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How did you know you WANTED kids?

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littlelysser

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Considering the current rash of topics re: children, I thought I''d see what responses I got here.

The reason I ask?

Well, my FI and I were always pretty sure we didn''t want any children. Well, the last two months have made me change my stance a bit - a friend who is in a very similar circumstance to me (although she is married) is 8 months preggo and I went to her baby shower last weekend...and for one of the first times EVER I found myself wanting a baby. And before that, I hung with the three year old daughter of another friend of mine, who is the MOST delightful and intelligent little girl. Moral of the story, I *think* I am really considering it. Which is scary!

How did you know you wanted kids?
 

Miranda

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For me, there''s never been a moment in my life that I''ve NOT wanted children. Between playing with dolls and babysitting, having children has always been a number one goal for me. Now, that goal was met at a VERY young age...SURPRISE...which, isn''t the right thing for everyone, but, for us it has been wonderful...So, we travel after the kids have left home instead of before


Don''t be surprised that your mind is changing. I think that happens to a lot of women. My friend and her DH had a child with the mentality that she was getting older and it was now or never, but, they didn''t have a strong drive to be parents. She was critical of my choice to stay home with the kids and said she''d be back at work within 6 weeks of her daughters birth. Well, her daughter is now 2 and she has yet to go back to work. She adores being a parent and is now expecting #2. It''s OK for minds to change.

How does your FI feel about it? This can be a HUGE issue for some couples.
 

littlelysser

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I never really wanted a child until recently. Wasn''t a goal of mine. I went to law school in 1998 - thought I''d be a career person...joked that I didn''t have the mommy gene. I was miserable working at big firm and now I''m working for a judge and I love my job. And now, well, it is just different.

FI is fairly ambivalent about it. Again...this is something that has just recently come up for me...He was more open to it than I would have imagined. And he is the most patient and amazing person...but he''s never even held a baby!

Honestly, and this may sound bad, but he trusts my judgment on these things - of course, he weighs with his opinion - and if he said NO NO NO, that would be an issue...gah. I don''t know.
 

ephemery1

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Much like Miranda, I spent my whole life dreaming of being a mommy... when I was 5, it was what I wanted to be when I grew up... at the age of 8, I bought my first baby name book and had amassed the largest doll collection in the neighborhood. At 10, I was writing short stories about huge families and volunteering in the church nursery... by 14, I was the most coveted town babysitter... and that continued well into college.

But after that, I started to feel like I''d had my fill for a while. I still loved children but I definitely wasn''t in a rush anymore... especially working in psychology, where you see a LOT of screwed-up kids and realize what an enormous (and risky!) undertaking it is to be a parent. You realize it''s not really about cuddly babies and crayon cards on Mother''s Day... it''s about being responsible for a human life in its entirety... including the rebellion, illness, fears, wrong choices and everything in between.

But after FI and I had been together a few years, and I saw his own enthusiasm for being a father, my vision of the future started to seem more real... and even more so when our friends and relatives began having kids. And now, realizing I''ll be a 28 year old married woman as of this summer, I feel half paralyzed with shock and half overwhelmed with excitement about being this close to something I''ve wanted so much for so long.
 

Mara

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lol all these kid and parent threads are funny.

we don't know that we want kids. we kind of do. kind of don't. but i'm sure we'd make great parents. just not sure if it's in the plan. we are both in our 30's (greg is 38) so really we kind of have to decide in the next year or two if it's a go or no. i think we could kind of go either way. we love our life the way it is...but at times we both think it'd be so fabulous to have a family around us...we love being part of our families with our siblings, so that is both how we were raised. but on the other hand, it's so nice to not have to be responsible for anyone other than ourselves and the pet rat. and disposable income is our own. but on the other hand yet again...we kind of both think...well isn't that the whole reason for getting married? procreating? then we think, no not anymore. so yeah..we waffle.


if it 'just happened' i'm sure we'd be excited and jazzed and all that. but to make the decision to HAVE them and try...that's something we haven't even figured out yet.

oh and yeah when i am around friends that are preggo...aka i had three of them pregnant at the same time this last summer, i was like oh my god that seems so awesome, look at how their lives are changing, how they are changing, the miracle of life, the meshing of two individuals, blah blah. but then after they weren't pregnant anymore...i'm like..ehh...i dunno. the kids are cute and all but...now no one i know is preggo so i feel more 'normal' again about not being sure, haah.
 

