How do you deal with being the sole wage-earner?

[Bella_mezzo]

So, my post title sucks, but hopefully I can get some advice, hugs, tips, pretty much anything.

DH has been contemplating a major career change (performing arts to medicine). He was unexpectedly laid off on Monday so we both decided he should just go to school full-time in the spring and jumpstart his career change. I am fully on-board with this. I made almost twice as much as him before anyway, so I didn't think it would be that different to go from being the main earner to the only earner...

Admittedly I am on my period, sick with a sinus infection, and have a huge project due in class this weekend, but ayi-ayi-ayi I am feeling REALLY overwhelmed at being the only source of financial support for us.

The short term is fine, and really financially it is ok right now on just my salary, but my job is uber stressful and my boss is a MAJOR micromanager. In the past when this really got on my nerves I could always tell myself, I can walk at any time and get a job that pays very little and it will be fine. Now, I don't have that option. It would be difficult to find another position in my field right now that would pay similar to what I currently make, and I really need my full salary amount to support us both. I thought about that this morning at work and pretty much had my first ever panic attack and started crying.

I called DH and then of course he got upset and said maybe he should just look for another job instead of going to school full-time. We both agree that's not the best option (it will take twice as long and financially doesn't make sense in the long-term) but I think for the short-term we are both pretty freaked. the "short-term" will be 18 months of post-bac prereqs for him (this spring, maybe the summer, and next academic year) and then he will either go to Physicians Assistant school or apply to medical school. So, I need to work at or near my current salary level for the next 5-7 years.

I think this all looks worse b/c of the whole period/bring sick/having stuff due at school thing, but right now it feels pretty sh*tty.

How do you all cope with this?!?!?!

I am 32 and his is 34 and we are hoping to have kids in the next year (either through birth adoption). I am still looking for a less-stressful option in my current field, and will negotiate a more flex work option when we have kids, but right now SUCKS...

 

[fieryred33143]

Hugs Bella!!

My FI's office was shut down in August and he has been out of work since. In his field, it has been very difficult to find a job and the others that he has found would be really terrible work/life balance.

However, it can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. Whenever I have a bad conversation with my boss, I have a panic attack. Whenever I hear of other companies not doing well, I wonder if mine will be next and then what? A lot of the stress comes from wondering how we would manage financially if both of us end up without a job and what I've done to lift that stress is budget wisely. We use a tool provided by our bank that breaks down transactions and helps us come up with a realistic budget. We've stopped going out to eat as often as we did in the past. We find ways to save.

I also remember that this isn't permanent. It's only temporary until he can find a better job. And I have a wonderful support system. I don't like to ask for help but in my heart I know that if things ever got really, really bad we have family members that we can fall back on until we get up on our feet. That lifts a lot of the stress.

All in all, I'm actually pretty happy with the situation as it is now. He's home with DD and in the months he has been with her she has learned and grown so much. I'm glad he has been able to witness it firsthand. I'm also very proud that I have been able to acheive so much that I can now support a family of 3 on my own. I had gone through my educational career with the intention of always working and always doing well. Reminding myself of these things really helps.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Ugh, I totally feel your pain. My stress level went up about 100 notches when DH lost his job, and he's been jobless for months. He gets unemployment, but it won't last forever, and the job market is just SO BAD. He has been looking super hard and just not getting anywhere. He is taking some classes in the meantime but being the breadwinner has really sucked a lot of joy out of my job. Now I just worry all the time about what will happen if I lost it.

This is the pot calling the kettle black, but just try to relax, breath, and know that it won't be forever, like Fiery said.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

What about him looking for a temp job? Seems like that would help. Can you guys even afford for him to go to school or will you be taking out loans for his years of schooling?

 

[Pandora II]

When you have kids, will you be able to afford to pay for childcare and normal expenses on just your wage? Studying and childcare in the first year would be a nightmare so I would look at the scenario of paying someone else (you may have family etc willing to help but if you don't this can be a massive expense).

 

[Steel]

Bella, *I am very sorry you got upset today. So you went in?

I might just projecting my crap onto you but is there a chance that you feel upset because ultimately this is another potential obstacle to your becoming a mother in the short term? If you weren't planning a family then his situation simply advances your plans. Yes, your jobs sucks and you work far too many hours but if he does get into med then your joint future would be much brighter. However they are long term plans and as I am in similar shoes to you, I can't think further than baby o'clock and anything that does not comply with the baby plan makes me emotional.

