How much is too much?

[Harleigh]

Hi Ladies,

Sorry to have been MIA for so long...I think I am finally over my bout with Shingles again and am feeling so much better this week! I have been trying to catch up on everyone''s happenings here on PS, but I also needed about some of my own things, as well.

Many of you are aware that we are going to Maui to be married in July (3 months from tomorrow, I can hardly believe it!) and with all of the airline foreclosures, it has affected everyone in our bridal party. Everyone has had to try to reschedule their flights and have encountered increased costs at a few to several hundred dollars per person, which were already high to begin with.

We were initially saving money to be able to give each of our attendants two new $100 dollar bills with "Mad Money" written across them along with their gift in Maui at the Welcome Dinner. In light of all of the struggles our attendants are having, we have decided to send them a check to help them cover some of their travel costs.

FI wants to send them $500 each, which I think is very generous, but I am afraid our bridal party will not take it in the manner it is intended. I don''t know why I feel that way, but I think they would feel it is a bit over the top. I know that as a bridal party attendant, I would certainly appreciate the unexpected gesture, but I''m also not sure I could actually cash that check!

So, I wanted to try to make a compromise with my FI and suggested settling on sending each of them a check for $400 and then plan to still give each of them a new $100 bill to use as "Mad Money" along with their gift at the Welcome Dinner, which is the DBTY sterling and cz necklace and bracelet sets (and hopefully matching earrings) for the girls and whatever FI comes up with for the guys.

Does this sound reasonable? We had originally budgeted about $200 cash per person, but we know what a hardship it is for them to be making this trek and want to try to help them out without offending them.

I already started to draft a letter explaining that it was our intention to treat them to a gift of $ upon their arrival in Maui, but that in light of the air fares rapidly increasing in price, we thought the gift would come in handy sooner rather than later to help them with their travel expenses. I would include this with the check and hope they can accept it with our best intentions.

What do you think? Is this reasonable or too over the top? Should we just give them all the full $500 now and be done with it or do something different? Since so many of them are struggling right now, we want to make a decision and get the checks out to them in the mail this week.

Thanks in advance for any of your thoughts or advice!

 

[Harriet]

Glad to hear that you''re better. What are the hotel arrangements? If your party members are paying their own way, maybe you can treat them to a night''s stay. That may be less loaded than cash.

 

[Octavia]

Harleigh, I''m so glad you''re feeling better, and it''s good to see you back! I''m not sure exactly how much would be too much for your attendants -- it seems like something that would vary a lot by situation -- but if you''re uncomfortable giving them checks, maybe you could do some sort of gift card they could use while on Maui? Like for the hotel restaurant, or pay a portion of their rental cars (I don''t know if rental car companies do this, but you might be able to work something out directly...assuming they''re renting cars, which is pretty hard to avoid on Maui), or maybe a combination of a couple different ones along with your original "mad money" idea? This would still help defray costs as much as actual money would, but might seem a little less forward than a check. Just a suggestion, since you know them best and know how they''d react to things.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 4/21/2008 10:49:17 PM
Author: Harriet
Glad to hear that you''re better. What are the hotel arrangements? If your party members are paying their own way, maybe you can treat them to a night''s stay. That may be less loaded than cash.

Thanks, Harriet!

Everyone has chosen their own accommodations that are nowhere near anyone else''s hotels. They are so spread out I am planning to hand out the welcome bags at the Welcome Dinner and call it a day rather than try to hunt everyone down.

They all chose their hotels based on how long they were staying, the rates they found, their own timeshares, etc... Some of their stays would range from about $140 a night to over $500 a night. Also, both of our brothers are part of the bridal party, and they are both staying with our parents.

My brother is paying his own airfare, so I know the money would come in handy for him towards his airfare, but I''m afraid he expects us to pay his way anyways!

Thanks for your thoughts...I will pass along the idea to my FI and see what he says.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

So glad to see you doing better, that is great!!

