How did you know you WANTED kids?

[Tybee]

Oh All,
I''m a teacher, and have been one for about 11 + years (if you count the years before teaching grade school, when I taught preschool, I''ve been teaching forever!) I am so impressed with all of your careful consideration and thought.

I think after years of teaching all ages, the thought of parenting TERRIFIES me. Although I adore kids, I have seen them in all shapes and sizes, with all sorts of talents and struggles. I think I am aware that parenting is a HUGE undertaking.

Because I am 38 and newly married, I hear from everyone how we "really should get started..." what a great mom I''d be, etc. But honestly, I think that because I question it, I shouldn''t even attempt it. My husband and I have discussed both areas of regret... I think if I''m 38 and still not ready, than it''s not for me, AND that''s okay. There are tons of kids in this world. I am lucky enough to get to be a HUGE part of many children''s lives every day. I also am lucky enough to get to go home to my space and chill out. I cannot imagine being needed 24/7. I do admire wonderful parents. We are lucky that you are around in this world. There are plenty of parents that are not so wonderful, and plenty of children who feel it every day. I don''t think there''s anything selfish about not having children. It''s people who want to have them without all the careful consideration that you all have done here... that often find themselves being selfish.

Best of luck to all the mommies and mommie-wannabes out there! Mine, my hopes are with you for those pink lines!

 

[MINE!!]

Thanks Tybee!! I am trying to relax and enjoy the trying... it is just when it is "about that time to find out" that I get nervous (good nervous) and sometimes too hopeful. (smile)

I agree with the having to teach the same lessons over and over. I think the hardest part of being a parent is the part that you are going through at the time sometimes. When I look back at the 2''s abd 5''s, I gaffaw.. Difficult? HA!@!!!! No way.

I think what I am having a difficult time with is now, right now, wondering if I did the right thing, taught the right lesson. If I am "working myself out of a job" so to speak. It makes me proud when I see my oldest make good decisions and I see her passion and compassion for others and things she beleives in. But, it makes me scared knowing that the things I say and do EVERY moment influence the kind of person who my children are and who they will become. I am afraid I will mess up. AND I HAVE definetly made big time mistakes, some of them, I kick myself over and others, I learn from. It makes me re-evaluate who I am often, and I guess, I have to grow up sometimes with her. Motherhood makes you reflect on who you are and what you want to be to your children. You have to learn to step back and let go, and I know even when I do let go, I hurt inside, but being a mother is my job and it is the one job that I need to "work myself out of"

INteresting, my oldest and I had this coversation the other night ( we now go for car rides together, take the long way home from the grocery store. She asked me if I remembered when I came to her 3rd grade class and talked about my old job and how I used to travel and make lots of money, but I quit to work even harder at my most difficult and best job, being a mom. Well, I told her that I had and I told her that I was working every day to "work myself out of my job" by teaching her how to not need me. She said, "Even if I don;t need you, I will always love and want you mommy." It is those moments that remind me why I love being my daughters mother.

 

[littlelysser]

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I''m definitely still in the mulling and contemplating phase. At this point, well for the past couple weeks, I''ve found myself really thinking about how life would change with a baby/child.

I realize that this is something that people that always wanted kids probably did for most of their lives...but for me, honestly, it is like a whole new world. I know. I sound silly. And I have a number of friends with children - so I am definitely aware of the difference between having a baby and a child.

And I am also aware that this is a huge decision and one that should not be undertaken lightly...hence the discussion with my FI - and I really don''t think the fact that one is concerned about what kind of parent they''d made or whether they should really have children means they shouldn''t have them. I think anyone that thinks about being a parent - and all of the responsibility that goes along with it -would be kind of kidding themselves if they didn''t worry about having a child and raising it right, you know?

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 1/22/2007 3:16:00 PM
Author: littlelysser
Thanks for all the replies everyone.


and I really don''t think the fact that one is concerned about what kind of parent they''d made or whether they should really have children means they shouldn''t have them. I think anyone that thinks about being a parent - and all of the responsibility that goes along with it -would be kind of kidding themselves if they didn''t worry about having a child and raising it right, you know?

I agree, I actually feel that everyone person who has a child should consider it, not nessacarily not have child because they do. I think that was the point I was trying to make. People who have children and do not worry about raising them right, probably should not have children.

 

[ljmorgan]

I always wanted to have children. I have such good memories from my childhood, growing up in a family, and I want that family for myself and my husband, too. Shortly after dating my husband and I had the "children" talk and he said he''d like two children, and I would like two or three. To me there is nothing better than family! What has surprised me, is that when I was in college I did not think I wanted children until I was maybe 28-30 -- now I believe we''ll start much sooner than that, probably in two years.