KimberlyH

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John and I are in a similar situation as Mara and Greg. He turns 39 this year and I turn 30 and we still haven't decided whether or not we'll have kids. As I've stated we're 75% sure the answer is yes but nothing is concrete.

When I was younger I always wanted to have children, lots of them actually, but as I have grown older my awareness of the world and perceptions have changed quite a bit. I am the youngest of 36 grandchildrenon my dad's side of my family. All but three of my cousins have had at least 2 children of their own, most of whom lived nearby when I was growing up, so you can imagine the amount of babysitting/child contact I've had. I am studying to be a teacher. I adore children. But I am still not sure if I want my own.

There are some questions we will have to be able to answer "yes" to before we decide that we do want children.

1. Do I want to rear a child to become a successful, independent adult? (as opposed to just having baby fever, which isn't hard to catch when there have been 8 pregnancies/births in your circle of friends in the past two years) I say "I" because John does not get baby fever, he's a bit frightened of the wee ones, actually!
2. Are we financially ready to have children?
3. Are we willing to make the necessary sacrifices to raise children (traveling less, different schedules, loss of earning potential, etc.)?
4. Are we each capable of and willing to raise a child(ren) on our own if something happens to the other partner?

And as I have said before I do not believe one partner should ever convince the other to have children. If John came to me tomorrow and said he just can't ever see himself being a good dad, I would have to respect that, not just for his sake but the sake of our non-existent child(ren).

ETA: Something Beacon said reminded me of my #5, are we ready and willing to handle a child no matter what the circumstances? Meaning are we ready to deal with physical and/or mental abnormalcies such as down syndrome, retardation, etc. I know a family, your quintessential American family, that have a daughter w/ down syndrome, they were mortified when she was born because they hadn't even considered the possibility. They adore her and intend to have another child despite the risks, but it was a shock to their senses when the beautiful little girl was born.
 

anchor31

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I''ve always wanted children. My mother was a stay-at-home mom until we started school and was/is a great model to me. I used to tell my FI that I didn''t want to have one before 28, but I have a few friends in their mid-20s who started having babies and now 26 doesn''t sound so bad...
But like I said in the other thread, it''ll depend on our situation. It''s important to me that we have a house before the children, and I would like to be able to stay home like my mother did, or work part-time at most.
 

Beacon

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Interesting discussion. I have never really wanted kids and we don''t have any. My husband is the same. Now, if somehow we had some I am sure we would enjoy them and do the right things for them and so on. But not having them is fine too.

I know lots of married couples who just don''t want kids and they don''t have them and they have great lives. I live in the San Francisco area so alternative lifestyles are totally accepted here.

One thing I think is that you should really want the kids if you intend to have any. I know so many kids whose parents hire nannies and so on for them and they are screwed up kids. Plus, you never know what kid you are going to get. You could get a handicapped one, or a difficult one or an angel. You should be prepared to accept all.

I do know one gal who is a high level career person who has a child and actually wishes she didn''t! Most people won''t tell you that, b/c it is sort of unpalatable. She says she loves her daughter and if she had to have a kid this would be the one, but overall, the lifestyle is not what she hoped for.

Sobering.
 

Cehrabehra

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I always wanted kids - I pretended to give birth to my dolls and breastfeed them LOL I stuffed pillows in my shirt and walked around with a belly - there was never ever a question in my head that I wanted them.... and I always wanted more than one because I was an only and I *hatedhatedhated* it.
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/18/2007 12:14:08 PM
Author: littlelysser
I never really wanted a child until recently. Wasn''t a goal of mine. I went to law school in 1998 - thought I''d be a career person...joked that I didn''t have the mommy gene. I was miserable working at big firm and now I''m working for a judge and I love my job. And now, well, it is just different.

