How did you know your SO was THE one?

[bookworm21]

I can''t help but wonder, and I know this has been addressed in one way or another in some threads, but how do you all know when the person you were dating was THE one? Were there no doubts at all? Nothing in the back of the mind, saying, "Hey, this is great and I love him/her, but I think there might be someone else out there better suited for me."? Or, if there were doubts, how did you make the decision that this is it? That this is the person you want to share the rest of your life with?

I''m so confused right now. Some insight from all of you would be great.

 

[TravelingGal]

I said yes, I would marry him, and he became the one.

 

[KristyDarling]

TG -- as usual, your response was very concise and telling!

I agree with TG. There is no such thing as "the one." There are probably 1 million "the ones" out there in the world for you. I don''t believe in destiny when it comes to relationships. I believe that you should pick someone whose values are like yours, whose company you enjoy (majority of the time), and who you can be best friends with. Once you''ve invested yourselves into the relationship and agree to build upon it *together* over the years, then he becomes The One.

 

[Mara]

for me there was no confusion.

the reason is that for a long time i dated someone who i was confused about...thought i wanted to be with him, thought i loved him, wasn't sure, thought i didn't...wasn't sure...etc. all that indecision just really wore on me. and he was a wonderful man. he treated me very right. so of course i kept thinking, gosh i really WANT this to be the one because we could have a great life together.

but, after i got out of that relationship (we took a break and i realized that i was happier without him, that was a ding ding for me)...i wanted freedom and space and just wanted to do my own thing. greg came along at a time when i was rediscovering myself and i wasn't ready to be 'tied down' again. but somehow it was just right even though it wasn't the BEST time. and it felt way different than my old relationship. we had a time apart for 2 months and found we really wanted to be together (big diff from the other relationship) and were better together. after that it was a given.

i had some doubts right after we got engaged, just the typical freak out like OMG is this forever...but i just reminded myself of all the times it had felt so right and knowing what 'not right' or 'not sure it's right' had felt like before, i knew that i couldn't second-guess the 'right' feelings i had had all leading up to the big moment. after that i really didn't think about it again.

is there someone 'better' out there for people? who really knows. i believe that any one of us has the possibility to end up with a handful of people in our life. it just depends on who you meet and when..timing is everything. who you are when you meet someone vs where they are...and all that. sometimes you can have a lot of love and just not be meant to be together long-term.

quite frankly, in your situation, i would be wondering too. you guys have been together a really long time. have you grown into each other or apart? are your lives and careers still aligned or are you more separate than together? sometimes i wonder with couples who have been together a really long time and from formative years...if people just stay together more out of comfort love than a real actual DESIRE to be with THAT PERSON. if that makes sense. and it's not wrong...it's just something i wonder. aka that first love kinda thing can really stay with you. i know some people who have been together since high school or college and that's really all they have ever known.

 

[KimberlyH]

Love your answer, TG.

I don''t believe in "the one." What I do believe in is two people coming together at the right time and place in their lives and loving and liking each other enough to make a commitment to stick things out through good and bad.

I knew that John and I would face challenges, and I figured out what they were early on. It gave me the opportunity to decide whether or not those things were enough for me to say "this will never work" or to decide that if we compromised we could find a good middle ground. The best thing we did for our marriage/relationship is acknowelge how different we are and agree to always find compromise.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Cinderella,

I''m sorry you''re feeling confused

, if you want to share, we''re all here for you. I''ve always wondered about this whole "the one" thing. I personally have never felt this bright, aha! moment that said this is "the one" so I often wondered how it feels like to have that MOMENT. But in any case, I don''t personally believe in the concept of only 1 soulmate. I believe there are a lot of people that you can be happy with, and it all depends on meeting the right person, at the right time. I also feel you have to believe in it for it to happen to you...so since I don''t believe in it....I think there''s very little chance of it happening to me..same kind of thing with love at first sight.

Although I''m sure there are others on this forum that have had a moment where they knew he was "the one", so their replies will probably be more helpful.

 

[colorkitty]

I was very lucky. I met him and there was never an awkward moment, we understood each other right away, had the same sense of humor, and just clicked. I never wanted to get married and within 5 months I knew he was the one. We got married 3 years later.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:41:35 PM
Author: KristyDarling
TG -- as usual, your response was very concise and telling!

