How important is chemistry?

[Nomsdeplume]

So my friend I and I were speculating and discussing my failed relationship and moronic ex, and came to the conclusion that I never date nice guys. I know tons of nice guys who would make great boyfriends but I never feel a spark with any of them. The men I do feel a spark with are all the same, good looking, confident, a bit cocky, a bit mysterious. The bad boy.
So if this trend continues I''m doomed to date a-holes for all eternity. But I also feel that if I decided to try dating a nice guy I might never feel that spark and always feel like I''m "settling". Apparently the chemistry fades anyway, but I don''t know if that''s true. Won''t there always be something "missing" in the relationship?
I''m not ready to get back into the dating game yet, but I''m wondering if I always set myself up to fail.
Any thoughts on the importance of chemistry between two people?

 

[babycush]

I was just having a conversation on this exact subject with a friend of mine on Friday night. In her situation, I think that she is stuck in the past with her old on-again-off-again boyfriend that even when she does go on dates with new guys who she would be perfectly compatible with, she doesn''t feel the ''spark''. I believe for her, she won''t be able to feel true chemistry with someone new until she has gotten more distance from her ex. If she thinks there is a chance they will still get back together, she is subconsciously blowing off any possible future boyfriend.

Obviously everyone is different, but does any of that ring true with you?

 

[MissMina]

I think chemistry is essential.
I dated bad boys for years before marrying
a nice guy. Everybody had told me to marry
my best friend so I did.
But there was no spark for either of us.
It was a very lonely and empty life
without true intimacy.
Eventually I had to leave.
He has remarried. I haven''t

 

[LilyKat]

My honest opinion?

Of course chemistry is important. You can't have a marriage or any romantic relationship without attraction. But for people with healthy emotional and relationship patterns who value themselves, chemistry goes hand in hand with liking and respecting someone and being treated well. If I could only feel chemistry for someone who treated me badly (a "bad boy" in that sense of the word), then I would start to look at MYSELF and where I was going wrong, rather than trying to force myself to be with someone I didn't feel a spark for.

I don't mean to come across as critical. What I'm trying to say is, you certainly AREN'T doomed to a life of either men who treat you badly or no chemistry. But the key will come through exploring and changing yourself.

 

[4ever]

Maybe you need to give a nice guy a chance and see if the chemistry develops?

Attraction and chemitstry to me is different. Attraction is mostly shallow, you like the bad boy because of his confidence, good looks and an aura of mystery. However, chemistry is what you get when you have a convisation with someone that just flows effortlessly, you realise that you "click" together and are both enjoying the moment. Then you start to realise, this guy is pretty good looking, smart etc etc and BOOM chemistry.

 

[MermaidKelly]

I also think chemistry is super important, but I agree with 4ever that attracton and chemistry are different. Attraction is the inital spark/butterflies and the chemistry comes over time. Chemistry is when you just feel...almost KNOW that the person is right for you.

As for chemistry fading, I hope not. I''ve been with my guy for almost two years, and our feelings are still going strong.

 

[cally]

I agree with LilyKat.

 

[jewelz617]

I''d say it''s important.

I dated a guy who had previously been a friend. He was funny, cute, we were interested in a lot of the same things, but I wasn''t crazy about him. He turned out to be a real horse''s patootie, so it''s better it ended. We had no chemistry.

Then when I met my husband, it was like *click* here''s the guy! He was nice, but not plain vanilla either. He held my interest and kept it. He still does!

I think at a certain stage in life, girls want a bad boy because we want the sense of accomplishment that we rose above all those who have tried before, and can tame him. Of course it never works out that way does it! There''s no need to settle, you just haven''t felt the click yet.

 

[trillionaire]

Good advice going in this thread. My FI and I have been together for 6+ yrs, and will marry on our 7th anniversary. The ''chemistry'' has not faded at all! However, he is not ''my type'' in terms of anything except the important things. We were friends for years before we dated, and it was only through our friendship that I was able to appreciate him. I doubted our chemistry, but, erm, I was ALL WRONG! I would emphasize to anyone that you should spend a lot of time getting to know, and preferably observing someone in many situations... see how they treat people and how they interact with others. How do they interact with their family, or children, or people who are not like them. And don''t force anything. If it''s not right, it just isn''t...

 

[audball]

I have to agree that chemistry is important. But I feel you're getting something wrong here to start with. The difference between attraction and chemistry as a few other posters have said. Attraction is that "instant connection" feeling when first meeting someone or that develops out of a friendship. Chemistry is something that develops over time out of a combination of that attraction, friendship, romantic feelings, and compatibility.

