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How old is to old to have a baby ?

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Mrs.soontobealfonzo

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My fiance, and I are living together and are going to get married in 2 years. We will be 27 and 28 by then. He doesnt want children but understand that when I am ready he will give me one. The problem is I dont want any soon either. I wish I could wait till im 40, but I dont know if thats risky. I dont want to regret not doing it when I was younger and even risk not even being able to conceive at that age. I''m so scared of have a child, I see what my girlfriend go thur and I freak out.

any advice ?
 

merrijoy

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Joined
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Date: 2/22/2007 10:30:47 AM
Author:Mrs.soontobealfonzo
My fiance, and I are living together and are going to get married in 2 years. We will be 27 and 28 by then. He doesnt want children but understand that when I am ready he will give me one. The problem is I dont want any soon either. I wish I could wait till im 40, but I dont know if thats risky. I dont want to regret not doing it when I was younger and even risk not even being able to conceive at that age. I'm so scared of have a child, I see what my girlfriend go thur and I freak out.

any advice ?
You have many years yet. You will be 29/30 when you are married. Personally, I would at least wait one year to have a child. Women are having children later in life. You should have children when you are both ready to commit your time and love fully to a child. A child is not something you just give to someone. A child hopefully should be born into a home where the adults who will be there and caring for him want him. I am seeing first hand with a relative who is older and seems to have not wanted the child he just had. He is not taking care of the baby at all and it is very sad. It is up to his wife alone to take care of this innocent being. It is very hard on the mother to be alone in this. You should both be on the same page when it comes to having a family or it will create problems in your marriage.

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is the truth and a helpless child needs love and acceptance by both (if there are 2) parents.
 

KimberlyH

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My advice is to not have a child/children with a man who doesn''t want to be a father, no matter how old you are. Parenting is hard in the most ideal situation, it''s even more difficult when only one parent wants to play an active role in the child''s life. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Date: 2/22/2007 11:05:04 AM
Author: merrijoy

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is the truth and a helpless child needs love and acceptance by both (if there are 2) parents.
Being a parent is very difficult. You''re on call 24/7 and even when you''re not in the mood or tired, you still have to take care of their EVERY need. I''m VERY lucky both my kids were planned by both my DH and me, so that when one of us is needing a break, the other is fine with taking charge. My kids really need both of us.

And, I''m also not wanting to sound harsh, but it''s incredibly unfair to plan a marriage with a person who doesn''t want kids, yet will do so to make you happy. He truely loves YOU, but when you have a child, your DH needs to be there for BOTH of you so there is a balance in the household. The child shouldn''t feel like a third wheel!
 

merrijoy

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Date: 2/22/2007 12:36:49 PM
Author: MC

Date: 2/22/2007 11:05:04 AM
Author: merrijoy

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is the truth and a helpless child needs love and acceptance by both (if there are 2) parents.
Being a parent is very difficult. You''re on call 24/7 and even when you''re not in the mood or tired, you still have to take care of their EVERY need. I''m VERY lucky both my kids were planned by both my DH and me, so that when one of us is needing a break, the other is fine with taking charge. My kids really need both of us.

And, I''m also not wanting to sound harsh, but it''s incredibly unfair to plan a marriage with a person who doesn''t want kids, yet will do so to make you happy. He truely loves YOU, but when you have a child, your DH needs to be there for BOTH of you so there is a balance in the household. The child shouldn''t feel like a third wheel!
Honestly, in these circumstances I think what happens is that the child needs more attention than the husband and it causes the marriage to go downhill. The bond between husband and wife turns more into the bond between mother and child and the husband becomes third wheel.
 

decodelighted

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I have friends that are right now going through a seperation/possible divorce over this very issue, 10 years after the wedding.

She *thought* she''d "give him" a baby but when push came to, uh, labor -- didn''t really ever change her mind. Now she''s over 40, he''s late 30s ... and he''s realized he wants someone who WANTS kids, not someone who might have one to keep the relationship together.

Now this isn''t the *only* issue - but BY FAR the biggest one.

Also ... if you don''t think you have the "energy" for kids NOW, at *25* ... lemmie tell you you''ll probably have WAY WAY WAY *less* energy at 40 (I''m almost there). And then you''ll be scrambling to keep up with toddlers in your late 40s, grade schoolers in your 50s and teens in your 60s! Think THAT over!
 

