Wedding How do you keep a small wedding small?!!!!!

[redfaerythinker]

Hi everybody. I feel kinda bad asking because I mainly lurk on this board. I was so active in LIW but since then I''ve gotten a Mac and it doesn''t like Pricescope!

I''ve been using Firefox but it''s WAAAAAY to slow. However I now have access to a PC everyday so I can post more. YAY

So on to my question. My fiance and I have decided to have a small wedding. Or so we thought. We tried to make a list and even just counting blood relatives it''s over 40 people. My mom thinks that we won''t be able to get all the "must invites" to anything lower than about 80! I''m flipping out because I really want to save money and I also really don''t want to have 150 pairs of eyes (the original guest count) staring at me all day.

So does anybody have any ideas on how to cut the numbers?

 

[CNOS128]

My mac does okay with Pricescope - I use Firefox, too! Hmm...

Anyhow, we''re not having such a small wedding, but it''s fairly easy for us to keep numbers down because we don''t have very large families.
My fiance has a relatively big extended family, but we''re not inviting anyone from his family whom I haven''t met (except some cousins in Europe) -- and even though we wanted to invite one of his second cousins (+ husband), we opted not to because we felt we''d have to invite her brother and sister as well.

I''ve known people who cut their list to those they''d seen in the last year, as well.

Or - you could just put all the names in a hat and choose 50!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You have to p*ss some family members off

I kid--we were lucky because neither D nor I are close to family members on our moms'' sides of the family, so we were only inviting paternal relatives, but even then we had to figure out a cutoff point. Outside of immedate family we only invited aunts, uncles and cousins we were close to--to keep it small we couldn''t go down the "if you invite one cousin, you invite them all" road.

To be completely honest what I did was start with my Christmas card list. I knew that if I couldn''t be bothered to send the family member a Christmas card, they wouldn''t have any interest in coming to our wedding. I whittled the list down from there.

Would you be opposed to JUST keeping it to family? Even in that case you have over 40 people, so that might need to be the cutoff point...once you branch out to friends (I assume this is in the "must invite" category), the boundaries for who to invite become more unclear.

 

[neatfreak]

It''s really hard girl, you are not alone! (and BTW, the issues with Safari have now been fixed, you can post using it now if it''s easier!)

Anyway, I agree with NEL. Unfortunately some people might just get angry. I think that you and your FI need to sit down together, without your parents or IL''s and figure out what YOUR must invite list is (including relatives). That is the smallest your wedding is likely to be...then decide how many people over that you are willing to go to and say to each set of parents that they get X extra invites. They can use them for friends or relatives, but that is all they are getting.

That worked quite well for us actually...but having a small wedding was the biggest priority for us.

If your main problem is paying for all the extras say "you can invite X guests because that is all we can afford. If you want to invite more unfortunately you will have to foot the bill for them." Then they''ll probably realize that distant Aunt Sally isn''t THAT important after all!

 

[redfaerythinker]

Thanks for the speedy replies you guys!

TheBigT- I wish I could cut it to only people that we both have met but A. I have met almost none of his family. and B. My mother is very strict on etiquette and being polite and she won''t stand for it. I like the hat idea though!

NewEnglandLady- The main problem is that some of the people that we consider more family than some of our blood relatives wouldn''t make the cut. Such as the parents of my bridesmaids whom I have known for seventeen years would not be invited, as well as my fiance''s sister''s inlaws who have been so kind and generous to us. I never thought that I would have this problem as I come from a long line of only children. My initial concern was that I would have no one to stand on my side of the aisle!

neatfreak- OMG that is amazing about safari. I no longer have to lurk! WOHOOOO! I think that my fiance and I could whittle down the list by ourselves as you suggested. However my mother is footing the bill for this and as her only daughter I feel obligated to respect her wishes. It''s really stressing me out because I want certain things for my day and as the list gets bigger things have to get cheaper. And I don''t live in a cheap city. The average cost of a wedding is over 60K!!!!!

Oy. But great ideas everybody keep ''em coming!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Rule number one of getting the wedding you want (small or not) - say no.

You''re going to have to say no at some point.

It is tough because inevitably someone does get their feelings hurt, but what you need to ask yourself is who would you absolutely miss if they weren''t there? Well they''re the top of your list. Then, who do you feel you must invite? Invite as many of those as you can. Please remember this event is so very special and intimate..it''s not just an event after all because it''s the joining of your two lives. Who do you really want to be there when you do that? Hope this helps some!

 

[EricaR]

Gotta agree with the people who say "just say no". We wanted a super small wedding (as in 10 guests total!) so we invited parents, full siblings (FI has tons of half siblings) and two friends. That is it.

Cousin I haven''t seen in ten years? Off the list!
My mom''s sister who she is close to but I''m not? Off the list!
Sister''s skeevey boyfriend who I''ve only met once? Off the list!
Friend of FI''s dad that he''s know forever but FI barely knows? Off the list.

A lot of relatives aren''t happy about it, but that is OK - it is my wedding.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Just say no is the policy, I''m afraid.

