How did you know he was the one?

[Fly]

I am a lurker here who was planning on getting engaged but I now have second thoughts. I want to know how did you know you current husband/fiance was the one? We have been together for 3 years and he is the most amazing person but we come from different countries and cultures and I am worried about if we will actually make it work. We have our differences in personality and where we want to live. I miss my part of the world, I am currently living in his. Maybe its not the right place to ask about this but I feel at home here due to my love of jewelry...

 

[Laila619]

Hi,

For me, it was more than just that 'in love' feeling. I was very cautious and wanted to evaluate his character and his values/morals. I knew from past relationships that being in love and having great chemistry was not enough for me. His character was impeccable and he came from a good family and we shared the same values--he basically had all that I was looking for and more. It was just one of those things where I knew it deep in my gut that it was right. I thought that if I had sons, I would want them to grow up to be *just* like him.

 

[kenny]

You don't.
You can hope, but you can't know.

I don't buy into Hollywood's fluff, Love, Myth, BS.
Even if you fall for that stuff there are no guarantees.
Half of marriages end in divorce.

He and I found each other to be 'good enough' to make a go of it.
I've never prescribed to the 'soul-mate' or the 'the one' stuff.

13 years later we're still hanging in there and making a go of it.
What's real is enough for me; I don't need the fantasy.

If you go for that, fine.
People vary.
Good luck.

I think countries with arranged marriages have fewer divorces.
Whatever works.

 

[iLander]

He was/is the only guy I've ever met that is smarter than me.

I admire and respect him, and 30 years later, he still amazes me every day.

 

[madelise]

I'm sure if you sifted through my old posts from last year, you'll find me posting on a similar thread. I am not a girl that believes in "The One". I'm very give-me-the-facts-and-that's-it. I'm also an atheist. But SO believes there's a God (however, he is religionless as he believes that no one is right, and everyone is fighting each other for no reason), and SO believes in soul mates, and he believes that we are it. It's been 3+ years, and he has slowly really started to challenge my beliefs. I still can't say I can absolutely believe that there is exactly ONE person out there in the world that is meant to be your partner through life, but my SO definitely challenges that.. and if there IS a soul mate out there, he definitely is mine.

We go through our ups and our downs, but overall, it makes me so emotional that I have found someone who has been such a positive impact on my and my family's life. I owe him much happiness for that.

 

[Ally T]

I moved from the UK to live in New Zealand many years ago. I met & fell in love with a man there, who was my be all & and all, but also irritated the hell out of me. After a few years, I left & moved back to the UK. I had never wanted to marry & never EVER wanted children, so the relationship just had no future, as much as i did love him. But then back in the UK I started a new contract & met this guy at work one day. We chatted, we flirted, he asked me to lunch & that very night I told my mother that I would marry him.

On Monday (April 1st) it will be 7 years since that first date. We have been married for 5.5 years, have 2 beautiful daughters & life for me has never been better.

For me, knowing he was The One was instant, and I was immediately prepared to change my opinions & decisions & what I 'thought' was what I wanted from life. He is a great husband & father & I do believe now in love at first sight. But only if he really is The One

 

[Enerchi]

I knew I had a friend... someone I liked being with, calm, confident, funny, comfortable in any situation, interested in things that I was - or that at least challenged me to explore further, I liked his family and I just liked being with him! It was a slow progression to knowing "OMG! he's THE ONE!" and it always felt like there was no rush or no panic if we didn't see each other - we'd be together forever, so not to worry - I'll see you another day...

And now, almost 31 years together, it still works He's the best father in the world to my kids, just an awesome man!! He - on the other hand - totally got the short end of the stick!

On a serious note, I was engaged prior to him and that was NOT the right relationship. I think it is super scary to pull the plug on something that you/others/family think is the path to follow, but if you have doubts, they are often there for a real reason. Take your time. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be (que sera sera) don't force love or a commitment because that will not last. When challenges arise, if you are both not on board at the same degree, it probably won't go smoothly. That's just my opinion. And I love Kenny's line - people vary!

