How are you coping with isolation?

[cmd2014]

I'm sorry @cmd2014 - my brother in law went through a mid life crisis, blamed my sister in law for all of his "issues" even down the the point of stating he never really was in love with her (they have had a long life and 5 kids together) and then had an affair with an old girlfriend from school.

They are still together and have been working through all of their (his) issues....

oh gosh, apart from the girlfriend this sounds all too familiar. He’s really struggling to accept that the problem is inside of him rather than something situational. He used to blame his job and would cope by switching to another one. Then a few years ago he became convinced it was a medical issue and spent a lot of time having unnecessary tests done (which didn’t find anything, and he was angry with me for trying to gently tell him that I was pretty sure this wasn’t a medical issue but a mental heath one, and then later with his doctor for giving him a clean bill of health when he was convinced there was something terribly wrong with him - which there is, but it’s not what he wants it to be). Now he’s blaming me. This has been happening off and on since he was in his 20’s, but it’s gotten worse as the years have gone on. We used to have years between episodes. Now it’s much more frequent. And I’ve stopped trying to encourage him to seek help, because he doesn’t want to hear it - especially not from me. So I’ve coped by stepping back and waiting for it to pass, because it always does. But this last time has been like nothing I’ve seen from him before. It’s been going on for over a year. Midlife seems to have triggered all of his vulnerabilities. His doctor has repeatedly recommended that he take time off work and that they get him stabilized on meds, but he's not ready to accept it yet. And it’s to the point where now it’s likely that his job it at risk. So I’m trying to hang in until he‘s ready to get help, but I’m also working on accepting that I may have to decide to take care of myself if he never gets himself there. Its been hard to reconcile who he is right now with the kind sweet man that I married. And being stuck inside 24 hours a day with him when he’s so unwell has been hard.

Thank you everyone for your support. Just being able to say it out loud has helped a lot. I’ve struggled to preserve his privacy in this, but it has meant that I haven’t had access to my normal supports. And the pandemic sure hasn't helped anyone’s stress levels!

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@cmd2014 if you don't mind me asking was he always sweet for many years of marriage? When did it turn?

The reason I ask is because a dear friend married someone who has gone from job to job citing that everyone is an idiot and no one appreciates him. Everyone in the world except for him is an idiot. Friends abandon him, all their fault, he has no idea why, blameless etc etc

When you brought up the job blaming it just sounded so familiar.

 

[arkieb1]

I'm sorry @cmd2014 - yes it does sound like he is mentally ill. My father has early alzheimer's disease. I'm not suggesting your husband has that, but what he probably has in common with my father is denial. My Dad cannot see there is something wrong with him even though he cannot remember both big and small things recent things and things that happened years ago.....

Your husband sounds like he has something like undiagnosed ADHD - the job swapping and blaming everyone else for his shortcomings and life situation, I've seen in adult friends with ADHD or he has some form of depression and or mental illness.

Sometimes it's really hard to get the people we love the help that they need. Does he have other friends or family members that could suggest it or perhaps take him to see someone? Perhaps a men's group near where you live he could join when COVID - 19 is over?

 

[TooPatient]

I discovered the cat food we use costs less on Amazon so set it up for monthly delivery to keep me from needing to go out to a store. I almost feel like I should hang a sign outside the day it is delivered. Not hoarding... Just have 4 cats!

14 cases of food per month

 

[missy]

I discovered the cat food we use costs less on Amazon so set it up for monthly delivery to keep me from needing to go out to a store. I almost feel like I should hang a sign outside the day it is delivered. Not hoarding... Just have 4 cats!

14 cases of food per month

Ha I feel you. We have 4 cats plus we feed about 20 ferals so you can imagine all the cat food we have to get. And no we are not hoarding but it looks like we are with all the hungry cats we are feeding!

 

[Matata]

The lilacs are blooming and all is right with the 1/3 acre that comprises my world. I loooooooooooooooove their aroma.

 

[JPie]

@cmd2014 I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. I hope you’re able to find relief on your drives and staying in touch with family and friends.

 

[cmd2014]

@arkieb1, he struggles from GAD and MDD - both of which have gone untreated despite my best efforts to convince him to get help. They both run in his family, but his family are immigrants and it's not culturally acceptable to admit that this is happening and seek help.

