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How far would you go (or have gone) to have a child if you could not have one "naturally?"

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I can''t say exactly how I would feel if I was in the situation, maybe differently than I think! DH and I didn''t really talk about it, but I know we were okay with adoption.

Now having had one child biologically, me feelings have changed a bit. I was an only child and know that it is no great hardship not to have siblings. In fact, sometimes I think we should tempt fate by having a second, since our son is such a joyfull easy baby... makes me think number 2 would have to be a very challenging child to balance the scales
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In reality, though, I know we would be fine with clomid, IUI, and perhaps IVF. I think we would draw the line at doner eggs (no one mentioned that option, but I know it exists), doner sperm, and surrogacy.

Although DH has mentioned that if his sperm were an issue then he would like to ask one of his brothers to donate... I like this brother and think he is smart and funny and responsible, so I would consider this (though I can''t imagine the family complications!). The other brother... not so much!
 
Interesting question, because DH & I are facing this right now. Our first child was a total "surprise," so we didn''t think we''d have trouble conceiving a second.

However, we have been trying since October, but I almost totally stopped ovulating (I''ve only had 2 periods since November). I''ve been seeing doctors nonstop, and was just diagnosed with PCOS, on top of Hashimoto''s disease, which I was already in treatment for. Both of those disorders can cause infertility. Our doctors are honestly shocked that we were able to concieve DS (while using condoms!) without medical intervention the first time around, so we consider him a gift of fate.

So, we''ve talked about it, and I may go on Clomid or Metformin, but that''s about as far as we would take it. Maybe it''s because we already have one wonderful child, but we feel like maybe this is fate''s way of telling us that one is enough for us, even though we would like two ... We have decided that would not do artificial insemination, IVF, or a surrogate, and DH is not interested in adoption, so if the Clomid doesn''t work, I think we''re done.
 
I would try once or twice invitro, if that doesnt work, adoption.
 
I was never sure I wanted children and was very upfront with DH about that before we married. I knew he did want 1 or 2 kids. After a couple years of marriage, I started reconsidering because I wondered if I would regret it when I was much older and it was too late, although I was not having any big urges to have a baby at the time. DH and I agreed I would go off the pill and we would just see what happened -- either I would get pregnant or I would not. I ended up getting pregnant the second month we were trying, despite a family history of fertility problems! If we had not gotten PG so quickly, I would have started charting (I was keeping track of when each cycle began, but nothing more detailed). We probably would have gotten tested after several months, but I don''t know if we would have gone any further. We might have tried IUI, but probably not hormones or IVF, and definitely not a surrogate because of the cost and lack of control.

We are considering trying for a second child 2 years from now (because of my job it would not be good to get PG again before 2011). However, we would be very happy with just DD, so we would not go to great lengths for a second baby.
 
I would try IVF - and I think the only thing that would stop me from IVF would be if I didn''t have enough money, but if I did, I would try it as many times as I could. I don''t think I would want to try artificial insemination or a surrogate, but I really don''t know how I would feel in that situation.
 
Well SO and I have had this discussion since I was recently diagnosed with PCOS. We will definitely use Clomid and metformin if necessary. We aren't sure about IVF yet but would most likely give at least one try. We would never do surrogacy - neither one of us could handle it emotionally.

We would both be willing to adopt if biological children aren't in our future. SO's mom is adopted and SO's brother plans to adopt in the future so our child would feel completely normal in the family.
 
This is a very interesting topic, since my DH and I have been facing this for -- oh -- the past 2 years, or so.

I never thought I'd have trouble conceiving and carrying a baby full term...so when the reality hit me 2 years ago that getting pregnant (and then staying pregnant) would be a challange, I was torn apart to bits. While this isn't exactly an uncommon problem for many women...not being able to get pregnant was totally Greek to me.