I agree with TG. There is no such thing as ''the one.'' There are probably 1 million ''the ones'' out there in the world for you. I don''t believe in destiny when it comes to relationships. I believe that you should pick someone whose values are like yours, whose company you enjoy (majority of the time), and who you can be best friends with. Once you''ve invested yourselves into the relationship and agree to build upon it *together* over the years, then he becomes The One.

LOL KD...what my response really "tells", I''m not sure.

I think by now most of the PS regulars know I''m somewhat cynical. I try not to OD people on it because we have a lot of to be brides here who are still in the glow of it all, and should be! But one of the things that makes me raise an eyebrow is when you ask a woman, why are you marrying him...why is he the one? and they respond, "because he makes me feel this and this and this, and I find him handsome and he makes me laugh and he understands me and supports me etc etc etc.

That to me says you are marrying someone because of what HE does, for YOU.

Like most responses here, I do not believe in the ONE. However, I will definitely say that after the honeymoon period wears off, he can certainly become the ONE who drives you batty. The ONE who doesn''t do his share of the chores. The ONE who is grumpy more than I am.

It is when he becomes THAT one, that I know he is THE one. Because somehow I make a commitment every morning to be the one for him.

 

[aquarius_ser]

I had dated and been in a couple long term relationships, first was 3 years, second was 5 years. The second relationship, I really, really, really thought I SHOULD be in love with this guy, he''s intelligent, has a good job, nice family, treats me good, etc, but something just WASN''T there. I can''t explain what it was. So I tried for 5 years to fall in love with him but I just didn''t FEEL it.

When I met my FI (at 2, there was never any question, no confusion, it was kind of amazing.... I knew with in 2 days that I would end up marrying him. It was like nothing I''d ever felt before. That''s all I can really say!

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:52:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal

However, I will definitely say that after the honeymoon period wears off, he can certainly become the ONE who drives you batty. The ONE who doesn't do his share of the chores. The ONE who is grumpy more than I am.

It is when he becomes THAT one, that I know he is THE one. Because somehow I make a commitment every morning to be the one for him.

Haha hear hear to this. No one is 'perfect' about anything in a relationship long-term....marriage is a committment.

Though I am glad to say that he can also be THE ONE to apologize for being grumpy when I suggested last nite he take the leftover mac and cheese for lunch today and he got all grouchy about how he 'doesn't have time to deal with stuff like that during my busy day'.

Now that's the one!! Especially when today he said the mac and cheese turned out to be awesome for lunch!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:55:00 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 1/8/2007 3:52:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal

However, I will definitely say that after the honeymoon period wears off, he can certainly become the ONE who drives you batty. The ONE who doesn''t do his share of the chores. The ONE who is grumpy more than I am.

It is when he becomes THAT one, that I know he is THE one. Because somehow I make a commitment every morning to be the one for him.

Haha hear hear to this. No one is ''perfect'' about anything in a relationship long-term....marriage is a committment.

Though I am glad to say that he can also be THE ONE to apologize for being grumpy when I suggested last nite he take the leftover mac and cheese for lunch today and he got all grouchy about how he ''doesn''t have time to deal with stuff like that during the day''.

Now that''s the one!!

Mara, I am laughing out loud. We married the same guy.

Last thursday, TGuy got into an argument because I was making dinner and wanted to make sure it was nice and hot for him when he came home. Now, just in case you think I am a domestic goddess, I am not...I do not always make dinner. In fact, I don''t do it regularly. I called him 3 times...once to see what time he was coming home (a normal thing for us, and in this case he said 6 pm). at 605 I called to see if he was on his way. He said it would now be 630. Long story short, he didn''t get home until 715. No big deal...but my calling him made him very grumpy and he didn''t have time to deal with it, he said. It just exasperates me when men get annoyed with you, when all you are trying to do is be NICE and caring for him. Bah!

But yes, they do apologize, because if they didn''t, they''d be the DEAD ONE.