MichelleCarmen

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Date: 2/22/2007 12:40:27 PM
Author: merrijoy

Honestly, in these circumstances I think what happens is that the child needs more attention than the husband and it causes the marriage to go downhill. The bond between husband and wife turns more into the bond between mother and child and the husband becomes third wheel.
Hmmm. . .I think it depends. I am an only child and was NOT planned! My parents had a strong bond and as a result I ended up feeling like the third wheel. (of course, there was a lot more too it, and I will not bring up all my childhood issues - lol - but can say from experience that it wasn''t all that ideal!)
 

Mara

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Date: 2/22/2007 10:30:47 AM
Author:Mrs.soontobealfonzo
My fiance, and I are living together and are going to get married in 2 years. We will be 27 and 28 by then. He doesnt want children but understand that when I am ready he will give me one. The problem is I dont want any soon either. I wish I could wait till im 40, but I dont know if thats risky. I dont want to regret not doing it when I was younger and even risk not even being able to conceive at that age. I''m so scared of have a child, I see what my girlfriend go thur and I freak out.

any advice ?
Okay so you are 25 now and worrying about when is TOO OLD to have a child? I just read about some woman who was like 65 who had a child, so I would imagine you have a fair amount of time left.


But honestly, if your husband to be doesn''t want a child, but is going to give you one to make you happy...that''s not right. If both parents don''t want to BE PARENTS...they flat out shouldn''t. You''d be bringing a life into the world, both of you have an immense responsibility to make sure that child is loved and wanted and cared for.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 2/22/2007 12:51:45 PM
Author: Mara

Okay so you are 25 now and worrying about when is TOO OLD to have a child? I just read about some woman who was like 65 who had a child, so I would imagine you have a fair amount of time left.


But honestly, if your husband to be doesn''t want a child, but is going to give you one to make you happy...that''s not right. If both parents don''t want to BE PARENTS...they flat out shouldn''t. You''d be bringing a life into the world, both of you have an immense responsibility to make sure that child is loved and wanted and cared for.
...not to mention DISCIPLINED - a very difficult one person job.
 

merrijoy

Shiny_Rock
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Date: 2/22/2007 12:49:45 PM
Author: MC

Date: 2/22/2007 12:40:27 PM
Author: merrijoy

Honestly, in these circumstances I think what happens is that the child needs more attention than the husband and it causes the marriage to go downhill. The bond between husband and wife turns more into the bond between mother and child and the husband becomes third wheel.
Hmmm. . .I think it depends. I am an only child and was NOT planned! My parents had a strong bond and as a result I ended up feeling like the third wheel. (of course, there was a lot more too it, and I will not bring up all my childhood issues - lol - but can say from experience that it wasn''t all that ideal!)
I think this particular circumstance is different though. In this case the woman wants the child and the man does not really want one.
 

mrssalvo

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you''ve got some time left on the biological clock but it does get harder the older you get. I had my first at 29, my second at 31 and it''s been hard but I love the age I am and they are. My hubby is 8 years older than me, he''ll be 42 next week and has a lot harder time recovering from the lack of sleep than he did when his older kids were born. they are 17 and 14 now. he was 24 and it''s just much easier in some ways when you''re young. I do admit to liking my age and job security/stabily we had when we decided to have our kids. I was able to quit work to be home full time which was important to me. I can tell you that if he told me he didn''t want kids, I would not have married him. having children was a huge part of what I wanted in life. And I agree it''s very important your FI wants one too b/c you''re going to need his help and need him to be 100% into it.
 

Mrs.soontobealfonzo

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You are all right but to be honest I can tell he will be a wonderful father. He is a great man and he just wants to have them late and can live without having any thats all. I know that the key to having a successful marriage is to have the same goals.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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You are doing yourself, your future husband and your unborn child/ren a grave diservice in convincing yourself that a man who has stated he doesn''t want kids is magically going to turn into superdad after you give birth. You clearly stated he does not want children but will "give you one" when you''re ready. My sympathies to your unborn child/ren.
 

