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How to convince FI in upgrade matters?

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nellen

nellen

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2009
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I have had my engagement ring for about 8 months now and I''m already thinking and planning an upgrade. My DF is not happy about my plan, it somehow hurts him if I will change the current diamond for a bigger one. He says it will not be the original e-ring and this upsets him. I see his point but I don''t share his opinion.

I decided that after the wedding next July I will start to save up for buying a bigger diamond for the ring. The plan is not to change the ring but if the setting needs to be changed somehow because of the bigger diamond, it won''t be a big deal, well at least to me it won''t. My DF doesn''t see it that way although essentially it will be the same ring: same shank but different diamond.

I have financed a half of the e-ring and still I did not receive the diamond size or quality I would have wanted. I had to settle for the ring we could get with the tight budget we had. I''m planning on financing the new diamond all by myself since my DF thinks it is very silly to invest thousands of dollars to diamonds. I don''t think he should have a saying in all of this because he is not paying for the diamond, I am! And he certainly shouldn''t be upset because I want to upgrade. In fact, I think I should be upset because he doesn''t think I''m worth the extra bucks the new diamond going to cost. It did hurt me a bit that he didn''t want to invest more on my e-ring when we had it made.

But I still don''t want to hurt the love of my life with anything. But I still want the upgrade. How on earth will I convince him that the upgrade is not going to be a bad thing or that it will be the same ring and same emotions attached to it? And the ring will still symbolise our engagement although it has been changed just a little? How to convince my DF that the upgrade is a good thing, not a bad thing that I want to do just to hurt him?
 
Date: 10/30/2009 2:46:23 AM
Author:nellen
I have had my engagement ring for about 8 months now and I'm already thinking and planning an upgrade. My DF is not happy about my plan, it somehow hurts him if I will change the current diamond for a bigger one. He says it will not be the original e-ring and this upsets him. I see his point but I don't share his opinion.

I decided that after the wedding next July I will start to save up for buying a bigger diamond for the ring. The plan is not to change the ring but if the setting needs to be changed somehow because of the bigger diamond, it won't be a big deal, well at least to me it won't. My DF doesn't see it that way although essentially it will be the same ring: same shank but different diamond.

I have financed a half of the e-ring and still I did not receive the diamond size or quality I would have wanted. I had to settle for the ring we could get with the tight budget we had. I'm planning on financing the new diamond all by myself since my DF thinks it is very silly to invest thousands of dollars to diamonds. I don't think he should have a saying in all of this because he is not paying for the diamond, I am! And he certainly shouldn't be upset because I want to upgrade. In fact, I think I should be upset because he doesn't think I'm worth the extra bucks the new diamond going to cost. It did hurt me a bit that he didn't want to invest more on my e-ring when we had it made.

But I still don't want to hurt the love of my life with anything. But I still want the upgrade. How on earth will I convince him that the upgrade is not going to be a bad thing or that it will be the same ring and same emotions attached to it? And the ring will still symbolise our engagement although it has been changed just a little? How to convince my DF that the upgrade is a good thing, not a bad thing that I want to do just to hurt him?
Click to expand...
your DF is correct...diamonds are not good investments. sooo, how much do you think you are worth? how much did this ring cost?
 
Ya, some guys are sentimental in those things.
 
My better judgment would tell me not to even touch this.... unfortunaley my betterjudgement is asleep at this hour.

How big of a diamond have you purchased for HIM? How much is HE worth?
 