@mellowyellowgirl, he is generally a nice person. He is normally sweet and kind and funny and everyone likes him (my family love him, my friends all like him - no one would call him a jerk). It's only when he is anxious/stressed or actively depressed that he turns into someone that I struggle to be around. It was about a year into our marriage (after an unexpected job loss) that he had his first episode of clinical depression. Once he found another job, it passed. Then a few years later there were layoffs at his work, and it happened again. Then it started to happen any time something stressful was going on at work - especially during times when he felt that his job might be at risk. He would spiral out until he found another job, and things would be good for a while and then crash again. In between he tends to be his normal sweet, kind, funny (if slightly neurotic, disorganized, and conflict avoidant) self.

How much he has contributed to his own stress at work is hard to say - he does work in a high pressure, inherently unstable industry where lay offs are common (especially for people at his level). So it's a bit chicken vs egg in terms of whether his symptoms come first and this impacts his work and then he becomes worried about losing his job and spirals out, or whether job instability triggers his symptoms.

It used to be years in between episodes (like 5 - 6), then it was every couple of years, now it's maybe been a year, if that since the last time. All the while he has been promoted into positions of more and more responsibility (and more stress), so again, it's hard to know if the stress of his job is triggering his symptoms or the other way around. He did say today he was willing to consider medication and has another appointment with his GP, but this will be the third time this time around he has done this and he has always backed out, so I'm not getting my hopes up yet.

 

[arkieb1]

@cmd2014 - you need to find a family member or friend other than you to escort him to the appointment.....

Maybe you need to sit him down and say why are you so afraid to go to the doctors, are you afraid of medication? Of being diagnosed with depression? What is it that you are avoiding? You are blaming me for things that you are not taking any responsibility yourself for and you are taking no steps yourself in getting any answers or help for them. Are you that sick that you cannot see you need either counselling or medical intervention?

Can you arrange for a doctor to go and visit him where you live?

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I want to see my sister.

I want to see my best friend and give her marble cake.

I've got it better than most I know that but I really really really miss my sister.

Actually if it was legal for me to see my sister I could do this for longer without freaking out.

I just need them to relax one law. Let family visit. That's all I need.

 

[House Cat]

During this isolation, i found out that my diagnosis isn’t bipolar disorder type one, it is actually OCD. I see it. And OMG...I am OCDing all over the house and all over my family. It isn’t the cleaning type of OCD because my OCD is combined with PTSD. It goes like this, PTSD says “everything is the danger” and OCD says “focus on the danger.” and I’m in the middle of a deadly pandemic.

My husband asked me to go buy some pot edibles or something because I’m hovering over all of them...because i love them and want them to be safe and can’t leave them alone...and I’m afraid for them to die.

The right meds are going to take time...like 8 weeks. Until then, I’m going to be a hyper focused, overly doting individual, who apparently needs weed.

OCD says I’ll become addicted to weed if i buy some... yeah...

I try to find hobbies but nothing is potent enough to saturate as deeply as the OCD...it’s still there spinning while I’m trying to enjoy myself. I can’t get engrossed.

It never used to be this way. Years of treating the wrong illness has let this one burn out of control and now it’s worse.

So in this isolation, I’m driving myself and my family nuts and i really don’t mean to.

 

[lyra]

I had to go to get an infusion yesterday, so it was my first view of the world at hand in 6 weeks. I thought it would be even more quiet than it was. I guess I wasn't expecting anyone to be out. It seemed like grocery and especially walmart lots were almost full. Now, I understand about grocery stores, as there are precautions about limiting how many people can be in the store etc. But walmart looks worrying. It was strange for sure. I'm actually glad to not be going out. We're trying to limit it to just my DD1 as much as possible. She used to teach first aid classes, so she's the most proficient with safe techniques.

 

[missy]

I had to go to get an infusion yesterday, so it was my first view of the world at hand in 6 weeks. I thought it would be even more quiet than it was. I guess I wasn't expecting anyone to be out. It seemed like grocery and especially walmart lots were almost full. Now, I understand about grocery stores, as there are precautions about limiting how many people can be in the store etc. But walmart looks worrying. It was strange for sure. I'm actually glad to not be going out. We're trying to limit it to just my DD1 as much as possible. She used to teach first aid classes, so she's the most proficient with safe techniques.

Glad you were able to get your infusion yesterday @lyra. Tomorrow is the first time I am seeing my endocrinologist or any doctor since the quarantine began and I am a little nervous. I haven't seen him for 14 weeks and my blood was a bit crazy at that visit so he needs to reevaluate and take more blood and so it isn't really optional. I hope I don't regret going in. I am glad you have a good protocol in place and that your DD is running the necessary errands for you.

