How do I know if I should move on?

[stillwaiting]

I am new to the boards and have been reading through all the posts.

I am not too sure where to begin but I am looking for some advice.

I have been dating my b/f for 5 1/2 years; we were high school sweat hearts. We now have been living together for 3 years. In the past year we have been getting a lot of questions from out friends and family as to when we will be tying the knot.

I have tired many times to have this discussion with him. I feel frustrated because it’s always another excuse. Right now he is still in University and wants to wait till he is finished (2.5 years) BUT I don’t understand why we can’t get engaged and start planning our future together. I am getting to the point where I am not sure if I should start to prepare myself emotionally to move on.

After 5 years I feel that he should know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have started to feel that it may never happen and I might loose years and miss my chance to find the right one. I know I am still young (22) but I just hate playing this waiting game.

Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings.

I love him, but I just feel so insecure about waiting around for the right moment or time in “his” life that might never come around….

I am scared to move on, but I am not too sure that I can deal with having no say in our future and my life. Is this a sign maybe I should just preprare to move on or just stay and wait it out?

 

[janinegirly]

i''m going to be a bit blunt, and keep in mind that ladies giving advice on this site is a little like being a fortune teller in a way--we get a tinsy bit of the picture and make a lot of assumptions and base our opinion on that coupled with our own experiences.

anyway, having said that, my opinion is that it''s a good idea for you to move on from this relationship. You are so young and there''s a whole life of experiences ahead of you, why waste the years in a relationship that seems to have run its course. There''s nothing bad about your bf (per say), he''s just young too and isn''t ready. If you wait, he''ll either feel forced into a marrying young and before he''s ready (not good!), OR, he''ll stick to his timeline and it''ll hurt your self esteem because you''ll wonder what you''re missing and why he''s not ready, and what is it about you (even though it''s not true, or logical we all feel this after waiting beyond our time). Since you''re young, I think it''s pretty cut and dry: try being on your own for a bit, discover yourself, new relationships, spend time with girlfriends. Build a career. You''ll be a more complete and interesting person for it.

 

[Becky P]

I, too, am struggling with that decision right now myself, except I am 27. It seems hurtful that he would tell you he has a list of reasons why he won''t propose. I''m sure you were upset and angry when he said that! And, rightfully so. But, have you asked to see that list or talk about the items on the list? His reasons for not wanting to propose are what you''ll have to address before he''ll consider asking.

I cannot tell you when it''s time for you to leave your relationship or how long is too long. I can only say that I feel when it''s time to move on, you''ll know. That''s why I''m still with my bf of 4 years. I love him and want to be with him. I still feel like there''s hope for a future, but, I can feel myself getting closer to that ledge (metaphorically, of course!!) and I know I may just have to leave one day and not look back. IMO, you''ll know when it''s time.

 

[WTNLVR]

Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings.

This is your answer sorry to say.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I hesitate at giving advice because I''ve made a mess of my relationship with my HS sweetheart of 10 years...but...

I guess it would depend on the reasons that he gave you.

Are they legititimate reasons? Does he want to wait because he wants to be finished school? Because he wants to have more money to afford the ring of your dreams?

Or is it simply because he''s not ready? I personally feel that 22 yrs old can be old or young depending on the maturity of the guy (I''m assuming that he''s the same age as you) Maybe he still has a lot of things he wants to do before he settles down. I personally would not have been ready to make such a committement at 22, but others are, and do.

Why do you feel insecure in your relationship? Do you feel that he will leave you? Or that you just want to know where your life is going? Or is it because you two are going through a difficult time? I think a lot of it depends on the answers he gave you when you had your talk. In any case, a guy at 22 years old who isn''t ready to get engaged, wouldn''t neccessarily say to me that he doesn''t love you, won''t eventually want to marry you etc. If he was 32, and you were in the exact same situation, my answer would be different.

And welcome to PS by the way

 

[Cailet]

Date: 10/10/2006 4:31:44 PM
Author:stillwaiting

Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings.

I love him, but I just feel so insecure about waiting around for the right moment or time in “his” life that might never come around….
I am scared to move on, but I am not too sure that I can deal with having no say in our future and my life. Is this a sign maybe I should just preprare to move on or just stay and wait it out?