Anyway, I feel like $400 is definitely generous enough. I personally would probably only do about $300 hehe. So, I definitely think that would be fine! $500 just seems like a lot more I guess it''s because it''s a full half of a $1000 not sure. But anyway, did any of their flights go over $500 extra? If not, then $400 or less is definitely the way to go.

Hope this helped some.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 4/21/2008 10:56:53 PM
Author: Octavia
Harleigh, I''m so glad you''re feeling better, and it''s good to see you back! I''m not sure exactly how much would be too much for your attendants -- it seems like something that would vary a lot by situation -- but if you''re uncomfortable giving them checks, maybe you could do some sort of gift card they could use while on Maui? Like for the hotel restaurant, or pay a portion of their rental cars (I don''t know if rental car companies do this, but you might be able to work something out directly...assuming they''re renting cars, which is pretty hard to avoid on Maui), or maybe a combination of a couple different ones along with your original ''mad money'' idea? This would still help defray costs as much as actual money would, but might seem a little less forward than a check. Just a suggestion, since you know them best and know how they''d react to things.

Thank you, Octavia! It is definitely good to be back!

I am at a loss, too. I know our intention is good, but I don''t want anyone to take offense. Some are only staying in Maui 4-5 days while others are staying 7-14 days, so I''m not sure how feasible their utilizing gift cards are.

I really like the rental car idea, but they have all ordered cars from different places, as well...argh!

Thanks for your advice...I''ll have to think more about the best way to go about this!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 4/21/2008 11:29:34 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
So glad to see you doing better, that is great!!

Anyway, I feel like $400 is definitely generous enough. I personally would probably only do about $300 hehe. So, I definitely think that would be fine! $500 just seems like a lot more I guess it''s because it''s a full half of a $1000 not sure. But anyway, did any of their flights go over $500 extra? If not, then $400 or less is definitely the way to go.

Hope this helped some.

Hi Sarah, so good to see you, too! I have been trying to catch up on all of your threads...I could really use a DKS thread summing up on everything I''ve missed these past few weeks! No such luck, there, I''m afraid.

Thanks for your input...it really seems like a lot of money to me, too, but it''s just been so hard to listen to everyone complain about how much this trip is costing them, etc... As soon as the airlines started shutting down, we put it out there to everyone that we understood that this may have changed things drastically for them and that we completely understood if they needed to back out of everything altogether. They all say they are still going, but it just makes me feel bad that it has put such a financial burden on all of them. Since Maui was FI''s idea, I know he is feeling guilty about how much it is costing them, hence his desire to help them out by giving them some money now to help cover their costs rather than waiting until they get to Maui.

I appreciate your support, Sarah, thanks for chiming in!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/21/2008 11:36:12 PM
Author: Harleigh

Date: 4/21/2008 11:29:34 PM

Author: SarahLovesJS

So glad to see you doing better, that is great!!

Anyway, I feel like $400 is definitely generous enough. I personally would probably only do about $300 hehe. So, I definitely think that would be fine! $500 just seems like a lot more I guess it''s because it''s a full half of a $1000 not sure. But anyway, did any of their flights go over $500 extra? If not, then $400 or less is definitely the way to go.

Hope this helped some.

Hi Sarah, so good to see you, too! I have been trying to catch up on all of your threads...I could really use a DKS thread summing up on everything I''ve missed these past few weeks! No such luck, there, I''m afraid.


Thanks for your input...it really seems like a lot of money to me, too, but it''s just been so hard to listen to everyone complain about how much this trip is costing them, etc... As soon as the airlines started shutting down, we put it out there to everyone that we understood that this may have changed things drastically for them and that we completely understood if they needed to back out of everything altogether. They all say they are still going, but it just makes me feel bad that it has put such a financial burden on all of them. Since Maui was FI''s idea, I know he is feeling guilty about how much it is costing them, hence his desire to help them out by giving them some money now to help cover their costs rather than waiting until they get to Maui.


I appreciate your support, Sarah, thanks for chiming in!

Hmm, yeah I would probably start feeling a bit bad, too. Then again, they are getting a vacation out of this! Woohoo!