Not to make light of this predicament, but I'm single and buying my own diamonds, and I still haven't convinced myself to get the size and quality of diamond I really wanted. Real life keeps getting in the way.
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Nellen, if the two of you together had a tight budget for the e-ring in the first place, it doesn't sound like that situation will instantly change just because you marry. It might be best to put the upgrade on the back burner for a while, and focus on more long-term financial goals. On the other hand, if you're not planning to start a family, you could get a second job and throw the proceeds from it specifically toward the upgrade. But it's none of my business. There are good sims, yanno. But can't talk about 'em here. ;-)
 
I just saw your post on the non-US thread, so that''s going to inform my answer a little ... you''re from Australia, right? And mentioned that bigger rings were unusual where you were? I''m going to guess that even if you''re at odds with the status quo, that''s informing your FIs reaction, so he might be more resistant than usual to the idea of upgrading. But even with that said ... are you guys married yet? Because, while I''m all in favor of ladies doing whatever they need in order to be happy, tradition be damned, planning an upgrade before the wedding makes me think there''s a *lot* of dissatisfaction there.

A lot of people upgrade on major anniversaries: that gives you (depending on when you plan to wed) at least a couple of years. In the meantime, try telling your FI that it isn''t a judgement on HIM that you want a bigger ring, just like he wasn''t trying to say that YOU were only worth X amount when he purchased the original. It''s not about your relationship: it''s about wanting a prettier piece of carbon. And see if time smooths the edges on that.

For one thing, it''ll give it time to sink in that once you''re married, it''s no longer a case of "him paying for the diamond," or "you paying for the diamond," but just ... paying for the diamond.
 
Date: 10/30/2009 2:46:23 AM
Author:nellen
I have had my engagement ring for about 8 months now and I'm already thinking and planning an upgrade. My DF is not happy about my plan, it somehow hurts him if I will change the current diamond for a bigger one. He says it will not be the original e-ring and this upsets him. I see his point but I don't share his opinion.

Don't "share" or dont "respect" his opinion?


I decided that after the wedding next July I will start to save up for buying a bigger diamond for the ring. The plan is not to change the ring but if the setting needs to be changed somehow because of the bigger diamond, it won't be a big deal, well at least to me it won't. My DF doesn't see it that way although essentially it will be the same ring: same shank but different diamond.

Again, you are dismissing his opinions/thoughts/feeelings.

I have financed a half of the e-ring and still I did not receive the diamond size or quality I would have wanted. I had to settle for the ring we could get with the tight budget we had. I'm planning on financing the new diamond all by myself since my DF thinks it is very silly to invest thousands of dollars to diamonds. I don't think he should have a saying in all of this because he is not paying for the diamond, I am! And he certainly shouldn't be upset because I want to upgrade. In fact, I think I should be upset because he doesn't think I'm worth the extra bucks the new diamond going to cost. It did hurt me a bit that he didn't want to invest more on my e-ring when we had it made.

Diamonds are not an investments. It is "silly" if one believes that they are.

Yet again, it is NOT about you, the money or how much "you are worth", it is about respecting HIS opnions/thoughts/feelings.


But I still don't want to hurt the love of my life with anything. But I still want the upgrade. How on earth will I convince him that the upgrade is not going to be a bad thing or that it will be the same ring and same emotions attached to it? And the ring will still symbolise our engagement although it has been changed just a little? How to convince my DF that the upgrade is a good thing, not a bad thing that I want to do just to hurt him?
At last, the mention of respecting his feelings. Not sure if you can/will or should "convince" him that an upgrade is a sound decision. Your life together is going to be filled with MANY MANY MANY decisions that you will have to make together. These decisions should be shared and agreed upon by both of you.

From what you posted, your FH seems to be sensitive and sentimental. The engagment ring is a gift and symbol of his love, loyalty and commitment to you. IMO, you are being selfish in "devising" this upgrade plan and completely disregarding his feelings.

If you desire a bigger and better diamond then by all means, purchase one for yourself BUT wear it as a RHR.
 
Here's my $0.02 worth and it'd just my opinion.... if your DF feels that stongly about you not upgrading then I'd let it go for now. You may really hurt his feelings if he believes that the original ring isn't good enough i.e in his mind HE isn't good enough to buy you what you want

I changed my original ering setting from a split-shank to a solitaire - my FI wasn't thrilled to begin with but now he loves how it looks. Having said that, I wouldn't have changed it if he was as against the idea as your DF sounds

The bottom line is that you and your partner need to be on the 'same page' when it comes to finances especially once you're married
 
Well, I have to give you credit for not hiding your materialistic values prior to marriage. He won''t be able to say he didn''t know who he was marrying.
 