 

[aquarius_ser]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:49:54 PM
Author: allycat0303
Hi Cinderella,

I''m sorry you''re feeling confused

, if you want to share, we''re all here for you. I''ve always wondered about this whole ''the one'' thing. I personally have never felt this bright, aha! moment that said this is ''the one'' so I often wondered how it feels like to have that MOMENT. But in any case, I don''t personally believe in the concept of only 1 soulmate. I believe there are a lot of people that you can be happy with, and it all depends on meeting the right person, at the right time. I also feel you have to believe in it for it to happen to you...so since I don''t believe in it....I think there''s very little chance of it happening to me..same kind of thing with love at first sight.

Although I''m sure there are others on this forum that have had a moment where they knew he was ''the one'', so their replies will probably be more helpful.

I did have this, aha! moment, so I guess maybe I''m in the small percentage. It is truly a moment in time frozen in my head and I don''t think I''ll ever forget it. He was dropping me off at a friend''s. He walked me the driveway and kissed me goodbye, I turned around to watch him walk back to his car and I had this "moment" like nothing ever I felt before, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I thought to myself "that''s the man I''m going to marry."

the rest is history!

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/8/2007 4:02:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/8/2007 3:55:00 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 1/8/2007 3:52:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal

However, I will definitely say that after the honeymoon period wears off, he can certainly become the ONE who drives you batty. The ONE who doesn't do his share of the chores. The ONE who is grumpy more than I am.

It is when he becomes THAT one, that I know he is THE one. Because somehow I make a commitment every morning to be the one for him.

Haha hear hear to this. No one is 'perfect' about anything in a relationship long-term....marriage is a committment.

Though I am glad to say that he can also be THE ONE to apologize for being grumpy when I suggested last nite he take the leftover mac and cheese for lunch today and he got all grouchy about how he 'doesn't have time to deal with stuff like that during the day'.

Now that's the one!!

Mara, I am laughing out loud. We married the same guy.

Last thursday, TGuy got into an argument because I was making dinner and wanted to make sure it was nice and hot for him when he came home. Now, just in case you think I am a domestic goddess, I am not...I do not always make dinner. In fact, I don't do it regularly. I called him 3 times...once to see what time he was coming home (a normal thing for us, and in this case he said 6 pm). at 605 I called to see if he was on his way. He said it would now be 630. Long story short, he didn't get home until 715. No big deal...but my calling him made him very grumpy and he didn't have time to deal with it, he said. It just exasperates me when men get annoyed with you, when all you are trying to do is be NICE and caring for him. Bah!

But yes, they do apologize, because if they didn't, they'd be the DEAD ONE.

OMG we seriously did marry twins. I swear I have had that same discussion down to the phone calls and pissy why are you late vs why are you calling me, i'm busy...thing as well. I love when I call him and he's like..'honey i am DRIVING right now' and acts all irritated. Like I have a special window into his brain to see that he's driving and maybe I shouldn't call right then? AS IF. I'm like hey buddy next time get home on time liike when you say you will and I won't need to call. DOH!

It took me almost two years to 'train' him to try to remember to call me if he was going to be really late...sometimes he still relapses and I am like hello 6pm is not 8pm. This especially drives me nuts on a Friday when I am waiting for him to come home so we can go out.

OH and then there was the other day when I was making us dinner and he said he'd be home at 7pm and calls me at 6pm to tell me that his work buds drove by and they all went to get a beer and he'll be home at 7:30 instead!

I said OH you are so lucky I didn't put the food in the oven yet, buddy. When he got home, he was VERY sweet to me...lol.

Gotta love em.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2007 4:07:48 PM
Author: Mara

OMG we seriously did marry twins. I swear I have had that same discussion down to the phone calls and pissy why are you late vs why are you calling me, i'm busy...thing as well. I love when I call him and he's like..'honey i am DRIVING right now' and acts all irritated. Like I have a special window into his brain to see that he's driving and maybe I shouldn't call right then? AS IF. I'm like hey buddy next time get home on time liike when you say you will and I won't need to call. DOH!

It took me almost two years to 'train' him to try to remember to call me if he was going to be really late...sometimes he still relapses and I am like hello 6pm is not 8pm. This especially drives me nuts on a Friday when I am waiting for him to come home so we can go out.

OH and then there was the other day when I was making us dinner and he said he'd be home at 7pm and calls me at 6pm to tell me that his work buds drove by and they all went to get a beer and he'll be home at 7:30 instead!

