How to help DH?

[Miss Sparkly]

DH is angry because as he puts it, he's "fat and lazy". I wouldn't say it to his face, but yes he is. That's what happens when you eat too much and play video games all the time. He joined a gym and has been working out daily which I am very proud of him for and make sure to tell him that. I just know the breakdown is coming because he's still "hiding" food that he eats when I'm not home - whole bags of chips, 2 liter sodas in a day, pints of Ben and Jerrys in one sitting and a whole bag of Albertsons cookies in two days (there are 4,400 calories of cookies in one bag ). He doesn't know that I know he hides food and I don't want to get rid of it for fear he'll just try to hide it better. I just wish I knew how to help him

 

[Jennifer W]

I can understand why you're worried - it's difficult when someone you love is being self destructive. Do you think he just likes to eat? Or does he have a problem with food? If it's the latter, he might do better with professional support.

Lots of people eat too much, and it isn't about anything more deep-rooted than wanting to eat things that taste good, even if that ultimately frustrates their own long term aims. Hunger and appetite are powerful drivers of behaviour. However, sometimes it tips over into a situation where the person doing the eating is not in control for whatever reason and does need some help.

Can you talk to him gently about this? I would gently suggest that you are aware of it and concerned without making too big a deal of it, then think about what to do next based on his reaction.

Jen

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Eek that sounds not like he's just having a weight problem, but as if there's a psychological element to it as well (the hiding food). Although it is great that he's realized he needs to change his habits and has joined a gym.

However, eating habits definitely need to be changed - can you try to get him to switch to healthier snacks to begin with, like fruit and such, and then start working on decreasing the amount? And I kind of feel like you or someone, maybe a professional even, should sit down with him and discuss the hiding food part.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I wish you both luck!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Who does the grocery shopping? Maybe do the shopping together so the two of you can pick out healthy choices?

 

[Haven]

Who does the grocery shopping? Maybe do the shopping together so the two of you can pick out healthy choices?

This was my initial thought.
I'd also talk about a food budget--his eating habits sound very expensive to me! I would go through the roof if my husband spent that much money on food!

What are the odds that he'd keep an honest food diary? What if he knew nobody else would see it? Maybe a food diary would be a good way for him to see how much he's actually eating. I would also encourage him to keep a diary of how much money he's spending on food, too, but that's because I'm a miser.

Good luck! I think it sounds like a great step that he's already working out. In my experience, once people start to make one change, it's easier for others to follow.

 

[Sha]

That's a lot of food to eat in a day. Has he always eaten that much? Does he have a big appetite for other foods or is it just junk food that he tends to eat in large amounts?

If he's joined a gym, why is he still hiding and eating that much junk food? It doesn't sound like he really is making a genuine effort to lose weight...or did he just join to make you happy? If he knows he's still eating huge quantities of junk food, why is he angry at himself for being 'fat and lazy'?

Sorry for all the questions. I agree that it sounds like there may be something else going on here...perhaps some sort of emotional problemt that your DH is struggling with? I would definitely gently confront him on the food issue - using very neutral, nonjudgemental language - i.e not 'fat and lazy', but let him know that you're concerned about his lack of activity/weight/amount of food he eats in one sitting etc. It would really help to know whether it's an 'apetite' issue, a 'food choice' issue, or an 'emotional issue', since that would determine the kind of help he would need.

There's only so much you can do, though. He needs to be motivated and committed to changing, as well.