 

[jaysonsmom]

God told me.
Actually, I knew he wa s the one because the relationship was just easy. I never had to his question timing, I never had to question his life plans, I never had to question what he wanted in our future. Topics came up, and there was just no arguement, just agreement, so we were on the same page on when we wanted to get married, where we wanted live, how many kids we wanted, etc.....easy! My previous relationship which lasted way too long (4.5 years) was a series of arguements over all those things, so we were just not right for each other. Funny thing is my ex-bf is now married, living inthe burbs with 2 kids. All the things he didn't want but ended up with when he met HIS right gal.

 

[Fly]

Thank you everyone for answering and please do not get me wrong. When I said "the one" I do not mean that there is only one out there but I wonder what it takes to be sure to settle down with someone. A relationship takes sacrifice and time so being in my mid twenties I am asking myself is he the one that I want to do that for. It is really interesting for me to hear from everyone as it gives me perspective and I really need it!

 

[Fly]

Are doubts about a relationship and a life together enough to pull the plug on the relationship? I know it is all very individual but I am still trying to find an answer....

 

[kenny]

I wonder what it takes to be sure to settle down with someone.

I'd rephrase 'sure to settle down' to 'sure enough to settle down'.

There are no certainties or guarantees.
Even people who feel they are 100% sure, are really only 'sure enough' to proceed.
Even then ... no guarantees.

 

[maccers]

Are doubts about a relationship and a life together enough to pull the plug on the relationship? I know it is all very individual but I am still trying to find an answer....

I think it depends what those doubts are about. In previous relationships, I had doubts about (1) ability to be a good parent/role model, (2) finances, (3) worldviews...things that are dealbreakers are often value-based. Is he good to you, does he have friends, does he value his family and yours?

Stuff that doesn't count: My SO snoring...it makes me CRAZY! And sometimes I doubt my ability to refrain from pushing him out of bed in the middle of the night BUT my SO tries really hard not to snore and wears a snore-guard thing which really helps. He's that type of guy.

ETA: Also, you're young! At your age, there were many experiences I wanted to have ON MY OWN and have them just be 'mine'. That's entirely legit and smart.
ETA AGAIN: For some reason I thought you said you were in your twenties...but now I can't find that reference.

 

[isaku5]

I am a lurker here who was planning on getting engaged but I now have second thoughts. I want to know how did you know you current husband/fiance was the one? We have been together for 3 years and he is the most amazing person but we come from different countries and cultures and I am worried about if we will actually make it work. We have our differences in personality and where we want to live. I miss my part of the world, I am currently living in his. Maybe its not the right place to ask about this but I feel at home here due to my love of jewelry...

If you're not feeling 110% that this guy is the one, do not get engaged. Wait until such a time that you know without a doubt that he is the one for you. An engagement ring is a commitment IMHO to marry at some time in the future. Look at all the ladies-in waiting we have just dying to be engaged - to me, that's pathetic but, then again, I'm much older (and wiser?). Don't settle.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer

 

[SB621]

I grew up with a family that constantly thought of me as the black sheep and I was always an after thought. After that I had several serious relationships where I always was the after thought. I finally met my DH and when I say he will always put me first (and now our children) it just really struck me how much I loved him that he would give up almost everything to keep me happy. He treats me like a princess. Though we have our rough times they are few and far between. He is my best friend. And I will also say that our first year of marriage was hard and I did have doubts or cold feet on our wedding day. It was very stressful for me. But I'm so glad we got through everything because he is MY everything.

 

[cygnet]

Look at all the ladies-in waiting we have just dying to be engaged - to me, that's pathetic but, then again, I'm much older (and wiser?).

Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm just looking forward to taking the next step forward in life with my SO, but sure, I guess that's pathetic.

 

[Circe]

This is going to sound a bit mystical, but I literally had a dream.

We were both dating other people, but one night I just had this dream where I was wearing a long white dress, and dancing with my best friend, and halfway through, I realized I was dancing at my wedding, and I just felt so happy. And then I shook myself awake, and thought, "Wait, we're just platonic!"

But apparently, my subconscious knew better than I did: six months later when we were both single it took roughly a nanosecond for us to get together, and three months after that, we were engaged.

