How do I get out of her room?!

[fieryred33143]

Sophia has been going through a phase at bedtime. Don''t know if it''s a separation anxiety phase or a ''my mom is a sucker'' phase. Either way, bedtime has become a complete chore. As soon as I walk out the room she screams with tears (soaks her pjs), cralws and bangs her head against the crib, and tries to take her clothes off. Then we enter the point of no return.

So I''ve been sitting in her room. The light is off, I''m far from her so she can''t touch me and I don''t engage in "conversation" or play with her.

When I do this, she''s much better. She sits, lays, crawls, stands, lays down etc. For about 20-30 mins before falling asleep. No tears, no rocking. This is *ideal* except I need to get her to do this without me in the room. We have tried everything. I make sure the house is really dark so she can''t see when I''m walking out but she can still tell I''m not in the room. I had a little bit of success with putting on her projector and from the door going "oh wow Sophia look at the fish" to get her to look and not pay attention to me walking out. This worked until she was ready to sleep and the projector was bothering her. I snuck in to turn it off but she caught me and started wailing.

Any tips??

 

[honey22]

hey fiery, I want to start off my admitting I have no experience with bedtime as I am not a Mum so I don''t really know what I am talking about but I have heard of a sleeping technique where you basically do the same as you are doing now, stay quietly in the room with them with no conversation or interaction but every night moving a little closer away from her until over a period of weeks you are moving out of the room (and eventually out of the room) and she''s ok.

As I said, I am not a Mum, but I have heard this works really well and it sounds like she is ok with you not talking to her, so this might work for you?

Good luck, I can''t imagine how draining this must be on you to go through this every night.

 

[Mara]

fiery, after you leave and she starts crying, have you tried talking to her from outside the door? i know NCSS talks about the moving outside of the room and soothing from outside the door as the ''last'' step, but i can''t recall specifics.

alternatively, any way to turn the projector off after 15 or 30 min? i haven''t looked into the projector on our BCM yet so don''t know, but since you can turn the music off on a timer i would think projector would work that way too?

sorry you guys have to deal with this..!! hugs.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Welllll.... You know what I am going to say

Hunter goes through these phases once in a while, and because he has been STTN and putting himself to sleep for ages we will go in after about 10 minutes - 15 minutes to comfort him until he is calm, and then put him down, repeat, for sometimes an hour until he is finally ready to sleep, and we will do it for 2-3 nights if we know that he is teething or something else is bothering him. It is like the pick-up-put-down method we used when he was a wee baby. And when he is not in pain anymore, he will either no longer need to be comforted or we will do a little CIO with him until he goes to sleep. These sort of regressions don't seem to last much more than 2-3 nights.

But basically, just put her to bed and walk out the door. No games or tricks.

ETA And the "tantrums" at bedtime get so much crazier the older the kids get! It is amazing. This is why we comfort him but then he goes back into bed fairly soon (depending on his needs, if he is in pain we will comfort him for longer). It is important to us that he knows that we are there and responsive but sleep time is sleep time. Have you tried giving her some tylenol? We find that Hunter really only gets this way when teething badly.

 

[lliang_chi]

Fiery, I''m not a mom but I have a suggestion to turn off the projector without having to go back into the room. You can pick up one of those auto timers from Home Depot. They go by clock time, not a count down, but it''d be able to shut the projector off and you don''t have to re-enter.

Good luck,
Lisa

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks everyone for your tips!

Honey-My next move is to try to slowly walk out of her room. Maybe tonight I''ll stand in the doorway for a couple of minutes that way I have an easy escape!

Mara-hadn''t heard about talking to her through the door. I may have to try that too. I wish I could put the projector on a timer but it''s the spa machine so if it''s on a timer, the whole thing shuts off including the white noise. She doesn''t need the noise to sleep but if we do this then we have to be completely silent until she''s asleep, otherwise she''ll hear us and won''t sleep.

Dreamer-

She used to be really great about falling to sleep on her own until the she discovered the motherload of bedtime horrors: crawling, sitting, and standing. Before she would roll around but she didn''t have anywhere to go so she''d fall asleep. Now she cycles through sitting, crawling around in circles, and crusing around the crib which isn''t an issue at all. If I could walk out of her room and shut the door without her crying, then what she does in there is her business

. I watched her last night in the dark like a crazy stalker and she has some serious adventures in her crib. If the walking slowly out of the room doesn''t work, then we''re going to move on to the CIO for 10-15 mins plan and see how that goes. I do NOT look forward to the toddler tantrums

lliang-Thanks for the suggestion. I''ll look into it. The machine has a timer but again it shuts the whole thing off.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/8/2010 9:12:05 AM
Author: fiery
Thanks everyone for your tips!

Honey-My next move is to try to slowly walk out of her room. Maybe tonight I''ll stand in the doorway for a couple of minutes that way I have an easy escape!

Mara-hadn''t heard about talking to her through the door. I may have to try that too. I wish I could put the projector on a timer but it''s the spa machine so if it''s on a timer, the whole thing shuts off including the white noise. She doesn''t need the noise to sleep but if we do this then we have to be completely silent until she''s asleep, otherwise she''ll hear us and won''t sleep.

