How to convince FI in upgrade matters?

[Gleam]

And I wonder why so many posters in this thread are calling the OP''s e-ring a "gift" when she had to pay for half of it herself?

 

[kenny]

Date: 10/30/2009 4:14:11 AM
Author: outatouch0
My better judgment would tell me not to even touch this.... unfortunaley my betterjudgement is asleep at this hour.


How big of a diamond have you purchased for HIM? How much is HE worth?

OUCH!

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 11/2/2009 9:36:54 PM
Author: Gleam
And I wonder why so many posters in this thread are calling the OP''s e-ring a ''gift'' when she had to pay for half of it herself?

I agree. She picked out and designed the ring herself. She paid for half of it. How is this ring a gift from him? The only sentimental aspect I see from this is the fact that he proposed with this ring. But he didn''t pick it out himself.

Anyway, she should be able to upgrade if she''s not happy with it.

The question is, is this the best time to push the issue? Probably not.

She should give it some time before she brings it up again.

 

[Circe]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:56:41 AM
Author: nellen
There are some misunderstandings due to cultural and language differences.


Circe, I’m from Finland, not Australia (I''d wish to live there though). Here my 0.4 carat diamond is considered quite big because the usual diamond sizes here are considerably less, about 0.2 to 0.1 or even under.


lucyandroger was right about the language difference: when I meant I would finance the diamond by myself I meant that I would save from my own earnings the amount that would be needed for the new diamond. I would not take out a loan (I already have a student loan I’m paying and a loan for our home we''re paying) or pay it with a credit (I doubt I would even get a CC with a credit of thousands and thousands).



Bliss, the budget was tight because my FI gave me a budget for the ring. He could have afforded a more expensive e-ring, he just chose not to invest too much (in his mind) into the ring. He thought the amount he spent on the ring was sufficient. He has a steady job which pays quite well while I have quite a small salary. But still I managed to save some of my earnings so I could also pay for our e-rings.


Compared to the States, here in Finland picking out engagement rings is a bit different: the man usually does not have a ring ready when proposing and the couple goes ring shopping together. I had my e-ring made abroad: I picked out the stone, the setting, the ring profile, the colored diamonds, everything. My FI did not have anything to do with the ring or the design, except he gave me money for it. So there is no sentimental value to the ring that way: he did not pick out the stone or the setting or the material just me in mind, I did. My FI picked an engagement ring for himself: a simple WG band with a matt finish. We paid that ring together too, just like the e-ring. I paid half, my FI the other half.


I don’t intend to trade the diamond from the e-ring for the new diamond, I was planning on keeping the uncertified old diamond and making it into RHR. Again, I was planning on paying for that too. I doubt it very much that I would be getting anniversary presents in any form of expensive jewelry so I would have to make my jewelry acquisitions myself. My FI has been very clear about the fact he will not be buying me any costly jewelry and in his mind jewelry above 50 € (about $75) is expensive. So I’m quite sure there will be no upgrades or RHRs or necklaces or colored stones unless I will buy them myself.

Ah, Finland! Okay, now that makes more sense to me - my apologies for misremembering.

My husband''s from Sweden, where the traditions are very similar, so I know where you''re coming from. Whenever we go over to his neck of the woods, my ring is considered a ROCK and friends and relatives crowd ''round to stare at it in relative incomprehension (Swedes aren''t a showy people for the most part, for anyone reading from a different cultural background - more money is spent on travel than bling by a factor of, like, a 1000). But for a NY Jew, a la moi? My ring is completely normal - prettier than most to my mind (

), but not something to turn heads.

When we got engaged, I actually proposed to him, and offered to get him a ring: he preferred to get one for me, and we had to go back and forth on what we''d do to honor both perspectives. We settled on my getting the e-ring that was normal to me since, a) I''m the one wearing it, and b) we live in America, so it''d be a little counterintuitive to fight the tide. BUT, that said, he initially had REALLY strong feelings about our wedding rings: he REALLY did not want to wear any of the decorative antique-y bands I liked, and he sort of figured that since my e-ring was blingy, my wedding band should be minimalist.

Dude, look where I hang out: minimalism is not my forte.

So, we *sort of* compromised, in that we realized we were both strong personalities and that being married wouldn''t change that: we''d just accommodate and celebrate our differences. He got a wedding band based on the ring I designed for his engagement band: I got an etoile band instead of the eternity I''d been angling for (which has turned out to be a good decision, btw - I LOVE having a band I don''t have to baby). BUT - we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and my stacking band addiction has grown by one with his anniversary present.