*Lots of editing (Sorry)

ETA2: ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks ladies! Fiery I was hoping you'd chime in Monkey I didn't know your DH was out of work too! Big hugs to both of you courageous ladies and your adorable little kiddos!!!

DH will file for unemployment next week and he's looking for a part-time job. Right now he's doing a bunch of things around our apartment that have been on the "honey-do list" for a while

Financially, we have some liquid savings, but most of it is tied up in stocks. We are fine financially for now, he got 1 month's severance which we'll keep in liquid savings just incase. My salary is enough to cover all our necessary expenses and a small amount of extras (travel to see family for the holidays, a date night each month, books for school...)

I'm halfway through a top-tier MBA program (we are paying about 30% cash and 60% loans for the program) I can't really tranfer out of it to a cheaper program b/c MBA programs won't typically accept transfer credits and now that I've paid this much it's more valuable to finish at my school rather than transferring to a lower-cost/lower prestige school (I hate that MBA programs are so snotty, but it is what it is). If he gets a part-time job or unemployment then we can pay cash for his tution (he's going to a state or city school for these pre-reqs) as well as his COBRA payments and still have some money for savings or part-time childcare (when that time comes).

We live in NYC and because we own our apartment, I have a somewhat decent paying job, and am in the thick of my MBA program it would be a major endeavor to leave the city in the next 2 years. After that we'll move wherever he gets into school for MD or PA programs. As much as I love NYC, it might not be feasible for our family while he's in school. So, I guess if I just look at it as an 18 month chunk it's not so bad We just thought we'd have three more months to build up savings and really make a decision before he would decide to leave his job to school to school full-time or choose to go part-time. I think the suddenness of it all is what makes things seem really overwhelming, and the fact that we didn't have a choice.

Re childcare-in this "new normal" when we have kids he'll be home with them most days when I work (we can afford a babysitter for a few hours during the day if he needs to take a daytime class) and I'll be home with them most evenings so he can study/go to the rest of his classes. I'll shift my classes to Sat mornings, and we'll probably just have family time on the weekends, but that's how it will have to be. I'm pretty necessary at my job, and am working to become more indespensible, so I am hoping that I can work from home 1-2 days per week once we have kids.

The deal is, once he's all done with school in 5-7 years, provided we're on a reasonable re-payment plan for our student loans, I will be a SAHM and/or work part-time doing something that I love regardless of pay (probably a part-time Exec. Director job). Right now, that arrangement really does sound like heaven

I fully support him in this career change. This morning just felt really yucky. I think I just need to look at this in chunks, and right now it's just 18 months...I can do pretty much anything for 18 months (and honestly, we probably won't have kids for at least 10 months, so really it's like 10 months of working, a 3 month maternity leave--we'll liquidate whatever we have to to finance that--and then 5 more months of working, hopefully on a partial flex schedule...that doesn't sounds so bad at all I guess...) After that, we'll re-evaluate, possibly move, and pray that we can make some money on our co-op to help finance our lives in a lower cost of living place and I can find a more reasonable job

(It took me list 3 hours to write this between mtgs Steal, thanks for your post. I think it does make me sad that he'll be home more than me with kiddos, but if I am going to be honest, it has the potential to be great, b/c I'm sure he won't have as much time once his medical career starts...)

Sigh, 18 months...that's my new mantra!

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

Bella – it sounds like you have already taken the necessary first steps, which is creating an overall game plan. Regardless if everything on your list turns out exactly as planned, at least you have a clear goal and a path to get there.

Being the sole breadwinner can be a very scary place. DH lost his job 6 months after I had DS, and we lived entirely off my income. We immediately created a very conservative budget and cut back on our expenses, while still being able to enjoy an occasional night out or other purchase. DH ended up finding another job after 3 months, but we still save our money using the same conservative mentality that we had when he was unemployed – just in case.

Things usually end up working out in the end, although it can be very hard to look at it that way when it’s happening to you. Try to stay positive!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Bella I am sorry about your DH and the stress you are under! Men have been sole breadwinners for ages in many homes and manage, I know you can too. But it will likely mean some serious shifting of your expectations and the division of labour in the home.