Could there be some unhappyness there? For me personally I went through a horrible constant upgrade pattern while hubby and I were on the rocks and used the diamond size as an "if you love me this much" ploy. Finally when I did settle on something (something he picked out) it was a tension with a bridge style ring set by somebody who overheated the gold and caused damage to the setting. I loved the idea, simple clean lines, but couldn''t stand the shoddy workmanship and finally came to rest on my forever ring
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. I think you may need a bit of time to reflect upon your relationship and expectations. I can also see how the diamond purchase could have hurt your feelings. If you had tried to tell him what you wanted and he bought something else then I''m guessing that you''re feeling a bit rejected and hurt by it. On the other hand, he could very well have not understood what you were asking for. Good luck and I hope you both get what you''re wanting
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I have to agree with the suggestion of letting this one go; an "upgrade" should not be more important than your partner's feelings. What about putting the upgrade money into a right hand ring, maybe a large gem with a halo so you can have some *size* when you'd like it?
 
There are men who think of the engagement ring as a piece of fine jewelry without a lot of emotion and sentimentality attached to it.

And there are men who think of the engagement ring as an extension of themselves and attach a lot of emotion and sentimentality to the ring.

Sounds like you have chosen to marry a man who attaches a lot of meaning and sentiment to the ring. If you are a person who does not attach a lot of sentiment to a piece of jewelry, you may need to compromise on this ring and respect his feelings. And put your efforts into a right hand ring.
 
I have to go with EBree on this one. You're going to trounce upon his feelings by upgrading your engagement ring, a gift given to you with love, and specifically with you in mind? Just because you feel entitled to it? In the grand scheme of things, the size doesn't matter, especially if he put his all into the design/research, etc. Overall, men hate to feel that they can't make their partner happy, and you've made it very clear that he has failed you in this one major instance.

My husband's budget wasn't enough to reach a full carat (which was kind of the ideal for me until I started researching on PS
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). Even though I am absolutely in love with my ring, and would have appreciated a larger Asscher at the time, I bought HIM an engagement gift when he would have easily allowed me to apply the same funds to a much bigger diamond. We both had jobs that paid around the same amount, and I wanted him to have something that celebrated our love too, because in this day and age of successful women, engagement really shouldn't have to be a one-way street anymore, IMO.

To satisfy my inner size queen, I have bought some halo'ed gemstone rings, and man, does that make me love my engagement ring all the more.
 
I''m just echoing all of the others here.

Let it go. Respect him. The ring is sentimental to him.

I''m all about women buying their own diamonds, but your marriage is more important. Keep talking with him--explore other options such as getting a diamond RHR for your 5-year anniversary or take LTP''s advice and focus on gemstone rings in the interim. Come to an agreement where you are both happy. If you undermine him and finance a ring to replace your e-ring when he''s 100% against it all you''ll do is reiterate that your husband is priority #2 after a ring.
 
If a bigger diamond is so important to you, and your engagement ring is so important to him, and you plan on financing the upgrade yourself anyway, why don''t you just save up and buy yourself a whole different ring?

I also upgraded my ring before I was married, but my husband and I were engaged for a very long time and I had his blessings in the upgrade. I now have my forever engagement ring that I would only change if something was damaged. I have however bought other rings on my own and received them as gifts that I either wear as alternating engagement rings or as right hand rings.

Think about it. If I were you I would take my husband''s feelings as more important and just buy an RHR to satisfy my craving.
 
I would drop it. While it is your engagement ring and you should be happy, it''s just a ring. And financing a ring is a really bad idea. Not only are you adding debt but doing it against your DF''s wishes.
 
