How are your future in-laws handling your LIW status?

[fieryred33143]

I just got through talking to a coworker who is a disguised very anxious LIW. Every time I talk to her the conversation somehow gets around to her wedding. And almost every time she tells me a different story about her future MIL that puts the pressure on her son to propose. For example, on Christmas day his mother started up the conversation in front of all of the guests about their wedding and how the only thing left to do is to get “my stubborn son into a store to buy a ring and propose already.” My coworker finds it funny and cute, her FF does not and normally brushes it off (from what she tells me).

Anyway, on one hand I think its cool because mom is on her side and really wants her to be their DIL. But on the other hand it isn’t a good idea to get the pressure from your gf every week about getting married…throw in mom into the mix and I’m sure it can get quite overwhelming.

What are your thoughts? How are your future in-laws?

In my own situation, my in-laws never pressured him into it. And when they did have conversations with him, it was never in front of me and most would go along the lines of “make sure you keep her happy because she’s good to you” rather than “you need to marry her now.” Same with my mom.

 

[goodfun7580]

Sometimes I think my FMIL is totally clueless about her son getting married. She is very into her daughter getting married and was a little disappointed that her daughter didn''t get a Christmas proposal. But when it comes to me and SO I don''t think she''s even given it half a thought. I''m also pretty sure she has no idea that I a LIW. FMIL and I are pretty close and have a great relationship but I think I would be extremely uncomfortable with her saying anything publicly about my SO proposing. But then again both SO and I are extremely private people.

Besides being extremely embarassing to have it publicly announced I can''t imagine how your friend''s SO feels when is getting pressured by his mom and probably your friend. Yikes!

 

[ladypirate]

K has already told his family that he will be proposing at some point in the next year. His grandmother introduced me over Christmas as "his intended", which I thought was really cute. He doesn''t get too much pressure, although maybe he would get more if he hadn''t made his intentions plain already?

 

[princesss]

Hahaha...well, BF's parents ask us occasionally what's going on. Because we're planning on waiting for a while before making the Big Scary Commitment (and that decision was made equally), we both generally say, "Nothing!" in a slightly panicked tone. His mother has told me that if I ever wanted to be in their family portrait, she would love to have me.

His mother does have a serious case of granny lust, though. She thinks up ways to bring babies to the house, and then shows us how good she is with them. And she is. But it's a little funny. BF thinks it's funny to mention it to me, and I just glower and say, "Well, she ought to talk to her daughter about that." I am....Not Amused...with the idea of having a baby right now, lol.

His extended family, however, is a little pushier. All of his cousins keep trying to get him to propose (though we've been told we need to wait at least 3 months "since the family needs to space these things out" now that his cousin proposed a few weeks ago). It's all the men doing it, too! Mostly they just want a reason to party, I think, but I get along with them all very well. I'm excited to be a part of his family....someday.

 

[Haven]

DH and I dated for over three years before he proposed, and he was 37 when he did pop the question, so needless to say there was a lot of talking going on about our future marriage behind the scenes.

DH''s family rarely said anything about marriage in front of me, but after about three years one of his cousins told me that they all decided that if DH didn''t get his act together they were going to dump him and keep me in the family. Apparently, they had been discussing it amongst themselves, and had made comments to DH here and there, but nothing public.

I think pressure from the family could work either way, and it depends on the situation. If the guy isn''t ready and the girl is ready, it could make him feel even more pressured and possibly turn him off a bit. If they''re both ready it might be the nudge he needs to get his arse in gear.

Generally, though, I find it uncomfortable for people to say anything about our personal lives in front of others--marriage, babies, you name it.

