How to be patient?

[lilylover]

Hello, all! This is my first post in LIW. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (or will be, this Feb) and definitely know that we will marry each other. I''ve told him that I want to get married the summer after I graduate college. I graduate Dec. 09. We''ve discussed who we''ll have as our attendants, where we''d ideally like to honeymoon, but that''s about it! He''s extremely secretive and thinks that talking too much about the wedding/engagement will take a way the surprise/romance.

Here''s the thing. I''m going nuts. My two closest friends are enganged and going about the wedding planning. My mother and sister are speculating to me constantly on when they *think* BF will propose. They''re even planning my wedding already, talking about what venues would be good and where to find great deals on photographers, the reception, etc. Bf is even formally invited to our family vacation set this coming summer.

All of this, and I can''t say anything to BF. I casually showed him the WhiteFlash website a few weeks ago, and he was like, "Okay you can show me but DON''T show me any specific rings!"

He wants it to be completely his doing, but I want to have SOME idea as to when it''ll happen, mainly to ease my mind and to make sure that my desire to have a summer 2010 wedding will happen. You need a year to plan a wedding! I feel like if I ask him I''ll be pressuring him and it''ll be a big put-off to him.

My two biggest concerns are
1) He won''t propose in time for us to have an early summer 2010 wedding.
2) Because he doesn''t want to look at rings together, he''ll pick out an ER that is not my style. He knows nothing about diamonds, as well.


I hope I''m not sounding b*tchy, because that is not my intention at ALL. I figured if I had any chance at venting with someone who would understand, this would be the place to do it!

Thanks, girls!

 

[trillionaire]

If you are comfortable explaining to him your anxiousness, then by all means do so. Otherwise, you are with the man you love, he loves you too, and plans to marry you. If the ring is not perfect, and the date is not perfect, that doesn''t mean you won''t have a perfect marriage. Relationships and marriage are about compromise, and if he feels that he needs to surprise you, then you should probably let him. Everything will work out just fine! As far as rings, you could always leave him a folder with several styles that you like, and a note saying that you won''t ask or say anything more about rings, but you did want him to have an idea of your tastes. For example, I want a trillion ring, and any other shape would likely disappoint me. It was important for me to communicate this, because it is an unusual shape! I think we get so caught up in our own excitement sometimes that we forget to let them be excited about their part. Just keep posting on PS and leave that man be!!!

 

[kittybean]

I had the exact same concerns a year ago! Here is what worked for me:

1) Tell him about your wedding aspirations. Ask him, "Do you want a summer 2010 wedding too?" Let him know what it takes to plan a wedding. Communicate your thoughts and anxiousness to him in a calm, loving, and rational way (no crying!). I don''t think that bringing up these details will be off-putting; they are things he needs to know, and if you phrase them in a question to him about his preferences, I think it might jump-start his thought process without looking pushy on your part.

2) About the ring: if you feel comfortable with it, ask him what he would be okay with knowing from you. If not, I think it is okay to flat out tell him very general things like, "I like emerald cuts and white metal" (that''s what I told my now-FI), or to point out things you like in jewelry store windows. I would also try and steer him toward PS vendors, telling him that that is where he will get the most for the money.

Feel him out and see how much more input he might want--after he starts the process, he might feel overwhelmed and want more help from you, or he might just take the reins himself. See if he might want you to put together some sort of inspiration folder or other guidelines. Do all of this as rationally as you can. You don''t have to be a robot, but sometimes it is hard for the SO to get the important things you''re saying if you''re an emotional mess, KWIM?

Let him surprise you if he wants to. My FI still gets a charge out of having picked out the ring himself and surprised me. Confession: I accidentally saw what the ring was going to look like shortly before the proposal, and I thought I was going to hate it. I had had my heart set on a halo, and the ring had no halo and side stones I thought I wouldn''t like. I waited to say anything until I had the ring on my hand, and guess what? It looked SO much better in person than online, and I totally fell in love with it because it was my engagement ring. Now, I love it much more than I ever loved halo rings (that was just puppy love ). Moral of the story: even if you aren''t part of the ring selection process, it will be worth it to let your SO surprise you. As my SO told me: the proposal is the one thing in this marriage process that he gets to do for me, all by himself, with his own money, to totally sweep me off my feet. I know this isn''t the case for every couple, but it was the case for us, and it was really important that I let him do that.

I hope that your proposal happens soon for you! In the meantime, keep yourself busy with school, friends, exercise, and hobbies, and the time will fly. Good luck!

 

[Steel]

Wow,

I commend your BF on wanting to to this himself. But I see your POV too.

Would he agree to buying the diamond only and proposing with that in a temp setting (max $250 standard plain setting)? About the dates, just tell him, if you have not already that you really want a summer '10 wedding and see if he wants that too or not. All you need is a yes or no, with no pressure about the proposal.

 

[caribqueen]

I think that as hard as it may be, the best thing I can tell you as someone in kind of the same boat, is to let go of your control-freakism. We women are planners at heart and so that''s easier said that done. I too, had planned for a dream-fall wedding and I even told my boyfriend. He seemed to be on board, but life happen. Even when we had gone and picked out a ring, he then had to focus on a medical issue that delayed us. Then he was about to be laid off from work and that had us in limbo. Thankfully, that didn''t happen and he ended up moving into a different position and taking on some other goals.