WTNLVR

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Not to scare you, but I knew someone once whos hubby said the same thing. She got pregnant 5 yrs into the marraige. He said he was fine with it. Well, until she was 8 months pregnant and he realized what he was in for. He left her before she had the baby and refused to even see it after it was born. Now granted, he sounds like he is the scum of the earth, but you never know what the reality of a situation will make someone do. On the other hand, there is another couple where he said he would have them for her but they would be her responsibility. Of course, once they arrived, he was a fine father and involved dad. I guess it depends on if he really doesn''t want them or would just rather not right now. I think it''s something you should maybe see a counselor to discuss or your minister, etc... That may help to really figure out your mutual goals. Hubby and I did this and mutually decided not to have kids-ever. But it was a thought out process with pros and cons discussed, etc... Good luck.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 2/22/2007 2:37:22 PM
Author: WTNLVR
Not to scare you, but I knew someone once whos hubby said the same thing. She got pregnant 5 yrs into the marraige. He said he was fine with it. Well, until she was 8 months pregnant and he realized what he was in for. He left her before she had the baby and refused to even see it after it was born. Now granted, he sounds like he is the scum of the earth, but you never know what the reality of a situation will make someone do. On the other hand, there is another couple where he said he would have them for her but they would be her responsibility. Of course, once they arrived, he was a fine father and involved dad. I guess it depends on if he really doesn''t want them or would just rather not right now. I think it''s something you should maybe see a counselor to discuss or your minister, etc... That may help to really figure out your mutual goals. Hubby and I did this and mutually decided not to have kids-ever. But it was a thought out process with pros and cons discussed, etc... Good luck.
And I know someone who was adamant about not wanting to have kids. The woman did (they were not married, but in a defacto relationship in Australia). Ironically, while they were arguing about this, she was pregnant, which was amazing because she has biological issues which would have made it VERY difficult to get pregnant. They were arguing about going through with invitro...

They had the baby and he gave it a go, but left her 3 months after their son was born. He isn''t the scum of the earth, but he always said he didn''t want to be father. Ironically I hear he is pretty involved with his son. But I am not sure he was able to forgive her for wanting to change his life in a way he really really really didn''t want. She is a tough lady and has focused on their darling boy, but wow did I feel for her.
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
2,216
Being on the same page about children is vital before getting married! I think we had a similar discussion on LIW a while back and I think the general consensus is that not wanting the same thing re: kids is the one major deal breaker. You just can''t get married to someone who doesn''t want kids if you do!

Of course being on the same page can mean being equally indecisive!
We find the idea of having the other person''s kid to be very appealing (it gets more appealing the fewer clothes we''re wearing!
), but we both aren''t actually fond of children. So we''ve agreed to decide the matter a couple of years after we''re married. (I''ll be pretty close to 37 then).
My fi and I are litterally identical in our feelings about children, so we are on the same page.
I don''t recommend this for everyone.
 

Mrs.soontobealfonzo

Rough_Rock
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Messages
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Well Im 25 and plan to have my only child years from now, I just feel everyone one is really getting of the main topic and question. HOW OLD IS TO OLD TO HAVE A BABY? I really dont need advice about anything else. As you can tell im not overly excited to be a mom myself. thats what drew us together. We both shared the same views about wanting children very late. We are both every selfish and are never home. We have tons of friends and demanding jobs. I dont want to get fat and have tons of stretch marks and saggie breast. lol and he loves to travel 5 times a year. but Trust me we have discussed this subject, and just like you all know your husbands and fiances I know mine as well, and if it doesnt work out well that the chance I will have to take. Im sure every last one of you had to take a risk one in your life, but who know I may even change my mind and never want one either
 

merrijoy

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Date: 2/22/2007 3:18:24 PM
Author: Mrs.soontobealfonzo
Well Im 25 and plan to have my only child years from now, I just feel everyone one is really getting of the main topic and question. HOW OLD IS TO OLD TO HAVE A BABY? I really dont need advice about anything else. As you can tell im not overly excited to be a mom myself. thats what drew us together. We both shared the same views about wanting children very late. We are both every selfish and are never home. We have tons of friends and demanding jobs. I dont want to get fat and have tons of stretch marks and saggie breast. lol and he loves to travel 5 times a year. but Trust me we have discussed this subject, and just like you all know your husbands and fiances I know mine as well, and if it doesnt work out well that the chance I will have to take. Im sure every last one of you had to take a risk one in your life, but who know I may even change my mind and never want one either
You are not just taking a chance on your life - you are taking a chance on your future child''s life.
 

monarch64

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Merrijoy, whatever you decide to do is YOUR CHOICE.