FI is fairly ambivalent about it. Again...this is something that has just recently come up for me...He was more open to it than I would have imagined. And he is the most patient and amazing person...but he''s never even held a baby!

Honestly, and this may sound bad, but he trusts my judgment on these things - of course, he weighs with his opinion - and if he said NO NO NO, that would be an issue...gah. I don''t know.
my best friend will be 37 next month and has never been married not had/wanted kids. We''ve been friends for over 21 years so she''s seen me go through all of the maternal stuff etc. and I''ve dealt with her anti-kid feelings for years. She''s starting to turn now which is intresting but she''s replacing all of her previous paranoias with new ones.... before when I talked about how wonderful it was to have kids, the amazing things etc. she would accuse me of trying to make her feel like her life wasn''t complete without a child and she should have a child and I never said it to her but nothing coud be further from the truth LOL I love her but she''s such an amzingly selfish and self centered woman there''s no way I''d wish a child on her before ishe wants one.... so now she''s turned it to anxiety because she''s running out of time. Ugh! I feel for her but I know the next step is that she has a child and thinks that she''s the first woman EVER to have given birth and I''m just gonna wanna roll my eyes some more LOL I don''t know where Im'' going with this other than to say that what you are feeling is totall normal and if you decide to have a child that''s awesome and if you don''t that''s awesome too! No one should be a parent if they don''t want to be. Being a mommy is awesome but being a parent sucks sometimes quite a lot and unfortunately the two go hand in hand...
 

poptart

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Date: 1/18/2007 7:32:46 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
I always wanted kids - I pretended to give birth to my dolls and breastfeed them LOL I stuffed pillows in my shirt and walked around with a belly - there was never ever a question in my head that I wanted them.... and I always wanted more than one because I was an only and I *hatedhatedhated* it.
LOL Cehra! That''s classic!

I have always known I wanted kids, too. And as long as my DH and I have been together we have talked about kids and having them. Children just love him and he is so patient and gentle that he is more nurturing than I am probably! One of the parts of his proposal was that he knew I was the one he wanted to start a family with. We are both very excited to start a family and have a few kids, and it has just never been a question.

That said, I agree with the other posters who said that you both need to be very sure about having kids. Talk it out really well with your FI because it is a very important decision. I really respect people who realize that they don''t want children and therefore are careful not to have them. It shows a lot of character on their part, I believe. It''s always tragic when children are born into a home that doesn''t truly and completely want them.
 

KimberlyH

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Something I hear a lot and want to question, but don''t because it''s not my place, is when women say "I want to have a baby!" There is a huge difference between wanting to have a baby and wanting to be a parent/raise a child. I always want to tell women who say this not to confuse the two and have the baby without being prepared to rear children.

This isn''t directed at anyone, just a random thought.
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/18/2007 7:53:57 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Something I hear a lot and want to question, but don't because it's not my place, is when women say 'I want to have a baby!' There is a huge difference between wanting to have a baby and wanting to be a parent/raise a child. I always want to tell women who say this not to confuse the two and have the baby without being prepared to rear children.

This isn't directed at anyone, just a random thought.
oh absoutely!!! I kinda hinted at this in my post above at the end but I was going to expand on it and this is the perfect place LOL

I actually don't enjoy being a parent. It's a job. A huge job. A neverending job. A difficult job. And I'm not talking about dirty diapers - that wasn't so bad LOL

I LOVE being a mommy. I love the kids, I love the cuddles, I love the kisses, I love playing, I love teaching, I love watching them learn new things, I love all that stuff.