 

[colorkitty]

and I really don't think the fact that one is concerned about what kind of parent they'd made or whether they should really have children means they shouldn't have them.

Just to add a different perspective. I'm one of those people who won't have kids because I'm concerned over what kind of parent I KNOW I'd be. I have women tell me: "The very fact that you're worried that you'd be a bad parent proves you'd be a GREAT parent! You should totally have kids. You won't regret it." That always bugs me. I'm trying to tell them I'd be a bad mother, and they're telling me not to worry my pretty head about it.

I just don't understand why anyone who thinks they'd be a bad parent or who isn't sure they want to parent would have kids. Makes no sense. You're taking an enormous risk, and you're doing it with someone else's live.

 

[diamondfan]

I think if you really feel strongly that you will NOT be a good parent, even if you might be wrong once the baby came, how can you just take a chance? Meaning, if that is how you feel, your feelings count, and even if somehow someone had a crystal ball and knew you would in reality be a great parent, if you do not feel that way, it is your right not to procreate! Sometimes people like to make jokes about how they are too selfish to be a parent and do not want to give up X and Y by becoming parents. I might point out a different perspective, like it is not necessarily like that, once you have kids it all sort of comes together, but I would never insist to someone who feels they would not be a good parent that yes they would be. And it is in a sense a gamble, if you have them even if you do not think you would make a good parent...you are taking the risk that you might be right and now you have brought this life into the world...

 

[DonaBella]

I know alot of you have responded to this thread, but I hadn't yet and felt I should. Most of you know I am the mom of 9 kids, 7 sons and 2 daughters. I didn't plan to have a large family, but I did have an inkling of a feeling when I was dating people that I knew I wanted a couple of kids for sure.

I think most of us, whether we are consciously aware of it or not, have thought about it. Doesn't really matter if we feel we can admit it or not to anyone. For me, I did have the thinking that when you met the right person, you'd know if you wanted to have kids with them or not. There is alot to consider if you plan to procreate with someone.

Does he want kids too? Would he make a good father? What kind of family does he come from? Overall, does what he have what it takes to parent with me? Even if you do not have kids for a long time, these are questions I feel one SHOULD consider...even if you choose NOT to have kids. Bonus/surprise babies do happen unless you take measures to insure they do not.

I am the oldest of 4 kids. I did my share of babysitting and believe me, that was birth control on its own, so I was not in any hurry to have a kid. I also knew I had to be done BEING a kid before having one. I knew I needed to be able to put another person's needs before my own and do alot of sacrifice of sleep, time, etc. But I also knew from seeing it the benefits of being a parent and I yearned for that experience. I saw how happy, really happy people were who chose to have kids, despite the barf, the poopy diapers...even despite a loss of a baby to SIDS. I knew a couple who had a baby son around the same time we had our daughter or just before. They lost their little one before he was 3 months old. I felt so bad for them.

After our daughter was born and we took her to be blessed at church, the couple shared with a group of us that they had decided to try again as soon as they could. They said that even though they lost their son, it taught them both how precious life was and how much they truly wanted a family. They went on to have a healthy little girl ten months later.

I love what others have said on here about being a "mom" versus being a "parent". So true. Hey, nothing worth having is easy! Creating a little person who grows up to be a positive contribution to society takes time, work, alot of patience and a sense of humor. I have contributed to the growth of 9 people and I only hope that they all fulfill their potential.

Did I do it strictly for what I would experience? No. I grew as a person more than I ever thought possible and still am learning and developing(hello--still raising a 10 yr old, a 12 year old, a 15 yr old and a 16 year old!

). Besides being a mom, I have had my own image consulting business which I could do pregnant--which I was, alot. I worked temp in many a business office. One office I was hired for originally had scheduled me to work for only 3 weeks, but kept me on for 3 months due to my "finesse" at handling squabbles with clients and working through other types of disagreements that I learned how to handle because of being a mom! How about that!?

My family has learned how to appreciate me more when I have been gone for a wee bit of time to bring in a little to money pot. My supervisory skills and managerial skills have been honed thanks to being a mom. Organizational and time management skills have been sharpened out of necessity, as has budget restraints. I share this because being a mom of 2, 3 or more kids forces you to LEARN. If I had stayed on my original path to be in business or a flight attendant, I know I would have not given it up to be a mother. I know me and that would have been too challenging to give up. For me, this was the right path. Now, I do want and will be working a little part time to supplement our income or just to put away for retirement and a little money for me, but it is MY choice. The timing for me is essential for the balance of my home. If many of you followed me around for a week, you'd be exhausted with the lineup of "have tos".