I have a few suggestions. What you do might depend a little on some soul searching about priorities.

One: I wonder if your DH would consider putting off his medical school dreams until your kids are in school? Then he can be a SAHD and it would most likely work out for your family better in the long run, not only financially, but frankly you do not want to be the main breadwinner AND main parent (with a husband in medical school and beyond this will most likely occurr. Read up on Sabine and others' experiences, medical school is really really time consuming), which I think could happen if he goes to med school now.

Two: You mention you job stress a lot. I am personally of the mindset that life is TOO DAMN short to spend any time in a job you hate and that makes you stressed and/or sick. But it is important to try to tease apart what aspects of your stress come from within and what come from without. For example, if your job stressful for everyone, or might part of it be your personality or tendencies towards psychological stress? I find my job to be very low stress generally, but many of my colleagues think it is veyr very stressful. Put me and one of those colleagues into another job situation and I bet that he would still find it stressful and I would find it easier. It is our nature. On the other hand, some jobs suck. If your job really is horrid then I would be putting the gears in motion to move on. Waiting 18 months would not be acceptable *to me* unless I knew 100% at the end of that time I would be in a better position. But when can we eve have that guarantee? But since you job pays so well, I would be really looking inwards to see whether my nature is bringing on more stress, and whether I cn reorganize my life to lessen the stress. You know all those things that "can't" be changed in your life that add to your stress? Think about why they can't be changed and think about options really hard. You are a strong and creative lady -- sometimes all we need to do to better our situations is to reassess the "givens" we accept and instead see them as things we can change.

Three: I would cut costs and start saving as much as possible towards having a good 6 months of living expenses in liquid savings. Ordinarily I think this is a lot, but it would put my mind at ease if I was the sole earner.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks DD!

It's not really an option for DH to put going back to school off for that long. We are well aware of the challenges and limitations of med school or PA school and are going into this eyes wide open. We have several friends in the thick of it right now, and DH has been seriously considering this move for several years. We were planning on ramping up through the transition of him working to going to school, so I think having it forced upon us suddenly is the largest part of what is stressing me out.

My job is stressful because of my boss. She's a major micromanager and she's stressed and freaked out all the time which leads to her leaving me voicemails at 1am 3am and 5 am most nights, and coming into my office or calling to "check" on things pretty much every 15 minutes. The person before me was pretty incompetant so on the one hand I get why she's freaked, but she hired me b/c of my experience and I dont' appreciate having to do my job and deal with all the stress she creates. I've been pushing back hard (firm and friendly) and "managing" her. Things are getting much better, but it is definitely a slow process. I am looking/applying for other similar positions, but they take a long time to find and secure.

ideally, he'll get into med or PA school near one of our families, but NY isn't awful in that respect as I have a lot of extended family with lots of free time within an hour drive. It's not perfect for day to dya childcare, but great for odd days and weekends when needed.

I'm definitely feeling a little better after "talking" this out and realizing that 1. Even if DH is in-school I don't have to stay here forever and 2. The current situation is only 18 months and 3. Even if we don't want to liquidate them we do have resources so our backs aren't really up against a wall...

 

[tigian]

Hi Bella
I totally feel your pain! I'm the sole provider of our household which includes me, DH, and our 2 dogs. Ever since we got married, we decided it was best for our future together for DH to go back to school and get a degree. That being said, I'm just started my career and am self-employed which is stressful in itself. Luckily, the past years have been good for business, but I know things cannot be taken for granted. I start to freak myself out with worse case scenarios and they get worse around my period also. If I am sick or not in the office=no income, which puts a lot of pressure on me. I try to express my concerns ASAP, so I don't keep things bottled up. I don't know about you, but when I keep things bottled up, it is a recipe for a disaster explosion of resentment. I know he already feels bad about not contributing financially, and I'm imagining it is hard for a man who was raised with somewhat traditional, old-fashioned values of the man providing. I have to reassure him that I know he will be able to provide later in our lives together.
I guess all I can say is that will be an end to this stressful situation for you and it will be worth it for the both of you.
It sounds like you and DH have a set plan and having savings is key. I have no doubt that the 18 months will go by fast since there is such a clear goal for the both of you.