How long before you give up?

[MarlonN]

Ladies, some of you may think this is a stupid question, but I want to know what you think. How long would you wait for an engagement ring before you gave up and moved on?

 

[Ariadne_Theia]

I wouldn't?

 

[lmcriss]

I don't think there's a specific amount of time... A conversation would need to happen to figure out if the couple is on the same page. Then, at some point, I feel like you know deep down no matter how much denial is in the way, a person knows if your partner is never going to commit.

 

[totallyfree]

How long have you been together? If you've had the "how do you feel about our future, marriage is important to me" conversation (perhaps more than once), then you need to make a decision for yourself. I wouldn't "give up", I'd make a decision to either stay or leave, and own it.

 

[MarlonN]

I guess you're all right. Each individual situation is unique and only the person in it would know the best way to proceed.

 

[cmd2014]

I think it depends on what you want, and what you've communicated that you're looking for. How old you are probably factors in too. If you want to get married, and have been open about that from day 1 of dating, then I think there are 'reasonable' timelines about whether your relationship is progressing to that point. If not, then I agree, you need to move on if there is no sign that your relationship is heading in the direction you'd like.

If you're in your early 20s there is probably more reason to wait - to finish your education, to get financially stable, to mature enough to know that this is who and what you really want. If you're older and established, I think more than a year without a strong indication of a deeper commitment to the relationship would likely give me pause. But I honestly think people know when their partner is not committed. I had a friend who lived with her boyfriend for 8 years, hoping. She finally confronted the issue because she wanted to have children, and he said he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be, so they broke up. He married someone else 6 months later and had a baby that same year. She wishes she had confronted the issue much sooner. She said she knew, but didn't want to know, and hoped time would change it.

 

[kalistamin]

Hi MarlonN, I'd love to know more about your situation, if you're happy to share? I've been with my partner for 7 years and we're in our early 30s. We've been talking engagement, marriage, kids, rings etc for over 18 months, but there still is no sign of actually taking action, just lots of excuses when I ask about 'when?' Feeling really confused and wondering if I'm being foolish....

 

[FinleysMom]

2 years...maybe three..max. I wasted FIVE years on a guy that never brought up marriage. Deep in my heart I knew he was not going too either. So to get it over with I said the M-word. We broke up a few days later We did not live together ( never going to do that!) , no out of wedlock kids
( never) . I should have cut it off much earlier but I was so entrenched with his family, whom I loved, I did not want to separate from them. I wasted a few years when I should have moved on . Ah, youth...sort of. BTW..he went on to marry 2 other gals and then divorce them both within 3 years. Bullet..dodged!

We broke up in 1993...And I have been happily married 15 years to awonderful man. And, the proposal was a shock! Lol!

FinleysMom

 

[FinleysMom]

I think it depends on what you want, and what you've communicated that you're looking for. How old you are probably factors in too. If you want to get married, and have been open about that from day 1 of dating, then I think there are 'reasonable' timelines about whether your relationship is progressing to that point. If not, then I agree, you need to move on if there is no sign that your relationship is heading in the direction you'd like.

If you're in your early 20s there is probably more reason to wait - to finish your education, to get financially stable, to mature enough to know that this is who and what you really want. If you're older and established, I think more than a year without a strong indication of a deeper commitment to the relationship would likely give me pause. But I honestly think people know when their partner is not committed. I had a friend who lived with her boyfriend for 8 years, hoping. She finally confronted the issue because she wanted to have children, and he said he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be, so they broke up. He married someone else 6 months later and had a baby that same year. She wishes she had confronted the issue much sooner. She said she knew, but didn't want to know, and hoped time would change it.

Perfect!! And soooo true! I see this over and over .
FinleysMom

 

[Tekate]

When one has to ask that question I think. If he's uncommitted after the time YOU think (any YOU) reasonable.. say bye.

Ladies, some of you may think this is a stupid question, but I want to know what you think. How long would you wait for an engagement ring before you gave up and moved on?

 

[LJsapphire]

It was 5 years for me, I ended up proposing to him on Feb 29th! He was annoyed about this because he wanted to do it and I'd taken the wind out of his sails
We are in our late 30s, it is my 2nd time but his first.

 

[acaw2015]

I personally dont like this waiting thing at all. A relationship must be based on communication. Waiting seems to me like a complete lack of communication. When I met my dh we talked very early on about how we felt re marriage, children etc and I made it very clear (=I told him) when I was ready to get engaged. If he hadnt been ready to commit then I would probably have given him some time if he had a good reason for it, but I certainly wouldnt wait to talk about it. On the contrary, I think we would have some serious things to talk about in a situation like that!

 

[LJsapphire]

I would edit my post but not allowed - just to add, in my situation we had talked about marriage and we knew we both wanted to marry. We had already talked about the where and possibly when... he has a certain order he'd like to achieve things in life. So it was just the proposal I was waiting for.

 

[Aino]

I agree with the general consensus here that it is not just about waiting and then eventually either getting lucky or giving up. You never know if he was about to propose the next day by giving up one day especially if you did not talk openly about the topic.

My partner and I had known each other for 7 years before we got together. Before that we talked about everything openly, admitted that we are afraid of ruining our existing relationship and hence we talked already about marriage, kids, where to live (we are from different European countries).

However, we come from two different cultures when it comes to marrying and getting engaged. In his culture, you wait till you have kids as when you are married and both earn, the taxation becomes a bitch. In my culture, you typically get engaged after 3-6 years.

So after about half a year / a year we both were certain that we will marry. BUT in his mind the day would come in many years' time and in my mind I was ready to get engaged soon since I knew that this was the right man. So we started talking about the topic again and for him it was hard to understand that since we wouldn't marry soon anyways (we live in his country of origin) due to tax reasons. Eventually though he understood that if being engaged means so much to me, we can do it even though it's not part of his ideology. So we picked a ring, it has arrived and now he is planning a proposal.

So whatever is the issue in your relationship that makes you think of giving up, don't, until you have talked about it! He might have a very valid reason to wait. Good luck!

 

[GliderPoss]

I think it depends on what you want, and what you've communicated that you're looking for. How old you are probably factors in too. If you want to get married, and have been open about that from day 1 of dating, then I think there are 'reasonable' timelines about whether your relationship is progressing to that point. If not, then I agree, you need to move on if there is no sign that your relationship is heading in the direction you'd like.

If you're in your early 20s there is probably more reason to wait - to finish your education, to get financially stable, to mature enough to know that this is who and what you really want. If you're older and established, I think more than a year without a strong indication of a deeper commitment to the relationship would likely give me pause. But I honestly think people know when their partner is not committed. I had a friend who lived with her boyfriend for 8 years, hoping. She finally confronted the issue because she wanted to have children, and he said he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be, so they broke up. He married someone else 6 months later and had a baby that same year. She wishes she had confronted the issue much sooner. She said she knew, but didn't want to know, and hoped time would change it.

Yup this a thousand times over. I've seen it with a number of friends and family. In fact it honestly pisses me off when (mainly) men string someone along for the majority of their child bearing years then finally wimp out and admit they don't want to marry/have kids/whatever. I'm sorry but women do have a biological clock! :roll Just be honest for gawds sake and give us a chance. To answer OP's question - have the conversation NOW.

 

[tkyasx78]

this is a very old thread, and I hope OP has resolved his/her issue.
to answer the question though....

Not long in my case. We were married within 8 months of meeting. We both knew what we wanted and I wasn't going to waste time on someone who wasn't serious.