How can you have a "surprise" proposal when you are involved in selecting the ring?

[Lilac]

I actually went with him to the jeweler to pick out my setting and diamonds, but he had asked the jeweler to tell me it would take 6 weeks for the ring to be ready (even though it really only took 10 days). I didn''t expect the ring to be ready until the beginning of May and we had discussed how we would get engaged at some point that summer, so when he proposed at the beginning of April I was SHOCKED!

I had told him I couldn''t be surprised and there was no way he would be able to surprise me with the proposal! He definitely proved me wrong because the proposal was so amazing, sweet, and wonderful and it was a *complete* surprise!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Date: 4/1/2010 10:42:03 AM
Author: Lilac
I actually went with him to the jeweler to pick out my setting and diamonds, but he had asked the jeweler to tell me it would take 6 weeks for the ring to be ready (even though it really only took 10 days). I didn''t expect the ring to be ready until the beginning of May and we had discussed how we would get engaged at some point that summer, so when he proposed at the beginning of April I was SHOCKED!


I had told him I couldn''t be surprised and there was no way he would be able to surprise me with the proposal! He definitely proved me wrong because the proposal was so amazing, sweet, and wonderful and it was a *complete* surprise!

But Lilac...that''s not a *complete* surprise. You KNEW...the "when" is the surprise. I think that''s what the general thinking is in the inability of it to be a *complete* surprise. i.e., you have no clue he has any intentions on proposing. You have no clue he is looking at rings. etc.

And, that does sound really sweet. He did a good job putting you off his scent

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Well, anytime you decide TOGETHER than you want to marry EACH OTHER, the proposal is not a surprise- you know it''s coming eventually. However, a guy can still put the element of surprise into the moment he "officially" asks you and make it romantic etc.

My fiance and I went ring shopping together and I was very much involved in the process. In the end- I showed him 3 or so styles that I loved, and then let him pick from there. I didn''t know when or where he bought the ring or when he was going to propose. Every date we went on after that kept me on my toes. I think he ended up proposing 4-5 months after he actually bought the ring- again- it wasn''t a complete surprise, per se... but it was perfectly romantic.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Also, I think complete surprise proposals are generally a bad idea, if you haven''t even talked about getting married yet in the relationship.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 4/3/2010 9:30:20 AM
Author: Amanda.Rx
Also, I think complete surprise proposals are generally a bad idea, if you haven''t even talked about getting married yet in the relationship.

This. I would absolutely not want this kind of surprise proposal.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/3/2010 9:30:20 AM
Author: Amanda.Rx
Also, I think complete surprise proposals are generally a bad idea, if you haven''t even talked about getting married yet in the relationship.

Absolutely. Who wants to enter into an engagement if you haven''t yet discussed the MARRIAGE?!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

When my now Dh and I were looking for rings we picked it out together but from that point forward I was in the dark. I didn''t see the ring again until he surprised me with it a few weeks later. I didn''t know if he had it or where it was, I was still pretty surprised!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I think everyone who has ever had a conversation about marriage with their SO has at least some inclination that a proposal may be imminent. I mean, if your BF isn''t much for huge romantic gestures, you may just have to explain your position and hope he understands.

And VesperGirl, I think you may have a challenger for least romantic proposal. At least the first time.

DH and I had been living together for nearly 3 years, dating for around 4 years when his company made their yearly target. Every year they had made their numbers previously, the owner hosted an amazing all-inclusive "incentive trip" for every employee and their spouse. No live-in partners because the family owned company was deeply Catholic. So, I missed a week at the Four Seasons Kona. And two years later, I missed a week at the Palmilla One & Only in Cabo. DH promised I would never miss another incentive trip as he had had a horrible time without me on those vacations.

On January 2nd, 2006, we were driving back home from visiting family for the Holidays and DH said "So, we made our numbers this year. Guess we need to be married by March 19th.

" Well, DH hadn''t even planned on a ring so soon, and although I knew of ~3 designs he had come up with previously, and I knew the general timing of how long everything would take, I knew very little about what his actual plans were. Meanwhile, I''m planning (and paying for) a wedding in Vegas. It turned out that he proposed so spontaneously at 7 am on Sunday, feb. 12th, and we were married on March 9th of that same year.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Just to update you guys on my end. BF and I went to look at rings on Friday. We are ready to purchase ASAP. I thought it would be a good time to give it one last try and explain to him why the proposal is important to me. I opted to do this via email. I know...I know. But honestly, I think that in some instances a letter is a better form of communication. Sometimes when talking, you don''t always "hear" what the other person is saying...especially if you are on the defensive. When you are reading, you have time to read and reflect.

So here''s what I sent him:

Dear xxxx,

First of all, I love you so much. And I am so eager and excited to be officially engaged to you. The past two years with you have been amazing. I can''t wait to spend forever with you. I don''t regret any of the things that we have done or the decisions that we have made along the way. That being said, it is very important to me that you do a proper proposal. I hope that you care enough to see and understand how much it means to me. I understand that we have both known about this for some time and that all of our immediate family members already know about it. So what is the point right? I can understand your point of view. But just because the engagement isn''t a surprise, doesn''t mean that the proposal can''t still be. You only get engaged once in a lifetime. Knowing that you picked a certain time and a specific place, to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together would be so meaningful. The act of you getting down on one knee makes it official to me. It will show me that you WANT to marry me and that this isn''t some engagement and marriage that you got penguin-holed into. It doesn''t have to be some elaborate proposal. I don''t want you to feel like I am putting pressure on you to go over-the-top because I''m not. It can be simple. As long as it is heartfelt and thoughtful (and maybe a little romantic), it will mean the world to me.