I DON'T love 3 hours of homework every night, teaching them not to lie over and over and over again because kids lie a lot and I can't stand it, keeping on top of them about every single little detail of life - have you brushed your teeth? have you brushed your hair? did you remember socks? did you clear your plate? and the consequence of not doing that is I have more dishes or kids that look like I don't care about them or have stinky breath or dirty cold feet at the end of the day.... there are so many things I can't stand about parenting it isn't funny. My daughter is 12 and you'd think she'd be old enough to (mostly) trust with her homework but that's not the case... you sit them down, have this great converstaion with them -tell them not to lie to you and that you can work it out as long as they don't and you think they've got it and 2 days later you find out they lie AGAIN.You want them to suffer the natural consequences but you don't want them to suffer the natural consequences.

Basically for me everything up to 1st grade was a walk in the park - even nursing and have two boys in diapers.... but managing their schoolwork (or rather teaching them to manage it) amongst the other siblings and the activities etc. SUCKS!!! That's just my opinion LOL But seriously - people should be warned that the worst of parenting isn't dirty diapers and spitup or even 2 year old tantrums. The worst of it for me is actually teaching the same lessons over and ovr and over and over again so that they will turn into decent adults.

Now.... in the end the joy of "mommy" outweighs the hell of "parent" but if you don't have a real desire to be a "mommy" in the first place I don't recommend having kids.

After being a preschool teacher I really wanted to be a parent - I was so idealistic and thought I would have it all easy but the reality of kids 24/7 year after year is totally different... no matter what you think it will be like it won't be like that and you might not realize it until the kid is hitting their teens.. its' just not all a debate about how obnoxious pink hairbows are on little baby girls LOL

Can anyone here tell my 12 year old daughter is driving me CRAZY???????? lol!

ETA: It isn't just 3 hours for my daughter's homework.... there are 3 kids and 3 kids who need supervision over homework and I feel like *I* am back in school because they need a considerabe amount of my attention so that they do their work correctly.
 

colorkitty

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When I first got married, I went baby crazy, which surprised the heck out of my husband because I've always been insistent on never having children or even liking children. That feeling, thank goodness, passed. I think I was just looking for some fulfillment and a project at the time. There's something very exciting about being pregnant and having a new baby that made me want a piece of it.

Three years later, I've evaluated my skills and my abilities as a person and I can tell you that I'd make a horrible parent. I'm an amazingly selfish, independent, impatient, and non-nurturing kind of person. I like who I am, but I'm not mother material.
 

indecisive

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I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately. When my best friend was pregnant I went totally baby crazy but like the others this passed a little while after she had her baby. Also, my grandparents and my FMIL keep asking when we are going to have kids (we aren''t even getting married till 08 and I am only 22!). FMIL even got me a Victoria Secret gift card which I think is a hint to get the ball rolling
. I really just don''t know though. Right now I just want to travel and spend money on ourselves. I think about how much more we could do if we never had children and it is pretty darn tempting. But then I think about what holidays will be like when we are like 50-60. Do you guys ever worry about regretting not having kids when you get older?
 

AGBF

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Date: 1/19/2007 10:36:50 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
Can anyone here tell my 12 year old daughter is driving me CRAZY???????? lol!
If I did a thorough enough search on my Pricescope postings I am sure I could find one that says what you said above, because-although my daughter is now 14-I was posting here when she was 12 :). I may have a post or two saying the same thing when she was 13 and 14, as well.

The truth is, that although I am constantly challenged by parenthood, I am never in doubt that I should have chosen it. My mother used to say that being a parent stretched you into shapes you never thought you could get into. I think that''s true. Sometimes when I''ve lost all patience, I have to find it again. The bottom line is that my child is my responsibility and also the person I love and protect. I can drop the ball, but if I do I had better pick it up again, because no one else is going to and I care where that ball ends up!!!

Deb
 

Beacon

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Date: 1/20/2007 9:10:57 PM
Author: indecisive
I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately. When my best friend was pregnant I went totally baby crazy but like the others this passed a little while after she had her baby. Also, my grandparents and my FMIL keep asking when we are going to have kids (we aren''t even getting married till 08 and I am only 22!). FMIL even got me a Victoria Secret gift card which I think is a hint to get the ball rolling
. I really just don''t know though. Right now I just want to travel and spend money on ourselves. I think about how much more we could do if we never had children and it is pretty darn tempting. But then I think about what holidays will be like when we are like 50-60. Do you guys ever worry about regretting not having kids when you get older?
I suppose you could do a pro/con list but that would be difficult. Even if you had kids you cannot know what your holidays would be like when you are older. Realistically you may be divorced or on bad terms with your kids or you may live in a distant country or a host of other possibilities.