Ok - not to be blunt. ok nevermind, I AM going to be blunt: You state right above that he gave you a LIST of reasons why he won''t propose. You blew them off and he again told you that he was in fact telling you the truth of the situation. He has already given you your answer.

You need to get out of this relationship.

You are young - how much of your life do you want to waste hoping that the list of reasons disappears?

Get out - make yourself a life you love. Move on. Eventually you will find the right guy.

 

[diamondglee]

I have to absolutely agree with WTNLVR here. He has reasons, and to him they are valid. It sounds like you choose not to hear them.

I think part of the problem when a relationship gets to this point is that one or both parties arent HEARING the other person.

I''m not very patient...so take this with a grain of salt...but his comment would be enough for me to say thanks and move on.

I believe that a person knows within months if they WANT to marry another person...they may not act on it for years but, my experience has been, I always KNEW if I wanted to and could marry my sig other. And knowing someone WANTS to marry you goes a long way.

 

[stillwaiting]

Thank-you all for stopping by and giving advice.

He did give me the 2 reason as to why he did not want to propose. Things he mentioned he wants to work on....things that I don''t think are there but can be improved on.

I am not too sure why I feel insecure. I just feel like in a way we are living together, I am living the role of wife without the ring, the security, and the status of being his wife...but I am only the live-in g/f.

College is the reason he want''s to wait. I can understand this, we don''t have to get married till he finishes..but I don''t see why we can''t get engaged and start planning. I feel that I might wait, and he might change his mind. BUT there is the very big "if" he changes me mind. I have a career, we we have money...we have everything together BUT him finishing his degree.

I just want him to pick me, say he loves me enough to marry me.....and that no matter what we can make it. I need to live life not just wait for the right moment, because who knows when the time will ever be right.

Maybe I need another serious talk, before I decide what path I really need to take for myself.

 

[janinegirly]

i am in agreement with cailet. don''t get bogged down in analyzing his "list of reasons"--that''s just being in denial. It''d be different if he seemed torn and giving mixed messages, but he seems pretty clear that he likes being with you, but is not ready for marriage at all. And that''s his right, 22 for a guy is like 18 for a girl. Yes there are mature 22 yr olds, but his age coupled with him saying he isn''t ready for a list of reasons seems pretty clear cut.
And I completely understand why this would affect your self esteem, it''s hard to have someone make you wait and even harder to not take it personally. I''m sure we''ve all felt that! But of course, it isn''t you, your bf just isn''t ready to marry and you are.
If nothing else, you making moves to move on from this relationship will cause a reaction from your bf which will make things clearer (NOT that this is why you''d be doing it, but it is a side effect). I''ve seen cases where relationships end and the guy is sad, but lets her go. And the girl then realizes how relieved she is to have not wasted any more time. There''s nothing worse then dragging out a relationship that is already over (ie stagnant and never going to move forward).

PS Allycat: how are you? Are you and your (ex?) bf doing ok since the break up,etc?

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d move on if I were you. Sounds like he isn''t ready for marriage. Maybe you are the one for him and maybe you''re not. But I''d move out and live on your own. See how things go, but my red flags went up reading your posts. I think you know it deep down, but are afraid to move on. These threads are hard because we truly don''t know the situtation at all, just the bits and pieces we get. But be strong and put yourself first. Really.

 

[stillwaiting]

I guess I should mention one more thing....since you all don''t know me personally...

This the one and only real problem in our realsonship. I have let it grow into other parts of out life because it''s a nagging questions that I feel never goes away. Maybe I am obsessed with getting the ring, and it could be driving him away. BUT I know I dont need to look and find what I truly feel deep down.

You all have given me some great advice that I really need to think about and make a real decision.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I feel a little bad because everyone is saying move on. Maybe I''m too patient.

I personally think that college is a good reason to wait. Just because me personally I have a hard time splitting my attention. I don''t think that is actually against you personally.

However, did he reassure you that he wants to marry you? And that it was just a matter of finishing his degree?

If he hasn''t said he''s sure about marrying you, then I would definitely move out. Probably start seeing other people, because at this point if he''s not sure about marrying you, then you shouldn''t live with him, and do all the wife stuff for him.

I think it''s important to listen to what he says, openly and honestly (even if the reasons are hard to hear) and then try to decide if they are legitimate. I don''t think that guys lie to you when they are telling you things you "don''t" want to hear. I think it''s very hard to be honest when you are hurting the other person.

