT. And that is what I focus on. I remember how that felt. How amazingly BLESSED I felt, how confident, how loved, how cherished. And that is what I remember about my wedding day. And keeping focused on that makes all the other stuff just fade into the background until it is irrelevant. Because, ultimately it was. The wedding wasn't about my friends. It wasn't about the dress. It wasn't about the food. Or anything else. It was about US. And that part of the wedding, the US part, that was perfect. So the rest.. doesn't even matter any more. I just let it go. A long time ago.

When I look at my pictures I feel blessed to have had that feeling, for a day, of just everything that was IMPORTANT, being right in the world. And everything that wasn't 'right' well, it wasn't important anyway, so it doesn't even register.

 

[Polished]

Gypsy - beautiful.

I remember being a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding and having a woman, I'd never met before, spending every moment she could being nasty to me. I was very surprised by it but, even at the time, I had the goal that I was still going to enjoy my friend's special day and more importantly play my part in making it special for her. I never told my friend how this women had behaved at her wedding but I did enquire as to who she was. It turned out she had grown up with this woman and that she had been bullied by her throughout her high school days. She also told me a lot later that she had never needed this girl to be her friend, it was always her who had wanted the "friendship" to continue.

My friend had had her own issue to deal with at her wedding. The night before her mother had said something to upset her and then had proceeded to keeping waking her up all through the night to apologize for what she had said. My friend had arrived at her wedding with only an hour of sleep. The wedding was still lovely, the bride and groom were happy and she'd had had a wonderful restful honeymoon to get over that exhausting wedding!

This woman's behaviour at your wedding pearaffair wasn't ok but I hope you are able to rise above it and allow everything that was special to take its rightful place in your heart and thoughts.

 

[MollyMalone]

What beautiful and moving testimony to the power of love, Gypsy; tears came to my eyes as I was reading it.

* * * I married my wonderful husband and I love the day for that reason. But I am also six years out. When I was six months out, I was still upset about all of those other factors because they were fresh in my mind and because my marriage was still new. That is just a fact. I was also still grieving my stepdad and that got sort of enmeshed with my feelings about my wedding. Once the grief was processed and I was a few years out from it, my feelings about my wedding were much more positive.
Is it possible that you are still feeling EXTREMELY betrayed by a conniving bitch of a friend? Could you still be grieving the friendship? If it were me I would even be asking myself questions such as, "How could I have let her do this to me??" "Why didn't I see this sooner?" There are all kinds of natural, human emotions that come from encountering a personality like that frenemy.
When I read your post describing a human being who intentionally sabotaged your wedding, I actually said out loud "WTF!"
So, maybe it isn't actually the wedding that is the problem at all. Maybe once you are done processing your feelings about this friend, you will be able to move on and give your wedding the love it deserves.

Wow - first off, I'm sorry to hear about all the things that happened around your wedding, and I'm impressed and amazed that you're able to focus on the good parts!!! I could take a page out of your book
You have helped me so much with this post. Maybe it's not the wedding but the loss of the friendship that is driving me crazy still. We were so so close. All this time I thought it was that the wedding was sabotaged that bothers me, but I never really cared about the wedding during planning. It makes more sense to me that I'm still in mourning about a friend acting so wrongly.
Thank you so much for sharing your own story, and your insight. It's helping a lot.

House Cat's thoughtful suggestion that you are grieving the loss of the friendship you thought you had (on top of being blindsided by her contemptible behavior on your wedding weekend) has clearly resonated with you, pearaffair. Because of my own experience with a similar situation, I"m very hopeful that House Cat's wise counsel re processing those feelings will facilitate much peace and grace for you!

 

[Gypsy]

Housecat, holy crow. ((HUGS)).

Pear Affair: Go look at your wedding photos. Pick your favorite ones. And look at them with the eyes of a stranger seeing them for the first time. HEAR the story they tell with new ears. And believe it. I promise you, her voice, her face... it won't be part of it.

Look at those pictures and read the narrative, the story they tell. And internalize it. THAT is the story of your day. She's not even part of it.

 

[ame]

I've worked in weddings a LONG time, and if I've learned anything from it, it's that weddings and funerals bring out the true colors in a person. You find out who people really are, and who you can really count on. It's never who you think it is, and often, especially not family.

My sister and I are still very butthurt about my brother's wedding, as are our parents and husbands. And it's basically changed and ruined our relationship with both of them. My parents are less angry as time goes by, but the rest of us...still stewing. We loved her before they got married, but the invitation drama (thankfully everyone else knew I had nothing to do with those godawful things) and being excluded from the bridal party in an equally obnoxious way, and how they acted about my nephew, and how their photographer treated my nephew and my family because my nephew was in the wedding (a story in itself)....it changed everything. We probably didn't act that adult by the end either.

The only things I can tie to my own wedding that are "drama" are really related to my "grand" entrance, which is more hilarious than anything. Most people were creeped out by how unusually calm I was. There was bridesmaid dress drama, but otherwise, eh. The biggest drama tied to it was my aunt having an anyuerism rupture and nearly dying, and her kids and husband and mother fighting over whether to honor her wishes (her kids and mother won and ignored them...) and something my other POS cousin did to his parents in the time leading up to my wedding and while I was on my honeymoon, that we learned about as an entire family right when we got back from our honeymoon. He and his wife are dead to the family now and their kids are not acknowledged.