I think the best thing is not to look at what the kids can do for you, e.g care for you when old, invite you to holidays, provide lifetime companionship. Let''s face it, this may not happen. For a million unknowable reasons the kids may not be able to deliver on these golden dreams. The best reason to have them would be that you deeply desire the experience of raising a child to adulthood.

Living in San Francisco area, where there is a big gay community, I can say that many people have some pretty awesome holidays, with or without kids!
 

jcrow

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Cehrabehra, interesting. i''m an only too, in fact, i''m an only grandchild on top of that. i don''t remember the i''m a mommy stage when i was young. i mean i had barbies and dolls, but i was pretty meh about them. didn''t see what the big deal was with them. anyway, i think being an only affected me differently. i actually only want one. or twins. ha, that sounds like a big ole task huh? i dunno, i guess cause i was just one, i feel like i wouldn''t know what to do with more than one. i know, it''s a contradiction to the whole twins concept... then a part of me wonders, do i want kids b/c that what society says i should do? maybe, maybe not.

my SIL said something that always stuck with me (this was before i met my husband). she was engaged and the subject of kids came up in a convo between us. she said, you know i''ve never wanted kids. never. until now. she said, i guess it changes when you meet the right one. i thought that was interesting.
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 1/20/2007 9:10:57 PM
Author: indecisive
I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately. When my best friend was pregnant I went totally baby crazy but like the others this passed a little while after she had her baby. Also, my grandparents and my FMIL keep asking when we are going to have kids (we aren''t even getting married till 08 and I am only 22!). FMIL even got me a Victoria Secret gift card which I think is a hint to get the ball rolling
. I really just don''t know though. Right now I just want to travel and spend money on ourselves. I think about how much more we could do if we never had children and it is pretty darn tempting. But then I think about what holidays will be like when we are like 50-60. Do you guys ever worry about regretting not having kids when you get older?
I worry more about having children and being ill-equipped to rear them properly than whether or not I''ll be okay at the holidays when I get older. Having a baby doesn''t garuantee a relationship with adult children.

I am greatful/thankful that my parents have never pushed me into having children for their sake, I think it is unreasonable. Some people are simply not meant to be parents and pressuring people who aren''t to give birth is just plain asinine.

Whomever said the world would have a much smaller population if people only people who thought they were 100% ready to have children did was dead on. In some cases I don'' tthink that''s such a bad thing. As a future teacher and someone who has a lot of experience with and exposure to children through babysitting, family and friends, I wish people spent a lot more time thinking about it in terns of what it means to be a parent - outside the realm of fulfilling a personal need or doing what is deemed the norm within society - than they do. No, no one is every totally ready, but there are many instances in which people should be far more ready than they are. It is such a huge and phenomenal responsibility that should not be taken lightly.

~K

P.S. indecisve, this is absolutely not directed at you, except to answer your question. I just had went off on a tangent.
 

noobie

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Never knew for sure before trying. Thought about it and talked about it for a few years. Finally went for it. Now that I have two, I couldn''t imagine living without them. Sure, sometimes when there are being a pain, I dream about being carefree, but that only lasts a second. Trouble is you can never imagine what it is like to have them before having them (no test drives allowed) and once you have them, you can''t go back.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 1/20/2007 9:45:16 PM
Author: Beacon


I suppose you could do a pro/con list but that would be difficult. Even if you had kids you cannot know what your holidays would be like when you are older. Realistically you may be divorced or on bad terms with your kids or you may live in a distant country or a host of other possibilities.