Good luck.

 

[stillwaiting]

He did reasure me he wanted to get married!

Maybe it’s just me being insecure, but I feel it’s such a long time to wait since we have already been together for 5 ½ years. Also I know it has partly to do with me feeling helpless in the situation. I feel like I have no say, no control over the situation.
With our friends and family all asking us, having family dinner and bluntly asking us our future plans it puts even more pressure on the both of us.

 

[allycat0303]

Well that''s a start. I don''t think you should be too upset then and walk away. Because it seemed so dire when you say it.

I think five years is long. But I also think that 22 yrs old can be young (depending on the case). I think that when you started dating very young, timelines, etc., don''t necessarily apply.

I would sit down, ask him if there are other reasons (i.e he needs to sow his wild oats)

If not, tell him you would like to be engaged, but that a wedding is not for a while until after he finishes his degree.

And don''t let the pressure of the families questions about future plans get to you, sometimes, they really are just making conversation.

I think what is worrisome is that you feel "insecure" in the relationship. You need to try and find out what makes you feel this way. Incidently I think that sometimes if you feel scared or anxious about something, you can make decisions that later might not be in your best intrest.

 

[janinegirly]

you need to stop blaming yourself ("maybe I'm insecure" "nagging has crept into other parts of our relationship"). You are bringing it up all the time because these are VALID and important questions to ask. And the reason he is not moving thing forward (which would otherwise allow everything to flow) is because he is NOT ready. Really, you have all the facts and it's not complicated. It's your choice if you want to do what's best for you or if you want to continue the cycle. Sure college is a good reason, but after that, he'll want to find a job, save some $, build a career. This is why most people don't marry in their early 20's (if they are career people).
Anyway, enough of my soapbox!

On a side topic, I think it's interesting how so many of these posts have the same patterns:
*lady in crossroads of relationship, unhappy that things are not progressing, posts on site for advice
*LIW's provide feedback
*if feedback is tough to hear, original poster changes tune, defends relationship, softens a few of facts from the original post and defends why bf is the way he is.
*original poster then says everything is fine, will wait it out, bf said something nice recently.
*in a few days/weeks/months, original posters' frustrations bubble over again, and steps 1-4 repeat.

I've been there too, I just think we need to be willing to accept facts sometimes, stand up for ourselves and take some action for our own happiness! That's what the men in our lives are doing, and that's why they're stalling--they're taking action for their own long term happiness, even if it hurts!

 

[allycat0303]

Well someone mentioned that when we post on LIW we''re really emotionnal. I think some things can be a little less dire if you relook at them when you are calmer. Then you kind of realize that he upset me but.....

I think with long relationships, there''s a lot of investement, and we as LIW don''t know the whole story. I actually found that stillwaiting''s original post was missing a lot of information, so that''s why I''m not ready to give any firm committed "leave him" because she didn''t say what he said, what were his reasons. So I don''t want to make assumptions. If she walked away because he said "I need to experiement with 100 different woman" I think that''s a lot more alarming then "I need to finish college"

In any case, none of these decisions are easy, or can be made as simply. They are usually more complex. If anything, I just hope stillwaiting picks up some food for thought, some stuff that can help her talk to her boyfriend more, or just simply to vent.

 

[stillwaiting]

Janinegirly:

I appreciate you being blunt.

Sure college is a good reason, but after that, he''ll want to find a job, save some $, build a career.

These are my main concerns for waiting! I do owe it to myself to be happy but then again giving up and walking away after so many years is much harder said then done.

allycat0303:

Along with yours and Janinegirly I think that I need to sit down with him and have a real serious talk.

1) I do want to know the reason, and need to decide myself if they are valid. Even though he said them out of anger, it’s something I can not just brush off, I need to know if he really feel’s this way, and if so deal with it.

2) He has said that he wants to marry me, but the time line is always changes. I need to know if we really do have a future, and mutually we need to come to term weather we are or are not better off with or without each other.

3) I do need to figure out why I feel insecure, and need to let him know I feel this way.

4) Most importantly I want to get engaged, not married right away. Within the next year I want to, and don’t think I am rushing things….we can be engaged for 1 year and half until he finished college.

Tonight I am going to bring up these issues. The past days since the fight he asked that we talk about it, but I have been so upset I have not been able to discuss it.