S and I have been together coming up on 5 years this year. We were just friends for the first few months that we'd met. I had no interest in him, he had no interest in me. We studied in a math group and hung out as friends, did things together, spent a lot of time together, but at first, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sure he wasn't bad looking, and he'd tell you I wasn't so bad myself, but it just wasn't the time. After a few months of spending time together, we developed an attraction to each other that was more that that initial meeting. It was an attraction to who we were, not (only) what we looked like. So over these couple months our friendship grew, our attraction grew strong, romantic feelings mutually developed, and BAM! We had some serious chemistry. Nearly 5 years later, we're still hot for eachother.

FYI-- he's my first (and only) nice guy

 

[luckynumber]

I was not attracted to my BF when I met him.

I could see that he was attractive, why other girls would like him but i didn''t think he was sensible husband material.

Alright for a bit of a fling but that''s it.

So i ignored him.

He kept coming back.

Turns out we have amazing chemistry and an unbelievable connection. I just didnt see it at first. Now i feel a bit sick thinking about what I almost lost.

You have to give the ones you don''t think are your type, a chance.

Otherwise you''re doomed to repeat the same pattern again and again.

If there really is no chemistry, don''t settle. Move on. But don''t repeat the same mistakes.

 

[kittybean]

Chemistry is important. I think you''ll always feel like you''re settling if you don''t have some sort of "spark." I don''t think the spark has to come from initial attraction, though; it might come later, once you''ve gotten to know the person and realize that you "click" with him.

I feel like I was in your shoes before I met my now-DH. I had gone through a bunch of guys that either 1) bored me or 2) were absolute jerks. The ones I liked best, of course, were always the jerks. When I met DH, I thought he was definitely going to fit into that same category. He was cute, fun, confident, smart, and hilarious--usually a recipe for disaster in my experience. I started to get to know him and realized there was a real, faithful, courageous, kind, principled person under the surface. We seemed to bring out a lot of the good in one another. He has a lot of the attributes of the type of guy I was always attracted to, but he also is a good person and has the conviction to live his life as he believes he should. We have a lot of chemistry and spark four years later, but we also have a lot of respect for one another.

I think that for you, it''ll probably come down to two things. First, you have to make sure you aren''t settling for someone who doesn''t treat you in the way you''d like to be treated. Don''t let that mysterious guy get away with making mysterious excuses for not treating you the way he should. If you question his sincerity and his regard for you, it''s time to let that one go. Second, maybe reevaluate your standards. While the bad boy might have been what you needed before, he''s not necessarily right for you at this point in your life. I think that, to some extent, you can change who you find attractive. I know so many girls who are turned off as soon as a guy is caring, respectful, and nice to them because they automatically characterize him as someone who''s no longer a challenge. A challenge does not equal relationship bliss most of the time. I''m not saying you should date doormats, but don''t cross someone off the list for being kind to you. Chemistry isn''t always instant.

Hope that''s helpful in some way to you. When you''re ready, I hope you find someone who adores you but doesn''t bore you.

 

[cally]

I agree, it''s also hard to tell sometimes who you will and won''t have chemistry with. I turned my boyfriend down a few times before just agreeing to go on a date with him, because he was nice, and I wasn''t doing anything... five years later and it was probably one of the smarter decisions I''ve ever made.

I can''t even tell you why I turned him down a few times, except he reminded me of my best friend''s brother (not the best reason to write someone off) and he seemed a little cocky (which turned out to not be true at all).

 

[monkeyprincess]

I definitely don''t think you have to choose between sparks and a nice guy. I had instant sparks with my fiance, but he is also a really nice guy too. And I totally get the attraction to the cocky, charming guys because that is always what I went for as well. In my fiance, I found a nice balance. He is confident and charming without being too arrogant or aloof, and he has such a tender heart. So I got the best of both worlds. It never hurts to evaluate your decisions and why you are attracted to certain types of guys, but don''t assume you will have to sacrifice sparks to find a guy who will treat you right.

 

[elrohwen]

When I start dating DH, we definitely had chemistry, but it was more like really good friends who are flirting chemistry - not white hot passion or anything. I honestly think most white hot passion relationships are doomed because they just fizzle out (clearly not everyone is like this, but I would say a good percentage from my experience). But there's a big difference between that kind of passion and not feeling any sexual attraction for somebody. I think there's a nice middle ground where there is attraction, but you also realize that you're dating a nice guy - not Don Juan.