I think the suggestion that a lot of people have made, that since you''re basically saving money for this yourself, that you think of this as a RHR is a wise one. The thing that stands out to me is that you say you love jewelry and he''s not having with that. That ... seems like it might be worth some discussion. I can see the sentimentality of an e-ring, in the abstract, sort of, but if he''s just saying that his way is correct, forget what you enjoy, I sort of have to take issue with that ....

Damn, that got long! Sorry, I''m avoiding accounting.

 

[Sam82]

Well, he still paid half. And she should not have gone along with a ring she didn''t want in the first place. Sorry, just keeping it real.

Also, many married people buy gifts for each other with shared money . What''s the big deal?

 

[motownmama]

I just went back and looked at your ring from a previous post - I LOVE your ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What ever happened to a blingy wb to go with?

 

[nellen]

Date: 11/2/2009 11:25:58 PM
Author: motownmama
I just went back and looked at your ring from a previous post - I LOVE your ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What ever happened to a blingy wb to go with?

Thank you for the compliment, motownmama. I do love my ring a lot and even my uncertified diamond: it does sparkle quite nicely. A wedding ring is on the works, a jewelrer has already made some general drawings and is going to do specific drawings next year. Maybe the wedding ring will satisfy my thirst for an upgrade, we''ll see when it comes together better next year.

Circe, you''re definately right about the fact that Sweden and Finland have very similar traditions when it comes to engagement and of course many other things in life. And I can well imagine that your ring attracts a lot of attention in Sweden. Your diamond looks like a rock to me, too

. I''m glad to hear that the cultural differences between Sweden and US did not come betwen you two in the engagement and wedding ring matter since the traditions could not be any different from each other.

Maybe my angling for bigger stone is due the fact that I''m quite sure I will not be getting any valuable jewelry from my husband-to-be. The e-ring and wedding ring might just be the only jewelry with diamonds in them. In addition, I don''t even know when I will afford to upgrade: it might take years for me to save the necessary bucks needed for it depending on my work situation, travel plans, and etc. So I''m in no hurry with the new diamond and maybe during the time it takes for me to save up money, my FI will come around just a bit.

 

[outatouch0]

Date: 11/2/2009 9:43:14 PM
Author: kenny

Date: 10/30/2009 4:14:11 AM
Author: outatouch0
My better judgment would tell me not to even touch this.... unfortunaley my betterjudgement is asleep at this hour.


How big of a diamond have you purchased for HIM? How much is HE worth?

OUCH!

Yea, I appligize - I just couldn''t stop myself at that point and time.

After further input from the OP, much to my delight, the situaltion is much better and she can be seen in a much more favorable light.

Off to eat some crow

 

[boots7]

Wow, what a tough crowd. All I can say is that if you financed half the ring yourself I don''t see why everyone is giving you such a hard time about an upgrade. I don''t know any women that have ever done that. I don''t know your trade in policy but hopefully you would be okay. I can just imagine how happy you would be if he bought the ring 100% on his own.

I don''t know how big the ring is or what you want to upgrade to as well as the money you make and do you have any debt so these are all factors involved as well so it is not always that simple plus are you demanding in everything.

The ring is something you are going to wear for the rest of your life so you better like it.

I am not a sentimental guy so I am not all about a stone. So, if someone where to have their ring stolen and need to get a replacement does the guy act any differently... is the love lost

 

[lulu]

Nellen, on another issue entirely, can you tell me about your avatar? Is that a real animal? If so, I want one.

And so I can''t be accused of being off topic, I would drop the upgrade thing for now.

 

[nellen]

Date: 11/5/2009 10:28:11 PM
Author: lulu
Nellen, on another issue entirely, can you tell me about your avatar? Is that a real animal? If so, I want one.

And so I can''t be accused of being off topic, I would drop the upgrade thing for now.

My avatar animal is indeed a real animal, it''s a fennec fox. There are breeders that raise fennec foxes but they are not the most typical of pets. They are very cute looking creatures and they remind me of our dog who shares, in addition to very large and mobile ears, some other characteristics with the fennec foxes.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Date: 11/2/2009 9:36:54 PM
Author: Gleam
And I wonder why so many posters in this thread are calling the OP's e-ring a 'gift' when she had to pay for half of it herself?

Ditto although it sounds like paying half is a custom in Finland.

ETA: You say that you won't be getting any other jewelry from your F...but you don't know what the future holds. Maybe he will say here's X amount of money for your Birthday and then you could buy some jewelry with that. Sure you know HE won't go to the store and pick something out by himself, but since you have specific tastes that's OK

Anyway I'm glad that it's sorting itself out. It takes time to save for an upgrade with life getting in the way. So by then he may be more open to an upgrade.