Maybe think about it that way? I mean I don''t think helping out is completely unreasonable, I guess how much is the question (well that is what you asked). $500 isn''t necessarily crazy, but I totally wouldn''t go over that. If I got a check for $500 in mail I would be really hesitant to cash it and then I would wonder if I made you feel like I needed money or guilted you into giving me money!

But I''m a worrier.

 

[gailrmv]

What about offering to pay for their dresses, shoes, hair style, etc, in addition to the "mad money", and maybe also treating them to a meal that you otherwise wouldn''t have treated for. This seems a little different than cash somehow. I would be puzzled if I got a check in the mail - I would feel a bit guilty taking it I think.

 

[Harleigh]

Sadly, I guess that''s part of the problem...they have complained so much that we DO feel like we need to help with some of the expenses. We definitely haven''t completely budgeted for this extra extravagance, but I think if it will ease some of their burden, it will help out all around. It sucks that I''m so torn about this, but FI is pretty adamant about it, so I may not win this one!

He also wants me to put in the letter that they MUST deposit or cash the check immediately as he cannot STAND to have his checkbook unbalanced, which might indicate we really do want them to use the money to help them out...I just dunno!

Thanks again, Sarah!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 4/21/2008 11:48:05 PM
Author: TanDogMom
What about offering to pay for their dresses, shoes, hair style, etc, in addition to the ''mad money'', and maybe also treating them to a meal that you otherwise wouldn''t have treated for. This seems a little different than cash somehow. I would be puzzled if I got a check in the mail - I would feel a bit guilty taking it I think.

Hi TanDogMom,

I have already purchased their dresses and shoes for them, have offered to pay for a pedicure and manicure the day before the wedding as well as if they would like to have their hair and makeup done the day of.

We are also having them at a welcome dinner the night before the wedding and we are each taking our guys and gals out to breakfast with us the day of the wedding.

And to alleviate the puzzlement, the letter that would go with the check would state that we understand that the sudden foreclosures may have resulted in some unexpected strain on their wallets and that in thanks for them making the trek to Maui, we hope they will accept the enclosed check to help counterbalance some of their expenses.

I worded it much better than that, but haven''t hit "print" yet, so am open to any ideas. My FI is pretty adamant about helping them out in this way as he knows I''m already under enough stress with everything else without having to figure out how to pay for a night at their hotels, cars, or just trying to manage how to do it fairly.

I think we may just have to do it and let them know it was given with the best of intentions and we hope they take it in that light.

Thanks for your input...I appreciate your chiming in!

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. So maybe I''m reading too much into this.

But your attendants are complaining about the cost of expenses so much that you feel obligated to help out with the funds... and you are worried they may turn around and take offense.

Either you don''t complain, or you graciously accept the help when it''s offered. I guess I don''t understand complaining about how much something costs, then getting offended when someone offers to help.

If they are your attendants persumably you have close relationships with them... so I would just call each one up, explain the what''s going on, and send them the money. With a nice note.

If any of them are offended, well... I''m sorry, I just don''t get that. It''s a generous gesture, and I think its very thoughtful of you guys to provide it.

 

[VRBeauty]

Harleigh:

First, it''s great to see you posting again... I hope it means that you''re truly on the mend.

It sounds like your hubby-to-be is really feeling bad about the chice of locales, and I can understand how frustrating it must have been to you and your wedding party when the airlines went under, all of your advanced plans to make this an affordable destination wedding went down the drain. If you guys can afford to subsidize the wedding party to this extent without it causing you pain, well, I''m sure most of them would appreciate it.

However, I don''t think you need to add the gift of mad money at the RD... between the original gift, and the fact that you also bought the dresses and are paying for their hair if they want, adding mad money just seems over the top. I mean,I asume you two aren''t made of money... and I think by that point they (or you) would be feeling uncomfortable with your generosity. You might just send them a single check now, with an explanation about the unanticipated costs, and a note that they can use it for to help defray the travel expenses, or use it for mad money in Maui, or whatever.....