I think the best thing is not to look at what the kids can do for you, e.g care for you when old, invite you to holidays, provide lifetime companionship. Let''s face it, this may not happen. For a million unknowable reasons the kids may not be able to deliver on these golden dreams. The best reason to have them would be that you deeply desire the experience of raising a child to adulthood.

Living in San Francisco area, where there is a big gay community, I can say that many people have some pretty awesome holidays, with or without kids!
I agree with this and what KimberlyH said. I was recently at a dinner party and witness the most horrible (non) parenting I had ever seen. My ovaries actually shrank during dinner.

When I think of why I may want kids, I usually come up with:

1. It would be cool to see what a TGuy/TGal combo would look like.
2. My mom would like grandkids.
3. Um...it would be cool to see what a TGuy/TGal combo would look like.

I don''t doubt that I would make a good parent. TGuy actually feels I will be too disciplining. It''s the thought of proper parenting that really wears me out mentally before the game even gets started. TGuy and I just talked about it this morning while lounging in bed. I said, "Isn''t this great? Just kicking back and talking, relaxing...it wouldn''t be like this if we had kids...maybe we shouldn''t have them." He said that was a selfish reason not to have kids. If you ask me, it''s more selfish to bring someone into this world when you are just not ready and just do it because you think you should.
 

Officers girl

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I never wanted kids never never ever lol and then we had a accident and I wound up pregnant I miscarried at four months but wow once I felt what it was like to have something grow inside of you it was just amazing
and how FI was so wonderful to me through the morning sickness and the uncontrolable crying it just made me feel like having a child was really a new way to experience love and after that I have always wanted to have children


That said though I do want to wait till I really feel capable of putting my own life on the back burner because kids are like a 24/7 neverending no break job and I think its to important a thing to put on the back burner :)
 

E B

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Date: 1/18/2007 11:37:05 AM
Author: Miranda
For me, there''s never been a moment in my life that I''ve NOT wanted children. Between playing with dolls and babysitting, having children has always been a number one goal for me.
This is simply how I knew as well. Same for FH.
 

diamondfan

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I also was like Ephemery, I played mommy with my dolls, they had babies...When I was seven my aunt asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a mommy...(my mom told me this, as did my aunt)...I had my first at almost 27...and I love love love my kids, but honestly could not just be focused on them every minute. I have other interests, and I think it is beneficial to have something you love outside of the kids. I think it helps make you a more complete and fulfilled person. Just like married couples should be intimate and involved but still separate if that makes sense. I have seen couples who only really focus on their kids, and when the kids are out of the house they have nothing to talk about or do anymore, they invested so much in their kids but not in their marriage or themselves. I would die for my kids and kill for them, I adore spending time with them, I love teaching them and helping them and guiding them, but I also like a night out with the adults or time to work out or go to a movie. I am not one who thinks small children should be included everywhere at anytime for any reason, both because it can make it tough on the adults and is also not fair to the kid. I hope you come to a conclusion about having them, it is the best thing I have ever done, I love being a mom, but I totally respect and understand people who do not feel that way...
 

MINE!!

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How did I know? I saw 2 pink lines.


I am not sure how I knew I wanted kids, I think I always wanted kids, I knew I wanted them, without a doubt.....

When was decided by my irresponsibility, no protection=2 pink lines... after the intial shock and the realization that I now had to be responsible, they were the most beautiful lines I could ever have imagined.

3 years later, I saw two more lines, after I decided I wanted another. Something inside just said "NOW MINE!!!" and I saw tow more lines.


Now 9 years later, For the past 5 months I have been praying to see 2 lines, and go through about a day or so of crying every 26 days when I realize that it is not this month.