My DH and I have explored every possible senario of having a baby...some we're comfortable with, others we're not. For instance, we will not do surrogacy--that isn't something I'm comfortable with. But, we've stock piled money on the off chance we want to adopt (average adoption in IL runs 50k...and often times much, much more--since you essentially pay for the woman lifestyle...medical bills, clothing, housing, food and more)

For us, money isn't even an issue. It's more the emotional wear and tear. Every time I have miscarried it was like a I wanted to die...I just want to turn off the part of me that wants a baby. I just want to find a way to be happy without needing a baby. And the longer this goes on and on and on without any progress, the closer I become to saying, this life is enough.

So, to directly answer your question...I will spend all of my money, go through anything, travel any distance, pump my body full of whatever it takes...but when my heart cannot break anymore (and I do trust that I'll know when that point comes) I will stop.
 
Date: 5/27/2009 3:41:34 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
So, to directly answer your question...I will spend all of my money, go through anything, travel any distance, pump my body full of whatever it takes...but when my heart cannot break anymore (and I do trust that I''ll know when that point comes) I will stop.
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That''s when I stopped (trying to have a second child). And you will know when that time comes Italia.
 
TG we think much the same as you guys.... I know that not everyone agrees and it's definitely not to say that people who can't have kids wouldn't make the most wonderful parents, but inside I feel like if it doesn't happen naturally then maybe it's just not meant to be for us. I also have seen others go through diff procedures and levels of treatment and not only is it incredibly expensive but it's so emotionally wearing. Not sure we could take it.
 
Date: 5/27/2009 7:17:41 PM
Author: Mara
TG we think much the same as you guys.... I know that not everyone agrees and it's definitely not to say that people who can't have kids wouldn't make the most wonderful parents, but inside I feel like if it doesn't happen naturally then maybe it's just not meant to be for us. I also have seen others go through diff procedures and levels of treatment and not only is it incredibly expensive but it's so emotionally wearing. Not sure we could take it.
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Hi Mara!
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Sometimes it can be a very simple thing that is preventing pregnancy, and once remedied, it can happen very quickly and naturally. It doesn't hurt to get the intial checking done, to see if there is something simple that can be fixed. After that, it becomes a very individual choice about how far to proceed.

There are so many children that are born easily to those who don't want them, or don't take care of them, but that doesn't mean that they were meant to have them, imo.
 
Date: 5/27/2009 3:41:34 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
This is a very interesting topic, since my DH and I have been facing this for -- oh -- the past 2 years, or so.


I never thought I''d have trouble conceiving and carrying a baby full term...so when the reality hit me 2 years ago that getting pregnant (and then staying pregnant) would be a challange, I was torn apart to bits. While this isn''t exactly an uncommon problem for many women...not being able to get pregnant was totally Greek to me.


My DH and I have explored every possible senario of having a baby...some we''re comfortable with, others we''re not. For instance, we will not do surrogacy--that isn''t something I''m comfortable with. But, we''ve stock piled money on the off chance we want to adopt (average adoption in IL runs 50k...and often times much, much more--since you essentially pay for the woman lifestyle...medical bills, clothing, housing, food and more)


For us, money isn''t even an issue. It''s more the emotional wear and tear. Every time I have miscarried it was like a I wanted to die...I just want to turn off the part of me that wants a baby. I just want to find a way to be happy without needing a baby. And the longer this goes on and on and on without any progress, the closer I become to saying, this life is enough.


So, to directly answer your question...I will spend all of my money, go through anything, travel any distance, pump my body full of whatever it takes...but when my heart cannot break anymore (and I do trust that I''ll know when that point comes) I will stop.
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Amen sister, Amen.
 
Since I''m not ready to start trying just yet, I can''t say for sure. However, if I came to find out I couldn''t have children naturally, I''d probably try fertility treatments (if I could afford it). If that didn''t work, I''d try to adopt. I think I''d stop there if those two options didn''t work.
 
I myself am adopted, and have also adopted our first child. Both DH and I have fertility issues (his are more serious than mine- mine is PCOS), and we did try IUI. I don''t believe in IVF, and wish that we hadn''t wasted our time and money on the IUI. We should''ve just gone straight to adoption, though perhaps if we had, we wouldn''t have our beautiful daughter.

I''m sure there are adoptees who have issues, but no more than biological children, and rarely do you hear people say they don''t want to chance having bio children for fear of whatever issues.