I said OH you are so lucky I didn't put the food in the oven yet, buddy. When he got home, he was VERY sweet to me...lol.

Gotta love em.

I hear ya. Gotta love em when they are supposed to be home by 6 and you call them at 610 and they HAVEN'T LEFT YET and the office is 30 minutes away. Where was that call eh??? Hmmm...methinks somebody should be buying me a bbag for all my troubles!

OK, enough on that. Back to our regularly scheduled program (and apologies for the threadjack!)

 

[bookworm21]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess I should elaborate on my question a bit more. I don''t know whether I really believe whether there is only one person out there that''s right for another. But what I really meant was, what made you decide that the relationship was going to be worth future arguments, troubles, etc.?

I guess Mara somewhat hit it on the head. I''ve been going back and forth between "I love him and he''s right for me" and "I love him, but I don''t know if he''s the one I''m willing to spend the rest of my life with." Lately, the latter has been winning out. We''ve been together for so long that I don''t know whether it''s a comfort thing or if it''s really love anymore. For the past year, I''ve taken trips and he''s taken trips, but we hadn''t taken one together. And to tell the truth, it doesn''t really bother me. It''s so hard to even put this into words, but I don''t know if we''ve grown apart or not. He does his own thing most of the time, and when we do manage to spend an entire day together, more often than not, we end up arguing and not talking to each other for about half the day. I''m seriously thinking this is the comfort love situation. I don''t really feel that he has a desire to be with me, although when I ask, he says he does. But actions speak louder than words, right? We rarely TALK talk. When we have a convo, it pretty much consists of his business plans and such.

I kinda feel like what aquarius_ser wrote: I think I''m trying to make myself fall in love with him again. I love him, but don''t know if I am IN love with him. And I don''t want to do anything rash or stupid at this point.

Sorry for venting. My problems seem to be ongoing, and I appear to be complaining all the time, and for that I apologize. I''m just so confused right now. I''m not getting any younger, and I''m really starting to fear that I may be throwing away the best years of my life with a guy I''m not even sure I''ll be happy with.

 

[asscherisme]

I thought he was at the time but now I am realizing that he is not. We have had ups and downs but more recently I've had this huge epiphany that we see the world very differently and have different values. But I have kids so I'm stuck and I deal with it the best I can. I don't know if its forever though. I got married VERY quickly and thats my biggest regret. Saying yes to his rush proposal and him rusihing the wedding.

edited to add: If you are having those distance problems now before marriage, thats not a good thing. Trust me, they will get worse after marriage. There is nothing in the world lonlier than being married to someone who you have to BEG for 5 minutes of time just to talk. Pathetic but true. Very lonely indeed.

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/8/2007 4:13:03 PM
Author: Cinderella

I'm just so confused right now. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm really starting to fear that I may be throwing away the best years of my life with a guy I'm not even sure I'll be happy with.

This last part to me speaks volumes.

Cinderella, this is YOUR LIFE sweetie. Not his, no one else's but yours. How do you want to live your life?

What woke me up in my previous doubt-filled relationship was that time WAS passing and while I was younger then, I was certainly not GETTING younger and why did I think after a year or two of this feeling, SUDDENLY I would wake up and have it be different. That is what I would go to bed hoping for. Maybe tomorrow I will just KNOW he's the one. BUT...that was seriously unrealistic. Things were not going to change. I was not going to change. 'Hoping' for a change is not how I wanted to live my life, it was unfair to him and me.

It's really hard to act on it though once you know that, even if it's only deep down inside. We talked about taking a break numerous times. Somehow more time would pass. Being out and on my own was SCARY. I had a great life with him...did I really want to sever that tie? When I finally did it (I was 25), it was scary... but I felt SO FREE.

I believe in being independent even within a relationship, Greg and I do a lot of things separately. But we love doing things together and with other couples. Some of my favorite times out with Greg are long dinners when we talk about the future and what we want and it's about us being together and making a life for ourselves together. I think that once you realize that your time together is not FUN or POSITIVE and that you don't miss spending time with the other person, it's kind of a wake up call. To either change it and fix it, or put it to rest and move on. Sometimes it's worth salvaging and sometimes it's not. It's really hard to tell at times which is which.