Everyone is so different with this topic. You have to give yourself time to really search this out and understand what you, in the end, decide. I love our holidays with our kids and family. But I am sure I would have adapted if I had chose not to be a mom as well. This is not one of those issues you decide to put off until you have to face it or when everyone else is "doing" it. I agree that you should search it out, but don't discount your abilities to be a parent. My gosh. I am SO not the best parent! Please!

I really like what Mine said. When you see those two pink lines and realize the possibility and you have a flutter of butterflies, its ok to be happy. To be excited. With every baby, I was reduced to my knees in appreciation that I could have a baby. So many I knew could not and even though I am way out there as a out of the ordinary mom to 9 kids, I feel priviledged that they arrived with all of their toes, fingers, eyes in the right places, etc. Some may say I over did it. Some may say I was careless. Whatever. No one knows what led to my big family without asking, so I really don't care about those with sourpuss attitudes. Believe me, I have seen families of 2 or 3 kids where I parents just are not cut out to be parents and have told me so. I feel for their kids.

I have a DIL who may never give me grandkids but if that is the case, so be it. Will I love her less? NO! I respect her awareness that she may not be mommy material. But as time goes by, she has the right and option to change her mind and IF she does, great, but I really REALLY want it to be right for her and our son. Our son and our DIL have struggled just to stay married and I am focusing on that more these days.

Be aware of why you do or do not want kids...right now or ever. As long as you know that, the rest of the people in your life should respect your decision, whatever it is. I do not point fingers at those who choose to not have kids cuz I had enough fingers and unwanted advice/comments about my situation. Respect should be plentiful regardless of what one chooses...Kids have it tough in this world already under the best of circumstances. Why make things worse by bringing into a family with parents who regret being parents? Every child ideally should be a loved and wanted child, even if you end up figuring out when they arrive that you really want them. For me, it is one hell of a ride that I am glad I had the guts to take and am so far not doing too bad at it, so I am told!

 

[diamondfan]

Deanne, you are a total inspiration...I never read your posts without trying to imagine you, with your wonderful big family gathered around, and just with three, I have one third the sense of a typical day for you. You are amazing!

I think what is interesting to me is I had more than a couple of friends decide they did not want kids. Then, accidents happened, as they are known to. One lost a baby to miscarriage, but like you said, the loss can have an impact that is not expected. Rather than relief, she felt sad and decided it meant she really did want to be a mom, so she tried again. Not the situation for all people, but it can happen.

Also, as long as you can have a child, you can change your mind TO have one, but if you did not really want them, and have one anyway, you cannot go back. Some people just really know, one way or the other, what they want, and I really feel admiration for them. It is a scary and very important committment, overwhelming but wonderful at the same time.

 

[DonaBella]

I appreciate your comments Diamond. I hope I haven''t offended anyone cuz that is never my intent. I, too, am glad so many appear to be taking the time to sort through their thoughts about having kids. I wish alot of people would spend the energy to do so. Maybe we''d have more sound homes as a result.

Parenting is a daunting resonsibility and I am not dismissing this in any way, shape or form. I do hope from my often times lengthy(and I am sorry that they are...I get on a roll about things I am passionate about! Please forgive me...

) posts that others can see that someone as out of the ordinary as me can see both sides of an issue...at least I think so. Maybe in some appropriate topic I will upload a recent pic of me so all of you can see me. I kind of avoid the camera cuz I have a hard time seeing a pic of me, but I recently took some photos for a gift for my hubby and they are ok, as a matter of fact.

I mention this because I know if I was any of you I''d want to know what a harried mom of 9 kids looks like. No problem! I think I am a tad different than folks might imagine.

Back to the topic...To those of you contemplating becoming a parent...Take whatever advice given here, sort through it. Ponder over it. This is a life altering decision that has life-enhancing benefits. Parenting is as different for you or me as is getting married. One must understand what you are getting into, but realize that with getting married, you can get out of it should it not work out. Parenthood is lifelong. Your effectiveness at being a parent is largely determined on what you strive to do to make it work. It is not guaranteed. Nothing is. I have had my share of times where I have questioned my abilities to be a good mom but I just am not a quitter. Especially when it is for someone who is a part of yourself. Its like another chance to get things right. I often times look at different kids and am in awe that I had anything to do with them.

There is alot of amazing people in this world, in my world, who do not have kids of their own and I do not see them in any lesser view than my friends with kids. Actually, until this thread, I hadn''t really thought of them that way. Some of them were wise enough to know where they would flourish the best. Others are still figuring that out. No matter.

You are wise to take you time to sort things through. Do not let others determine your life for you or its choices...Best wishes...