As for the issue of knowing what is/is not a dealbreaker? I don't know if it can be pinned down. I've been in relationships with fewer disparities - I mean, my husband is a combat atheist and I was fairly spiritual when we got together, he's financially conservative though socially liberal whereas I'm just a plain ole' red-diaper baby, etc., etc. ... but at the end of the day, we'd argued over so many things in the course of our *friendship* without it splitting us up that the idea of having a few ups-and-downs didn't really phase me.

At the end of the day, I'd rather argue with him than agree with anybody else.

 

[Laila619]

Look at all the ladies-in waiting we have just dying to be engaged - to me, that's pathetic but, then again, I'm much older (and wiser?).

Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm just looking forward to taking the next step forward in life with my SO, but sure, I guess that's pathetic.

Yeah, I don't see anything wrong or pathetic about the LIW sub-forum? A lot of times the woman is ready to get engaged much faster than the man. Seems like a good place to hang out with other ladies in the same boat.

 

[Fly]

Thank you once again everyone for your replies to such a difficult question. It really is clarifying things for me to just get it down in writing and I do not feel ready to talk about it with friends/family. I am still young (mid twenties) and I feel like I am just starting out building a career and a life for myself and I always thought I would be able to try and figure things out on my own before I settled and got married. I want to be able to take a job opportunity anywhere if that comes my way. I am not ready to lose my freedom yet. Even though he is my best friend and an amazing boyfriend I think I am just not ready to make that commitment as engagement is marriage to me, its just the first step.

 

[monarch64]

Thank you once again everyone for your replies to such a difficult question. It really is clarifying things for me to just get it down in writing and I do not feel ready to talk about it with friends/family. I am still young (mid twenties) and I feel like I am just starting out building a career and a life for myself and I always thought I would be able to try and figure things out on my own before I settled and got married. I want to be able to take a job opportunity anywhere if that comes my way. I am not ready to lose my freedom yet. Even though he is my best friend and an amazing boyfriend I think I am just not ready to make that commitment as engagement is marriage to me, its just the first step.

This could be the most intelligent post I've ever read on Pricescope (and there are A LOT of intelligent posts here!) since I started reading the forums in 2005.

Good for you, for being honest with yourself and being so self-aware. I really admire you.

 

[fiona00004]

I agree with the last comment. You seems really independant and I am glad to hear that you are not just settling.

I think that if it is meant to be, things should not seem so complicated and should be simple. My DH and I had very different upbringings and we are both of different ethnicities both from different countries... just very different. But we want the same things have same values so getting married was sooooo easy! MUCH easier than having children! If you feel u are giving up something, then maybe marriage is not a good idea yet. Much better to figure things out before getting married Yes, marriage does include some sacrifice or compromise but I feel that any doubt about it shows that it just isn't time...

Some people may want to get married anyway and figure things out later. That is ok too as long as they are willing to stay committed to each other and work out the differences. What I mean is, some people just want to call themselves the wife of the other person, even if they are not yet living together...to me, getting married is getting married... kind of like a title. If you know you both want to stay together forever and want to be married... so be it... nothing else can break that. Doesn't mean you have to change everything else that were already doing.

Good luck!

 

[fiona00004]

At the end of the day, I'd rather argue with him than agree with anybody else.

I love that!

 

[momhappy]

When I was 18, I thought that I had met "the one" and after about 6 years we got engaged. Almost 2 years after that, we got married. Sadly, almost two years after that, we divorced. I have no regrets - it was what it was. I learned some valuable lessons. The most important lesson I learned is that there is no "one" out there for us. There are lots of matches out there for any one of us. The trick is finding someone that you're compatible with and making it work. Relationships and marriage take a lot of work, as anyone who's been in one can attest to.
My advice to anyone in their mid-twenties would be to date, relax, and have fun, which is not to say that you have to date all kinds of different people. If you've found someone that you enjoy spending time with, spend time and don't over-analyze where the relationship is going. Sometimes, people put too much emphasis on the end-result (like will this relationship result in marriage), rather than just enjoying the relationship and taking it for what it's worth. It's sort of like when someone has been dating someone for a long time, the relationship ends, and they comment about how it was all just a waste of time. I don't really view failed relationships as "wasted" time. I view them as life lessons.

 

[rosetta]

I don't believe in The One. The truth is, my husband is a warm hearted, kind and loving man. He could have married any decent woman and made her blissfully happy. He fell in love with me at first sight (according to him!) and the rest is history. I love him and now it's too late to love anyone else. We are two halves of a whole.