And then please stop feeling guilty about the destination wedding! Your friends and family are all adults, they know how to say "no" if they have to or even want to (and I know that you aren''t whining about anyone who chose not to attend), and no one could have foreseen that the airlines you were all counting on would up and fold right in the middle of things. It sounds like some of your wedding party have mastered the art of recreational guilt-tripping.

This is your chance to practice the art of smiling and letting their complaints roll off of you, just like water off a duck''s back.

 

[doodle]

glad you''re feeling better! i don''t really have any advice on what to do because all of your suggestions are really lovely gestures, and i''m sure they''d be grateful for whatever you decide to do. i think it''s really sweet that y''all are being so generous, and i know your attendants will really appreciate your thoughtfulness as well!

 

[havernell]

If you are feeling weird about the blanket $500 to each person, could you find out exactly how much more money each member of the bridal party has had to pay due to the airline foreclosures and just "reimburse" them that amount? So, if one person had to pay $500 more you give them the $500, but if someone else only had to pay $150 more you only give them $150. That way (to me) it seems less over the top since it is covering a specific expense (just like you paid the specific amount that your bridesmaids dresses cost) rather than just giving them random large sum of money.

 

[Independent Gal]

I dunno, I think it''s lovely to send them the $500 and tell them it''s because of the foreclosures. If I was your broke friend, I would be SO GRATEFUL!!

Maybe I''m just greedy?

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, and sorry to hear about the shingles. I''ve heard that''s AWWWWFUL. Glad you''re feeling better.

 

[Stephanie]

Date: 4/22/2008 5:09:57 AM
Author: havernell
If you are feeling weird about the blanket $500 to each person, could you find out exactly how much more money each member of the bridal party has had to pay due to the airline foreclosures and just ''reimburse'' them that amount? So, if one person had to pay $500 more you give them the $500, but if someone else only had to pay $150 more you only give them $150. That way (to me) it seems less over the top since it is covering a specific expense (just like you paid the specific amount that your bridesmaids dresses cost) rather than just giving them random large sum of money.

This is more along the lines of what I was thinking. Unless the flights have changed to more than $500 over what they were already paying. As for worrying about them taking offense, I agree with Gypsy. You can''t complain and then turn around and be hurt over someone trying to help you. I, along with the majority of everyone else, think it''s a wonderful gesture, especially considering the extra costs to you.

In any case, glad that you are feeling better!

 

[Harleigh]

Thanks, Gypsy...I''m glad somebody else understands where I''m coming from on this! It''s made for a rough week!

Hi MINIMS!!!

So good to *see* you again, too! And, yes, I am feeling much better, thank you! You are correct that R is feeling guilty...I have had to hear so much people''s frustrations about the cost of things that he now hears it, too. It is extremely frustrating and by sending them the checks and a nice letter, hopefully they will shut their traps about it and just go and have a good time already! From now on, I''ll do as you suggest and just let all of the comments from here on out just slide right on over me...I''m done!

Hi doodle, thank you for your support!

Hi havernell, we tried to figure out how much more the airfare costs were, but some still haven''t even been able to get new flights as of yet, nor have they had their money refunded. The difficult part is that many are bringing spouses or significant others, so we thought to try to help with their costs, as well. Our tickets were about $200+ each, so that is what we based our amount on.

Hi Indy! I am greedy, too, and know that in the past 11 weddings I''ve been in, any help would have been much appreciated, and I never got any, even though I had to travel quite far to be in several of them. I hope our friends can take it in the spirit it was intended, but from one''s response already today, I''m afraid that might not be the case.

And yes, Shingles are HORRIBLE! Thank goodness they weren''t as bad as the first time...this time was a lot more manageable for me! Thanks for the well wishes!

Hi Stephanie! Thanks for your thoughts, too! I appreciate your input!