If you don''t want to, I understand. But it is very meaningful to me so I thought it was worth at least trying to explain to you why.

It seems like we have finally found a ring! After we get all of the loose ends tied up and get it paid for. I am going to instruct xxxx to cut all communication with me and I will be out of the loop. I won''t know when the ring is ready or has arrived. Once the ring arrives it will be in your hands and you can decide how to give it to me, whether through a proposal or not. There is no need to response or discuss this email. I just wanted to share with you why a proposal is such a big deal to me.

Love always,

Thoughts?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/4/2010 11:30:37 PM
Author: legallyspoiled
Just to update you guys on my end. BF and I went to look at rings on Friday. We are ready to purchase ASAP. I thought it would be a good time to give it one last try and explain to him why the proposal is important to me. I opted to do this via email. I know...I know. But honestly, I think that in some instances a letter is a better form of communication. Sometimes when talking, you don''t always ''hear'' what the other person is saying...especially if you are on the defensive. When you are reading, you have time to read and reflect.


So here''s what I sent him:


Dear xxxx,


First of all, I love you so much. And I am so eager and excited to be officially engaged to you. The past two years with you have been amazing. I can''t wait to spend forever with you. I don''t regret any of the things that we have done or the decisions that we have made along the way. That being said, it is very important to me that you do a proper proposal. I hope that you care enough to see and understand how much it means to me. I understand that we have both known about this for some time and that all of our immediate family members already know about it. So what is the point right? I can understand your point of view. But just because the engagement isn''t a surprise, doesn''t mean that the proposal can''t still be. You only get engaged once in a lifetime. Knowing that you picked a certain time and a specific place, to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together would be so meaningful. The act of you getting down on one knee makes it official to me. It will show me that you WANT to marry me and that this isn''t some engagement and marriage that you got penguin-holed into. It doesn''t have to be some elaborate proposal. I don''t want you to feel like I am putting pressure on you to go over-the-top because I''m not. It can be simple. As long as it is heartfelt and thoughtful (and maybe a little romantic), it will mean the world to me.


If you don''t want to, I understand. But it is very meaningful to me so I thought it was worth at least trying to explain to you why.


It seems like we have finally found a ring! After we get all of the loose ends tied up and get it paid for. I am going to instruct xxxx to cut all communication with me and I will be out of the loop. I won''t know when the ring is ready or has arrived. Once the ring arrives it will be in your hands and you can decide how to give it to me, whether through a proposal or not. There is no need to response or discuss this email. I just wanted to share with you why a proposal is such a big deal to me.


Love always,


Thoughts?

Hehehe penguin-holed....

 

[Lilac]

Date: 4/1/2010 11:44:56 PM
Author: FutureMrsMRS

Date: 4/1/2010 10:42:03 AM

Author: Lilac

I actually went with him to the jeweler to pick out my setting and diamonds, but he had asked the jeweler to tell me it would take 6 weeks for the ring to be ready (even though it really only took 10 days). I didn''t expect the ring to be ready until the beginning of May and we had discussed how we would get engaged at some point that summer, so when he proposed at the beginning of April I was SHOCKED!

I had told him I couldn''t be surprised and there was no way he would be able to surprise me with the proposal! He definitely proved me wrong because the proposal was so amazing, sweet, and wonderful and it was a *complete* surprise!

But Lilac...that''s not a *complete* surprise. You KNEW...the ''when'' is the surprise. I think that''s what the general thinking is in the inability of it to be a *complete* surprise. i.e., you have no clue he has any intentions on proposing. You have no clue he is looking at rings. etc.

And, that does sound really sweet. He did a good job putting you off his scent

I wouldn''t have wanted to get married to anyone who I had never discussed marriage with. For me, getting proposed to couldn''t have ever been a *complete* surprise (nor would I have wanted it to be) because we talked about being engaged and getting married so frequently that we both knew it was coming soon. The only thing we both wanted to be a surprise was the timing of the engagement (and that was a total surprise!)

 

[zoebartlett]

You can certainly be surprised about the proposal itself even if you helped choose the ring.

My husband and I had my rings made and when they arrived, they sat in their boxes until he proposed. I was curious to see how long he''d hold out before proposing, and it turned out that I didn''t have to wait very long. My husband proposed a week later and I didn''t know it was coming.

 

[Indylady]

Legallyspoiled and FutureMrsmrs, I think I know what you mean. A couple can discuss marriage and engagement, without talking about rings specifically or timelines, etc. in which case it would be "more" of a surprise. This is how my mom and dad were engaged. They were together for about 8 months or so, he talked to her parents, and then those the ring himself and proposed. She knew his intention, but had no idea when, where, or how. They were together for a relatively short time, so I don''t think she felt LIW-itis and it was common not to chose your own ring. Usually fiance to be would go to the jeweler with his mom and sisters, maybe aunts too, and it was a little bit of a family affair choosing a nice ring for the bride. I''ve been a part of this for other wedding jewelery, and its really endearing to watch the MIL choose jewelery for the bride and consider what will suit her, and I feel like I''ve seen the words "in-law" after daughter-in-law fade in these moments, and its really like a mother choosing the best for her daughter.