As far as age and riskier pregnancies, I believe that after 35 there is an increased possibility of Down's Syndrome in a baby, also other issues that just come along with being older, like decreased fertility (after 27 your fertility drops by like 30% or something). Research the topic on the internet, I'm sure you will find plenty of info. Also, talk to your doctor about the risks associated with being an "older" mommy.

I think people are being a little harsh with you. I know we all feel strongly about the responsibility involved with planning a family and making sure you are able to give a child a good life, though, and it is a sensitive topic. However, you and your FI might change your minds, circumstances in your lives may change to where you are less stressed/busy, etc. and ready to have children. You'll know when the time is right if it happens, I think. (My DH and I are still putting off children, and we're 29 and 36 now, married for 3.5 years!)

ETA: also, I've had the same fears about what pregnancy will do to my body--I LIKE my body the way it is, ha! I can certainly appreciate someone admitting this somewhat selfish fear...I don't think there's a woman out there who hasn't worried about stretch marks and sagging breasts--look at all the tummy tucks, stretch mark cremes on the market, etc. So as far as age, though, your body has a better chance of bouncing back faster the younger you are, keep that in mind also. Unless you're just going to spring for plastic surgery, lol.
 

KimberlyH

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HOW OLD IS TO OLD TO HAVE A BABY?


The best time for you to try and get pregnant is after the age of 50. Anytime before that is too young, you''re never too old.
 

merrijoy

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Date: 2/22/2007 3:32:16 PM
Author: monarch64
Merrijoy, whatever you decide to do is YOUR CHOICE.

As far as age and riskier pregnancies, I believe that after 35 there is an increased possibility of Down''s Syndrome in a baby, also other issues that just come along with being older, like decreased fertility (after 27 your fertility drops by like 30% or something). Research the topic on the internet, I''m sure you will find plenty of info. Also, talk to your doctor about the risks associated with being an ''older'' mommy.

I think people are being a little harsh with you. I know we all feel strongly about the responsibility involved with planning a family and making sure you are able to give a child a good life, though, and it is a sensitive topic. However, you and your FI might change your minds, circumstances in your lives may change to where you are less stressed/busy, etc. and ready to have children. You''ll know when the time is right if it happens, I think. (My DH and I are still putting off children, and we''re 29 and 36 now, married for 3.5 years!)

ETA: also, I''ve had the same fears about what pregnancy will do to my body--I LIKE my body the way it is, ha! I can certainly appreciate someone admitting this somewhat selfish fear...I don''t think there''s a woman out there who hasn''t worried about stretch marks and sagging breasts--look at all the tummy tucks, stretch mark cremes on the market, etc. So as far as age, though, your body has a better chance of bouncing back faster the younger you are, keep that in mind also. Unless you''re just going to spring for plastic surgery, lol.
Hmmm, how did what I decide to do get weighed into this?
 

monarch64

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Date: 2/22/2007 3:39:55 PM
Author: merrijoy

Date: 2/22/2007 3:32:16 PM
Author: monarch64
Merrijoy, whatever you decide to do is YOUR CHOICE.

As far as age and riskier pregnancies, I believe that after 35 there is an increased possibility of Down''s Syndrome in a baby, also other issues that just come along with being older, like decreased fertility (after 27 your fertility drops by like 30% or something). Research the topic on the internet, I''m sure you will find plenty of info. Also, talk to your doctor about the risks associated with being an ''older'' mommy.

I think people are being a little harsh with you. I know we all feel strongly about the responsibility involved with planning a family and making sure you are able to give a child a good life, though, and it is a sensitive topic. However, you and your FI might change your minds, circumstances in your lives may change to where you are less stressed/busy, etc. and ready to have children. You''ll know when the time is right if it happens, I think. (My DH and I are still putting off children, and we''re 29 and 36 now, married for 3.5 years!)

