How is this fair???

[pluck15]

Ok, so I know this post may seem a little selfish....but I''m sure some of you ladies will agree with me. Next weekend I''m flying out to go to my cousin''s wedding. Now don''t get me wrong, I love her to death and she''s such a sweetheart. I wish I lived closer and could hang out with her more. But on that side of my family, she''s the youngest cousin. She and her then b/f got engaged after only dating 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!

Please tell me how that is fair, considering some of us have been waiting multiple years for our b/f to pop the question?? I''m so happy for her, but yet jealous. They won''t have been together a year by the time they get married. Do any of you feel my pain???

 

[misskitty]

It might help to think of it in these terms: they got engaged after only 6 weeks, yes, but you''re taking the time to build a relationship and get to know your SO more that they did. You can go into your future marriage that much more confident of how right you are for each other.

 

[lucyandroger]

To each his/her own but I would NEVER consider marrying someone after 6 weeks!

 

[NakedFinger]

They''ll be divorced in 6 weeks too.....

 

[purselover]

Date: 7/2/2009 10:50:27 AM
Author: NakedFinger
They''ll be divorced in 6 weeks too.....

ditto ....don''t get me wrong I hope they''ll be one of the few that can make it after that short of a time frame, but realistically they probably won''t have an easy go at marriage. Trust me you have nothing to be jealous of, if anything you should feel concerned for her.

 

[suchende]

ditto all of the above. after six weeks you still only know the side of a person that they want you to see.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 7/2/2009 10:58:11 AM
Author: purselover

Date: 7/2/2009 10:50:27 AM
Author: NakedFinger
They''ll be divorced in 6 weeks too.....

ditto ....don''t get me wrong I hope they''ll be one of the few that can make it after that short of a time frame, but realistically they probably won''t have an easy go at marriage. Trust me you have nothing to be jealous of, if anything you should feel concerned for her.

Thritto.

 

[Margot]

Date: 7/2/2009 10:50:27 AM
Author: NakedFinger
They''ll be divorced in 6 weeks too.....

tee hee!

Life isn''t fair...and it''s a journey, not a race!

Have fun at the wedding!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/2/2009 10:45:37 AM
Author: misskitty
It might help to think of it in these terms: they got engaged after only 6 weeks, yes, but you''re taking the time to build a relationship and get to know your SO more that they did. You can go into your future marriage that much more confident of how right you are for each other.

good words misskitty, i agree.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:13:41 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 7/2/2009 10:45:37 AM
Author: misskitty
It might help to think of it in these terms: they got engaged after only 6 weeks, yes, but you''re taking the time to build a relationship and get to know your SO more that they did. You can go into your future marriage that much more confident of how right you are for each other.

good words misskitty, i agree.

I mist agree...

you will have a more solid foundation which is truly very important.

 

[swingirl]

No one knows another person in 6 weeks. They are marrying strangers. On the other hand, when both people are ready and want the same things, they can cut to the chase quickly. My parents were married within 6 months of their first meeting and it lasted.

Your problem is not her, it's that you are waiting for something that hasn't happened. Back in my parent's day everyone wanted to be married. It was the normal status for an adult. Men don't feel that way anymore and women have resorted to "pretending". If you have been waiting for years and your bf isn't even close you might want to consider where you two will be in a few more years. But if you are sure your bf is really close and he's just being cautious then the wait will be worth it. You will actually know each other well and have a good chance at a long life together. The odds are against your cousin.

 

[tlh]

yeah, I was envious of ANYONE that got engaged before me... even strangers.

I guess they''ll be spending a marriage getting to know one another.

 

[princesss]

Who cares? Look, it doesn''t reflect on your relationship at all and has zilch to do with what''s "fair." This isn''t a race, and you don''t need to compare yourself to them. They''re on their own timeline and you''re on yours. Yeah, she got something you want. Oh well. That happens in life. Enjoy your life and your relationship, and leave them to enjoy theirs.

 

[HollyS]

I am aware that some people can make a lifetime commitment in six weeks. My parents did.

But it''s a crap shoot for the rest, and I''d say this gal has nothing to be jealous of. The odds are stacked against this being a lasting commitment. Unfortunately. I''d like to be more positive, but statistics don''t usually lie.

 

[LilyKat]

How old is she, by the way?

I can kind of see where you''re coming from, in that I might be envious of someone getting engaged after a year while I had been waiting for five. But 6 weeks? That''s just too crazy to be jealous of, in my opinion.

I''d count yourself lucky.

 

[Clairitek]

Two of the women I work with decided to get married to their husbands of multiple decades after the same time period BUT I would agree this is extremely rare. Also, both of these women were in their mid-late 20s. I am curious how old this cousin of yours is.