I think it's a myth of our culture that a relationship isn't good if it doesn't have white hot passion. People are looking for a fairy tale that might exist for 2% of the population (I'm guessing maybe 2% of these passionate relationships actually last). It's easy to find the passion, but when it fizzles out you're just left looking for someone else. I wouldn't suggest settling, but I would suggest looking for a more subdued passion that will last a lifetime.

eta: I also think chemistry develops. I was friends with DH for 2 years before dating and in that time neither of us ever considered dating the other. Then one day it just hit us and we've been together ever since. I think these things can grow with time (though I certainly wouldn't marry someone hoping that chemistry would develop, but I might go on a few dates with this person to find out).

 

[Hera]

I agree with Lilykat.

There is no coincidence that you end up with the bad boy if it''s a pattern that keeps repeating. The answer lies in finding why you are attracted to them. I have quite a few friends that are constantly attracted to them and I am always left wondering why they don''t feel they deserve better etc. What life experience are they playing out? I think when you are drawn to a person, you should take a moment and think about why you are so attracted to them. Going to therapy to explore his situation would probably help you get clarity because life''s too short for bad relationships!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

You know, what was strange about my ex was that he turned out to have a lot of the same problems my father did. I don''t have any relationship with my father at all, I barely ever knew him and it was his choice to be an absent and abusive father and husband. But I would hate to think that I''m the girl with typical "daddy issues". How can I pick someone like my father if I don''t even know my father?
I don''t really want to go to therapy just because "my dad never loved me boo hoo." I''d like to think I''m over that.
Not all the guys I date are exactly like him, but there are similarities: they are emotionally absent, cheaters, abusive or addicts.
I''ve always been terrified of ending up in a marriage like my mother was. Maybe I''m self-sabotaging to avoid marriage altogether.
Wow this is getting deep.

 

[Pushin40]

Can I just say, Kribbie, yes... this is really deep. I also think that since your head is starting to go this way, it''s worth taking a closer look at. I''ve had a lot of therapy, and I will never fully heal, but if you recognize some things about yourself, I can guarentee it''s backed up by your childhood and other life experiences. EVERYONE needs the love of BOTH their mother and their father. EVERYONE. Unfortunatley, not all fo us get that. And when you don''t, it''s another thing that shapes us into who we are.

Please think about it....therapy can be so helpful. "Daddy didn''t love me" certainly qualifies as important enough, you don''t need to downplay that kind of rejection. Trust me. I think your post is the beginning of recognizign and CHANGING your behavior.

I defintley have "Daddy" issues, and some suprising Mommy issues too, related to family dynamics and things that I didn''t know were going on. My sister was horribly verbally abused by my mother, and I never knew. In my case, both parents are gone, so I have no choice but to move on, there is nothing I can do to change anything. It is what it is and I forgive both of my parents. They were faulted human beings just like anyone else can be, and I have taken them off their pedistles. But it took a long time to get over some things.

As for your original email - yes I do think Chemistry is important. YOU WILL find the non-bad-boy-guy, you just haven''t found him yet! Remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the Prince! I

Try to date a few guys that you don''t think you are interested in....you may suprise yoruself!

 

[LilyKat]

oops, double post.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 2/8/2010 6:05:54 AM
Author: kribbie
You know, what was strange about my ex was that he turned out to have a lot of the same problems my father did. I don''t have any relationship with my father at all, I barely ever knew him and it was his choice to be an absent and abusive father and husband. But I would hate to think that I''m the girl with typical ''daddy issues''. How can I pick someone like my father if I don''t even know my father?

I don''t really want to go to therapy just because ''my dad never loved me boo hoo.'' I''d like to think I''m over that.

Not all the guys I date are exactly like him, but there are similarities: they are emotionally absent, cheaters, abusive or addicts.

I''ve always been terrified of ending up in a marriage like my mother was. Maybe I''m self-sabotaging to avoid marriage altogether.

Wow this is getting deep.

Kribbie... this was EXACTLY what I had in mind when I wrote my reply. I even thought about asking you if you had an absent or abusive father, but didn''t want to put you on the spot. I''m glad you''ve shared this.

It''s not as simple as "finding a guy like daddy". The way it works is that we unconsciously seek out people like those who let us down in the past, to have another chance at fixing the relationship. The fact that you have made this link by yourself, and are open to considering it might be having an effect on your current situation, means you''ve taken the first step to resolving the problem.

 

[Aloros]

I think therapy can be incredibly helpful. And it isn''t always ''boo hoo'' this or that, but it can help you get a better look at where you''ve been and where you''re headed. I think chemistry and attraction are important parts of a relationship and that they are not necessarily instantaneous.