I think a lot of times inside us...we know what the answer is. But acknowledging it and acting on it are another matter. It can take a really long time to come to the realization that you need to move on. For me it was that I didn't want to keep floating through my 20's and possibly miss out on something great. And I met Greg within 7 months after breaking off this other relationship! Imagine if I had hemmed and hawed on breaking it off with the ex again and again? I might have missed that opportunity with the man that is now my husband.

 

[KristyDarling]

Cinderella -- please do not apologize! It''s great that you can vent here, and that''s what we''re here for anyway! Thanks for elaborating and shedding more light on the sitch.

First, I''m really sorry you''re going through this. [hugs] I think I know exactly what you''re talking about. It sounds like you''ve reached that point in a long-term relationship where it has gone beyond comfort zone and slipped into the "taking each other for granted" zone. I think that happens with ALL relationships at various times. It''s what happens AFTER you try get yourselves out of that rut that will help determine whether you stay together or not.

Talk to your BF. Tell him your concerns, exactly as you''ve listed them out above. Every relationship could use a new stimulus, a new spark, to rev things up again after a long time together. It''s VERY rare (if not impossible) to find a relationship that doesn''t stagnate at some point. But, if you''re meant to be, you''ll both work hard at making each other fall in love all over again. Emphasis: you should BOTH want to work hard at it. If there''s a lack of desire to work on it, then that might be your answer right there....and you may be proven right that altho you love each other, you may not be able to fall back "in love" again.

My college BF and I were together for 3 years before we realized this. We had gotten so comfy with each other, and we loved each other, but we weren''t in love anymore. And neither of us had the desire to work at falling back in love again, so we mutually decided to call it quits.

Best of luck with you and let us know how things work out. Hang in there and remember that this could be a GREAT turning point in your life, either with or without your boyfriend. And also remember that this period of time could be a valuable test of the long-term potential of your relationship. Hugs!!!

 

[allycat0303]

Cinderella,

Well I guess it depends on everything. I went back and read your old posts. I know that you wanted to get married and there was a holdup, and you worked it out. So I suppose my question is, are you tired of waiting? Do you still even want to get married? I know that with really long term relationships there are a lot of ups and downs, could this be one of them? I think it''s possible that you have grown apart. I also think that after 11 years together, you can get into a rut. Or you get too busy and start taking the relationship for granted. I would talk to him, at least tell him your concerns, work together to see if both of you can come up with a solution that works for both of you. From everything you''ve written, he sounds very career-oriented (which I by no means am saying this is a bad thing) I guess what is important is if you hold an equally (or close to equally) important place in his life.

 

[jadeleaves]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:52:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal

It is when he becomes THAT one, that I know he is THE one. Because somehow I make a commitment every morning to be the one for him.

LMAO because that is how I feel now

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2007 4:13:03 PM
Author: Cinderella
Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess I should elaborate on my question a bit more. I don''t know whether I really believe whether there is only one person out there that''s right for another. But what I really meant was, what made you decide that the relationship was going to be worth future arguments, troubles, etc.?

I guess Mara somewhat hit it on the head. I''ve been going back and forth between ''I love him and he''s right for me'' and ''I love him, but I don''t know if he''s the one I''m willing to spend the rest of my life with.'' Lately, the latter has been winning out. We''ve been together for so long that I don''t know whether it''s a comfort thing or if it''s really love anymore. For the past year, I''ve taken trips and he''s taken trips, but we hadn''t taken one together. And to tell the truth, it doesn''t really bother me. It''s so hard to even put this into words, but I don''t know if we''ve grown apart or not. He does his own thing most of the time, and when we do manage to spend an entire day together, more often than not, we end up arguing and not talking to each other for about half the day. I''m seriously thinking this is the comfort love situation. I don''t really feel that he has a desire to be with me, although when I ask, he says he does. But actions speak louder than words, right? We rarely TALK talk. When we have a convo, it pretty much consists of his business plans and such.

I kinda feel like what aquarius_ser wrote: I think I''m trying to make myself fall in love with him again. I love him, but don''t know if I am IN love with him. And I don''t want to do anything rash or stupid at this point.