I agree with whoever said that after 6 weeks you still only know the side of the person that they want you to know.

 

[pluck15]

She''s 23. And I think my use of the word "fair" was misinterpretted. I''ve gotten some pretty harsh comments in return. I did say that I was happy for her, and I do love her, she''s my cousin. I hope they last, as her parents were in the very same situation when they got engaged. And honestly after some of your comments...I''m sorry I ever made this post.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/2/2009 4:08:58 PM
Author: pluck15
She''s 23. And I think my use of the word ''fair'' was misinterpretted. I''ve gotten some pretty harsh comments in return. I did say that I was happy for her, and I do love her, she''s my cousin. I hope they last, as her parents were in the very same situation when they got engaged. And honestly after some of your comments...I''m sorry I ever made this post.

I thought they were all pretty fair.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 7/2/2009 4:17:26 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/2/2009 4:08:58 PM

Author: pluck15

She''s 23. And I think my use of the word ''fair'' was misinterpretted. I''ve gotten some pretty harsh comments in return. I did say that I was happy for her, and I do love her, she''s my cousin. I hope they last, as her parents were in the very same situation when they got engaged. And honestly after some of your comments...I''m sorry I ever made this post.

I thought they were all pretty fair.

Ditto. I think all anyone said was meant to be positive.

 

[jcarlylew]

i think most the comments were meant light hearted or with compassion, and mine was for sure.

We definately all understand the feeling though. i think *gaaaahhh!!* sums up the feeling quite nicely, no matter how much you love or hate the couple

 

[NakedFinger]

Considering none of the comments we directed negativity at you, not sure why you would be upset. No one said "What? Yup you are selfish. Be happy for her" or "Stop complaining, you cant compare your relationship to her." No one attacked you for saying you cared or that it bothered you. You think none of us have never felt the green eyed monster of jealousy creep up anytime someone mentions they got engaged? Like tlh said, even strangers!

You could know nothing about them or know whether they are even happy, you still cant help but feel a little sting. I know the feeling, trust me.

What everyone was trying to do was make you feel better, and let you know that you shouldnt exactly be jealous of her situation, because truth is its not ideal and probably not going to last and if it does they are going to have to defy odds and work REALLY hard at first, so dont feel envy for that. Its like being jealous of a woman who appears to have a wonderful perfect marriage, and then finding out her husband was cheating on her the whole time. Nothing is as it seems, and the grass isnt always greener.

I am not going to apologize for my viewpoint on it. Obviously hearing negative comments regarding you cousin, someone you love, is hard. And for that I am sorry. I am sure you hope she is happy, and nobody wishes for anyone to go through the pain of a divorce. I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy. But the truth is, if I had to bet everything I own on this marriage not lasting I would. I hope it does last, and I hope I am wrong. I was just saying statistics show it wont, so dont envy her for the quickness of it. You will go into your marriage feeling like you laid the foundation for it, and have nothing to worry about it. I've been with my FF for years, have a house, etc. So I KNOW him, as much as I know myself, I know this works, and I know I can go into marriage with no doubts whatsoever. You can do that as well, since you didnt get engaged at only 6 weeks.

The first 6 weeks, hell the first 6 months, of a relationship are pretend. You are still walking on eggshells, not letting your true selves show, on your best behavior, etc etc. I'm sorry, but you dont know someone enough to know whether you can spend the rest of your life with them in 6 weeks. I dont know whether I would even be comfortable with only a year, but hey maybe thats just me. They need to spend time getting to know each other, experiencing life together (at least 4 seasons!) and preferably live together to ensure they can cohabitate, see them at their worst, keep a home, pay bills, etc etc. Then, if they manage, get engaged. The problem is, since they are engaged already and you said they wont have been together for a year even by the time they get married. Which means they are having a quick engagement. So they arent taking MORE time to get to know each other during engagement, they are just throwing themselves into wedding planning. And I'm sorry, during that time you are barely spending time together, you are keeping yourself busy, you are on cloud nine with the high of engagement/planning, so that isnt real life either. I know a lot of people, and one person in particular, that has said she "thinks he's the one" of "we're going to get married" within the first 6 weeks of dating a guy at least 7 times with 7 different guys. Why? Because everything is perfect and puppy love and hot and heavy in the beginning, and then time went on, that faded, and their true selves/flaws and incombatibility shined through. You need to let that infatuation wear off before you get engaged, im sorry.

Again im sorry if us talking negatively about her engagement hurt you because you love her. Good luck to her, and rememeber that your engagement will come soon too.