Dreamer-

She used to be really great about falling to sleep on her own until the she discovered the motherload of bedtime horrors: crawling, sitting, and standing. Before she would roll around but she didn''t have anywhere to go so she''d fall asleep. Now she cycles through sitting, crawling around in circles, and crusing around the crib which isn''t an issue at all. If I could walk out of her room and shut the door without her crying, then what she does in there is her business

. I watched her last night in the dark like a crazy stalker and she has some serious adventures in her crib. If the walking slowly out of the room doesn''t work, then we''re going to move on to the CIO for 10-15 mins plan and see how that goes. I do NOT look forward to the toddler tantrums

lliang-Thanks for the suggestion. I''ll look into it. The machine has a timer but again it shuts the whole thing off.

So she knows how to put herself to sleep, which means she''ll be fine. Of course, I agree with Dreamer. My daughter (now 2yrs, 2 months) is still known to put up a fight on some nights. Crying her heart out and reaching for me as I leave. I don''t even look at her on my way out. Normally she stops as soon as the door shuts. Sometimes, she''ll go on for a few minutes more, but never much longer. I never go back in there until I see she''s asleep on the monitor, and I do this because I made the mistake of not doing it a couple of times. Oh boy, hope springs eternal! She sees me come back in and the water works and screams are FAR worse than anything that happened at bedtime!

In fact, my two cents would be to walk quickly out of the room, quite confidently (I always stride out without looking back, and say in a sing song voice "Goodnight Amelia. Sweet Dreams. I''ll see you in the mooooorniiiiiiiiing!) Slowly walking may be prolonging things. And yes, in this case, I do think CIO is totally appropriate, as long as she is otherwise healthy and happy at bedtime.

 

[ChinaCat]

Fiery- Oh girl, she''s starting the momma guilt early!!!!

FWIW, O does this sometimes. Thank god only sometimes. It breaks my heart when I put him down and he immediately bursts into tears and puts his arms up, like WHY are you leaving me?

BUT. He does not do this to DH or my mom or the sitter or anyone else. And I have found that if I pick him up or keep going back in it just gets worse. So what I do is give myself a time limit and let him cry in there. I watch the monitor. If after x time he is still screaming (cause it''s a full blown scream, makes himself hoarse) AND standing up, I go back in, soothe him, but don''t rock him to sleep, and try again. Usually he conks out. If after x time he is still crying/screaming BUT he''s lying down, then I just let him put himself to sleep. This is usually an overtired thing. 9 times out of 10 he is asleep before x time is over.

The random times I can tell he''s not feeling well or whatever, I don''t always let him cry. Just depends.

I don''t know if that will work with Sophia. But you do know she''s okay since she''s okay when you are in her room.

 

[fieryred33143]

It''s official, mommy is a sucker.

I had a horrible headache so FI put her to bed. He put her in the crib, walked out, and 10 mins later she was totally asleep. No tears, no tantrum. She chatted for a couple of mins and fell asleep.

I''m just going to take it as a compliment that I''m so hip she doesn''t want to miss a moment with me

 

[KimberlyH]

fiery, if it makes you feel better i''m the sucker in our house. my husband put jane down, sat with her, she fussed for 3 minutes and passed out. it takes me at least 45 minutes to put her down (including feeding her). if i put her down she screams bloody murder.

 

[janinegirly]

Trust me, I am a sucker times 10. My LO also tricks me into staying in the room and has for months (years?). Thankfully at least she''s stopped doing it in the middle of the night--it was not fun crunched up in her room on the glider at 4am. Yes I should have walked away but crying means everyone in the house would also suffer a sleepless night. She''s stopped doing that though.

However she does still want me within earshot when she falls asleep for her nap and at night. If my mom or DH watches her she drops down without a peep as soon as she hears good night.

So I am a self declared sucker and some day I will get sick of it but I just can''t bear the screaming crying, nose running down her face, hair stuck to her sweaty face that is the result when I try CIO. I take heart in the fact it is only me she has suckered and that she can in fact put herself to sleep.

PS I am not as much a sucker in other areas, so she doesn''t quite "rule the roost"

 

[Sabine]

Fiery, Jacks has recently started doing more protest crying when I go to put him down for naps or bedtime (and just me, not dh) and it''s definitely a separation anxiety thing for him.

What worked for us, since he won''t even LET me rock him to sleep anymore, is spending a little bit more time with him before I put him down. Our routine is bottle, story, bath, let him crawl around while I try to slather lotion on him, pj''s, rock for a minute while singing, then put him down and leave. I started spending more time on the quiet rocking with the lights off and the sound machine on before singing his bedtime song, and that seems to really be helping. Sometimes he starts of fighting the cuddling and wants back down to play, so I persist until he''s putting his head on my shoulder, etc.

 

[Allison D.]

Fiery, I just wanted to give a shout out of support to you.

I can't imagine how hard it must be, and I have enormous respect for the dedication and perseverance of the PS mommies!

Hopes it takes a turn back to tranquility soon!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/8/2010 11:24:50 PM
Author: fiery
It''s official, mommy is a sucker.


I had a horrible headache so FI put her to bed. He put her in the crib, walked out, and 10 mins later she was totally asleep. No tears, no tantrum. She chatted for a couple of mins and fell asleep.


I''m just going to take it as a compliment that I''m so hip she doesn''t want to miss a moment with me

Maybe this is the solution for the time being. I''m not sure if your husband''s schedule allows it, but why not have him put her down for a few nights and see how it goes. Say good night in the living room and then let him take it from there.