Sorry for venting. My problems seem to be ongoing, and I appear to be complaining all the time, and for that I apologize. I''m just so confused right now. I''m not getting any younger, and I''m really starting to fear that I may be throwing away the best years of my life with a guy I''m not even sure I''ll be happy with.

Thanks for sharing Cinderella...

I guess the first thing I''d ask you, is do you, as an individual feel pretty healthy and happy? Just from knowing some people in my own life who are having relationship issues, I have been realizing that some people are not in a place where ANY person will make them happy. They are unhappy with themselves, and look to find outward circumstances (partner, job, etc) to pin the unhappiness on. Since I don''t know you, I''d have to ask that question first.

As KD said, I do believe that love has an ebb and flow and you simply can''t be IN love all the time. However perhaps Mara is onto something as well...if you are with him because of HABIT, there''s some reviewing and reflecting that should be done.

To answer your question on what made me decide if it was worth it...I think I was like lots of women who had doubts, cold feet. But then I realized it was more about the idea of commitment and "forever" than HIM. When I decided to take it one day at a time, that made it seem less intimidating. One day we just put the pedal to the metal and made the decision to go for it. Forging ahead.

I don''t want to take the romance out of it. TGuy still makes my heart pitter patter. At about 4 pm every day, I still get excited that he is going to be home soon. He is my best friend and we love each other and argue with each other like only best friends can. I think it''s great to take trips separately (I wish we could do more of that) but where I would worry is if I would RATHER only travel without him. That is never the case.

Love is not always exciting but it shouldn''t be devoid of it. And excitement doesn''t always mean some kind of adrenaline rush. Sometimes it''s a warm happy flush...kind of like when you come home from a long business trip and get to sleep in your own bed and you are so happy the minute you get under the covers and stretch and settle in? You know...comfort.

 

[bookworm21]

Date: 1/8/2007 6:52:20 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Thanks for sharing Cinderella...


I guess the first thing I''d ask you, is do you, as an individual feel pretty healthy and happy? Just from knowing some people in my own life who are having relationship issues, I have been realizing that some people are not in a place where ANY person will make them happy. They are unhappy with themselves, and look to find outward circumstances (partner, job, etc) to pin the unhappiness on. Since I don''t know you, I''d have to ask that question first.


As KD said, I do believe that love has an ebb and flow and you simply can''t be IN love all the time. However perhaps Mara is onto something as well...if you are with him because of HABIT, there''s some reviewing and reflecting that should be done.


To answer your question on what made me decide if it was worth it...I think I was like lots of women who had doubts, cold feet. But then I realized it was more about the idea of commitment and ''forever'' than HIM. When I decided to take it one day at a time, that made it seem less intimidating. One day we just put the pedal to the metal and made the decision to go for it. Forging ahead.


I don''t want to take the romance out of it. TGuy still makes my heart pitter patter. At about 4 pm every day, I still get excited that he is going to be home soon. He is my best friend and we love each other and argue with each other like only best friends can. I think it''s great to take trips separately (I wish we could do more of that) but where I would worry is if I would RATHER only travel without him. That is never the case.

Love is not always exciting but it shouldn''t be devoid of it. And excitement doesn''t always mean some kind of adrenaline rush. Sometimes it''s a warm happy flush...kind of like when you come home from a long business trip and get to sleep in your own bed and you are so happy the minute you get under the covers and stretch and settle in? You know...comfort.

I''ll have to say that I am a very happy person. Most who know me will agree. As for healthy...well, I''m getting over a cough right now, but other than that, I believe I''m pretty hale and hearty or however the saying goes.

And I hate to say it, but yes, I''d rather take trips with friends instead of with him. I find that whenever I go on a trip with him, we inevitably get into an argument that somewhat ruins the whole point of vacation anyway. And I despise having to hear about business plans while on vacation, which is an enduring (definitely NOT endearing) habit of his. When he''s out of town, I don''t really miss him, possibly because he''s always out anyway when he''s in town.

I am taking KD''s thoughts about the ebb and flow of love into consideration too. That''s why I''ve pretty much decided at this point to wait it out another few months to see how I feel. I don''t know if I want to approach him to talk about this though; I can see the whole conversation blowing up in my face (he''s not very open to criticism or what he interprets as criticism).

And I also remember that warm happy flush you''re talking about. I used to have it, used to anticipate his coming home. Sadly, I haven''t had those feelings in quite a while now.

