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How did you know you were ready to START having kids?

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ephemery1

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Sophie''s thread about knowing when you were done having kids turned into such an interesting conversation, but being 27 years old and getting married in 4 months, I''m thinking more these days about when we''re going to START our family.....

We both know we want children (he wants 2, I want 4... we hope to settle somewhere in between!)... but right now we live in the city, so I guess ideally we''d be in a house in the burbs before trying for a baby. I''m going to be fresh out of grad school and job-hunting this summer, maybe considering a PhD at some point, so there are some career/academic considerations too. So I guess RATIONALLY it would make sense to wait a few years, but I''ve had the baby bug since I was about 12... and part of me wants to stop trying to plan everything so meticulously and see what happens!

So for those of you who are recently pregnant, already parents, or starting to think about it... how did you know you were ready?
 

curlygirl

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Good question! Some people say you can never be ready for it and there will never be a right time!

I think for me and my husband it was pretty clear cut. We were older when we got married (I was 35, he was 36) so we knew that we were also at a point in our lives where children were the next step and we both wanted them sooner rather than later. We both have stable jobs, just bought a condo in NYC and have a pretty easy life so we know that having a child will definitely change things but it''s something that we BOTH want. So I went off the pill on my wedding day, waited a few months and got pregnant 6 months after getting married! Our baby is due in May, 2007 and although it''s terrifying, it''s also something that we believe we are really ready for.

I think something just clicks inside you and you figure out when the time is right--and it''s different for everyone. Right now, my best friend who got married 3 months after me is obsessed with getting pregnant and has been ever since she found out that I am. It''s a little weird because I think neither she nor her husband is really prepared for the challenges of having and raising a child. He doesn''t work, she''s the breadwinner and she spends money like a drunken sailor! I don''t think they are ready to change their carefree lifestyle but I''m not getting involved--to each his own!!

You really just have to prioritize and figure out what is the most important thing to you at the moment. And trust me, you don''t have to plan everything! Sometimes things just happen when they''re supposed to. You''re still young so don''t worry about that either! Just make sure you and your soon to be hubby are on the same page and keep the lines of communication open on this topic. You''ll know when the time is right...
 

KimberlyH

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John and I have yet to decide, as I stated in Sophie''s thread, but we do have some parameters in place:

Must be married at least 18 months (we want to learn to be married before we learn to be parents)
I need to have finished school (I''m working on my MA)
I''ll be younger than 35 (that is my personal cut off point, so we have 5.5 years)
We''ll have traveled abroad at least once (we''re thinking Europe for graduation next spring)


My guess is that if we do decide to have children we''ll start trying sometime during spring/summer next year as I don''t think I want to embark on my teaching career to have to leave and then come back again. I am going to be substituting very soon (I just finished filling out the paperwork) so it will be a good in between job, related to the degree I am pursuing, and that I won''t feel too tied to if I get pregnant as I want to stay home for at least the first 3 years.

 

Allisonfaye

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We got married when we were 39 so there was really no waiting for us. We were lucky enough to get to do a lot of things before having children, which I highly recommend.

Just some random thoughts here: I would definately suggest being married a while (at least a year) first. I would ideally have liked to have done that but at 39, it wasn''t a very smart option. I would have liked to have had more time to just be alone and enjoy each other than we did. I think a lot of time the second couple say "I do'' the wife wants to have a baby. The excitement and luster of wedding planning is over and she needs something to occupy herself. But I think many men just need a little more time and attention before she turns her attention to a baby. You don''t think it will happen to you but when you have a baby, you become consumed with the needs of this little creature (as you should) but invariably the hubby gets neglected a bit. Some men cope with this better than others.

I would also wait to buy a house in the burbs until you are at least pregnant. If for some reason it took you a while to get pregnant, you could still have fun in the city. The burbs are dull if you don''t have any kids.

If I had been able to wait longer to have kids, I would have traveled more. We could afford it much easier both $$ wise and timewise. We used to go on two or three trips a year. Now we take one. It is just too hard with little kids.

From an old chick to a young one: You are very young still. Enjoy being married a while first.
 