If I don’t get the answers I want I then NEED to be honest with myself and start to prepare myself to move on and move out.

Thanks ladies you have given me some great advice, that I need to think about and make my decision.

 

[Mandarine]

I can''t lie and say I''ve never felt like I had no control. I did...and that''s when I joined the LIW forum and got my behind kicked a bit

I had been with my BF for 1.5 yrs then but I just needed to know we were on the same page....and din''t really know what to do because I felt I had no control....didn''t really know how to approach it.

So after getting some advice here I talked to him...got an idea of his timeframe and we were able to discuss it and make sure we were both ok with it.

I still get impatient, but I think that happens to all of us...a mix of excitement and anxiety!.

What I''m trying to say is that the girls here offer great advice. Sometimes it may seem like "tough love" but it''s mainly because after you''ve been here for a while you start seeing some trends in girls feeling helpless and like they have no control of their lives. This is not the case....you do have control. You can either stay with him knowing that you''re both on the same page and in a healthy relationship...or you move on.

Staying with him by being in the dark about your future shouldn''t be an option...whether you''re 20 or 40. It doesn''t matter. If one of you has questions about your future, it''s not a crime to ask and get some answers...otherwise you''ll just drive yourself crazy making assumptions about what he''s thinking.

Welcome!

M~

 

[allycat0303]

Well I know how hard this is. I just left my boyfriend of 10 years *not because of lack of engagement* but other issues. And it''s stuff that''s been there since the very beginning, so I know it''s hard. Much harder then just moving out if he doesn''t give you all the answers you need. Sometimes giving you the right answer is hard, because maybe he doesn''t even know the answer himself yet.

In any case, good luck. Whatever happens, remember you should do what is best for you.

 

[ladykemma]

still waiting, have you finished YOUR degree yet?

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 10/10/2006 6:22:07 PM
Author: ladykemma
still waiting, have you finished YOUR degree yet?

Was just about to say the same thing...

 

[stillwaiting]

I have a career, we we have money...we have everything together BUT him finishing his degree

 

[stillwaiting]

I have just gotten off the phone with him. I am heading home to have this talk.....

 

[Mara]

Date: 10/10/2006 4:44:28 PM
Author: WTNLVR

Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings.

This is your answer sorry to say.

Ditto this. Now unless the reasons are something like 'want to wait til out of school to become her husband' or something that is concrete, finite and makes sense in terms of long-term...why would someone have a LIST of why they don't want to propose? Is it propose YET or just propose at all?? That's just odd. I would have asked to see the list. hehe.

At 22 you are super young! Too young in my opinion to get engaged or married. But I know some people will disagree, that's fine. My own experience is that at 22 I was one person. At 24 I was another. At 26 I was yet again someone else. I didn't really stop making huge growth leaps in things like career and personality and just maturity until I was about 28ish. I met my now-husband at 25. But I think if I had married my high school BF who I ADORED we never would have made it. And if I had married my boyfriend at 22 who I lived with and discussed marriage with, we wouldn't have made it either. I just wasn't mentally ready for that 'forever' committment when I was still learning about what life had in store for me.

Some people find their soulmates young and stick with them, grow together instead of out of each other and apart. But your boyfriend sounds like where I was...wanting to live my life, experience things and be independent before hitching myself to anyone. It sounds like you are ready to take the next step and have been and he is busy growing and becoming someone else.

I think that in your heart you probably know the answer to your question. If you have to come to a forum board and ask a bunch of strange women if it's time to move on...I think you probably know the answer is yes. Why don't you guys take a trial separation and just do your own thing for a while? Learn to be independent and find out who you grow into? Maybe you guys will find out you ARE meant to be together and will find your way back to each other! Or you will grow apart and grow into something or someone else. Anyway, obviously you know your relationship but you asked the Question and to me you know the answer. He's not ready, maybe you aren't the one...but you should respect yourself and your future enough to want what's best for you. He is doing what's best for HIM. Who's looking out for you?

 

[anchor31]

I just caught up with you thread, and I want to wish you good luck with your talk. I agree with ally: Holding off getting married until he finishes his degree is a very legitimate reason. My FI and are doing this since I will be graduating in less than 2 years. However, if he still doesn''t know if he wants to marry you after 5 years, then I believe moving out may be the best thing for you.