2 pinks lines, 2 pink lines....
 

ephemery1

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Date: 1/21/2007 8:11:05 PM
Author: diamondfan
I also was like Ephemery, I played mommy with my dolls, they had babies...When I was seven my aunt asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a mommy...(my mom told me this, as did my aunt)...I had my first at almost 27...and I love love love my kids, but honestly could not just be focused on them every minute. I have other interests, and I think it is beneficial to have something you love outside of the kids. I think it helps make you a more complete and fulfilled person. Just like married couples should be intimate and involved but still separate if that makes sense. I have seen couples who only really focus on their kids, and when the kids are out of the house they have nothing to talk about or do anymore, they invested so much in their kids but not in their marriage or themselves. I would die for my kids and kill for them, I adore spending time with them, I love teaching them and helping them and guiding them, but I also like a night out with the adults or time to work out or go to a movie. I am not one who thinks small children should be included everywhere at anytime for any reason, both because it can make it tough on the adults and is also not fair to the kid. I hope you come to a conclusion about having them, it is the best thing I have ever done, I love being a mom, but I totally respect and understand people who do not feel that way...
I LOOOVE this advice... I am thinking back to all the families I used to babysit for (and there was definitely a variety!)... and remembering how the parents I most respected and admired were the ones that had personalities outside of just "mommy and daddy". Regularly, they went out to dinner, to shows, to their friends'' houses... and during the day, often the moms would have me take the kids to the park or zoo or out to lunch, so they could have some time to themselves. They were fantastic, hands-on parents... but maintaining that balance of self-time and mom-time was KEY in both their children''s development and their own personal sanity!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Date: 1/21/2007 8:25:41 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 1/21/2007 8:11:05 PM
Author: diamondfan
I also was like Ephemery, I played mommy with my dolls, they had babies...When I was seven my aunt asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a mommy...(my mom told me this, as did my aunt)...I had my first at almost 27...and I love love love my kids, but honestly could not just be focused on them every minute. I have other interests, and I think it is beneficial to have something you love outside of the kids. I think it helps make you a more complete and fulfilled person. Just like married couples should be intimate and involved but still separate if that makes sense. I have seen couples who only really focus on their kids, and when the kids are out of the house they have nothing to talk about or do anymore, they invested so much in their kids but not in their marriage or themselves. I would die for my kids and kill for them, I adore spending time with them, I love teaching them and helping them and guiding them, but I also like a night out with the adults or time to work out or go to a movie. I am not one who thinks small children should be included everywhere at anytime for any reason, both because it can make it tough on the adults and is also not fair to the kid. I hope you come to a conclusion about having them, it is the best thing I have ever done, I love being a mom, but I totally respect and understand people who do not feel that way...
I LOOOVE this advice... I am thinking back to all the families I used to babysit for (and there was definitely a variety!)... and remembering how the parents I most respected and admired were the ones that had personalities outside of just ''mommy and daddy''. Regularly, they went out to dinner, to shows, to their friends'' houses... and during the day, often the moms would have me take the kids to the park or zoo or out to lunch, so they could have some time to themselves. They were fantastic, hands-on parents... but maintaining that balance of self-time and mom-time was KEY in both their children''s development and their own personal sanity!
DH and I have agreed that if we have children and I choose to stay home we will have someone come over once or twice a week for a few hours to give me a break. I can do what I please with the time whether it be volunteering, grocery shopping, lunch with friends, but I need to do something. And we''ll also have date night once every week or two, set in stone, even if all we do is go walk through the park.

Wow, we''ve done a lot of talking about kids for not having decided whether or not we''ll have them!

Anyways, I think it''s so important that parents maintain an identity aside from "parent" and/or "parent and employee" just as diamondfan said people shouldn''t lose themselves in their marriage and no longer be a bit of an "I."

So many things to think/talk about when making the choice to have kids and or when to have them!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I heard a really great speaker once talking about putting "funds" into the marriage account. His point was, at the end of it all, when you had you and your hubby (or wife) in the house and the kids off to college etc, if you had not built up the "funds" in the marriage account you might be in trouble. In our circle we know a couple of couples, a bit older than us, who woke up shortly after their last child went to college and they just realized the kids had been the glue (which is not in and of itself negative of course) but now, they really were strangers to one another and they just decided to get divorced. They felt they had nothing in common any longer and without the kids around there was no point in continuing. Pretty sad, but I guess a real risk too if you do not have separate interests, meaning you are a mom and wife, or a husband and a dad, but you are also just YOU, and should keep that.
 

eks6426

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
2,011
Date: 1/19/2007 10:36:50 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 1/18/2007 7:53:57 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Something I hear a lot and want to question, but don''t because it''s not my place, is when women say ''I want to have a baby!'' There is a huge difference between wanting to have a baby and wanting to be a parent/raise a child. I always want to tell women who say this not to confuse the two and have the baby without being prepared to rear children.