 

[charbie]

this is going to be something he has to decide to do. i know this because i've been in his shoes.

when i was at my heaviest, i knew i wanted to lose weight, but didn't really know how to make that first step. i joined a gym on DH's insistence, but would stop at the drive through and get ice cream on my way home. it was self destructive behavior. when we would go out to eat and i'd order a meal with fries, he'd say, "now, i know you're trying to lose weight. is that the best decision?" meanwhile, he was sitting next to me eating a double order of fries with fried chicken tenders. i felt like CRAP. i'd resent him for telling me what to do and how to east. and being depressed and mad at myself would drive me to eat bad food to "feel better" and then i'd feel guilty again. i'd say to DH, "i can't wear anything...i'm too fat for all my clothes." blah blah blah.

how are your eating habits? do you eat veggies/lean proteins/low carbs? because cooking together and finding good meals you can both eat might help him. i also started a food journal, an HONEST one, and that really woke me up. another suggestion would be to have a frank and honest conversation with him. not necessarily mentioning the food hiding (it's embarrassing. trust me. and it won't help the situation AT ALL.he will only feel worse about himself.) but talk to him about what his goals are, and how he plans to achieve them. ask him how you can HELP him achieve them. DH sat me down and said, "you're miserable. how can we get through this?" it took lots of tears, but finally i realized only i can make a change, and i needed DH to be there to cheer me on.

just today we went out to eat together and i ordered grilled mahi mahi with green beans, and gave him all but one of my baby potatoes. we left the restaurant, and i said, "honey, i'm proud of myself. i just wanted to tell you that." he smiled and said, "i'm so proud of you too." every day, every MEAL is a victory for me.

 

[kelpie]

He may need help for depression, and people always need a push to get help (I know I did). So help him with that and really make sure he is out of the house and active. Breaking the bad habits like excessive videogames requires a replacement positive activity.

 

[soocool]

A friend of mine lost a lot of weight a few years back, but she never pushed her husband to follow suit. She just figured he would want the same thing. He later confided in my husband that her losing the weight made him feel inferior. I approached my friend about what he had told DH.

It seems that while she was all about eating healthy and kept talking about it all the time she was still buying junk food for him. Perhaps this was a mixed message or whatever. He finally approached her saying that he wanted to improve his health and she helped him on "improving" his health and not on losing weight. She helped him set goals, weekly, monthly for junk foods that he would gradually reduce. After 6 months he primarily gave up soda, drinking maybe a liter a week instead of daily. He has a sweet tooth, so she started baking but incorporating healthier ingredients and more fiber into his food. The fiber keeps him fuller longer so he doesn't feel the need to eat all the time. When he started to notice that he was dropping weight he started to feel better about himself and they would take nightly walks together and even took up golfing together. He still has more weight to lose, but he is doing it at his pace.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If he hides food, he probably has a bigger problem than just his weight. People use all types of substances and behaviors to numb pain. If there is an underlying problem my best advice is to encourage him to go to a counselor with experience working with food addicts. There are also 12 step programs, over eaters, food addicts, etc, that can be very helpful for people to have a healthier relationship with food and explore why they use food to comfort themselves. Unfortunately your husband has to WANT help, not just need it. Food is an addiction to many people. Addictions are very difficult to control.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Thanks for all the ideas! He's always ate food like this. When he was in high school and college he ran cross country, played varsity tennis and was very active in karate. I think it took a few years for the O SH** moment to hit him. That he shouldn't have been eating like that and he can't continue to eat like that and be healthy. As far as hiding the food, he knows that I don't like that he's eating so much and that I'm working on my own weight (I gained 70lbs when I was on the depo shot BAD BAD STUFF ) and I try not to eat that kind of food. I've made some progress He takes apples to work with him, doesn't buy a cookie (the big ones) and soda everyday like he used to and at least I got him on dark chocolate instead of milk. He's also slowly learned that meat should not be 4x the size of your veggies and he makes the plate about equal. I just worry. Neither one of us had good examples of the right way to eat growing up and I'd like for both of us to be around for a long time. I'm lucky in that long life and NO diseases run in my family. He's not so lucky

eta: thinking back on it I can see where I might have caused him to hide food. He brought home a bag of cookies one day and I told him not to eat them all while I was gone at work (half joking half very serious). When I got home I saw that the bag had more cookies in it then when I had left. I called him out on it and he said that he wasn't paying attention and ate the whole bag while watching TV. Then knowing that I wouldn't be happy with that, bought a new bag and removed a couple of the cookies.