To give FI and I a nice little "excuse" we intentionally chose a venue that had a maximum number of guests that hovered a small amount above what we considered our maximum. This made keeping our list on the small side much easier and a lot less guilt inducing

 

[muffindowd]

Our Mac works great on Pricescope!! Weird!!

Anyway I think you two just need to invite who is really important to YOU to have at your wedding...not who his mom says, your mom says, etc. Just invite the family members and friends you are closest to. People understand these things when it comes to weddings, especially in today's economy. Good luck with the guest list!! I know it's stressful!!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 10/22/2008 11:09:25 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
Just say no is the policy, I''m afraid.

To give FI and I a nice little ''excuse'' we intentionally chose a venue that had a maximum number of guests that hovered a small amount above what we considered our maximum. This made keeping our list on the small side much easier and a lot less guilt inducing

Hee hee.....we did this too!

We had our reception on a schooner, which is only Coast-Guard approved for 45 people. Not only was it much more what we wanted for a reception, but it helped to easily say "oh, we have to limit the guest list."

We had 29 people at our wedding, including us. Family invites went to parents (4), grandparent (1), and sibs/spouses (4). No aunts/uncles/cousins, etc. The other 18 were THISCLOSE friends that we socialize with consistently and see either weekly/monthly.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 10/22/2008 12:17:39 AM
Author: redfaerythinker
However my mother is footing the bill for this and as her only daughter I feel obligated to respect her wishes.

I think this is probably the sticking point here. If you and your FI were paying for the wedding yourselves, it would be a lot easier to "just say no" to extra guests...but as with everything in this world, money = power.

The suggestion for a small venue is a good one, but if your mom is footing the bill, it may not be feasible if she''ll veto anything that doesn''t fit her criteria. Unfortunately, this may be the price you and your FI have to pay unless you can persuade your mother otherwise (and from what you posted, that doesn''t sound likely).

My FI and I had planned to pay for our wedding ourselves, though my parents have generously said they will contribute. However, if they tried to call the shots, we would politely decline the contribution, since it''s more important to us to have the wedding we want. Luckily my parents are on board with everything. While our wedding isn''t going to be as small as you want yours to be, our venue limit meant that a lot of family got cut in favor of our close friends, and I''m not one bit sorry. Parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles are in. First cousins and beyond are out. I''m not at all close to any of my cousins, and although I anticipate one aunt and uncle taking issue with the fact that their (adult) kids aren''t invited, it''s an easy line for us to draw. I''m all about having the people who are important to my FI and me there, and sharing a bloodline isn''t dispositive on the issue.

Good luck, and I hope you''re able to find a good solution!

 

[zipzapgirl]

Keep in mind that if you want to keep it small, you''re going to have to make sure there aren''t tons of showers or engagement parties where the non-invited come. People can generally understand "small wedding", but not if they''ve already given you some sort of pre-celebration gift or attended a party. Then they might get mixed signals.

Also, don''t talk about the wedding too much to people who might not make the cut. If you talk with them about it, they will likely expect an invitation.

It''s great that your mom is covering a lot of the costs. This might cost you a few invitations for diplomacy''s sake, but it''s much better than having to cut people because you cannot afford to invite them.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Nice to see you! Sorry about the Mac. At my old job I had a Mac (and I hate them with a passion)

Anyway, I''d invite only who I really want to be there (or those who are very close to you) and tell the mother that this is what YOU want because you don''t want to go too big. Hopefully she understands.

 

[Mediterranean]

ZipZapGirl''s advice is excellent. Especially regarding keeping wedding conversation to a minimum when you''re with people who aren''t likely to be invited. If they do ask about it, use t as the cue to drop hints... "Oh, planning s going well. We cut a lot of the guest list, and it looks like it''s going to be really small...pretty much family..." they''ll get the hint.

I''m on a Mac, as well. And while I haven''t had any problems with loading/navigating the site, I simply can''t add pics! The only ones I''ve been able to add have been added when I had access to a PC. And I''ve read the picture posting instructions for Macs, and followed them perfectly. It bites, because I know how much fun everyone on here has with pics, and I often need opinions, but without pics asking for opinions is dumb, because no one can see what I''m talking about. Oh well..back to the PC!

 

[Elmorton]

Keepingthefaith's strategy is what we did...we wanted under 100 (our first list was 90) - it ballooned because my parents invited their cousins (yes, THEIR cousins, but my parents also paid for most of the wedding..) - but the number of people who attended were 123. It was bigger than what we wanted, but not terribly so. We kept asking our parents to keep the guests to a minimum and stressed that we were only inviting 30 of our own friends, and they were pretty respectful and didn't go too crazy in the end. ETA: I will say that the "must invite" list for us was a lot longer than we thought it would be in family alone. We had parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins because both of us come from relatively small families...or so we thought. I think that was a touch more than 50 people right there.

 

[onedrop]

This probably won''t work for you, but the way we kept our wedding small was to have a destination wedding.

When you consider the costs, only your closest family and friends are going to make the sacrifice. Outside of that, consider what the other ladies have said. You are going to have to learn the art of "no."