Asscherisme, I''m really sorry to hear about your unhappiness with your marriage. I hope all works out for the best. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

I really appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts and experiences. It gives me something to draw on when the time comes for me to make the decision, hopefully soon, and hopefully the right one. In the meantime, I''m going to work on building back up my own life and making some new friends.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2007 7:15:50 PM
Author: Cinderella



I'll have to say that I am a very happy person. Most who know me will agree. As for healthy...well, I'm getting over a cough right now, but other than that, I believe I'm pretty hale and hearty or however the saying goes.

And I hate to say it, but yes, I'd rather take trips with friends instead of with him. I find that whenever I go on a trip with him, we inevitably get into an argument that somewhat ruins the whole point of vacation anyway. And I despise having to hear about business plans while on vacation, which is an enduring (definitely NOT endearing) habit of his. When he's out of town, I don't really miss him, possibly because he's always out anyway when he's in town.

I am taking KD's thoughts about the ebb and flow of love into consideration too. That's why I've pretty much decided at this point to wait it out another few months to see how I feel. I don't know if I want to approach him to talk about this though; I can see the whole conversation blowing up in my face (he's not very open to criticism or what he interprets as criticism).

And I also remember that warm happy flush you're talking about. I used to have it, used to anticipate his coming home. Sadly, I haven't had those feelings in quite a while now.

Asscherisme, I'm really sorry to hear about your unhappiness with your marriage. I hope all works out for the best. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

I really appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts and experiences. It gives me something to draw on when the time comes for me to make the decision, hopefully soon, and hopefully the right one. In the meantime, I'm going to work on building back up my own life and making some new friends.

Well, some people just don't travel well together...I do know happily married people who STAY happy because they will not travel together! So that in it of itself isn't cause for concern.

However you sound pretty down about this whole relationship...as if you know deep down. This may sound like totally dorky advice, but there was a time that I felt like I was not happy in my relationship, but I was worried that my perception was skewed because when you have a bad day you remember it a lot more than an "eh" one. I made a simple spreadsheet with 4 columns: Happy, Unhappy, Neutral and Notes. At the end of each day and made in X in the column with the emotion that I felt was most dominant for the day, then added any notes. At the end of the month, I did the tally and I was only unhappy about 5 or 6 days out of the month, with the rest being happy (most of it actually was happy) or neutral. I realized that things weren't that bad after all. Somehow, this stupid exercise helped me. Practical geeky girls like me like to see empirical data.

Now I'd have to say that it's maybe 2 or 3 days out of the month where I'd classify a day as "unhappy". 12 months x 3 days a month is only 36 days. I can handle just being unhappy for 36 days out of 365...that means I'm happy 90% of the time!

 

[bookworm21]

LOL, TG. Since I am a self-proclaimed geek myself, I think I will try your method and see how things pan out. Thanks for the great idea!

 

[divergrrl]

Our 3rd date....I knew he was a cutie pie, funny guy, and I was sooo smitten from our first words....

but....

I had just gotten a puppy & when he found out, he asked if he could come over to pick me up for our date about 90 minutes earlier so he could play with the "new baby".

He showed up at my place with a gift bag full of treats for my new puppy. At that moment, I knew he really liked me & if he was that thoughtful, then I could probably count on him for a long time to come.

And if that wasn''t enough, a few weeks later, my pup was over at his place & jumped up on his bed & peed on his comforter.

You know what my dh said? "oh I hated that comforter anyway, I''ll just get a new one". Then he cleaned up a poop mess a little while later with a smile on his face & whistling a merry tune.

I just knew that this kind of a man, one who didn''t let things ruffle him, would be the kind of man I''d want to raise a family with, the kind of man I could be my best & worst with.

8 years later & he''s still my happy guy...and he cleans up poo (dog, baby, cat) without complaining to this day.

Gotta love that man.

Jeannine aka divergrrl.

(oh and this year he told me he''d get certified with me too, as his gift to me, since he knows how important it is to me. He has a big fear of sharks...I told him he doesn''t have to, and if he hates it, he doesn''t have to do it, but he insists on learning so we can dive together. awwww)

 

[divergrrl]

Cinderella,

Sorry, I like to answer these threads without reading others posts first so my post isn''t influenced. LOL.