Sundial

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My husband and I were fairly young (22 and 24) when we got married and we had only known each other for 11 months so I wanted to wait at least five years. I felt that would give us some time to be just a couple for a while, to be more stable financially, and for me to get my career on its feet so I could choose to keep working or not. We had our first child when I was 29 and the second when I was 31 and we are still married after 29 years!
 

poptart

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I''ve wondered about this, too, although I know it will be several years before we actually have kids. I think I am more in love with the IDEA of having kids, rather than actually going through it. We''re only 20, so we have oodles of time (ok, maybe not oodles, but a lot). I want to try and have kids before I''m 30, just for personal comfort because my mom was older when she adopted me. We want to travel quite a bit before having kids because I don''t think we will travel for quite a while after having kids. Not to mention we need to make sure stable jobs and health insurance are all in place. There is SO much to prepare for when having children, and I think the scariest part is that you never ARE fully prepared! But DH and I are still really excited to start a family.

*M*
 

ammayernyc

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My fiance sort of decided for me! He took his sweet time proposing (dating for almost 5 years... and I recently found out he had been looking at rings for OVER A YEAR) but now that he has he''s even talked about getting pregnant before the wedding. I was like, uh... NO! I just bought an expensive wedding dress, I''m going to look goooood in it.

So, I''m thinking I''ll go off birth control right after the honeymoon. So, hopefully this time next year I''ll be preggers!
 

Ellen

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I knew I was ready when I found out I was pregnant. Not planned, about a year after we were married.
 

Mara

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lol i don't know when we'll know we are ready!!!! we have all these *things* we have to do before we want to have kids but are you ever really READY or is it just like...oh look...positive pregnancy test! okay we're ready, lol.

i think most of the people i know who have had kids just kind of said 'okay we're not TOTALLY ready but we're in an okay space so lets see' and then POOF. kids come along!

i also think you GET ready pretty quickly when it happens. hehe.

oh and the one 'requirement' for us is that we both need to be in a space where we can survive on one income long-term if necessary AND the person whose income we'd use (gregs) is stable and he is happy there. so since that's totally not the case right now (the happy part) then we're totally not ready. mentally thinking about what steps we'd need to take to be in a position where we might be ready in the next 2 years or so (environment wise).
 

Ellen

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Date: 1/16/2007 7:33:46 PM
Author: Mara
lol i don''t know when we''ll know we are ready!!!! we have all these *things* we have to do before we want to have kids but are you ever really READY or is it just like...oh look...positive pregnancy test! okay we''re ready, lol.
BINGO!
 

dani13

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We are getting married in September- I will be 29 and FI will be 33...we definitely want children, but we absolutely want to be married and enjoy life as a married couple for a little while before that happens. I do realize that once we make the decision to have children, it will never be about US anymore, it will be about the kid(s) and that is it. And, this time will never come again- when we can be young and carefree and somewhat unaccountable...
Having a family is something we would eventually love to do, but not anytime in the near furure....I figure about 2 yrs after the wedding?
 

Kaleigh

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We agreed to wait a year before trying to conceive. We traveled and had a blast. By my one year anniversary I was pregnant. We were thrilled. I had my daughter at 26 and my son at 28. For us it was just as we wanted it. I didn''t want to wait too long to have kids as my mom had major problems getting pregnant. She had 6 miscarriages before she finally had me. I don''t think one is ever really ready....
I remember being elated, then thinking OMG we are going to be parents yikes!!!! But it was all good. The bad was good too. Even the terrible two''s, nah just kidding, could have hit the fast forward button on that stage, lol!!!!!!
 

flutterby

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i dont know if there ever is a perfect time. i was hoping to wait a year or two after we got married. we just got married in august, i''m 30 he is 39....just found out i''m pregnant! I was in shock for awhile, but we will be fine. I had just quit my job, but we are okay without my income. i kind of want a temporary job during the pregnancy, to keep me busy and bring in a little money.....

so i guess, i dont know if you ever know your ready, i think you know when your not!
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/16/2007 3:21:44 PM
Author:ephemery1
So for those of you who are recently pregnant, already parents, or starting to think about it... how did you know you were ready?
well.... at first I was in no hurry.... I enjoyed sleeping in on the weekend and waking up with my husband often staying in bed for hours on the weekend and our world was full.... we were living on the east coast far from family and had this wonderful bubble that was all for us. I remember imagining kids running into the bed to be with us and I thought oh no - don''t want them to ruin this wonderful peace! lol