Adoption can be expensive, but there are grants that can assist. For us, IVF (not that it was an option) would''ve been more expensive.
 
To keep it vague, a friend of a friend went through all sorts of methods to conceive and when it finally took she had twins. Turns out her body was trying to tell her she couldn''t handle being pregnant but technology allowed it to be so. Now she is taking care of twins and she hardly has the energy or heart strength to get up and walk to another room and she''ll be on certain medications for life. This has led to my skepticism of artificial methods.
 
I think if we didn''t have one naturally, we would adopt. I don''t think we would go through ivf or surrogacy.
 
Before TTC, DH and I had discussed this and decided that if it didn''t happen then that was fine, we liked our life and lots of our friends are child-free by choice.

However once we started TTC and I got the BFNs the first month (and we only started trying half way through that cycle), and the feelings I had during the second month, I''m not sure that I could have been so black and white like I was before.

I was lucky to come from a family where most of the women have to try extra-hard not to get pregnant, and extremely lucky to get KU on the second cycle.

Now that our daughter is here, I am over the moon that we made the decision to have her (despite the various nightmares it all entailed), although we won''t be having another.

So, knowing what I now know I would probably go as far as IVF, but not donor sperm or eggs and definitely not surrogacy (although I do think that growing babies in jam jars would be a great thing). We wouldn''t be allowed to adopt so it''s an option that I have never considered. I would set a limit on the number of IVF cycles I would put myself and DH through though.
 
I think this is one of those questions (like most in life) I would not know the answer unless I was in the situation.
 
This is exactly where we are in our lives right now. And while I think we''ll stick to what we''ve always felt is best, and according to our morals/values, it''s *very* tempting when you''re in the situation to see those lines you wouldn''t want to cross get a little fuzzy.

For us, Clomid is something we would consider (and are using) as a means of helping my body to ovulate as it should, which is not an uncommon issue for any number of women. I don''t think that by using Clomid a person is trying to change the order of things or that a person is trying to make something un-natural happen. Other posters have commented on how it can sometimes be just a mere matter of some *tweaking* being in order to get things to line up right. I agree with that and find nothing "wrong" with taking a hormone to assist in regulation of the cycle. There are side effects to the medication, although they are extremely minor for most women--myself included. If I was having some of the uncommon adverse reactions, I would not take the medication as my health is important, too.

The lines blur (for us) when you start looking into IUI and IVF. At this point, we know we would never use IVF (simply because of the feelings we have on conception and when a child is conceived, and when that child is actually a child and not merely a clump of cells, etc.) and we had always said that IUI wouldn''t be an option for us, either. There''s that blurry line though. Now that we''re at a point where that may become something that is introduced to us as an option, it''s so much easier to find reasons why it would be okay, a good option, etc. And truthfully, IUI can be used without injectibles and other more medical means, but in some ways, I know I would always feel like I was *cheating* if our baby was conceived in that manner.

Very odd. I don''t think anyone ever knows what they will do with completely clear lines before they enter this situation. It''s so emotional, and when your desire for parenthood is so strong, it''s sometimes hard to stop at the line you created to begin with. I think when people have strong beliefs/morals/values about conception/creation, that can make the lines more clear. But still, it''s a hard spot to be at.

And one I never thought we''d come to.
 
Great topic.
Im a new mom of ivf twins so its clear we''d go that far...but...I would not have used donor eggs/sperm. Adoption would have been a blurry issue bc of how difficult the process is (and expensive)...I was always so angry that it costs so much to do smthg so great!...surrogacy also blurry..depending on the surrogate..whether it was someone we knew or not.

If the 1st ivf wouldn''t have worked...I would have tried until it did!...money would have been found somewhere and somehow to do so.
I understand the feelings of those that wouldn''t do ivf but for me its simple....almost everything in life is somehow manmade or somehow intervened by man..and this is no different...this is just a vehicle for the process ..the process itself stays the same..still being created in the same way it was intended ...the place is just different.
 