 

[rubybeth]

Thank you once again everyone for your replies to such a difficult question. It really is clarifying things for me to just get it down in writing and I do not feel ready to talk about it with friends/family. I am still young (mid twenties) and I feel like I am just starting out building a career and a life for myself and I always thought I would be able to try and figure things out on my own before I settled and got married. I want to be able to take a job opportunity anywhere if that comes my way. I am not ready to lose my freedom yet. Even though he is my best friend and an amazing boyfriend I think I am just not ready to make that commitment as engagement is marriage to me, its just the first step.

This could be the most intelligent post I've ever read on Pricescope (and there are A LOT of intelligent posts here!) since I started reading the forums in 2005.

Good for you, for being honest with yourself and being so self-aware. I really admire you.

I think you already know that you aren't ready to be engaged, but have you talked to him about your desires and hopes to follow your career and other dreams? He might be totally supportive and willing to follow you, or let you go and wait for you. Or is he wanting to get engaged right now? To me, engagement is a big deal, but it's also a time in which to more deeply explore your commitment to each other. It is much, much easier to break an engagement than a marriage, and if you do premarital counseling or something with your church (if you have one), they will often tell you that engagement is a kind of test, and perfectly acceptable to break an engagement, or delay a wedding, if needed.

About following your career... I have a cousin who dated his girlfriend long-distance all through undergrad (they started dating right before she left for school, then spent summers together when she was home), and then he committed to moving wherever she got into graduate school. She ended up getting into school in the state where he was born and has lots of family (where I live, Minnesota), and so it was quite serendipitous. They dated for another year, being in the same state (but not living together), and then he proposed and they got married a year after that. She eventually got an academic appointment in another state, and so that's where they moved and bought a house and had their first baby a couple years ago.

Also, my DH and I got together the same week I found out I got into grad school. He knew from the beginning that he had to be willing to follow me for my career. He went with me to job interviews out of state, and was very supportive of me taking whatever job would allow me to advance. We got married the summer before I graduated, so that in case we needed to move somewhere for a job, we wouldn't be dealing with wedding plans, too. I ended up getting promoted in the same town in which we grew up, and now--5 years later--I am really excited that he has gotten into graduate school and I now I can be willing to follow a job for him, if needed, now that I have some professional experience. While DH and I are very different in terms of personality, we have similar core values and agree on the biggies: religion, politics, money, children, and where to live.

I wish you the best in making this decision; it is an important one, and I think it's wise to seek out the advice of others at this time, and not bring your family or friends into the mix.

 

[missy]

This is a good question that I am sure many people have asked themselves. How did I know? Well, I didn't. Not for a long while at least. I knew I never wanted to marry. And I happily went through my twenties dating but in a few long term relationships and I was content with my life. I had my own apartment, I had my kitties, I had my good friends and I had my freedom and I had the companionship of a romantic partner. Then I met my dh. And I still didn't *know* he was the one cause I wasn't looking for the *one*. I dated him for 4 years and he knew from the start I never wanted to get married. And I knew from the start he wanted to get married (to the right woman). We had discussed these issues within the first month of dating. As we discussed children, religion and all the important topics one should discuss in a serious relationship.

He brought the topic of marriage up after a year or so of dating and I nearly passed out (literally-don't know wth was wrong with me as I obviously have issues lol) so he didn't bring it up again till he proposed. 3 years later. This time I didn't almost pass out but I still was unsure. But I didn't want him not in my life. I knew I loved him. I knew how amazing he was/is and I knew there was no one else out there like him. So I accepted his (very romantic) proposal but I insisted on a longer than he wanted engagement. Cause I still wasn't *completely* sure.

By the time we got married I was *so sure*-surer than I had ever been about anything in my life before. So sure that we moved up the wedding date hahaha.

During the days following my dh's proposal my dad gave me some very sage advice. He said that in life one must take chances or else life was not worth living. Something like that and it calmed me and resonated with me.