I don't really see anything wrong with upgrading, especially if you're financing it yourself. At the same time, I also think it's important to respect his wishes, since he bought the ring for you in the first place. Also, you're talking about upgrading really early, since you're not even married yet. Can you reach a middle ground...maybe save for a few more years than you planned, so you can afford a completely new stone, and place the old one in a pendant? It sounds like your FI is upset because you'd be getting rid of the one he picked out for you, and this way you could keep it close to your heart - literally and figuratively. Or consider a reset rather than upgrade. Maybe you could put your stone in a halo if it's currently a solitaire, which would make it appear bigger even though it's the same stone.

I personally don't have any sentimental attachment to a particular stone just because it's my engagement ring stone - I'd be happy to trade it in for a bigger or whiter one if I could afford it at some point down the line. But my husband is against upgrading because of the sentimental value of the stone we picked out together. Before we got married, I made the mistake of mentioning to him that I'd like to upgrade size and color somewhere down the line. Since it's a stone we picked out together, not a surprise engagement ring, and since we bought it from a place with a great upgrade policy, I didn't think he'd mind. He didn't seem to understand that I was talking about *later*, not *now*, and he got very upset, which sounds like how your guy reacted.

Finally, remember that an engagement ring is a gift, not a statement of how much someone is worth (the giver or the receiver). Saying that a person is "worth" a particular size of diamond doesn't go over well with anyone, so use caution when you want to use that argument!
 
Yikes...

I have to agree with others, this seems like a bad idea - forcing an upgrade.

This was a gift to you as a symbol of his commitment and love...and probably a pretty big darn deal for him to pick out, purchase and give to you.

And if he is feeling hurt by you wanting to get rid of it for a bigger better version, ouch, leave it alone!

Different settings can make a stone look larger, or just do as some have suggested, buy a completely different ring to wear on your other hand.
 
Perhaps the best thing to do in this case is to save up for a large diamond rhr instead and leave your ering as is. If my DH felt as strongly as your DF about an ering, I''d certainly respect his wishes.

Don''t equate his love for you with how big/expensive your ering is. That''s a very slippery slope.
 
Date: 10/30/2009 11:27:27 AM
Author: Asscherhalo_lover
If a bigger diamond is so important to you, and your engagement ring is so important to him, and you plan on financing the upgrade yourself anyway, why don't you just save up and buy yourself a whole different ring? ...
Click to expand...

Buying herself another ring may not go over well, either. About a year after our engagement, I lucked into a great deal on an OEC diamond and bought it on the spot w/o consulting my FI. I didn't think I had to. We were not married, and it really was *my* money from selling items I'd owned before I even met him. That didn't matter to him. He reacted angrily when he saw I'd bought a diamond that was bigger than his, and for less money.
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My e-ring was 3/4 ct, and the OEC has about a modern 1ct diameter. If the two were side by side, the OEC obviously looked bigger than the e-ring.
 
I have to agree that forcing an upgrade is not very wise to do. It sounds like it would break your fiance''s heart if you did this. I agree that getting yourself a RHR or a pendant would be a much better idea.

I have to ask, why do you feel the need to have an upgrade? I would love to know the stats of your diamond, because right now it seems like the green eyed monster is speaking more than anything else. Diamonds are nice, but they aren''t everything in the world. 8 months is hardly long enough to demand such an upgrade in my opinion.

What is more important to you though? Is it your future husband or the material things? Right now your post sounds more like you care about material things and not the man who loves you.
 
Awwww, I can sense your frustration about this. Sounds awful. But I really think that you should keep the engagement ring he gave you if he is feeling so strongly about it. Can you maybe save for a RHR with a bigger diamond down the road? Or satisfy your craving with other sparklies - earrings, bracelet, necklace...

May I ask why there was such a tight budget? Was it because of finances (what he could afford) or because he didn''t want to spend as much on your e-ring just because? That would make a difference, in my opinion. If it''s because he had the money and didn''t want to spend more than a certain amount because he thought diamonds are silly, then I would give it time. LaraOnline comes to mind! She talked to her husband until he saw how important it was to her and she got her dream ring in the end.