So, here''s the update: We decided upon $400 for each person in the bridal party, and I accompanied it with a lovely letter thanking them for being such a special part of our big day. We told them that we were planning to treat them to a little "Mad Money" upon our arrival in Maui to do with as they wished, but in light of all of the airline closures and an increase of fares, we thought the money would come in a bit more handy sooner rather than later. We indicated that it was theirs to do with as they wished, but to please accept it with our blessing along with a P.S. that R insists they deposit it ASAP as he cannot stand not to be able to balance his checkbook, which we were hoping indicated we really want them to use it and not feel bad about it. I then included some pertinent information that they need to be kept abreast of about the welcome dinner and a few wedding details and that we would be in touch again soon as the date got closer. More thanks, blah, blah, blah....

Those went out yesterday after work, so my brother and BFF have already received them. My brother couldn''t get over his thanks for it as he really DOES need help with getting over there. He said he hoped he hadn''t compained too much about the cost, etc..., but that he knew we knew he needed assistance. We had a great chat and I just told him how important it was to me that he be there. Again, this is the brother who isn''t very thoughtful, not around or in touch often, but when it REALLY matters, he is there for me. I will never forget how much he helped me the day Maverick died, and how often he called to check on me and asking if I needed anything. For that alone, he is the best big brother on this earth, and I''d give him anything I had to get him to Maui for my wedding.

My BFF, on the other hand, does not have a job and hasn''t in a few years. I''m still not exactly sure how she is able to live, but she doesn''t talk about it, so I figure it''s none of my beeswax! She needs the help with money even more than my employed brother does. She sent me a text message this afternoon, saying amongst other things, that she doesn''t feel comfortable accepting the check. Since I was on my way to a meeting, I sent her back a quick one that said, "We sent the same to everyone in the bridal party because we want you to have it and hope it helps out a bit!"

I of course cannot say that she of all people should just be saying thanks and putting the money to good use! To think I was initially worried about the best man and matron of honor being offended as they have no need of the money, but since we felt we had to be fair, we sent the same to each person in the BP.

Like some of you said, you just can''t make everybody happy, and I guess they can take it or leave it. My FI is still pretty set on giving them the $100 "Mad Money" when we get to Maui, but I''ll have to see how everyone''s reactions to the checks are...

Ha ha...my Matron of Honor just called and left me a message saying thanks and how much appreciated the check was, but unnecessary. She then went on to say that she understood how hard destination weddings can be on some people and that it was a lovely gesture. I guess this means I''m 2 to 1 in favor of thanks!

I''ll keep you all posted how it works out! Thanks for all of your advice and support!

 

[neatfreak]

Oops too late.

 

[Harleigh]

LOL, neatfreak...you''re right, it is their choice to cash them or not.

I guess it IS a good thing we didn''t send money orders, because we truly would have just wasted the money if they didn''t cash them!

Thanks for chiming in...you weren''t too late!

 

[matildawong]

Hi Harleigh,

I''m glad you''re on the mend from the shingles. I read you sent the checks and I just wanted to say that I think it''s such a lovely thing for you to do for them. My friend helped me to fly out to her wedding and it was just the nicest thing and I will never forget how she and her family helped me out like that.

I hope you''re doing well. I think of you when I''m on the PS boards.


- molly

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to say glad to see this worked out for you!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 4/23/2008 10:39:37 PM
Author: matildawong
Hi Harleigh,

I''m glad you''re on the mend from the shingles. I read you sent the checks and I just wanted to say that I think it''s such a lovely thing for you to do for them. My friend helped me to fly out to her wedding and it was just the nicest thing and I will never forget how she and her family helped me out like that.

I hope you''re doing well. I think of you when I''m on the PS boards.


- molly

Hi Molly,

It''s so nice to hear from you. You are always so sweet...I have been thinking about you, too, and I hope your dear kitty Mittens is doing well. You''ve been in my prayers.

I sure wish that our friends could take the check in the spirit you were able to...I know I certainly would''ve appreciated the help with expenses when I was in the same boat.

Thanks for chiming in...I appreciate your support!

 

[Harleigh]

Thanks, Sarah!

 

[Stephanie]

Well, it''s good to know that your party has accepted these the way they were intended (at least most of them.) I really think that this was fantastic of you both to do.