 

[pluck15]

Ok, sorry once again, I think my last comment may have been a little harsh

I do appreciate the view point from most of you that said that I will be better off knowing that marriage is the right thing for me when it comes. I hadn''t thought about it from that point of view.

I think I misnamed my post, because I didn''t mean to sound like I was complaining and that "she got what I wanted". I was more just curious of who else felt the way I did, as elledizzy put it "gahhhhhh".

I apologize for my PMS today

 

[vetrogrl]

I hope your cousin gets a prenup...6 weeks is crazy to commit the rest of your life til death do you part, for better or for worse...they haven''t even probably seen or experienced the worse of moments in one another either! I wish them luck...marriage nowadays is taken so lightly...it is a sacred promise and commitment between 2 people to devote themselves to one another and build a life and family together. So many couples think its the right or next step to a relationship if they "feel in love" but marriage will have its down parts, and a lot not all people would rather run than stay and that''s why America''s divorce rate is about 60%. I''m sorry, I know I do not know your cousin,but can she really know that this guy is her life long person who will be by her side through thick and thin after 6 weeks? Just my thoughts...

 

[Bjedifish]

woah! yikes

I don''t know anything about these two people, but I know that 6 weeks is barley enough time to know each other''s favorite things and certainly not enough time to know that person is truly right for you. That''s just my opinion. And of course you can feel jealous...everytime I would find a couple I know got engaged of course I would be happy for them, but at the same time I would think to myself sadly, when will it be my turn.

 

[Lannie]

I don''t post much, but I felt the need to give my POV on this.

I found some of the comments pretty insulting. My husband and I got engaged after 6 weeks of dating. We got married 4 days before our 5 month dating anniversary. We''ve been married for almost 5 years and are expecting our first child together. We have a stronger marriage than many people I know that have dated for 10 years before getting married.

We both received some really hurtful comments from people throughout the beginning of our relationship and marriage. People saying that we wouldn''t last a year, or even 6 months. Bugging us about not getting a prenup (Ugh! So unnecessary people!) Sometimes when you meet the person you''re supposed to be with, you just know. We also got married young. I was 20 and he was 23. All of our family and friends, even the ones who were negative in the beginning now say that they can''t imagine us apart or with anyone else. That we''re truly meant to be together.

I''m not going to say that getting engaged or married early or young is right for everyone, but why be so rude or negative about it? Please keep in mind that there are a lot of people both on and off of PS who get engaged or married quickly that might find these negative comments really hurtful.

pluck15 I''m sorry that you''re feeling down about it. Just remember that there are both pros and cons to getting engaged or married earlier or later. Good timing really depends on the couple. Have you talked to your boyfriend about a timeline yet? If not, now might be the time to do it. Especially with the smell of a wedding in the air. Good luck, and I hope you have a good time at the wedding.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 7/4/2009 12:43:32 PM
Author: Lannie
I don''t post much, but I felt the need to give my POV on this.


I found some of the comments pretty insulting. My husband and I got engaged after 6 weeks of dating. We got married 4 days before our 5 month dating anniversary. We''ve been married for almost 5 years and are expecting our first child together. We have a stronger marriage than many people I know that have dated for 10 years before getting married.


We both received some really hurtful comments from people throughout the beginning of our relationship and marriage. People saying that we wouldn''t last a year, or even 6 months. Bugging us about not getting a prenup (Ugh! So unnecessary people!) Sometimes when you meet the person you''re supposed to be with, you just know. We also got married young. I was 20 and he was 23. All of our family and friends, even the ones who were negative in the beginning now say that they can''t imagine us apart or with anyone else. That we''re truly meant to be together.


I''m not going to say that getting engaged or married early or young is right for everyone, but why be so rude or negative about it? Please keep in mind that there are a lot of people both on and off of PS who get engaged or married quickly that might find these negative comments really hurtful.


pluck15 I''m sorry that you''re feeling down about it. Just remember that there are both pros and cons to getting engaged or married earlier or later. Good timing really depends on the couple. Have you talked to your boyfriend about a timeline yet? If not, now might be the time to do it. Especially with the smell of a wedding in the air. Good luck, and I hope you have a good time at the wedding.

Ditto this Lannie, and thanks for posting it. My parents were engaged within exactly 6 weeks of meeting and have an incredible marriage. FI proposed after only 8 months dating. But we''d had 2 years of friendship. Maybe this couple are the same? If not, who cares? I know just as many couples who have broken up after years of dating/marriage.

Anyway Pluck, I know you clarified that the timing isn''t what bothers you so this isn''t directed at you. It''s never easy to see somebody else get what you want to have so badly. Even if you are a very good person and genuinely happy for her, it''s ok to have a little moment of...well, gaaaah is the perfect word to describe it

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don't get this is unfair.