If the budget was tight because he honestly couldn''t afford more, then I would stick with the ring he gave you and love the heck out of it. It''s the best he could do for you and it came from the heart. In that case, I would not change it and save for a RHR down the road. Hope that helps!
 
I would drop the upgrade idea for now, especially if money is tight. It just isn''t worth making a big issue out of it. Marriage is all about compromise. If all goes well, eventually you will have more money, and things won''t be so tight, and you can raise the idea again. Sometimes we can''t get everything we want, right when we want it.
 
I think there may be confusion b/c of language differences. When you say you are "financing" the ring do you mean "paying for" or "taking out a loan"?

If you can afford to buy yourself another ring, then my suggestion is to just buy yourself a RHR. The engagement ring has sentimental value to your FI and that should matter to you. We don't measure people's worth in diamonds. If you want a pretty rock because you like it, just say so. There's no reason to claim you deserve it or are worth it.

If you really are financing it in the sense that you are putting it on a credit card or taking out a loan, then that is NOT a good idea!!!
 
I know this is a touchy topic, and I have to admit I do agree that it is not worth hurting your fiance and possibly doing damage to a relationship over the size of the diamond. I can totally understand wanting a bigger center stone especially if you and/or he can afford it. What if you kept the stone and added a diamond halo to the setting. This can really impact how "big" a stone looks. Maybe he would be more likely to warm up to that idea? It does seem like possible compromise.
 
Date: 10/30/2009 2:46:23 AM
Author:nellen
I have had my engagement ring for about 8 months now and I'm already thinking and planning an upgrade. My DF is not happy about my plan, it somehow hurts him if I will change the current diamond for a bigger one. He says it will not be the original e-ring and this upsets him. I see his point but I don't share his opinion.

I decided that after the wedding next July I will start to save up for buying a bigger diamond for the ring. The plan is not to change the ring but if the setting needs to be changed somehow because of the bigger diamond, it won't be a big deal, well at least to me it won't. My DF doesn't see it that way although essentially it will be the same ring: same shank but different diamond.

I have financed a half of the e-ring and still I did not receive the diamond size or quality I would have wanted. I had to settle for the ring we could get with the tight budget we had. I'm planning on financing the new diamond all by myself since my DF thinks it is very silly to invest thousands of dollars to diamonds. I don't think he should have a saying in all of this because he is not paying for the diamond, I am! And he certainly shouldn't be upset because I want to upgrade. In fact, I think I should be upset because he doesn't think I'm worth the extra bucks the new diamond going to cost. It did hurt me a bit that he didn't want to invest more on my e-ring when we had it made.

But I still don't want to hurt the love of my life with anything. But I still want the upgrade. How on earth will I convince him that the upgrade is not going to be a bad thing or that it will be the same ring and same emotions attached to it? And the ring will still symbolise our engagement although it has been changed just a little? How to convince my DF that the upgrade is a good thing, not a bad thing that I want to do just to hurt him?
Click to expand...
Touchy post. I really ought not go near this, but I can't help myself...

Long answer short: you don't. He either feels like this or he doesnt. That opinion can change, but at this point in time, he feels how he feels, and to have you throw that back in his face by giving him the "I'm right you're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it" routine certainly won't help.

I have zero problem with people upgrading, provided they have the means for it and both parties are happy and excited about it. Your FI has the right idea when he says that diamonds are a bad investment: take a look at Craigslist or go to your local jeweller to find out just how much your current pieces will go for, compared to what you paid for them. Financing a ring without the intent of building credit (ie. you have more than enough cash and you don't need the financing at all, but you decided to pay it monthly to help your rating) is a dreadful idea, and a dreadful way to start a marriage. What happens if you stop being able to pay those monthly bills? Do you want to start your marriage paying for a piece of jewellery, however sentimental, when you now need to be saving for a house/children/whatever at the same time? And most importantly here, do you want your then-husband to feel miserable every time he looks at your hand?