This isn''t directed at anyone, just a random thought.
oh absoutely!!! I kinda hinted at this in my post above at the end but I was going to expand on it and this is the perfect place LOL

I actually don''t enjoy being a parent. It''s a job. A huge job. A neverending job. A difficult job. And I''m not talking about dirty diapers - that wasn''t so bad LOL

I LOVE being a mommy. I love the kids, I love the cuddles, I love the kisses, I love playing, I love teaching, I love watching them learn new things, I love all that stuff.

I DON''T love 3 hours of homework every night, teaching them not to lie over and over and over again because kids lie a lot and I can''t stand it, keeping on top of them about every single little detail of life - have you brushed your teeth? have you brushed your hair? did you remember socks? did you clear your plate? and the consequence of not doing that is I have more dishes or kids that look like I don''t care about them or have stinky breath or dirty cold feet at the end of the day.... there are so many things I can''t stand about parenting it isn''t funny. My daughter is 12 and you''d think she''d be old enough to (mostly) trust with her homework but that''s not the case... you sit them down, have this great converstaion with them -tell them not to lie to you and that you can work it out as long as they don''t and you think they''ve got it and 2 days later you find out they lie AGAIN.You want them to suffer the natural consequences but you don''t want them to suffer the natural consequences.

Basically for me everything up to 1st grade was a walk in the park - even nursing and have two boys in diapers.... but managing their schoolwork (or rather teaching them to manage it) amongst the other siblings and the activities etc. SUCKS!!! That''s just my opinion LOL But seriously - people should be warned that the worst of parenting isn''t dirty diapers and spitup or even 2 year old tantrums. The worst of it for me is actually teaching the same lessons over and ovr and over and over again so that they will turn into decent adults.

Now.... in the end the joy of ''mommy'' outweighs the hell of ''parent'' but if you don''t have a real desire to be a ''mommy'' in the first place I don''t recommend having kids.

After being a preschool teacher I really wanted to be a parent - I was so idealistic and thought I would have it all easy but the reality of kids 24/7 year after year is totally different... no matter what you think it will be like it won''t be like that and you might not realize it until the kid is hitting their teens.. its'' just not all a debate about how obnoxious pink hairbows are on little baby girls LOL

Can anyone here tell my 12 year old daughter is driving me CRAZY???????? lol!

ETA: It isn''t just 3 hours for my daughter''s homework.... there are 3 kids and 3 kids who need supervision over homework and I feel like *I* am back in school because they need a considerabe amount of my attention so that they do their work correctly.
Oh my gosh, you said it so well. I have a 9 year old and a 17 year old step son. The 9 year old requires the constant "reminders." Reminders to brush his teeth, eat his dinner (dinner takes him an hour!!!!), get dressed, oh yeah brush his teeth. I swear he''d forget his head if it wasn''t attached. Then there is the 3 hours of homework every night. Plus trying to manage all the special projects like research reports. Endlessly trying to teach that he needs to learn to do things before the night before they are due. And the 17 year old. Let''s just say, he''s doing his job of being a teen very well. He definitely makes my husband and I ready for him to fly the nest. It can''t come soon enough. But just when we think we can''t stand being a "parent" another minute, they can be so darn sweet. It''s those moments of getting to be a "mom" that get me through the endless hours of being a "parent."
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
24,426
Date: 1/22/2007 8:57:04 AM
Author: IslandDreams


It''s those moments of getting to be a ''mom'' that get me through the endless hours of being a ''parent.''
What a great way to put it!!!
 
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