How to get back planning momentum?

[distracts]

Right after Fiance and I got engaged, I was ready to be all-in on wedding planning, but he had no idea what he wanted and my mother couldn't wrap her head around the idea of her child having a wedding instead of eloping, and, moreover, her child having a wedding that costs money, so all my planning efforts quickly fizzled and died. Plus, an older cousin of mine got engaged to a girl he'd been dating for years and years shortly after Fiance and I did, and they were getting married in six months, whereas Fiance and I were waiting two years, so it made sense to wait until after they got married and wedding stuff died down to start up our planning.

So anyway, fast forward a year later to now. Lots of my mother's friends have been planning their daughter's weddings (apparently in no case except mine has the daughter tried to be very involved, hah!), my aunt is on some kind of weird post-wedding low after the excitement of planning my cousin's wedding, and being exposed to constant wedding talk has made my mother AMPED UP! about mine. Her friends have managed to convince her of many of the things I was never able to - importantly, that our wedding will look similar to that of our family and peers who have recently gotten married, and what that will entail.

So now my mom is really into wanting to plan it, but I feel like my momentum is all gone. I am out of school but haven't yet found a job, so now is the PERFECT time to plan. The big hiring surge in my field will come in another month to three months, so realistically I am not likely to get a job until then unless I decide to open up the search to "anything that pays." Now is a good time for scouting locations and talking to wedding planners and vendors since the only other things I'm doing are jobhunting, networking, taking some jewelry-making classes, and planning more home renovations. I just feel like I have energy and enthusiasm for these other things but not for my wedding. It seems like an insurmountably huge task. I love my fiance and would elope with him in a second, but. Wedding. Argh. But I want to have a big wedding, because I feel it's important to express your commitment in front of all your peeps.

One of the things holding me back, which I mentioned in a thread in Hangout several weeks ago, is that I've been getting a lot of flack for my wedding choices. I'm not particularly traditional, and I don't feel the need for my wedding to be completely "by-the-book." I'm not going super-crazy out on a limb though - I just want to wear a knee-length lavender dress (because that's what I will feel prettiest in), not wear a long veil (it wouldn't go with my dress! I'll have a birdcage veil or sparkly headpiece thingy!), not have a long fancy ceremony (neither Fiance nor I are religious, so I feel like literally standing there with someone to moderate our commitment remarks is good enough), to have a couple's shower instead of a bridal shower, and have both girls and boys in my bridal party (my friends are split about half female and half male, and I see no reason to exclude the men simply because I am marrying a man or it's traditional to just have girls - one of my bffs screamed in excitement when he found out Fiance and I were getting engaged and immediately asked me if he got to be a bridesmaid - I told him I wasn't paying for gender reassignment surgery but he could be a bridesman). For each of these decisions, I have literally had someone yell at me until I cried. In some cases it was my friends and in some cases it was Fiance's friends (it was never my family - his family sure would if they hear about it before they show up at the wedding though!). Like, Fiance is stressed about some of my decisions (well, basically he just wants me to wear a full-length dress, which I am considering, and for our attendant parties or whatever you call them to be numerically matched), but that's understandable because it's his wedding too, and also he never makes me feel bad and cry about my choices. I just. What if I get further into planning and people just yell at me more?

I had no idea that the wedding would be so emotional for people. I bought this book, "How to Take Back Your Wedding," that's about managing people stresses during wedding planning, to hopefully help me deal with it. I started it and it seems pretty good so far, if for no other reason than that it reassures me that it's not an unusual problem to have. I understand the planning process is stressful and frustrating, but I would like it to not be so painful. And, importantly, I would like to forge ahead with it, because we want to get married about this time next year (originally we wanted the middle of March, but a relative of mine is getting married March 16 of next year so we have to have it on a different weekend - she managed to set her date ONE WEEK after getting engaged). But I feel like I'm blocked from engaging emotionally.

Have any of you experienced this and how did you get past it?

 

[aviastar]

Hmm...tough situation! If it were me I would do two things: 1) Take back my wedding by making it a surprise for EVERYONE who would give you a hard time. Find out how much of a financial commitment any family is willing or not willing to give, and then just refuse to discuss things you have already made decisions about. It really helps if you have one or two supportive family members or friends who can be your sounding board and be counted on to be honest, but enthusiastic, but not everyone needs to know everything all the time. My family has been great, but I was MOH for my best friend whose mother was crazy and it was eventually just the better idea to leave her out of the decision making process for the most part. 2) I would find the aspect that really excited me and do that first. I didn't enjoy dress shopping- it was stressful to the point that I decided to take a picture to a dressmaker and then forget about it until my first fitting (tomorrow- already freaking out!). But I LOVED sitting down with my florist- she got me, my vision, my style in a heartbeat and it was so fun that I started thinking about all the details, which lead me into making more decisons, and checking more things off the list...etc. Find the part of the wedding that inspires YOU and go from there.