Forget financing a diamond. Save your money, put it into a gorgeous RHR or an eternity that will give you the size you want, and tell your FI your plans - you might find that he's happy to indulge you in something that doesn't involve destroying what he sees as an important sentimental symbol. Some men are sentimental about these things, and that's neither right nor wrong, it just is and you're going to have to work around that without bulldozing your way through.

Good luck to you both.
 
There are some misunderstandings due to cultural and language differences.

Circe, I’m from Finland, not Australia (I''d wish to live there though). Here my 0.4 carat diamond is considered quite big because the usual diamond sizes here are considerably less, about 0.2 to 0.1 or even under.

lucyandroger was right about the language difference: when I meant I would finance the diamond by myself I meant that I would save from my own earnings the amount that would be needed for the new diamond. I would not take out a loan (I already have a student loan I’m paying and a loan for our home we''re paying) or pay it with a credit (I doubt I would even get a CC with a credit of thousands and thousands).

Bliss, the budget was tight because my FI gave me a budget for the ring. He could have afforded a more expensive e-ring, he just chose not to invest too much (in his mind) into the ring. He thought the amount he spent on the ring was sufficient. He has a steady job which pays quite well while I have quite a small salary. But still I managed to save some of my earnings so I could also pay for our e-rings.

Compared to the States, here in Finland picking out engagement rings is a bit different: the man usually does not have a ring ready when proposing and the couple goes ring shopping together. I had my e-ring made abroad: I picked out the stone, the setting, the ring profile, the colored diamonds, everything. My FI did not have anything to do with the ring or the design, except he gave me money for it. So there is no sentimental value to the ring that way: he did not pick out the stone or the setting or the material just me in mind, I did. My FI picked an engagement ring for himself: a simple WG band with a matt finish. We paid that ring together too, just like the e-ring. I paid half, my FI the other half.

I don’t intend to trade the diamond from the e-ring for the new diamond, I was planning on keeping the uncertified old diamond and making it into RHR. Again, I was planning on paying for that too. I doubt it very much that I would be getting anniversary presents in any form of expensive jewelry so I would have to make my jewelry acquisitions myself. My FI has been very clear about the fact he will not be buying me any costly jewelry and in his mind jewelry above 50 € (about $75) is expensive. So I’m quite sure there will be no upgrades or RHRs or necklaces or colored stones unless I will buy them myself.
 
To me it sounds like your opportunity or bargain with him for a larger diamond may have passed and your best chance would have been during the design phase.

I can understand why he might be upset. After-all you had free reign to design the ring how you liked (within a budget) and don't seem happy with the outcome. Perhaps he is concerned that an upgrade won't really make you happy either. He may also feel that it is a luxury that you can't afford given you are paying off student loans and a home loan. He may also not buy into 'upgrading' as part of the engagement custom (I knew I had never heard of it before coming here) and attach sentimental value to the ring you bought together for your engagement.

At the end of the day a bigger ring is a nice thing to have but it also is a ring that signifies the love and respect that your FI and you share for each other. You know your FI doesn't like spending a lot of money on jewelry and that he is sentimental about the 'original' e-ring. My advice is to pick your battles wisely but at the end of the day you know your FI better than we do so maybe he can be convinced.
 
An engagement ring is a gift. Basically, you are rejecting his gift. Not a good situation in my opinion.

I would get a really blingy wedding band if I were you. You can get something that is a stand alone ring and wear the e-ring on your right hand when the mood strikes you. In the future (like on a significant anniversary) you can cdecide that you want to get a new e-ring or set. Then you can talk about it with your then husband.
 
If you had to finance half of your own e-ring, I would think you more than have a say in whether you upgrade or not.

I will never understand the sentimental attachment to a diamond. I just do not invest that kind of emotion into material things (I know they're supposed to symbolize love, but I just don't consider things this way) and neither does my fiance.

The symbolism of being engaged and committed doesn't change with a new stone.

BUT -- do not finance the new ring or go into debt for it. Not worth it.
 
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