But to your seriousness, I knew from the start that I wanted to marry my DH. I was 29, and had many long term relationships before him (one 4 year, two 2.5 years, a one year-er, a 14monther) and all of those relationships felt like there was *something missing*.

One guy was great (4 year) and the others were ok, one was a total stinker. I left them all due to that nagging feeling that there might be something missing.

Lo and behold, when I met DH, nothing was missing. I felt like I won the lottery.

Sure we have our differences. One of us is a bleeding heart liberal, the other is a pro-war, pro-Bush Republican, but we manage to respectfully disagree (and not talk politics with each other, lol). But its all been worth it, and 8 years later I love him even more. Sure things have changed, mellowed out, but I found a guy that doesn''t bore me (but he''s not a bad boy), keeps me on my toes (won''t let me walk all over him), and respects the hell out of me.

I''d rather be with him than anyone else, and having our son has only made it better. (good thing for me since he looks just like daddy..acts like him too)

Sure it gets hard & we get irritated when we are tired & worn out, but the rewards & good times drastically outnumber the disagreements & bad times.

But I''ve been with OK, and I''ve been with Mr. Right Now, and there is a huge difference.

Do I believe there is someone out there for everyone? Nope. I think sometimes you wind up with a good match and sometimes its a good enough or not so good match. You either get lucky or you don''t and there''s no way we can control that. You just have to decide if you want to take a chance & be single and hope you luck into meeting a person who fits you well. Or you can accept the things that are good and worth loving and take it from there. As long as there is love, friendship, kindness, and respect, then it won''t be horrible.

But, having been where I was, and being where I am now, I''d gamble!

Jeannine

 

[Skippy123]

Cinderella,
I thought my husband was NOT for me. He is 7 years older, from the East Coast (I from NM). He is kind of quiet, very analytical and very much my opposite. We broke up for a little while, and I knew and he knew we could not live without each other. We still are opposites but we have the same morals and love traveling together.

Can you take a break from each other and see how you feel? Don''t spend too much time thinking about it, just do what is best for you right now. He loves you and if you need a break I bet he will wait. Best wishes.

 

[longtimelurker]

I think many couples I know go thru something like this in the 12-15 year period. And it can get bad. I have some friends I am truely uncomfortable being around as couples, what with the bickering, put downs and general contempt and button pushing.

Date: 1/8/2007 4:18:36 PM
Author: asscherisme
I thought he was at the time but now I am realizing that he is not. We have had ups and downs but more recently I've had this huge epiphany that we see the world very differently and have different values. But I have kids so I'm stuck and I deal with it the best I can. I don't know if its forever though. I got married VERY quickly and thats my biggest regret. Saying yes to his rush proposal and him rusihing the wedding.

edited to add: If you are having those distance problems now before marriage, thats not a good thing. Trust me, they will get worse after marriage. There is nothing in the world lonlier than being married to someone who you have to BEG for 5 minutes of time just to talk. Pathetic but true. Very lonely indeed.

It's interesting that when you stop chasing, and then go to lead your own life; asking for nothing, then the other person chases you. Yin and yang. If you don't BEG for 5 minutes, but instead don't even stop to ask (and are perfectly happy with the support from others) that is when the other person will want to give you hours.

 

[asscherisme]

ltl, I''ve tried that and we will go days without communicating. Sigh. We are coming up on 12 years and hopefully its just a very lonng phase we are going through. When I say beg, I don''t mean literally. Its more like, I just need 5 minutes to discuss whats going on with the day, kids etc and even thats tough for him to give me.

Well this is Cinderella''s thread so I don''t want to hijack it!

Cinderella, if you are having doubts, maybe a break is a good idea??

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 1/8/2007 3:34:24 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I said yes, I would marry him, and he became the one.

well said, TravelingGal

My hubby always says that marriage is 60% commitment and 40% emotion.

Meaning, that yours feelings for someone mean for someone mean alot, but you won''t always have lovely dovey thoughts about your special someone. You will get mad at eachother, and mad at things that he does, etc...but you love them and have commitment.

Are there are other people out there that you could be compatible with, be attracted to, etc....sure. but you only commit to one.