 

[mrscushion]

Well, my SO is currently ring shopping and I'm pretty sure he's asked his mom and his sister for advice, although I don't know to what extent they're involved. He's also talked with them about getting engaged soon. My FILs are not very "traditional" (I'm not sure to what extent they had a proper engagement; his mom doesn't have an e-ring), so I think they think he's doing the ring and the whole engagement thing primarily because I'm into it, but they're also happy we're together so I don't think they see anything wrong with that, either. But he definitely isn't getting any pressure from them to propose. Any pressure he gets comes from me

.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/29/2008 4:51:49 PM
Author: mscushion
Well, my SO is currently ring shopping and I''m pretty sure he''s asked his mom and his sister for advice, although I don''t know to what extent they''re involved. He''s also talked with them about getting engaged soon. My FILs are not very ''traditional'' (I''m not sure to what extent they had a proper engagement; his mom doesn''t have an e-ring), so I think they think he''s doing the ring and the whole engagement thing primarily because I''m into it, but they''re also happy we''re together so I don''t think they see anything wrong with that, either. But he definitely isn''t getting any pressure from them to propose. Any pressure he gets comes from me

.

That is exactly how my in-laws were. They never discussed marriage with me. They went straight into baby talk. Even when we told them we were engaged, his dad got really excited because he knew we were closer to having children. Even know with a baby on the way, they haven''t asked if we''re getting married any time soon. Maybe that''s why it took him 6 years!

 

[LaraOnline]

If he''s overstayed his welcome to the point where he''s having a detrimental effect on a LIW''s future by not marrying, that''s his fault, not mum''s.

I say good on her for calling it like it is. Although men who stall do like having someone to blame for the ''pressure''...

Better to have a mother who''s supportive of you, and can see your position as a LIW than a selfish mum who is happy to have her son take advantage of a LIW on the chance that she can keep him all to herself.

Plenty of those around as well!

 

[laughwithme]

B''s parents don''t pressure him at all, but they do make light-hearted comments in front of him to me such as, "are you sure you want to stick with this guy?" At a friend''s wedding in October, I made a nose-dive to catch the bouquet (and you better believe I caught it) but when the groom tossed the garter, B stood there smiling with this hands in his pockets. People took pictures, it was so funny, b/c it''s so realistic - I''m dying to get married, he is taking his sweet time. After that, his mom said "goodness, he really does stray away from the M word, doesn''t he??!!!" and I laughed and said "yep, he sure does." So, there is never really any serious pressure, it''s all fun and happy...everyone knows we''re in it for the long haul anyway.

My parents also don''t pressure, though my aunts and cousins came right out and said it during Christmastime - "so, I guess your wedding will be the next big family event, eh?" B always turns so red. One cousin was even like, "have you set a date?" and I showed her my (empty) hand and said "we''re not even engaged, so no!"

All in all, I can''t complain, and I don''t think he feels serious pressure either, its just fun.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I don''t know everything that happens between my BF and his parents, but I know he is under some pressure. He has had comments like "oh it would be great to have a doctor in the family" and such he tries to brush them off. They never say anything in front of me. I think they know their boundaries. He is a bit older (37), so I am sure they are anxious for him to settle down. It took him a long time for him to introduce me to them b/c he did not want them pushing them, but I think things have been better than he thought (or he could just be hiding it from me). Overall, if they are either letting things happen as they happen or keeping their mouth shut around me.

 

[ringless]

In my situation, My future in laws would NEVER pressure their son... even though we have been dating for 7 years, I actually think when he does propose they will be shocked! lol My bf''s mom is very ''attached'' and super religious (no problem with that). His parents love me and welcome me as girlfriend to all family events etc., but for some reason I don''t feel they will be as excited as my family will be when we do get engaged.. but we''ll see... I could be wrong!

 

[babygirl]

Fortunately, my boyfriend''s parents have been great. When I lived near them, they invited us over a lot, on family vacations, etc. They''ve never really given him too hard of a time about marriage (or mentioned it at all when I''ve been around)- definitely a lot of "try to keep her around, will you?" comments though After coming to visit me last week, I guess bf went back home and told his parents that we''d been looking at rings and he said they were floored. Definitely a nice feeling!

 

[that_someone_special]

My future inlaws (FMIL and FFIL) are total jerks. I avoid them at all costs. Even BF''s siblings ignore them. They make me want to move states away. So honestly, I don''t care how they feel. I tried so hard to get them to even talk to me (over a year and a half) and they are worse now than ever. It''s insulting. I almost want to rub it in their faces, but that''s not what a nice LIW would do, now is it?

It took BF long enough to tell them we would be living together soon.. so I wonder how his family will take it when the evil gf becomes an evil fiance!