On the other hand, kindness and a lack of selfishness are also important, because without them the relationship won''t last (unless one person is seriously lacking in self-respect).

 

[kberrie22]

I agree that chemistry is important, but there is a difference between that instant *spark* and the love you develop for someone over time. I feel a deeper love for my SO now (after going thru lifes ups and downs) than I did when I first met him. When you become old as we all will (and I am talking in your 70''s and above) looks will have faded and what will be left will hopefully be a strong marriage, something that will last the test of time.

A little backround on me, when I went on vacation with my SO to mexico I got really REALLY sick, like need to go to the hospital right away kind of sick. He was the one who was there thru it all for me, holding the garbage bag in the cab for me to well..you know what in on the ride to the hospital (a foreign hospital no less which was freaking me out because I did not speak the language!). He was there waking up in the middle of the night to help translate for me what the nurses were giving me and help me speak to the doctor. He held me as I lay there sobbing wanting nothing but to get back to america where I felt more comfortable. He even carried all my bags (one of which was QUITE heavy) as i was wheeled around the airport (and thru customs) on the way back. This was the moment I realized that no matter the wait, I wanted to marry this man, this was also the moment that my infatuation and initial feeling of love for him turned to a feeling of deep love, the kind that can last the test of time. In that moment I knew that if I could wait for him to feel ready to propose I would be in for the love that only comes around once in a while. I guess I kinda rambled on there but the point is nice guy or not, you want to know you are with someone who, when you are in your later years will be there for you no matter what happens, good or bad, makeup or no makeup I am sure most of the gals aready engaged/ married on here probably have similar stories where they realized they wanted to marry the man they did.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Chemistry does not always fade. I can tell you that from experience. I''ve had chemistry with the same man for over 24 years. If you are friends first, chemistry can follow. If there''s chemistry, but no mutual respect and nothing in common, failure is to be expected.

 

[rierie26]

Date: 2/7/2010 11:31:39 AM
Author:kribbie
So my friend I and I were speculating and discussing my failed relationship and moronic ex, and came to the conclusion that I never date nice guys. I know tons of nice guys who would make great boyfriends but I never feel a spark with any of them. The men I do feel a spark with are all the same, good looking, confident, a bit cocky, a bit mysterious. The bad boy.

So if this trend continues I''m doomed to date a-holes for all eternity. But I also feel that if I decided to try dating a nice guy I might never feel that spark and always feel like I''m ''settling''. Apparently the chemistry fades anyway, but I don''t know if that''s true. Won''t there always be something ''missing'' in the relationship?

I''m not ready to get back into the dating game yet, but I''m wondering if I always set myself up to fail.

Any thoughts on the importance of chemistry between two people?

I think the initial rush of excitement fades, but chemistry should always remain. Chemistry doesn''t necessarily have to be instantaneous. Say you meet this nice guy and he''s nice enough, he''s attractive, but you don''t feel that spark. It could always come later, once you get to know him. I''m not saying settle, but don''t rule out the a nice guy if the spark isn''t there right away.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I have had my fair share of bad boys. Sigh. I am a sucker for them, apparently. SO, with that being said; I had myself a little "talking to" if you will. I decided it was time. I was going to date someone COMPLETELY out of my "norm" range. Super nice guy. I mean the kind of guy that would add more ice cubes to your drink if he saw you were low, sweet. I went out of town for a college reunion and he watched my dog for me. When I came back, the few dishes I had in the sink were washed and the trash was taken out. That is how sweet he was. Perfect gentleman and on every level and on paper, it should have been there. I just didn''t feel the "spark", we had a lot in common but the chemistry wasn''t there. I broke up with him and a few days later met J. Granted, we haven''t been together that long, but our chemistry is undeniable. He is very confident and smart and very good looking, almost to where it intimidates me but for some reason we just click. We have phone and face to face conversations for HOURS, literally, everyday. We just never run out of things to talk about, also there is a physical attraction that is a must, IMO. J asked me one day what I looked for in someone; quite honestly I answered “my best friend who I can''t keep my hands off of". I think that pretty much sums it up. I think the patience to wait for that person gets in the way of most "settling", it is hard and not easy but at the same time. While I agree, lust fades, true love comes when you are not in that honeymoon phase and still enjoy that persons company and WANT to be with them all the time. I feel like a lot of women fall into the phase of talking themselves into being with someone because he is the nice guy, when there is something lacking.