And to give you an example of how things always work out in the end; originally we picked out a white gold setting, but because we''ve waited, we recently found a platinum setting similar to the white gold for half the amount of money (if you can believe that). As cliche as it may sound, I''m one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. Sometimes waiting and patience is a good thing. So, now because of "life" we will probably get married Summer 2010, instead of fall 2009. I''m okay with that, and it''ll probably be better since he soon wants to go to graduate school, which would''ve clashed with a fall wedding.

As for the ring, guys want to get it right, period. I''ve heard that from several of my male co-workers. My BF initially didn''t like me talking about rings and didn''t want me to have anything to do with it. But he thought about the kind of girlfriend he has and one day he said, "I want you to love it!" As time went on, he mellowed and WANTED me to be a part of the choice. You guys might not go as far as we did as shopping together, but here''s my advice for that: you could do some Internet searches and find articles that talk about how more and more couples are choosing together, and show them to him. If you don''t want to do that, or in addition, you could go to those websites where you design your own ring, make a few and just email them to him and say nothing. You know your boyfriend better than anyone else. For me personally, it just would not have worked to not have a say, seeing as how I will be wearing it. And I ended up with a guy who understands that and agrees. Everyone''s different. My last piece of advice is no matter what happens or how frustrated he may get, don''t go there with him and let it turn into an argument. He just needs to understand that it''s important for you to share what you like. Some women don''t care, but if you do, this could be your first big test to compromise and find middle-ground on this. You are the one who will wear it.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

aww Welcome to LIW is all I can say! You're two reasons are brought up often and I'm sure you'll find comfort in the responses and people's posts. SO and I also want to get married the summer after I graduate which is 2010. We've already started planning because I've spoken with him and he realizes that the more time I have to plan while I'm in school (since I'm doing it on my own) the easier it'll be on me. But everyone's situation is different and you have to remember that. I feel like your mom and sister would be the first people SO goes to if he wants to ask someone about rings or ring help. Do they know your tastes? Your likes and dislikes? I'm sure they do and you dont have to worry about your ring. If your SO is so confident about it, there must be a good reason he is. And because you have such good support from your Mom and sister with planning I dont think it'll be too stressful for you to plan a wedding if he proposes anytime between now and next fall. I hope that makes you feel a little better! Again, welcome!

 

[lilylover]

Thank you for everyone''s kind words and support. It definitely helps talking to those who understand!

BF and I talked a little bit about it tonight. It started out with him commenting on how he wants to do an engine swap on his car. I asked him how much it''d cost total, and the dollar amount is near the amount that he''d probably spend on an E-Ring. I told him that if he did the work on his car before buying a ring that it''d hurt my feelings. He responded, "How do you know I don''t already have one?!" He was completely joking, as we both know that he indeed does not.

This led me to me asking if he''d be opposed to me showing him on the computer (not face to face, but through email) several different rings that I''d like. He told me that he would not like that, because ultimatley I''d end up getting one of the ones that I had showed him, and he doesn''t think that the ring procees should be me telling him what I want and then him doing it. He''s feels very strongly on this one, so I am going to leave it be. My sister has said from day one that she wants to help him out, and he agreed to that, so that gives me comfort.

I''m almost afraid to talk to him more about it, not really sure why. I guess I want to respect his wishes of being "secretive". I think I will not mention anything wedding related to him for a few weeks or even a month or so, and then ask him when HE would ideally like to get married.

Thanks again for everyone''s response!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Hey Lilylover!

Sounds like you have a good grasp of it and where your SO is at. That perspective is so important to combat LIWitis.
There was a period not too long ago when I fixated on little things SO would talk about buying (a weight set, vacation, a snowblower, household items that could be put on a gift registry), knowing that an e-ring and wedding require a good bit of saving. Despite being conscious of his love and intentions to get married, I admit feeling insignificant occasionally. Yet the whole process of buying a ring and making that commitment can be a very overwhelming process for a guy. I keep reminding myself that these are also important things that he feels he needs to have, so there isn''t a point in getting myself all worked up about them. He has a better grasp of what he needs and what his financial priorities are without my insulting him by making every little decision about me and our future.

My SO too desires to look at rings himself. It means a lot to some guys to know that they searched and found a ring just for their loved one without us handing it to them. It''s also that element of surprise. All he really wants to do is make his love happy and he wants it to be a complete gift. If your BF is anything like mine, he''ll try to find out your tastes when the time is right. He isn''t going to entertain the details about the style of ring you want until he''s ready to start looking/saving. When he''s ready, he might start asking questions about jewlery or making little hints here and there to see how you respond. So let him come to you when he''s ready. Chances are he''ll start looking sooner than you think (if you''ve already started talking about this stuff). Preferably don''t offer to show him a ring you like unprompted, because I think that might make some guys feel really inadequate- Seeing a ring on someone else''s finger may be surprising: 1) they feel guilty for not having proposed to you yet 2) they are afraid you won''t like the one they get you because it''s not exactly the same , 3) it might be out of their pricerange and they don''t want to seem "cheap"

Keep us posted and in the meantime you can show your sister the diamond tutorial on PS!