Welcome, and good luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

Just a few things I picked up on in reading your posts:

I do want to know the reason, and need to decide myself if they are valid. Even though he said them out of anger, it’s something I can not just brush off, I need to know if he really feel’s this way, and if so deal with it.

It doesn''t matter if you feel his reasons are valid or not, they are valid for him. If someone feels something is not working in a relationship and the other person disagrees that doesn''t negate the need to address the issue. It can be reason enough for you to decide to leave, but that doesn''t invalidate the issue it just means you two don''t see eye to eye. It sounds like he''s been very clear as you state he''s given you two issues. I''m not quite sure what more you need.

I feel like I have no say, no control over the situation.

You have absolute control over the situation. Only you can decide what it is you need and when and then act for yourself. The helplessness is silly, he can''t make you stay any more than you can make him propose. We are in charge of our lives and get to choose the path we take. If this isn''t it for you the world will not cease to spin on its access. I''m not saying breaking up and moving on is easy, but it has happened to all of us at some point and time.

I hope your talk goes well and you get whatever it is you''re looking for from him, but I think you''re too focused on what he should be doing for you, proposing, and not nearly enough on creating a happy life for yourself, no matter how things turn out with him.

 

[stillwaiting]

Hi Ladies,

I am very glad to have found this site and have taken you advice and really given it some thought.

We sat down last night and had a very serious discussion about “our” future. I know sometimes it is hard to be honest with a person, and you don’t want to hurt them. We have been together for a long time and I do love him, I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Many people do say that young love can grow apart as you figure out who you are, but we have grown together. Although there are some things that we do not agree with.

Our talk was very positive. I asked the questions and got the answers I needed. The list of reasons was one issue he wanted to work on, which I know we can. I was relived that it was not a whole list.

We discussed that he dose want to get married in 2.5 years after he is done his degree, which I support. And he has plans of proposing within the year. I felt horrible that I needed a timeline of our proposal. He says he can’t give me a date, a month because things like this should be a surprise and he wants me to be blown away! I can understand this!!!

I appreciate very much all your suggestions and advice. I was a very upset yesterday and need some time to deal with my actually feelings. Thank-you so much for all you help.

Now maybe I can officially become a lady in waiting

 

[Angela1977]

I am so confused.
You said this..."Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings."


Ok, so he gives you a list of reasons, he assures you that IS how he feels and you say he couldn't have meant it.
Then you make it sound like the reasons are just wanting to finish school, etc. This isn't adding up to me...

 

[Becky P]

Date: 10/11/2006 12:00:19 PM
Author: stillwaiting

Our talk was very positive. I asked the questions and got the answers I needed. The list of reasons was one issue he wanted to work on, which I know we can. I was relived that it was not a whole list.

So, what''s the issue that he wants to work on?

I would strongly suggest really focusing on yourself. Go meet up with your girlfriends. Make plans for dinner or drinks or shopping or whatever you like to do with your friends. Join a club that interests you. Go out there, and get a life other than him. Do things that you enjoy. That way if, a year down the road, you''re still in the same place, you''ll have other people and activites to fall back on. I think it a relationship, it''s easy to get into a routine. We go here this day, eat this on Tuesday, etc. You''ve gotta shake it up a little bit so it doesn''t feel boring or routine. By getting out there and doing things you enjoy without him, I think you''ll gain some confidence and it''ll help you feel more secure. If you can take care of yourself, then you won''t be feeling insecure wondering if your man will take care of you... Good luck with everything! If you want to be added to the list, post in the first thread called "The Official List" or something. And, don''t forget to post in the "Introduce Yourself" thread.

 

[Patchee]

Yep, HE TOLD you that there is a list of reasons why he will not propose. Take that to heart! He would NOT have said it, if he didn''t mean it! And if he did mean it why would you want to marry him anyway?

I am basically where your at now.. I gave up, I so don''t want to marry my guy anymore. I live with him too! But I have been looking at houses to buy here and there and when the time comes when I say I am moving out... what can he say? And, I do love him = we have no problems but no marriage which can be huge for some .. it is for you now - your fightning over just that.

It is soley up to you it you really want to move on or settle into what you already know within your b/f. Marriage won''t happen, again been there done that.. Good luck sweetie. I feel for you!