So then one christmas it was just the two of us.... we slept in a bit, got up.... just a few gifts under the tree... made some coffee or cocoa or something and I sat on the couch and he sat in the chair, the tree between us.... and we settled in -no hurry whatsoever.... we both looked at the tree and then looked at each other and smiled and then both of us looked down the hallway, the empty hallway and looked back at each other and he sighed and I said christmas would be so much better with kids and he said yes it would.... and it has been every year since :)
 

chrono

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Cehra,
I love the way you wrote about knowing "when"; I felt so warm and fuzzy after reading it.

For us, we knew we had to have the minimum
1. Finish college
2. Get a stable job and work a few years to "establish" our careers
3. Buy a house
4. Get the "selfish" bug out of our system (basically get a chance to do lots of things together, do whatever we want and go places on a whim)

Since we were in our early 20''s when we married, we agreed that at least 5 years of marriage is plenty of time to acheive all of the above. So after our major vacation that was 2 weeks long and roughly 5 years later, we just knew it was time.
 

NYCsparkle

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My husband and i had a right after the honeymoon baby.
Before the wedding we discussed when and since we had a house and $ in savings we said--when it happens, it happens. the doctor said it would prob. take between 6-9 months to get pregnant---yeah right---i got married in oct and we found out on thanksgiving--
lol. had i gotten married younger it would have been a different story. i would have waited a while. but we were 30 so.... and now we have a beautiful baby boy. my husband would like to start trying for #2 next year, but i think i''ll wait at least 2 more years b4 i try again.
 

curlygirl

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Date: 1/17/2007 1:23:25 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/16/2007 3:21:44 PM
Author:ephemery1
So for those of you who are recently pregnant, already parents, or starting to think about it... how did you know you were ready?
well.... at first I was in no hurry.... I enjoyed sleeping in on the weekend and waking up with my husband often staying in bed for hours on the weekend and our world was full.... we were living on the east coast far from family and had this wonderful bubble that was all for us. I remember imagining kids running into the bed to be with us and I thought oh no - don''t want them to ruin this wonderful peace! lol

So then one christmas it was just the two of us.... we slept in a bit, got up.... just a few gifts under the tree... made some coffee or cocoa or something and I sat on the couch and he sat in the chair, the tree between us.... and we settled in -no hurry whatsoever.... we both looked at the tree and then looked at each other and smiled and then both of us looked down the hallway, the empty hallway and looked back at each other and he sighed and I said christmas would be so much better with kids and he said yes it would.... and it has been every year since :)
This is the best story I''ve heard in a long time! So sweet and since I''m a pregnant mess of hormones it brought tears to my eyes! Very touching and inspiring...
 

mrssalvo

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we were married almost a year when we decided we were ready. I was 29 when I had my first and 31 with my second. We already had a house and were living on one income (his) when we decided b/c I knew I wanted to be able to stay home at least while the kids were little.
 

KristyDarling

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Date: 1/16/2007 7:33:46 PM
Author: Mara
lol i don''t know when we''ll know we are ready!!!! we have all these *things* we have to do before we want to have kids but are you ever really READY or is it just like...oh look...positive pregnancy test! okay we''re ready, lol.

i also think you GET ready pretty quickly when it happens. hehe.
That''s pretty much right-on.
It''s rare to find a couple that is truly ready for this life-changing experience. (The exception might be couples with fertility issues who have been trying for a long time.) I would think that as long as there is a steady income and a stable, happy relationship (or good emotional health if you''re single) -- you can MAKE it work. If you''re lucky enough to have that, then it''s just a matter of how long you might want to "play" before settling down to have a baby. I highly recommend doing at least 1-2 years worth of traveling, spending time with friends, lots of late nights out, taking up fun hobbies, etc etc before you start trying for a kid. You never know if you''ll be one of the women who gets pregnant on the first shot! All of this is assuming in you''re still in your 20s. If you''re 30 or older, I''d seriously consider moving your timeline up if possible. Fertility BEGINS to decline in your late 20''s and by the time you hit 30, the odds of miscarriage or high-risk pregnancies goes up quite a bit.