She met someone she fell in love with, got engaged...and now she's getting married. What is wrong with that? Just because you feel like 6 weeks is to short, doesn't mean she did. It's her life. A lot of people meet, fall in love, and the rest goes quickly...it's not unheard of. I was engaged 3 months after meeting my husband, we spent a year planning our wedding...married...and July 21st we will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary. We're happy, we haven't had any huge pitfalls. I am sure a lot of people intially thought we were nuts, in lust, or rushing it...but for us, it felt right. And now, I honestly say, we were totally right.

While a lot of people might say or think "wow, only 6 weeks...good luck to them..." thinking it's a total joke because they couldn't possibly know each other well enough to make that sort of commitment, their "marriage" will probably be a total crap shoot. But the fact is, its all a crap shoot. Some people date for years and years, get married and only months later end up seperating. Your cousin and her FI have as good a chance as anyone at a happy future if they put in the work. It's really not for anyone to judge. Marriage is the great equalizer..it totally changes the game...nothing is ever for certain when you enter into that chapter...that goes for you, her and everyone else.

Remember, the rest of the world doesn't turn on your axis. And you cannot messure anyone elses relationship against your own. I understand your frusteration you've been waiting for a long time, but you're directing it at the wrong person. Perhaps you should be expressing these feelings to the one person who can change your LIW status instead of taking it out on other people who have nothing to do with your perdicament. I know you say you're happy for her...but your tone suggests otherwise. You should bitter and jealous (just my opinion, though). Don't be that way...you wouldn't want anyone else secretly harboring those feelings against you.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 7/4/2009 3:13:22 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

While a lot of people might say or think ''wow, only 6 weeks...good luck to them...'' thinking it''s a total joke because they couldn''t possibly know each other well enough to make that sort of commitment, their ''marriage'' will probably be a total crap shoot. But the fact is, its all a crap shoot. Some people date for years and years, get married and only months later end up seperating. Your cousin and her FI have as good a chance as anyone at a happy future if they put in the work.

Amen to the whole post but especially the highlighted part.

Great points as usual Italia.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/4/2009 6:54:28 PM
Author: Porridge

Date: 7/4/2009 3:13:22 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

While a lot of people might say or think 'wow, only 6 weeks...good luck to them...' thinking it's a total joke because they couldn't possibly know each other well enough to make that sort of commitment, their 'marriage' will probably be a total crap shoot. But the fact is, its all a crap shoot. Some people date for years and years, get married and only months later end up seperating. Your cousin and her FI have as good a chance as anyone at a happy future if they put in the work.

Amen to the whole post but especially the highlighted part.

Great points as usual Italia.

Ditto!! I used to work in a divorce court and I know some of the statistics. The stats that I've actually seen (not just assumed based on my own opinion) show that there are plenty of couples who live together for YEARS before getting married and their marriages barely lasted a couple of years, so go figure...I wish your cousin all the best for a long and happy marriage.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/4/2009 7:14:47 PM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 7/4/2009 6:54:28 PM
Author: Porridge

Date: 7/4/2009 3:13:22 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

While a lot of people might say or think ''wow, only 6 weeks...good luck to them...'' thinking it''s a total joke because they couldn''t possibly know each other well enough to make that sort of commitment, their ''marriage'' will probably be a total crap shoot. But the fact is, its all a crap shoot. Some people date for years and years, get married and only months later end up seperating. Your cousin and her FI have as good a chance as anyone at a happy future if they put in the work.

Amen to the whole post but especially the highlighted part.

Great points as usual Italia.

Ditto!! I used to work in a divorce court and I know some of the statistics. The stats that I''ve actually seen (not just assumed based on my own opinion) show that there are plenty of couples who live together for YEARS before getting married and their marriages barely lasted a couple of years, so go figure...I wish your cousin all the best for a long and happy marriage.

Thanks ladies!

I think people have a huge misconception when it comes to people getting engaged/married quickly. Look at arranged marriages...true, they aren''t culturally popular here in the States...but for those that do practice them, most are successful and end in life long happiness. In many cases, those put together in an agreed upon marriage barely know each other--days between meeting and marriage.

And I''ll admit, I do take offense when people look down on quick/hasty engagements and put them in the "fail" catagory because it''s not "traditional". I always grew up thinking "you date for a year, get engaged, plan a wedding for a year, get married"...it took me for a huge surprised when a mere 3 months into my relationships I was engaged. And just because we were engaged three months in, doesn''t mean we didn''t talk about it and plan for it months before. We technically bought my ring 6 weeks into dating each other. Realistically, I know we moved at light speed...but, it worked for us...so what is wrong with that? I guess that''s what made us work...we thought outside of the box.