 

[lyra]

@missy I find most medical places are extremely strict about who can even be in the building or offices. Hopefully it's the same for you. I did wear my etsy mask, but they gave me a blue disposable mask, which to be honest, was way less hot. The nurse had a mask and PPE and put on a face shield to do the IV part. All very by the book. Good luck. You need to keep up with some medical appointments.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

They let us have two adult visitors per household (and as many kids as we like). My sister came over today!!!

Life just got a lot better as soon as I saw her again!

 

[missy]

They let us have two adult visitors per household (and as many kids as we like). My sister came over today!!!

Life just got a lot better as soon as I saw her again!

That's amazing @mellowyellowgirl, so glad you guys can see your loved ones again.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

That's amazing @mellowyellowgirl, so glad you guys can see your loved ones again.

Believe it or not I'm actually not going nuts to see everyone Missy!

I thought I would but now I'm like "Hmm let's wait two weeks and see if we have a second wave."

I'm just content to have Lil Sis over anytime she wants to pop by. That seems to be all I need for now.

The 7yo is feeling very rejuvenated as well now that he can see his Aunt/pseudo sibling (Lil Sis had my love and devotion for years but she always wanted to know what it would be like to have a little brother. When I had DS he turned out to be the little brother she always wished for) again.

We ordered a bed and mattress to set up her room in case she wants to quarantine with us if there's another wave and they forbid visitors again.

 

[lyra]

I'm getting a budgie and I'm so excited about it I have trouble sleeping at night, lol. I have been wanting a bird for over 3 years now. I'm going a bit crazy in full isolation, so what better time. Just waiting to see if the breeder has what I want which is a baby male. I won't get to choose, but it probably doesn't matter. She will pick the right one and we'll do online payment and social distancing curbside pick up.

 

[Begonia]

I'm getting a budgie and I'm so excited about it I have trouble sleeping at night, lol. I have been wanting a bird for over 3 years now. I'm going a bit crazy in full isolation, so what better time. Just waiting to see if the breeder has what I want which is a baby male. I won't get to choose, but it probably doesn't matter. She will pick the right one and we'll do online payment and social distancing curbside pick up.

Miss Ziggy Louise LeFlocker thinks this is a wonderful idea.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Miss Ziggy Louise LeFlocker thinks this is a wonderful idea.

OMG!!!!!!! WHAT A CUTIE!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lyra]

@Begonia How awesome! Cockatiels are probably my favourite birds! I would have had another in a heartbeat except they're just too dusty for my husband's allergies. That's why I chose budgie mostly. Also, I'm almost 58, and I didn't want to burden my kids with a bird that might outlive me. I would have loved a Moustache Parakeet, but I don't have room for that.

 

[Begonia]

@Begonia How awesome! Cockatiels are probably my favourite birds! I would have had another in a heartbeat except they're just too dusty for my husband's allergies. That's why I chose budgie mostly. Also, I'm almost 58, and I didn't want to burden my kids with a bird that might outlive me. I would have loved a Moustache Parakeet, but I don't have room for that.

Oh you know it! She is one dusty little critter, we take her on our shoulders quite frequently and hose her off in the shower! That's a photo of a very wet bird.

 

[TooPatient]

Isolation? What isolation?

This is how I am resting right now. Only 3 actually sitting on me. That number is often 4-5....

 

[TooPatient]

@Begonia what a beautiful girl! I have always wanted to have one of those awesome birds in my family. Life was never settled enough to bring one home and then I ended up with a cat and a couple of dogs who would never leave a bird alone so I content myself with enjoying photos from others.

@lyra we need pictures when you are able to get some. I hope you have a lovely boy settling in as we speak! I had a parakeet while growing up and they are such fun birds.

 

[Begonia]

@Begonia what a beautiful girl! I have always wanted to have one of those awesome birds in my family. Life was never settled enough to bring one home and then I ended up with a cat and a couple of dogs who would never leave a bird alone so I content myself with enjoying photos from others.

@lyra we need pictures when you are able to get some. I hope you have a lovely boy settling in as we speak! I had a parakeet while growing up and they are such fun birds.

Mademoiselle LeFlocker thanks you for your kind words!! Good call to not get one with the doggies and kitties. It's stressful for them.

Yes lyra! We'll need plenty of baby photos

 

[lyra]

I don't get my bird until next Friday. Hopefully his cage gets here before then.