If we hadn''t detected my fertility problems so early on, then we would definitely have waited longer to have children -- at least another year. We REALLY regret not having traveled *at all* before we became parents. (DH was travel-averse, but not anymore) Now we have to wait several years until the kids are a lot older, or in college, before we can take a long, romantic getaway. We also really miss being able to take off on a moment''s notice to do whatever we want, whether it''s a late dinner at a nice restaurant, or popping over to a friend''s house to hang out.
 

MINE!!

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OMG MS FLUTTER!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

KristyDarling

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Date: 1/17/2007 11:42:12 AM
Author: msflutter
i dont know if there ever is a perfect time. i was hoping to wait a year or two after we got married. we just got married in august, i''m 30 he is 39....just found out i''m pregnant! I was in shock for awhile, but we will be fine. I had just quit my job, but we are okay without my income. i kind of want a temporary job during the pregnancy, to keep me busy and bring in a little money.....

so i guess, i dont know if you ever know your ready, i think you know when your not!
I just noticed this. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Have a happy and healthy 9 months!
 

Ellen

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Date: 1/17/2007 4:41:59 PM
Author: KristyDarling
I just noticed this. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Have a happy and healthy 9 months!
I totally missed this too, somehow. Anyway, congrats!!! They change your life, but in oh so many good ways.
 

robbie3982

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Congrats msflutter!

What a timely topic this is
. I''ve recently been freaking out about ever being ready to have kids (probably at least somewhat related to my post about GAD below). I''ve always known that I wanted kids, but now that it''s getting closer to when we''ll actually be ready to have them, I feel so unprepared.

There was a discussion about having kids w/ my FMIL, future aunt in law and a future cousin a few weeks ago (another future cousin is pregnant). FMIL told me that everyone she knows was upset for at least a little bit when they found out they were pregnant, even if they were trying. I''m pretty sure that I''ll be freaking out for about 9 months. lol.
 

Skippy123

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Congrats Mrs. Flutter and Divergrl!


I am ready and we have been married almost 7 years. We have been TRYING for 7 MO. and it isn't happening. I wonder when I should start worrying?????


How long does it take most people???? I have do the ovulation tests too. Hmmmmmm
 

poptart

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Congrats Ms. Flutter!!

*M*
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/17/2007 10:33:26 PM
Author: Skippy123
Congrats Mrs. Flutter and Divergrl!


I am ready and we have been married almost 7 years. We have been TRYING for 7 MO. and it isn''t happening. I wonder when I should start worrying?????


How long does it take most people???? I have do the ovulation tests too. Hmmmmmm
It took us 11 mos for our first to get a keeper... You can be reassured by your docs if that would help, but I''d give it a year or so before I went in unless time was a serious issue...
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/17/2007 3:13:46 PM
Author: curlygirl

This is the best story I''ve heard in a long time! So sweet and since I''m a pregnant mess of hormones it brought tears to my eyes! Very touching and inspiring...
awww :*) ::sniffs:: that''s sweet, thank you! That''s just how it was and even gosh, 14 years later we still remember that *moment* :) Doncha love hormones hehe ;-) And thanks chrono :) It makes up for how we decided to get married I guess LMAO!!
 

Skippy123

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Thanks for the reasurrance!!!!

Date: 1/17/2007 11:07:37 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/17/2007 10:33:26 PM
Author: Skippy123
Congrats Mrs. Flutter and Divergrl!


I am ready and we have been married almost 7 years. We have been TRYING for 7 MO. and it isn''t happening. I wonder when I should start worrying?????


How long does it take most people???? I have do the ovulation tests too. Hmmmmmm
It took us 11 mos for our first to get a keeper... You can be reassured by your docs if that would help, but I''d give it a year or so before I went in unless time was a serious issue...
 

anchor31

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Congrats ms flutter!!!


J once told me he'd like to have one child before he's 30; I'd have to get pregnant at 25 for that. That's in less that 4 years, 2 years after we'll be married... I want children and I'm looking forward to it, but it seems a little soon! It's also very important for me that we have a house before we have kids. So... we'll see! J understands that his "30 timeline" might not work because of our 3 and a half years age difference and my attending college, and he's okay with it.

ETA: Skippy - It took my parents 7 YEARS to become pregnant with my brother, so I woudn't be worried about 7 months...
 
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