We have had a discussion about this. I wouldn''t rule out IVF (well money probably would, but I am sure family would help out). My family has a hereditary kidney condition and DF and I discussed using egg donation. It was something that both of us felt wasn''t for us and decided we would rather adopt, than do this. We did discuss this at genetic counselling. In the UK you can''t get paid for egg donation and egg donors are so rare. We were told we would struggle to find a donated egg as the waiting list is so long, however if we got somebody to donate on our behalf, we would go higher up on the waiting list. This was interesting, however, I would never ask a friend to do this for me.
 
Date: 5/27/2009 2:08:37 AM
Author: musey


At what point would you think that you might not be destined to have children?
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I wouldn''t, but I don''t buy into destiny.

If the fertility treatments (clomid and the like) didn''t work, we would just take it as a sign that my body isn''t capable or carrying a child and that adoption is the right road for us.

My ability to conceive has nothing to do with my ability to be a parent.
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All of these postings have been so interesting to read. I very much relate to the post included above.

Before we got going on starting a family, I remember taking a road trip somewhere, having this very conversation with my husband. At the time, despite the fact that I have always, without waiver wanted a family, said that if things didn''t work out naturally, then I did not want to undergo fertility treatments including IUI and IVF. For me, at that point, the alternative was adoption.

Well, we are now at that point - our attempts to make a wee bundle have not been successful - and the decision of what to do next is more complicated than I expected. Driving along that highway over a year ago, I underestimated just how strongly I desire to have the experience of pregnancy. And there are also the considerations of my husband''s feelings on this issue which are a bit different from my own.

For some, these choices may be clear cut. For us, it''s a very difficult path to navigate.
 
we'd give it a go naturally. we said we'd stop at that if we'd run into problems. but honestly, who knows how we'd feel if that situation were to occur.
 
Date: 5/29/2009 9:25:59 AM
Author: lovelylulu
And there are also the considerations of my husband''s feelings on this issue which are a bit different from my own.
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I totally agree with your statement. I always knew that were I to have kids, I would include adoption as the means. I wouldn''t have married my husband if he didn''t agree to adoption. If he disagreed with adoption, it obviously would''ve made things a lot harder (though like I said, we wouldn''t be married!).

Personally, doing IUI was MUCH more difficult than the process of adoption. The medication, the 3 or 4 dr''s visits per week, the blood draws and the nasty hematomas that resulted, the vaginal sonograms, injecting medication in my stomach...I was sooo relieved when we called it quits. I really had no desire to be pregnant, and still don''t. I guess adoption really was right for me!
 
if we couldn''t conceive naturally, we would adopt. i would be devastated, but I feel that there is a reason for everything and if my body couldn''t reproduce, then so be it. such a difficult thing.
 
i def agree re: easy to some not meaning they were meant to be great parents heather, we see that all the time in the news.
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but in general, yes i''d get the tests and make sure everything was working okay...but as far as treatments etc, go...i don''t think we''d go down that path. of course as others have said you don''t know til you are there, but i would probably just raise a farm of rescue westies or something in leiu.
 
This is an incredibly timely topic, TGal, as DH and I are having talks about this right now, and discussing when I should go off of BC.

We''ve decided that if it doesn''t happen by itself, it''s not meant to happen for us. Of course, this is assuming the same mental state I''m in now, and not one highly charged up on TTC feelings.
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I think for #1 I would've gone pretty far. At least up to IVF. At IVF stage, DH and I would have to seriously talk about it, more for financial implications and statistical realities (i.e. how many times?).

For #2, I think if it didn't happen naturally, we'd probably leave it at that. But who knows, once you decide to TTC, you start imagining that child and then it's harder to say you won't try everything. But for now, that's how I feel.

I would not adopt though, or have any kind of surrogate,etc. That's just my honest answer.
 
We would adopt. We would choose adoption over natural childbirth. Kids need parents. If we decide to parent, we will find some kids to welcome into our lives!
 
IVF. I''ve done it 4 times. #3 resulted in our son. We are 100% done with all types of fertility treatments. We were so blessed to have a doc that was on the same page as we were regarding the ethical issues involved.

We also would love and always would have loved to adopt. Definitely still on the table.
 
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