FWIW, you still have a year, so it's not dire straights just yet. You only have to do one thing at a time, so don't let the big picture overwhelm you yet. Good Luck!

 

[gem_anemone]

It sounds like you have a lot of battles to fight and fires to put out to plan the wedding you envision. No wonder you are struggling with planning! I wonder who is footing the bill for your wedding. If it is you and your fiance then no one else has the right to an opinion on any planning (IMO), however, if you have family members who are financially contributing, then my guess is they will want to have a say in some of it. I would try to figure out what your family members who contribute can and cannot tolerate regarding your non-traditional plans and what you can and cannot live without on your special day and make sure that everyone involved is on the same page. I also think you should get with your fiance and find out what he can and cannot tolerate. I don't know you, but I think that choosing to wear a tee-length lavendar dress is a very personal choice and if I did know you I would hope that I would not be as surprised by your choice as your fiance seems to be. Did that come out right? What I mean is that I see your ering is not a diamond so I do not understand why anyone close to you would be surprised by any other non-traditional choices. I love the idea of your dress btw Tee length seems to be a new trend! If you watch the show Glee, a character on it wore a a tee-length dress and I saw pics from a wedding last month on a bride who wore one and she was just beautiful.

Anyway...it seems like you will have a lot of negotiations that couples going the more traditional route won't have to have. So I advise laying that groundwork to be the first thing on your list! Once you get that tough part over the rest should be just the (hopefully fun) wedding planning itself. Good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

Good lord.

I am sorry honey, but you are kinda part of the problem.

You know why people are giving you flack about your wedding choices? You are allowing them to. By sharing.

If you know your decision is right just follow through and don't worry about the rest.

Here's how this should work:

Let's go dress shopping!
No, need. I have my dress.
Really, what' it look like?
It's a suprise and I feel beautiful in it.
What about your veil?
Already have on and it's perfect for the dress.
(even if you don't have the dress already)

What about your shower?
I've already decided on the invite list.

If you have to share the list because someone else is hosting it:
There are men on this list.
Thank you Captain Obvious. Bye!

Stop sharing.
Stop asking for permission.

That's it. No one can yell at you about something they know nothing about.
Share with your FI only. Consider his opinion only. Or ours if you need to double check, cause we won't judge you or yell at you or hurt you.

It's all about managing information. Before you share anything think: Is this a decision that someone might question or have an issue with? If the answer is no, maybe you can share it. If the answer is yes, don't share it except for your FI and maybe a post on here.

You want Mom involved, aunt involved, whoever involved. Make a list of decisions/things to do that you don't care about and delegate those. I didn't give a hoot about my favors. Mom picked them, bought them and my aunt packaged them. No fuss, no fights and they felt "involved" and I felt relieved I didn't have to deal with the favors.

If they suggest something you don't want, shoot it down firmly. Don't try to convince them. Just say no.

This was me with my mom.

HONEY! You have to have an aisle runner!
Nope. Don't want one. Thanks.
Why not?
Because I don't want one and it's my wedding.

They can't argue with that. If they try to say things like "but your my only daughter" or whatever you say, "And it's your only daughter's wedding day and her opinion is the one that matters."

Practice it.

 

[Gypsy]

Oh, and if anyone BUT your fiance asks you this question, the answer is a firm "No."

"So my opinion doesn't matter?"
"No, your opinion doesn't matter because it's my wedding, not yours." Don't say it bitchy. Don't be confrontational about it. Just state it over and over to yourself until you have internalized it and can say it with quiet matter of fact confidence and sincerity. Because it is true.

This applies to your mom as well.

Your mother had her wedding. Or not. As she chose. Your aunts had theirs. And your friends and cousins will either have theirs, or not as they will it.

You need to be a bit more confident.

I'm not saying be a bridezilla and ignore reason and logic. I'm not saying be financially irresponsible-- be financially responsible and if someone has a real argument about finances listen, especially if you aren't paying for things. But short of that: get some confidence and stop asking people for opinions and ideas when you don't need them. And when you have made a decision, stick to it firmly and don't explain yourself and try to justify or ask for permission. It's your wedding and your opinion is the one that matters. Period.

 

[Novel]

Ugh, other people's opinions. I know. Especially since a big part of me thinks that in my particular case, this wedding is actually about other people, too, and our community. But that is just me.

To help get the mojo back, and for many ideas on how to get people to accept your decisions (if you want them to - Gypsy is right, you don't have to have them do so), I recommend A Practical Wedding (the book and the blog - http://www.apracticawedding.com) - and http://www.OffbeatBride.com. They have been incredibly helpful for me.

edited to make my links linkey.