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 12/29/2008 5:04:38 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 12/29/2008 4:51:49 PM

Author: mscushion

Well, my SO is currently ring shopping and I''m pretty sure he''s asked his mom and his sister for advice, although I don''t know to what extent they''re involved. He''s also talked with them about getting engaged soon. My FILs are not very ''traditional'' (I''m not sure to what extent they had a proper engagement; his mom doesn''t have an e-ring), so I think they think he''s doing the ring and the whole engagement thing primarily because I''m into it, but they''re also happy we''re together so I don''t think they see anything wrong with that, either. But he definitely isn''t getting any pressure from them to propose. Any pressure he gets comes from me

.

That is exactly how my in-laws were. They never discussed marriage with me. They went straight into baby talk. Even when we told them we were engaged, his dad got really excited because he knew we were closer to having children. Even know with a baby on the way, they haven''t asked if we''re getting married any time soon. Maybe that''s why it took him 6 years!

Sounds more like MY parents

... but that''s another topic for another thread...

Congrats on having a baby on the way!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 12/29/2008 10:35:50 PM
Author: ringless
In my situation, My future in laws would NEVER pressure their son... even though we have been dating for 7 years, I actually think when he does propose they will be shocked! lol My bf''s mom is very ''attached'' and super religious (no problem with that). His parents love me and welcome me as girlfriend to all family events etc., but for some reason I don''t feel they will be as excited as my family will be when we do get engaged.. but we''ll see... I could be wrong!

You could possibly well be, I thought I knew how everyone would react when we announced our engagement and I was dead wrong, my father who is very frugal all of a sudden isn''t and the FIL''s are all thinking we should have a backyard do

amongst other things no one is reacting like I thought they would.

As for before we got engaged we didn''t have much pressure from his side, in 10.5yrs we were asked only a few times mostly when I was not there, who knows if they did maybe he would have asked me sooner

.

 

[sunnyd]

There was never pressure from either side for him to propose. There were comments along the way, but that was just in fun and I think everyone could see that we were headed that way anyway so it was never a big deal. We knew it would be marriage for us at 4 months in and had the diamond when my extended family started with the "the next family gathering will be your wedding!" comments so...

 

[ringless]

Date: 12/30/2008 8:24:17 AM
Author: Deelight

Date: 12/29/2008 10:35:50 PM
Author: ringless
In my situation, My future in laws would NEVER pressure their son... even though we have been dating for 7 years, I actually think when he does propose they will be shocked! lol My bf''s mom is very ''attached'' and super religious (no problem with that). His parents love me and welcome me as girlfriend to all family events etc., but for some reason I don''t feel they will be as excited as my family will be when we do get engaged.. but we''ll see... I could be wrong!

You could possibly well be, I thought I knew how everyone would react when we announced our engagement and I was dead wrong, my father who is very frugal all of a sudden isn''t and the FIL''s are all thinking we should have a backyard do

amongst other things no one is reacting like I thought they would.

As for before we got engaged we didn''t have much pressure from his side, in 10.5yrs we were asked only a few times mostly when I was not there, who knows if they did maybe he would have asked me sooner

.

lol yeah. I guess I will see how things work out! My sister just had a baby (she''s married) and my bf''s mom actually asked him if I was thinking of having kids anytime soon, almost implying I would get pregnant before we got married... Uh, are you crazy lady? lol
(Side Note: there is nothing wrong with that...I just think his mom likes to jump the gun a lot)

 

[musey]

I can see how that would definitely get overwhelming for the poor guy.

My husband's parents weren't/aren't really aware of anything going on in our relationship. In the three years we were dating, and nearly a year we were living together before we got engaged... they never mentioned anything about us getting married to either of us, ever. When we got engaged, they said "Thought it would happen in Hawaii, but congrats now instead." LOL

Now that we're married, the most relationship-y question they've asked is "Is it still fun to call each other husband/wife?"

They're not very involved.

ETA: To be fair, when I told my mom we were engaged she said "Oh, that's so neat." I think our parents just aren't very excitable!

 

[Pushin40]

I'm close to my BF's family and I know they love me as much as I do them.