So while you may not be 100% sure that you want to marry him right now if you are sure you love him and see yourself with him for the long haul make it a long engagement and take your time. No rush necessary! Hey, I was in my thirties when I met my dh and it still took me 5 years from the first date to marry him. And here we are still happily together almost 15 years later. Was he the *one* for me? Absolutely. Is he my soul mate? Without question. Did I know that over 15 years ago? No way. But we took our time and by the time we married I knew (he knew long before but I can be slow like that). Everyone is different. Don't pressure yourself. You are young and have plenty of time. Enjoy this time in your life. Every stage is different and you should savor each time for what it is. Sending you good thoughts and wishes for happiness and love and fulfillment.

 

[Fly]

Thank you all for being so supportive! It is more helpful than you must realize. I don't want to bring in family or friends because they will have too many questions and opinions and I want to figure this out for myself without any outside influences.
He wants to get engaged as soon as possible, he would marry me tomorrow if he could.
I was going to apply for a job that I really wanted somewhere far away from us and it created a huge fight because he believes that we should be in the same place if we love each other. We have already done the long distance thing and he is against it. I am a firm believer that if it is meant to be than we should get through anything and that sacrificing anything at our age creates resentments.
I am probably guilty of having put aside my real feelings because I love him a lot and I did not want to create conflict and in some ways desperately wanted the "perfect" relationship with him but I have ended up feeling trapped. We can talk about anything but whenever this comes up we just can't.

 

[Circe]

Could I make a suggestion? Maybe invest in a good couples counselor.

Much as I love my husband, there are some issues we just couldn't talk about without a referee. One of them was my having to move for his job. It was really helpful to, a) have somebody call time-outs and keep us on track, and, b) diagnose some of the flaws in our fighting style.

 

[missy]

Could I make a suggestion? Maybe invest in a good couples counselor.

Much as I love my husband, there are some issues we just couldn't talk about without a referee. One of them was my having to move for his job. It was really helpful to, a) have somebody call time-outs and keep us on track, and, b) diagnose some of the flaws in our fighting style.

This is a good suggestion. You need to be able to discuss these things in a constructive manner. May I also recommend an excellent book that my dh and I both read during the first year of our marriage that improved the way we disagree and work out difficult issues.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

This book is amazing IMO. It was a game changer.

May I also add one more piece of advice. Don't sacrifice a dream for your bf. It will only create resentment that will eat away at your relationship. You can have both but you and your SO need to work it out together.

 

[GoldFish8]

If you feel u are giving up something, then maybe marriage is not a good idea yet.

I was going to apply for a job that I really wanted somewhere far away from us and it created a huge fight because he believes that we should be in the same place if we love each other. We have already done the long distance thing and he is against it. I am a firm believer that if it is meant to be than we should get through anything and that sacrificing anything at our age creates resentments.
I am probably guilty of having put aside my real feelings because I love him a lot and I did not want to create conflict and in some ways desperately wanted the "perfect" relationship with him but I have ended up feeling trapped. We can talk about anything but whenever this comes up we just can't.

In every relationship before my FI (not married yet)... I felt I was giving something up because I felt like I couldn't do what I wanted to do and be with that person at the same time. For one reason or another I always had to choose between that person and something that I wanted to do, and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, it will create resentment. It may not show up at first, but eventually it will, because you will always be thinking "what did I miss?" "what could I have done?" At least it did for me, and then I was left feeling trapped, and did anything I could to get OUT of that relationship.

I believe that when you find that right person for you, those questions won't really be there anymore, you will not feel like you are sacrificing or feel trapped. I also am a firm believer in timing. Timing is everything, as they say. When you meet the right person at the right time, things will be much simpler. It could even be your current BF, but at a better time in your life. Be fair to yourself and be fair to him, do not settle until you are ready.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Zlata]

This is going to sound a bit mystical, but I literally had a dream.

We were both dating other people, but one night I just had this dream where I was wearing a long white dress, and dancing with my best friend, and halfway through, I realized I was dancing at my wedding, and I just felt so happy. And then I shook myself awake, and thought, "Wait, we're just platonic!"

But apparently, my subconscious knew better than I did: six months later when we were both single it took roughly a nanosecond for us to get together, and three months after that, we were engaged.

So interesting! Was the dream prophetic, as well, showing you elements from your actual wedding? Did you have déjà vu on your wedding day?