ETA: also, I''ve had the same fears about what pregnancy will do to my body--I LIKE my body the way it is, ha! I can certainly appreciate someone admitting this somewhat selfish fear...I don''t think there''s a woman out there who hasn''t worried about stretch marks and sagging breasts--look at all the tummy tucks, stretch mark cremes on the market, etc. So as far as age, though, your body has a better chance of bouncing back faster the younger you are, keep that in mind also. Unless you''re just going to spring for plastic surgery, lol.
Hmmm, how did what I decide to do get weighed into this?
Pardon me, I typed in the wrong name. I meant to type "mrssoontobe..." Sorry bout that!
 

merrijoy

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Date: 2/22/2007 3:42:47 PM
Author: monarch64
Pardon me, I typed in the wrong name. I meant to type ''mrssoontobe...'' Sorry bout that!
No problem
. I just feel really bad for children brought into houses where they are not wanted. It makes me really sad.
 

Mara

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you gotta understand when you post on a PUBLIC INTERNET FORUM....you will get lots of opinions. strong ones. passionate ones. ones that have nothing to do with what you actually asked in your first post.

just deal. don't get upset that people are offering their two cents on other parts of your post or try to get them to FOCUS on parts you want them to look at. if you really don't want people commenting on the fact that your husband to be doesnt want kids but will have them for you anyway or that you are scared to have kids...DONT PUT IT IN THERE. it's really not rocket science.

if you just want to ask 'how old is too old'...then JUST SAY: 'how old is too old to have kids? both physically and emotionally? looking for opinions'.

the more information you put about yourself and your situation out there, the more comments and speculations and opinions you will get...stuff you probably don't want to hear. it's the nature of the beast. public. internet. forum. don't like it? then don't give too much information out and focus your post on what you really wanted to know...and nip it in the bud.

or better yet....ask a doctor your questions. or go to a baby or pregnancy related board and ask there as well...!
 

monarch64

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Date: 2/22/2007 3:44:58 PM
Author: merrijoy

Date: 2/22/2007 3:42:47 PM
Author: monarch64
Pardon me, I typed in the wrong name. I meant to type ''mrssoontobe...'' Sorry bout that!
No problem
. I just feel really bad for children brought into houses where they are not wanted. It makes me really sad.
I don''t think Mrs.SoontobeAlfonzo (aka MSSTBA, lol) hates kids and just doesn''t want them but feels compelled to have one anyway...in fact I think she''s actually being responsible by saying, look, I don''t want them now, but I think in the future I might, and my FI is willing to be a father because he knows it means a lot to me. She''s saying that essentially they would not make good parents due to their current lifestyle, but thinks things will settle down as they near age 40 or so, and wants to know the risks associated with being pregnant at that age.

There''s a thread over in hangout about flaming and why things get so heated on forums like this...you can''t hear tone of voice, you can''t see people''s expressions, etc.

I totally agree with the point that if you don''t really want children you don''t need to be a parent. Certainly not fair to the child.

MSSTBA: maybe you could explain more about your circumstances so people will understand where your feelings are coming from? Like, are you ever around children? Do many of your friends have kids yet? For myself and my DH, we are never around them! Therefore we feel like we always see the "bad" stuff about kids: being out at restaurants, weddings, etc. where there are children misbehaving (or just being kids, lol), screaming, all the annoying things. We don''t get to see the every day joys that I''m sure abound, you know? So maybe we just don''t know what we''re missing yet!
 

aquarius_ser

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Messages
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Funny you posted this..... I just went to the gyno a couple weeks ago (right before my 31st b-day).... SO she walks in and the first question she asked me was "So are you ready to start having kids?"

Me: "I''m not even married yet!"
Dr: "I know, but you will be"
Me: "In 10 months!? Why? Am I running out of time?"
Dr: "Well, I''d like you to before you''re 31."
Me: "That''s in 4 days!"
Dr: "Well, let''s say in the next year or so"......
Me: "I''d like to be married for a couple years before I do."
Dr.: "The sooner the better, I wouldn''t wait 5 years or anything"
Me: (changing the subject) "So what''s your take on breast augmentation? It''s something I''m really considering."

That''s how I got out of that conversation! From babies to breast implants!
 
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