SO's Mom totally respects our privacy and doesn't say much. (we are older too.....39 and 47) and he's been thru two wicked divorces so they don't bring it up much. I think they assume (as I DO!!) it will happen eventually.....they are happy we're toghether and they know I'm good for him.

Pretty funny though - we had NYE at our house and after the stroke of midnight everyone started harrassing SO as to why we weren't engaged yet! HA! I just sat back and listened to him. Too funny!! There wasn't much to say so he started joking around about it (not in an offensive way).

Ahh we shall see......

 

[ringisthething]

for the most part my FMIL is great. The day after christmas my boy was apparently sitting on the couch looking at his credit card statement when his mom came by and asked him about it. He commented that it was higher than usualy b/c of gifts for me (christmas, my birthday and our 5 year are all within a month of eachother) adn she started prodding him going "oh...did you buy something really expensive...at a jewlry store..." hehehe. I was over at my brother''s place at the time so he told me about it later that night. This is really the first sign that his mom thinks it''s about time! It almost made me forget that she got me kitchen towels for christmas. (Really, just kitchen towels..she can be odd at times)

 

[Rhea]

DH didn''t discuss it with anyone but his best friend when he proposed. He''s a fairly private person. Never once was marriage talked about in front of my future in-laws or with them. Part of this may be our age (early 20s at the time) and that, for our social circle and area we dated for what is considered to be a very short time. There was absolutely no pressure on us from our families.

 

[trillionaire]

I just got back yesterday from spending the new year with his family

They love me, and made no distinction between myself and their DIL, except when his uncle mentioned that I was the only non-LastName present at the party, and then everyone turned to give SO the stare

. He''s pretty used to it now, but I did try to deflect some of the attention off of him. He''s had the ring since July, but I don''t know if they know that or not. The refer to me as family, and his mom calls me her FDIL, which is really wonderful since the fam was less than thrilled about their other son''s choice of fiances/wives. Not that I thnk that we should be compared, but it''s just nice to know that my reception is going very well, over all. My family really likes my SO and enjoy him, but they won''t call him family or anything.

Even after 5 years.

 

[cbs102]

my FI's mother hates me.. we don't exactly understand why but he is an only child and his mother has issues letting go. when she heard that i was moving here she told FI that i was too headstrong...and that is bad!!?? give me a break lady. 2 days before i moved here (i moved from NJ to PA) she called him and said that i was invading FI's daughters space...he has not talked to her since then. we now have come to find out that she suddenly LOVES FI's ex-wife who cheated on FI with a man old enough to be her father and left him completely devestated. something is wrong with her and i am secretly happy that they don't speak-although i would never tell FI that!!!

so she was against us getting engaged, but his dad and step mother are amazing and love me (thank god!)

they pressured him all the time by asking him what was taking him so long!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hah, well, since the hold-up on the engagement front has been me, I get the nagging from my folks about when we''re going to get married.

James'' parents have asked us a few times about it (mostly when thinking a ring he gave me last year for Christmas was an engagement ring--oops!) but he''s told them that it''ll happen when we''re both ready but that he has every intention of spending his life with me. They are both wonderful people and I feel very fortunate that they will be my in-laws. They both have thought for years that J will end up moving to America to be with me, and J''s mom sometimes calls herself my "UK mum" which I think is very sweet.

 

[KatM]

they don''t say anything, or at least not when i''ve been around. we broke up for a few of months about a year ago because he freaked out about commitment suddenly. When that happened, they apparently yelled at him

. "what was wrong with her??? she was so nice to you!" then when we resolved things they told him that he should be good to me. i think they''d be happy if we got married.

 

[happygolucky851]

My FMIL wants to talk wedding already but i think i''d feel so weird since i already have TONS AND TONS of ideas!! ha she loves me to death and vice versa but does not show it as much because of my BF''s sister in law! shes a very jealous person and cannot stand it when i have more time with my FMIL than her! and shes already in the family! its frustrating but i take it with a grain of salt! ok sorry for the rant....its a long story! I absolutely ADORE my FFIL. we have a great relationship and he cannot wait to call me his daughter!